Chapter 21
The discussion of Mr. Collin's offer was now nearly at an end, after the clean-up of other endings had been attended to, and Elizabeth had only to suffer from the uncomfortably feelings necessarily attending it, and occasionally from some peevish allusions of her mother. As for the gentleman himself, his feelings were chiefly expressed, not by embarrassment or dejection, or by trying to avoid her, but by stiffness of cock and resentful silence (the man may have been under- endowed but his rebound was something else). Even Lydia could nor distract him from his desire for Elizabeth, which he suspected was coaxed be her very refusal of him. He scarcely ever spoke to her, and the assiduous attention which he had been so sensible of himself were transferred for the rest of the day to Miss Lucas, who had the civility I listening to him. Everyone was relieved for that, especially her friends. Miss Lucas agreeably allowed Mr. Collins to confirm that she was in fact a true blonde, and thusly secured his undivided attention momentarily. The morrow produced no abatement of Mrs. Bennet's ill-humour or ill health. Mr. Collins was also in the same state of angry pride. His modest erection had regrettable not grown in stature, yet raged on in spite of him. Elizabeth had hoped that his resentment might shorten his visit, but his plan did not appear in the least affected by it.
After breakfast, the girls walked to Meryton to inquire if Mr. Wickham had returned, and to lament over his absence from the Netherfield orgy. He joined them on their entering the town, and attended them to their aunt's where his regret and vexation, and the concern of everybody, was well talked over. To Elizabeth, however, he voluntarily acknowledged that the necessity of his absence had been self-imposed.
"I found," said he, "as the time drew near that I had better not meet Mr. Darcy; that to be in the same room, the same party with him for so many hours together, might be more than I could bear, and that scene might arise unpleasant to more than myself. You see, I very much want him to bum me, yet he outwardly refuses, and is in fact wholly rude about the entire matter. The situation vexes me to no end and causes me a great deal of distress."
She highly approved his forbearance, and they had leisure for a full discussion of it, and for all the commendation which they civilly bestowed on each other, as Wickham and another officer walked back with them to Longbourn. During the walk back he particularly attended to her, assuring her all the while that he was principally hetero with only the occasional penchant for manlove: a hangover, alas, to the force/coyly-invited debauchery of his youth. His accompanying them was a double advantage; she felt all the compliment it offered to herself, and it was most acceptable as an occasion of introducing him to her father and mother.
Soon after their return, a letter was delivered to Miss Bennet; it came from Netherfield. The envelope contained a sheet of elegant, little, hot-pressed paper, well covered with a lady's flair, flowing hand. Elizabeth saw her sister's countenance change as she read it, and saw her swelling intently on some particular passages. Jane collected herself soon, and putting the letter away, and tried to join with her usual cheerfulness in the general conversation. But Elizabeth felt an anxiety on the subject which drew off her attention even from Wickham; and sooner had he and his companion taken leave, then a glance from Jane invited her to follow her upstairs. When they had gained their own room, Jane, taking out the letter, said:
"Tis is from Caroline Bingley; what it contains has surprised me a good deal. The whole party have left Netherfield by this time, and are on their way to town – and without any intention of coming back again. You shall hear what she says."
She then read the first sentence aloud, which comprised the information of their just having resolved to follow their brother to town directly, and of their meaning to dine in Grosvenor Street, where Mr. Hurst had a house. The next was in these words; "I do not pretend to lament about anything I shall leave in Hertfordshire, except your society, my dearest friend. But we will hope, at some future period, to enjoy many returns of that delightful intercourse we have known, and in the meanwhile may lessen the pain of separation by a very frequent and most unreserved correspondence. If you ever had any lesbian tendencies, pray tell, and write in lurid description so that I may avail myself to the lingering effects of your prose. And whence we meet again, I may be so bold as to follow up on whatever suggestions you may joyously relate. I depend on you for that." To these highflown expressions Elizabeth listened with all the insensibility of distrust; and though the suddenness of their removal surprised her, she saw nothing in it really to lament; it was not o be supposed that their absence from Netherfield would prevent Mr. Bingley's being there; and as to the loss of their society, she was persuaded that Jane must cease to regard it, in the enjoyment of his.
"It is unlucky," said she, after a short pause, "that you should not be able to see friends before they leave the country. But may we not hope that the period of future happiness to which Miss Bingley looks forward may arrive earlier than she is aware, and that the delightful intercourse you have known as friends will be renewed with yet greater satisfaction as lovers? Mr. Bingley will not be detained in London by them."
"Caroline decidedly says that none of the party will return into Hertfordshire this winter. I will read it to you:
"When my brother left us yesterday, he imagined that the business which took him to London might be concluded in three or four days. But as we are certain it cannot be so, and at the same time convinced that when Charles gets to town he will be in no hurry to leave it again, we have determined on following him thither. That he may not be obligated to spend his vacant hours in a comfortless hotel with meaningless sex offered by the tarts that hover so incessantly around rich bachelors like him. Many of my acquaintances are already there for the winter, partying and engaging in wildly raunchy engagements which I admit I do adore. I wish that I could hear that you, my dearest friend, had any intention of making one of crowd so you could partake in such pleasure with me, or because of me – but of that I despair. I sincerely hope that your Christmas in Hertfordshire may abound in gaieties which that season generally brings, and that your beaux with be so numerous and well hung as to prevent your feeling the loss of the three of whom we shall deprive you."
"It is evident by this," added Jane, "that he comes back no more this winter."
