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The time, the days fell away like leaves. As my pregnancy progressed I left my studio work and eventually moved back in with Shun. Not into his bed, nor his room, but I realized I wanted to have someone around. I felt a need then, for both myself and my son, to have help on hand should anything, any complication or uncertainty arise. I didn't give up the apartment, I didn't intend for this living scenario being permanent. If I was honest, as I was trying to be now and then, the evidence of Her was too overpowering. The measures of care, the even the damned nursery motif in gender-neutral colours, it all whispered remembrance of her presence. When I thought of a life that might have been, a home in which she stayed... it was just too hard. Just too much.
The postcards came, for Kuriko, not for me. They documented locations accessed by planes. Planes that were not so accessible to pregnant women. Beautiful cities, some of which I had performed in, and whose monuments I could recall. She wrote of these in a language for Kuri, the language of awe. She described a world of splendor, but frustratingly dropped out the details of herself. I did watch the races as they were televised, and sometimes Shun joined me. He was more at ease given my proximity. In moving back in to the estate I'd explained as clearly as I could that I couldn't stay with him long-term, not honestly. It wasn't easy.
"If... when you need to see other people, perhaps," I swallowed, "Perhaps if we are open about that with each other for now..."
"I'm not looking," he said.
Kuri-chan was safely asleep in bed and Shun's "happy face" seemed to have been equally tucked away. He didn't like to fight in front of her.
"I hope you will... soon. But I hope you'll keep me involved. I couldn't bear it if I couldn't see Kuriko-chan."
"But you can bear it without me."
"Shun-"
"Forget what I said. I won't. I won't keep her from you."
In the large lounge, in the home we had once shared so easily, night crept around us and I shivered.
"You're such a good man..."
"Maybe that's the problem... not bad enough, eh?" he smiled weakly.
"I think it may be more in the "man" problem actually." I shook my head. "If I could choose, if I could make a sensible decision, you'd be it. Over and over, you'd be it. But... it doesn't work like that. I can't choose the way I feel. And I can't be the wife you deserve."
"You're more than I deserve..."
"No, no, I'm not." I sighed. "There are women, many women I'm sure, who would be head-over-heels-"
"Don't say things you don't believe."
"But I do...!"
"You're trying to extricate yourself and-"
"Shun, I'm not," my voice broke then, "You are an amazing father, a provider, a sweet and... and my best, dearest friend."
I paused to regain composure, "I am terrified of losing you, utterly terrified that you will forget all ties and begin a new family and I will have lost… the best friend I have known."
We had talked for a while longer. He'd even asked some tentative questions about Haruka. We'd attempted a few jokes on our mutual prospects with women. He was heart-broken, it was clear. I would need to leave him some space, to risk the loss of his company and let him heal. But in that murky time, that uncertain period before the due date, we lived in a kind of settled happiness.
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Neck in neck. That's what the papers said. It'd be a close final race. Hah, who were they kidding. Back on the track and our team creamed. Sure, thanks to my colossal wipe out, we were down on the points, but the succession of wins, the total track domination was uncontestable. The only thing stopping us was us, and we sure as hell didn't plan on any stopping. Our training had been relentless. The guys had sharpened up under Takiko's command. She wouldn't take any crap as a woman in charge, and frequently reminded them of the "woman behind the wheel".
"One cock-up and you've put a lady in hospital, that what you want?"
I wasn't fond of "lady" as a term, however it seemed to work. When we hung out nowadays it was at the gym, not the bar. They'd agreed not to drink on nights before training and race days. It had been on the proviso that I did not, under any circumstances, get strung out on women. At least until we had a trophy. Fine. Deal. Like I had anything left to get "strung out" with.
These days the crew didn't miss a beat in a pitt stop. In and out, smooth sailing. Points would be close, yeah, but they were nothing. We moved like the wind.
On one day though, a Monday night, I didn't join them. Not at the gym, or the bar, or anywhere with anyone. I had felt it during the race, a jolt, a flush over my thoughts. For a moment I was afraid of blacking out again, heading off the track. But it wasn't the same. I felt it, this feeling like golden light washing over me and I laughed inside my helmet. It made my crew nervous. We took the flag as usual, no trouble.
