Ch. 21 You're Still You...Am I still me?
Sirius blew up. Piper bit her nails. Remus thoughtfully frowned and rubbed his chin. Lily's eyes began to mist. And Nina wanted to know if her brother was ok. And I wanted to blow someone's brains out, preferably mine.
It was the day after I found out and then the family found out about Harry. I was lying on my back on our massive bed, one arm behind my head, the other around Lily's waist as she cried silently into my chest. She's been so upset and worried about Harry that I don't know what to say or do to make her stop crying. I can't assure her that he'll be ok, that he'll hold his own because he's in 4th Year and there's no parent or anything that can teach him how to fight. If I'd been there….if I was still considered alive….I wonder what would've happened. What his name have still popped out of the goblet?
"He'll be ok, won't he James?" Lily whispered, she had finally stopped. I could tell from the hoarseness in her voice.
And I was taken back to the night we were separated from him for the first time. And she begged, asked me to tell her that everything would be ok, that we'd all survive and the end of hell was near. Well, that didn't exactly happen now did it? Separation, I guess, is only the beginning.
"I can't promise you anything that's no for me to promise sweets, and you know that," I whispered to her, staring at the ceiling of our room bathed in the white/blue moonlight.
She moaned and buried her face deeper into my chest. Increasing my grip on her was my only response, since nothing else could comfort her. I knew what she was feeling, I felt the same things, perhaps ten times worse. Or maybe not. I don't know. But the horror at the idea of our precious son, already in danger, being in more jeopardy because of the stupid tournament.
Harry grew up in a Muggle world. If he, like me, had seen his parents perform magic, watched as his father demonstrated spells Aurors used, we might not have been so worried. I could've sent letters to him with spells and their instructions. I couldn't do it as Atticus because, well, it's illegal. Only a parent can send in a letter that contains such information. And though Dumbledore would allow my letter to go through, Harry and his friends surely had to know the rules.
And Sirius was on the run so…
I blew out a frustrated breath, my chest expanding, her head rising with my sigh. Maybe Dumbledore could let him go? Karkaroff was willing, he'd nearly ripped Harry's head off in the backroom after his name was called. And Maxime wasn't too thrilled at the prospect of two Hogwarts Champions. But the two Ministry Members wouldn't allow it. They insisted Harry had to compete, poor kid! Stupid Crouch. I never liked him. He not only put Sirius in Azkaban. But gave us, the Aurors, hell during the first war.
"James?" Lily whispered, rising on her elbow to look down on me.
"Mm?" I asked, my hand stroking her cheek, tracing her lower low lip, wanting it to stop quivering.
"do you think one of Voldemort's people put his name in?" she asked quietly, her eyes scanning my face, lingering on my eyes and on my lips.
"Considering every strange thing that's happened so far…I can't say I haven't thought about the possibility, "I told her, kissing her cheek, smiling when she kissed my thumb as it skimmed over her lips.
"What if he comes back? Voldemort," she asked, a terrified expression crossing her face, her breaths becoming increasingly shallow. Her trademark for when she frightened. And I was powerless, a might less and sword less knight unable to rescue his princess. Helpless. Defenseless. Blind.
"Then we fight, side-by-side, and die, if need be, for our son and daughter, or in my case, you as well," I rose to put my lips on hers for good measure, "we'll stick together, like the first war. Stronger perhaps because have more to protect."
"You really think he's back?" Lily asked as I stayed up on my elbows.
"It's inevitable," I said softly, against her lower lip, "don't worry." What the hell? Don't worry? I'm about to pull out my hair with worry and I tell her not to? Well…maybe I'm doing enough worrying for both of us…maybe I can save her the head splitting headache.
"But the Prophecy," she whispered, putting her head back on my chest, so I lay back down, "during the 2nd war, it's supposed to be fulfilled, right?"
"I don't know," I answered, painfully helpless to protect her, Harry and Nina. And since Nina is our daughter, she's in as much danger as Harry is. How the fk is a man supposed to feel when his arms and legs are cut off and his families in danger? God! If only I had some power, some way to shield them from the inevitable hell. I'd be willing to do anything, anything, to keep them safe, keep those tears out of my wife's soulful eyes. "Sleep on it Lily, it'll be a lighter day tomorrow."
