Chapter 20- Finding My Way.

Mississippi/ Alabama/ Florida/ Georgia 1920-1922.

The vampire life I've chosen to lead is not easy. Every instinct I have screams at me to hunt, to feed, to stalk the humans that walk so carelessly on the earth and slaughter them for my own needs. All my senses and abilities and skills are honed to perfection for one end- the luring and killing of human prey. The scent of blood taunts me and the heartbeats are like constant drums, beating out my tattoo of desire, calling to me seductively and promising endless delights. Every minute of the day and night I fight against it, pitting my will against the centuries of conditioning that have made vampires what they are. I feel like a tiny sapling trying desperately to stay upright in a tempest, but every hour that goes past without a killing strengthens my resolve and every animal I drain in place of a human builds up my resistance until the day comes that I can walk among them, strong and steady and sure in my ability to resist.

I make mistakes, sometimes. Wrong person, wrong place…unexpected and unprepared for…thirst too overwhelmingly scorching and desire too strong to resist and I take someone down. It tears my heart out when I do and only strengthens my determination to succeed at this. I remember the ruthless slaughter of my newborn days with horror now.

Worse than the thirst though, worse even than the guilt of mistakes, is the loneliness. As I walk through the world I have no one, and even surrounded by humans I cannot reach out to anyone until I can trust myself not to hurt them. There's like a great dark chasm of sorrow and loneliness inside me that threatens to swallow me up, and it's only the knowledge of what I have coming to me eventually that holds me together and forces me to keep moving.

Every day I close my eyes and think of him, letting the visions come to me. Jasper. I see the two of us together and I feel the love, and there are days when the loneliness is so bleak that it is the only thing that gives me the will to continue. We've never met but I know him so intimately, his crooked smile and the dark golden eyes that will look at me so tenderly, the scarred body that tells so many stories…I wish I could sleep and meet him in dreams as I did in the burning. I repeat the words of the poem I still carry in my pocket and write his name in the sand with my fingertips and cling to the belief that every day brings me closer to him.

I think of the Cullens too. They are harder to see in my mind than Jasper, and sometimes the visions don't make sense and I can't connect them, but the certainty that they are my family and I will be one of them never wavers.

Occasionally I have a vision of such clarity and strength it frightens me. One night I stop in the middle of a hunt and scream as the world around me shifts. I'm on the top of a cliff, wind whipping my hair and then the water rushes up to meet me, faster and faster, the waves on the rocks wicked and deadly in their beauty and I scream again as it all vanishes and I'm back, just Alice, down on my knees in the forest and shaking with terror. Esme. I know it's her, but the cliffs were nowhere I recognised and there is nothing I can do to help her.

I'm almost too afraid to look for her after that, but when I tremblingly close my eyes to better able my mind's eye to see her, I'm rewarded with a clearer vision than I've ever had before, of her with Carlisle. He's…biting her, and suddenly I open my eyes and laugh, my terror giving way to a sudden blinding flash of happiness. He's found her. Esme and Carlisle are together now.

The visions come a little easier after that, especially of Esme and Carlisle and Edward. I have no way to know, at least not now, but it makes me think that the three of them are together, and that Rosalie and Emmett are somewhere else. Maybe they're still human or maybe they're roaming alone like me. I wonder if they know the future they have waiting for them.

I don't want to be alone. The loneliness is my strongest motivation against the thirst really- I know I have to master this diet before I will find Jasper or the Cullens. I still believe that's some time away, but until I am not a threat even the company of humans isn't possible for me. I roam the coast and then turn inland, and months go by without me speaking to another soul.

I wish fiercely for Garrett, and sometimes I even whisper the name of the Volturi and see that alternate future for me, knowing that if I choose that I will not need to wait. I can go to Aro today and hold his hands; he will see into my soul and welcome me with open arms for what I am able to do. Occasionally I am so lonely I'm almost tempted, but I see what I will become and I know it's not what I'm really meant to do. I cannot become the nightmare with the red eyes of blood and the compassionless face of the monster.

I will be Alice Cullen. I will hunt animals with Jasper by my side and I will love him in the forest and then go home to my family, Carlisle and Esme, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie. We will walk among the humans and I will never be lonely again.

Then the day comes that I notice it starting to become easier. The thirst is still constant, but I'm almost able to ignore it for stretches of time. The longer I go without human blood the easier it is to resist, and the better the animal blood tastes. I test myself, tentatively spending more time among the humans. I walk through towns. I take a seat in a tea shop and pretend to sip a cup of tea while I watch out the window, listening to the heartbeats around me, the delicious blood thrumming through so many veins, a smile curving my mouth as I sit demurely and see the reflection of my golden eyes in the mirror behind the counter. I can do this.

I do make them uneasy though, the humans. It disappoints me that despite all my efforts to appear friendly and normal and ordinary their latent instincts perk up in the presence of the predator I really am and they are nervous around me. I redouble my efforts to blend in, spending hours watching intently from park benches and tea shop tables and hotel lounges and storing up mannerisms and actions and behaviours in my mind so that I can mimic them when I need to.

I get better at it. I reluctantly concede that Garrett was right when he said that dressing as a boy would allow me greater freedom. On one of my thieving expeditions one night I take a leather satchel and some trousers and a shirt and vest and cap, so that when it seems prudent I can pack my pretty Alice clothes away and become Albert. Dressed as a boy I'm able to slink through the cities and towns without attracting attention and explore a whole different element of humanity.

Then the particular evening comes that I move cautiously through an unfamiliar town. It's twilight but there are more people on the streets than I would expect. I look for the reason why and feel a surge of excitement when I see the glowing lights and hear the music of the carnival. There will be crowds, but I've fed in the afternoon and I feel strong and confident in my ability to control myself. I follow the people towards the showgrounds.

