Note: Hi guys! I feel like I'm so often updating on Sunday's haha, I wanted to make this note about how awesome this Sunday felt, sun shining while drinking coffee on my balcony kind of stuff, blablabla, then realized I've done that before as well.. So.. Well. Let's just get started immediately. This one was quite hard to write, so I hope it won't disappoint. Enjoy XO.
Chapter 20: Memoirs of a Mother
25th of July, 1988
Two stripes meant pregnant. One stripe meant not-pregnant. Lily was eagerly waiting for the minutes to be up and the result to show. Her heart was beating in her throat. This was not good. This was not good at all. When she had missed her period a month ago, she had figured it had been stress. Stress of breaking up with Rufus, of missing Rufus, of having her mom around her all the freakin' time… When her period wasn't showing again this month, Lily had started to get worried. Was she pregnant? She couldn't be, could she?
The memories of her and Rufus kissing and making love for the last time flashed through her mind. They cut through her like a knife. God, she missed him so much. Maybe this was a sign…. A sign that she should contact Rufus again, tell him everything and, most important, tell him how much she loved him.
Lily knew it was time; the pregnancy test would now show whether she was being pregnant or not. She took a deep breath as she closed her eyes before whispering: "Please don't be pregnant. Please don't be pregnant."
She stared at the test in her hands. This couldn't be true. Her hands started to tremble and the test dropped on the floor. "Fuck…"
Lily felt as if she was being kept in a chokehold. She needed air. She rushed out of the bathroom, gasping for air. She was pregnant. She was actually expecting a baby. Her and Rufus were expecting a baby.
19th – 20th of April, 1995
"I don't want to discuss this here, Rufus."
"Well, you started this, Lil." Rufus grabbed her hand as Lily was trying to make her way over to the car.
"Rufus, please." Her eyes begged him to come with her instead of have a discussion on her mother's property. "I don't want to do this with my mother so close. This is something I want to do in private."
Rufus sighed as he looked at Lily, who still looked like a ghost. All sorts of thoughts were going through his mind. Had she been pregnant when she was young and had an abortion? Had she miscarriaged while they had been together and not ever told him about it? "Okay… We'll get a cab, Lil."
Lily nodded before making her way over to the steets, eager to find them a cab. Her nerves were killing her. She knew a ride to her place would take them only about ten minutes if traffic would be in her favor. Ten minutes in which she had to decide how to break the news to Rufus. This wasn't supposed to happen. This was never supposed to happen. Lily hailed a cab immediately once she had reached the side of the road, which luckily stopped immediately.
Rufus got in behind her, not sure what to do, or what to say. Lily seemed nervous and frightenend, and he had to admit it scared him a little bit.
Lily was silent the entire ride, looking out of the window. Rufus had grabbed her hand when they got in, not letting go. Lily was thankful for that; perhaps it would be the last time he would be this affectionate. She stared into space during their ride. Why had she messed this up so bad?
The ride in the cab seemed to last forever, and Rufus was relieved when they had reached Lily's loft.
"You eh… You want a drink?"
Lily shook her head. "No… I'm okay." She dropped herself on the couch while throwing off her heels. This was it. She had to tell him everything. There was no going back anymore. Lying to him crossed her mind briefly; she knew it would eventually make things even worse though. Rufus hated lying. She bit her lip as she whispered: "Come sit, please."
Rufus sat down next to her, a beer in his hands. He wasn't sure what to do, what to say or what to expect. He just… Waited.
"I eh…. I just…" Lily shook her head. She was afraid to even look into Rufus' eyes. He would be so dissapointed. So hurt. She could only hope he would understand slightly.
She took his hands in his, finally daring to look at him as she said: "I… I just need you to know that I never wanted this to be this way… If I could turn back time I would've done it all differently."
Rufus shook his head, not completely understanding. "I… I'm not sure I'm following, Lil."
"Just… Just promise you'll let me finish before saying something, okay?"
Rufus nodded. "Okay…"
Lily took a deep breath. "When eh… After I broke up with you, I eh… I noticed I wasn't getting my period. At first I thought it was the stress, everything that was going on… I, I figured it was nothing. When I missed my period a second time though I figured I had to do a test… Just in case. I… I bought a test, and, well, I… I remember waiting, sitting in my bathroom in my mother's house, wondering what the hell was happening. I… I thought it was a sign, a warning…. A sign that I had made the biggest mistake of my life when I had left you, that it was a sign telling me I needed you in my life."
