Who was freaking out more? She had no idea. She had no freaking idea. How could she know something like that? How could she know anything when the world was spinning like this? How was she even supposed to like, you know, breathe? She wasn't ready. How could it be time? It was too early. Wait except, her face screwed up as she realized, it wasn't all of that early. Where had the time gone? Why hadn't she noticed that it was here? Why hadn't she noticed the date or that it was coming up fast? Like, she had known it but she also really hadn't fully processed that being near the due date meant being near baby time. She needed more sleep! Ooooooh gooooooood, she wasn't ready! Holy freaking fuck, everything was about to change. What the fuck had she been thinking? She couldn't think. Chloe was about to have a baby.
A baby!
Freaking out, freaking out - she wasn't freaking out! What would be the point of freaking out? Why the hell would she be freaking out? She wasn't even going to be in the room! Chloe had refused and frankly Beca wasn't going to fight her on that. Hell no-to –the-freaking-way. She had watched one freaking birthing video. One. Have you ever watched a birthing video? Why women put them up out there on YouTube, she didn't understand because that shit had been kind of been the stuff of fucking nightmares. She had watched with her jaw on the floor and then had vowed that she would somehow keep Chloe from watching any of that shit. Which - that was dumb; Chloe had been watching birthing videos for years. She was the freak who thought they were beautiful and more than once she had found her crying as she watched a whole family band together to bring this new baby into the world.
She was weird.
But fuck!
She glanced around the room suddenly realizing that the only sound was the prattling on of her own mind.
How was Chloe so fucking calm? This was not a moment to be calm! This was a moment to run around screaming because oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
She watched Chloe grimace as she pulled on her jeans and Beca jumped, "Are you in pain? Does it hurt? What can I do?" She had already asked this twice while Chloe was changing...plus once as they were walking into the bedroom...and twice while Chloe was still on the couch.
Chloe gave a little laugh and eye roll, "These jeans are hard to get into!" God damn it, it wasn't even just that she was calm - she looked - happy - all radiantly glowing and crap. Beca just gaped at her. The redhead shook her head again at her with a small laugh and finished pulling on her jeans, another scowl on her face scowl darkening on her face.
"Oh my god, what? What can I do?" Beca fluttered around her like an anxious bumblebee.
"No, no, nothing. I just thought it was supposed to, you know, hurt before your water broke?"
"Uhhh," Beca frowned, she had no way of knowing that one. She didn't know but this standing here, talking like it was totally just a normal day and nothing was happening was driving her a little nuts. "Chlo?"
"Hmm?" Chloe had slowed, standing idly, her look thoughtful.
"Uh, you uh, you don't seem to know this but you're having a baby. We should probably, like, um, go."
"Right!" Chloe jumped, "Right." She laughed, shaking her head at herself. "That's right, I am. I'm ready." And Chloe flashed her possibly the prettiest, most serene, happiest wink and smile that she had ever seen on Chloe's face.
For a second Beca was struck dumb by the sheer magnitude of it and yet again she remembered in that strange flash - that things were going to be different now - that Chloe was going to be different now - and judging from the way that new smile on Chloe's face made her feel - she was pretty sure she wasn't going to mind. Then again, she probably wouldn't mind any transition that Chloe would go through because it was Chloe. She could become a strange punk rocker arms dealer version of herself and Beca would pretty much just go along with it. "So - right. Let's um, do this."
She couldn't seem to sit completely still once they were in the car. She was doing her absolute best not to crash and kill them all but her fingers drummed the center console and her free foot twitched as she checked the rearview mirror for - what - impending doom, maybe? - every three seconds or so.
"Okay," Chloe clicked her tongue and grinned at her, "I texted Brey and Nick."
"Awes-ooome," Beca said with an overly large nod, a wink and a click of her tongue, all of which were just a bit askew, as though doing them together was a bad idea
"I also sent a text to Emily's phone. I don't know if she will get it but I thought I might as well. Just in case, right?" Chloe's huge blue eyes blinked up at her uncertainly, a small unhappiness ringing the irises.
Beca nodded, giving her a side glance, "There's no way it can be false labor, right? I mean, Sheryl warned us, that's - that's a thing that happens, right?"
"It does, but I'm pretty sure that my water breaking means it's the real deal."
"But like, weren't we supposed to like run to the hospital a few times, thinking you're having the baby only to find out it's not real? Isn't that how that is supposed to work? I mean, you always see that in the movies and TV and - stuff." She glanced at Chloe again and saw that she wasn't even trying to hide her amusement, or the openly teasing look on her face. "Right," she said slowly.
"Bec. Calm down."
"What do you mean?" Her head flicked around to Chloe, back to the road, around to Chloe and back, "I am calm. Oh my god, why is there so much traffic?"
"Bec," She hadn't realized how tightly she was holding the steering wheel until Chloe peeled her hand away and the blood rushing back in sent pins and needles through the whole thing.
"Ow."
"I'm okay,"
Her eyes slid over Chloe's face, "I know you're okay," she said with a small pout.
"Bec. Baby. Look at me." Paused at a red, Chloe forced her head around by her chin.
"I'm fine. Breathe. Breathe."
"Okay. Okay, I'm good." Beca took a moment to note that she was basically doing Chloe's Lamaze breathing before the light changed. "Except how am I the one that's freaking out right now? Like really. You're the one that's about to shove a small human through your - through your -"
"Lady bits?"
"In like - no time at all dude! Like. We are on our way. To do that."
Chloe shrugged, "I've been planning this for a while. I don't know, but a little pain isn't the worst thing in the world. Yeah, she's going to come out of - there - and I'm not super happy about it but then we get to meet her. Finally."
Beca's heart dropped through the floor and she sent Chloe a wild look; she hadn't even thought of that. Baby time meant baby time.
She was processing at a scary slow rate.
"Dude. What if she doesn't like me?"
The look on her face must have been good because Chloe stared at her for a second, her lip snared between her teeth before she broke down and laughed, hiccupping and trying to stop it just in case it hurt Beca's feelings - and failing entirely.
Beca just turned back to the road, chagrined.
"Hey look," Beca cried maniacally when they pulled into the hospital lot, "we're back."
Chloe let out a snort, "It's true, it's been a whole two weeks since we were last here." She let out a mocking gasp.
