Continuing On Chapter 21: New YearNew Pain, a twilight fanfic

Hello!!! I'm back!!! I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but vacation with family means not really being able to write. But I'm here now!!!

FYI: I'm down a beta, two sort of. One had to stop and the other's computer crashed . So this chapter was not completely beta proofed. Just a warning. and I know, it's not as long, but hey, i try :)

Another thing: I just want to say how much I LOVE reading your reviews or PM, I love all of it and all of you. From the readers to have been here from the moment I started chapter one, to the readers that write me and say that they stayed up all night reading it, and to everyone in between. You all are so amazing! And thank you for reading my not so little story.

Before you read this, go google Kings of Leon their song Closer. Look at the lyrics while listening. Yep that is what I kept listening to while writing this.

I do not own Twilight, not a single bit.

Chapter 21- New Year/New Pain

Edward POV

This car wouldn't go fast enough. My car would have been able to handle going over 100mph much more smoothly. It was because this car was trying to hold me back closer to Fork, closer to Jacob, and closer that fucking mess I left with Bella.

A part of me was overwhelmingly guilty, but another part me (the more vocal part of me) continued to curse out loud.

Fuck.

Everything was going great. This vacation was more then I had even thought of what would happen when I came with Bella to Forks. I had thought that we were going to spend time with Charlie, hang around the house, and then open some presents that none of us really liked.

But even from the moment we arrived, and Bella and I took off to the grocery store, it was like a rollercoaster. I had enjoyed Bella telling off Lauren, but seeing Bella tell Mrs. H off was a whole different type of enjoyment, maybe because this time Bella was defending me. However I have to admit it did hurt my male ego a tad bit, but the fact that she cared about me enough to talk to an older former teacher made up for my bruised ego.

It didn't surprise me in the slightest that Lauren would make up all those lies. I know how she works, and will do whatever it takes for her to be the center of attention and away from any blame. Oh she is a prize.

What I was not ready for was the sudden need to go visit where my parents died. I had not been there in years, and when I did go I always went alone. If I had been closer to Jasper in the past couple of years then I probably would have asked him to go with me. But we weren't, so visiting them has always been a private thing; a painful thing.

However brining Bella with me felt natural. She was able to not say anything, yet the silence was not an awkward patronizing kind. Even when we got out of the car when we arrived Bella stood the background patient, quiet, and strong.

It felt right to be there again; to walk the place where I had when I was younger; and to be able to show Bella the place were I use to spend my time alone. The river was always a peaceful place, and I needed to go there after visiting where the house used to be.

And it was nice to tell someone about the money. I had felt guilty when I didn't use it after I left Portland, or at least have let Bella know much earlier that there was money in the bank. Maybe I cheated by telling her that while we stood on the land where my parents died, but I had always felt like I needed to tell her and being there had just provoked it.

It was good to get my mind off my parents. It was not as if I ignored them; but if I dwelled on them for too long my memory of them brings me only pain rather than the joy I feel when I do think of them.

Then the Christmas Eve party.

As always it was very entertaining to watch Bella squirm when she was not in her comfort zone. It's cruel, but it is still something that I thought was amusing. However it was not so amusing when I saw that old man put his hand all over her. Naturally my protective side came in, and I had to pull her away.

It was probably the drinks, which were made much stronger then others, or maybe it was the atmosphere, either way I had never been more thankful for hokey holiday traditions then at that moment. Bless that mistletoe.

I had imagined her lips for a while now, how soft and full they were, if she would take lead, or if I would take lead. Somehow it managed to be even better. Each second felt like a life time, yet those life times just blew away. But then we kissed again. That kiss was equally hers as it was mine.

Where it came from I still don't know.

I thought… I thought that maybe she was starting to fall for me. That she was finally starting to care for me the way I care for her. That possibly this was going to be the start of a new relationship. I let myself dream that she would call Jacob that night and tell him that they were over then she would confess that she wanted to be with me.

But we wouldn't talk about the kiss. In fact we wouldn't even talk for the rest of the night. I could feel how uncomfortable she was, and it scared me how in tuned I was to her. So I fallowed her lead with pretending that the kiss didn't happen, that what I had been hoping for, for weeks, did not happen.

