Chapter 17

With every bone and muscle aching, I push open my front door. Finally. Something familiar. Instinctively, I scale the stairs for a much needed shower then a good night's rest in hopes to exonerate the stress of today's events.

"Forgetting something?" My feet stop trekking when I hear his spiteful voice. "Well technically someone." Great. Just what I needed. A smug Kalum in my house and the strong sense of lassitude on my body was a recipe for disaster.

With slow movements I make my way down the stairs, rounding the corner to see Kalum lying on my couch, arms folded and hands resting behind his head. His sculpted muscles flexed as he repositions himself, crossing his legs to be anchored on the arm of the couch. He's simply lying there. Pissing me off every second he continues to be in my line of sight. I set the bag Christian handed me down and make my way towards him.

"What are you doing here, Kalum?" I try my best to keep my composure but I'm running on fumes and I've had the most exhausting day. Not just physically but mentally. "It's late."

"Don't be angry. I know our last encounter wasn't my finest moments." He scoffs, eyes glowering as he cocks his head. "How can I acquit myself?"

"Well first, you and your expensive gifts, and your late night booty call can leave me alone."

"That's' –"

"I'm tired, Kalum. Can we do this another time?" I begin my ascension back up the stairs, hoping Klaum finally got the hint.

That hope gets stuck in the rubble when he speaks the words, "No. We need to talk. Now." He unfolds himself from the indolent position to stand. "I know it's late but I had no choice. You wouldn't answer my calls or texts. This was my last resort." He brings his shoulders up in a shrug and approaches me with a ravenous glare.

I sigh roughly not caring that it was evident I wasn't happy by his presence or this mind game he is trying to induce. "Kalum..."

"Just hear me out –" He was pleading. Desperation was oozing out of him. The sight caused a pang in my heart. The thought that the wrenching could be pity nearly caused my stomach to twist in knots.

"We have nothing to talk about. So, please, leave." I turn my body and take a few steps toward the front door in hopes he would follow. When I turn back, I see he is no longer standing by my couch but a few inches from me.

"Look we can talk Monday at work. But now I need sleep..." I plead. Before my arm can reach for the door handle, it's gripped and made immobile. Staring down, I notice Kalum's hand has clutched mine. Many times I've found his touch revolting, an equivalent to the touch of death itself. But to my surprise, it was gentle and tender. One could say it was altruistic.

"Five minutes. That's all need. Give me that at least. Then I'll walk out and if you never want to speak to me then I won't bother you other than for work purposes." He was practically begging at my feet and for the first time I sympathized for him – an emotion I never thought I could feel when it came to him.

"Fine. Five minutes. Then you're out." I walk to the couch, not giving him a chance to negotiate another minute of my time. We make it to the couch and sit on opposite ends. There is a few seconds of silence before Kalum clears his throat.

"Can I get something to drink? Like some coffee?" I stare at him like he just grew two heads. He can't be serious. "Water?" He is.

"Seriously Kalum?" I give him the resting bitch face I learned from Kate. It feels strange but it works.

"Right, right. Straight to the point." Now I just feel like a bitch. Guilt ridden, I walk over and get him a glass of water. When I get back I hand it to him and he takes a hefty sip and sets it down on a coaster then comes to mind. "Thank you." I nod belied to how dumbstruck I am at his words. The words 'thank you' sounded so foreign when they left his lips.

"I wanted to start off by explaining my absence from work." I nod for him to continue but he seems hesitant. Seconds pass of silence but then he suddenly explains,"My family... well my father..." He laughs as if he stated an inside joke. I couldn't help but feel awkward at his words. He looked so troubled when he mentioning his father. "...Let's just say it's complicated and my attention has been on them more than the shop."

It didn't take me long to recognize what he was trying to say. He and his dad had a past full of plights and it's made living in the present nearly impossible. That I could understand. The thought that I don't think I'll ever forgive my father for what he did then comes to mind. I was scarred and tormented by his abandonment. The years we lost because of his addiction could never be regained no matter the effort he put forth – that's if he even attempted to.