"I wonder if they are going to charge us rent."
Chloe frowned, holding her belly.
"What does it hurt? Shit, is it bad? Fuck!" Beca cried, stomping on the breaks in the middle of the parking lot so her hands could flutter uselessly around Chloe.
"I was just thinking they basically are going to charge us rent since I'm going to come out of there with a baby bill." Beca frowned and Chloe returned it, "It was supposed to be a joke, Bec! We're lucky that no one was behind us."
"Right. Okay. Fuck it, let's valet - or - whatever that is. Do hospitals have valet? Like is it called something else? Or like-" she caught sight of Chloe's face and bit down to shut herself up, "Let's uh, do the thing. I don't want to sit and look for a space."
"I think that might be the best choice," Chloe nodded soberly as Beca pulled in.
Beca took the ticket from the man behind the little podium thingy and she was off.
"Okay! Okay! Okay!" She was good. She ran through the doors, her mind ticking everything off, she had the hospital bag, she had the diaper bag, she had her phone, her wallet she had -
"Can I help you, miss?"
"Yeah, baby time. She's uh, yeah, baby."
"I'm sorry?" The nurse behind the desk blinked, looking at her thin frame doubtfully, "You're having a baby?"
"No! Ha! Not me, She's uh," she glanced around, "Shit!" She had everything except one thing. She sprinted back the automatic doors, nearly plowing into one when it moved to slowly, "I'msorry,I'msorry,I'msorry." She had run in so fast that Chloe hadn't even been able to get fully out of the car yet. She had everything except the woman actually in labor. Good job, Bec. Gold star for you. "Are you okay? I'm sorry."
But Chloe was laughing, "Baby, you have like no chill right now."
Beca scoffed.
Chloe just laughed as Beca wrapped her arm around her waist and this time they walked inside together.
"So how does this work?" Beca asked, chewing her lip, her fingers drumming on the counter as Chloe got situated in a wheelchair, something that Chloe didn't seem all of that happy about. "Like, um, can I go back with her for a little while?" She felt more than saw Chloe glance up at her and though Beca refused to look her way, she wondered if Chloe knew that she was having a PTSD flashback of the last time she was there, of being banished to the waiting room. She bit her lip and kept her eyes on the nurse, her eyebrows high and anxious. "There's no rule about anything or anything?"
"Well, I suppose that is up to Ms. Be,"
"Yes!" Chloe said quickly and loudly before the woman had even finished her sentence. Beca glanced around at her, amused and tried not to chuckle at Chloe's flaming cheeks. "Sorry," her lips twisted and that pushed Beca over the edge and into laughter… crazy I-need-a-straight-jacket laughter, but still - she was laughing.
"You know, pet," the nurse said confidentially, "it's a good idea. So many women come in here with a birthing plan to do it alone and they all wish they had somebody by the end." Beca saw Chloe's eyes narrow as though she had been challenged but the nurse didn't know Chloe Beale's 'wanna bet' look so she just smiled, "Well then! Come on ladies! I'll show you to your room."
Beca trailed along behind them, her cheek between her teeth, somewhat amazed at the scenes playing out around her. There were babies everywhere; new mothers, families, people laughing and hugging, fathers kissing mothers. She still wasn't sure how this had become her life. She wasn't complaining. But like - how had she gone from drinking and partying to look-I'm-in-the-maternity-ward in just under a year? The whole place seemed to be ringing with the shrill cries of babies and the coo of their caretakers. And what was weirder, her surroundings or the thoughts in her head? How the fracking fuck had she gone from 'babies are weird, small human things' to 'aaawwwweeeee, baabyyyy'?
"Wait, wait," Chloe grabbed the wheels of the chair just as they were turning into a room, creating a domino effect, the nurse bouncing off of Chloe and Beca bouncing off of the nurse, snapping her out of her thoughts, "This can't be right. Is Sheryl here yet?"
"Sheryl, dear? Let go of the wheels please, you're going to hurt your pretty fingers."
Beca peeked around the wide rear of the nurse and through the door, alerted by the high slightly panicked quality of Chloe's voice. Yeah no, this was definitely not right. It was small, barely large enough for the sterilized bed, a chair, and the plethora of medical equipment. The room that Chloe had reserved looked more like her first L.A. apartment - only nicer.
"Sheryl, she's supposed to be here." Chloe had let go of the wheels though and so the nurse was wheeling her in.
"I'm not sure who that is, dear. Now, let's get you all nice and comfy-"
"What do you mean 'you're not sure'?" Chloe's eyes were quickly rounding out, that scared puppy look slowly creeping onto her face. "You work here, you should know!"
"You're sure she is a doctor here?"
"Yes! Oh god, Bec!"
Chloe hadn't seemed nervous or afraid before; she hadn't seemed perturbed in any way. Beca didn't know if it was just the shock of suddenly being in labor hadn't hit her yet - or if it was that weird Chloe charm but now Chloe's cheeks were pale. She knew that Chloe did not want to give birth in a room like this, all cold and clean, it was nothing like Chloe.
"It's okay. I'll," she pointed back over her shoulder, "I'll go - I'll go see what I can do. Gimmie your phone. I'll call her."
It took longer than it should have. Apparently Sheryl - the lovely Sandalwood smelling midwife - was out of town on another call. She swore she would be in as soon as she could, she swore it wouldn't be long but Beca was not exactly psyched to pass this information along.
"I understand, miss," the nurse was saying when Beca returned, "but you cannot go into the birthing center without your midwife." Well, at least they had straightened out whether or not there was a Sheryl on staff.
"We can't stay in here," Chloe was trying to be reasonable, Beca could see that, but she could also see the way her fingers were fluttering around her throat. "This is where people come to die, not where babies are supposed to be born! I have a birthing plan and I really don't want to be pushed to do something else."
"It's okay," Beca said, her hands up, and so, yeah, she was lying, oh well, "Sheryl is on her way. Don't stress."
"She's on her way?" Chloe's eyelashes fluttered, zeroing in on Beca and staring intensely, searching for comfort.
"Uh. Yeah. On her way."
Ish.
"The best I can do, ladies, is let you stay in the waiting room of the center until she gets here. I'm sorry, but it's policy."
Fucking hospitals and their policies. "We'll, yeah, we'll take it."
