Never in Our Favor 21
They don't let us stay together long. As soon as we step off of the stage we're each flanked by two or three Peacekeepers, corralling each of us into separate rooms. I wobble as I'm shoved into my room, falling to my knees as the door shuts quickly behind me. I stare at the pink carpet, feeling its warm plushness beneath my hands and knees. It only took a shove to send me to my knees; I really have no chance in a fight. In the arena I'm going to have to rely on wit and speed.
I have to force the crippling self doubt bubbling in my stomach back down; I can't afford to be depressed now. I have to be strong for Katniss. I have to be strong for Katniss and Rory and the twins and Madge and even Clarke. I have to be brave for the Mellarks, especially for Mister Mellark, Peeta, and Lavash, all of which have never been anything but kind to me. I have to show everyone that I'm not a weak comparison to my sister. Of course I am, but if I can survive the first night, at least I can say I wasn't a victim of what my sister calls the bloodbath.
Slowly, I rise and sit on one of the chairs, pulling my knees to my chest. I'm dirty from the walk this morning and my braids are half-fallen by now; I must have been a pitiful sight for the cameras. I'm jarred from my thoughts by a scream that is undoubtedly my sister's.
"Prim!" She shrieks from somewhere down the loud corridor. "Primrose! You have to let me see her! YOU HAVE TO LET ME SEE HER!"
I'm on my feet again instantly, pressing my ear up against the door. I can't make out what the Peacekeepers are saying, but I do hear the words "plenty of time" and "whip". The thought of them bringing the harsh leather to my sister makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I consider screaming to get their attention off her. Before I can, all of them go silent. The only sound I can make out now is Madge sobbing across the hall, so I can only assume they drugged her. They've done that before when she was showing insubordination, but a hot anger flashes across my vision.
"You bastards," I snarl quietly, pressing my head up against the door. "You can all go straight to hell."
The door opens now, forcing me to stumble back quickly. Mrs. Mellark darts in, wrapping me into his arms and forcing me up against her heaving chest. I've never seen her so furious before, but it doesn't scare me. I wrap my arms around her neck and quietly start rubbing her back.
"It's okay, ma'am," I whisper. "It'll all be okay."
"Not you too!" She grips me all that tighter with her words, her tears seeping into my hair and shirt. "I could give a damn about Katniss, but why you?! They've taken enough from me!"
"What do you mean?" I manage to lift my face from against her shoulder, glancing to Mister Mellark.
His own eyes are clouded with tears now as well. It breaks my heart to see him so upset; he's crying for me as if I were his own daughter, and I realize that I love him just as much too. Tears begin to rush down my face as I reach out for him, letting out a pathetic whimper when he wraps his large hand around my small, shaking one.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers to me before enveloping both of us into his arms. "I'm so, so sorry."
"They've taken everything, absolutely everything," Mrs. Mellark growls furiously, gripping me so tightly her nails dig into my shoulders. "I've got a good mind to kill them if they try to make me leave."
"But they will," Mister Mellark responds quietly. "And you can't risk-"
"Shut the hell up, Parndoro!" She releases her hold on me and reels back, slapping him forcefully across the cheek.
I can't move at first. I've seen her hit his shoulder and back before, even elbow him in the stomach. In the five years I've lived with them, she has never directly slapped him, especially across the face. By the astounded look on his face, I doubt she has during their entire relationship. He slowly brings his fingers to touch the bright red mark, which somehow jolts me back into action.
"How could you?!" I scream and immediately bring my hands across his face, watching in horror as he flinches and the mark slowly begins to fade into what was definitely be a bruise.
Mrs. Mellark looks almost as shocked as I feel. "Excuse me?"
"He's done nothing but love you!" I feel the resentment I've slowly build against her in every word, pouring out through my mouth so quickly I couldn't stop if I wanted too. "He loves you so much and you just go and hit him! He isn't your slave! He is your husband and all you do is berate him and your children! They all love you and you hurt them because of it! How could you be so cold?! How could you be such a...Such a..."
My last insult hitches in my throat as she looks to me with cold anger that she seems to reserve only for her sons. I can only shut my eyes as she squares her shoulders rigidly and raises her hand back, but she doesn't strike. I tentatively open my eyes to find her staring at me, the tears still rolling down her face.