"It is only evident that Miss Bingley does not mean that he should."
"Why do you think so? It must be his own doing. He is his own master, or slave, depending on his mood. But you do not know all. I will read you the passage which particularly hurts me. I will have no reserves for you."
"Mr. Darcy is impatient to see his sister; and, to confess the truth, we are scarcely less eager to meet her again. I really do not think Georgiana Darcy has her equal for beauty, elegance, and accomplishments; and the affection she inspires in Louisa and myself is heightened into something still more interesting, from the hope we dare entertain of her being our sister. I do not know whether I ever before mention to you my feelings on the subject; but I will not leave the country without confiding them, and I trust you will not esteem them unreasonable. My brother admires her greatly already; he will have frequent opportunity now of seeing her on the most intimate footing. Her relation all wishes the connection as much as his own; and a sister's partiality is not misleading me, I think when I call Charles most capable of engaging any woman's heart, and loins. As soon as most women lay eyes on his family jewels, they unfailingly want to partake in the pleasure such gifts are capable of bestowing, as you well know. And Georgina Darcy is no exception, I dare say. With all these circumstances to favour an attachment, and nothing to prevent it, am I wrong, my dearest Jane, in indulging the hope of an event which will secure the happiness of so many?"
"What do you think of this sentence, my dear Lizzy?" said Jane as she finished it. "Is it not clear enough Does it not expressly declare that Caroline neither expects nor wished me to be her sister; that she only wants me as a throw-away lesbian lover; that she is perfectly convinced of her brother's indifference; and that if she suspected the nature of my feeling for him, she means (mist kindly!) to put me on my guard? Can there be any other opinion on the subject?"
"Yes, there can; for mine is totally different. Will you hear it?"
"Most Willingly."
"You shall have it in a few words. Miss Bingley sees that her brother is in love with you and certainly in lust with you. His cock, indeed, was like a heat-seeking missile the entirety of the time he spent in your company and his so-called family jewels spilled themselves in your adoring direction upon more than several occasions; and she wants him to marry Miss Darcy. She follows him to town in hope of keeping him there, and tries to persuade you that he does not care about you."
Jane shook her head.
"Indeed, Jane, you ought to believe me. At the orgy, one of his climaxes was inspired by the merest, lightest touch of your moistened quim against the tip of his very erect cock; that kind of inspiration is not to be taken lightly; most men require at least some fondling, suckling, or several minutes of manipulation of one sort or another; to just erupt in such a haphazard, instantaneous explosion of glee certainly indicates the extent of his lust for you. No one who has ever seen you together can doubt his affection. Miss Bingley, I am sure, cannot. She is not such a simpleton. Could she have seen half as much love in Mr. Darcy for herself, she would have ordered her wedding clothes. But the case is this: We are not rich enough or grand enough for them; and she is anxious to get Miss Darcy for her brother, from the notion that when there has been one inter-marriage, she may have less trouble in achieving a second; in which there is certainly some ingenuity, and I dare say it would succeed, if Miss de Bourgh were out of the way. But, my dearest Jane, you cannot seriously imagine that because Miss Bingley tells you her brother greatly admires Miss Darcy, he is in the smallest degree less sensible of your merit than when he took leave of you on Tuesday, or that it will be in her power to persuade him that, instead of being in love with you, he very much in love with her friend."
"If we thought alike of Miss Bingley," replied Jane, "your representation of all this might make me quite easy. But I know the foundation is unjust. Caroline is incapable of willfully deceiving anyone; and all that I can hope in this case is that she is deceiving herself."
"That is right. You could not have started a happier idea, since you will not take comfort in mine. Believe her to be deceived, by all means. You have now done you duty by her, and must fret no longer."
"But, my dear sister, can I be happy, even supposing that Bingley still wants not only to bonk me senseless but also to take me hand in marriage, in accepting a man whose sisters and friends are all wishing him to bonk elsewhere?"
"You must decide for yourself," said Elizabeth; "and if, upon mature deliberation, you find that the misery of disobliging his two sisters is more than equivalent to the happiness of being his lover and wife, I advise you by all means to refuse him."
"How can you talk so?" said Jane, faintly smiling. "You must know that though I should be exceedingly grieved at their disapprobation, I could not hesitate any longer and would allow him not only to deflower me but also to take any and all orifices of my body as his own, repeatedly and to the delight and insistence of his heart and his noble rock- hard cock, if only I were given half a chance to do so."
"I did not think you would; and that being the case, I cannot consider your situation with much compassion."
"But if he returns no more this winter my choice will never be required. A thousand things may arise in six months! He may have deflowered half of London by then!"
The idea of his returning no more Elizabeth treated with the utmost contempt. It appeared to her merely the suggestion of Caroline's interested wishes, and she could not for a moment suppose that those wished, however openly or artfully spoken, could influence a young man so totally independent of everyone.
They agreed that Mrs. Bennet should only hear of the departure of the family, without being alarmed on the score of the gentleman's conduct; but even this partial communication gave her a great deal of concern, and she bewailed it as exceedingly unlucky that the ladies should happen to go away just as they were all getting so intimate together. After lamenting it, however, at some length, she had the consolation that Mr. Bingley would be soon down again and soon dinning at Longbourn, and the conclusion of all was the comfortable declaration, that though he had been invited only to a family dinner, she would take care to have full intercourse available to him; she was seriously reconsidering her "no penetration" rule; it was time to stop beating around the bush, so to speak, and get her girls laid and married.