Updated March 2008.
Disclaimer: The usual, own nothing!
I had originally intended this to be the last chapter, but as usual my imagination ran away with me! There are so many things to clear up and tie together that I was running into page 26 and I was no closer to the end, so I've decided to stop and post what I've done so far. I'll explain why at the bottom of this!
Here we go, and please keep your hands in and your feet on the running boards at all times.
She was falling, her arms and legs flailing, trying desperately to catch the broomstick that was just out of her reach. Never moving closer and never moving away.
She could hear screaming, blood curdling screams that she knew were her own. Severus was leaning over the broomstick, shouting at her. Yelling at her to catch the broomstick, but no matter how hard she tried; she couldn't grip the twigs or handle.
She could feel tears pouring down her face. Panic, cold and hard settled in her chest.
Severus leaned over, his fingertips brushing the ends of hers; never able to grasp her properly. His face began to swim out of view and it became Dean leaning over, laughing down at her. He began to sing and she could hear the words in her head over and over again.
"Rock a bye, Megan on a broomstick….
When the broom breaks her death will be quick…"
Meg clamped her hands over her ears and tried to stop the words echoing round and round her head.
"No…." She could see the ground rushing up closer, ever closer. She was going to die; desperation washed over her, the feeling of being utterly helpless.
"Severus!" She screamed his name, clawing at something tangible now.
"Megan! Wake up, you're dreaming, it's just a dream!" Cool hands on her hot arms stopped her from trying to get away.
"Help me, please!" She tried to claw herself up his arms, frantically clinging to him, still caught in her nightmare.
"Megan, calm down; open your eyes and look at me. You're quite safe," whispered words in her ears, hands holding her still against the mattress, not allowing her to thrash about and hurt herself even more.
She opened her eyes and sighed heavily as the ceiling of the infirmary came into view. She was safe, she wasn't dead. Relief made her breath catch in her throat. Relief so strong she sagged into his chest, her head buried in his robes. Her breathing coming hard now, as his hands stroked her back, his voice, soft and low whispering words into her ear, words she didn't understand, didn't take in. But they calmed her all the same.
Tears wouldn't come; her eyes dry as she clung to his him; keeping her head buried in the security of the black robes that was pressed against her.
Severus. Severus was holding her. She was safe; she wasn't dead, no one had died.
She raised her head slightly, letting him pull back slightly.
She avoided his eyes and instead lay back, covering her bruised face with her hands.
"Megan?" he spoke deeply, softly.
But Megan didn't respond, didn't say anything at all. Made no move to show she'd even heard him. She was lost in herself; unable to get past the images of her dream.
"Megan." His voice held the same soft and low tone he used with the students. A tone of voice that couldn't be ignored, she drew in a shuddering breath; his voice stabilising her, bringing her round from the nightmare.
She lowered her hands and looked at his face. His black eyes regarded her closely.
"I'm sorry," she whispered the words, her eyes slipped from his to the top button on his frock coat which was buttoned up.
"He will be caught." His words were quiet, but she heard the dark menacing quality behind them. A shiver ran up her spine, she was certain that if Severus caught Dean, he would be pleading to go to Azkaban.
She looked back up at him and saw the edges of anger in his eyes at Dean.
Meg knew Dean had got away; it hadn't been hard for him to fly from the grounds, while Remus and the others had concentrated on getting Neville down without injuring him further.
She also knew that security around Hogwarts had been tightened and that there were wards around the infirmary. It scared her to think that he might try again. It scared her to think that Neville had almost been killed. It scared her to think that the entire events were of her own making.
She turned her eyes away from Severus; unable to look into those black eyes any longer.
Nothing had been said on a personal nature. He'd made no remarks on what had happened. Told her nothing of what he was feeling, or what he had felt. She didn't even know if he'd found the letter she'd written to him. She knew nothing past what he allowed her to see on his face and in his eyes. And that told her nothing.
He would sit with her, like he was now, sometimes she would fall asleep on her own but wake to find him sitting watching her. Other times she'd fall asleep with him beside her and then when she woke he'd be gone and Jack would be sitting there.
She wanted to ask him how he felt, ask him why he sat with her. But she was frightened of his answers and frightened of her response.
The rug she had been standing on one leg on had been ripped from under her and she was floundering still. Feeling as if she was in mid air still, still falling, but this time she was uncertain what would happen when she landed; if she ever landed.
Feelings, emotions all became entangled in her mind. Images and recriminations swirled around and around like flames in her brain. She was tired and sore still and she just wanted peace. But she didn't think she would ever lay claim to that feeling again.
"Megan?" The curtain pulled to one side and Poppy came bustling in, beaming cheerfully. "Isn't it a dreadful day outside? The rain isn't stopping to come down!"
Megan closed her eyes briefly, before mastering a tiny smile at the well meaning woman. She didn't want cheerfulness right now; she just wanted to be left alone.
"Do you want any pain relief potion, dear?" She came round the side of the bed opposite to Severus and using her wand checked Meg over.
"Hum…heart-rate up a little." Poppy frowned down at Meg, who kept her eyes lowered.
"Nightmare," Severus informed her softly.
"Ah…" Poppy nodded happy with her other readings. "Do you want any pain relief?" she repeated her earlier question and Meg had to bite her lip from screaming at her.
"No, I'm fine." She looked at her starched apron. "Thanks." It came out belatedly as she fought against telling the other woman she didn't want to stop feeling the pain because it was the only way she knew she was alive.
