Entry 150: "Goodbye"

Step into darkness…

Basking in the radiance, I stood tall on top of the familiar, prismatic platform I had ascended to. I opened my eyes and stretched out my body to fully awake from my apparent slumber. I looked around patiently around the area until I noticed a new, taller stairway of light leading higher and higher to the peak of this black space. Curious, I took one step toward it.

Return to the darkness…

I suddenly stopped and stepped back in wonder. Darkness, I thought. I should return to the darkness? I immediately recognized this message and turned toward that black pool I had left behind before. The vast void that blanketed far over the horizon… what I recognized as 'death.' I should go back there?

Do not fear the darkness…

My heart pounding, I suddenly felt compelled to go back. I felt that I would learn something back in the darkness. The thought that returning would mean 'death' didn't sway me. I looked over my shoulder to stare contemplatively at the second, shining staircase. As I scaled up that tall pathway to where I couldn't see it anymore, I felt nothing comparatively interesting about it. It was almost as if I felt that I shouldn't ascend that path just yet. For now, the darkness was calling me. My decision made, I took one short step on top of the first step leading down to the dark space below me. Once I had made that first step, the ones following were easier with each step descending to the dark depths.

Shortly, I found myself paw deep in the shallow white pool, the only light amongst the thick darkness beyond it. I observed the dark world before me for anything to catch my sight. I took one hard gulp as I remember what happened the last time. But, despite that, I took one step into the black space once again.

Do you despise the darkness?

Nothing happened. I took one sigh of relief that nothing like before happened again. Strengthening my resolve, I slowly marched out completely into the darkness. Enveloped in the deep shadows, I continued to breathe comfortably in this strange, nearly restricting atmosphere. Still paw deep in the shallow black water, I shortly stopped in my tracks once I walked a good distance from the white pool behind me.

Do you despise the darkness in your heart?

Suddenly, a familiar purple mist arisen from the darkness. I backed away a short distance and watched this dark cloud steadily make a physical form. Before long, a silhouetted shell of myself formed in front of me. I made an intense grimace at this creature's presence and quietly snarled underneath my breath.

The darkness in your heart… the 'beast…'

Soon enough, the dark figure began to approach me. I knelt down to a defensive stance, my snarling growing louder by each passing second. With unwavering focus, I prepared for any attack this empty shell would throw at me. However, something about this figure grew more different as it came closer and closer. Through the shadows, I barely made out a deep brown coloring from its arms. Shades of grey had spread over the top of its jet black mane. And those white orbs gradually became the same color as thousands of blades of grass. I took one step back as I stared into the eyes of my own dark reflection. It was me… the beast.

My dark self silently approached me with a peculiar, mischievous smile. I nervously watched as he circled around me, his sight focused hard on me. I felt myself perspiring, not certain of what my reflection was thinking… much to my own dismay. Suddenly, he sauntered closer to me until I felt him breathing into my ear. All thoughts of him being an illusion were quickly forgotten. I heard a familiar voice echo in my mind. It was my own voice. I had told myself, "You want Sarabi bad, don't you?"

I staggered backward, shaking my head from those thoughts. But, I looked back up to my black counterpart who gave me a playful, accusing grin. Was it him, I thought? Did he say that to me? But, he had my voice. He was me. I had said that… yet I didn't. Two paws hugged around my neck, and I jumped once I found my shadow clinging to me, his nose pressed against mine. "You think if she loves you… that's enough for you to keep living, right?" I said, the shadow's lips syncing with those words. "But… do you love you?" I briefly felt lightheaded and began to collapse, but my black self caught me and threw me onto my back. Before I could rise back on my feet, he hovered over me, revealing more of his wet fangs in his sly grin. "Do you hate me? Do you hate yourself?" That question rang endlessly in my mind. I focused all my thought onto that question. I had never look at how I felt all those years that way before. I don't remember ever thinking of myself that harshly. But, was that it? Did I hate myself?

Do not hate the darkness…

My eyes shot open as I lied in the den of Pride Rock, all alone once again. As I quickly came to my senses, I raised my head and sighed wearily. "Dammit," I scowled quietly. "This is all so frustrating." I stood up and stretched my stiff body before I began to march out from the shadowy room to the brilliant shine of the late morning beyond the doorway.

