Author's Note:
Another E3 comes and goes, and holy shit. Playable. Ridley.
I'm still blown away by that. He was my most desired newcomer, but I was admittedly in the "never gonna happen" camp- ten years of "He's too big" jokes don't just spontaneously occur. But now he's in, he's big, and he's looking to tussle.
Also, literally everybody else. Pichu, Young Link, SNAKE… all of 'em. This actually changes some of the plans I had for the cut characters in the story, but only a little; all of 'em were gonna show up eventually, but I was planning on killing some of them off in sociopathically-comical ways under the assumption they'd never return anyway.
As I said in a previous note, this story is going to stay focused on Smash 4 mostly, though I might rework the ending a little to lead it into Ultimate. Of course, that creates a bit of a plothole of the fourth Smash Bros. tournament never actually occurring… I'll find a way. For now, enjoy the chapter and don't think too hard about Ultimate.
Published 6/22/18
6/28/18 Edit: Silly me, I accidentally replaced Chapter 20 with an exact replica of this chapter. And here I thought the identical word counts was just a funny coincidence. It's fixed, now, so if this chapter didn't make sense please read the previous one!
1001 Dreamlandian Knights
- Ylisstol –
The Blue Falcon screeched to a halt back down in temperate lands; the one-person vehicle was even more crowded now that it held fourteen people (Twelve Smash Bros. and two local Shepherds), but it somehow managed. As soon as Captain Falcon popped open the top its contents exploded out like one of those prank jars filled with toy snakes, leaving everyone in a heap outside the vehicle.
The palace at Ylisstol hadn't changed since Robin and Lucina's departure, but the massive airship parked outside was new. The massive Meta Knight mask covering the bow of the ship immediately clued them into the identity of the owner, and the toppled trees surrounding the area clued them into how skillful a parking job he performed.
"Welcome… to the Battleship Halberd!" said owner announced.
"It's… really big. How does it even float on the sea?" Robin asked.
"Pfft, please. Where it goes, it doesn't need seas."
"I-"
"It's an airship, Robin. It flies," Ness quickly cut him off.
"…You know what? Cool. I'm not going to question the superscience here, just accept that I live in a miserably-stagnant world of ye olde magic and loincloths."
"You're the worst descendants ever." Marth muttered.
"Okay, I've got an important thing to do here, now," Meta Knight declared. "Chrom, Lucina, Robin, and… uh… Toon Link need to come with me into the palace, everybody else can go get cozy in the Halberd. Speaking of which, there's a familiar face waiting in there for you guys."
"Ooh, I bet it's King Dedede or Kirby!" Ness speculated. "Been a while since I've seen either of 'em."
"Uh, no, don't get your hopes up too high," Meta Knight tempered their expectations. "Chrom, could you please enter before us and go get the… other visitor down to meet us?"
"Other visitor…? Oh, I know who you mean. Gods, you Smash Bros. sure are crazy, with all this time travel nonsense! No offense, Lucina."
As Meta Knight, the Fire Emblem crew, and Toon Link marched into the palace, the rest of the assorted Smash Bros. made their way over to the Halberd- sans Olimar, who was still engaged in a scientific debate with Miriel over the central nervous systems or lack thereof of the Pikmin.
Ness rapped hard against one of the Halberd's entry hatches, a metallic knock resonating throughout the vessel. "Maybe it's Samus. Or Zelda. They're pretty cute." He smiled and shifted around nervously. "Lucina's the only girl I've seen in four days and she's flat as an ironing board."
"A real man appreciates and respects a woman no matter her looks! You're just a boy." Jigglypuff declared.
"Wait, no, four days and two thousand years, holy shit. Also, shove off. Is it too much to just want to see a hot chick? There better be one behind this door right now."
The hatch opened, and they were greeted by none other than Dr. Mario, rubbing his eyes and wearing nothing but a very open lab coat and a large stethoscope that mercifully dangled over his nethers. He yawned. "Good morning. How can I help all you?"
Ness crossed his arms and smiled. "Well, on the bright side, I'll be too dead to be traumatized by this later. At least, I hope I'll be dead. Can we fly this thing into that mountain over there?"
