[sorry for the delay with this chapter, and thank you so much for the reviews, all of which I treasure.]
"Liv, it's okay," Alex's voice was gentle, unthreatening. She looked at the clock; 2.23am. At least Olivia had had a few hours undisturbed sleep. "You're okay," Alex put a warm hand out to still her restless lover. This was the sixth night that Olivia had been plagued by terrifying nightmares.
Olivia jerked away instinctively from the touch, her breathing quickening as panic rose. "No," she whimpered, still trapped in her nightmare. "No. Not her. Don't touch her."
"Olivia," Alex spoke a little louder. "It's me, baby. Only me. We're both safe. Everyone's safe from him. He's dead, my darling. It's alright."
Olivia backed away and curled into a fetal ball. "Not Alex," her muttering was indistinct. "Not her."
Alex reached out and switched on the night light. She saw Olivia, shaking, sweat soaked, her eyes still closed, the vivid nightmare still playing out on the back of her eyelids. She was pale, and her breathing came in ragged gasps. Alex knew she had to do something, before Olivia went into a full-blown panic attack. "Livvie," she tried to keep her voice calm, and she reached out and very gently stroked the back of one of Olivia's hands. "Livvie, it's me." She increased the pressure on Olivia's hand, and was grateful as she finally succeeded in prying the fingers away from their death grip on the sheet. She held Olivia's hand between her own, chafing it reassuringly. Olivia stopped trying to pull away from her.
"You had a bad dream," Alex kept talking. "It's over now, Liv," she whispered, as she saw Olivia open her eyes. She wanted to weep when she saw the raw terror in those beautiful chocolate orbs. "You're here, with me. In the apartment. In our bed," she thought she could see the fear start to dissipate marginally from Olivia.
"Real?" Olivia asked, her voice hoarse and weak.
"It's real," Alex reassured her. "I'm real. It's over Liv," she saw disbelief in Olivia's eyes, and did the one thing she had learned would help to calm her lover. She unbuttoned her own silk nightshirt and, very slowly, pulled Olivia's hand to her breast. She covered her hand with her own, holding it against herself, praying that some small part in Olivia's brain would make the connection, and bring her fully back.
Olivia started, but allowed the contact. Slowly, she started to come to, the nightmare finally receding and consciousness returning. Her eyes filled with tears, as memories of the nightmare caused her to shiver uncontrollably, her nerves at breaking point. "Lex?" she asked shakily.
"It's me, honey," Alex moved over to her, sliding an arm under her and pulling her tenderly into her arms. "It's over," she whispered into her hair. "Shhh baby."
"I thought... I dreamt... it was you. He was... oh God," Olivia's breathing quickened as the terror returned.
Alex rocked her lovingly. "We're both safe," she said, over and over. "Try and relax, Olivia. Concentrate on my voice. I know it's hard, baby, but try and slow your breathing a little. See if you can take deeper breaths. That's it, that's good," she whispered, as Olivia tried to control herself. "You're doing real good. That's it, Liv, that's it sweetie."
Alex could feel Olivia's damp tee under her fingers as she rubbed her back lovingly. She wanted to get her into dry clothes, but as soon as she tried to pull the tee up, Olivia's panic worsened. "Okay, honey, you stay as you are, it'll dry. Just try and stay with me if you can. Remember, the worst is over."
Eventually Olivia calmed, and it was only when she finally fell asleep in Alex's tender embrace that Alex realized her own front was soaked with Olivia's tears. Very carefully, she shed her own nightshirt without releasing Olivia and, naked, settled down to sleep.
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"I'm sorry," Olivia's first words in the morning almost broke Alex's heart. "I'm so sorry."
Alex sat up and turned to her lover. "You have nothing to apologize for, Liv. Nothing."
Olivia nodded. "I'll call her," she said, in a very small voice.
"Who?" Alex asked.
"The counselor," Olivia replied.
"Are you sure?" Alex wanted to know. "You need to do this because you want to Liv, not for me."
"I want to do it for both of us," Olivia sounded choked. "I love you so much Alex. More than I could ever have imagined. I want to get back to normal, as soon as possible."
"I'll come with you," Alex promised. "Whatever you need."
Olivia nodded. "I do need you," she whispered.
"You have me," Alex said quietly. "Wherever and whenever you want."
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"I'm going to call Rosie," Alex said later that day. "She said we should only come if you were feeling good. You've hardly slept in a week."
Olivia shook her head. "No," she said. "I'd like to go." Before all the trauma, she and Alex had agreed to sit for baby Katie while Melinda and Rosie took Gracie to the movies.
Alex looked doubtful.
"I think it might help," Olivia told her. "I want to see Katie. She's so tiny, and innocent. I think I'd like to be reminded of that innocence. Is that crazy?"
Alex smiled. "No, honey, that's not crazy. It makes perfect sense."
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"Go through," Melinda waved Olivia through to the living room, where Rosie was giving baby Katie a last feed before they went to collect Gracie from school to take her to the movies. "Alex, let me show you how the coffee machine works." She pushed Alex into the kitchen so that she could surreptitiously quiz her about Olivia's state of mind.