It looks like magic. The coloured lights of the midway blur and flash and spin, and I listen to the jangling music and the roar and hum of the machinery running the rides. The shouts of the spruikers and the ring of the bells at the strong man competition almost drowns out the sound of all the heartbeats, fast and pounding with excitement. The smell of human blood mingles with the smell of popcorn and hotdogs and the burnt sugar of the candy floss and I cannot stop my smile as I gaze around me.

I drift down the midway, feeling the crowd ebb and flow around me. I hasten my pace as I pass the tent with the fighting, knowing they will be spilling blood in there and it will be too dangerous for me to be near. At the far end of the midway I can see the ferris wheel and stands built up around a ring where trick riders gallop on their horses. To my side there are tents and booths with games of skill and chance, musicians and freak shows.

"Hey pretty lady…you want to try your luck?"

A voice calls to me from the ring toss, and I glance over with a smile, shaking my head automatically. It's a young man, sun browned and smiling, winking at me as he holds out the rings enticingly.

"Awww, come on…first try free!"

I laugh, and finger the coins in my pocket. My pickpocketing skills are unparalleled and in just my wander down the fair course I have amassed enough for the new dress I need. Maybe I could spare a little… I step over to him.

"Let's see what you can do!"

I know he's flirting with me because he wants me to play his game, but I don't even care. To have someone smile at me so happily…it's worth the money I hand over. He gives me the rings and I balance them carefully in my hands, feeling the way they are slightly unevenly weighted. I eye the prize board, noticing amongst the other things some bright, gaudy costume jewellery, and I nod at it confidently.

"The bracelet…I bet I can get it," I say, and smile at him from beneath my lashes as he laughs.

"Well, go ahead then sweetheart," he teases.

Really, it's hardly fair, not with my vampire skills. In fact the only difficult part is slowing my movements enough to make my toss and hook look like something a human would do, but I manage it and a few moments later the boy is giving a rueful chuckle as he loops the bright jewellery around my wrist.

"You've got a good eye for a girl!" he says.

I beam at him. "You should never underestimate the girls you know."

His eyes are crinkled in amusement. "I guess I shouldn't." He hooks the clasp on the bracelet and for a moment his fingers linger on my palm. "You've got cold hands sweetheart," he comments. "You should go get some hot dogs to warm you up."

I snatch my hands back, wanting to gag at the thought of the hotdogs, and shake my head. "I'm just going to keep looking."

"Well, come back any time," he winks at me. "I've got lots more jewellery for you to win!"

I laugh and wave, but as I move away I feel the stirrings of a vision at the edges of my mind. From a distance I look back at him, only to find that he's staring after me, and as he catches my eye he raises his arm in salute.

I wonder what it means, but before I have a moment to let my mind delve further I see the next tent and stop abruptly, every other thought leaving my head as I stare at the gaudily painted sign. Madame Rosalinda, Fortune teller.

Oblivious to the crowd I laugh in delight as the images flood my mind and I clasp my hands together in glee. It's perfect. It is all coming together, this is where I was meant to be tonight and it's going to work out so wonderfully…I turn on my heel and hurry back down the midway, searching for the face I've seen in my vision.

I find him leaning on the fence by the horse corral, mopping his sweaty red face with a handkerchief. The horses in the corral scent me and fling their heads up, neighing anxiously as they trot to the far end of the enclosure to get away from me, instinctively recognising me for the predator I am. The tiny monkey that sits on his shoulder wearing a pink net tutu and a yellow pullover bares her teeth and hisses at me, but the man himself gives me a genial smile.

"Mr Rivera?" I ask.

"That's me," he says cheerfully. "And how can I help you, Miss?"

I give him a beaming smile. "Well actually Mr Rivera, I think I'm going to help you. I've come to be your new fortune teller."

He gives me a puzzled smile. "But we're not in need of a fortune teller. Elsie…Madame Rosalinda I mean, she's…well, she's here."

I giggle. "But she's not any good, is she? And she's always drunk…in fact I know that if you look right now you'll find her passed out behind the tattooed lady's tent."

Mr Rivera swears and storms off towards the back of the row of tents. I follow, and watch as he finds an insensible woman snoring behind one of the tents. She's dressed in an exotic array of skirts and scarves and gold jewellery, the scarf she had tied around her head slipped back to expose coarse brown hair. There's a bottle on the ground at her feet, and Mr Rivera kicks it furiously away into the distance as he tries unsuccessfully to rouse her. Eventually he swears loudly and turns to face me, scowling irritably.

"I suppose you saw her here and thought you'd take advantage to make up a story?" he says rudely.

I shake my head. "I've not laid eyes on her before," I say truthfully. "I see things Mr Rivera, that's all…and when you give me the job here I'll make you money, I can promise you that."

He looks at me sceptically. "Hell, God knows I've wanted to get rid of her for months now. You want to do the job it's yours. What's your name?"

"Alicia," I say promptly, giving a more exotic version of my name.

"All right then, Madame Alicia…you got your own transport or anything?"

I shake my head and he sighs. "Never mind. One of the others'll take you in." He glances at his watch. "I've got to get back to work. You go and get your suitcases or whatever you've got, and come to my caravan at the end of the night and we'll sort you out then." He turns and walks rapidly away, the little monkey turning around on his shoulder and throwing a peach pit at me with an angry burst of chatter. I giggle and hug myself, because for the first time ever I'm going to have a home, as bizarre and unusual as that home may turn out to be.

A/N- She's got to do something to fill in time while she waits for Jasper! (And I promise, he's coming…eventually!) All thanks to my husband who actually suggested Alice become a carnival fortune teller when I was complaining to him about the twenty eight years of ? she's got to go through before she finds Jasper, lol.