She nestled closer to me, her hands on my chest and she intertwined her legs with mine. Lily fell asleep, and I watched her, and it takes a lot to make a man stare at his perfect wife and cry.
Harry contacted Sirius through mail and told him about what had happened. Sirius wrote him, telling him to write anything suspicious that happened at the school. Harry was worried, and we could tell. So now, a week before the first task, which were dragons (courtesy of Dumbledore), Sirius was getting ready to Floo him.
"Everyone upstairs, and turn off all the lights," I told Piper, Nina and Lily. Sirius was already on his knees in front of the fireplace on the cushions we'd set out for him. I would stand beside the fireplace, just in case, and listen to the conversation. Sirius would tell him he'd broken into a Wizard house and he needed to hurry, for good measure. But of course, he wouldn't hurry unless someone from Harry's side intervened.
The conversation started as we'd planned. Harry spilled his guts out to his godfather, telling him about the Tournament, the articles the bitch Rita Skeeter was writing about him (great works of fiction) and Ron not believing that he hadn't put his name in the goblet. He ended the confession with, "Hagrid just showed me the first task, and it's dragons, Sirius, I'm a goner," he said, sounding as helpless as I felt.
Sirius warned him about Karkaroff, and told him the history of the former Death Eater. He put special emphasis on the fact that he couldn't be trusted and someone was out to get him, and Harry seemed to understand that perfectly well. Just as they were getting ready to hint him on what to do for the first task, Harry hissed at Sirius to go.
"Someone's coming, go!" was the last thing Harry said before Sirius pulled out.
"Be careful Harry, there are enemies within the walls," was Sirius's last massage to the boy, he backed out and sat on his ass.
"This doesn't feel right," I sighed, flopping down on the couch behind him in the study.
"The same odd feeling when the first war started," Sirius sighed.
"Foreboding," I confirmed, rubbing my temples.
"Maybe we're just paranoid," Sirius shrugged.
I blew a raspberry.
He chuckled mirthlessly, "Peter's probably run and gotten him out of wherever the hell Voldemort was. Probably taking care of him right now, as we speak."
"More than likely," I nodded.
"What are we gonna do? We can't just sit on our ass and wait," he said.
I shrugged, "nothing else we can do," and I want to scream at having to admit that. That I have no power, at all.
"We'll be pulling out our hair in the near future ha?" Sirius asked, running a hand through his hair. He was worried too, the haunted look in his eyes that Piper had chased away returned.
"I've already started," I nodded, clenching my jaw, wanting to punch something, "but we'll manage…somehow."
"this is one of those situations where we close our eyes and run into battle blind, eh?" he asked, standing up and walking towards me. He flopped down on the couch beside me.
"Yep, with nothing but determination for a weapon and shield," I closed my eyes, vivid images from the first war rushing to me, hitting me full force, "God help us all."
I remember our first full blown battle with the Death Eaters. It had been a couple of weeks after Lily and I had gotten back from our honeymoon. I'd been called up by Moody at 1 in the morning, strange what time emergencies decide to happen. I had stumbled to the Auror HQ where Moody briefly briefed us and nearly beat up Sirius and I because we were nodding off. When we arrived at Cardiff, Order members were already there, trying to duke it out alone against the stupid Death Eaters.
We'd lost several people that night, and Sirius had admitted to tearing his shorts he'd gotten so frightened when Piper had gotten grazed on the shoulder with a curse a Death Eater had sent. Lily had been there as well, to my distaste, seeing as how she was an Order member. She was frightened after that, spent a few hours in my lap later that night, trembling with fear, and whatever else she was entitled to feel, in my arms. And I remember pretending that it was she who needed to be held, that I was strong and didn't need her to hold me. To make me feel human again after what I'd just witnessed, the people, albeit Death Eaters, I'd killed.
The Death Eaters had butchered about 20 Muggles, making Remus's theory about the parallels between the Nazi's and Death Eaters true. Except Voldemort was a thousand time worse then ol' Hitler. We lost 10 Order members that awful night, and 16 Aurors and a handful of Death Eaters had been captured. Anyone else that came out alive out of that battle was in shock and was bloodied and bruised and spent a few hours at St. Mungos. But since Lily was in the Order, the Marauders came to our house to be healed.