"I should give you a proper beating for talking to me like that," she says shakily, her tone hushed. "But this is the last time I'll see you alive, so I won't. I just have one thing to ask you, Primrose."
"Yes?" I ask weakly.
"Does your precious Katniss not do the same thing?" She narrows her eyes and her tears stop falling. "You love her unconditionally, but what does she do for you in return? She can't stand to not be around you. She holds you back and forces you to be adult. She made you become a woman while she acts like a sniveling little girl. She may not hit you but I assure you, Primrose, her and I are no different at all."
"You're wrong," I choke out through the sob caught in my throat. "You're wrong and I don't want you around me again. You have no idea what Katniss-"
"Oh, but I do. I watched her Games." Now she gives me a small, sadistic smile. "You didn't. The only things you know are what she's told you."
The door opens once more and a Peacekeepers enters, barking out, "Time's up."
He seizes Mrs. Mellark first and jerks his head in Mister Mellark direction as he begins to pull his wife out. He barely looks at either of them as he grabs me into a hug, kissing my head briefly before another Peacekeeper comes in to yank him away.
"I believe in you, sweetheart!" He yells as he's pulled out. "You can win! You can come home!"
The door slams shut and I'm left alone, staring at the door. He said I could come home, but what home will I have? Mrs. Mellark seems to hate me now, and she's the one who controls their household. If I somehow survive, Katniss can always legally adopt me and we can live together without them. But even after everything that just happened, the thought of kicking out five people when only two have hurt us seems wrong.
Lavash comes in next, wrapping me into his arms. His hug feels like Mister Mellark's, so I can't help but cry into his shoulder and as he begins to try and reassure me. "Look, Prim. I know things are going to be rough for you and Mom when you come back, but once you come back she'll forgive you. Mom doesn't hold grudges, she's just angry a lot. Aish will respect anyone who's braver than him, so you'll have his approval when you come home. We'll all live together happily then. The Capitol won't be able to hurt us anymore as long as we keep Peeta out of sight and out of mind for one more year."
"You know I probably won't come back," I whisper shakily. "I can't come back if it means Rory dies."
"I can't tell you what you can and cannot do." His grip around me tightens. "But we all want you to come home."
I can only cry into his shirt until they pull him out as well. I suppose now I'll never understand why he looked after me so well; maybe I reminded him of his younger brothers, or maybe he's just as kind as his father. I've barely sat back down when Peeta rushes in with tears going down his scrunched up face, his sob into my shoulder echoing against the walls. I sob just as hard, my fingers digging into his shoulders as I bury my face in his neck.
"I-I'm okay," I whisper as I shake all over.
"Not you're not," he whispers in response.
"Y-yes, I am." I begin trying to swallow the tears, but they just keep coming as I try as hard as I can to look brave for him. "I am."
Peeta was the force that kept me sane while Katniss was gone. He was the closest thing I had to her, and he was always so gentle, so brave when his heart was just as broken as mine. I owe him that same bravery, and while I can't give it to him right now, I have to make sure he knows exactly what has to happen while I'm away. I know how badly he wants me to live, to come home so he can finally ask my sister out. I'll even bet he wants to marry her someday, and if I asked I'm sure he'd love the idea of all of three of us living happily in Victor's Village with our families. He hopes as desperately as I used to and occasionally still do, and because he appeased my hope so long ago, I have to validate his, too.
"Peeta, you have to listen to me," I say in the steadiest voice I can. "Are...Are you listening?"
"Of course." He peels his soaked face from my shoulder, his sad blue eyes meeting my own.
"Look, n-no...No matter what happens to me, you have to be there for Katniss. You can't...You can't let her kill herself like Mom did. I don't know how she'll live without me too, but you have to make her. She's...She's been so strong, and I can't die knowing that she'll let it all be in vain. You have to look after her like I did. She'll have good days and the worst days, but she survived our parents' dying. I know she can survive me being as long as you stay with her. She doesn't know it now, and she won't know it for a long time, I don't think, but she does love you. That's...That's why I know she can survive without us."
