Syed was woken by an elbow to his chest, but it took him a minute to clear the fog from his brain. With a sudden rush of adrenalin waking him up, he realised that it was Christian thrashing around in the bed that forced him awake. At first, he wasn't sure what to do, but he gingerly reached out to Christian, who, although no longer moving about, was looking tense in his sleep and had a sheen of sweat on his brow.
"Christian," he said quietly. "Hey, it's okay," he said as his lover moved around again.
Christian's eyes opened and he pushed himself up to a sitting position, leaving Syed behind on the bed, leaning on his elbow. As Christian made no move to lie back, Syed sat up to be closer to him but he didn't reach out to him, not yet... not when he took in the tenseness of Christian's muscles and his shallow breathing.
"It was just a nightmare, everything's fine," he said, hoping his voice was a soothing as he was aiming for in the quiet of the night.
"Yeah," Christian responded, his head now turned more towards Syed. "Yeah, I know."
"What was it?" He reached a hand out now and gently massaged up and down Christian's spine.
"I don't really remember much."
"So it wasn't like that one from before? The one where Fatboy kept putting 'bling' around your neck until you couldn't breathe?" Syed smiled a little at the memory. Of course that nightmare had happened in the middle of an afternoon, when Christian and he had fallen asleep after making love and Syed had insisted that Christian keep his tie on but discard the rest of his suit. The tie had become caught up between them as they slept and tightened around Christian's neck. It could have been more serious but they'd laughed it off and Christian had had a thing about playing with Syed's ties ever since.
But this seemed more serious. Especially when the smile Christian gave in response to the reminder had seemed for show rather than being genuine.
"This one was different," Christian nodded, and even if he was telling the truth about not remembering much, he seemed scared by what he'd seen in his sleep.
Syed kept his hand on Christian's back. "Was it about Alec?" He didn't want to ask but if he was going to help Christian, he had to know.
"I think so. Maybe. I dunno... I remember seeing fire, I guess." Christian was cagey in his response but did seem to genuinely not remember much and Syed could only consider that a blessing. He may not have seen what Christian had in the fire but he knew it couldn't have been pleasant. He just wished Christian would open up to him more, but then, he always found it difficult to ask considering that he really didn't want to know. Being a supportive boyfriend meant that he should, and he really wanted to be there for Christian and try to ease any burdens. He just had very little clue how to go about it without upsetting either of them.
Christian turned into him and they both collapsed back onto the bed together with Christian's head safely tucked into Syed's neck, while Syed kept his arms around him. He stroked his fingers over the back of Christian's head as Christian's breathing slowly returned to normal and he could feel his heartbeat slowing again.
"You should try to go back to sleep. You need it," he said quietly.
"I wish people would stop saying that," Christian sighed.
"Well, if you didn't need it, we wouldn't keep saying it."
"Let me have a minute first though, yeah? I'm wide awake now, anyway."
"You still look exhausted. Look at those bags under your eyes, have you looked in the mirror lately?" He didn't want to use Christian's vanity against him, but maybe it would work.
It took Christian a few moments in the dark before he replied, probably weighing up what he should say. "I'm so tired," he eventually let out, quietly, but like a burden had lifted by admitting it.
"I know." Syed could only be supportive right now.
"There's so much in my head, whirring around."
"Maybe I can help you shut it up, yeah?" He didn't mean it to sound like he was suggesting sex, but he belatedly realised that it could be taken that way - but Christian didn't laugh at the innuendo, like he normally would. It seemed to go over his head for once. That in itself was worrying.
"I don't want to put all this on anyone else."
"Hey," Syed pulled back a little and tilted Christian's head up so he could try and see his eyes, even though it was dark in the room. "I'm your boyfriend. I'm going to be your husband. It's not about 'putting it on me'. It's about me trying to help the man I love."
Christian worried at his bottom lip then leaned in and kissed Syed. "I love you, too," he said before settling himself back down, this time with his head slightly lower on Syed's chest.
"That wasn't why I said all that."
"I know but just... let it go for the moment. Please."
Syed was glad of the dark, so Christian couldn't see how frustrating he was being. Syed didn't want to start an argument so he did as asked and let it go. Mostly. "Fine. Let's go back to sleep."
