Chapter Twenty-One
The Discovery of E-mail

The fanfiction writing craze soon died down and Hogwarts slipped into a state of boredom once again. Harry heaved a pathetic, shuddering sigh. "I almost wish we could have classes."

McGonagall suddenly appeared, as if on cue. "I have an important announcement to make. Due to Educational Decree Number Six Trillion, five billion, and ninety-two, students are now required to take one class minimum per day. That is all." She disappeared.

"Oh, no!" wailed Hermione. "I don't want to go to class! Learning is for losers."

"Our class for today is Defense Against the Dark Arts," Ron said. "We'd better go."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and various other students all filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and sat down. Remus Lupin grinned at them all enthusiastically. "Today, we're going to learn about Dark Arts!" He tacked a piece of paper on the wall, tipped a paintbrush in some black paint, and painted a big black splotch on the piece of paper. "This... is dark art!"

The class stared blankly back at him.

Remus ignored them. "Anyway, dark art is considered evil because it is boring and possesses very little artistic potential. Now can anybody tell me... how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and practiced the dark arts?"

The class continued to stare blankly at him.

"Oh, come on! One of you has to know the answer! What about you, Harry?"

Harry looked very disturbed. "Professor Lupin, are you sure you're teaching your subject correctly?"

"Harry, are you sure you're teaching your subject correctly?" Remus asked.

"What?"

"Nevermind," said Remus. "You're going to be my volunteer! So come to the front of the classroom, dear Harry."

Harry nervously got out of his seat and stood at the front of the room.

"Now," said Remus, "I am going to practice the dark arts on you, so try to defend yourself!" He dipped the paintbrush into the black paint and painted the side of Harry's face.

"Bloody hell!" Harry yelled. "You just painted me!"

Remus looked at him as if he were very unintelligent. "Harry, this is Defense Against the Dark Arts class! You should have stopped me!"

"I think Professor Lupin has gone insane," Ron whispered to Neville. "I say we go get Madam Pomfrey." Neville nodded and the two of them crept out of the classroom.

"Can I go back to my seat and wash this paint off?" Harry begged.

"Not so fast!" said Remus. "You're still part of the demonstration. Now hold still." He dipped his brush in the paint again and was about to paint the other side of Harry's face but Harry knocked the brush out of his hand. The brush went flying across the room and landed right on top of Draco's head, which caused Draco to burst into tears because his perfect pretty hair had been ruined.

Ten seconds later, Madam Pomfrey burst into the classroom with Ron and Neville behind her. "All right, Professor, it's time to take you to the loony bin!" She shot Remus with a tranquilizer dart and hauled him away.

"Thank Merlin!" cried the students. "Class is over!"

"I must get out of here as soon as possible before I am further tainted by the evils of learning!" shrieked Hermione. She was the first one of the out of room and immediately went to find a bathroom so she could reapply her mascara.

"I'm starting to think that Hermione is right," said Ron. "Learning really is for losers."

Neville stood on top of a stool and waved his arms excitedly in the air. "I say we bomb the school and set up an anarchy!"

"That will be enough from you, Mr. Longbottom!" said Madam Pomfrey. She shot Neville with a tranquilizer dart and he fell off the stool and ended up in a tangled heap on the floor.

"Let's go to the Great Hall," Harry said to Ron.

"Why?"

"I don't know. The Great Hall seems to be where we always go when there's nothing better to do." Harry and Ron went into the Great Hall and were soon approached by Professor McGonagall.

"Care to donate to the Draco Abuse Fund?" McGonagall asked, holding out a collection box.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.

"Well haven't you heard? Lucius Malfoy has been practicing child abuse on Draco and so we're all trying to give Draco the justice he deserves! Isn't that right, Draco?"

Draco was reclining in a soft armchair and a house-elf was giving him pumpkin juice. "Yes," he said tragically.

McGonagall gave him a hug. "Oh, it's all right, you poor thing. We'll all protect you because we just love you so much!" She patted him fondly on the head and walked away.

"Well that was weird," said Harry.

"Not as weird as what I have to tell you, Harry," said a voice.

Harry turned around and saw Christy floating in the air above him. "Christy, what are you doing here?"

"You're not going to take your laptops back, are you?" Ron said worriedly.

"No," said Christy. "What I have to say is this: Harry, the reason I have superpowers is because... I'm your daughter!"

"WHAT?" Harry cried. "That can't be!"

"Oh, but it is!" she insisted. "I am the daughter of you and Aurelia. I swallowed an aging potion shortly after I was born in America , making me sixteen years old!"

Harry promptly fainted.

"Did I pick a bad time to tell him?" Christy said to Ron. Ron merely shrugged.

Harry soon regained consciousness and opened his eyes, but at the sight of Christy he scuttled backwards and was ready to pass out again. "Are you okay, Harry?" Christy asked, looking at him anxiously.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier that you're my daughter?" Harry demanded woefully. "And why didn't Aurelia ever tell me? I thought we had a good relationship and could tell each other things!"

"Hey, everyone!" Draco interrupted, running into the Great Hall. He was eagerly holding a laptop in his hands. "I've just figured out how to create an e-mail account!"

Everyone in the Great Hall promptly grabbed their own laptops, fighting over who got to use the prettiest ones. Draco explained how to create e-mail accounts and soon everyone in the castle was able to successfully use e-mail, despite the fact that it went against all logic.