After I speak, Peeta just stares at me for a few long moments. I'm afraid they'll pull him away before he can respond, but he finally does before that happens. "I promise I'll take care of her."
"Th-thank you." I latch back into him immediately. "You...You are incredible. I love you so much."
"I love you too," he murmurs into my ear, then lets out a small cry with an exhale of air. "You're so much like her. She said..She said almost the same things about you when she went away."
That sounds just like her, but I'm still a little surprised. Even back then I was her world, just as much as I am now and just as much as she is mine. We need Peeta so badly, and there is no way I could ever pay him back for everything. Even if I came back and we did live in Victor's Village and make our own families, I couldn't ever express to him how grateful I am. The Peacekeepers don't have to drag him away, but they do have yank me off of him and force me back into my chair. Once it's gone, the real emptiness settles in my stomach, so much so I doubt it'll ever go away.
I have a few friends from school in, but all we do is cry and hug. They tell me about how they'll miss me, and how they hope I can win like Katniss. They promise they'll be watching and walk out without having to be dragged. I really do appreciate their coming to tell me goodbye, but I don't really start crying until Miss Hawthorne walks in with Vick and Posy trailing behind.
"Oh, sweetheart." Her voice is thick and broken from crying as she pulls me into a tight hug and kisses my head.
Vick has been crying as well, but not as much as his mother or sister. His face is mostly indifferent, which only proves he really is sick now. He knows the chance of us surviving is very low, and if I win, I know he'll never get better. I can tell Posy doesn't really understand exactly what's happening right now, but I can see a terrible fear in her eyes. She didn't know Gale or her father, but I know it isn't easy for her to see her mother so broken. I remember being just a little older than her five years ago, looking up to my emotionless mother, and I can all too easily identify to the flinch I see when she touches Vick's arm and he doesn't even look down at her.
"I-I won't...I-I.." I stutter, but there is nothing I can say to fix this.
"Primrose...Sweet, little Primrose..." She murmurs into my hair. "I love you so much. I love you just as much as I love my own son, do you hear me? Don't make any promises you can't keep."
"I-I love you too," I whisper shakily. "I love your entire family."
"I know, baby. I know you do." As she slowly smooths down my hair and softly wipes my cheeks, I feel my heart ache with the reminder of the mother I used to have before the mining accident.
"Good luck," Vick says hollowly, but the faint light I still see in his eyes is full of accusation. I know he would much rather I die to bring his brother home, and I don't blame him.
"Be safe!" Posy latches onto my waist and buries face into my stomach.
"I'll try, Posy." I lean down and kiss her small head, looking to Miss Hawthorne with tears forming newly in my ears. "I...I'll stick with him. I'll protect him. I promise."
She looks like she's about to protest, but there isn't any way to avoid the gratefulness that flashes across her face for just a moment. The door opens and she quickly grabs the hands of her remaining children, pulling them toward the door before the Peacekeepers can lay a hand on either of them. She looks back just before the door closes; her expression is so full of heartbreak I can't help but sob the rest of the time I'm alone.
We're all taken in two separate cars based on whom we were reaped alongside. Rory and I hold hands tightly as Clarke sits motionless beside us. Effie is in the passenger seat, rattling endlessly about the new world we're soon going to be a part of. From the stories Katniss has told me, the Capitol is just as strange and mindless as Effie; now that I'm about to be there myself, I can't help but feel nervous. It's hard to imagine hundreds of thousands of people that look just like our escort, with their hair brightly colored and their face paint so gaudy.
"Hey." Rory's whisper brings me back, and I turn my head slightly to meet his soft brown eyes. "You know how there are always programs from the Capitol on our TVs?"
Because of the Games, almost every family owns a TV because almost every family has been all but forced to watch one of their own slaughtered. He has mentioned once or twice that he occasionally watched the regular programs for boredom's sake, which is something hardly anyone does, but that does mean he knows what to expect even more than me.
"Y-yeah," I respond softly.
"Well, there is the really cool drink these kids drink on this one show about a popular Capitol families' life," he explains while gripping my hand all that tighter. "It's called 'hot chocolate'. What do you say we try some when we get there?"