The nurse shrugged as though she didn't understand it at all, like how could they prefer the waiting room over this antiseptic room.
"Look dude, her choice, right? She might not want puke colors paper blankets and a super comfortable flat, brick pillow. So, let's go, shall we?"
Beca had felt better when she had something to do.
It had been easy once they were in the waiting room of the birthing center connected to the hospital. They had known who Chloe's midwife was instantly, had been able to pull up her records and reservation and therefore had simply shown her back to her room without waiting.
This room looked more like Chloe and it made Beca if there were different themed rooms, like was there a business executive version where everything was in sharp angles and clean white lines or a lumberjack version where everything was covered in fake wood and the whole room smelled of pine? Chloe had ordered the hippie version and honestly the place read more like a spa or a nice hotel than a hospital anything.
It was big, almost as large as her dining room and living room put together. They could have easily fit thirty people in there if they really needed to. Beside the door was a small sitting area, with a few stiff looking couches. They didn't exactly look comfortable per se but the soft rust-colored pillows made them seem all the more welcoming which Beca was grateful for because if this went too long then she would probably be sleeping on one - if she slept at all. A little further down the long room was a dining set, a chiffon scarf draped over it as a table cloth and a vase of sunflowers in the center. A few pillars separated the second half of the room, on one side was a large king sized bathtub that Beca had to assume was used for both relaxation as well as water births and the other was a fairly inviting looking bed. Yes, there were still a few monitors around it, but they had been styled so they didn't stick out much and yes it was still a hospital bed but it had been covered with a soft looking blanket and a plump pillow at least.
Chloe beamed when she saw it and gave a smug little, "This is more like it."
That had been great. Beca had felt useful when she was manhandling the nurse into getting them into this wing.
And Chloe was happy. Yay.
But now -
She wasn't back to not freaking out.
Not at all.
She wasn't.
She wasn't!
She was just pacing back and forth - a lot - because - you know, movement is good for your health and - stuff.
Chloe had settled on the bed with ease, looking impressively comfortable for a woman who was sitting on a hospital bed, technically in labor. Now that she was in her room the near diva fit had been averted and she seemed at ease. She had changed, throwing on some yoga pants and had cuddled into the hoodie she was so fond of which - it was kind of adorable, especially because it was pretty much stretched to capacity these days. Beca was pretty sure that no amount of washing it would ever get it back to a size that would even kind of fit Beca, not that she really believed she would ever be getting it back anyway.
She could feel Chloe's eyes on her as she moved, watching as she walked to the tub - then to the couches - then to the tub, biting the skin just beside her thumbnail as she went.
She didn't get it! How was Chloe just sitting, not freaking out at all? Not that she - um - whatever -
"Bec," Chloe said softly when she tripped over her feet and nearly went flying.
"Yeah?" Beca called over her shoulder, giving the empty floor a hard look as though something there had tripped her, some ball of fluff or lint.
Chloe didn't answer so Beca went on pacing.
She had made the route three more times before Chloe said again, "Um, hey Bec…"
"Yeah." Beca paused, hands flopping awkwardly to her hips and them down as she tried to strike a I-swear-I'm-casual pose.
Eyebrow high Chloe just stared.
"What's up?" Beca asked, using her whole twitchy hand to push a strand of hair out of her face.
"You're making me nervous."
"Uuuh, sorry." She flopped down in the chair beside the bed and before long her crossed leg was bouncing as she hummed, surprisingly off-key, something that she eventually realized was 'Titanium' - which was all too fitting right now. She hadn't noticed any of this though until suddenly music started playing from Chloe's phone beside her. Beca scoffed, "N'Sync, really?"
Chloe grinned and asked, hopping off the bed - well, doing her best hop which was a little less than impressive these days, "Would you prefer the Spice Girls?"
"Errr-"
"Come on." Chloe reached for her hand, pulling her up. "Dance with me."
"Really? Now? You want to dance now?"
"Hey! I'm the one who is about to pass a baby through my lady bits, remember?"
If that hadn't guilted Beca, willingly guilted but still, then the fact that Chloe was already dancing would have.
"You're a freak, you know that right? I mean, a very cute freak and I love it but still, you're definitely a freak."
Chloe rolled her eyes, grabbing her by the shirt for a kiss, "I feel fine. Honestly, my biggest point of tension is the fact that my girlfriend is going a little crazy right now."
"I'm not-" Beca rolled her eyes.
So Beca danced, not at all how she would usually dance, this was far more twitchy and awkward but it worked. Soon she was laughing.
"God, I'm having flashbacks to my junior prom." Beca groaned as they swayed together to a slow song.
"You went to prom?" Chloe asked, a frown on her face.
"Oh yeah, awkward photo and all. I think my dad still has the picture my mom sent him on his mantel so I got to see it every time I went over there. Yeah, it's great."
"How did I not know that? I think I would have assumed you had boycotted your prom."
Beca shrugged, "No, I went. It was uneventful. Awkward dancing. A post-prom party that my date wanted to go to. Not much to say. We were those pissy kids that went to be 'ironic' but really kind of just wanted to go even though we would literally never admit that. What about you?"
"Very traditional." Chloe gave a small nod, "Had the dress and the updo and a very cute date."
"I bet you looked adorable. What color was your dress?"
"Blue."
"I would put money on you being prom queen."
Chloe bit her lip, studying the far wall with a squint, "Maaaybe."
They were laughing on the bed, taking selfies - as Chloe loved to do - and texting their friends updates when Chloe showed the first small sign of discomfort. It wasn't a big deal, really.
"Oh, come on! Beca! Stop making that face!"
"What face?" Beca cried back, her mouth hanging open.
"That face! I don't know, your I'm-Beca-and-I-don't-like-taking-pictures thing!"
"I do not have a thing!"
"Oh yeah?" Chloe cried and held up the phone for her. She had zoomed it in on Beca's face which was slack and expressionless, looking up at the camera as though it were stupid and it annoyed her almost as much as the woman next to her annoyed her.
"Okay but that is just a bad picture! No! It is! It totally is!"
"Oh yeah?" She swiped to the right to another picture with the same face.
"This doesn't prove - Chlo? Chlo!"
Chloe's smile had faltered; her face had gone a little pale.