Christmas was fun, which was another something I was not expecting. Since my parent's death, I had been spending Christmas with Lauren's family. Not the best memories there. Her family was dysfunctional and she always fought with her parents, showing them very little respect. It always made me feel more then just uncomfortable see her act out like that, to see the relationship she had with her parents; it made me wonder what kind of a mother she would make. I'm happy I'll never find out.

Bella though. The way Bella and Charlie interact with one another brings a smile to my face. And the way she looks out for her dad keeps the smile on my face. Although it was awkward at first; it felt like I was intruding. But Charlie was a very relaxed man, as was Bella, and with the two of them I was easily able to fall into line with the two of them.

I had been worried about Bella not liking the CD I made her. I had it made from the same studio where I have been recording my music. I had asked Emmett if it was alright to make this raw CD, and he told me he pulled a few strings to get it done. And I know how much of a big deal Bella makes out of expensive presents so I was very proud to have thought of something that will be meaningful.

The present that Bella gave me was amazing. She had put thought and (although I would have preferred without) money into it.

Everything was going perfectly.

And although we never mentioned the kiss, I thought about it constantly. I probably should have written it off as just a holiday kiss; luck for having a drunk woman and a mistletoe in the right place right time. But I thought about it, and deluded myself into believing that this was the start of our relationship, of us spending the rest of our loves together.

To think that just earlier today Bella and I were having a snow ball fight, acting like flirting third graders.

However I have grown to realize that Jacob has impeccable timing. Case in point: today.

To say that I was angry was an understatement. I had been putting off the reality that Bella and I were going back to the city where she would resume her relationship with Jacob. It's almost like when someone wakes you up ten minuets before your alarm goes off.

I probably shouldn't have opened my mouth and yelled at Jacob, but I was so angry for him ruining the moment that I just wanted to jump the guy right then and there. But then Bella started to defend him. Him, Jacob; the one who was the jackass for showing up. She was going to let him tell her whatever bullshit story and she would believe it. I was just so sick and tired of having to put up with him, for pining after Bella, for having tricked myself that what I wanted so desperately was so close in my grasp and I had to start acting like a jealous idiot.

I pushed, and pushed, until she decided to drive back up with him instead. God, that just pushed me over the edge. It was the last little bit of time I had left of one on one with Bella, and she chose him over me.

"That's so fucking typical!" I had yelled at Bella this morning. "Go ahead and get played, because if you are dumb enough to fall for it, then you deserve it."

Shit. I felt sick just thinking about her face; a combination of shock and pain. Pain, I knew that I hurt her when I said that, but I chose to walk away and leave her hurting. I chose pain for her.

I slammed my fist against the door to my bathroom.

That had been my whole defense to myself as to why I was the better man for Bella then Jacob; because I would never hurt her.

I just want Bella here so I can apologize to her and tell her…

I let out a breath.

Tell her what? That the only reason why I was acting like such a jealous jerk is because I'm completely in love with her, and to see her anywhere near Jacob makes me want to revert to a caveman and just carry her away, but only after I fight him and prove that I'm the better man.

Yeah, that would get an interesting reaction from her to say the least.

I looked over at the clock on the table next to my bed. I had arrived around one in the afternoon. It was now four.

I knew that she would most likely arrive a little bit after me, but I was starting to get worried.

At six I was holding my cell phone debating if I wanted to risk calling her or not. What if she was in the middle of a discussion with Jacob right now where they are about to break up, and I call and stop that. I know I was probably reaching there, but a man can dream.

By nine I was starting to panic and started to call Bella, right as she walked threw the door.

I was sitting at my piano when I heard her cell ring. Hanging up my own cell, I silenced hers along with it. She stood in the door way with her bag at her side. We stood there staring at each other for a few seconds before I spoke up first.

"I'm sorry," I spoke softly. I wasn't sure why I felt the need to whisper, but the moment called for it. "I was an idiot, a jerk… I was horrible and I'm sorry."

Bella tried to smile, but it faltered. "I'm sorry, that he showed up like that, and I was pretty mean to you."

I took a few steps closer. "No, I provoked you, this is my fault. I don't get a say as to what goes on with you and Jacob."