She didn't care what kind of day it was because she couldn't get past how close to death she'd come and how close to death Neville had been. 'If onlys' chased around in her brain, but it was too late now. The damage had been done. And she would have to pay for that. The knowledge that she had almost been responsible for a students death.
"Okay, then, well if you change your mind, call me!" Poppy backed out, her eyes meeting with Snape's, indicating silently she wanted to speak to him.
Meg didn't see the silent message, her eyes still studying the blankets under her fingers.
"Would you like me to bring you anything?" He stood up fluidly and crossed to the curtain before looking back at her.
Meg shook her head, still not looking at him.
He watched her quietly before slipping out of the cubicle leaving Meg to stare at her fingers blankly.
She wanted to shout after him. Tell me to come back and talk to her, tell her that things were okay. She wanted him to turn back time for her. But no sound left her lips because she knew he could do neither.
"She's not doing as well as I hoped," Poppy sighed as she sat in front of Snape and Jack. Remus hovered in the background looking shattered; his hands wrapped round a steaming mug of hot chocolate. It was the day after a full moon, and although he didn't fully change anymore, it still took it out of him physically.
"Why not?" Jack sat forward on his chair; his hand ran absently through his hair sending it all on end.
"Physically she's doing very well; her legs are mended and she'll soon be able to get up, she'll need to strengthen her muscles which have taken a beating too. So I really don't expect much walking for at least a couple of months. But it's not physically that's worrying me."
Jack sighed and sat back; he'd been trying to ignore the signs. Now he couldn't.
"She's depressed. Her nightmares are not helping so I think that for the time being a dreamless sleep potion would help."
"I'll take her home," Jack said immediately. "We're quite close to the hospital where we live. She'll have all the care she needs."
Snape's heart dropped into his shoes, although nothing showed on his face, only his fingers tightening around the chair arms indicated how he was feeling.
"And how would you stop, Rider?" asked Snape coldly.
"I could put up wards like here." Jack didn't look at him. Remus coughed and stepped forward to slump down into the spare chair. His face looked tired and his robes hung loosely on his frame.
"It wouldn't work, she's safer here," Remus said quietly, careful not to look at Snape. He'd seen the man curl his fingers; he'd been expecting the chair arms to break under the pressure.
"What do you suggest then?" asked Jack sharply.
"Her own rooms," Poppy replied. "I could still keep an eye on her, which you could as well Severus, and you too, Jack."
Jack snorted and shifted in his chair slightly, not pleased with the idea of Snape being anywhere near his sister.
"She could work there as well. Nothing too strenuous but enough to take her mind off what has happened," Remus added, still clutching the mug tightly.
Snape nodded, his heart resuming its normal place, his fingers relaxing slightly.
"Well, I don't think she's likely to forget in a hurry," Jack snorted again, for a few seconds he'd thought he could take her away from the place that had given her so much pain. Take her away from the man who was as cold as ice and as dangerous as a pit of snakes.
Someone knocked on the door and then opened it.
"Not too late, am I?" asked Dumbledore as he came in, smiling around at everyone.
"Hello, Albus!" Jack jumped to his feet, giving the older wizard his chair. It still gave the child in Jack a kick calling the headmaster by his first name.
"Thank you, Jack." Dumbledore settled himself down as Jack dragged another chair closer.
Snape watched him, the cold sneer playing on his lips keeping back a snide remark.
"Well, what have we decided?" Dumbledore accepted the cup of tea from Poppy with a smile.
"Megan will move back into her rooms," Snape spoke softly, his voice dangerously low, his narrowed gaze not leaving Jack's face.
"Excellent idea," Dumbledore declared approvingly.
"Any news of Rider?" asked Jack urgently, he ignored Snape's black glare and focussed on Dumbledore.
"I'm afraid not. Although I have been informed by the ministry they have their best men on the job; Bennett and Boyle." Dumbledore sipped his tea, a thoughtful look in his eyes.
"The ministry couldn't find an apple in an orchard," Snape snorted and set his cup back on the desk.
"A little harsh I think," Dumbledore chuckled and helped himself to the tray of cakes that had just appeared on the desk.
"Is Meg aware he hasn't been caught yet?" Remus asked between stifling a yawn and reaching for a cake.
"No."
"Yes."
Snape glared at Jack's no and Jack nearly choked over Snape's yes.
"You've told her?" demanded Jack, getting thoroughly annoyed now.
"I have." Snape folded his arms, his face resuming an impassive look. "Meg can handle the truth."
"So I see; she's out there as we speak, getting lower and lower and you think that by telling her that raving lunatic is still loose and capable of hurting her again, that she'll handle it? What kind of sadistic bastard are you anyway?" Jack was almost spitting in fury now.
For nearly two weeks he's kept his feelings and temper in check for Meg's sake. But this was the final straw in his eyes, the final betrayal of his sister.
"Jack." Dumbledore held up his hand but Jack ignored him.
"Come on! Tell me how you thought it would help, apart from giving you some perverse pleasure the Death Eater in you thrives on."
Snape's face contorted in anger.
Remus struggled to set his mug down and sit up; Poppy gasped, clearly shocked.
Snape stood up and towered over Jack, his lips curled unpleasantly.
"I get no pleasure from seeing Megan hurt," his voice low and as cold as ice.
Dumbledore rose to his feet, concern in his face.
"Severus isn't a Death Eater anymore," Remus added quickly.
Jack stood up, his face inches from Snape's now.