Christian sighed but didn't respond; he just placed a small kiss on Syed's chest where he was lying and settled in against him. Syed's thoughts turned again to worry for Christian. If this wasn't his first nightmare then it would explain why he was so tired, if he wasn't getting any sleep while he suffered from them. It would make sense. The only question would be how long it had been happening for. Of course, he also wanted to know why Christian hadn't said anything to him about it. Though, maybe in that thick head of his he hadn't thought it important since the doctors hadn't done or said anything about it... they must have assumed his tiredness was a result of his injuries.
He didn't know what to do, except be there and make sure Christian realised that whatever he saw in his sleep had no bearing on real life.
As Syed considered everything, it took him a while to fall back asleep himself. He had hoped to stay awake until Christian had but he couldn't hold out...
Christian hadn't meant to fall asleep again, but being in the comfort of Syed's arms and listening to the beating of his heart had lulled him, and before he knew it his dozing turned back into sleep and eventually back into his nightmares.
Luckily when he woke with a start this time, his head flying up from where it was against Syed, it wasn't enough to wake his partner. He flattened a hand against the beating of his own heart, feeling it so loudly banging that he was almost scared that would wake Syed. He kept his hand pressed against himself, trying to suppress it, trying to slow it down with light rubs.
Carefully he placed a kiss against Syed's temple and then moved his own pillow into the spot he was in to keep it warm as he backed out of the bed and padded into the kitchen. He got himself a glass from the shelf and poured some water for himself, drinking it quickly before placing the glass in the sink and leaning over it, thinking... not sure what to do.
He'd had vague hopes that being home and being with Syed would help put a stop to the nightmares. He'd hoped they'd only plagued him when in hospital, where he could hear all the strange noises at night and was surrounded by strangers.
But apparently not.
Whatever this was, this... chronic nightmare problem, it was beginning to have a bigger effect on him that he was struggling to deny to himself and hide from the people around him. He was supposed to be healing but what Syed had said earlier was right - he'd seen himself in the mirror and he wasn't stupid, he knew how gaunt his face looked and how old it made him look. And feel.
He wiped a hand over his face and slowly made his way over to the sofa, grabbing his dressing gown on the way. He sprawled himself out and picked up a magazine. He tried to read it but his thoughts were distracting even for news on Cheryl Cole.
He was losing track of the images in his dreams. The first few had been vivid; he'd seen garish images of Alec's death, then seen that person become Syed and witnessed the horror of losing the one person he loved more than anything else. And his mind had started making up new horrors as well... there was one nightmare he had a memory of, where he saw Alec in the morgue, opened up the body bag and found all sorts of insects and disgusting creatures eating away at the burned flesh, escaping the bag and attacking him, trying to get to his back and shoulder.
It was little wonder he was being put off eating sometimes.
Tonight, so far, he had little memory of the specifics of the dreams. The feelings they left behind though, those were unmistakable. He had fleeting images of fire again in his head of faces that were in pain and frightened. And blackness. There was a lot of black and of darkness the colour of charcoal. In that blackness, when he thought back on it, it had a feeling come to him akin to loss, or of grief. Everything in his head was so negative. When it was night time and dark outside, his entire being just fell into negativity. So long as it was light outside he could do his best to ignore it all, and to enjoy himself and his time with Syed. Heck, he'd even crack a few jokes when his mood was at its best.
He was beginning to fear the night, like a frightened child. And he had no clue how to get over it. But to ask for help for something like this? Who would he ask? And he still hoped it would pass over time. He hated feeling this way but what could he really do right now?
He'd never asked for help over a year before, when he'd felt like a prisoner in his own flat, but somehow Syed had helped him break through that barrier. He didn't want to burden Syed with his problems like this again. They'd got through it before with Syed just being there for him. And here he was again.
Christian turned and looked to the bed where Syed was peacefully hugging his pillow.
Yes, all he needed was for Syed to be there, and somehow he'd get over all this. He didn't need any other help.
As the sun began to rise in the early morning of spring and peeked through the slats of the blinds, Christian was able to go back to reading this week's gossip and marvel once again about why they always had to print trash about Katie Price...