However, in the pit of my stomach I can't fight the feeling that I'm worried about his whereabouts. If he is okay? Has he relapsed? I don't think I could look at his face again if he did. It's one thing to choose your addiction of alcohol over your daughter. But doing it twice... Kalum's hand lands on my barred knee, bringing me out of my own head.

"My inexcusable behavior the last time you saw me..." He casts his head down and shakes it in shame. "I had no right to act like I did and for that I'm sorry. I had too much to drink and I made you uncomfortable which I never wanted.

"We both were intoxicated, Kalum." I couldn't help but interrupt. He was saying all this things sincerely and I couldn't just sit here playing the innocent card. "We both said things we shouldn't have."

"Well that brings me to my next thing." My chest constricts, and my eyes widen. Kalum is someone who only has people on their toes, always at the edge, and now I see why. He just threw down a wildcard. One I don't think I'm ready to hear. But my startled expression and the way my hands are slightly shaking doesn't warn off Kalum from continuing.

"I'm hoping not all of what you said, you would take back." He waits for me to soak in what he is saying but his words aren't quite reaching me yet. "The date..." Then it hits me so hard my lungs are ridden of air. I had promised him a date if he would shut up and leave me alone. "I want to ask you again. Sober." Shit! No, no no.

"Kalum, I don't –" Ignoring my reply, he grabs both my hands in his rough and callous ones. The intimate act takes me by surprised and my eyes rush to find his.

"This…" Silence takes over, but only monetarily. Kalum's green eyes linger off, a moment to recollect exactly what he wants to say. His eyes meet mine once more, and a new found confidence resides in him. It almost overpowers him.

"I've made mistakes. Not only in life but with you. And those are the ones I wish most that I could take back. I put on this persona – an act I fell into with complete indignity. I lost my true self in all gimmicks that my pride took over. I turned into the person I didn't want to be…the person I said I wouldn't –" Kalum readjusts his position on the couch. He was laying his cards out on the table. Something I caught myself wanting to do with Christian. I shake that thought immediately. My problems with Christian could wait. I promised Kalum I would hear him out. A promise I'm determined to keep with full attention.

"I – I just need you to know the person I've fostered since we've me, wasn't nor isn't me. I'm not asking you to erase what I've said or did, because I have no right. But maybe if we could start over…"

I fail to find any type of reason that this could be a hoax. That he came here to do what he does best – play games. Kalum was known for that. He lures you, gains your trust then pulls a fast one on you, leaving you to his mindfuckery. I've fallen for it too many times. So many times that I have caught myself wanting to rip his slimy tongue from his mouth. Back then it wasn't hard to think that if I had a gun with only two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and him, I would shoot him. Twice. He's conniving, manipulating, and selfish. Never has he put someone else's before him. However, I can't shake the tiny voice in the back of my head telling me this time he is different. That he was putting his pride aside for me. But I had to know for sure. I couldn't let my walls come down for a few charming words.

"Kalum…" I fall short words, not because I didn't know what to say but what I might say out of empathy. My mind has been congested to capacity and any decisions made would be tainted from lack of rationality. "Let me sleep on it. Okay?"

Without a word Kalum stands. I expected the usual crude and asshole remarks he always spits at people when he doesn't get his way. To my surprise, he keeps complete composure. Even manages a smile. Not those tantalizing smug smirks one can only roll their eyes at, but a real honest-to-god smile. "Who are you?" nearly slips my orifice. The Kalum I knew and met when I was a freshman was cynical and a fuck up. I can't say I was any better which is why I found him to be so enthralling – someone I could possibly hate life with, get drunk on the bitterness deep inside myself. He enraptured me. His magnetizing charisma ensnared my distressed self, but what guy wouldn't when you're so drunk you can't walk straight?