"Funny, I always thought a leopard couldn't change its spots."
Snape brought his fist up and smashed it into Jack's nose.
Jack flew backwards crashing into the wall and slumping down it, blood flowing from his broken nose.
"Now we are even," Snape spat and swept out of the office slamming the door behind him.
"Oh, dear!" Poppy came round the desk to bend over Jack who was groaning.
"I think perhaps I should tell you about Severus and his part in the war," Dumbledore mused.
Snape couldn't remember the last time he'd used physical violence on a person. Well, yes he could; but he preferred not to.
But Jack had pushed one step too far. Threatening to take Meg from him had been the first crack, but accusing him of deliberately hurting her again had been the last straw.
He swept down towards Meg's bed. He'd had enough. It was time to tell her all the things he hadn't.
He'd held back from telling her anything so far; first it had been because she was unconscious for several days. Then it had been because she'd been having such terrible headaches and fits of fatigue that he couldn't bring himself to add any more pressure to her. But now he had to.
If Jack considered him a monster, which he so obviously did, then he'd waste no time in trying to poison Meg against him.
Snape wouldn't have that. He had to convince Meg that while he may be every inch the monster. He would never willingly hurt her. He loved her and he would tell her.
He stepped inside the cubicle and opened his mouth to speak.
Meg was fast asleep, flat on her back, snoring softly.
His face softened as he crossed to stand beside her. He stroked one long bony finger down her cheek.
"Peaceful dreams," he whispered and glided back out careful not to make any noise.
Meg chewed her lip thoughtfully.
"Oh, dear, which particular door did that to you?" she asked, seeing the still swollen but mended nose of her brother Jack.
"A large, black one," he snorted and sat beside her
"With a hooked nose and long greasy hair?" she asked quietly, a sinking feeling in her stomach.
"Yup!" He crossed his legs and scowled at her. "What on earth ever possessed you to hook up with him in the first place sis? He's mean, nasty; bloody hell woman, he was a Death Eater."
"And when did 'is' turn into 'was'?" she asked raising an eyebrow at him. "And is that why he hit you?"
"Albus told me what he did, humph!" He folded his arms and swung his foot impatiently. "Come on sis… he's…. he's…."
"Unique?" she suggested quietly.
"Just as well," he replied smartly.
Meg cracked a tiny smile and sighing, let her head fall back on the pillow.
"So when do I get the lecture on 'my lousy attitude'?" she sighed.
"Now would be good for me, how about you?" he replied and unfolded his arms. "Look, Megan, I just want to know what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" she echoed looking blankly at him.
"Yes, as in 'opposite' to right!" he said slowly.
"There's nothing wrong; I'll just be glad when they get Dean."
Jack swung his leg back and forth, chewing on his bottom lip.
"My offer of Australia still stands y'know!"
She smiled properly at him and shook her head gently.
"We'd kill each other after a month!"
"We're not children any more, Meg. I promise I won't put salt in your coffee or worms down your back."
She laughed and felt tears spring to her eyes wishing she was once more ten and screaming to her mother about something hideous he'd done.
"I'd cramp your style Jack and you know it!"
"Style? What style?" He feigned an affected pose his eyes sad.
"All those woman that line up around the bloke for a glimpse of your smile." She arched her eyebrow at him. "I would love to come with you…."
"But?" he reached forward and gripped her hand
"I'm… I belong…" She stopped, fighting the urge to cry, she wasn't sure where she belonged anymore.
"Here? With that greasy haired cave dwelling rodent?"
"Please, Jack, do you have to be so mean about him?"
"Oh that wasn't mean sis, believe me," he retorted quickly but patted her hand with his.
"Megan, you know I'll stay if you want me to!"
"I do… but I don't." She shrugged apologetically at him.
"I wanted to take you home and look after you till you got on your feet."
"Really?" she looked at him in surprise.
"You really don't know how much I love you. You really think that I would have received that letter and shrugged it off didn't you?"
"I didn't want you to feel… obligated." She shrugged.
"Obligated?" He looked momentarily taken aback till it sank in. "Obligated? You make it sound like you're some stray dog I found on the street. What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much?" he cried angrily, his face showing how upset he was.
"I don't hate you!" she cried out, struggling to sit up more. Pain raced through her chest but she fought against it.
"Then why did you think that I wouldn't care? Why did you think it would be perfectly okay for you to slide away without telling me and just kill yourself?" he jumped to his feet and began to pace.
"I didn't want you to realise, I didn't want you to think that you had to..." She cried frantically trying to make him understand.
"Oh stop it!" He shouted. "Just stop it! You weren't thinking about anyone except yourself Megan, so just shut up with the "obligation" speech." He ran a hand through his hair and stopped at the end of the bed to glare down at her.
"Have you any idea of what I'd have gone through if I'd come hone one day to find a grave stone staring at me; what would it say? "Here lies Megan Kincaid, proud to the end." How dare you do that to me? How dare you treat me like a passing acquaintance?" He leaned over and pinned her with his eyes.
She shook her head tears running down her face now.
"Let me tell you something," he hissed. "You are all I have left in this world, but I really meant what I said in the pub that day; if I didn't love you I'd hate you right now."
"Stop, Jack please," she begged, he was adding more quilt to her already overloaded mind. But a part of her knew he was right; but still she'd had her reasons, she hadn't meant to be selfish, she just truly hadn't thought.