Lily shook her head, biting her lip to hold back tears once again. She was still holding Rufus' hands in hers as she continued. "That test was positive. I…. I completely freaked. I was upset, and I… I needed you. I wanted to call you, tell you about it… My mother got to me though. She found out immediately, I should've hidden that test… She… She went insane. Getting a baby would ruin my life, I was absolutely not allowed to keep that baby… I was scared, Rufus… I…. I didn't know what to do. My mother… She convinced me you would never give up your life for me and my baby, not after I had left you the way I had. I…. I couldn't get myself to get an abortion. I didn't want that to happen, I just couldn't take a baby's life just because my life was so screwed up… My mother, she sent me to Paris. I was there during that pregnancy. I gave birth, on my own, in Paris… My mother arranged for the baby to be adopted, I was barely able to spend time with him after he was born... And then I got back to New York, as if nothing had happened. My mother never said a word about it again. Never."
The tears she had desperately been trying to hold back had started flowing halfway through anyway. Hearing herself say it all out loud made it sound even worse… God, she felt horrible. She was such a terrible person.
Rufus' eyes were filled with confusion and shock. "You… Wait… You mean… You and I… We have a child? There…. There was a baby? A baby boy?"
Tears were streaming down her face as she whispered: "I am so sorry, Rufus… I'm sorry."
Rufus untangled his hands from hers as he got up of the couch, walking back and forth through the loft in silence as Lily was looking at him, waiting for him to speak. He didn't though.
"Rufus… Say something, please."
The hurt and pain Lily saw in Rufus' eyes when he turned himself again to face her was something she had never seen before. "Rufus…"
"I… I think I need some air."
"Rufus, please don't go…" Lily flew up of the couch and grabbed his hand.
"Lil… Please. This is… This is a lot. Please let me go."
Lily let go of Rufus' hand and watched him go. He didn't look at her as he stepped into the elevator. The moment the elevator doors closed, Lily broke down. She couldn't stop her tears anymore as she started sobbing uncontrolably. This was it. She and Rufus had just found each other again. And now she was afraid she had lost him forever.
The April breeze outside was soft, yet Rufus felt shivers running down his spine. There was another child of him. Somewhere out there was another Humphrey guy living his life, someone carrying his blood, his DNA… How had Lily not ever told him about this? The thought of Lily being on her own throughout the entire pregnancy and birth of their child made him cringe. She shouln't have done that all alone; he would've helpen her. God, he would've done everything for her and the child if she had told him.
Rufus hit a stone on the ground with his foot, sending it flying into space. He couldn't stop his mind from thinking about a hundred things at once. Why had Lily never told him about this? What was it that had made her so afraid to tell him? Why had she not told him after they had gotten back together again? Why had she made the decisions all on her own? It had been their child, not just her child.
His emotions were going through the roof right now. He felt angry, he felt hurt, he felt sad, he felt sorry for Lily… "Fuck!" Rufus yelled. He yelled out loud, knowing there was absolutely no one near him in the streets. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
25th of July, 1988
"I can't believe you were trying to hide this from me, Lilian."
"Oh come on, mother, I found out myself this morning. You really think I would just leave that test in the bathroom? That's fucking stupid."
"Watch your mouth, young lady!" Her mother pointed her perfect manicured finger at her, the rage and annoyance written all over her face.
Lily rolled her eyes. This had been so dumb. After the shock of finding out she was pregnant, she had ran. She had needed the fresh, New York summer air. She had felt as if she couldn't breath.
How stupid for her to have just left the test laying around in the bathroom. Of course her mother had found it. After receiving a ten minute speech on how completely irresposible it was to have sex without protection, her mother had now been somewhat calmed down. Well, just a very little somewhat perhaps.
"Lily, darling…. This isn't good. You… You're expecting a child."
Lily sighed as she looked at her feet. "I know… I…. I think I should find Rufus. He needs to know about this too."
"Definitely not." CeCe's stern words caused Lily to look up at her in confusion. "What do you mean, definitely not?"
"Darling, he's a musician. You really think he will take care of you and the baby? How many girls do you think have already slept in his bed after you've left? He's going for his career, not for a pregnant girl he once dated for a while."
"You don't know him, mother, he would never, never let me take care of a baby on my own. He loved me."
"Exactly, loved. Do you really think he'll be excited to find out he's expecting a baby with a girl that broke his heart?" The look of triumph on her mother's face probably hurt even more than all the other comments she had ever made.