Dr. Mario perked up at this. "Oh, is it time to leave already? Yeah, yeah, come on in. I was just keeping busy practicing medicine on the locals."
At that moment, another of Chrom's Shepherds hobbled by. It was the axe fighter Vaike, whose head was surgically replaced with his left foot and whose left foot was surgically replaced with his head. Despite his upside-down view and awkward gait, he didn't seem particularly perturbed. "The Vaike used to be a legend, but now he's a leg-end! Har har!"
The Smash Bros. turned to look at Dr. Mario, who simply shrugged. "Like I said, practicing."
Meta Knight, Toon Link, Lucina, and Robin entered the throne room of the palace. Chrom was, surprisingly, sitting upon the throne, already dressed up in his regalia even though he only got in a minute or two before the others. "Ah, welcome home, Princess Lucina, Royal Tactician Robin. And greetings to the masked swordsman, Meta Knight, and… this boy with very large eyes."
"Father, you don't have to do all this, you were just walking with us a few minutes ago."
"Nonsense, I'm the Exalt, and I should act like it. I'm too busy with my kingly duties for this Smash Bros. tournament, which is why only the two of you received invites."
"Oh, gods, he's starting with this again…" Robin muttered.
"Father, let it go."
"Of course, if that Master Hand fellow changes his mind, I'm sure I could find a way to squeeze it into my schedule."
"Father."
"I could always-"
"Father!"
"Okay, fine, sheesh." He turned away from the four before him, and shouted to the side. "Sir Meta Knight! You have visitors here to see you!"
Robin and Lucina glanced back and forth between Meta Knight and Chrom, confused, but the former held up his hand. "Wait for it."
A second Meta Knight stepped out from a nearby chamber. "Visitors? Who could possibly-" He froze upon seeing his other self. "Uh…"
"Hello, past me. You have a long quest ahead of you." And with that, the older Meta Knight launched into a lengthy explanation for his younger self. "Once you enter that portal, you'll need to find these two-" He gestured at Robin and Lucina "-on an island to the north. Make sure to bring extra garlic, you'll need it for you-know-who. You'll get Olimar and Toon Link-"
"That's me!"
"I know that," the younger Meta Knight announced.
"He knows that. -Not too long afterward, and then your team of six will-"
"Hold on, hold on, what is going on here? Why is there a second me?"
"Don't worry, I was really confused when I was you."
Robin ran his hands through his hair. "I'm really confused now too. Can you please elucidate us, Meta Knight?"
"Hey, I'm just as confused as you are."
"I meant my Meta Knight!"
Robin's Meta Knight spoke. "Okay, first of all, nomenclature… hmm… let's call me 'Meta Knight 2' and that one 'Meta Knight 1'. So here's what happened. Back when I was Meta Knight 1, I arrived here in my Halberd through a gigantic rift in timespace, thrown off by its appearance in conjunction with the upcoming Super Smash Bros. tournament. When I got here, the locals freaked out- not so much because of my unconventional anatomy or gigantic airship, but because apparently I fulfilled an ancient prophecy."
"That's why we went up north and found you all frozen in the cave!" Chrom announced.
"Indeed. I stayed here, and then this exact meeting happened, but I was Meta Knight 1 instead of Meta Knight 2. I was confused as hell, and the Meta Knight 2 of my time was being a cryptic asshole with a bunch of esoteric hints- which, as the new Meta Knight 2, I am obligated to parrot to Meta Knight 1 at risk of creating a time paradox, sorry -but nevertheless, I traveled through the same rift you took to get to Toon Link's world, found you, and the rest is history. Pretty simple, no?"
At that exact moment, a small rift opened up inside the palace itself, and spat out two more Meta Knights before closing.
"Oh, gods, now what?!" Lucina gawked. Everybody else seemed surprised as well except for Meta Knight 2.
The new Meta Knight 3 cleared his throat. "Just ignore us for now."
"That's kinda hard to do…" Robin noted warily.
