A/N: Hi all, I've been on vacation so I was lazy and didn't do much writing. But now I've finally worked more on my lovely Ryou. And after a lot of pointless squabbling and bitching, I think Ryou is finally done being an asshole and will now stop self-sabotaging his relationship. I mean, he's still going to cuss up a storm and be grumpy about things, because that's just his nature. But finally, finally there will be mutual loving going on.

Disclaimer: Twenty chapters later….no, still don't own .Hack.

Ryou allowed Kaoru to lead him back into his room. He sighed as Kaoru turned off the computer and headed for the bed. It was still late afternoon, far too early to go to sleep. Which meant Kaoru probably wanted sex again. Ryou's stomach clenched, but he reminded himself that he had survived it once. The second time would be easier.

To his great relief, Kaoru seemed content to do nothing more than curl up beside him and stroke his hair. Slowly, Ryou allowed himself to relax and just enjoy the moment.

"Ryou, what are you thinking about?" Kaoru murmured. "You seem tense."

Ryou flushed and looked away. "I just thought you would, you know…" He couldn't bring himself to say it aloud.

Kaoru stroked his cheek. "I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I couldn't bear to hurt your beautiful spirit again."

Ryou sighed. "I can't believe you. I've been an asshole and you're still here, trying to take all the blame."

Kaoru cupped his hand around his chin. "I didn't ask your permission because I thought I knew you so well, that I could read exactly what you were thinking. But I was wrong. I have assumed too much and hurt you deeply. I know it will take some time for you to trust me again, but I-"

Ryou rolled his eyes. "For god's sake, Kaoru, I'm over it already. Don't be so melodramatic."

Kaoru pressed a finger to Ryou's lips. "I will not make that mistake again. I have loved you without knowing anything about you beyond what I've seen in Haseo. And you are not just Haseo. There are so many more layers to you. I want to see beyond the surface and first impressions. I want to see everything."

Ryou swallowed. He couldn't help that his mind went straight into the gutter. Kaoru probably hadn't meant it to sound like he wanted to see him naked, but that was all Ryou could hear.

"Kaoru, are you really proposing that I-"

"Yes, I really want you to tell me everything, all your secrets, your fears, your insecurities. Don't hold anything back from me. I want to understand you."

Ryou snorted. "I'm not that hard to understand. I'm pretty blunt about how I feel."

"I don't just want to know how you feel. I want to know why you feel that way. Explain to me what about sex makes you so uncomfortable."

"I don't think this really needs to be said, but I like to fight and I like to win. No offense, Kaoru, but losing to you in a fight feels pretty shitty."

"I see," Kaoru said.

Ryou rolled his eyes. That was what people said when they didn't know what the fuck was going on, but didn't want to admit it.

"You like to be in control and it must have been difficult to give up control of what was happening to your body. I had the potential to hurt you and you had to trust that I would be careful."

"It's not that I don't trust you-"

"It's alright, Ryou. I understand." He caressed Ryou's cheek. "There are other methods that we can explore together."

Ryou watched warily as Kaoru rose and made his way to the foot of the bed. What the hell was Kaoru doing? He didn't mind Kaoru's body draped across his legs, but it was a little weird.

Kaoru's slender hand moved up Ryou's leg to his inner thighs and Ryou squirmed and bit his lip. For one terrifying moment, he was sure that Kaoru was tricking him and he was still going to try and fuck him. But as Kaoru palmed him through his jeans, Ryou remembered that he had jerked him off before he fucked him. Admittedly, he was still giving Kaoru control over a very sensitive part of his body, but he didn't feel as helpless. And as distasteful as the thought was, Ryou knew he'd be able to return the favor. It wasn't exactly a normal relationship, but then again, they weren't exactly normal people.

Ryou closed his eyes and focused on Kaoru's hand rubbing slow circles over his crotch.

"Do you trust me, Ryou?"

Ryou opened one eye. "Do I trust you not to fucking jump me again? Yeah. Because if you try it again, I'm going to kick your ass."

Kaoru blinked rapidly and cocked his head to one side. "You trust that I won't hurt you?"

Ryou snorted and closed his eyes again. "Just get on with it, Kaoru." There was no way Kaoru would be able to screw up a handjob. Kaoru had done enough practice with himself.

"Are you sure, Ryou? I don't want to do anything that makes you-"

"I already told you it was fine. You know what you're doing."

He sighed in relief as Kaoru unzipped his jeans. He wiggled a little, helping Kaoru tug them down his hips, followed by his boxers. Now he was exposed and vulnerable, but it was hard to really think about that with Kaoru's slender fingers wrapped around his length. Ryou groaned and turned his face into the pillow. That wonderful wet heat was just too much.

