A/N-I've hinted that i would tell you Bertha's story-here it is-what I think might have happened. Getting inside her head was...very interesting.

THE SHADOW WIFE

I hardly know when it started, just that one day I saw a shadow in the corner of my room. The next day it was a little larger and the day after that even more so. After a while, wherever I went, the shadow went with me. No one else seemed to know that it was there; not my brother Richard, not my Father and there was no way to ask Mother because they kept her locked up in a separate house from ours. It was no use to ask Felix either, because my little brother never spoke—he just hummed—sometimes loud, sometimes soft—but never a word did he say.

I sometimes thought that my nurse, Delie, could see my shadow; but there was never any way to get Delie to tell you something if she did not wish it. "No Miss Toni, I don't know what you talking 'bout—I don't see nothing, me." Then she would grab hold of her amulet and cross herself for extra protection.

As I grew older, the shadow became more than a companion—it was my darker side; she had a name which she whispered in my ear one night when I was tossing and turning in my bed, "Call me Zoolah," she said, "The moon is full tonight—there is a storm coming, but tonight is clear—come out to the garden and we will dance in the moonlight." I went outside, and I danced to the sound of distant drums, and the cicadas which were very loud that year. They found me and made me come back into the house, my bare feet all dirty and bruised, my nightgown wet with dew, my hair in tangles—but for a while I had been free—so free!

When I was sixteen, there was a big party for me and I was presented to Society. Now I could put my hair up in beautiful hair styles such as I saw in the Fashion papers. I had pretty dresses and could go to parties and dance with young men. Zoolah liked the parties, she liked the pretty dresses, and she liked the young men—especially the young men. Zoolah had definite ideas about things that she and I could do with young men—Father would have been very angry if he could have heard Zoolah whispering in my ear. "Look at that one, Cherie, how he struts about—mmm, but such a form and how closely his trousers cling to him, eh?"

More and more, I would slip out of the house at night and roam about the garden. One night when the drums were louder than ever, Zoolah suggested that we go to see where they were. It was a long walk out of the town, but the moon was bright and we could see the road very clearly. At last we could see a bonfire with shadowy people moving about—that was where the drums were. The people there were dancing in the light of the fire, and soon I was dancing too. It was wonderful, I almost thought that I could fly like the terns which I would see when we went to the shore.

Delie found me, she was very upset with me and ordered me to leave and go home. "These not your doings, Miss Toni, you not belonging to be here, you must go now 'fore they find you not home like you 'spose to be." She called one of the young men away from the dance, "Here, you, Cesar, you take Miss Toni back to her house where she 'spose to be, y'hear?"

He brought out a pair of horses and put me up on one while he took the other. I looked at him, he was very handsome for such a dark man and I liked the look of his body—I wondered what it would be like to kiss him—Zoolah was giggling quietly behind me while these thoughts went through my head. I said, "Cesar, do you think I'm pretty?"

He looked at me appraisingly, "You're not too bad to look at."

"Cesar, do you have a girl—someone special?"

"Used to have—she went with someone else."

"Cesar, before we get to my house, would you kiss me?"

"What, here in the middle of the road?"

"No, over there in the grove—it's quiet and dark and no one will see us."

"Yes, they will; there's a watchman there so that nobody will steal the mangos. Wait til we get down the road a little further—I know where there's a barn no one is using."

"You've done this before!"

"Maybe I have, but I don't mind doing it again—you're very pretty."

Zoolah was laughing inside my head where he couldn't hear her. He helped me down from the horse, his hands lingering as they slid on my body. Oh how I loved the way it felt—I wanted more—much more. He put his hand on my back and urged me into the barn, the smell of hay intoxicated me. My breath was coming more quickly as I turned to face him—I pulled his face down to mine—our lips met—his mouth devoured mine. It was fantastic, his hands slid down my back, pressing me tight against him. I could stand no longer, we went down into a pile of straw together, his hands pulling at my clothing, my fingers fumbling with his buttons—until we were naked together. His hands were hot, his mouth was demanding, his body was urgent and I was eager to know all the secrets that had been kept from me because I was a "proper" young lady.

I learned a lot that night with Cesar. His comment was, "I didn't know you hadn't done this before—you should have said something."

I said, "But I liked you and I wanted to know how it would be to do this with somebody I liked. When I get married, I might not like the husband they choose for me, but I will have to do this anyway."

"Hmph! and your husband will not like it if he knows you have been doing this with someone else. Best let Delie know what you've done—she will know how to handle things so that no one will guess your secret."

"Cesar, I-I liked this very much—how soon can we meet again?"

"Tell Delie, she will arrange it all, if it suits her!"

"Sh-she will? Why would she do that?"

"Delie is my Tante, my Mother's sister—she will be glad for me—for us."

