I slowly went through the next few months…just being there. My mind had given me the privilege of memory and hearing but had denied me a feeling of…control and happiness. When I had saw Emmett after the attack I had sprinted to him, closing everyone else out. I needed my big brother and from the way he hugged me I think he needed me. After I had let go of him I had hugged Carlisle and we exchanged, 'I love you' before Emmett drove us home.

I spent a few days with Alice at my house, and Carlisle kept his distance, knowing I needed 'girl time.' I had felt relieved when I saw everyone but afterwards, when I had time to myself, I almost didn't want them to find me. I mean…I know it sounds weird but it felt like my body had been ready to die so it shut down and when I didn't die it stayed in the mode. It wouldn't let me feel anything and it bugged me.

I was feeling out of control on a daily basis. My life had been in order before James prodded his way in again and knowing that if I didn't leave everyone I loved for and cared for would be affected. I had attempted to have a life with James and he had ruined it. I was lying when I said we had drifted apart, he had made me stay at the apartment we had, he abused me sometimes, he made me lie to my family when they asked about my bruises, and he was going to make me marry him. He had beat up a kid twice his size for asking me if I was okay one day while crying on the library steps…he was ruthless and strong and scary.

Luckily I had gotten a call out to Emmett one day while James was in the shower. I told James not to touch me and to leave because Emmett was coming to get me. He got angry and then raped me, even though we were in a relationship, I didn't consent…so it was rape…I think. I really did tell him to stop and then he hit me…So I think it was rape. Anyways, Emmett had saved me and afterwards we weren't just brother and sister we were best friends and when Rose showed up…I felt like he was breaking up our friendship.

So I leaned on Alice and when last Christmas I had been…again I stopped leaning on her. I had no one until Carlisle. Carlisle was a great guy but I…guess he just didn't fit in with my life. No that's a lie, he fit into my life perfectly and everything he was, was what I wanted. Since I was a little girl I had dreamt of marrying a doctor who was kind and considerate and extremely handsome. And Carlisle was all that and then some. Maybe that's why I felt like he didn't fit…because he was perfect and I wasn't use to perfect.

Saying I loved him would be an understatement and saying I needed him would go right along with it. When I had broken up with him in the forest, the whole time I had been screaming in my mind, 'Please say you love me, convince me you can handle yourself, please don't let me walk away. Please, I need you!' But unfortunately he wasn't a mind reader and didn't hear my pleas.

So I left him. I hadn't seen Carlisle after the police station and I missed him. But just like the day I left him I was calling out to him yet not doing anything. I felt too empty, too much like a shell, to want to pick up the phone and call my most dependable person. Emmett had forced me to come over to his house a few weeks after the incident and I had complied just because I thought it would pull me out of this rut…

Unfortunately it only pushed me farther into my emptiness.

My phone was ringing 4 weeks after the incident and I answered it without thinking. I didn't know who it was and if I had known I wouldn't have picked up the phone. No I would have threw the phone at the far wall and then called 911 on my home phone. But, I didn't and I answered it to a familiar voice that sent shivers down my spine and not in a good way.

"Hello, Bella," He said.

"Who is this?" I said, knowing who it was but not his name.

"You've forgotten our little interaction already?" He asked.

I felt my face scrunch up in disgust. "I haven't forgotten, but shouldn't I get to know your name?" I asked hiding my disgust.

"Would you like to guess my name? I'm sure you remember the first time we met, don't you? James introduced us, remember?" He asked.

It was before James was bad. It was before I had been raped by him. It was before all of that. Before…

FLASHBACK

"Sweetie, I want to take you to dinner tonight and let you meet one of my old college buddies," He said while cradling my face in his hands.

"Sure, where are we going?" I asked smiling up at him.

"Just the little café down the road, nothing fancy. He's in town for a few weeks and we bumped into each other at the Starbuck's by my work. He said he would love to meet you," He murmured against my neck.

LATER THAT NIGHT

We walked into the café and James spotted his friend right away. His name was Royce; I think that's what James had called him. Royce was a graduate in the art department and never once did I give it a second thought. We sat down across from Royce after being greeted.

"I just can't believe that we bumped into each other at Starbucks," Royce said looking at James.

"I know…Starbucks…" James said.

Then they started laughing… The rest of the dinner left me in the dark with their inside jokes and their never ending drabble about nothing that made sense. James went to pay which left me and Royce alone. I sat awkwardly and glanced at the register where James was. There was a long line and I smiled when James smiled at me.

