History: Miranda and Shepard

"Well…" said the Admiral, looking around the cramped, crypt-like space, formerly known as Jack's hideyhole. The biotic criminal's cot was still there, serving as a dumping place for all the garbage and refuse of the Alliance refit. "This is cozy…"

"This is where you go if you don't want prying ears." Miranda explained. "No one visits here. This used to be the home of a biotic serial killer. A product of Cerberus experimentation. She's cooled down apparently works at the Ascension project now. As a teacher."

As she spoke Miranda realized that she had earned the woman's trust, even if the Admiral hadn't realized it yet herself. No one who didn't trust her would dare step alone into a place so far removed from other members of the Alliance. The knowledge filled Miranda with a sense of elation. She had trouble keeping a smile off of her face.

"You said a Cerberus experiment?" Hannah said sharply.

"We improved her biotic powers, no question." Miranda shrugged. "But sometimes… well let's just say that the blind hatred you have of Cerberus is perfectly justified." She chewed her lip. "John took me to Pragia with him when Jack wanted to go. We traveled through the facility she had been housed in. It was… horrifying, to be honest. Even for me, and I was supposed to be the Cheerleader. That was Jack's name for me. I tried to convince myself afterwards that it was a splinter group. A cell which had broken from us and taken our standing orders a little too far."

"Not too far," the Admiral corrected, taking a seat on an empty shipping crate. "To their logical conclusion."

"Perhaps." Miranda joined the Admiral, seating herself on the edge of Jack's bed. The criminal had left her imprint on the place. It still smelled of hostile loneliness and that peculiar sweaty odor which permeated everything the criminal touched. Miranda hadn't had any idea how John had been able to stand having such long conversations with the woman. She just hoped Jack had learned what a shower was before she began teaching. She said, "I was angry at John for taking me down there. I was offended that he'd do something that was so transparent, so obviously intended to make me question things. I resolved not to let it get to me. But it did, in the end."

"What did you find, exactly?" Hannah asked, watching her closely.

"Everything you'd expected. Children were smuggled in through shipping containers. Experimented on, dissected, used as cannon fodder to condition Jack. They'd pump her with dopamine and endorphins every time she hurt another test subject. Last I heard, she still gets a warm, fuzzy feeling from crushing other human beings, or tearing us apart with her biotics."

"Sickening."Hannah spat. "And John's defending these people?"

"Not at all." Miranda said immediately. "He was the first to condemn them. However even he had to admit that Jack's… inclinations proved to be quite useful. All we had to do to win any fight was let her enjoy herself."

"Sounds to me like you were just taking advantage of her."

"Oh, we were." Miranda admitted it freely. "I don't think John would ever be willing to admit that fact to anyone. Including himself first and foremost. But I knew it, certainly. I approved, even. At the start." She flashed the Admiral a humorless smile, and found her gaze wandering to the floor in shame. She snorted. "Jack knew it. She and I did not get along."

"How did she and John get along?"

"John?" Miranda laughed. "When the Illusive Man decided to study indoctrination, the first place he should have turned was to John Shepard's former crew. John had a way of cracking you open. Finding just the right words so that you'd let him into your head. And when he was there… he'd disassemble you, fix all your little problems, and put you back together, a far better person than you'd been before."

She met Hannah's eyes. "Your son has an incredible gift, and it's not his combat skills."

"So what was your 'little problem'?" Hannah asked.

Miranda felt herself closing up. The instinct to withdraw was so strong that she actually physically drew herself in, hugging herself and leaning forward until her elbows were resting on her knees. She wasn't ready to talk about it quite yet.

To her relief, Hannah read her body language and took a small amount of pity. "Perhaps we'll get to that?"

Miranda nodded. She took a moment to collect herself. "After horizon, John was… depressed. Williams had meant a lot to him, and her betrayal certainly did a fair amount of damage. We spent a few weeks running small missions and scanning planets on the outer rim. We eliminated some mercenary groups, collected more resources while we waited for the Illusive Man to forward more dossiers, which he eventually did.

"John spent a lot of that time in his cabin during those weeks, or talking to Garrus. He was perfectly polite to us, and functional as far as the mission was concerned. But he was worn down. I heard far less snarky comments about Cerberus, and he began to listen to me a little more closely. I remember a Cerberus Operative had been captured by the Eclipse mercenaries and tortured for information on Lorek. We went down there and eliminated the mercenaries, extracted the data. It was… sensitive information. The sort that could really hurt Cerberus."