Meta Knight 4 took his turn. "Look, this one gets resolved a lot faster than the main one. Just keep talking, Meta Knight 2, we're going to just sit silently in the corner until we're needed."
Toon Link grinned, apparently having a good time. "Oh, man, this is really screwing with my head."
Meta Knight 2 cleared his throat. "Okay, right. So, Meta Knight 1, there's a portal not too far from here. It'll take you to Toon Link's world, but you'll find Robin and Lucina there. Bring garlic, yadda yadda, I already said this part. You'll soon wind up finding Olimar, and Toon Link in a very unexpected place."
"It's a really phat hiding place!" Toon Link chimed in.
"Indeed. Then, in this world's past, you shall double your squad. It won't be easy or as straightforward as just walking up to them and saying 'hi', though. Be ready for a fierce battle in a coliseum. Also make sure this one-" He gestured at Robin again "-gets ice magic at some point. Feel free to really ride him over it."
Robin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Then you'll go north to Ferox, and my past self will freeze everyone solid in an icy cave."
"Hey, come on, don't interrupt Meta Knight's explanation, you'll create a time paradox," Chrom interjected.
"Oh, no, it's fine, he did this when I was Meta Knight 1, too. It would cause a paradox if he didn't. Anyway, Meta Knight 1, once you're unfrozen, obviously you'll want to come back here to take your turn as Meta Knight 2. Oh, and don't forget to create a prophecy so that people will actually find you and thaw you out."
Meta Knight 1 was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Simple enough. When do I start?"
"Hold on, we've got another one of us coming in five seconds. Oh, and brace yourself."
Yet another portal opened, and a fifth Meta Knight spilled out. This one was looking battered, bruised, and tired. He staggered up onto his feet. "Oh, so that's how I get back here and become Meta Knight 5!" Before anybody could question his arrival, he ran over to Meta Knights 1 and 2, grabbed both of them by the wrist with just one hand, and ran back towards the portal he arrived in. Neither one protested, though Meta Knight 1 was definitely more confused than Meta Knight 2. Meta Knight 5 shouted in Robin's direction. "Robin! Book me!"
Without even thinking, Robin pulled out his ice tome and threw it to Meta Knight 5, who caught it with his free hand. He dove back into his portal, dragging the other two Meta Knights with him. The portal closed almost immediately afterward, and the throne room was silent.
Lucina broke the silence. "So, uh… now what?"
"I guess I'm not getting my book back, am I?"
Meta Knight 4 stepped back into the spot where Meta Knight 2 had been standing, and Meta Knight 3 took Meta Knight 1's place. The former spoke. "Okay, we're Meta Knights 2 and 1, Meta Knight 5 just sent us back to this room a little earlier than we left."
Meta Knight 3, or 1, scratched his head. "I have no idea what happened in there. There was a lot of spinning in a psychedelic void, and then we got ejected back here."
Meta Knight 4, or 2, corroborated the story. "That was my second time doing that, and I'm still just as clueless as you. Which means you'll be just as clueless when you're me. Ah, well, a mystery for when we're Meta Knight 5, yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Anyway, it's nice that it's back down to just two Meta Knights, but now we should probably go our separate ways. You've got some Smash Bros. to gather, and I've got to take them to the tournament. Mind if I jack your ride?"
Meta Knight 1 shrugged, and tossed Meta Knight 2 the keys to the Halberd. As he took his leave, Lucina and Robin glanced around in confusion.
"Okay, so… you're the Meta Knight we traveled with, right?" Lucina asked.
"Well, I mean, we're all the same guy. But yes. Now let's get going, I don't think I can trust Dr. Mario with the Halberd for more than a few hours."
Chrom waved them out. "Have fun, you guys! Are you sure you don't want me to tag along?"
"Chrom."
"Or maybe I could show up for your super move, Robin! …You all have super moves, right?"
"Chrom!"
"Ugh, fine! I don't want to be part of that stupid tournament anyway."
Toon Link got in the last word as they left. "Did you guys know that whine is made from sour grapes?"
- Spear Pillar –
Dialga and Palkia were powerful, reverent figures in Pokémon mythology; one governed the flow of time, and the other held dominion over the very fabric of space itself. Eons were like nanoseconds to Dialga, and a parsec was like an angstrom to Palkia.