"No, I won't stop, you have to realise what you so nearly did and for what reason? You were wrong but you insisted on fighting it yourself. You were so far of the mark you weren't even on the right planet; you would have killed yourself for no reason other than that you were too damn proud to tell someone; even if it had been that cold snake out there. But no, you couldn't do that could you. Too damn proud, too self involved to think about anyone except yourself!"
"It wasn't pride… please stop." Meg wailed, pressing her hands over her ears in a childish attempt to stop herself from hearing his words.
"Really?" he snorted. "Then what do you call it?"
"I was scared." She replied, her eyes tightly shut. "You didn't see what happened to her, Jack. You didn't see what she became. Whatever you think now, I had no reason to suspect you wouldn't run as fast as you did with her."
"Bloody hell, that was low!" He slammed his fist onto his thigh. "I was young, Megan! I was just eighteen for goodness sake! I didn't know how to handle it; I didn't know how to handle my feelings." He stopped and slapped his hand over his forehead in mock enlightenment. "Oh! I see it now! Were you going to punish me this way? Is that what it was all about? Make me go through hell just because I let you down four years ago?"
"No, it's not… I'm not trying to punish you! I was trying to protect you! I admit I hated you for being able to get away and I hated myself for wanting to get away. But I didn't want to put you through that; I didn't want to accept that I was going that way. I denied it for so long, and then when I almost hurt Neville, I couldn't hide it anymore." Meg bit her lip, there was so much she didn't know, probably would never know. Had he tampered with her ingredients or had she really made that mistake?
She groaned and with difficulty pulled the sheets over her head.
"I'm sorry, okay? Really sorry, if I could turn back time I'd change everything, but I can't. I'm not proud of anything I've done. I messed up, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I should never have come here, never got involved with Severus. None of this would have happened. I didn't want anyone to get hurt," she pleaded, her voice muffled under the sheets. She couldn't deal with the way he was making her feel right now.
The curtain opened and Snape stepped inside, glaring at Jack.
"I put a silencing spell on this cubicle. The entire ward does not want to hear," Snape's voice was icy cold as he glared at Jack. His eyes flicked to where Meg had drawn the sheet down to her nose, her eyes peering over the top anxiously.
Jack narrowed his eyes at Snape, he wanted to flatten him, but instead he contented himself with sitting down in the chair beside Meg and scowling at him.
"Jack, please, I'm tired," she whispered through the sheet, now using the edge to wipe the tears from her eyes.
Jack jumped to his feet still glaring at Snape.
"Fine. I'll go. I'm sorry too, Megan, I never meant to upset you. I'm sorry you didn't trust me enough to tell me sooner. I'm sorry that you thought I didn't want to know. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you with mum. I'm just sorry, okay?" he snapped it out, his face black as thunder.
"Jack." She lowered the sheet and tried to grip his jumper but he moved away from her and walked out of the cubicle, knocking his shoulder against Snape as he pushed past him.
She pulled the sheet over her head again, letting the tears fall.
She heard the curtain rustle again as Snape left as well; his face carefully blank but his eyes dark and stormy.
Severus Snape stood at the window, his arms crossed, hands holding opposite elbows. His back was rigid and his stare fixed on a point somewhere far below.
Every fibre of his body language screamed out "Don't talk to me", but Remus choose to ignore the warning signals and stopped beside him.
"After all that snow it seems strange to see rain again," Remus remarked, resting his hands on the sill.
Snape gave no sign that he'd even heard Remus, his eyes not taking note of the grey rain that fell outside.
"At least it's warmer and more British somehow," he carried on, his voice gentle and low.
Snape blinked and it was the only sign he gave that he was alive.
"Waxworks," Remus muttered quietly before turning his back on the relentless rain that fell from a lead grey sky.
Snape turned slightly, his black hard eyes staring intently at the man beside him, nothing on his face or in his eyes giving away his thoughts or emotions.
"A muggle book I read as a child once… "If you think we're waxworks you ought to pay, y'know!" Remus smiled slightly wistfully at the remembered book he'd loved so much.
"Is there a point to that last comment, Lupin?" came Snape's deep voice.
"You just reminded me, standing so still. The ending of the quote always made me smile: If it was so, it might be; and if it were so; it would be, but as it isn't, it aign't. That's logic!" he quoted softly.
"Quite!" Snape sneered slightly, before the impassive face returned and he turned back to the window.
"But it makes sense in a strange sort of way. She could have died Severus. But she didn't." Remus didn't flinch as Snape rounded on him, his composure slipping.
"I know that," he hissed, his black eyes flashed with anger.
"Then why are you out here with me, when she's in there."
"She doesn't need me," Snape spat, annoyed at Remus for interfering in his thought process.
"She has Jack," Snape muttered the words quietly. "And Longbottom."
"Are you feeling sorry for yourself?" Remus demanded, although he already knew the answer.
"No, I am not," Snape snapped back, a small frown appearing between his eyes.
"So why are you out here?" Remus contemplated the way his robes just brushed the bottom of his boots.
"Why are you here?" Snape turned to face Remus, the frown deepening and settling between his eyes in its usual place.
"Finding out why my friend is brooding in the corridor instead of sitting beside the bed of someone he loves very much."
Snape regarded Remus for several minutes, no emotion on his face whatsoever.
Remus stayed silent, waiting. Snape stayed perfectly controlled.
"I am not brooding," he intoned icily. "I am thinking."
Remus raised his eyebrows and carried on contemplating his boots.
"Same thing sometimes," he mused quietly.