Beca had relaxed a bit, she had almost forgotten where they were and why they were there. Now all of the panic came back as she bounced up onto her knees, "Are you okay? Should I call - someone?
Chloe's eyes had glazed over just a bit but they cleared now and she gave her a hesitant smile but it was nowhere near the smile she had three minutes before. This one looked a little anxious. "Yeah, I'm okay. That was," she cleared her throat, shifting a little uneasily on the bed, "that was the first one that hurt. Um, is Sheryl here yet?" She shifted again, her eyes flicking nervously.
"I'm not sure. I don't think so. How was that? Do you want me to go now?"
"No, not yet." Chloe shifted back onto the bed, resting against the pillows, "Will you just watch some TV with me? I don't want to think about it. This is going to be amazing and I don't want to get nervous."
"Amazing?" Beca laughed, letting her head hang as she shook it, "Chlo, you're so - so Chloe sometimes."
"What? It will be!"
"I think most people are more worried about the pain more than preserving the amazingness."
"What? Not a chance. This is an amazing thing, it's beautiful and I can't wait."
"Well you won't be waiting much longer," Beca mumbled under her breath as she scooted back as well, letting Chloe cuddle under her arm. "You think there will be anything good on?"
"Probably not, but still."
Beca flipped through without much hope, it was too early in the evening for anything good. They instead began debating if they should grab something from the cafeteria for dinner before things got too crazy or if they should see if someone will bring them something.
"Can you order-in to a hospital? Is that a thing? I bet it's not because if it was then no one would eat the hospital food. Can you eat takeout if -"
"Oh my god, go back! Go back!"
"Wha!" Beca jumped, flipping back, "Ooooh dude, weird! We are nooooot watching my ex-girlfriend - like - person, nooooo."
"Why not, Bec?" Chloe grinned, running her hand over Beca's stomach in a teasing and yet entirely possessive way.
"Uh huh. Because her face gives me heartburn. I vote no on that one."
An hour later their light dozing was interrupted by the door banging open and Nick rushing in, red faced, sweaty and panicked, "WHAT'D I MISS? WHAT'D I MISS? DID IT HAPPEN? IS SHE HERE?"
"Whoa dude, Jesus!" Beca cried, trying to swallow down her heart again.
"Not a lot is happening here." Chloe shrugged. "We're watching Dragnet."
"Oh." Nick deflated. "Dragnet?"
"Yup." She had never gained her chipper mood back, not fully. She wasn't upset, at least not that Beca could see, but she had definitely sobered a little after that first painful contraction.
She wondered if it was because she was in more pain now than she was willing to admit.
"How did you get here so fast?" Beca frowned, teasing one of Chloe's curls with her finger.
He just blinked at Beca like maybe he didn't even know.
"Brey wants an update." Chloe all but sang, looking at her phone.
"Gaaah! Duuuude." Beca cried as she looked over just in time for the selfie of the two of them to be taken.
"Oh my god, this is perfect, look at Nick's face in the background! Wait, update?" Chloe frowned up at Beca, "She isn't on her way?"
"Err, I'm not sure?" Beca shrugged as Nick flopped down in the chair next to them; he looked like he had drunk three Red Bull's and then flown to L.A..
"This is all that's happening?" He frowned. "I just drove like a maniac. I got a ticket."
"Don't worry, Nick, it will get more interesting soon." Chloe chuckled as she climbed off the bed to call Aubrey.
Chloe came back a few minutes later, her face one giant pout, "She says she has a group of fifty Walmart Execs at the lodge and she can't leave."
"What?" Beca rolled her eyes; she didn't buy that at all. Why was Aubrey so afraid of this baby? Her mind drifted through the things she had learned about Aubrey when the Bellas had been in town. She wasn't avoiding all of this because Aubrey was upset that Chloe hadn't chosen her to be with, right? Or something weird and confusing like that. She pressed her lips into a thin line, momentarily upset by the thought before she decided that she didn't think that was the problem.
"I kind of don't believe her." Chloe frowned, "She was using her lying voice."
Beca bit her lip, "Chlo, do you think all of this is kind of freaking her out?"
Chloe's frown grew.
"Babies are messy and Aubrey has a hard time with that. Don't worry, we'll get her ass here. I don't think it's personal, I think it's Audrey being Aubrey and being a little freaked." Chloe glared, "In a good way! I mean that in a good way!"
Another hour passed. They settled for a few snacks from the vending machine and sharing the salad the hospital brought for Chloe instead of the cafeteria or take out. No one really had much of an appetite and no one wanted to leave until they had to. It was around then that Beca started to notice that Chloe was getting kind of quiet, kind of stiff. She didn't really want to mention it, she didn't want to point it out, especially because oblivious-to-everything-Nick over there was just jabbering away about Jenny, worrying openly that he would miss Cassidy's birth but her cheeks were starting to grow a little flushed too.
She touched her leg, an eyebrow going up in a silent question.
Chloe just nodded, but her teeth had caught her lip and she looked even more uncertain than she had before.
Beca's stomach began to churn a little, worried. She didn't expect Chloe's this-is-amazing-sunshine-and-rainbows thing to last, she didn't know a lot about birth but she knew it hurt … a lot. She could see the gleam of positivity around Chloe cracking and it made her tense.
A soft knock came from the closed door and Chloe visibly jumped.
"Oh my god, please let that be Sheryl," she gasped, her cool calm broke altogether and tension radiated from her.
Nick threw open the door and it wasn't the midwife but instead, a very shaky, clammy and pale Emily stepped in.
"Oh my god! Emily!" Chloe yelped, her hands clasping together.
Emily...she really looked like shit; her lips were pressed tight, her skin wasn't the greatest shade ever and she looked too thin for it to have only been a few day since she left; the bags under her eyes were huge but she was smiling.
They both hopped up, surrounding her in hugs and much to Beca's extreme pleasure, the little squeak Emily let out sounded so much like their friend that they both hugged her again.
"How are you? How are you feeling?"
"Me?" Emily cried in a broken and squeaky voice, "How are you? How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?" Emily frowned, her hands hovering an inch from Chloe's belly, "Can I get you some - ice chips - or something? I dunno, that's what you're supposed to give women in labor, right? That's what they always give them on TV, err, annnyway! Hi!"