But I waited alone after the stadium had emptied. I walked up to the top tier of the bleachers and watched the sunset. I felt the dying rays on my face and smiled and smiled.
Her daughter.
Her daughter was arriving.
I guess I would have appeared small in the seating designed for thousands. A speck on the landscape. But as I watched the sun slip away, I felt a joy so massively expansive that I must have been big enough. In that brief possession of an overwhelming happiness, I felt I must have swallowed that sun myself.
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The image I will hold most strongly of that Tuesday, was the view of maple leaves through the window. They were brilliant, volcanic red, coating the branches and ground below. It was too early and they were not yet swept away. So red! Each shaped with the outline of a ruptured comet. The sky was smoky in the morning. The gardens surrounding the private clinic kept the noise of traffic and industry as far as far could be. And I, alone as I had not been for the preceding twelve hours, was drifting on a sea of wonder. It's common, apparently, the endorphin flood afterwards. Maybe chemistry. Maybe.
I looked out from my window and saw the thousand fallen stars of fire and felt a bliss I could never have expected.
Oh, and there had been blood. Blood and pain and pain and pain. Rushing agony in rising waves. The universe inside of me had turned in on itself. The structures were warping and gaping and disintegrating. And fear, confusion. A sense of being totally unprepared, ever unready for such a thing. The deep pain, the filling pain of women from ages past, present, future. The great pain of ancestry, I bore it for a time. Or it bore me. And gasping, hissing breath. Ask any woman, I'm sure you'll find sounds of pleasure during conception are far eclipsed by the mortal cries during labor!
And there had been love. An endless flooding supply. My mother and mother-in-law forgot their convention and were present and certain and more than I could have asked for. The looks of pride and happiness. I had been brought into an experience of greatness, passing certainly the fieriest of trials. Shun had been there, his damp hand in mine, his eyes filled with joy and dread. His memories of the only other birth of his witnessing rocked him. I understood this, though he never mentioned it.
"You're amazing." He'd said. "You're doing so, so well."
"Just stay with me." Said his eyes. "Please, just please don't let go..."
I hadn't. Early that morning, and earlier than expected, my daughter was born. Oh, she was perfect. A little miracle. I held her to me and greeted her in the new greater world we would share, the universe outside of me. And she was perfect.
Given her premature birth, she was kept incubated. It had troubled Shun. It had me a little worried too, I wasn't sure how to be apart yet. The great machinery looked vicious so close by her soft skin. But our mothers, our nurses and physicians explained away doubt, encouraged our rest, promised it was best for all. Who was I to question? Shun had left to sleep at home. He would come back later with Kuri-chan. I was promised some hours of peace.
There was a timid knock at the door. A nurse entered behind a large bouquet of fire red lilies.
"Mrs. Kaioh? Oh good, you're still awake."
I nodded. My throat still felt rough.
"These have been looking for a home for quite a while, a bit of a mystery around reception."
"Oh?" I whispered. "They're lovely."
"Yes, the strangest thing." She spoke, setting aside the flowers, now in a vase. "We couldn't find you because they arrived before you did. We didn't have a patient Kaioh checked in!"
"How funny..." I said.
"We'd thought perhaps a friend anticipating your due date? But then, it turns out you're here ahead of schedule...?"
I took the card, smiled and said, "Perhaps... female intuition."
"It's what we rely on around here." The nurse shrugged happily.
"I'm sorry to miss your arrival but I hope to meet you when I can. One day, maybe more than once, I hope to celebrate the anniversary of this day with you. Be good to your parents and kind to your sister, with your mother's good looks, I'm sure you'll have everyone wrapped around your little finger! Enjoy that too. Welcome to the world, Little Miss Abe-Kaioh. I believe you'll find it is a magnificent place."