"I would be grateful if you would go away," Snape snapped, his voice taking on some of the desperation that had been his shadow from the moment he'd seen her lying like death on the grass.
"Severus, don't let this pass you by; sort it out," Remus spoke quietly, his eyes on the man beside him.
"There is nothing to pass by. There is nothing to sort out," Snape's voice was cold and flat.
"I don't think so Severus, Megan loves you. She's going to really need you and…"
"I just heard her telling her brother that if she could change things she would. If she could go back and not become involved with me she would. I think that is more than plain!"
"I think she's hurting and more than just physically." Remus shook his head. "She's been through a lot Severus, she thought she was going insane, then she was almost killed. That's a lot for one person to deal with."
"I can't help her."
"Why not?"
"I just can't," he spat at Remus angry at being questioned.
"You mean you won't help her," Remus said firmly. "She's bound to be scared that Dean may try again. You can at least tell her he won't hurt her again!"
"That's what I told her five months ago. I told her I wouldn't let him hurt her and look how well that turned out," Snape's voice was bitter and full of self-recrimination.
Remus saw the problem clearly then, in two sentences Snape had inadvertently told Remus all he needed to know. All he had to do now was give a little prompting and hopefully Snape would talk himself round.
"You weren't to know, Severus."
"I knew something was going on. But I assumed she was overworked and stressed." He shook his head sneering at his own reflection in the window.
"You can't read minds, Severus," Remus said softly.
"I knew what lay between them," he carried, on ignoring Remus' last statement. "I knew he could be a danger. I even heard him threatening her right back at the start of the year and I didn't see it." He shook his head again, his hair catching in his mouth, but he didn't move it.
"I heard him threaten her right before Christmas and still I didn't see it. I just didn't see it." He sagged slightly. "And now he's loose out there somewhere with the potential for hurting her again."
"You can't be responsible for the things Meg chose to hide. She chose to hide things Severus. She was manipulated into believing she was going insane, she actively hid that from you, from all of us. You are not omniscient, no matter what you want the students to think."
"I should still have seen the signs, Remus! I accepted things at face value!" He shook his head self-disgust in his voice. "Her wand wouldn't work and I willingly swallowed the headache theory! Like some innocent fool! Dammit I should have known it was enchanted; I spent two years as a Death Eater and nearly thirty years learning the dark arts and I didn't see it. She could have died and it would have been my fault!"
"But she didn't die. And the only person responsible is Dean Rider," Remus voice was firm. "You saved her Severus; you were there when she needed you."
"Longbottom did."
"You did and I did and Neville played a big part in it, but none of those spells would work on their own." He shook his head sadly.
"It doesn't change the fact that she didn't tell me what was happening to her." He narrowed his gaze on a drop of rain that was running down the window.
"Only she can tell you why she didn't. But you will never know if you don't ask her."
Snape watched the drop of rain pool on the ledge outside and then clamping his lips together in a thin line straightened his shoulders.
It was becoming increasingly obvious to Snape that he would have to sit down with her and talk this whole thing through. One thing was certain, despite his words to Remus, he wasn't prepared to let her go. And if it took him the rest of his life to convince her to talk to him, he'd do just that. He wasn't going to let her go again. He would make her tell him why she hadn't spoken to him.
He would tell her just how much she meant to him, how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. No matter how much it would cost him, she was worth far more.
For probably the first time in his life he would have to swallow his pride and let himself be completely vulnerable and open to her. And just hope it wasn't too late.
Meg lay flat on her back, her eyes open and staring up at the ceiling above her.
Her mind was going over and over what Jack had said to her. She felt so unhappy and so empty inside. She had successfully managed to make a complete mess of everything, including her job.
The curtain opened and Jack came sliding in, a posy of Violets, Snowdrops and Crocuses in his hand.
"Guess we would kill each other within a month," he said softly and shrugging dumped the flowers on the table beside her.
"Oh Jack…" Meg struggled to sit up. He stepped forward and sliding his hands under her arms helped her sit up.
"They are lovely!" She took the flowers from the table and nestled her nose right in the middle of them.
"Sally cast a spell over them to make them last longer, I don't know, something about they aren't cut flowers or whatever!" He slumped onto the seat beside her.
"I'm sorry, Meggie, I never meant to upset you. I guess my tongue ran away with me."
"No, Jack, I'm sorry, in all this stupid tangled mess I never meant to hurt you, honestly. I love you and I don't want you to hate me, you're all I've got. I've been such a stupid fool. Will you forgive me?" she chewed her bottom lip.
"You silly goose!" He reached forward and ruffled her fringe. "I'd never hate you. There's nothing to forgive; in everything I said I forgot one crucial thing. He was screwing with your mind; you weren't supposed to go running to anyone, it would have spoilt his game a bit. You were at his mercy, Meg. You did nothing that needs forgiving. I should never have said those things."
Meg turned her eyes down to the flowers; he was right in one respect. She had been at his mercy; he had screwed with her. She just had no idea what else he'd done, he was probably miles away and he still had a hold over her. He held the knowledge of what had happened during the time she'd lost. He knew what would fill in the blanks of her memory.
She ran a finger over the petals gently and forced herself to smile at him.
"Thank you, Wonderboy." She wondered if he'd remember the game they played as children; he did.
"You're welcome Princess Maggot." He grinned wickedly at her. "We had good times when we were kids, didn't we?"
"Yeah." She laid her head back and stared up at the ceiling, a gentle smile on her lips as she thought of all the games they had played together, and all the fights they'd had.