Maybe her mother was right. She had hurt Rufus so badly; why would he even care? Why would he even want a baby with a girl that had chosen money over love?
20th of April, 1995
Lily felt empty; her tears had stopped falling and her mind had stopped spinning. She just felt numb. Rufus had left her loft about two hours ago, as it was now marking to be around two in the night. Lily had hoped he would come back to her. He hadn't though, for wich she obviously couldn't blame him. God, she had messed things up.
She figured it was time to get out of her purple dress; it was clinging onto her like skin and she was getting annoyed with it. Fuck the dress. Fuck the Louboutins that had been gracing her feet. Fuck the expensive necklace she had been wearing. All the money, all the luxury…. It was fabolous, it was fantastic… But she'd rather have Rufus.
Reaching her bedroom seemed to take an etirenity, despite being less then a minute. She grumbled; reaching her zipper was so annoying. After fumbling around for far too long, the dress had finally gone off. She switched the purple silk for a pair of soft black leggings and an oversized white t-shirt. At least the clothes now were comfortable. She threw her hair up in a ponytail before making her way back to the living room. Lily knew she probably needed some sleep, but she also knew she simply couldn't. She stopped when she reached her clothing room. She knew what she'd kept there.
Her instinct brought her to that room, searching for that familiar black box she knew was somewhere in the back. She grabbed it when she had found it, taking it with her while making her way back to the warmth of the couch. The floor felt cold beneath her bare feet, but she really didn't care. She didn't really care about a lot right now anyway. This hadn't supposed to happen.
Her heart almost stopped beating when she noticed the dark-haired figure in her livingroom. Was this for real?
"Rufus…"
He turned around at the sound of his name, noticing how terrible Lily looked. She was still beautiful, of course she was. She just looked… Broken. Rufus looked at her, clinging on to a little black box before he said: "Lil…."
Lily made his way over to him. "God, I…. I'm so happy you came back… Can we talk, please?" She noticed him flinching when she touched his arm. Maybe she had been a little to excited with his return.
"Lily, I…" Ouch. Lily. It had been a while since he had actually called her 'Lily' instead of 'Lil'. "I… I got back here because… I don't know actually. I… I feel so many things right now, so much hurt, so much anger, so much… I… I literally can't even describe what I feel right now."
Lily just nodded, not sure what to do or what to say. She stayed put, glued to her spot close to Rufus. She just waited.
"And I…" Rufus took a breath before he said: "I hate how you apparently thought I would let you take care of your baby alone because I had my music…"
He was so hurt. Lily could obviously tell and it broke her heart. She was the blame for this. She and only she. Lily was surprised when he cupped her cheeks, looking at her with this intense mixture of emotions as he said: "I would've helped you, Lil. I would've done everything for you and that baby."
Lily's stream of tears seemed to get going again. Her eyes got wet; she knew he would've. She freakin' knew. She bit her lip, wanting to say a million things. No words came out of her mouth though.
Rufus dropped his hands, Lily immediately missing his touch. He wasn't sure what to do. Yes, he loved Lily. He loved her deeply. But this… This huge secret had been there for years. How was he able to trust her? He shook his head before saying: "I eh… I'm going to go home. I need some time to think."
"I understand." Her voice sounded strangled and small, and in all honesty, all Rufus wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything would be alright. If only he knew if that was going to be the case.
He made his way back to the elevator when he heard her call out his name. Rufus turned around again, seeing Lily approach him. "I'm sorry, Rufus."
"I know."
They looked at each other for a while, not sure of what to do. Both were aching for physical contact, yet both knew it wasn't the time. Rufus was surprised when Lily handed him the little black box she'd been holding. A puzzled look was on his face when he looked at her. She bit her lip.
"You eh… You should open this, when you're ready for it… It's not much. But it's something."
Rufus knew she was referring to their baby. He just nodded, accepting the box, not sure what to say. Their fingers brushed when the box was handed over, causing them both to quickly step back immediately. Lily shook her head before whispering: "I want to fix this, Rufus…"
"I know." He wanted to tell her it would be fixed. He wanted to tell her things would be okay eventually. He just couldn't. He stepped into the elevator, making sure not to look at the devestated woman he was leaving behind.
21st of April, 1995
Rufus was eyeing the little black box on his kitchen counter once again. The little box had been burning wherever he had been putting it. Rufus had wanted to open it the moment Lily had given it to him, but somehow it felt as if it was Pandora's box. What would happen if he opened it? It would all become real. It already was real. It would just become… Even more real. He sighed. Maybe he shouldn't do this on his own.