And yet the group of gathered Smash Bros. standing before them held little respect for such deities. This is because the deities, for all their vast power, could not actually command the respect their stations should accord.
"THE CURRENT TIME IS 5:48 AM." Dialga bellowed, gazing down upon the Smash Bros.
"Whoa, gotta watch out for that Roar of Time technique, everyone," Pikachu cautioned the others.
"SO. YOU WANT US TO SEND YOU TO A DIFFERENT DIMENSION." Palkia's voice boomed, summarizing an unwritten meeting and exchange for the reader's benefit.
"You have the right of it, yes," Charizard concurred.
"IT IS OUR BROTHER-"
"SISTER?"
"…SIBLING, GIRATINA, WHO HOLDS JURISDICTION OVER THE POWER OF INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL. I AM PALKIA, ARBITER OF SPACE."
"I AM DIALGA, ARBITER OF TIME. IT IS 5:49 AM."
"Nobody cares," Bowser sneered.
Samus chose to steer the conversation back on track. "Well, can you put us in touch with this Giratina thing? They're the only one we haven't met yet."
"GIRATINA HAS NOT LEFT ITS DIMENSION IN FIVE WEEKS. NOT SINCE THE RUPTURING OF REALITY CAUSED BY ONE 'CIA'."
"Well, that sucks. Any way we can get into that cozy little world?"
"NO. HOWEVER, IT WILL LEAVE TO ASSIST YOU TOWARD THE END OF YOUR ADVENTURE," Dialga added. "SO SAYS THE IMMUTABLE FLOW OF TIME. ALSO, IT IS NOW 5:50 AM."
At that moment, Rayquaza slithered up to the peak, the ground-reconnaissance-and-Lucario-retrieval team on his back. "Morning, Palkia. Morning, Dialga."
"IT IS INDEED CURRENTLY MORNING."
The Smash Bros. disembarked from Rayquaza's back, dragging the unconscious Greninja across the stone path of the Spear Pillar. Rayquaza gave a lazy salute to them. "You guys good now? I want to get back home in time to watch my soaps."
"What soap opera broadcasts at the crack of dawn?" Kirby asked.
"Err… don't worry about it. Forget I said anything." With that, Rayquaza bolted away through the sky, returning home to make sure its collection of hand soaps, dish detergents, and shampoo didn't do anything while it was gone.
Shulk and Pit walked over to the mountain's edge to stare off into the horizon, their minds still blown from their worldviews being torn apart last chapter. Pit in particular was shaken by the realization that things weren't as black and white as he believed. A cold, empty feeling raced through his head and wouldn't go away.
Hello, darkness, my old friend…
I've come to talk with you again…
More relevantly to the story, Mario dropped off Greninja before the other half of the Smash Bros. "We got-a two Pokémon to join us down there."
Pikachu examined the newcomer. "Neat, a Greninja. …He looks tough, let's nerf him into the ground so things are easier for us in the tournament."
"That doesn't even make sense. How would we do that?" Kirby questioned.
"Well, we could cut off an arm or a leg."
"You're a sociopath."
"Hey, I don't like bloodshed, it's just a side-effect of mutilating others for a competitive advantage."
"That doesn't rebut my statement, it just reinforces it."
"Let's talk about something happier, guys! Like this new guy's tongue! We have something in common!" Yoshi cheered.
"AHEM." Palkia cleared its throat.
"Hey, it'sh… Penish-Head! Hi, Penish-Head!" Zelda waved at the cephalophallic primordial being.
"I REMEMBER YOU. YOU BROKE A BEER BOTTLE OVER MY KNEECAP WHEN FIGHTING HERE."
"IT WAS NOT A BEER BOTTLE. IT WAS A WINE BOTTLE," Dialga corrected, using its vast temporal powers to look into the past. "BUT NEXT TIME IT WILL BE A BEER BOTTLE. IT IS 5:53 AM."