He took me home then—I slipped back into my room through the window and lay in my bed still filled with excitement from the experience I had shared with Cesar—I liked him very much—perhaps I was in love with him. It hurt a little bit, but I knew it would soon be healed, and I could go back to Cesar again. Zoolah was singing in my head—just a nonsense song—I was glad she was happy—I was happy too!

Delie came to me in the morning, "Cherie, Cesar told me what you did last night with him. That can make big trouble for you—don't you know no better?"

"Oh, Delie, it was so wonderful, I want to be with him again!"

"You foolish little girl—what gonna happen you catch a baby from this?"

"But we're not married—only married people have babies!"

"Good Lord, don't they teach you little girls no better than that? Here, drink this special tisane I make for you 'gainst you startin' a child—this not a good time for that to be happenin'! You startin' a baby, you not be goin' to no parties for sure! Your Papa find out what you be doin' he gonna whip you and then he kill my beautiful Cesar!"

"No no, Papa wouldn't do that!"

"Yes, he would—people like us—we got no power 'gainst those that got money. You gotta be careful, Miss Toni, "cause one of these days, he might find out what you been doin', and then he lock you up—just like your Mama!"

I was silent, even Zoolah was quiet—we knew she was right.

-xxx-

I was twenty-one now, and Zoolah was my constant companion at the parties I attended. My brother, Richard would bring me and take me home, but during the festivities he would disappear to drink and smoke and gamble with the other men. I would sit with the other young ladies and gossip and dance all the dances. The night would soon pass and I would be home at the dawn.

Cesar would be waiting for me in my room and we would while away the long morning with each other. Then Delie would come with my tisane and Cesar would slip out the back way to his duties in the stables. The other servants must have known what I was up to, but they were in a conspiracy of silence; besides, they were afraid of Delie—they said she had "powers". I had seen them sometimes when her back was turned, making the hooked finger sign against the "evil eye"-yes, they were wary of her.

Sometimes I thought Cesar could hear Zoolah's voice—she had been saying that it was very nice to be with him; but some of the others were very good to look at and maybe they would be a little different in the way they did things—more exciting, even. One time when I went to one of the bonfire gatherings, I found Cesar with a group of his friends and cousins—they were smoking something that didn't smell like tobacco. "Here, Cherie, come try this good stuff—it's very relaxing."

I liked it, even though it made me dizzy—they carried me off to a quiet place—we spent a long time there, several of us. Zoolah was very pleased with their attentions and wanted more.

"Hey, Cherie, you're wearing us out—Cesar, how come you didn't share this fine woman before this?"

Delie came and put a stop to it-"What the matter with you young fools? My Master hears of this, you'll get a beatin' that will kill you!" She made Cesar take me home, and this time the tisane she made for me was unusually bitter. "There now, Miss Toni, better you don't have no babies at all—you gettin' too wild for me!"

-xxx-

It was several years later when the young Englishman came. My Father told me that I was to marry him. He was not too bad to look at—not very handsome, perhaps—but his body was very muscular and well-developed. Zoolah liked the look of him—she thought we could have good times together.

Things were arranged very quickly—Cesar disappeared, I was distraught without him, but they hurried the thing through so fast that I was in the Church before I knew it. We were married—I was now Mrs. Edward Rochester—he called me by my first name—no more "Toni"-I was now Bertha Rochester. I was a new person, but Zoolah was still beside me, inside me—my dark sister.

After a while, I did not like my new life, my husband did not suit me—I missed Cesar and his friends. Zoolah told me I should go back to the bonfire when the moon was full—and dance—and maybe do a few more things besides. I went, but Cesar was not there and his friends would not talk about him—they were sharing some white powder—I tried it—what a fantastic feeling it gave me! I felt powerful—I could almost fly, higher than the flames of the bonfire! We had a very good time together—I never wanted to go home—back to my boring, proper husband and his idea of a correct married life.

Zoolah told me that she was going to take charge of things now, and that I should just rest and not concern myself. So, I let Miss Toni/Bertha Rochester go to sleep in a back corner of my head and watched while Zoolah indulged herself in doing all the things she liked best. She was very popular with Cesar's friends—I giggled at some of the things they were doing.

But then they found us—my husband was very upset with me—the doctors came and said I would have to be locked up. I fought and screamed, but it was no use, there were too many of them and they were stronger even than Zoolah. Worse was to come, some time later, I found myself on a ship—my husband said he was taking me to England.

I do not like it here; it is cold and the sun does not warm me. Everything looks wrong to me—not like Jamaica—no mountains, no sea—there are no palm trees and the flowers are very pale. Zoolah is not happy—she is very angry—when my husband comes to see how I am—she wants to kill him. He does not come very often—they say he goes away, travelling. Zoolah wants them to let her out so that she can travel too!

So now you know what really happened-remember she was five years older than he was-and neither of them really knew that they were being railroaded into marriage, and then it was too late. Jane and Edward will say farewell in the next chapter-but that won't be the end of the story.