"So, Bella, have you ever thought of being a model for a painting?" Royce asked breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, no, I'm way too…no it's just not for me," I said while blushing.

"Why, you're so beautiful, you would be perfect for nude modeling," He said leaning closer.

"R-Royce I don't know if that's appropriate…I am dating James," I said glancing at James who was staring at his shoes.

"Bella, you would be perfect for it…and I'm in need of a new model do you think you would want to model for me?" He asked.

I shook my head and said, "No thank you, I don't really want to model for anyone but James…"

He snorted and said, "Bella, please, James is…and you're so…he doesn't deserve you. I think you would go better with me."

"I don't, and this conversation is over," I said glancing back at James. He was paying finally.

He walked over to us and said, "Alright, let's go!"

I smiled and then he drove us back to his place. Royce was rooming with James until he left and I wasn't happy about it. I planned on spending the night with James before the date and I was still going to… I didn't tell James what Royce had said, they were such great friends and I didn't want to ruin it by telling him that…

I fell asleep in the second guest bedroom and a few hours later I heard a soft knocking on my door. I glanced at the clock and noticed I had only been asleep for a few hours. The door opened and revealed Royce. I instantly tensed and pulled the blankets closer to me. He grinned when he saw me and walked to the bed.

"Hello, Bella," He whispered when he was at the foot of the bed.

I had gone to sleep in James's night shirt and my underwear but I wasn't wearing anything else. I pulled the blanket to myself tighter and Royce cocked an eyebrow at me. He walked around to me and when he was close enough to touch me my mind decided to clue me in that this wasn't just a visit this was going to turn into something much worse if I didn't call out for help.

"Royce, leave before I call out to James," I said, instantly regretting it. I should have just called out to James.

"Why? Don't you want me to be in here?" He asked while leaning close to me.

"James! James! James!" I screamed when he reached out to touch me.

He covered my mouth and stared at the door for a few seconds before turning back to me. He shook his head with a grimace on his face. He sat on the corner of the bed and with his other hand ran it down my arm. But before he could do anything the door opened and James stood there.

"Royce, what the fuck?" He asked staring for a second before grabbing him off me.

"What the hell, man?!" He shouted while throwing him against a wall.

"I-I was just…" Royce started.

"You were what?!" James shouted.

I stood up, slowly with the comforter wrapped around me, and walked over to James. I touched him on the arm and whispered, "James, don't hurt him. He didn't do anything."

"Didn't do anything?! He was touching you, Bella! He was staring at you like a creep! How is that nothing?" He asked me while still holding Royce against the wall.

"He was being a creep but if you hurt him you'll be in trouble, let him go…for me?" I whispered while resting a hand on his arm.

James dropped Royce and then Royce scrambled out of the room…possibly just leaving the house………

END OF FLASHBACK

"R-Royce?" I asked.

"Ding, ding! We have a winner!" He said cheerily.

"What do you want?" I asked softly.

"I think you know what I want, and I fully intend on getting i—"

I hung up before he could say anything and I quickly called Carlisle. "Carlisle? Can you come over, like right away?" I asked once he picked up.

"Sure, Bella, what's wrong?" He asked.

"There's no time for explanations, just come over, and when you get here…I'll tell you," I said shivering.

"Alright, calm down, I'll be there in a second, love you," He said.

"Love you too," I said.

He hung up and I walked myself to the front door. I locked the locks and then slipped the chain over the door. I slid down next to it and silently waited for Carlisle. It was only a few minutes before the door started to rattle with the force of someone banging on it. I whimpered and stared up at it. I slowly stood up and looked through the peep hole.

All it took was that one look before I had the door open and Carlisle was in my arms. "What's wrong, sweetheart? Your shaking, calm down, it's alright, I'm here," He whispered while stroking my hair and holding onto me.

I had never been so happy to see a single man in my life. For a few months after my attack the only person I would talk to was Leah and Renee, they were supportive and now...now I just wanted Carlisle and Carlisle alone. I squeezed him tighter and let loose my first sob. I cried into his shirt and neglected to notice I was ruining his crisp white shirt.

"Bella, honey, you're scaring me, tell me what happened," He said while continuing his stroking and hugging.

I lifted my head to look up at him and through blurry eyes tried to tell him. I opened my mouth but no words left it, I buried my face back in his chest and continued to sob. If I was ever...and I mean ever raped again...I think I would try suicide...and not one that would take a few hours for me to die from.

I shook my head from my thoughts and pulled away from him. I pulled him from the door way and closed the door. I locked all of the locks and then sat Carlisle on the couch I sat next to him and he handed me a tissue that appeared from nowhere. I wiped my face and blew my nose while taking deep breaths. They were short pants and I knew that, from watching the health channel, I was going to hyperventilate soon.

