Disclaimer: Don't own.
Genma woke up in the middle of the night for some unknown reason. He stilled, trying to figure out what roused him from sleep and instead found himself looking up at the dark ceiling that held the dim silhouettes from the light that filtered from outside. He looked over to his side where Raidou was sprawled on his side, laying as close as he could without disturbing his worse injured side. He looked at the peaceful, sleeping face, half snuggled into a pillow, and knew what woke him up. He was restless, and this unease that had settled inside of him wasn't helping.
Can I really…just end what we have? He thought to himself. In the past, he never really had a dilemma with this type of decision, it would either be a neutral understanding or he would end it regardless. But this time, it was different. This time he was more emotionally involved that he had ever let himself. This time he was in love, and not only that, but Raidou loved him back. Then again, that was one of the reasons he was contemplating this whole thing. Not only was the recent event another eye opener, but Raidou…this just wasn't fair to him. Raidou had been through enough already, and Genma just didn't think of it as fair to put Raidou in the position of possibly going through all of that all over again.
But then again…he loved him. This bond that they share, that has only gotten stronger over the time of their relationship, has not only brought them happiness but more of a reason to come back home.
Am I being selfish?
He brought his hand up and gingerly placed it on the exposed tanned cheek, a smile tugging on his lips when the older man sighed and relaxed further into sleep.
Am I just over analyzing this?
He stroked his thumb along the scarred tissue that crossed the bridged on the nose to disappear into the unscarred cheek.
With an ache in his heart he thought, I don't think I am.
A few days later, his injuries were in the process of fully healing, along with the bruises that were now fading away. After a few days contemplating everything inside and out, without making it too noticeable that he was pensive about something, Genma knew what he had to do. He had to do the unselfish thing, the right thing. The thing that twisted his stomach when he thought about it, but knew that it was possibly for the best.
With a deep breath he stood from the kitchen table and stood near the sink where Raidou was washing the dishes. Just thinking about it was making his heart ache and stomach drop, but part of him was telling him that he should do this. Dark eyes looked at him and gave him a curious look before they turned back to the dishes.
"I don't think this was a good idea…," he forced out after a few failed attempts of trying to make his tongue work, the words coming out soft and strained, and now that they were out, he couldn't look at Raidou.
Raidou furrowed a brow in confusion and dried off his hands before turning to the younger man and leaned against the counter, "What wasn't a good idea?"
Genma averted his gaze to the kitchen table, "…Us."
Raidou's eyes widened a fraction as he was taken aback, Us? "What do you mean, Genma?"
Genma swallowed and forced to keep his gaze averted, "…You…you deserve better than this, Raidou," he hesitated, "You deserve someone that won't make you worry by going off on missions and getting themselves nearly killed," he said with a tone of bitterness, "…You deserve…someone that will always be there for you…," and I can't promise that.
Raidou studied his lover's face while he kept his hazel gaze averted. He had a feeling where this was coming from, but he also had a feeling that Genma was only at it from one side. Because it sounded a lot like Genma thought that he wasn't good enough, "Genma," he said gently and after a moment the younger man turned his gaze to him, "Do you love me?"
Genma's heart skipped a beat from the unexpected question, "Th-this isn't about that –."
"Then what is this about, Gen?" Raidou asked calmly.
Genma averted his gaze at the sound of the endearment, "That you deserve better than this, Raidou. This…unfairness…That it shouldn't be like this."
"And what about you?"
Genma looked at the older man, "…What?"
Raidou sighed and looked off to the side for a moment before looking back at the younger man, "What about you, Genma? You're saying that this is unfair to me, and by this I'm assuming that you mean everything that comes from having a jounin as a lover," he said gently, "The worrying, the waiting, and the hospital visits that ends up with one or the other waiting to hear the words 'He's stable'. But what about you?"
"I…I don't know…," Genma said after a moment of hesitation, "This…really isn't about me, Raidou." And it wasn't. He was more concerned about Raidou than himself. And even after days of thinking of how he should go around it, to find a way to cut the ties, the truth ended up coming out either way.
"Genma…," Raidou took a step forward and the hazel eyes turned to him, "Do you love me?"
Genma dropped his gaze for a brief moment, "Of course I do…," his lips curving into a small, sad smile, "You know that…"
Raidou's gaze softened, "Then don't you think…that we deserve this? This happiness that comes from being together? With each other?"
"But…just because we're shinobi, doesn't necessarily mean that we can't love, and feel the happiness that comes with that."
Genma swallowed, "I…I don't know…" and he really didn't. Was it worth it? Was the pain and hurt that worked itself in the end…was it worth it? To stay together despite of all of that?
"Be optimistic, Genma. And I know that's asking a lot, being a shinobi and all, but…I guess it doesn't hurt to try."
He felt something inside of him twist when he saw the hurt in the dark eyes, and suddenly he didn't know what he was doing anymore, "…I don't know…" he took a step back and hesitated before moving to leave the kitchen.
Raidou's heart skipped a beat in panic, "Where are you going?"