"Yeah, but he intruded our vacation, so you got some say here," she nodded. "But it is my relationship with him, and I will deal with him how I wish."

I looked down; ashamed. "So you dealt with him then? I know it's none of my business, but…"

"Yeah, we talked it out," Bella reached for her bag, but I beat her to it and carried it to her room. "He knows he was in the wrong."

I wanted to ask her why she was gone so long, instead I settled for saying, "I was worried about you… I thought something might have happened."

"I'm sorry," Bella looked down this time and bit her lip. "I was just worried about coming back home; I thought you were still mad at me."

Guilt swam threw my heart. I fallowed her back out to the living room where we sat on the couch. "Bella, this is your home. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't come to your home because of me, or that you couldn't talk to me."

"I know you don't like Jacob," Bella started. "But why?"

I paused. I had to be careful with this. "It's just that I know you can do better then him."

"So, nothing else? That's the only reason?" Bella looked at me, her eyes seemed to be a darker shade and almost glossy as if she was trying to prevent them from even tearing up. Her voice had quivered, trying to maintain control. The look on her face was almost as if she was trying to plead with me.

"That's it," I breathed.

Bella hung her head and took a deep breath. When she looked back up, a shining caught my eye. When I looked more closely I saw that she was wearing a diamond necklace, one that I had never seen before.

"Where did you get that?" I reached over and ran my finger over the expensive jewelry. "I've never seen this before."

Bella was not one to normally wear jewelry, and diamonds like these were not something she would accept as a present.

Bella blushed, but not the normal blush that I loved. "It was a Christmas present," she whispered as she leaned away from my fingers. "It's from Jacob."

And I had just put my temper back into place.

"What?" I brought my hand back, and rested it at my leg as I clenched into a fist then relaxed it, then back into the fist, then relax.

"After Jacob and I talked things out, he gave me my present, which is this," she waved her hand around her neck. "It's nothing really."

"Nothing?" I asked incredulously. "So now you like getting presents, is that it?"

Bella blinked a few times in disbelief before her brows brought together in anger.

"Why does it matter to you what he gets me or not?" she asked.

"Do you really think that I wanted to just get you that CD?" I started to loose control over the volume of my voice; it started to rise a bit. "Do you know many presents I wanted to get for you? Presents that include spending money."

"You got me the book for my birthday," she defended, yet her anger was still evident.

"Yeah, and you threw biggest hissy-fit," I argued. "And at least I got you something that I know you would like. A diamond necklace? You don't like jewelry."

"Look, Jacob is not like you, or the rest of our friends. He doesn't know how to express how he cares about a person, so he uses presents like these to express himself."

"Do you hear yourself?" I yelled.

"He is my boyfriend," Bella yelled right back. "And boyfriends can do that!"

"No, you're just saying that because it will comfort you. But the truth is you are a fucking sell out, no better then a god-damn whore!"

Her eyed filled with tear that she couldn't restrain. I could see the frustration and anger at herself for crying in front of me. And I could see her anger for me.

She stood up and walked back to her room where she slammed the door behind her.

I leaned forward, where my elbows were on my knees and my hands tangled my hair in a fist.

I just had to lose my temper for the second time today. Do I not have any restraint anymore? I had made Bella angry, hurt her, and made her cry. And I never hated myself more.

A thunder storm raged outside, as if our anger had manifested its self. I was in my PJ pants, tucked under the covers, and had the lights off; yet I couldn't sleep. I had just laid there in bed, not moving as I stared up to the ceiling. I didn't know how to make this better. I didn't know what to say.

I sat up and look at the clock which glowed in the dark saying it was 2:40 am. With a heavy breath I kicked the covers back and made my way to my door. Everything in the house was quiet, as if everything was still to see what the storm would bring.

I stood outside of Bella's door before I opened it quietly. With soft steps I walked to her bed. Bella laid curled up on her side in an uneasy sleep. I lifted the covers and lied down with her. She jerked awake and gasped when she saw me on my side facing her.

"I'm sorry," I whispered lightly. "I'm sorry for having to say sorry so much… I'm so sorry."