Someone cleared their throat and they noticed for the first time that Blake was standing in the doorway, hovering behind Emily like he thought she might fall over.
Oooh.
Beca realized that she was here, yeah, but under supervision. Was she supposed to have left the reservation so soon or was this a off the books special situation?
"What are you doing here?" Chloe asked, far too jubilant for her meaning to be taken any other way than how she meant it.
"I uh, I just wanted to be here. Is that okay? I'll wait in the waiting room with Blake, but-"
"No, you don't!" Chloe locked her arms around her and dragged her back to the bed, plopping her on the foot and then paused, "If you're comfortable, I mean."
Emily gave a small nod.
"Okay, Emily, I'll be in the waiting room," Blake called with a nod and a good luck for the room at large
Emily's feet came up off the floor to curl under her and for a moment the three just looked at one another, Nick glancing between them stupidly.
"So." Beca finally hedged, "How is it?"
Emily sighed, staring up at the ceiling as she tried to find the right words. "It's - it's good. It's really cool actually, it's like the whole place is like paused in mid-meditation and like, there are yogis and stuff and, yeah, it's really cool but it's like," Emily took a deep shuddering breath, "hard."
From behind her Nick opened his mouth so Beca shot him a warning look. It must have been a good one too because his mouth closed with a snap and a shoulder shrug.
"What have-"
"Writing. And sweating. They weren't kidding when they said sweat lodge. But mostly writing."
"Yeah?" Beca grinned and it softened Emily's smile as well.
"Yeah, like, nonfreakingstop. It's never happened like this before, Bec, I have like ten songs ready and it's only been a few days."
"Dude, that's awesome." She gave her a high five and then wondered why the hell that was what she had chosen to do. But Emily let out a girlish giggle and she was glad she had done it.
"Yeah, I mean, like, um, like, I think I had just forgotten how much I love to write music without the pressure of recording, um, you know?" Emily chewed her fingernail.
Beca shrugged, trying hard not to feel the nervous tension in her gut.
"I think that maybe recording isn't for me."
"I think," Chloe beamed, "you should do what you love."
"Yeah. Yea, I guess."
"Does Benji know you're in town?" Chloe asked, lifting Emily's left hand. It was only then that Beca noticed she was wearing the ring that Benji had offered her. It was kind of beautiful there on her hand.
"No." Emily frowned, "I'm not - not really. I - I'm going right back and he-"
"You want him to have the whole you." Chloe nodded confidently. "And that's not ready yet."
"Yeah."
"Awes."
Chloe lost some of her chattiness over the next hour. She and Chloe had leaned back against the pillows again, Emily resting against their knees but as it went on Chloe was starting to move - to twitch, to shift restlessly and she was starting to ask about Sheryl every few minutes. Her face had gone permanently pale, bringing out the hidden freckles in her skin, little blotches of pink had sprung up in her cheeks as well.
"Baby." Beca finally hedged when Chloe's fingers went anxiously through her hair, her face white, "You can tell us if it's starting to bother you."
She just soundlessly shook her head and took Beca's hand.
It didn't last long this time though because half an episode of American Ninja Warrior later Chloe suddenly froze mid shift, her whole body going stiff.
"Chlo?"
But Chloe just shook her head, her lips thin.
They all watched her hesitantly, trying to pretend they weren't concerned, trying to pretend that there wasn't a palpable excited tension in the room.
Thirty minutes later Chloe couldn't do it anymore. They were all right in the middle of discussing possibly ordering some food – yet again - when Chloe suddenly went quiet and stiff, biting off her own words mid-sentence.
"Chlo?"
Her lips pressed together as she shook her head, leaning over so she could press her face into Beca's arm as she let out a low moan that wouldn't stay in.
"Fuck!" Beca cried, bracing herself for the epic panic she had felt in the car, only it didn't come. Strangely she found that in the face of Chloe's pain, she wasn't so nervous anymore. "Heeey," she said softly, wrapping an arm around her girlfriend, "You okay? You ready to admit it's starting to hurt?"
She nodded just a bit, "Is Sheryl here yet?" she whimpered into Beca's shoulder.
"Not yet, but," she reached for her phone, noticing the dark look on Nick's face as he watched them and choosing to ignore it, "I'm gonna call her, okay?" She waited until Chloe was willing to sit back before she jumped off the bed and rushed out of the room, kind of not wanting Chloe to hear it if Sheryl still wasn't on her way.
"No, no, I'm sorry, I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm about forty minutes out of town. Do you think she will make it? If not I can call another midwife."
"Yeah, so I'm pretty sure she will freak the fuck out if someone who is not you walks in here but she only just started to admit that it hurts. It's been pretty slow. We've been here for hours."
"Hmmm, well, slow in the beginning does not always mean it will stay that way. Have a nurse check her dilation and then call me, please. They have my cell number."
"'Kay, but can you just like, hurry up, please? I mean, not to be rude, but um - pretty please."
"No offense taken, I'll do my best."
She debated before she headed back into the room, should she tell Chloe the details?
No.
No details.
"Okay, okay, she's on her way. She should be here really soon. She said to have someone come in and check your dilation."
Chloe just nodded.
"Okay, you got this. You alright? You're good. You can do this."
Chloe just soundlessly nodded again.
"I'ma - I'm gonna call a nurse."
Dilated to a six, Chloe gave into the hospital clothes which weren't exactly the typical paper gown that was oh so flattering on everyone but more of a shapeless dress that could be pulled off when they needed her clothes to be out of the way. With the dress change and the routine exam from the nurse the room suddenly shifted.
Chloe needed to walk. At first she could do it by herself, pacing the length of the room while the other three did their best to talk, chat, make her laugh, which Chloe did, her hand tucked under her belly. Then eventually she needed help walking.
The nurse brought in a large purple birthing ball which she sat on for a few minutes before she was up walking again, sometimes leaning on Beca, sometimes Nick and sometimes Emily.
"Dude, can we get one of these for at home?" Beca asked, bouncing a little as she sat on the ball. "I mean really, though." She was trying to make Chloe laugh, "I mean," she bounced harder, "Come on!" She wanted to make a sex joke but somehow right now just didn't seem like the time. So instead she gave Chloe her best cheesy smile - which made Chloe laugh a little - and then Beca went flying.