He made his way over to the phone, dialing a very familiar number. "Hey….. It's me…. Can you come to my place? …. Yes, I'll be home."
She had never been there faster; his doorbell rang in less than thirty minutes. He could tell she had barely been sleeping when she walked in. She still looked good though. She always did.
"Lil, hey…"
"Hey…" She pressed her lips into a small smile, not knowing if she should kiss him or just stand.
Rufus scratched his head, deciding to come straight to the point. "Okay, listen, I eh… I…. That little box, you gave me, I…." He shrugged. "I can't open it on my own. I want to do that with you."
"Oh…" Lily looked at Rufus, who seemed so uncomfortable and so… Torn. It felt good that he wanted to do something with her though. Apparently, he wasn't completely done with her yet. A small smile formed on her lips, an actual one, as she said: "I eh…. I would like that."
Rufus nodded before making his way over the to kitchen counter, grabbing the little box before sitting on his couch. Lily threw off her coat before joining him. Rufus stared at the box for a second; why was this so hard?
He didn't flinch when Lily's hand touched his. She squeezed it before whispering: "It's not that much in there. Just… Just open it. It'll be a relief."
He didn't reply as he slowly lifted the lit of the box, losing Lily's warmth in the process. The first thing he saw already took his breath away. It was a poloraid picture of Lily and their baby. Lily looked exhausted. No smile on her face, it was all saddness and pain. He could tell immediately. God, she looked so pretty. And alone. Tears were welling up in his eyes. Why had she done this the way she had?
Rufus bit his lip before daring to look into Lily's eyes, which were wet as well. "Lil… Jesus, Lil… Why did you do this? You… You could've done that with me there. Not on your own. Not on your fucking own. I would've hold your hand, caress your skin… I would've done every fucking thing for you and our baby."
Serena and Eric were playing in the living room while Lily was trying to gather all their things. Maybe a good afternoon stroll with her kids would help her take her mind off of things temporarily. Lily knew she couldn't drag them into her misery, but she had to admit it was tough. Smiling, doing their thing, when inside, all she felt was remorse and pain.
The elevator beeps interrupted her thinking. She was surprised to find William there, though not completely in the mood to talk with the guy.
"Daddy!" Serena jumped up as she made her way to her father.
"Hey princess!" William hugged his daughter, who was now up in his arms. Eric held out his arms as well, wanting to be lifted up as well. Lily couldn't help but smile as she grabbed him, picking him up so he could be on the same level as his sister.
Their little family encounter did make Lily smile; at least her kids were happy. "Lily, hi."
She acknowledged William with a little nod and smile as she put Eric back on the ground again, Serena following soon as well. While the kids continued playing again, Lily made her way to the kitchen, William following her directly.
"Lily, I eh… I'm sorry about what happened during dinner. I eh… I didn't see all that coming."
Lily nodded. "I know."
"Hey.." William tilted her chin up to make sure she was looking into his eyes. "I'm not sure what happened in there… I know it must be tough on you though. I just wanted to make sure you're holding up… If there is any way I can help…"
Lily shook her head, breaking the contact his hand had with her chin. "I don't feel like talking about it..… But thanks, for coming over." She smiled at him. It was kind of him to check on her. "I was just about to take the kids out for a walk."
"Mind if I join?"
William looked excited, and though Lily really wasn't that interested in having him as her company, she knew the kids would be thrilled. "I'm sure the kids will love that."
William looked briefly at his ex-wife, trying to get a hold of her eyes. He couldn't, though. He lightly touched her shoulder, briefly squeezing it before saying: "You'll be alright, Lily. Come, I'll go get the kids ready."
They were walking in the park less than thirty minutes later, and as expected, the kids were overly excited to have their mother and their father walking with them. Lily smiled as she watched William playing airplane with Serena; she was giggling with laughter up on the shoulders of her father. Yes, this was a good distraction. At least sort of.
Lily was so occupied with watching her ex-husband and children having fun, she didn't noticed a very familiar figure standing nearby. Rufus had seen her immediately though. He knew he was getting jealous; why was Lily with William? And why was she… Smiling? He knew that was mean of him; he couldn't see her eyes, as they were hidden with a pair of sunglasses, and those eyes would probably tell him she was as broken as he was. The hint of jealousy didn't fade though. Rufus didn't like William. Not even a little bit.