"And he didn't forward it to the Alliance?"

"No." Miranda shook her head. "I asked him for it. Argued the point. In the end he decided to sit on it. He kept it on an OSD hidden behind a loose panel in his room. There was nothing I could do, short of breaking into his cabin and stealing it."

"Why didn't you?" Hannah asked.

"I'd asked myself the same question." Miranda frowned. "I don't know. I suppose… he had earned a certain amount of respect. But… we were competing at that point. I was used to being in charge of projects, and I didn't want to take the disc, I wanted him to give it to me. It would have been a victory. A feather in my cap. I couldn't steal it, because then it wouldn't have been any kind of accomplishment. No progress would have been made.

"Shortly after that, John got a message from David Anderson requesting his presence at the citadel." Miranda shifted in her seat, making herself a little more comfortable before she continued. "I suppose Williams had filed the report you read. The council wanted some answers. Cerberus was their sworn enemy, after all. And the council's poster boy was working for them. John arrived expecting a few difficult questions, sure. But he was also still holding out hope that they weren't blind. He told them of our mission, of the Collectors, and the fact that they were working for the Reapers."

Miranda scowled. "I remember the Turian councilor's response very clearly." She held up her hands, making little quotation marks in the air, imitating the Turian's puerile, disdainful tone. "Ah yes, Reapers. The immortal race of sentient starships allegedly waiting in dark space." She waved a dismissive hand . "We have dismissed that claim."

"He said that?" Hannah looked shocked.

Miranda nodded. "The entire council had wiped the Reapers clean off the history books, as you probably know. They had buried their heads in the sand. For the rest of my damned life, I'll never forget that quote. I'll never forget John's face either. Everything your son had fought for, every bridge he'd built, every alliance he'd strengthened, every warning he'd offered, every life he'd worked so hard to save… it had all come undone in the intervening years following his death. He was stupefied, disheartened, and absolutely livid."

"I know he was working for Cerberus, but he'd stayed loyal to the Alliance. Loyal to the council. Loyal to everything they apparently stood for. Until Horizon at least, he'd fought argued tooth and nail with the Illusive Man and I at every step possible. He'd done his best to keep himself an Alliance Marine. To not let Cerberus change him. And then the council told him that the only reason he wasn't being executed as a terrorist was because he'd saved their lives. They told him essentially that they didn't care. About anything. He had fought so hard for them, but to them, he was another fly on the goddamned wall. All of his ideals… it was all so much window dressing."

"I bet they're regretting that now." Hannah said darkly.

"Yes, hindsight is always the clearest. But John knew from the very beginning. Ever since he'd been able to understand what the Prothean beacon had burned into his brain, he knew the scale of what was coming. He understood how bad it would get. At best the council were willing to ignore him provided he stayed within the terminus systems. They also offered him back the Spectre Status. As a show of 'peripheral support'." Miranda scoffed. To her surprise, so did the admiral.

"After the meeting, he completely stopped outright dismissal of my suggestions. He began to really work with us. Listen to us. He had realized he was going to have to do his job despite the council and the Alliance, instead of alongside them. He was apologetic… meek, almost. He'd been proven wrong. And do you remember that disc? The OSD with Cerberus information on it?"

"Yes."

"Well he gave it to me the next day. Walked into my office, put it down on my desk, and walked out without saying a word."

"And I'm sure you celebrated…"

"No, actually. I thought I would be. But I wasn't. Instead I felt angry at the council. Indignation on his behalf."

"Really?" Hannah looked surprised. "Why did you care?"

Miranda frowned and crossed her arms. "I remember when I was very young, my father was meeting some business associates at a horse show. He took me along to show me off." She scowled. "Bastard. Anyway, they had an untamed palomino mare there. Beautiful horse. She had a golden coat, long white main. Full of energy and spirit. They broke her. In the ring, in front of a crowd of people. They just… whipped her into shape. Broke her down until she stopped fighting it. She stopped kicking back, bucking, running… fighting. They just worked her and worked her until she gave up. By the end the trainer had her trotting obediently around the ring with a rider on her back. My father and the rest of the audience were clapping, but I found the whole exercise depressing as hell. I felt sorry for the horse."