Later did I find out, it was a ploy he did with all the girls he saw as an easy catch. It was Kalum's skill. He had an eye for naïve girls who desired attention. Then he'd bend them to his will with confluent ease and they'd please him in hopes to get a morsel high status. And before they'd get too attached, he'd turn them out like tricks. I fell into his illusive trap. Back then I was a gullible girl who had lost herself in this new world I was getting myself into. It started off with an innocent kiss but then the subtle intensity later turned into an overwhelming force.

I was lucky enough to have the slightest rational left in me to know the definition of wrong and so I left. My hangover morning left me with erratic memories of the night. Some conversations and acts clearer than others. Nonetheless, in the wake of my mistake, it left me with a new outlook on life. I was on a path I judged so harshly because of my father. The crossroads of my identity laid in front of me. My decision became painless when the memory of my disclosure in Kalum arose. Alcohol was the fatal but true truth serum. So I chose – a life of better choices and values. I hadn't known if Kalum regurgitated my admission that night all those years ago until a few weeks ago in his office. Up until that point, I choose to ignore the possibility he remembered. I had hoped that the ominous consumption of alcohol boiled his brain cells to a pulp. However, in that moment he cornered me in his office, Kalum made it clear he'd been saving it for leverage on a rainy day such as me being his date for the annual commencement gala.

A couple weeks are a short and practically impossible amount of time for someone of Kalum's nature to change. Yet, one's past isn't something that one should dwell on but it also shouldn't be an imperative reason to judge a person's character. And although I didn't want to admit it, the same went for my father. Change is possible if the person wanted it badly enough. I take that thought with me as Kalum and I reach the front door.

Although his back was facing me, I sensed shame racking his body. I half expected for him to walk out without another word but he swiveled towards me, eyes imploring for forgiveness. "I know I don't get to pick and chose when I'm allowed to be in your life. And I especially don't deserve your forgiveness for what I've done or said to you in the past. But right now… I need it."

His words pull on my heartstrings – shredding the layers of hate that had been built up over the years. I want to console him, give him hope that maybe I could with time forgive him and see him as this new person. But there was nothing I could do or say that would give him promise – peace of mind because I myself had a clouded mind.

"Kalum… I –I." His fingers curled around the door handle. He clearly knew I wasn't only choking on my words but my thoughts towards him.

"Need time." Kalum's face smoothed into an impassive expression. The weight of my guilt bowed my head as I couldn't stand him being so understanding. My eyes track the shuffling of his feet stepping closer to me. Raising his hand from his side, Kalum traces a finger down the line of my jaw. My usual instinct would be to recoil from his touch, but a part of me leans in. I reprimand my body wretchedly for such a betrayal.

"All I ask is for you to take your time and think it over. Whatever the decision, I'll respect it." He says sanguinely. A smile forms on my lips, thinking the night is finally over and that those were his last words. But I was wrong. "But I hope you can also respect where I'm coming from when I say this." His words hit me in the chest. Out of all the things Kalum has told me tonight, it's this unknown declaration that leaves me breathless. He takes a step closer, intensity flaming in his blue-gray eyes. "You don't have to trust me but trust me on this. You're smart, Ana. Smart enough to know that what happened out there with whoever that guy is…" Kalum pauses, regaining his train of thought. "Just be careful." He then leaves, shutting the door behind him, not even giving me a chance to react. My body mechanically locks the door behind him.

A euphoric wave caresses over my weak and spent body as I hear silence for the first time in what seems like forever. The thought of solitude causes an internal shutdown. My back hits the closed door and slides down until I hit the hard floor, leaving me to wrestle back to some sort of sanity and muse over the night's series of unfortunate mind numbing events. I now not only have one decision but two. Both belonging to men I have unknown feelings towards and both could cause my life to change in ways I'm not prepared for.

My life two weeks ago was paradise compared to this. I didn't ask for my life to be this way, but it is. Running isn't an option and hiding would only delay the inevitable. My one and only option was clear. The cards are dealt and can't be altered. Now it's up to me on how I play my hand.