It didn't feel like a full-blown nightmare, but it sure wasn't a nice dream, either. I had to talk to someone about it, but I didn't feel comfortable sharing what has been going on in my head with my parents or anyone else in the pride. I was too spooked about it that I didn't want to scare off anyone else. That's when I immediately thought of Rafiki. After all, this kind of thing was his specialty. I was sure he could help me sort this out that I immediately set off to see him. I didn't tell anyone of this venture, however. I was already too embarrassed to speak to anyone else about my recurring dreams as it is. Hopefully, this wouldn't keep too long.

As I made my way over to Rafiki's tree, I spotted Busara quickly sprinting past me back to Pride Rock without as much as a word. He usually never stopped for me regardless, but he appeared rather urgent than normal. I wondered if something happened. It could wait, I thought. I was coming right back as soon as this was over.

Shortly, after I had made it to his home, Rafiki welcomed me into his tree and let me rest comfortably on a bed of leaves underneath the three lion symbols drawn on the hard, wide branch. I noticed that the two symbols of Taka and me now had a black and red ring around our respective heads while Sarabi's had two blue stripes hovering above the head. It was symbolizing that the three of us had finally come of age, the circle we drew near completion.

Rafiki pressed his hand over my head, and I calmly breathed in and out in reply of his gentle touch. I had already told him about this 'dream' I've been having lately, and he was still attempting to ascertain his hypothesis. "Hmm. You feel a little too warm," he said. "It may be a slight fever, but… Do you remember when you started having these series of dreams?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I think it was when I ran away to the Elephant Graveyard after I'd nearly…"

"Hmm… dis sounds like your deeper thoughts may be the trigger."

"Well… in these dreams, I feel torn in between the darkness and the light. It's almost if I was being made to choose one of them. What would you do if you were in that position?"

Rafiki took his hand away and stopped for a moment to think over what I had asked him. He pulled down through his white beard and turned back to me once he had come to an answer. "Let's see," he began. "Any reasonable person would tell you to choose the right path, the 'light' if you will. And Ru-gal had been pining after you for quite some time, wanting you to share in her 'darkness.' You have been influenced by both sides, and you know what I tink? I tink it's an impossible choice."

"Impossible choice?" I repeated.

Rafiki explained, "Sometimes people need to hurt and be hurt to learn lessons in life; in fact, it's after you suffer dat you're truly appreciative of the light. It works the other way, too. You get hurt so much dat you let yourself sink into darkness; you allow it to be your only comfort. You give up on what happiness you could've found and sometimes become driven to do horrible things, all because you believe dere's no point in searching for the distant light. Either way, you live ignorant of the opposite side of the same leaf."

"So… I should accept both?" I guessed.

"Light and dark are one. You cannot have one without the other. Assuming dat darkness is always evil and light is always good is foolish and subjective, don't you tink? It's all perspective."

"I think I understand," I purred. "But, how will I know for sure?"

"Dat is something that you, boy, must discover for yourself!" he exclaimed. "The one person who knows you the most… is you, you silly boy."

"All right, I'll hold you to that," I nodded with a small grin. "Ah, I do feel a lot better talking to someone about this. Thanks a lot, Rafiki."

I sat up from the bed and gave the old monkey a great hug, genuinely appreciative of his advice. Whether I really understood what he told me or not, I felt the emotional weight over my shoulders lift from me when I finally told someone. I was so happy that Rafiki would listen to me and help however he could. I was honored to have him as one of my dear friends. He wrapped his arms around me in return and petted across the back of my mane. I purred happily as I heard him whisper to me. "Be strong, Mufasa. Remember dat you are not alone."

As I headed back to Pride Rock, I took a moment to rest along the top of a grassy mound, staring high in the clear blue skies above me. I quietly breathed in and out while I held my right paw toward the sky, as if I was reaching for something there. "It's just as she said," I purred. "I live… for myself. Whether I wanted to walk, run, love, or hate, I decide that myself. Right now, I want to fly like Zazu can." I let my paw rest over my left paw over my chest and sighed contentedly. "Really, a selfish existence," I laughed to myself. "But, I guess that's fine with me."

"That's what I mean."

I rolled onto my side and raised my head to find Sarabi ascending the hill up to me. This would have to be the first time that she came to me, so I didn't know quite what to think of this situation. But, I kept a steady composure and welcomed her to lie down beside me. "Everything dies eventually; that's why one should make the most of it before their time has run out. At least… that's what I was told."

"May I ask who?" I wondered.

"My mother," she answered. "She told me that when I was very young. It wasn't until before I met Busara long ago that I understood what she probably meant. But, before that time, I thought of death so many times."

"Did you… lose her?"