Bella didn't say anything. She wrapped her arms around my neck and started to cry.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled into her hair while I stroked her back. "I'm so sorry."

I woke up before Bella the next morning and started my "I'm so sorry, so I'm going to kiss ass" day. I made as elaborate of a breakfast as I could make while still keeping it edible, which extended to only scramble eggs, and toast.

Bella came into the kitchen right after I had set everything up. Her hair was a mess, and her eyes puffy. I was going to have to suck up big time.

"Morning," I smiled. "So I err… made you breakfast. If that's ok?"

Bella looked down at the table silently then looked back at me. "You really didn't have to do this," she smiled as she sat down.

"Yes, I did…" I started before Bella cut me off.

"But you are kissing some ass right now, right?" she looked up at me a small smile on her face, and her cheeks red.

"You know me too well," I sat down in my normal spot.

Bella looked back down at her food, "Thank you.'

"I'm sorry." Then we ate breakfast in a semi comfortable silence.

As much as we attempted to continue our normal routine, there was something off between the two of us. Neither one of us would maintain eye contact for too long, and if we accidentally touched the each other, we would jump back as if we had touched an electric wire.

I tried to start a conversation here and there, and Bella would go right along with me, but somewhere along the way the conversation would die into an awkward silence. Bella made her attempts of making a few joke, obviously trying to liven the situation. But like our conversations now, it would lead nowhere.

The fact of the matter is that we were both still too hurt to get back to normal. Bella was hurt because of me and what I had said, accused her of, and called her. (I'm a class A jackass.) And I was hurt because Bella is still with Jacob. Bella could make out that much, that I didn't like the two of them together; but she still couldn't figure out why. Or at least that was what I suspected seeing as she never came to talk to me about it.

So in the time between our arrival back into Seattle and New Years Eve, we spent most of our time away from each other. At least I knew Bella wasn't spending all her time with Jacob. According to Rose, Bella was helping Esme out with preparations for the New Years Eve party, which (thank you Esme) was taking a lot of time. And as Rose described what was going into the party, then Bella was not spending much time with Jacob at all.

I spent most of my time with Emmett, and Jasper who had come back early with Alice. Apparently Alice had spent enough quality time with her sister.

I told them what had happened and they each took turns to punch me. Not the "hey you were a jerk man, so let this fake punch symbolize that" but a "how dare you hurt Bella, you deserve much more then just this punch."

My gut throbbed, but I bit back the pain as I stumbled into the couch in Jasper's apartment. I deserved it.

"You are a fucking idiot you know?" Emmett glared at me. I had grown use to his friendly and carefree disposition, but now I remembered exactly how truly terrifying he really is.

"You called Bella a whore," Jasper shook his head. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I know," I croaked out. "I did more then fuck everything up. I hurt her, because I'm the jealous idiot who never had enough balls to tell her how I really feel."

"So what are you going to do?" Emmett growled.

"I'm going to stop trying to win her over right now, that's for damn sure." I shook my head. "Right now, I just want; no… I need to make her happy again."

"Right answer," Emmett extended his hand to me to help pull me off the couch.

"I will make thing better," I whispered more to myself.

"I know you will," Jasper patted me on the back.

I should have known that the punches that I had to take with Emmett and Jasper would have been the easy part. Facing Alice and Rose, now there is where my real worries laid. I had been fortunate enough to miss them, but on the 30th they had finally cornered me at the apartment.

They both walked in with out even looking at me. I knew that Bella was having lunch with Emmett and Jasper, so they also knew that we were perfectly alone.

"We helped you fight for Bella because we thought you were a good guy who, maybe didn't exactly deserve her, would make her happy," Alice face me with her arms folded in front of her chest. "Apparently we were more then wrong."

Ouch. I guess they were going for verbal punches.

"Look, you guys just know her side of the story…" Rosalie cut me off.

"You mean there is more?" she asked in fake shock. "More then you loosing your temper and blowing up at her where it was not your place to meddle, then calling her dumb and telling her she deserves whatever horrible things Jacob may throw at her. Or is there more to the story of when you flipped out and threw a temper tantrum because Jacob bought her an expensive necklace, then accused her of selling out but only right before calling her a whore. Are you telling me there is more then that?"