Genma hesitated and turned to look at the older man, "I…," he let out a sigh, "I…need to take a walk…"
"Gen," Raidou spoke softly, gently, "When you do know…I'll be here waiting."
Genma dropped his gaze to the floor before glancing back up at the older man. It took a moment, that felt like hours, for him to get his legs to work and move to the entrance of the apartment, slip on a sweater and shoes.
Raidou closed his eyes when he heard the soft click of the front door before letting out a deep sigh. Unfair? He raised a hand to touch his scarred cheek and felt the tinge of emotion that he always felt when he always saw them. The guilt, the loss; what Genma was referring to. Life in itself is unfair, Genma, he ran his hand through his hair. He moved to the bedroom and dropped heavily onto the bed, That's why we deserve each other…
"I don't think this was a good idea…"
He sighed and tried to ignore the dull pain in his chest as he stared up at the ceiling. He knew Genma well enough to know when he had to be patient, especially when it came to their relationship, where Genma still had his insecurities that their commitment brought forth, something that he still felt inexperienced in. But this was different; Genma wasn't coming to him saying that he wasn't happy with this, or that he just couldn't do this anymore. He realized that Genma didn't say anything about himself, but rather that this was for him, that it was for Raidou's sake.
In the beginning he knew that getting into a relationship with Genma meant that it probably wouldn't last, but it was worth a try. It was worth trying to make it into something more, for it to mean more than just sex. At first, it was more one sided, but Raidou noticed that slowly but surely Genma was warming up to him, getting closer to him.
A smile found its way on his lips when he remembered the night Genma told him why him. Why Genma decided not to end it back then. It was the bond that slowly grew between them.
He loved Genma, and he vaguely wondered if he had ever told him why he approached him first. He wondered if Genma had figured out that it was than a physical attraction that drew him to him, nor was it his reputation, it was his carefree attitude and personality, his calm yet confident aura, everything that he had learned from the younger man through working together just kept drawing him in until he realized that he was falling.
Raidou sighed and rubbed his face, Please, Genma, don't give up on us.
After aimlessly walking around the village, Genma found himself at the training grounds that were, at the moment, empty. He opted on sitting under a tree as a soft breeze rolled over the field.
"Then don't you think…that we deserve this? This happiness that comes from being together? With each other?"
What did I do? He ran a hand through his hair and realized that he was chewing on the inside of his lip, I ran away again, he let out a sigh, This time I literally ran away.
Part of him was glad that things didn't go as he originally planned, but even now he didn't know what his original plan was…did he even have one? Frankly, he didn't know what to expect, even after his days on contemplating he went into it blind. Somehow he knew that Raidou wasn't going to just give in without trying to understand where he was coming from. He was trying to protect Raidou, in a way, but then…Raidou had a point.
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. He felt frustrated with himself, confused. He felt as if he didn't take days thinking about this, contemplation that disrupt his sleep. Everything kept going back to how much it would hurt if he actually went through with it, but he tried thinking of it as the price to pay. What did I do?
"Shouldn't you be at home fully recovering?"
Genma's head snapped up at the sound of the voice. Kakashi was looking down at him, an amused look in his visible eye.
Kakashi tilted his head, "More like, shouldn't you be at home with Raidou?"
Genma looked away from the younger jounin and instead looked across the field.
Kakashi's gaze softened when he noticed that the older man seemed…off, "Something on your mind?"
Genma glanced up at the younger man, "Depends, did Iruka tell you anything?"
Kakashi shifted his weight, "Depends…would it bother you if he did?"
Genma softly chuckle, "No, it wouldn't," he reassured.
Kakashi nodded, "Needless to say, Iruka is worried about you two," he sighed and dropped himself into a sitting position on the grass, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Genma sighed and leaned back against the tree, "…I don't even know where to start," he said softly.
Kakashi nodded and looked across the field, "From what I understand…is that you think Raidou deserves better; better than worrying over someone while he's off on a mission, or waiting for him to come home," he looked at the older man, "Do you think that Raidou thinks the same for you?"
Genma looked at the silver haired jounin, "…I don't know…"
"My guess is that he probably does, or did, but the happiness over ruled that," he looked out at the field again, "My guess is that he loves you too much to let you go, and he's hoping that you feel the same." He sighed and hesitated before looking at the older man, "I felt the same way when Iruka and I first started dating, when I grew to learn more about him, his personality that anyone could fall in love with, he made me think that he deserved someone that wouldn't make him worry sick. Made me think that he deserved someone that would make him happy," he chuckled and looked down at the grass in front of him, "But…he told me that he was happy, and that he loved me and what mattered was for me to just come back to him, no matter what," he hesitated, "He made me realize that just because we're shinobi doesn't mean we're not human…"
He sighed and looked at the older man, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that…we are shinobi, jounin at that…," he smiled, "And through being with Iruka, I've come to realize that that gives us more of a reason to find love where we can, and when we do, if we're stupid enough to let it go, then…it makes me wonder if there is any hope for our human selves. But when we're smart enough to hold on to it, to the point that that's what makes us come back home, then…there's hope for us yet."