Hot chocolate. I've had chocolate before because of the bakery, but it's not all that tasty. It's almost bitter and the Mellarks use it more for decoration than anything else, but maybe it tastes better when it's heated.
"Sure, I'd love too." I manage a small smile for him, then turn to look at the large eighteen year old beside us. "U-um...Clarke, right? Do you...Do you want to try some hot chocolate too?"
He doesn't respond at first, but when he does glance down he seems surprised to see I was talking to him. "What?"
His voice is deep, much deeper than my father's or any of the Mellarks. It's a little intimidating, but if I'm going to survive longer than a few minutes, I cannot let myself be frightened by things like voices.
"I said...I said, would you like to try hot chocolate with us?" I swallow my nerves and raise my head a bit to be just a little closer to his eye level. "When we get to the Capitol."
"You District rats are just so positively adorable at times!" Effie suddenly squeals from the front. "Oh, my dears, you can try hot chocolate as soon as we get on the train! Not to mention there are far greater delicacies than a little child's winter beverage. You are going to be impressed, I just know you all will love it!"
Clarke doesn't seem to even hear her as he nods once and continues staring straight ahead. Rory and I look to each other, and for the first time since before the Reaping I see the terror on his face. He doesn't look like he's been crying, at least not as much as me, but I know what's happening is destroying him as much as it's destroying me. I bury my face into his chest and he wraps his arm around me at once, and we stay like this until the car suddenly stops moving.
"Out, out, out!" Our escort squeaks eagerly as she removes the belt that held us still. "Come now, we don't want to behind schedule!"
This time, there are not so many Peacekeepers enclosing the six of us in a small bunch. They stay near as we're herded toward the train, but not close enough to obscure the wild flashing of cameras from what Katniss has called the media. They look thrilled against the bleak expressions of everyone from home; they move with us practically step by step while the rest of District 12 stands still, their sad eyes looking away as soon as I try to make eye contact.
Our families stand on small platforms at the very front; I remember being on one five years ago, clutching my motionless mother as they took my sister away. Back then the Hawthornes stood right beside us, and now they stand next to the Mellarks. Miss Hawthorne is as strong and stoic as she was before, clutching Vick and Posy to either side as she stares right at her oldest living son. Rory smiles for them despite the tears finally pooling in his eyes, but I can't force myself to be that strong as I look to the people who've kept me alive. As I make eye contact with Lavash, Peeta, and Mister Mellark, I remember what they said. They want me back so desperately, but at least I have Peeta's promise to me to save Katniss no matter what.
As Melaina and Ciana are pushed on board, I search around for new faces. I spot an aging woman off to the side, her face full of grief as three children grip onto her. One looks to be about Vick's age while the other two are about Posy's age, but they look more wary of their mother than afraid for us. At the very edge of the platform, I spot the mayor and his wife clutching each other as they stare after their daughter.
I'm still looking for one more person or group when someone grabs me under my ribs, lifting me off the ground enough to get me into the train car. As soon as the Peacekeeper turns he all but throws me to the ground, turning back to the others instantly as I struggle back up as quickly as possible. Effie looks sympathetic as she reaches toward me, but I just back away and go to the nearest window. I don't see anyone else new on the platform, so I just stare sadly and force myself to wave a little as we start to move away.
"Prim. Hey, Prim." I feel Rory's hand on my shoulder and finally tear my gaze away from the sight of District 12. "You have to come to see all of the food in here. It's crazy."
As soon as I see the rows of platters, my stomach flips in my stomach. It really is crazy, and because Effie says it's all at our disposal, I can't help but grab something and pop it into my mouth. Sugar explodes as the food melts in my mouth, and I can't help but close my eyes against the intense flavors. It's certainly the richest food I've ever had, and my stomach is at once demanding more.
Before I can eat more, one of the doors slides open and Katniss runs in. She all but runs to me, engulfing my in her arms and sinking down to the floor with me at once. The tears spring back into my eyes and I forget about my hunger at once as we both start sobbing, her hands in my hair and her body shaking violently. I know she's speaking, but I can't really make out the words due to her frantic breathing and harsh sobs.
"Heartbreaking." I hear Effie say this, but she isn't the only one who speaks it.