"The War of Forgotten Memories... lives true to its name. On that day, I forgot what the opposing pride once was to me. I had lost all my friends I made there in the battleground, and all trace of my family was disappearing off the face of this earth. I had thought I had nothing left to lose… that no one would stop and cry if I had died."

My heart swelled with empathy as I listened long and hard about Sarabi's past. We both were in different situations at the time, but… she had suffered the same way I had for so long. But, she had long since learned from that experience before I did now. Now, I had a better idea of what she thought of me: she had seen herself in me and how I had been acting… just as I was now seeing myself in the vision of who she used to be.

I wore my most appreciative smile and draped one paw over her shoulder. "Thanks, Sarabi. That meant a lot."

"Um, you're welcome," she replied, faintly blushing. "I'm still amazed that I've opened up this much to you."

I took my paw away and quietly laughed, feeling a little awkward and embarrassed. I didn't know how to that comment, and I thought it was kinda pitiful and sad that I couldn't. But, Sarabi continued. "I would, you know." I turned back to her in wonder, and that was when she brought herself closer to me, her paw resting over mine. I swallowed good and hard while I felt her passionate gaze fall upon me. "If you, for whatever reason, were gone, I would miss you… even if I was the only one." I finally understood. She had directly answered my question from the other day. And she truly meant it. In an instant, I felt at ease, comfortable to have her so close to my side. After I had calmed down, I shut my eyes and pressed my head against hers. Our purring overlapped each other along with our intertwining tails. I had never been so happy in my life. I was here, alive, and in love. I never wanted to lose this feeling, I thought. I never wanted to leave this happiness that I… that we found together. At long last… I truly didn't desire death.

I overheard someone clearing his throat outside our intimate space. My sight suddenly directed towards Busara, sitting there with a small, accusing grin. Sarabi and I broke away from our embrace and stood back up as Busara approached us. "You sure are taking your time, Sarabi. Come on."

"Oh. Yes, sorry," she nodded apologetically.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"It's nothing; just something Busara wants help with. You'll wait for me, will you?"

"Always, Sarabi."

"Okay. Then… see you, Mufasa."

With that, Sarabi came to Busara's side, and they both marched off toward the direction of Rafiki's baobab tree. As they walked off, a strange, intuitive feeling tightened around my heart so much that my mind became aware of it. When she told me that she would see me later, I saw a brief, solemn glow from her eyes. Something didn't feel quite right, I thought. And the longer I felt this insecurity… the more alone I started to feel.

All of a sudden, I heard someone call me in a familiar, taunting sing-song voice. "Hey, Ugly. Over here." I turned around and followed the voice to a large boulder at the bottom of the grass hill, big enough for someone to hide behind. I had a good idea who it was, especially hearing that 'ugly' comment. I slid down the side of the hill and confronted the boulder with a quiet growl. "Come out, you three," I hissed. Sure enough, their laughs overlapping each other, Shenzi and her two brothers, Banzai and Ed, emerged from hiding and slowly approached me with taunting grins over their faces. "You must have rocks for brains if you actually came to me intentionally," I said.

"Oh, that's funny! You're really funny!" Shenzi mocked. "Please! You're nothing but a wishy-washy pussycat, what with your hormones runnin' outta control."

"Yeah, we're talkin' about you and your little would-be girlfriend," Banzai added. "I'm just sorry that it's not gonna work out."

"What are you talking about?" I wondered.

"Do yourself a favor and just jump off the edge of a gorge someplace," Shenzi said, waving her paw out toward the horizon. "Save yourself a lot of heartache."

"What do you know about that Sarabi chick anyway? How do you know she won't give you the ol' backstab?"

"You don't know anything about her, either!" I hissed. "How dare you say that to me!"

"Temper, temper. Just thought we give you some friendly advice. After all, accordin' to our stepmum, our door is still open to ya."

"Ru-gal still wants me to join her? That's ridiculous!"

"Yeah, the freak is needy, isn't she?" Shenzi replied casually. "Guess the lion in her sees something in ugly lions like you."

Banzai shrugged, "Anyway, I guess that's all we have to say. Guess we should go home now."

"You idiot! Since when was that crappy graveyard our home?"

Ed barely kept his chuckles to himself after Shenzi slapped Banzai over the back of the head in physical response to his recent comment, but Shenzi slapped across Ed's jaw to make him quiet regardless. "Shut up and let's go," she ordered. With that, the three hyenas began to head back to join their pack. But, I took one step after them and called, "Hey, wait!" The boys kept going for a distance while Shenzi immediately stopped and faced me once more. "What makes you so sure that Sarabi would betray me?"