It was Haruka's script. A style I had committed to memory. I had lost her bet, had disbelieved until it was undeniable that my baby was indeed a little girl. I folded the card, held it to my chest and grinned the grin of the victorious. The red trees through the window looked in at the flaming flowers at my bedside. Oh yes, I thought, a magnificent place indeed.
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I opened the hotel door to Taki's look of concern.
"Didn't catch you down at the gym last night?"
"S'okay. I just needed space." I said.
"Gathered as much, care to explain?"
We walked out to the balcony, watched the morning sun.
"Her baby." I broke into a grin again. "Her little girl was born."
"Oh? Great, so you're in contact again."
"Ah, no, can't do that."
"Eh?"
"It was… a feeling. But I know it's true."
"Geez Tenoh, you're seriously starting to femme it up…"
"Forget about it."
"No, no, look I'm sorry." She rested a hand on mine. "You wanted to be there, huh?"
"Nah, not possible. Plus I promised the guys…"
"Don't lie to me, Tenoh, bigger obstacles have been nothing to you."
Something caught in my throat, I felt my eyes sting. The sun was so bright.
"I can't be around her."
"Since when?"
"She wants… look that hospital will be filled with her family, Abe, the mothers…"
"Whoa, don't tell me Mrs. Kaioh's got two mommies…!"
"Funny. Her mother and mother-in-law. They were at the apartment every couple of days, they get all that maternal stuff. Plus Abe, you know, the guy's been through it before and…"
"And… her?" Takiko looked at me suspiciously. "What do you mean you can't be around her?"
"Ah Michiru…" I said the name, one I hadn't voiced for so long and my vision blurred. "She wants… she needs a friend. Not me." I swallowed. "I just can't be what I'm not. Hasn't worked out so far. I hope, I really hope that this'll all wear off, y'know? I need this to wear off, then I can see her and…"
"You love her."
I couldn't say it. I closed my eyes and nodded my head. The day was still.
I felt Taki move closer. She wrapped her arms around my back and pushed my face into her shoulder and held me there. She held me like a child and I shuddered and I wept. It tore me to pieces. I thought of them constantly. Kuri-chan, the baby, Michiru… always Michiru, they were present in my thoughts like an endless song in the background. I missed and missed her. I didn't know how to handle myself when everything stopped moving. In the mornings, the evenings and quiet spaces of the day, thoughts of her were so vivid. Even when we were in the thick of photo shoots, presentations, pre and post-race interviews, I might see a head in the crowd, I might hear a sound like her laugh and I would falter, time would crash down around me, then I'd see it wasn't, could possibly be her and the longing would resurface.
"Have you told her?" Takiko asked finally.
"Huh?" I rubbed my face, feeling embarrassed, "No, she's not interested."
"Dammit Tenoh!" She hit me on the arm. "You're your own worst enemy!"
"Oi! C'mon, where's the love?"
"You've had enough. Why don't you say something! Geez! If it were me I'd want to know."
"That's the thing, darling, it's not you."
"Don't darling me." She watched me for a moment. "Is this about Ren?"
"No. It's not about Ren." I folded my arms.
"'Cause, y'know she did try and call Ms. Kaioh-"
"Spare me the details."
"Though it seems she was on as much of a celibacy kick as you are."
"Taki, please, I'm trying to forget her."
"Haruka, I'm telling you. It's. Not. Working."
"It's working just fine. We're cleaning up on the track."
"You do nothing but train."
"It's my job."
"You're miserable."
"It happens."
"We've all noticed it."
"So what?"
She gave an exasperated sigh. "So go see her, tell her! Man up, y'know!"
"She doesn't... feel the same." I said.
"You're sure?"
"Uh huh," I nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure."
"Well…I'm sorry about that."
Quiet stretched between us.
"Wanna talk shop?" said Taki.
"Mm. That'd be better."
"Looking forward to the final being at Suzuka?"
"What?"
"Didn't you hear? Track over in Brazil suffered some damage in the quake, they had to transfer. Since you're flying up so quickly in the leader board I think they considered Japan a rocking zone for the final!"
"Oh come on…" I dropped my face into my hands
"Home advantage!"