"REGARDLESS, THOUGH IT IS TRUE THAT GIRATINA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL, THE POWER HELD BY DIALGA AND MYSELF CAN, IF COMBINED, BE USED TO SEND YOU ALL TO ANOTHER WORLD."
"How does… that work?" Lucario asked.
"SCIENCE MAGIC."
"Is that… so?"
"YES. WHERE IS IT THAT WE SHALL SEND YOU?"
Samus pondered the question. "Well, we've still got a whole bunch more people to get. King Dedede, Falco, Meta Knight, Sonic, Luigi…"
Donkey Kong cleared his throat. "If I may posit my thoughts on this subject? I am currently the only primate in this entourage who is not a member of the homo sapiens species. The other of my ilk is currently absent, is he not?"
"Oh, no…" Pikachu interjected.
"Now, now, I know my nephew's behavior can be grating at times, but he is a Smash Bros. constituent, and I will not temerate that connection for the appeasement of others."
"Ugh, not him… Come on, can't we just go somewhere else first?"
"Well, we have to get him at some point regardless, so it may as well be now," Samus pointed out.
"But then we have to put up with him the whole rest of the journey!" Mr. Game & Watch complained.
"Can we not… just save him for last?" Lucario suggested.
Donkey Kong raised a finger. "Come now, the world is coming apart, and we need all hands on deck. When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle."
Pikachu also raised a finger, but not the same one as DK. "Yeah, but Diddy is not good men."
"Would you really rather put up with Ike, Dedede, Wario, or anybody like that?"
Pikachu conceded defeat. "…Fair enough. Fiiiine, let's get Diddy Dong."
"I don't know what you're all complaining about! Those are all wonderful people to be around!" Yoshi smiled.
"VERY WELL. WE SHALL SEND YOU TO THE JUNGLES OF DONKEY KONG'S HOME." Palkia and Dialga concentrated, and before long were able to manifest a rift not unlike the ones created by Cia. It swirled invitingly over the ground of the Spear Pillar. "INCIDENTALLY, WE SHALL SEE YOU AGAIN ONCE THE SMASH BROS. TOURNAMENT BEINGS. DIALGA AND I HAVE RECEIVED INVITATIONS TO PARTICIPATE AS POKÉBALL SUMMONS."
"THAT WILL NOT HOLD TRUE FOR ME. OUR SIBLING GIRATINA PREVIOUSLY NEGOTIATED TO HIJACK MY POSITION, AND MASTER HAND WILL SIGN OFF ON THAT REPLACEMENT IN THE FUTURE. ALSO, IT IS 5:56 AM."
"Bro, fuck off with the 'time and temperature from TD-ialga' bullshit," Bowser finally snapped.
Dialga's reaction was immediate. "YOU DARE TAKE SUCH A TONE WITH DIALGA, GOD OF TIME? I WHO WAS BORN BEFORE THE WORLD, I THE SCION OF ARCEUS, I WHO EMBODIES THE PAST, CONTROLS THE PRESENT, AND BEARS WITNESS TO THE FUTURE? WHAT MISERABLE MORTAL WHELP ARE YOU TO MAKE MOCKERY OF A GOD?"
"Sheesh, calm down."
"I HAVE SEEN YOUR FUTURE, WRITHING MORTAL. ALL OF YOUR FUTURE ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS ARE VISIBLE BEFORE ME, IMMUTABLE AND INEVITABLE. HOW DOES IT FEEL, MORTAL, TO KNOW THAT YOUR FUTURE IS PRE-ORDAINED? THAT YOUR 'FREE WILL' IS BUT A DELUSION OF A LESSER MIND?"
"Question."
"YES?"
"If you can see into the future, does that mean you can see your own future?"
"OF COURSE. SUCH OBSERVATION IS WELL WITHIN MY POWER."
"So if you can see your own future, doesn't that mean yours is all pre-destined and crap too?"
"WHAT? I NEVER… THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY BEFORE. OH. Ohhh, no. My whole life is a sham. I have no free will." Dialga's mind was blown, and it stomped over to join Pit and Shulk in staring off into space. It slumped down next to them and allowed the dark thoughts race through its brain.