Wet?

Ryou forced his eyes open. Kaoru was kneeling in front of him, his mouth around his dick. It was the most erotic and yet the most terrifying thing Ryou had ever seen. He couldn't even find the words to ask Kaoru what the hell he thought he was doing. All he could manage was a strangled shriek.

Kaoru lifted his head immediately and he stroked Ryou's thigh with a desperate earnestness. "I'm sorry, darling. Have I hurt you?" He pressed his lips together and then puffed them out. "It doesn't exactly feel natural, but I thought I was gentle enough."

"That's not, I mean, it doesn't hurt, but, uh, what the hell, Kaoru? You didn't tell me you were going to do this."

"Oh. My apologies, Ryou. I've heard it's a very pleasurable act and I thought you might like to try. Was I wrong?"

"Yes, I mean, no…I mean, damnit, Kaoru. You're not supposed to be doing this."

Kaoru lifted an eyebrow. "Yes, I suppose usually it's a woman doing this. But I'd rather not surrender you to any woman. I'm sure I can do this just as well."

Ryou snapped his mouth shut, feeling his face heat up. Kaoru really had a way of making him flustered, the way he talked as if everything was completely normal and Ryou was the crazy one. But what man willing sucked another man off? Ryou hadn't even asked him to, Kaoru had just decided to do it.

"Just relax," Kaoru advised him. "There is no pain, only pleasure."

"But you're not supposed to want to do this," Ryou protested.

"Why not?" Kaoru asked.

As Kaoru's hand closed around his shaft, Ryou couldn't think of a logical reason why Kaoru shouldn't be giving him a blowjob if that's what he wanted to do. Maybe there wasn't a real reason other than the fact that nobody beside Kaoru would ever do such a thing.

"Is this unpleasant for you?" Kaoru asked.

"Well, no." As weird as it was, it wasn't bad having Kaoru's mouth on him. Kaoru sure knew how to make him feel good.

"Then your only complaint is that I'm not supposed to do this."

Yes, that summed it up nicely.

"Then I will continue. What should we care about what is normal? We are two men in love with each other and that alone is abnormal."

Ryou couldn't argue with that, so he nodded and settled back into the bed. If he closed his eyes and tried not to think about it too much, he could ignore the fact that Kaoru was on his knees, swallowing-nope, nope. He wasn't going to think about that at all. He was just going to let himself enjoy how it felt. The wonderful warmth, Kaoru's soft lips and slick tongue. Ryou groaned and arched upwards as far as he could with Kaoru's arm resting across his hips.

He was beginning to feel desperate for release. Blindly, he reached for Kaoru and grabbed onto a clump of hair. "Kaoru, please. I'm not going to be able to…" This should at least remind Kaoru that it was time to stop, to pull back. But Kaoru only pulled more of him into his mouth. Ryou cried out, feeling the world constrict to a white pinpoint.

When Ryou summoned enough strength to open his eyes, Kaoru was looking down at him with an expression of benevolent satisfaction. He delicately wiped the corner of his mouth. "The taste is not nearly as bad as I've been led to believe."

Ryou shuddered, trying not to be moved by the sensual scene. "I can't believe you," he said. "I can't believe you would do this for me."

"Why not?" Kaoru asked. "Shouldn't I do something to make my love happy?" He moved up the bed to rest at Ryou's side.

Ryou buried his face in Kaoru's chest, fighting the urge to cry. "You shouldn't want to. I'm your bitch, remember? You should be forcing me to-"

"I will never force you to do anything," Kaoru said sternly. "I love you and I want to make you happy."

"But you're the top. You're not supposed to debase yourself for me."

Kaoru sighed and tipped Ryou's chin back. "Look at me, Ryou. We are equal partners in this relationship. I have no power over you unless you decide to give it to me. You are not to think of yourself as weak and helpless to my will."

Ryou frowned. "And you get this kind of relationship advice from porn?"

Kaoru smiled. "Oh, Ryou, I love your irrepressible spirit." He stroked Ryou's hair. "I love to see that you are happy, that you are not distressed by my actions."

Ryou grasped Kaoru's wrist. "And I want you to be happy too."

Kaoru's smile stiffened. "Oh no, Ryou. I couldn't ask that of you. You're not ready."

"Yes, I am. I'm not going to sit here and demand all the attention like a fucking leech."

"Ryou, you're not strong enough to handle this. Remember how you behaved last time?"

Ryou felt his blood begin to boil at the patronizing tone to Kaoru's words. "Fuck you. You don't know me. You don't know what I can handle. If I say I'm ready, I'm ready. Now, are you going to fuck me or are you going to be a pussy about it?"

Kaoru sighed. "Very well, Ryou. But I warned you."