"Go back to your castle and you'll see," Shenzi replied. "Go and see how devious women like her really are. Be sure to cry long and loud so we can hear you… just like you always do."

The hyena trio laughed in a derisive riot as they walked on back toward the direction of the graveyard. I watched them leave with a steady but instable resolve. What did they know, I thought? She wouldn't betray me; I knew it. I trusted Sarabi, if more than anything or anyone else. I refused to believe it. I wouldn't believe it!

I had made it back to Pride Rock, only to discover what I had not expected. Several of the lionesses were seen lying in front of the kingdom in their own, separate tight-nit groups. Each lioness was with their closest friend and sister, carrying on a conversation they wouldn't dare speak to anyone else outside their private circle. Once again, they have all divided away from each other, just like the way I found them back then. And that only made me feel worse. Something was really wrong, and I was almost afraid to find out why.

"Mufasa, did you see her?"

Sarafina had came to me, and I saw the dried marks under her eyes to indicate that she was crying not too long ago. "What's happened here?" I asked. "Is this about Sarabi?"

"I'm sorry," she purred. "I knew how much she meant to you."

I didn't like where this was heading. I almost couldn't stand to learn what was going on. But, I couldn't lose control. I had to stay calm and deal with this rationally. Stay calm, Mufasa. Stay calm!

I quickly ran by Sarafina and headed toward the kingdom itself. The truth was there, I knew it was. I ascended up onto Pride Rock's promontory and found both my parents sitting side by side at the den's entrance. "I will have no more of your coming and going as you please anymore, boy," stated my father.

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"It appears that Ru-gal had more followers than we realized," Mother answered. "We had just received news that another wave of hyenas has been sighted just miles away from the Destinylands further south of here."

"More hyenas?" I echoed with bewilderment.

"They're determined to join Ru-gal's forces that are already here," Father continued. "We would have no chance if that were to happen. That's why Busara brought a message from the Destinylands to lend them our most potential members of the pride to join them. So, along with Busara to show them the way, we sent Kigali, a few of our older pride sisters, and…"

I replied, "…And Sarabi. But… I don't understand; why wouldn't she have told me about this?"

Both Father and Mother hesitated to answer. My body began to shake in anticipation of their reply. No, I didn't want to hear why. I didn't want to know! "Busara's report stated specifically…" Father explained, "…that there were 100 hyenas at the very most. And the Destinylands pride has only 25 members. Even with the lionesses we sent to join them, there is virtually no chance of survival. That's why the pride committed themselves into a suicide mission to weaken the incoming pack at best." I wore a blank, paralyzed expression while I fell back on my laurels. In an instant, I felt so cold that I swore I couldn't breathe any longer. For the while I began to register this fact in my mind, it felt like hours had just gone by. It kept so long before I unsheathed my claws onto the stone platform, trying hard to dig into it. Everything had come together in an instant.

"Then… see you, Mufasa."

Just then, she was telling me goodbye. Just when she had accepted my feelings, Sarabi had just walked out my life, knowing full well that she would die. She… lied to me. After all she had said about wanting to make the most of her life before it was over… was that all a lie?!

There was still enough time, I thought. She couldn't have gone too far. I could catch up to her, I knew I could. But, just as I turned around to race down Pride Rock, Father had anticipated me and leapt in my way! "I told you that I would have no more of your coming and going," he growled. "I forbid you from ever leaving the pride again; do you understand?"

"No, get out of my way!" I roared. "This can't be right! How can you just send them to their deaths like this?!"

"This is a war, foolish boy!" he roared back. "The King of the Destinylands and I assisted each other in this struggle many times. He helped us find this kingdom and shared our strengths. He and his pride have decided to lay down their lives to give us a fighting chance. They believe in us to put an end to this."

"But, running blind into suicide?! You think it's noble?!"

The two of us stared each other down with a quiet snarl, the small hairs on our back rising on end. "You are to stay put here… and help me protect this pride."

"Whatever you say… your majesty."

With that, I turned away from him and sulked into the den without another word. I accepted the darkness within and crawled into the corner with the most shadows. I nestled my head into my arms as the tears I had held back began to flow from my eyes. So, this was it, I thought. After all we went through, it all came to an end before it truly started. Sarabi was gone, and I would never see her again.

"Please don't hate your father."