HELLO, DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND…
I'VE COME TO TALK AT 6:00 AM…
"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE NOW," Palkia groaned. "JUST… JUST GO. GET OUT OF HERE."
Bowser literally picked up Shulk and Pit, taking them away from the newest member of their club, while Lucario threw Greninja over his shoulder. They all disappeared through the hole, which Palkia promptly closed. "COME BACK TO YOUR PODIUM, DIALGA. I HATE WHEN YOU DO THIS."
"What's the point? I'm sure if I looked into the future I'd see my future self eventually go back to normal, but what does that mean? Do I have any say in the matter? What's the point of it all? I am cursed to see my own future yet helpless to alter it."
"SIGH." Palkia was silent for a few minutes, then had a thought. "…HEY, DIALGA. I SEEM TO HAVE MISPLACED MY WATCH. YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW-"
Dialga immediately snapped back to normal. "IT IS CURRENTLY 6:04 AM."
- Jungle Hijinx –
"Okay… Diddy's obviously not here. Let's go somewhere else instead."
Mario sighed. "We literally just-a got here, Pikachu."
"Perhaps he is… over there?" Lucario gestured to a jungle ridge in the distance, on a whole different z-axis from the canopy and cliffs the fighters currently stood on. Diddy was indeed over there, waving and hollering to them excitedly, but was too far away to be heard.
Mr. Game & Watch leaned forward, getting a good look. "Dagnabbit, he's too far away. I guess we can't reach him. Don't say we didn't try."
Samus sighed. "Knock it off, you guys. Donkey Kong, how do we get over there?"
"Ah, well, these Barrel Cannons will launch us over into the background layer- err, that is to say, the distant cliffsides." He demonstrated by hopping into one, and true to his word he was launched over to the background layer.
Peach admired the barrels, and Donkey Kong's now-distant form. "This is a stage, right? Smash Bros. battles on multiple planes? Whatever shall they think of next?"
Greninja bolted awake and jumped out of Lucario's grasp. "…Oh-ho! And that is what happens when you face off against-" He took in his surroundings, confused. "…How did we get here? Oh, no! Don't tell me… The Great Greninja… lost?!"
"Yep," Kirby answered bluntly.
"Ah, well. Hmm. So be it! As a reward for your triumphant triumph over the vast powers I command, said powers are now yours to, uh, command. I am hereby at your disposal!"
"I wish we could dispose of you," Pikachu added.
"You may call upon me to do your bidding!"
"Okay. See that barrel over there?"
"Of course! It shall stand no match against my Water Shuriken!"
"No, no, jump inside it."
Greninja did as asked and was launched toward the back layer. However, his flight was intercepted by a massive Screaming Pillar rising in his path, which he splatted painfully against.
"HAH!" Pikachu's mirth was short-lived, however, as the pillar shrieked, tipped over, and landed on him, crushing him flat. Only his tail stuck out from beneath.
Greninja clambered around to stand atop the pillar, and hopped down onto regular ground. "A sneaky attack by the Howling Totem of a Thousand Pained Souls, but nothing a master of ninjutsu can't overcome!"
"Are you two… quite done?" Lucario asked.
"Yes, yes."
"Mmmrmmmphmmm," Pikachu concurred.
Charizard struggled to lift the pillar up off of Pikachu, but could only raise it a few inches. Thankfully, Villager helped out, grabbing Pikachu by the tail and sliding him out. He held his furry yellow prize up in celebration, leaving Pikachu dangling from his grasp. "Put me back on the ground or I put you in the ground."
Meanwhile, on the other plane, Donkey Kong had reached Diddy, as had several of their comrades. Diddy jumped over to greet them all. "Hey! Hey! It's you guys! I'm so excited to see you! Hey! Where are we going, huh? Is it time for Smash Bros.? It's time for Smash Bros., isn't it? Hey! Let's go!" He climbed all over his uncle Donkey, who simply sighed.
"It's good to see you too, nephew. Yes, you presume correctly in regard to Smash Bros."
He dropped down from Donkey Kong's arm, hanging by his tail. "Hey! Cool! Who are these guys? Who's the lady in the blue dress? What's the yellow thing?"