I took a deep breath as I let my head hang. "You're right, I did do all that, and I hurt her, which has been tearing me up more then I can even put to words. The necklace, and the… name calling is inexcusable, so is when I lost my temper at her back in Forks. But did she tell you guys that we kissed."

Rose and Alice exchanged shocked looks. I kept going.

"We were a Christmas Eve party, and we're under the mistletoe," I looked up to meet them both in the eye. "It wasn't just a small peck that people do under the mistletoe; it was a real kiss where we were both breathless. Then we kissed again right after. I thought that it was the start of something, I thought that we would be together, I thought…"

I was glaring at my feet, and I knew Rose and Alice were probably having a silent conversation.

Finally Alice spoke. "You know you are going to have to work really hard just to get things back to normal with her."

"Normal is all I'm asking for right now," I nodded.

As I got ready for the party on New Years Eve, I felt more miserable then I had wanted to allow myself to be. Bella had ran into my room, curlers in her hair and Converse on her feet, to tell me that she would finish getting ready at the hotel where the party would be in their ballroom. Esme had also paid for a hotel room assuming that she, and whoever would help, would get ready there.

I knew that I was more moody then expected when I had finished dressing. I had on a very nice pair of crisp black slacks, a black button up shirt made out of a soft material, a black silk tie, and a black jacket. I was dressed completely in black. The effect did make my eyes standout, but my hair would not comply with me so I gave up before I really even began.

Rose and Alice were also helping with last minuet party stuff, so the guys and I decided to meet there. I was fortunate though that when I talked to them, they seemed to be cool with me, so maybe this night wouldn't be so horrible.

I arrived at 9:30 to see if I could help with anything, but I found that the party was already in full swing. The ballroom was huge, and was already packed with people that I had never seen before. Bella had told me that this was one of the "it" parties to go to, but I had no idea exactly what "it" had meant. The walls had silver and gold decorations with the year that we were entering posted all over. I looked to the ceiling and saw a giant net holding in an incase amount of balloons and confetti in.

I found Carlisle and Esme, the host and hostess, and made small talk with them before another person arrived and demanded their attention. Right as I was beginning to wonder how the hell I would be able to find my group, a hand grabbed me and I heard a voice shout out over the loud music, "I found him!"

I turned to see Alice smiling away as she held my arm. She looked beautiful, in her Alice way. She had on a short silver tube top dress, and I could see that her eyes were outlined in a silver glitter as well.

Jasper, who had reached us first, was wearing a black suit and with a matching silver shirt. Emmett had on an all white suit, and guessing from the expression on Rose's face, that was not what was according to her plan. Rose was stunning as always in a short blue dress that kind of reminded me of a mermaid. Her dress was a halter, which straps were made out of diamond looking stones.

Bella showed up next. Her wavy hair was clipped back, and some of the strands were relaxing on her almost bare shoulders. Her dress has thin spaghetti straps which held up her short cocktail dress. The lining of the dress was a bright pink, but there was a black netting over it, which gave it an almost dark purple look. He long fair legs looked like they could stretch for miles before coming to a stand still at a pair of very high healed shoes.

Jacob was at her arm.

I fallowed them as we wound our way threw the crowd to an empty table in one of the corners. I looked around and saw that there were many tables like this that outlined the dance floor, only this table had a reserved sign on it.

"This is our table," explained Rose. "Consider this as home base, we regroup here."

Emmett saluted her before he sunk an arm around her waist. "Come on Rosie, let's go show these fools what it is to dance."

Rose giggled as she fallowed him out.

"Oh hell no!" Alice pouted. "Jaz, we cannot let them think that they can show us up, come on." Alice grabbed the hand of a very happy looking Jasper.

Jacob turned to Bella and extended his hand, "Shall we?"

Bella blushed and shook her head. "I can't dance, I'm horrible at it, and I really don't want to start off the New Year in the emergency room."

"Come on baby," Jacob pleaded.

Bella gnawed on her on her bottom lip. "Alright," she said quietly before looking over at me and gave me an apologetic smile.

And then there was one.

I did what all single people did during this time; I went to get a drink.

One drink turn into two, this turned into three, which turn into loosing count after that.