"Fuuuuuck!"
"Beca!"
"Fuck that thing, I don't want one of those," she called from the floor.
"Maybe don't break yourself right now."
"Knock, knock!" The door opened and Chloe all but melted to see Sheryl finally walking in.
"Oh thank god." Chloe moaned, a few tears slipping free as she wrapped the woman in a hug.
"Oh thank god," Beca mumbled from the floor, her whole body hurting but whatever, Sheryl was finally fucking here.
There was a quick exam, one that promised that 'the fun' was not far now.
Soon walking was too much, but sitting was bad too. Chloe had gone through a phase before where she didn't want to be touched, where it was too much. Now she couldn't seem to not be touched. They settled for an awkward type of leaning; Beca against the wall for support while Chloe leaned heavily on her chest, arms around her neck as Nick stood behind her massaging her lower back with his thumbs and Emily gave her sips of water.
"It seems like it's getting close, Chlo," Beca said in her ear.
Chloe let out a little laugh, "It seems like it." She flipped her hair so she could press her face a little harder into Beca's neck, whimpering.
"You scared at all?"
If the other two could hear their whispered conversation then they were polite enough to pretend that they couldn't.
It took Chloe a minute to answer, crying out as another contraction came, this one much closer to the last than any before, "A little - nervous - maybe? You?"
Beca nodded, rubbing the back of her neck in a way she hoped was soothing, "A little bit. Is that dumb of me?"
Chloe just groaned.
The more time passed, the stranger the noises coming from Chloe were, the less she wanted to let go of Beca and Beca was fine with that. Whatever Chloe needed. She didn't really care. This was crazy. Nick, seeming just a bit butt hurt, stayed in the chair, his attention sharp on his ex-wife while Emily was back at the foot of the bed, watching them like a hawk and perhaps a little paler.
Therefore when, after a particularly wanton sound of pain, Sheryl came back to check their status and Beca wasn't all that surprised when Chloe wouldn't let her go.
"Okay Chloe," Sheryl grinned at them like they were about to step onto a fun carnival ride, "It's time to remove anyone you don't want to be here. It's getting close. I think we can get you ready for the ball."
Beca frowned as Chloe whimpered, tears rolling down her face. She didn't think Chloe was crying so much as her body was simply responding to the pain. She knew that Chloe didn't want her here for the actual birth, she knew that and frankly, she fucking didn't want to be there but - still she frowned.
"I uh-" Emily had jumped to her feet, "Okay, I'm going to go sit with Blake. Chlo, do you need anything?"
Chloe was still perched against Beca, her whole body shaking with Beca's arms protectively tight around her. She gave a swift shake of her head and Emily nodded, "Okay. You can do it. You so rock. Love you." She gave Chloe a quick kiss on the sweaty forehead and then she was gone.
Chloe barely seemed to notice. "Fuck, Bec!" Chloe cried, her hands like a vise on Beca's arms as she cried out, her forehead bruising Beca's collarbone.
Damn it. She wanted to do something, anything to help. There had to be something, anything she could do. She couldn't be totally and utterly useless at this moment. There had to be something. The sounds Chloe was making had changed, they weren't cute-awe-she's-in-labor sounds, Chloe sounded like she was in real, honest pain and it ripped at Beca, shredding her nerves.
Panicked she glanced up at Sheryl, hoping that she would have anything for Beca to do, anything at all besides standing here like an idiot while Chloe balled her fists into her shirt, grunting and howling.
Sheryl's face was serene and Beca found it comforting, yeah, but she needed more. She stammered a bit, trying to find the words but Sheryl just smiled, her hands up as if to say just hang in there.
So she waited. The whole contraction had lasted maybe a minute but Beca held her breath until it was done, until the yelling stopped and Chloe was just shuddering against her.
"I think maybe let's get you onto the bed, Chloe."
Once Chloe looked, well, as comfortable as she was going to get, Beca brushed her hair out of her face, doing her fucking damned best not to freak the fuck out, not to flutter. She could tell her hands were shaking but Chloe, who had another contraction coming on, didn't seem to notice, "Okay. Baby. You got this. Alright? You got this. I'm going to go call your mom and Aubrey and-"
The look on Chloe's face could have turned any man - or woman - to stone, "Don't you dare leave me, Beca Mitchell!"
"Uuuuuh."
It was the first loud and decisive thing Chloe had said in hours. Granted the volume might be about the fact that her whole body was now writhing, her teeth gritting as she held onto Beca's arm with a punishing grip.
"Ow. Ow. Babe. Baby. Ow."
"Wait, if she gets to stay then I get to stay," Nick cried, his arms crossing.
"I don't care who stays!"
Fuck, fuck, fuck! The thing was she didn't want to stay! Not really! Not - not really. This was so not her jam. She would say something awkward or do something bad because Chloe was fucking having a baby and this was - this was a lot. Chloe was in pain and Beca was never good with that, she was never good with Chloe being in any kind of pain. It kind of turned her into a dog before a thunderstorm, running around with her tail between her legs, yowling and trying to find a place to hide. "You don't want me to stay, remember?" She tried in her best, I swear-I'm-not-running-or-freaking-out voice, "Something about our sex life..."
"Gah, I didn't need to hear that." Nick's whole body twitched.
Chloe was still gritting her teeth through a contraction so Beca decided to believe that was why her response was so - loud - aka, a downright scream, "If you don't want to fuck me after this, Beca Mitchell, then you don't get to fuck me after this!"
"Aaaaaah," Nick covered his ears, walking away and shaking his head.
"Okay, okay, hey, calm, calm, Breathe, remember?" Dude, that was so lame to say? Who didn't know to breathe? See, this was exactly why Chloe shouldn't want her in there. Damn it, when was this contraction going to end? It was so fucking long! Come on!
Chloe finally relaxed, her head falling with a thump back onto the pillow. Beca opened her mouth to protest again and suddenly Chloe's head whipped around with all the gingery fire that Beca had ever seen her possess. "Right. Okay then. Staying it is."
"Alright, Mommy," Sheryl grinned, pulling on a plastic-y gown of her own.
And a wave of unreal hit Beca so hard that she stumbled. Blinking fast she sat with a thump on the birthing ball and barely noticed when she was on the floor again, her back hitting the tile with a bone crunching smack.