"I am Rosalina, seer of the cosmos! And this adorable child of mine is a Luma."
"Hey, how does a human give birth to a star? Sounds painful!"
"Oh, no, not literally my child. The Lumas are-"
"Boring! Who's the red vest guy?"
Rosalina frowned. Shulk didn't respond to Diddy's inquisition, still zoned out. That finally ended when Bowser socked him in the gut. "Oo-hoof! …I'm Shulk. Pleasure to meet you."
"Hey! Pleasure to meet you too! Can I try out that sword? I wanna use it! Lemme have a go!" Diddy began trying to wrest the Monado from Shulk's back, despite the latter's protests.
"N-no! The Monado isn't a toy, it's-"
Diddy stopped and pointed at the foreground. "Who's the frog guy over there? Is he a Pokémon? Hey, let's have a practice fight here! I bet I could take on a team of Peach and Mario! Hey, DK! Be my partner!"
Mr. Game & Watch leaned in toward Donkey Kong. "See, this is what we're all going to have to deal with now."
"Yes, I realize he's a handful, but he's my nephew and I love him unconditionally."
"He's giving me a condition."
- Aboard the Halberd -
Meta Knight inserted his key into the Halberd's ignition, and gave it a good, hard twist. The engines flared up, the wings extended, and Meta Knight serenely gripped the helm. "So, how do you guys like this? A lot less cramped than Olimar's rocket or Falcon's car, yeah?"
Lucina responded, looking out over the landscape as the ship began to lift up off the ground. "It's certainly a step up, that's for sure."
"I'll say. This thing is so big I could probably get lost in it…" Pac-Man noted, then slapped himself. "Err, not that I get lost in mazes! I'm the best at those."
Dr. Mario (thankfully clothed now) kicked back in one of the bridge's chairs. "Honestly, I'm just glad to be back. I certainly wasn't expecting that Smash Bros. logo in my mailbox! I almost threw it into the incinerator with all that 'litigation' junk mail I get."
Pac-Man noted the not-so-newcomer "I'm sorry, we haven't met yet, have we? My name is Pac-Man, but you've probably heard of me at some point. I'm a bit of an arcade icon…"
"I'm Dr. Mario! Pleased to meet you!"
"Wait, you're the Mario? …I thought he wore overalls."
"Ah, no, I'm a Mario. Dr. Mario, to be precise. You're thinking of my other self."
"Um, I can-a explain…" Luigi joined in. "This is an alternate universe version of-a my bro! He went into medicine instead of the family plumbing business like-a my Mario…"
"Yep! My parents never forgave me for that, called me a disappointment. But I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters! No family, Smash Bros. exclusion, or irate medical board can take that away from me."
Meta Knight added his own commentary. "By the way, he'll be our on-site doctor at the mansion, so if you get injured, he'll treat you."
"Why does that make me feel uneasy…?" Lucina asked to no one in particular.
The Halberd was now fully off the ground, and began to accelerate through the air. As it approached the ocean, a massive-ass hole to another world came into view. "Okay, here's the itinerary. This portal will take us to Corneria, in the Star Fox world. We'll refill this baby's gas tank there, 'cause it's low, then we'll go through another portal leading back to my home world. That's how I got here. From there, we can figure out our next move. Still not sure why all these holes appeared everywhere to begin with, though."
"Probably just Master Hand screwing up! Remember when he accidentally sent Roy to the Realm of Infinite Pointy Needles after the Melee tournament, instead of back home?" Dr. Mario recalled.
Marth shuddered. "That was obviously a coded message to me about my potential fate."
"No, I'm pretty sure it was what we in the medical business call an 'oopsie', where it's an honest accident but you don't really care about the consequences."
Meta Knight chuckled. "I wasn't there for that, but it sounds hilarious! Either way, I'm sure there's no nefarious reason for all these holes, and they'll be fixed once everybody's back where they belong." The massive airship disappeared into the hole, finally transporting its crew out of the Fire Emblem world. Meta Knight gave the wheel a cheerful spin. "Yep, nothing nefarious whatsoever!"