"I wasn't aware there were many horses left on earth." Hannah said, as she quietly absorbed the analogy.

"There aren't. My father was one of the few people who could afford that kind of luxury." Miranda took a deep breath. "And Perhaps it's time I tell you about my sister."

The Admiral straightened, listening attentively. "Your sister?"

"You remember my father?" Miranda asked.

Hannah nodded.

"Well, I also have a sister. I'm not going to tell you her name, where she is, or what she's doing."

"Why not?"

Miranda tapped the transmitter in her pocket. "Perhaps someday, after Hackett's stopped paying attention. If I'm to be tried alongside John. I'm to be executed as a war criminal, I'm not about to hand over my sister as well."

"Why?" the Admiral asked. "Is she with Cerberus?"

"No. She's entirely innocent. Doesn't know a thing." Miranda answered. "But that won't stop anyone who wants to get at me, or at John. I don't talk about my sister. You already know more than almost every single person I've ever spoken to."

"How did John get it out of you?" Hannah asked, accepting Miranda's silence for the moment.

"I told him outright." Miranda said. "I was desperate. I was running out of time and I needed help, and frankly, I had nowhere to turn, really. We were headed to Illium anyway to pick up Thane Krios and Samara, the Asari Justicar. I asked John for help."

"You didn't mention your sister earlier." The Admiral said sourly.

"No. I didn't."

"Well how big is your family?" Hannah asked. "You've mentioned your father, too. Where was your mother?"

"I didn't have one." Miranda explained. "I am mostly my father's DNA mixed with 'desirable' traits from various different sources."

A slight frown graced the Admiral's features as she stared at Miranda. "You mean you're not… you weren't… aren't…"

"Aren't what?" Miranda asked coldly. She leaned forward and glared at the Admiral. "Aren't human?"

Hannah Shepard's mouth opened and closed several times as she searched for a suitable response. "I'm sorry." She said lamely. "I didn't mean to-"

"You're not the first." Miranda told her. "My father thought the same way. My job was to smile for his photographs, curtsy at his parties, and put trophies on his shelves. I had an extensive and thorough education not for my own future, but so that my father could show my report cards to his friends. I was exposed to Eezo, and trained in biotics. I received lessons on how to play the violin, cello, piano, and French horn. I learned eight different languages, two of them Asari dialects found on Thessia and Illium. The rest, human."

"Well didn't he give you time for play? friends? Even if you didn't have a…"

"Mother?"

"… Yes. You were still a child." Hannah reasoned. "Children need time to-"

"To do what? To be what? Children? That didn't matter to him." Miranda snorted. "I don't think you quite understand what he wanted me to be. He was adding superior stock to humanity's gene pool. I was designed to be the perfect woman A perfect daughter for a perfect dynasty. And when he found out that I wouldn't bow. That I would not break for him and trot around the ring like that pathetic palomino mare, he discarded me and commissioned another to take my place; my sister."

"That's… that's horrifying." Hannah said, absorbing the full weight of Miranda's story.

"There was no way in hell that I was going to let her suffer through the same hell. So one night, I put my biotics and a pistol to good use, and I rescued her."

"How old were you?"

"Fifteen? My sister was an infant."

"That was very brave, Miranda." Hannah told her.

Despite her previous anger towards the woman, Miranda felt a small warm glow light up inside of her.

"It was." She said. "Of course, that left me on the run from my father and his hired mercenaries. All I had was the clothing on my back and my baby sister in my arms. I didn't know what to do with myself. Where to go… I knew that eventually Father would catch up. He'd take my sister back into custody, and likely have me killed and blown out an airlock, a failed experiment. That's when the Illusive Man approached me.

"He understood my situation, and knew of my training and education. He offered me a place to use the skills I'd learned, a cause to follow, competent colleagues to work with, and challenges worthy of a 'perfect' woman. More importantly, Cerberus granted my sister Sanctuary. They arranged to have her adopted into a good home with decent parents where she could live a normal life. Have a normal childhood and decide her own future."

"That's why you're loyal to them." Hannah said. There was almost a sense of awe in her voice. "I'd never thought they'd be capable of doing that kind of thing…"

"You misjudged them, then." Miranda said simply. "There was a lot of good in that organization, and in the Illusive Man himself. Cerberus' problem was never its goals. It was in the execution. In return for my sister's protection, I devoted myself to Cerberus and the Illusive Man. The system worked for two decades. Cerberus protected her, and in return… I did anything and everything the Illusive Man wanted done.