Sirius, Piper and I had gone to the house later then the others, having to go to the Ministry to report to Moody. When we got home, Remus was sitting on the stool in the kitchen with Lily standing in front of him, lightly dabbing at a deep cut above his right eye with a cotton ball. She preferred to do things the Muggle Healer way when the cut was too close to somewhere vital. You could tell by Remus's expression that there was alcohol on the cotton ball. Peter was sitting at the other end of the counter, holding an ice pack to his head and Kat was holding a cloth to her arm, blood had made a big red dot on there.
And I was about to scream my head off, hating to see my friends in such a condition. Especially my wife, who had a very deep cut on her shoulder that caused her trouble for quite a long time. "James, you ok?" she had asked, putting Remus's hand on the cotton ball and brusquely coming towards me and holding my face in her hands as she examined me.
"I'm fine," I'd assured her, trying to blink away the fear from eyes. We'd fought side-by-side of course, well, back-to-back. I'd cussed out a few Death Eaters who'd dare send the Killing Curse at her.
"You sure?" she asked, feeling my face with her fingertips, to make sure I was there in one piece.
I grabbed her wrists and stared directly into her green eyes, "I'm fine, love," I said, "just got a bruised knee and might've twisted my ankle, but I'm fine. I promise."
She had nodded and gone to examine Piper and Sirius, sending me glances now and then as I sat by Kat, my head on her shoulder as we discussed what had happened. "Was Snape fighting on our side or theirs?"
"Theirs," Lily answered, "who do you think cut my shoulder?"
"Your shitting me," I said, my head to heavy to lift from Kat's shoulder.
Lily shook her head, and made Sirius yelp by applying something to his cut, "I recognized him by his voice. He said a spell I never heard of?"
"Sectusempra, right?" Kat asked quietly.
"Something like that, yeah," she nodded.
"That son-of-a-bitch," I muttered, seeing blood and a bigo bulls eye right in the middle of Snape's forehead.
"What does the curse do?" Lily asked, looking at the three Auror's with curiosity in those eyes.
"Remember 5th Year? After the exams when you yelled and James and I for picking on Snivellus?" Sirius asked.
She nodded, not a pleasant memory or moment in our relationship. She had yelled at me and called me arrogant and made me realize the error of my ways. A year later we were the hottest couple in Hogwarts.
"And remember when there was a huge gash on James's cheek when Snape got to his wand?" Piper asked Lily.
Lily nodded.
"Same spell Lils," I smiled sadly, tracing the scar on my cheek.
"Is that what that's from?" she asked, surprised.
I nodded.
"That little son-of-a-bitch," she muttered, making me chuckle, "that means he knew Dark Magic since he was a kid?"
"I think Snape's first words was a Dark curse," Piper muttered darkly.
"The mystery of Snape keeps getting more mysterious," Lily said, sitting down on the stool, having finished healing every one.
"And I seriously don't want to solve it," Kat said, pointing at Lily with her bear bottle.
A few minutes of silence passed and were broken by Sirius, "Peter, man, you still alive?"
"Huh? Yeah, why?" Peter asked, jumping a bit.
"Nothing, you just haven't said anything for a few hours, got a bit worried mate," Sirius said slapping him on the back as he passed him by on his way to the fridge.
"Oy, mate, get your head off my girls shoulder," Remus said, making Kat laugh as he dragged a stool and sat next to her, putting his head on her shoulder. I miss that redheaded, blue eyed beauty. She and I had the same birthday and our parents had known each other from the hospital when we were born. She was older than me by a few minutes and she always thanked me for introducing her to Remus. Kat was the greatest, most gentle friend. You talked to her and you felt like the most special person on earth, and you left your conversation with her with a smile on your lips and loved yourself. I've expressed my regrets for not trying hard enough to stop her from joining Voldemort ranks. But she pressed and had made up her mind, and died at the hands of her friend for the sake of us all. A martyr, you could say.
"Fine, jealous jackass," I said, and put my head on Lily's shoulder, "just know that I've known that girl since before you could even pronounce the word Kat."