Holy shit.
Holy shit, it was fucking happening.
It was happening.
Now.
Like now.
Pregnancy led to babies, everyone knew that, but holy shit, dude, there was going to be a baby and -
"Bec?"
She heard Chloe calling her distantly but her mind just swam.
Was she ready for this?
She didn't even know if - and it didn't really matter.
Chloe - her Chloe - her fucking Chloe Beale - she was about to have a baby.
Aubrey should be there. Aubrey was better at this.
"BECA!"
She yelped when suddenly Nick was pulling her up by her shirt and placing her back on her unsteady feet.
"Right, I'm good. I'm good, I'm here."
The nurses had pulled Chloe out of the awkward dress and down to her bra, and - the fuck - the bottom half of the bed was suddenly gone, replaced by the god-awful stirrups every woman hated. Beca stared at them in horror, blinking and unable to focus.
"Bec. Bec!" Chloe was staring at her, a look of desperate panic on her face and without even needing to think Beca went to her, taking her hand and kissing it.
She gave her a small grin, "Still think it's amazing?"
Chloe tried to laugh but she couldn't quite make it work.
"Chlo, you got this. You totally got this, you're good, you're - you're like a fucking rock star right now, you got this."
Chloe let out a little titter but her hand clasped tighter, "Oh god, another one is coming, oh god, another one is coming!"
Beca closed both of her hands around Chloe's one while Nick braced her shoulder.
It hit with the staggering force of an earthquake. Chloe's head fell back, the muscles in her neck popping as she grit her teeth, trying to stop the sounds that were coming from her.
"It's okay. If you need to scream then scream. It's okay." Nick's voice was shaky but Beca nodded along, squeezing Chloe's hand as hard as Chloe was squeezing hers.
"Okay, things are getting ready, you-" But Beca had stopped listening to the midwife; she had even stopped hearing Nick and his stupid fucking rambling. She watched Chloe staring down at Sheryl, nodding. It was time and Beca – her mind swirled as she watched Chloe's face set, as she watched it - changing - everything about her - Chloe was changing.
Had she said she didn't want to see this?
This was -
Chloe's face was as red as her hair, sweat was pouring at a rate that rivaled any workout and she was making noises she had never heard from a human being but Beca couldn't look away.
She was enrapturing.
She knew she was babbling at her, hopefully whatever she was saying was encouraging, she had no idea. Chloe was radiating, glowing - and not like before, not like the moments when Chloe would smile and it would light up Beca's heart, or even when Chloe walked into a room and everything suddenly just got brighter.
No, this was different.
She watched Chloe's determined face and the weight of it, the weight of everything inside of her for this woman could have taken her down to her knees.
Chloe's eyebrows drew together as she concentrated and Beca impossibly squeezed her hand harder.
She had never seen so much power, so much magnitude all at once and in one face. She had never seen anything so strong and feminine, yet awe-inspiring. She was taking this thing that wrecked most women and she was overpowering it, pulling in her strength.
She watched as Chloe's teeth bared, a bit of loose hair sticking to her forehead as she worked, pushing with everything she had, wailing; her eyes ablaze. She had gone somewhere inside of herself and yes, she was a beautiful force.
She had seen Chloe in weak moments and she had seen her in strong moments, but never in all the years had she known her like this, had she seen this strength.
She had no idea how long it had been. She had an idea that maybe it had been a while based on the numbness in her fingers but she wasn't sure. She had finally fallen silent, unlike Nick and his constant prattling, she just held Chloe's hand, staying as close as she could, letting Chloe pull her closer as she pushed, her whole body flexing down.
She knew Nick was on the other side, holding her other hand, sometimes watching what was happening behind Beca.
"Don't look, okay?" Chloe had whimpered against her hand and Beca had nodded but it had been pointless because Beca …she couldn't look away from Chloe's face. She knew that if she turned, if she changed her position a little bit then she would probably be able to see Willa being born; she could tell what color hair she would have, if any, she would get her first glance but she couldn't. Chloe's face had taken hold of Beca's very being, keeping her there.
It was amazing.
It was mesmerizing.
She was amazing.
She didn't think it was possible but she knew, she was positive that right now she was falling in love with her a little more, a little harder.
Then Chloe gave a particularly strange cry and suddenly the room went quiet.
Beca blinked, lifted out of her daze.
There was a beat and then this shrill little voice started to scream.
"Oh my god, Chloe! There she is! Chloe! Holy crap!" Nick sounded like a little girl who had just been given a pony for her sixth birthday and Beca couldn't even find it in her mind to make fun of him.
Blinking, life feeling like slow motion, Beca started to turn her head to look but before she could suddenly she was there, across Chloe's chest right next to her, this screaming tiny red thing was next to her and everything in Beca's world stopped.
Everything shifted.
It was as though everyone and everything had suddenly disappeared like smoke, everyone and everything except the woman before her and this little screaming gross - thing.
She watched open mouthed as Chloe's face transformed yet again and she wondered how the hell she had found her beautiful a moment before - this look - seeing her now - that was the most tranquil, magnificent thing she had ever seen.
Chloe gave a great sob and she glanced up, only for a second, baby blue meeting navy and Beca couldn't even blink, her eyes and mouth hanging open in stunned shock.
Sheryl gave a joyful croon and Beca let out a little laugh, taking in the tiny face, the small heart-shaped lips, the little button of a nose, the angular chin and the swatch of brunette hair. Someone was wiping the baby down but Chloe's eyes never left her face, cooing and crying, fingertips grazing her forehead as though she wasn't sure if the baby were real.
"Chlo," she choked out, "Chlo, she looks just like you."
Chloe looked up and gave a wet little laugh.
Nick leaned over them both, taking in the little face and gave Chloe's forehead a kiss. Then, much to her muted and distant surprise, he reached over and clapped Beca on the shoulder, his eyes never leaving the babies face.
It was so strange. Of course she loved Willa. But she had never expected this feeling, like there was no reason to look up, like why would she ever want to look at anything else - except maybe one.
She looked into Chloe's face, her laugh surprised and light hearted, "She's beautiful!"
Chloe gave another wet laugh, kissing the fingers in front of her; the tiny little fingers that splayed out against those pale pink lips, "Isn't she?"