"It worked until the Collector mission. I got word through one of my contacts that my father was getting a little too close to my sister's family. He had given up on me, but had never quite given up on finding her. I ordered that the family be moved to a different location, and he sent some mercenaries to intercept them."

"Of course, John helped stop them." Hannah said proudly.

"He did." Miranda affirmed. "Despite everything I represented, everything I'd said and done, he and Garrus picked up their rifles and fought as hard for me as they had against the Collectors on Horizon. I had no right to ask, and he had no reason to help, but he did anyway."

"Because it was the right thing to do." The Admiral said.

"Exactly. And that's what I didn't understand about him. After the fight, we were standing there at Illium's spaceport, watching her and her family wait to board one of the shuttles. The entire place had been locked down because of our firefight with Father's mercenaries. We had an hour or two to wait. John forced me into talking to her."

"You didn't want to talk to your sister?"

"I did." Miranda said. "With all my heart I wanted to. But it had always been safer to keep her at a distance."

"Safety isn't everything." Hannah told her.

Miranda laughed. "John said exactly the same thing."

"So you talked to her, then?"

Miranda nodded, reliving those first tense moments when she'd finally told Oriana the truth. "God, it was…incredible." She whispered. "I'd followed her life closely, of course. Cerberus forwarded me her report cards, pictures, security feeds from her schools… notes on her family life. But watching her talk? Watching her smile and laugh…. listening to her voice for the very first time. I hadn't heard her voice since she was a baby…"

Miranda blinked rapidly, feeling the onset of tears. "Your son gave me that. It's not the sort of thing anyone can repay. I don't think he even knows just how…" she died away into silence, her voice cracking slightly. "How much it meant to me. That one action taught me about everything I'd missed in my life."

Hannah was smiling.

Miranda took another breath. "After that, I watched him a lot. Not on the Illusive Man's behalf anymore, but because I was curious. I wanted to understand him and I didn't understand that talking was the best way to do that. I didn't understand his motives at all. I didn't get honesty, or speaking one's mind. You never did that in Cerberus. Or around my father. That left you exposed. Secrets and hiding were the only way to survive. I couldn't figure him out… and I really wanted to."

"When did it finally turn into…?" Hannah searched for the right words.

"During an argument." Miranda answered the unasked question. "It started as a calm, peaceful discussion about Cerberus' ethics. I was for, of course. John was against. But after Horizon and his visit with the council, his position wasn't a very solid one, and we both knew it. I tried to press the point. Cerberus' methods were the way to go. The only way to get things done. The right way to do it, and I was winning the argument."

"So you were still manipulating him." Hannah said. "Trying to recruit him."

"No!" Miranda shook her head. "I… well yes. I suppose I was. But I wasn't thinking of it quite like that. It was more …personal. I've mentioned about what John does to his crew. At that point, I was just another thrall, and I knew it. He was beginning to question things, and after he helped my sister, so was I. I was confused. Loyal to both him and Cerberus, and I guess I was hoping that by getting him to admit the good things about Cerberus, I could consolidate them, and resolve my own conflicts.

"Besides, I wanted him to approve of Cerberus. And of me, and the choices I'd made during my life. The things I'd done, and the way I'd chosen to do them. I think at that point he was still trying to understand what they were. I'd never been very clear about my personal history. I'd only handed him bits of information. Small facts, only when he absolutely needed to know them, and not before. Just enough to get the job done.

"I was hunting for his approval." She felt her face redden slightly. "I wish there was a better way to put it, but…" she chuckled. "There isn't. I was envious. Jealous. Curious. Everyone liked him. Looked up to him. Trusted him. Poured their hearts out to him. and he did the same to them. Especially to Garrus. But everyone shared things with him, and with each other. The engineers would play poker with him down in the engine room. Then he'd talk with Thane, joke around with the pilot and Tali. He'd listen to Mordin, and meditate with Samara. The crew followed his example. They began to move around. Talk with each other. Laugh together, share their lives and their stories and be part of that team. That… that family he'd created.