I took a few more deep breaths before breaking down again and hugging Carlisle to me again. He held me and I couldn't help but notice how soft his shirt was and how muscular he felt underneath it. I gripped his arms tighter and tried to hold off my crying long enough to sort out some of my thoughts. I shook my head and hugged him tighter, trying to be as close to him as possible. He was the only thing keeping me anchored to Earth and not drifting to my horrible memories...I needed him then more than ever.

"C-C-Carlisle...I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry," I managed and I felt him tense.

I looked up at him and wiped my face before registering his expression. Panic...clear as day...I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong but he looked back down at me and I saw a wild look in his eyes that...frankly...scared me. I widened my eyes and looked to my side before looking back up at him.

"Ca-Carlisle...what is it?" I asked.

"Why are you sorry, Bella?" He whispered staring at me. I saw tears brimming on his eyes and quickly became confused.

I shook my head and said, "You won't want me anymore...Not after I tell you this...but I have to tell you, because relationships can't have secrets and I think this is a big secret to have..."

"What is it, Bella, I won't think any differently of you," He whispered. His tears had left and confusion had replaced them.

"The day I came into the hospital...after attempting suicide...you have to know why I tried to commit suicide," I started.

He stared at me and I saw him trying to figure it out but I guess he came to no conclusion because the confusion stayed. "A man...that I just recently figured out who was...because he called me...like a few minutes before you came over...that's why you're here...he r-r-raped me..." I trailed while looking at my hands and waiting for the familiar rejection I usually get about this time.

I will admit now that Carlisle had stuck around longer than any other guy I had ever been with but...he was going to leave me...alone...alone so that Royce could get me and I knew...just then, that I had replaced everyone else, everyone that I held close to my heart, with Carlisle...and I think I also realized that I would have to see someone about the feelings I was having. Because they were most definitely not good feelings to have running through my body.

I felt his hold loosen and prepared for the rejection. But instead of him letting go of me he hugged me tighter and pet my hair. He was whispering soothing words before his body tensed again. I think he must have realized what I had said because he pulled me away from him and look down at me. Once again, I prepared for the rejection.

"Did you say he called you just a few minutes ago?" He asked.

Once again, he surprised me with something completely out of what I was expecting. I nodded and he said, "On your cell phone on your home phone?"

"Cell phone," I said staring up at him confused.

"Where's your cell?" He asked.

"It's on the table, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Well," He started as he pulled away from me, expect for leaving his arm around my shoulders, "We're going to get the number he called from and then we're going shut off your phone. But, nothing is wrong."

I nodded then something sank in for me. "Carlisle...you were about to cry before I told you what happened...what-why?" I asked him.

He paused in his actions and seemed to tense. His cheeks were red and I noticed he was blushing, he was embarrassed! Carlisle Cullen was embarrassed! Huh... I looked at him and sat my arm on his back.

"Carlisle? You can tell me anything," I said.

I nodded and said, "I-I thought you were about to leave me again."

He was still turned away from me and my next actions embarrassed me just as much as they shocked him. I turned him towards me and pulled him into a kiss. I pushed him onto the couch and ripped his shirt open. I was running my hands down his chest while still kissing him when I realized what I had done. I had done it so fast I hadn't realized what had happened. I paused in my actions but he kept going so I kept going.

If he's okay with this...I'm okay with this.

My hands...they found their way down to his...area and I hesitantly touched him. I felt rather than heard him let out a strangled moan and grinned a little knowing I had this effect on him. I placed my hand fully against his...bulging...area...and rubbed him.

His hips bucked and I figured this was a good thing so, while continuing to kiss him thoroughly, and rubbed his member with more fever. He grunted and bucked his hips again. I grinned, through my kiss, even wider and before I knew what was happening Carlisle had us flipped over and I was under him.

"Bella, you have no idea what you do to me," He whispered with a rough voice.

I gripped him member and whispered right back, "Oh, I think I do."

Where in the God's name is this confidence coming from? And how do I keep it here?!

His hand floated up my shirt and I gasped when his hand touched my bra covered breast. He rubbed it slowly and growled when he took his hand away. He stared down at me and I watched his eyes turn from his normal bright vibrant colored green eyes to a darker stormier color of green. I shivered in delight and leaned up to kiss him again.

This was going to happen, and oh my God, I was most definitely going to enjoy it.

Alrighty...So, whatcha think? Update soon! And review, please.