Somewhere outside of herself Beca was aware that Sheryl had stood, stretching and cracking her back, "Okay family, we need to take her and weigh her and give her a quick exam." The cord was cut, Beca shying away when the scissors were offered to her and then the little thing was lifted off of Chloe and taken across the room. They all watched her go, heads twisting until she was hidden behind bodies; then they all spent a second blinking as though they had suddenly lost their light.
They exchanged an almost confused look and all began to laugh a little.
Nick, his face bright, turned to follow but Beca turned back to Chloe. "How are you? Are you okay?" Hesitantly she touched her face, wiping her hair away, smiling in response to Chloe's smile.
"Yeah." Her head fell back and Beca made her lift it so she could scoot a pillow behind her, "Yeah, I'm okay."
Beca laughed, she couldn't stop laughing, and kissed her hand. "That was kind of amazing."
"I'm tired."
"I bet you are."
She opened her mouth, wanting something but - strangely - she didn't know how to take it. They were watching one another, in that way that sometimes happened - but - "Chlo?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I uh, can I - kiss you?"
A small smile bubbled to her lips and she let out a small giggle, her fingers winding around Beca's neck and pulling her in.
The kiss was everything; long and chaste but - it was - everything. In it oceans shifted, the stars and the moon fell to earth and she felt - she felt something she had never felt before. She felt - better...right.
"Wow," Nick laughed, his voice cracking, "she has toes and everything."
Chloe pulled out of the kiss, her hand trailing down to Beca's cheek with a smile, "How many?"
"Eleven!"
Beca saw Chloe's face shadow with worry, mirroring her own pang of panic then Chloe's eyes rolled.
"Dude!" Beca cried before Chloe could, "Not the freaking time for jokes!"
And then she was there again, wrapped in a blanket. Beca's jaw dropped, "Whoa shit. She's right there." She blinked, stunned. She had always said that Chloe being sprung on her was enough to make her mind go numb - apparently all of the Beale women had that power.
"Hey! Little ears, Beca," Nick growled over the sound of the high wailing, but his smile was so large that Beca just ignored him, too busy feeling her anxiety rise. She was crying. They should do something about that, right? Like, now, maybe? Willa was crying!
"What's wrong?" Chloe asked, her face suddenly sharp with worry as her eyes leveled on Beca.
Beca shifted from one foot and then the other, "She's crying," she finally said.
Chloe stared at her for a second a smile slowly building.
"Is she okay?" Beca asked, not even trying to hide her worry. "Is she supposed to be crying like that?" She fluttered and exchanged a look with Nick but Chloe just laughed.
"She just went through a lot."
"Right but,"
"I think she's okay."
Things moved in a whirlwind then. Suddenly Chloe was primped and cleaned up, the bed was fixed and everything that had felt very sudden and quick in retrospect seemed to slow.
She had no idea how long they all sat there looking at the baby in Chloe's arms before the newborn started to quiet, letting out the smallest little noises that Beca had ever heard. Beca's tumbling heart stilled a bit as the baby settled, calming, only to pick up again when she watched Chloe kiss her on the forehead and then pass her over to Nick.
It was strange feeling her center of gravity moving that way, but Beca really couldn't look away; every little move of her head, every little disjointed finger flex, every sound was enthralling. She pulled out her phone, snapping pictures, realizing that Chloe might want them and then, she nearly dropped her phone when Nick turned to her, juggling the phone in the air for a second before she was able to grab it. "What? No! No way! No, I literally just almost dropped my phone. I'll break her. Dude! No!" She glanced around at them, her mind picturing a hundred ways she would shatter the tiny thing.
"You won't break her."
Beca just stared at Chloe's confident face for a second, her heart beating so fast in her chest that she was a little bit dizzy. Except what if she did break her?
"You won't break her."
Beca licked her lips, shaking as she put her phone down and let Nick place her in her arms. "Ooooh my god," she moaned as she felt her tiny weight settle against her. It seemed like there should be more, right? She should be heavier, bigger, "Oh god, she's so small." She had seemed small before but now in her arms she felt even smaller, too small to be natural.
The little thing in the blankets gave a little neck stretch and her mouth opened for just a second. Beca just stared, her own mouth hanging open as the baby finished her yawn, her eyes opening for a second and then closing.
A strange noise came from Beca - she was pretty sure that was what had happened - she was pretty sure that had come from her, right?
She was - she was beautiful.
She softly reached up and touched her cheek with her finger and laughed a little when the baby's head instantly turned that direction. She ran her hand over her small patch of hair, marveling at its color, at its texture.
In her mind a montage had started, Willa taking her first steps toward her, teetering as Chloe sat on the other side of the circle, both holding their hands out, ready to catch her.
A beautiful five-year-old dressed as a ballerina, running and jumping, crashing into her legs, demanding a hand so that she could be twirled.
A little curly headed eleven-year-old, her lip pouting as she sat on the sidewalk next to her fallen bike, trying not to cry, insisting that she was too old to cry as she wiped a little bit of blood off of her scraped knee.
A vibrant girl coming home from her first date.
A teenager crying over her first love.
Graduating.
Getting married.
Having a baby of her own.
Beca gasped, a tear dripping onto the soft hospital blanket Willa was wrapped in.
She looked up, wanting to share her thoughts, just wanting to look at Chloe again and was amused and embarrassed to find Chloe recording her. "Oh my god, stop!" She rolled her eyes but the protest hadn't had any heart in it and it was forgotten as soon as she looked down again. She tucked her in tight against her, probably tighter than she needed to, terrified and softly ran her finger down her cheek again. She gave a coughing laugh of disbelief as the silverish blue eyes opened wide for a second, her mouth going into an O before she settled back into sleep.
Beca knew someone had come in behind her and it took a mammoth-like strength to pull her eyes away and to Emily.
"Oh my -!" she cried and Beca frowned, knowing she was going to have to give her up.
Which she did - after another few minutes - carefully placing the baby in Emily's arms, protectively taking a little too long to do the thing, her lips pulled back over her gritted teeth.
Emily blinked, her face bright red. "Oh my god, she's here. Guys, she's here."
Beca watched, feeling a great swell of affection for them both as Emily studied the baby's face, taking in all of the details before she took in a shuddering breath and said lightly, "Hi Legacy."