"I made a decision yesterday. One I should have made a long time ago." He dug into his pocket and drew out a card, which he flicked onto her chest.
She picked it up and raised her head to read it.
Elidon Studios
Jack Kincaid
Photographer
Memories to remember? Capture them in film.
Any occasion, nothing too big or too small.
"You're staying?" her voice squeaked, but she was so hopeful and so shocked she didn't notice.
"I should never have left, at least not for so long. We're family, Meg and we need to stick together."
She looked at him and frowned slightly, the initial excitement wearing off as more guilt settled over her soul.
"You're giving everything up for me?"
"I'm giving nothing up Meg, believe me. You said you were in denial; well I've been in denial for different reasons. I've tried to forestall growing up and I've lost out in the process. I should have stayed with you after Dad died. You needed me, I needed you. I've spent four years at playing a wastrel!"
"Are you kidding? I've seen the photo shoots you've done in the Wild and Untamed Things magazine," she gasped. "You are the best in your field. No one ever came as close to photographing some of the most dangerous creatures going as you have! That magazine won't let you go!"
"Meg, I'm going to split my time between this…" he indicated the card. "and trying to get the first picture of the Nessian Eel." He grinned slyly.
"Well, if anyone can get a picture of the Hybrid Eel in Loch Ness it's you I suppose… but what about all the travelling you did. Won't you miss that?"
"The reason I travelled is quite simple, Meg." He scratched his chin and a dark red stained his cheeks slightly. "I never had anything to stay still for; I forgot you in the process. The grass was always greener somewhere else, because I was never content with what I had. I never learnt to appreciate what I could have here with you. I gave up my family for a dream. I'm not doing that again, besides… " He stopped his cheeks flushing again.
Meg digested his words, her eyes widening.
"Who is she?" she demanded.
"Why does there have to be a she?" he huffed slightly embarrassed; he watched her pale and then blink several times.
"Okaaaaaay… I'm fairly open. I think! Who is he?"
"Megan Kincaid!" He shot straight up in his seat. "I have not started batting for the other team!"
"Then who is she?"
"Erm… why can't it just be you I'm staying for?"
"Because although I know you love me and you would be prepared to stay here for me. I don't think I put a blush on your cheeks." She smiled as he automatically shrugged and found his hands fascinating.
"It's nothing great yet, but it has promise."
"Oh, come on. Are you gonna kill me with the suspense?" she teased him; the thought of her brother actually getting serious over a girl was enough to drag her mind away from her present situation.
"Hillary Hooch," he mumbled into his shirt.
"Hill…. Jack!" Meg's mouth dropped open. "She's got to be at least ten years your senior!" Even as she said it she realised it was a silly thing to say and he wasted no time in pointing that out to her.
"Nine actually, she's forty-one. But since when has that ever made a difference Megan? That was a dumb thing to say, age has nothing to do with it. If we really want to talk age, Snape has a few clocked up on you!"
"Okay, okay, put it down to the potions Poppy keeps pouring down my throat!" She held up her hand.
"She's a great woman…" he said it simply and Meg smiled down at the flowers. "And she's hell on a broomstick! Have you seen that woman fly? WOW! Besides she makes me laugh." He blew his breath out, his fringe blowing up slightly
"Don't think I could ever accuse Severus of that." She grinned at him, he was clearly entranced.
"Meg, what do you see in him?" he asked her quietly, genuinely worried now.
"He's unique. He has a side to him that completely belies what he shows everyone else. I know he's done some things that must be pretty horrific, but then people make mistakes. He's paid for his mistakes. Still is I think," she spoke quietly, staring down at the posy. "He's loyal, intelligent, brave, kind and gentle…"
"Forgive me for snorting in disbelief," Jack added quickly.
"He is Jack; to me anyway, I know he doesn't look it. He can be scary but I have to say he doesn't scare me. He did, before I realised it was all an act. When I first met him I couldn't stand him. He treated his students so badly; still does and I still hate it. But he has his reasons… and as Dean pointed out to me once; his classes has the highest pass percent every year."
"It's not an act, Megan!" He rubbed a finger down his nose. "I have first hand knowledge of that."
"You must have pushed him, what did you say?"
"Well… nothing he hasn't heard before," he hedged, avoiding her eyes.
"What did you say to him?"
"I was annoyed he'd told you that Rider hadn't been caught. I may have hinted, slightly, about his previous… erm… well, that he was a Death Eater."
"Oh Jack!" she sighed, twirling the posy in her fingers. "It makes no difference to me, honestly!"
"Why not, Meg? It's pretty serious stuff. They weren't the fluffy bunny brigade!"
"I know that!" she snapped. "I don't know why he joined Voldemort, he must have had his reasons; but he didn't stay bad, didn't stay evil. Albus, told you what he did?"
"Most of it…" he allowed. "But even so, doesn't it frighten you that he has that in him, that he has the ability to cause others pain and suffering."
"Everyone has that, Jack. Severus isn't the sole share holder on those feelings. If Dean were to walk in here now, would you shake his hand?"
"Of course not, I'd beat the bloody living daylights out of him!" He shook his head "But that's different, Rider hurt you, Snape hurt people he didn't even know; people who had never done him or his family wrong."
"Maybe, maybe not; I don't know what he did as a Death Eater and frankly I don't ever need to know. All I know is that he changed. He even went someway to atoning for those sins when he put his own life at risk to bring Voldemort down. Everyone deserves a second chance."
"Humph! He'd just better watch his back if he even so much as lays a accidental bruise on you!"