- Unknown Realm –
A Primid sprinted into Cia's conference hall and saluted his mistress. "Lady Cia, I bring urgent news from Master Porky! Do you recall that massive-ass hole between the Fire Emblem and Star Fox universes? The one from your nefarious experiment with dimensional bridging?"
"They're all from my nefarious experiment. But what news could that waste of space possibly have for me? Did the hole start spewing forth endless pork rinds?"
"No, uh, something about… 'doing his'… uh… what's the word that has an 'o' in the middle of it…? 'Job'!"
"…If this is a waste of my time, I'm executing him on the spot."
"But Lady Cia, isn't Master Porky immortal?"
"Oh, right, I keep forgetting. Then I'll just execute you, messenger."
"That sounds like a good trade! Gosh, you're such a benevolent leader, Lady Cia!"
Cia took her time making the walk down the hall to the command center, enjoying the Primid's praise all the while. The command center was abuzz with assorted minions frantically manning computers; one Pigmask captain was still playing Solitaire instead of doing work, which Cia noted.
"I'm not going to kill him, I'm going to do something far eviler than that."
Also occupying the room was a massive asshole, Porky Minch, sitting in an excessively-comfy chair and barking wheezy orders at a pair of Pigmasks operating the controls of a large monitor.
"Well, Porky? This innocent messenger's life depends on what kind of news you dragged me out here for."
Porky coughed. "Hey, you told me to pull my weight and find the Smash Bros., didn't you?! I did my job like you asked." He lifted his flabby, wrinkly arm and pointed at the monitor.
"This is just the Cornerian skyline. See all the Arwings flying around?"
"Yeah, but look at that one!" He pointed out one plane in the distance that was much bigger and clunkier. The massive Meta Knight mask covering the bow of the ship immediately clued Cia into the identity of the owner.
"…Oh, well, this is interesting. Random messenger, you get to live another day."
"A blessing from the great goddess Lady Cia!" The Primid saluted again, as did a nearby Sword Primid. Somehow, they both lost their heads as a result of the latter, even though they were two meters apart.
"Well, that death isn't on me, so nobody say I didn't hold up my end of the bargain! …Get your tired old body ready, Porky, you've got a field assignment coming up. We've got some Smash Bros. that need to be smashed."
"But I just completed this assignment!" Porky whined.
"Yes. That's how jobs work. You complete one task and move onto the next."
"You didn't even thank me, either… After I spent days tirelessly sitting around watching our spy feeds!" Porky launched into a coughing fit, and his dentures fell out, clattering to the floor. "Mmmp!"
Cia took a step back. "That is disgusting!"
"Mmm mm mot a mmg mll." Porky snapped his fingers, and a low-level Pigmask picked up the false teeth and inserted them back into Porky's mouth.
"See? Not a big deal. Aha ha ha." Porky coughed, and clacked his teeth a few times.
"That's even more disgusting. My god, man, imagine how many filthy minion feet stepped on that floor tile! You're not even going to rinse them off at least?"
"…You know what? No, I won't. What do you think of that, Cia?" Porky grinned in defiance, dust and grime visible within.
"Suit yourself, but our dental plan doesn't cover mouth fungi."
The Pigmask captain who was wasting computer resources swiveled around in his chair. "It doesn't?! Oh, shit!" He threw his plate of wild rice and mushrooms into the waste bin and ran into the bathroom.
"Idiot. You can't get a fungal infection from eating cooked…" Cia trailed off, eyeing the digital card game just a few moves away from completion. She strummed her fingers along the unattended console with a smirk, then jabbed the power button with her foot. "Oops."
Porky coughed nervously. "Wow, you really are an evil overlord, ain'tcha?"
"And proud!"
As Cia left the room, the Pigmask captain returned from washing out his mouth, and noticed the blackened screen at his work station. Beneath his cyan mask, his face fell. He remained there in his chair for hours, staring off unfocusedly, even as others clocked out for the night.
Hello, darkness, my old friend…
I've come to talk with you again…
Arrested Development is a good show. I'm glad it's got a fifth season now.