I watched Bella and Jacob dance, and I smiled every time she would step on his feet and would see Jacob's pained expression. She had dance much better with me.

I was standing by the bar, still watching them, when I felt a pair of eyes on me. I turned to see a woman about my age standing next to me, much closer then I would have expected. She was tall, not quite as tall as me, but she was still very tall. She was also very attractive in her way with pale white skin that matched Bella's and sharp black hair cut into and equally sharp bob. She had bright green eyes, and a red gloss on. Her dress was short, very short, and black. It flowed around her chest and waist, but hem clung to her legs.

"So which one are you in love with?" she asked as she nodded her head in the direction of Jacob and Bella.

"What makes you say I'm in love?" I looked back at the two dancing.

"It's the guy isn't it?" she shook her head. "You're in love with that basketball player right?"

I choked on my drink. "No, it's the girl."

"Oh thank God," the woman sighed. "You are too hot to be straight, but I guess there are still a few hot straight guys left."

"Thank you… I think."

"I'm Ashley," she stuck out her hand.

"Edward," I shook her hand.

"So what is this," she waved to Bella. "An ex girlfriend, or maybe you never really met her but love her from far away."

"Unrequited love actually," I sighed. "She is my best friend, my roommate, and she saved my life."

"Ouch, that's the worst."

"Tell me about it," I nodded.

"So what about the guy?" Ashley asked. "He is fucking hot my friend, totally not in your league of hotness, but he is famous."

"He is… turning out to be better for her then me."

"I don't believe it," Ashley stated bluntly.

"And why is that?" I asked.

"Well your lover girl over there, can't dance worth shit." I frowned, but she kept going. "And he is not helping her get any better, he is letting her suck."

"So…"

"So I have a feeling that if you danced with her you would try to help get better. And the good couples always help one another."

I didn't say anything, I didn't want to start deluding myself again.

"So if you want to make her jealous, you and I can go upstairs and mess around," Ashley looked at me with a suggestive smile. "We would kill two birds with one stone: you would make her jealous, and I would get to have sex with you. It's a win, win."

I couldn't help but smile at Ashley's directness. "As tempting as that is," I eyed her up and down, it was tempting. "I'm in love with her, and I wouldn't feel right sleeping with someone else, even if she and I aren't together."

Ashley just shrugged, an amused smile on her face. "See I told you, you are the better one for her. Now I have to go meet up with my boyfriend, good luck!"

I watched Ashley, laughing to myself, as she walked up to a male version of herself and gave him a big kiss and gave me the thumbs up before going to the dance floor.

The slight rise in my mood quickly diminished when I realized that the count down to midnight was about to start. I was back at the table, along with everyone else in our group. Couples holding hands, a drink in my hand.

I was angry again, it seemed like I'm always angry now.

I was angry at myself for having messed up so much.

I was angry that I'm coming to the realization that Jacob might be a better guy for Bella then I would be.

I was angry that I'm such a sick masochist and I forced myself to watch Bella and Jacob dance all night.

I was angry that Bella couldn't get that fact that I'm in love with her.

I was angry because the timing in my life was so perfectly fucked up.

I was angry that I disappointed my friends.

I was angry because I keep hurting Bella.

I was angry for letting myself feel sorry for myself.

And I was angry because I found the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I have to watch her be happy with someone else.

Happy New Years!!!

The multi colored balloons dropped and the confetti flittered to the ground.

Everyone one around me kissed their partner, and I chugged down my drink. The alcohol burned all the way down. This was a different type of alcohol then I had been drinking all night. But this was a new year, which meant a new pain.

It's a slower, sadder chapter I know. But Edward is messing up big time right now, and I just have to show where his head is at.

Again: google Kings of Leon their song Closer. That's what helped me write this chapter.

I hope you guys were able to catch a few things in here. Like when Bella asked him if there was another reason why she should be with Jacob, she was giving him the opportunity to say that he loved her. And few metaphors I threw in threw out there too.

So, next chapter is called: Shoot

It will be in Bella's POV and also remember that the end is coming near. I'm writing up to an even 30 chapters. So just hold on.

Thanks for being awesome guys

I hope you enjoyed :)