"Relax, oh protective brother of mine and tell me how you're gonna plot the downfall of Hillary Hooch. Bearing in mind, she's my friend and I don't want you to hurt her."
"Subtly," he smirked.
"What you? You're as subtle as a bull in a china shop!"
"I can be subtle if I choose," he huffed, mock offended. "Besides, I don't want to talk about it with you, that's kind of wrong on lots of levels. Wanna play a game of cards? Poker? Need any excess money removing?"
"As if Kincaid! Are you able to get to your volt easily enough?" she snorted, her spirits lifted slightly, he was familiar and easy-going. He was Jack and she loved him.
"Sister, sister! How many times do I have to strip the shirt from your back to make you realise you just cannot beat a master!" He drew a pack of cards from his jeans pocket and began to deal after shuffling them.
"A master cheater, y'mean!" Hhe picked up her cards and fanned them out.
"How much you got then, maggot?"
"Have a look in the drawer." She nodded at the cabinet beside them.
He opened the drawer and searched through before sighing, suddenly serious.
"Meg, have you ever been short of money?"
"No, I've had enough, so stop stalling!" She had a good hand and was itching to get him back for all the times he'd beaten her.
"Hum!" He drew out a bag. "It'll have to be for these, you've got nothing in there!" He tipped out the bag of raisins and laughed at her face; his mission had been accomplished, get her mind off things and make her relax.
"I can't loose them!" she wailed.
"S'alright! I'm feeling generous, anything you loose I'll eat for you!"
"Pig!" she cried.
"Maggot!"
"Rodent teeth!"
"Madam Stuff!"
"Oh! Long haired lout!" she floundered for insults.
"That doesn't work any more! Snape's hair?" he tutted at her and leant over to kiss her cheek suddenly.
"I am so glad you were wrong," he muttered into her hair.
"So am I," she whispered. "And I'm glad you're staying. I missed you."
Meg moved back to her rooms the following day.
She was glad to be back in peace, glad that Poppy couldn't pop in every few minutes. She hadn't seen anyone since Jack and Poppy had brought her down here in the morning. Classes were on and she knew Remus and Snape were both teaching.
She was supposed to be working on Remus' potion, trying to help Snape find a way of easing the physically draining aspect of the present potion. But her mind wouldn't work. And later on in the afternoon she still had got no further than placing the parchment and quill in front of her. Her door opened after a brief knock and Snape came in.
"Have you managed to list the possible alternatives yet for the…." He stopped as he saw the blank parchment.
"Erm…" she blinked and looked up at him. "Sorry, miles away." She gave him a watery smile.
"Megan, we need to talk, when are you expecting your brother?"
Meg looked at his suddenly serious face and shrugged.
"I don't know. He just turns up when he's ready. He was going into Hogsmede to do some photography… so…" she trailed off under his stern gaze.
He frowned and half turning used his wand to lock the door.
He took the chair from the other side of the desk and drew it towards her.
"Severus?"
He turned it to face outwards and straddled it. He reached into his pocket and drew something out.
"This is for you." He held out a small box. "I was going to give it to you on Valentine's day; but you were still unconscious." He shifted uncomfortably. "It was meant for your birthday."
Meg took the box and opened it; a smile tilted her lips as she saw the tiny gold badger charm nestled on the silk cloth.
"It's beautiful. Thank you!" She handed the box back and held out her wrist with the bracelet.
He took the badger out and carefully clipped it on to the bracelet next to the snake.
"I'm glad you like it." He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed the back of her hand before turning it palm up and kissing her palm gently; his eyes never leaving hers.
He heard her intake of breath and keeping firm hold of her hand, laid it on the back of the chair, covering it with his.
"Megan, I've lain awake for the last two nights trying to work out what to say to you."
Meg bit her lip and tried to draw her hand away, but he wouldn't let it go.
"Do you hate me?" Meg whispered the words so quietly, he almost missed them.
"I could never hate you."
"But I made such a mess of things," she whispered keeping her eyes on their clasped hands.
"Yes, you did," he replied "But you aren't the first and you won't be the last Megan, it seems to me that getting things wrong is inherent with humanity. I, of all, people know that."
"But…" she stopped and bit her lip.
"But what? I want to know what you are thinking Megan; I want to know what you're feeling. Please tell me."
She looked up at him and reached out her other hand to trace his jaw line with her fingers.
"Why didn't you say anything to me?"
"When?"
"When I woke up? All the times you sat with me…"
He sighed and caught her hand in his free one. He clasped both her hands in his and held them tightly.
"I wanted you to get better without having any further pressure on you."
"What pressure?"
"Megan…" he stopped and letting go of her hands caught her face gently.
"I love you," he spoke the words so quietly, Meg was certain she'd misheard.
"Huh?" It sounded dumb even to her and she saw the slight wince that passed his face.
"I love you, Megan, I have done for awhile."
"Love me?" she echoed, her face looking slightly spaced out.
"With all of what little heart still remains in me," he replied and leaning forward kissed her lips softly.
"But… I… you can't love me!" She pulled back from him, it just wasn't sinking in.
"Why not?" he asked his face was completely unguarded.
"You told me you couldn't love…" That sounded wrong and she knew it.
"I love you, Megan, believe it, I knew it a long time ago, but I didn't admit it. But when I realised you'd gone to find Dean and then when I saw the window open in the tower room, I knew I loved you more than anything. Knew that if you died I would die with you. I would die for you."