I didn't bother to move from the comfort of my sorrow, but I knew it was my mother. "King Ghana of the Destinylands was one of the few friends he has left. He doesn't show it, but I'm sure he's agonizing over the fact that he may lose him. And because he and this pride must stay put to guard the hyenas that are already here, he can't go to help them. You see, even when he's king, he's never felt so powerless." She was right, I thought. Of course, Father had his responsibility to the pride, and our current situation wouldn't allow this decision to be any different. Even so… I hated the course of action he took. I hated him for sending Sarabi to battle when she's certain to die. I was so conscious of that thought that it eventually came out in words for Mother to hear. "But still… I'll never see her again. I never got to tell her right out… that I loved her."

"I'm so sorry," Mother replied. "I wish things turned out a little differently. Right now, all we can do is what we are able. Never give in until there's nothing left. Remember that."

I finally raised my head and watched as Mother walked back out the den, leaving me to myself.

I couldn't, Mother. I couldn't stop resenting Father for this decision. And I was disappointed in Sarabi the most for not having the decency to tell me outright. This just wasn't right, I thought. There had to have been another way. Not just Sarabi and the other lionesses that accompany her, but the pride of the Destinylands shouldn't throw away their lives like this. I didn't see any nobility in this venture. I wanted so much to change it. I wanted to change it so no one had to die so recklessly. I was certain that there was another way.

"Quite a fine mess you made of things."

I wiped away my tears with my right arm and stood back up to find Taka sitting there with a playful yet accusing grin. "Taka," I purred. "Where did you go?"

"Oh, I went somewhere to cool down. Yes, I can imagine that you didn't take the news any better than I did. Though you had it coming to you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I told you to stay away from her. Now, she's got it in her head that she has to die in your place."

"In my place? Wh, what are you saying?"

"It was supposed to be you. You were the one chosen to go to the Destinylands to die along with those fools. I know because I was there when our father made the decision."

I clenched my fangs and bore a disbelieving grimace to my brother in reply. "Me? I can't believe it."

"Yes. You must tell me how you did it, Mufasa. You must have some magic to make Sarabi choose you over me. Why, because she cared so much, she stood up to Father herself and demanded that he not send you to die. She said that she didn't want you to be sent to death just after you finally abandoned killing yourself. So, what does she do? She took your place."

"Stop talking like that!" I hissed.

"Why? I thought you'd be happy and honored that she would do this for you. This proves beyond a doubt that you are particularly special to her. Dare I say that she loves you?"

I shook my head negatively in response. No, no, no, this was all wrong. I knew for sure now. What she done completely contradicted with that talk about living for no one but yourself. Dying for me was nearly as worse as telling her to die for me myself. There was nothing more reassuring to what I planned to do next. "I'm going after her," I said. "I don't care what Father says. I'm going after Sarabi and bring her back."

"Oh, you are," Taka replied smoothly. "Play with fire, and you'll get burned. You know what will happen when Father finds out?"

"The moment I cross the border, he can't come after me, or he risks leaving the pride unprotected against the hyenas. Besides, you're here, right? You can help out until I come back."

"Heh. Why do I have to stay behind? Who's to say that I still like Sarabi?"

"Then, why didn't you go after her already when you were away from the pride?"

Taka laughed, "Yes. That's a good point. Very well then. The girls are still distraught over the ones they sent to aid the Destinylands, so the back of the kingdom is wide open. I'll keep Father distracted, and you try not to get yourself caught."

I quickly came to Taka and gave him a tight, affectionate hug. "Thank you, Brother. I knew I could depend on you."

"Always, Mufasa. Take care now."

With that, after I released him, Taka quickly walked out the den while I slowly came to the entrance to peek down to where Father sat at the base of the kingdom. Soon enough, Taka caught his attention and carried on in light conversation. With our father's focus on my brother, I looked back and forth for anyone else that may spot me but found no one. This was my chance. I quickly slithered from the den around to the pathway to the back of Pride Rock. The coast still clear, I stealthily followed the path until I had made to the empty back field of the kingdom.

From this point on, I should head toward the northeast until I make it on the other side of the huge gorge where Zahali threw herself to her death. Then, once I make a complete half circle toward Rafiki's baobab tree to avoid any contact with anyone in the pride, I would be on track and follow the same path Busara was leading Sarabi and our other pride sisters. I felt sad that I had to sneak away like this, but I had already made up my mind. Sarabi had saved my life and allowed me to find the good things about it again. Now, it was my turn. I swore that, on this new journey back into the outside world, I was going to find another way that required no meaningless sacrifice. I would dig hard to find another solution until there was nothing left. So, until then, everyone… my family… my friends…

Goodbye…