"Come on now kids, let's not fight, I love you both very much," she assured us, patting our heads like we were puppies, "just on different levels."
"That's it Kat, I want a divorce," I said, slamming my fist on the counter.
"Oy! Forgetting about Lily?" Lily asked, smacking my head.
I turned my head on her shoulder and looked at her, kissing her soft cheek I murmured, "'course not, I love you best. I love you more than I love Sirius!"
"And that's saying something," Piper laughed.
"Oh, psh, fine! Just leave Sirius out like yesterday's trash!" he said, pouting.
"Oh come on Padfoot, you know I love more than I love Remus!" I said.
And it continued, we moved from Remus to Piper, and from Piper to Peter then to McGonagall.
Damn, I miss those simple days.
Lily, Sirius and I were snuck into the castle by Dumbledore himself for the first task, Piper and Nina were sitting in the stands. No one would really notice them, unless they looked closely at Nina, but I think the vicious dragons out there would divert everyone's attention. And we had made sure Nina understood that things would get a bit scary, she said she understood and wanted to go anyway. So we let her, provided that whenever she got too scared, Piper would send a massage through Lily's wand the two would return home with Nina. Sirius would remain in his dog form next to the couple Atticus Evans and his newest girlfriend, Delilah Jones. We would sit in the stands as a couple with their dog and watch the match and hope that Harry had figured out that Sirius had been trying to tell him to use his flying to pass the dragon.
The first few champions went, Harry was apparently last. Amos Diggory's son, an ass I knew from my days in the Ministry, Cedric, transfigured a rock into a dog to distract him. Smart idea but kind of dumb too, and it offended Sirius a bit. The Beauxbatons champion put the damn thing into a trance. Worked for a while then major disastero. And the Durmstrang champion, who turned out to be a world famous Seeker, blinded the dragon except the creature went psycho and nearly crushed the dude.
Then Harry Potter was announced and Lily painfully gripped my knee in anticipation. And Nina, who was sitting behind me, started clapping and calling out her brother's name. I caught Dumbledore sneaking a glance at her and smiling. Out of all the champions, and I say this as an objective spectator, Harry's technique had to be the best and most dangerous. He flew! I don't know how much Lily and I cursed and how many heart attacks we had as our son tried to get the damned egg, but he did. And did it in one piece, and Lily was so happy she started crying.
I decided to pay the champion a personal tribute and sent the little group home, and went to the Champions tent. "Atticus!" he exclaimed and ran to me from his group of friends.
"Hey, Harry," I smiled.
"Were you watching the task?" he asked excitedly.
"Yeah, wonderful job. Best out of all the other idiots," I smiled, clapping him on the shoulder, not failing to notice his arm was in a sling from where he'd gotten cut.
"Is that a compliment?" he asked with a smile.
I laughed and nodded, "damn good flyer," I nodded, mentally adding that he flew like his father, me.
"Thanks," he said a bit shyly.
"I thought I told you to stay out of trouble, or I'd be forced to kick your ass," I said narrowing my eyes.
"Well, this isn't exactly my idea," Harry said and explained to me everything I already knew about the goblet choosing him.
"Be careful Harry," I told him, "be as paranoid as you can, it'll keep you alive."
He nodded, staring at his shoes.
"And promise to write me when you need anything, deal?"
"Deal," he smiled, "you haven't noticed, have you?" he smiled slyly.
"Noticed what?" I asked, frowning.
"I'm wearing your sweatshirt," he smiled.
I laughed and recognized the sweatshirt I'd given him long ago. It was still a bit too big for the scrawny teenager, but it fit him a bit better.
"Thanks Atticus," he said and hugged me, knocking out all my breath from shock.
When I recovered, I put my arms around him and planted a kiss in his unruly hair, "you're very welcome, for whatever."
He chuckled as I pulled back.
"I have to get going, you do too, won't do for you stay out here," I squeezed his shoulder, "be careful," mentally I added son.
AN: I busted my ass trying to get this typed (just ask my editor AMBER:) how fast i'd typped this chapter to get it up LOL) I hope you guys liked it! REVIEW OR I DIE! Lol. Seriously, it's a curse on me. if someone reads this story and doesn't review, ten years are taken off my life! Lol. Love you all! ROCK ON! -Mav