Genma's lips curved into a gentle smile and he looked out at the field, letting the younger man's words sink in. Iruka had told him about Kakashi's insecurity, but somehow hearing it from Kakashi made them ring truer, it was probably due out of the fact that Kakashi was a private person. He smirked at the thought, Was. How people change…
He sighed when he remembered the hurt look in Raidou's eyes when he told him that he didn't know if they really deserved each other, what they found each other, Am I being selfish if I say I do? He inwardly sighed when he noticed that he was chewing on his lip again.
"I suppose…Raidou has felt what you are feeling now," Kakashi continued after a moment, "But he never came out with it, and my guess would be because despite of it, you two were, and are, happy. And that's what mattered." He looked at the older man, "Tell me, Genma, have you told Raidou why he's the first? Why you never really committed yourself to anyone in the past?"
Genma blinked and felt himself blush, "What?"
Kakashi chuckled and stood, dusting off the seat of his pants, "Not that I know the reason, but I'm sure there is one," he looked down at the older man, "You know what you have to do to have Raidou truly understand what's going on," he smiled behind his mask, "You have to break down that last wall…you have to trust him."
Genma felt like he was hit with a brick when the words hit home. Kakashi was right, Genma loved Raidou, but apparently didn't trust him well enough to think that their relationship can survive with this strain. And if he didn't trust him enough for this…then, in a way that meant he didn't. He trusted him as a comrade, a teammate, a friend, but as a lover, as something so much closer…that was different. If Kakashi was right, that Raidou had felt this sometime in the past, but didn't come out with it, but instead trusted that they would make it through it together, what Genma was doing now wasn't fair in a completely different level.
Kakashi studied the older man and could almost see the gears and wheels turning and clicking into place. He offered a half gloved hand to help him up, Genma took the offered hand and stood, "We both have loved ones to go home to," he chuckled, "And you made me talk way too much after training with Naruto."
Genma chuckled and gave the younger man a smile, "Thanks."
"Maa, don't worry about it," he smirked, "Go home, Genma." His hands went through quick seals and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Genma sighed and mentally nodded to himself. He was so concerned of how everything was being unfair to Raidou, that he didn't consider how unfair it was to the both of them. He knew what he had to do, what he should have done instead so that Raidou could understand.
He walked home, to give him time to prepare himself and think about his words. He could do this.
Despite his instincts and reflexes, Raidou jumped when he heard the front door open. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and waited.
Genma toed off his shoes and took off his sweater before moving down the hall. He hesitated outside the bedroom before entering, his eyes falling on the older man that sat on the edge of the bed, patiently waiting for him. He let out a breath that he wasn't aware he was holding before walking to stand in front of the older man, between the wall and the bed.
Raidou looked at Genma, as the younger man tried not to fidget and tried to meet his gaze. He was hesitant, he could tell, but in a good way? He wasn't sure.
"There's a reason," Genma started, "Why I never became part of a serious relationship. Why I never let myself become emotionally evolved…become close to someone," he swallowed and tried not to avert his gaze, "Because I didn't want that day to come…when that person doesn't come back home to me," he clenched his jaw, "It was the way I protected myself from that kind of pain, to avoid the pain that came with loss," he dropped his gaze for a moment before looking back into the dark eyes, "And…I guess I wanted to protect you from that…I don't want you to go through that again."
Raidou could stop his lips into curving into a warm smile, So he is doing this for me. He held out his hand and the younger man hesitated for a moment before slipping his own into it. He gently pulled the younger man onto his lap and kissed a pale cheek as his arm wrapped around his lover's waist, "Gen, I know how it feels, to lose a lover, and because of that…I never really thought I would let myself fall for someone again," he looked at his lover with a fond smile, "I suppose it was a way to protect myself. But then again…love is something you can hardly control, hm?"
Genma looked at the older man and his lips curved into a small smile as he slowly nodded in agreement.
"I don't regret falling in love with you, Genma, and I never will," he spoke softly enough for the younger man to hear him, "And…if something were to happen to you, it would hurt even more not being able to be there for you, let alone be the last one to find out," he smiled, "And I do believe that we deserve what we find within each other…don't you?"
Genma smiled and leaned in to give the older man a chaste kiss, "I do."
Raidou smiled and gave the younger man a soft kiss, "Life's too short, Gen. So let's make the best out of it, alright? Preferably together."
Genma smiled, "I'll like that."
Raidou's smile widened and leaned in to seal their lips together for a sweet kiss before pulling away, "Do you still think it wasn't a good idea?"
Genma sighed and leaned his head against a strong shoulder, "No, Raidou, because you have a point, life is too short."
Raidou smiled and dropped back onto the bed, earning him a soft grunt from the younger man.
Genma sighed and curled against the older man's side. He had to believe in and trust what they had together, because it was worth it. He just hoped that was enough.
AN: Hope I didn't rush this :( Anyway! Next chapter realigns with "Ours" again! With what chapter you ask? 13! So, I don't know how long this fic will end up being, hopefully not too long.