"But what's the point of this?" Harry asked, typing I_Hate_Voldy at wizardnet dot com as his e-mail address.

"I don't know," said Ron, typing up his address, King_Weasel at wizardnet dot com. "Maybe because instant messaging and chat rooms are so overdone."

"Yeah, you have a point," said Harry.

Over the next few days, e-mails went back and forth throughout the computers of Hogwarts. We will now take the time to invade the characters' privacy and see what they're sending to each other:

TO: mostperfectangel
FROM: I_Hate_Voldy
SUBJECT: I demand an explanation!

Aurelia,

How come you never told me about Christy? Why didn't you tell me we had a daughter? I've never felt so betrayed in my whole entire existence! You made me cry, Aurelia. I cried so hard and then the tears fogged up my glasses and I couldn't see and tripped over a chair. Now I have a scraped knee and it's all your fault!

Harry (who is very upset with you)

TO: I_Hate_Voldy
FROM: LuvMyGrandsonHP
SUBJECT: How's my favorite grandson?

Hi, Harry. Just wanted to know how you're doing. I have been sorely wounded by your e-mail address. Hate is a very strong word, Harry. Surely you can't mean that.

Love, Grandpa Voldemort

TO: LuvMyGrandsonHP
FROM: I_Hate_Voldy
SUBJECT: Re: How's my favorite grandson?

Yes, I do mean it, and I'm keeping this e-mail address! Now leave me alone and never mail me again!

Harry (who doesn't like you and never will)

TO: I_Hate_Voldy
FROM: mostperfectangel
SUBJECT: Re: I demand an explanation!

Harry,

I couldn't tell you about Christy because a prophecy made approximately 88 billion years ago said that if you knew that Christy was your daughter, it would create a time paradox in the future. Sorry about your scraped knee.

Love, Aurelia

TO: StRaIgHtSeXyHaIr
FROM: bouncingferret
SUBJECT: You thief!

Hermione,

My last bottle of hair gel has disappeared and I suspect you! You're the only one in this castle who obsesses over hair care as much as I do. Now give me back my gel or else!

Draco

TO: withoutagender
FROM: NurseLadySM
SUBJECT: Birth Records

Mr./Ms. Blaise Zabini,

I'm terribly sorry, but the hospital seems to have lost your birth record. It was accidentally destroyed in a magical fire sixteen years ago, and unfortunately we have no other record of what sex you were born with. Good luck in discovering your gender!

Yours truly, Nurse Lady
Saint Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries

TO: I_Hate_Voldy
FROM: hotdogSB
SUBJECT: Hey Harry

Harry, I was wondering if you would like go to the Beyond the Veil restaurant with me tomorrow. They have really good cookies!

Sirius

TO: bouncingferret
FROM: StRaIgHtSeXyHaIr
SUBJECT: Re:You thief!

Wat r u talking about draco? I didnt take ur gel! maybee dobbie the houseelf took it u shuold ask him.

hermione

TO: hotdogSB
FROM: I_Hate_Voldy
SUBJECT: Re: Hey Harry

HotdogSB? Hotdog? You've got to be kidding me, Sirius. Yeah right. As for your invitation, sure, I'd like to go to Beyond the Veil. The Dursleys never gave me any cookies, which I think is the worst abuse ever. Imagine a world without cookies! Life wouldn't even be worth living. Well, see you later, Sirius.

Harry

TO: I_Hate_Voldy
FROM: liger_warrior
SUBJECT: How's it going?

Greetings, member of the Nessie Alliance. Those flippin' retarded Japanese scientists are still trying to blow Nessie out of the water. Where's Sir Curt Godfrey? I looked him up but couldn't find him! Dang! So anyway, do you think you could find your leader or whatever and move Nessie to a safer lake? The Japanese scientists will never find her if she's hidden and protected by a strong enough force-field.

Yours truly, Napoleon Dynamite

Harry looked at the last e-mail he received in shock. "How the heck did that weirdo get my e-mail address? And what is he talking about, anyway?"

"Let me see!" Ron went over to look and quickly read through Napoleon's message. "Napoleon Dynamite? He's that nerdy Muggle who's obsessed with wizards and mythical creatures, right? Gosh, he's just like a reversed version of my dad. A Muggle who loves wizards instead of a wizard who loves Muggles."

"So do you think I should reply to him?" Harry asked anxiously.

Ron shrugged. "Sure, why not? What harm could it do?"

Harry clicked on the "Reply" button and started to type an e-mail to Napoleon.

TO: liger_warrior
FROM: I_Hate_Voldy
SUBJECT: Re: How's it going?

Napoleon,

I don't know how in the world you managed to get my e-mail address, but never send me any more mail ever again. I am not a member of this "Nessie Alliance" you're talking about. I'm just a student at Hogwarts School. And who is this Sir Curt Godfrey? I've never even heard of him. As for the Lochness Monster, there's nothing to worry about. The Ministry of Magic keeps her carefully protected. I seriously doubt any Japanese scientists could ever do anything.

Harry Potter

Harry clicked on the "Send" button and looked at Ron. "Well, let's hope nothing weird comes out of this whole situation."

Ron shook his head. "Harry, what could possibly happen?"

"Hmm, you're right. Let's go get some food, I'm hungry." He shut down his laptop and he and Ron piled food onto their plates.