Haymitch is standing in the same doorframe that Katniss rushed out of. His expression is free of any tears or any real emotion, but that's likely due to the fact he is definitely drunk. He looks to Katniss and I a bit longer, then looks toward the rest of the tributes.
"Well, eat your hearts out," he grunts. "There's plenty. I'll be in alcohol car if any of you are interested."
He turns around and takes a step forward, but the next thing I know he's in a pile face-down. One of the twins instantly rushes toward him, rolling him onto his back and sitting him up.
"Come on," she whispers. "Come on, you can't do this here. Let's get you back in your room."
"Leave him alone, Ciana." Melaina is standing with her arms crossed, her expression just as annoyed and even disgusted as Effie's. "He's not hurting anyone down there like that."
"You know that he'll puke soon," Ciana argued instantly. "If he throws up like this, he could suffocate."
"If he's suffocates it's his own fault." Her twin just scowls as she approaches him. "I'll help you get him to the couch, but no farther, okay?"
Together they grab one arm and begin pulling him toward one of the very expensive couches. Effie just scoffs and tells us cheerfully that dinner is at six, so we shouldn't eat too much so we wouldn't 'spoil our appetites'. Clarke and Madge then ask where their rooms are, so she leaves while the twins attempt to get Haymitch off of the floor.
"Katniss, I need to help those two," I whisper in her ear. "I need you to let go of me for a minute."
"No!" She hisses rather loudly and grips all that more tightly. "If you help them now, you'll only be killed. You know very well only one comes out."
"But we're not in the Games yet," I remind as gently as I can. "Please, Katniss. It's just to help Haymitch."
"Primrose-" She begins, but Melaina drops her side of Haymitch instantly and gives us both a hard look.
"Primrose Everdeen, right?" She says in an accusatory voice, her eyes stern and full of repressed anger. "Look, Primrose. Your sister is right. If you start helping everyone who looks like they need it, you're going to end up dead before the first day is up."
"Mel!" Ciana responds immediately, her face apologetic as she looks to me. "She could put it better, but she is right. After all, you tried to sacrifice yourself blindly for me once. That was more than enough."
I want to protest, but I know there is nothing I can say that will change their minds. Besides, I know that all three of them are right, but I want to help Haymitch as badly as Ciana. After all, he was my sister's mentor, and I know he's got to be a part of the reason she survived. I decide on three things as I carefully stand, bringing Katniss up with me.
"Let go please," I request once more. "Just for a minute, I swear."
She is still very reluctant, but she finally loosens her hold enough for me to push down her hands. I look to Rory, who has been standing awkwardly near the door we entered the entire time, and beckon him over. He just nods before I can open my mouth; he knows me very well by now, and that thought just makes my heart hurt all that more as we grab Haymitch on one side each ourselves and push him halfway onto the couch. Melaina scowls at us while Ciana begins crying silently again, but I'll worry about them later.
"Come on, Rory. Come on, Katniss," I say softly. "Let's...Let's go find our rooms, okay?"
Katniss grips onto my arm at once and follows my lead out of the car. Making attachments to the same children who are going to be trying to kill me is dangerous; I've known that ever since I knew what the Hunger Games were. But they are still children, just like me, and now that I see a portion of what I'm up against, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to hurt them, much less kill them.
We finally find the hall that seems to have all of the bedrooms, so Rory takes the room right beside mine and I immediately ask Katniss to go find Effie for me. She is obviously reluctant to leave me alone at all, but I finish convince her by saying I'm going to change. After she leaves I open the closet, shuddering when I see that everything seems to be in my size already. I decide on a mint green dress, one that comes below my knees, and use the bathroom to wipe up my red face the best i can. From now on I know I have to be brave even though I know I won't make it out alive; all my thoughts of that are gone now that I've met my competition. The only thing I'm sure I can do now is spend my last few days with my sister, and after we're in the arena I'll try to keep Rory equipped to live.
"You paged, Primrose?" Suddenly Effie is in the doorway with my sister lurking behind her, her expression confused as she looks to me.
"Yes." I take a deep breath and put down the washcloth. "Do you we could try that hot chocolate now? And do you think you could get enough for everyone on the train?"