Tears slid down Meg's face as his words sank in. He was so completely open, his eyes showing her the truth, his face soft, no sneer or passiveness present.
"You love me that much?" she whispered.
"More."
Meg sank forwards, her arms going around his neck.
"I love you too," she wailed beginning to sob into his frock coat collar.
He slid his hands into her hair, careful not to press her against the chair back.
"I thought you hated me for being such an idiot," she sobbed into his neck.
"I will never, never hate you. But I still don't understand why you couldn't tell me what was happening to you."
Meg sighed and still clinging to him wiped her runny nose on the back of her hand.
"Megan, please, I may love you, but please, use my handkerchief not your hand," he shuddered and moved slightly to offer her his handkerchief.
"Thank you." She hic-cupped and sitting back blew her nose.
She dabbed at her red nose and sighed, so many emotions tangled together.
"I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I was scared."
"Of me?" he asked his voice slightly strangled.
"No! Oh no!" She shook her head and winced as the sudden movement sent a wave of pain through her face. He shook his head slowly, she was in pain.
"It's enough to know you love me still. Rest, we can talk later." He sat back from her.
"No… I want to tell you now." She twisted the soggy handkerchief in her fingers.
He nodded and standing he moved to stoop over her. He slid one hand under her thighs and the other hand under her shoulders.
He picked her up and raised his eyebrows as he walked into her bedroom.
"You've lost weight. That won't do!" he muttered as he settled them both onto the bed, infinitely careful not to hurt her.
He wrapped her into his arms and resting his head on top of hers kissed her gently.
"Now tell me," he said softly.
"I didn't think you cuddled," Meg muttered, her hands resting on his arms.
"Only you," he smirked into her hair.
"You don't think I trust you do you?" she spoke the words carefully.
He remained silent for awhile and then when he made no move to answer she continued. His silence the only answer she needed.
"I do, y'know. But it wasn't a matter of trust, Severus. Jack said I was selfish and I suppose in a way he was right. I didn't want anyone to see me in the state I thought I'd end up in. My mum…" She stopped and felt his hand begin to stroke her hair soothingly. She drew in a breath, his touch easing her into him gently.
"Not even Jack saw her at her worst. It was… horrible. She was just a shell of the woman she once was. She completely lost herself. She was unable to look after herself in any way. She very often didn't know who we were. I would have to go in and dress her for the day and each day she'd yell obscenities at me, pull my hair when I tried to do up her shoelaces. It was hard. And I hated the way it made me feel. Hated the way Jack had gone and left us there, hated the fact that I wanted to get away. And I hated myself for feeling that way. Hated myself for the way I felt about her. I didn't want you or Jack to see me like that, didn't want to let myself get to that stage. But if I'm honest for a long time I was denying anything was wrong. If I told you what was happening it would have made it real. I would have had to face it. I was certain you'd go and see Albus and then I'd be carted off to St, Mungo's."
"I wouldn't have let you go anywhere."
"You would have had no choice." She stroked his arm gently.
"Rider was clever. I suppose he knew how your mother died."
"I don't know…" she faded out, unwilling to think about it any longer. "Severus?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry."
"So am I."
"You don't have to be sorry," she said slowly.
"Yes, I do. I promised you I wouldn't let him hurt you. I failed in that. I should have seen what he was doing."
"But I didn't tell you what was happening."
"I've used Obliviate. I've manipulated people before. I should have seen the signs."
"There were no signs."
"There was," he disagreed softly. "You were backing away from me, closing up, not sleeping. And I put it down to over work."
"He was clever."
"I underestimated him. The number of things that should have pointed it out to me… your use of stupify and his comments to me."
"He will be caught won't he?" she asked suddenly shivering in his arms.
"I won't let anything happen to you again, Megan."
"You can't promise me that Severus, it's not fair on you."
"Pardon?" he was frowning into her hair.
"It's like promising me the moon. It's not yours to give. You can't protect me twenty four hours a day. It's not possible. It's enough to know you mean it and I thank you for that."
"Megan." He took a deep breath and buried his face in her hair, his mouth close to her ear. "I would follow you to hell and back to keep you safe."
She turned her head, her lips searching for his blindly.
His arms tighten around her as their mouth met in a fusion of love and gentle passion.
"I love you so very much," she muttered into his mouth. "make love to me please?"
"I love you but I won't make love to you, Megan. You're not physically ready; I would do far more damage than good."
"But I love you…"
"There will be time enough in the future for that."
"You don't mind waiting…"
He looked down at her and frowned.
"You still don't understand do you? I love you Megan, you, your mind, your soul, your body. All of you. If I have to wait for ten years I will. If I can never touch you again it will make no difference. Just being able to be with you is enough."
More tears slid down her face at his words.
"I was wrong, y'know.." She smiled through her tears. "I told you once you couldn't talk unless you were saying something nasty or talking about potions… I was very wrong."
She reached up again and brought his face down to hers.
A big part of her soul healed.
A/N: The reason I'm not posting in one long chapter is because of the type of internet connection I have. I didn't want to loose half of it in the telephone lines somewhere!
Hope you enjoyed it okay and I haven't been too long-winded as usual. ;-)
Dean is caught by the way I haven't forgotten him. It's just Meg had to deal with Jack and Severus first although, having said that, she's still gonna have problems!
There'll be one last chapter and then most definitely an epilogue! I love epilogues!
Anyway thank you very much for reading and staying with me… and thank you for your lovely reviews! It means a lot to me!