"And here I was, the Cerberus Cheerleader. The black sheep. The long hand of the Illusive Man. There to watch and spy and probe and make life miserable for them all."

Hannah was nodding sympathetically.

"I wanted it, too. I wanted to be a part of that crew. That family." Miranda admitted. "I didn't know how, and every time I made to approach anyone, they'd close up even more. They'd act hostile. I'd ask a question and they'd hear the Illusive Man's voice. To some of them, everything I did, everything I touched was a Cerberus plot. There was always an angle I was supposedly playing."

"Well in all fairness to them…" Hannah began awkwardly.

Miranda nodded. "I know. I know what you're going to say, and you're right. You're absolutely right. And if it'd been any other cell. Any other time. Any other situation, they would have been right as well. But… I'd never seen anything like what John was doing to that crew. Being the outcast. The Ice Queen would have been something I could have handled if they'd been colleagues. Subordinates. But the way John was building his team, they were friends and family. They treated each other as such. It was something I'd never seen before. A trust and commitment that I'd never been a part of, and didn't really know how to deal with."

She shook her head. "I ended up taking meals in my cabin. Closing myself off more. If the cold Cerberus bitch was all I was going to be allowed to be, then I was going to do a good job of it. John found out. Bastard started delivering my meals himself, and eating his meals with me."

"That lead to a lot of awkward silences?"

"Animated conversation." Miranda said. "Eventually we dropped the pretense of meals entirely and just skipped to the talking. He was a lot smarter than I'd given him credit for. He was thoughtful and very observant. He wouldn't let me close up. We discussed… everything. Politics, music, philosophy, pop culture. John's tastes are… very different from my own. I'd been raised to believe that the only things worth pursuing were those at the top. The cream of the crop. Everything else deserved nothing but scorn. Vids like Blasto were banal wastes of time. As were bands like Varrencage, Skinsuit, and Eff Tee El. I was raised on classical music, and I love it to this day…"

"It doesn't remind you of your father?"

"Sometimes." Miranda admitted. "But when I hear the beauty of an arrangement like the violins in the first movement of Vivaldi's Winter…" she shook her head. "It's stunning. And with John… I finally found someone I could share it with. Granted, John never appreciated it in quite the same way I did. He's... crude in his tastes. My father would have called him a troglodyte. Which made it all the better. Eventually we were comfortable enough to talk about the Alliance and Cerberus. It was during one of those ethical discussions that we had an…incident."

Hannah frowned "How bad was it?"

"Not bad at all." Miranda said. "Somehow the subjected of my father was broached. I'd been pressing John particularly hard about Cerberus' ethics. Drawing parallels between our actions and his stealing the Normandy to go after Saren. That one hit him hard, so he started teasing."

"Teasing?"

Miranda nodded, replaying the scene in her head. "About my genetic tailoring. Called himself a Mutt, if I remember."

"John…" Hannah said, indignantly.. "I suppose I should be offended by that."

"Bastard was winding me up." Miranda told her, "Playing off my arrogance. He knew exactly what he was doing."

"That's still not-"

"So did I. And I didn't make any move to stop him." Miranda smiled. "I joined in, in fact, and teased him back. Pushing eachother's buttons was something we had gotten used to. It was almost a game. Somewhere along the line it turned into flirting. There had always been a certain amount of …tension… between John and I. I can't tell you why it all came to a head during that conversation on that day. I can't tell you who made the first move either, but suddenly we weren't flirting anymore."

Hannah sat back, letting out a long breath. "That must have complicated things…"

"It did." Miranda nodded. "The days following, I was so confused. John was civil enough to give me some time to sort it all out. The conflict of loyalties was stressful. After all, I was still spying on him for the Illusive Man. Added to that the mission complications…"

"Change of priorities." Hannah said sympathetically. "My husband and I dealt with the same problem when John was on his way. We were considering splitting up. Getting on board different ships so there was less of a chance one of us would have to make the hard choice."

"Yes, well as we soon discovered, we had it worse." Miranda said. "Did I mention that this mission against the Collectors was a suicide mission?"

No, I didn't pick Vivaldi's Winter because Miranda is an "Ice Queen". I picked it because it's a genuinely FANTASTIC piece of music. Absolutely stunning. Especially the first movement of that concerto.

This chapter was super super long. Hopefully it made up for the wait. I was working on Fallout.