"Olivia!" Rosie said, with real pleasure as her favorite detective entered the room. "Forgive me for not getting up," she smiled, indicating the infant clamped to her breast.
Olivia smiled, and leant down to buss Rosie's cheek. "Dinner time, huh?"
"It's always dinner time with this one," Rosie grinned in return. "She sure does love to eat."
"How is she doing?" Olivia was relieved to be able to focus on something other than her assault.
Rosie failed to keep a soppy smile off her face. "She's amazing," she said, softly, her hand unconsciously stroking her daughter's chubby cheek. "She's such a joyful child. She's always smiling. Just like Gracie in that way," she said. "And she's so good. She hardly ever cries. You're just a little angel, aren't you, Katie Olivia?" Rosie addressed the child tenderly.
"Can I ask you a question?" Olivia asked, as she sank gratefully onto the couch. She hadn't realized how exhausted she was.
"Ask me anything you want," Rosie smiled. "I can't guarantee I'll answer!"
"What's it like, breastfeeding?" Olivia wondered if she was being too personal.
"It's incredible," Rosie told her, sincerely. "I know I've been real lucky. Some mothers have problems; even Melinda had trouble getting Gracie to latch on to start with. But this hungry monster," she looked down, "took to it like a duck to water!"
"And what's it like for you?" Olivia asked.
"It's just the most satisfying thing I've ever done," Rosie said. "Being able to feed your child, it's a beautiful thing. It was wonderful with Gracie too, being able to give her bottles of expressed milk. It gave Melinda a break too! And she feeds Katie. So does Gracie sometimes. But there's just something about having your child at your breast... it's almost spiritual. Does that sound dumb?"
Inexplicably, Olivia's eyes had filled with tears. "Not dumb," her voice cracked. "Not dumb at all."
"Well I think this one has finally had her fill," Rosie lifted the child with practised ease to her shoulder, patting her back to expel the excess air. A rumbling sound filled the room. Rosie grinned. "And now her diaper's had it's fill too! I'll be right back. Stretch out on the couch, Katie can lie on you when we get back, she loves her Auntie Livvie."
"Is she okay?" Olivia asked, as the six-week-old baby snuggled into her front, sighing contentedly.
"She's great," Rosie told her. "You know where her crib is if you want to put her down."
Olivia shook her head. "She can stay for a while," she tried to sound diffident, but Alex could tell how much she was enjoying holding the enchanting child. "Why don't you go out for pizza after the movie?" Olivia suggested. "We'll be fine here, won't we Alex?"
Alex nodded. "We can always call you if there's a problem."
"We'll call you after the movie," Melinda said. "Then we'll think about it."
"Give Gracie a big kiss from me," Olivia said, her sentiments echoed by Alex.
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Within five minutes, Olivia had fallen to sleep, her grip on the sleeping child secure.
Alex sat and watched her lover, thrilled and grateful that her slumbers were undisturbed. She watched carefully, but Olivia's face remained peaceful. Every now and then, Olivia's hand rubbed small circles on Katie's back, and a smile played across her mouth.
Three hours later, Alex's cellphone began to ring. She went out to the kitchen to take the call, unwilling to disturb Olivia's much-needed sleep.
"Hello?" she whispered.
"Is everything okay?" Rosie sounded concerned.
"Everything's great," Alex told her.
"Katie still asleep?" Rosie asked.
"They both are," Alex said affectionately. "I know Olivia's supposed to be taking care of Katie," she tried to rein in her emotions, "but I think today Katie's taking care of Olivia. She hasn't slept like that since... for a long time," she said.
"That's great," Rosie said. "Would you be okay for us to go for a pizza then?"
"Oh yes," Alex said. "Take as long as you want. I've got your number if we need you."
"I'm so glad Olivia's okay," Rosie said.
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"She's a beautiful girl," Alex slipped her hand through Olivia's as they walked home.
Olivia nodded deep in thought.
"So's Gracie, of course," Alex added. Gracie had become a strong favorite with the blonde attorney.
"It's always a risk, isn't it?" Olivia said suddenly.
"What is, Liv?" Alex asked.
"Having a child. Even more so for gay couples, you can't know the sperm or the egg donor, not like you know your own partner."
Alex nodded, wondering where this was going.
"But it's worked out for Melinda and Rosie, hasn't it?" Olivia pursued.
Alex nodded again.
"I was looking at Katie this evening," Olivia went on. "It doesn't matter who her biological father is." She took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter who my biological father is either. That beautiful girl, she's so small, so innocent. Her moms are going to teach her how to be. Who to be. That's what matters, isn't it?" By this point, they had reached the apartment building, and were getting into the small elevator.
"I totally agree," Alex said. "I don't understand how your mother didn't take one look at you and realize none of it was your fault."
"I don't care about that any more," Olivia said, not entirely truthfully. "But I've been thinking, Lex. About having babies. You and me. I'm six years older than you are. Maybe I should have our first child? I mean, not now. But in the next couple of years. I won't let history affect the baby. We won't let that happen. It would be our baby. What do you think?"
Alex could barely speak. "I think that would be just wonderful," she cupped Olivia's cheek tenderly, and kissed her very softly.