Here's a musical episode, and a very lose parody of Oliver.
Unlike most stories, which begin at morning at camp, this story begins near the end of the day. Everyone was waiting outside the pool building for Ed, who had somehow gotten caught in the shower. Eddy and Double D had gone in to help him.
"I say we leave without them," announced Calvin.
Kevin shook his head. "You heard the counselors. They said to stick together."
"We NEVER stick together!" Calvin pointed out.
"The kid's right. Let's go." They all started to leave, when some dust appeared on the horizon.
"It's the Gator!" cried Nazz.
The Gator was the counselor's jeep-like car that they drove. Unlike other jeeps, it was smaller and could ride on any terrain. It stopped a few feet away from the kids, who ran back to the pool. Kevin approached it. The kids could hear him talking: "Yeah, of COURSE we're staying together! It's just that one of the dorks went and..."
A few minutes later, the counselors were inside helping Ed.
"Well," said Hobbes, "we'll have to entertain ourselves. I wish we'd brought something."
"We could always tell stories," suggested Linus.
Snoopy jumped onto a bench. "I've got one! It was a dark and stormy night..."
"I think I have a good story," said Jason, "and it's one that Calvin and Hobbes haven't heard. It's of how me and Marcus first came to camp."
Hobbes was excited. "Really? Is it good?"
"Of course it's good!" Jason began to narrate. "A long time ago in a galaxy far away..."
"Maybe I should tell it," interrupt Marcus. "You'd probably put Darth Vader in."
"Baby, I'd BE Darth Vader."
Marcus started to narrate for real. "It all started one morning at Jason's house. We had gotten over post school depression, and were delighting in pulling some great pranks."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long flashback began. Jason and Marcus were indeed pulling pranks by throwing water balloons at people.
(To the tune of "Food, Glorious Food")
Both: Pranks, glorious pranks
Hot days when the school's out
We're the one to thank
We throw all the rules out
Jason: Water balloons we have thrown
Marcus: Stink bombs that have stank
Both: Oh, pranks
Jason: Wonderful pranks
Marcus: Marvelous pranks
Both: Glorious pranks!
"Unfortunately," narrated Marcus, "Jason's siblings, Peter and Paige, complained to our parents. See, the last summer we'd been to a math camp, Camp Bohrmore, which was full this year. So that meant that we'd have to find another camp, which turned out to be nearby. Peter and Paige even took the liberty of driving us there..."
Jason and Marcus found themselves tied up and thrown into the car's backseat.
(To the tune of "Oliver")
Peter and Paige: Jason Fox, Jason Fox
Paige: We've had enough of your summer prank stuff
Peter and Paige: Marcus Jones, Marcus Jones
Peter: Here's what we'll do with the stupid kids, too
Paige: There's another camp that
We've signed you up for, to keep you there
Peter: While we sit and lounge
Peter and Paige: You're somebody else's problem
Jason and Marcus: Hey, that isn't fair
Peter and Paige: Jason Fox, Marcus Jones
Paige: And finally we will both be happy
Peter: And that's because
We have just dumped off
Peter and Page: Jason Fox!
The car stopped outside the Rec Center and the boys were thrown in, still tied up.
"Geez," said Jason, "when they forcibly drag me places, they usually untie me when we get there."
"Well, their guest star bit is over now," Marcus pointed out. He and Jason managed to untie themselves.
Jason looked around. "So this is the place, we have to come everyday? I bet it doesn't even have Internet access! A Rec Center is no place for respectable nerds like us!"
"Yeah," agreed Marcus, "and the TV won't even change. It's stuck on 'Full House' reruns. Abandon hope all ye who enter here..."
Double D walked out. "Well, at least someone else can quote good literature! But it's really not all that bad here. And I, as much I detest the phrase, am a nerd as well."
"Great!" said Marcus. "Do we have any other smart guys around here?"
"Well, aside from young Linus...not really. We have a rather odd dog, however."
"He'd better not eat Quincy!" cried Jason.
"Quincy?
"My iguana. I snuck him here."
"Better not let the counselors see," warned Double D. "They have a no animal policy."
"Then why do we have a dog here?" asked Marcus.
"They seem to think he's a 'funny-looking kid with a big nose.'" explained Double D. Jason and Marcus just stared. Double D laughed. "I know it sounds strange now, but I assure you, it will all make sense soon! Here, I'll take you to see Eddy. He's holding a meeting for select kids, and I'm sure you'll be welcomed!"
Consider yourself at home.
Consider yourself one of the family
We've taken to you so strong
It's clear we're going to get along
Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself par to the furniture
There isn't a lot to spare
Who cares?
What ever we've got we share!
Consider yourself our mate
We don't want to have no fuss
For after some consideration, we can state
Consider yourself
One of us!
Double D took them to a closet where Eddy had gathered most of the kids in camp. "How are all these 'select kids'?" asked Marcus.
"Hmm, it does seem like a lot," admitted Double D. "But I'm sure that's just us being in a small room that's causing an optical illusion."
Eddy spied Jason and Marcus. "Hey, who are the newcomers?"
"These are..." began Double D, until he realized he didn't know who they were. Embarrassed, he turned to the boys. "What are your names?"
Jason and Marcus introduced themselves.
"Well, I'm Eddy, the boss around here!"
"Hey!" called Kevin. "I'm the boss!"
"Then why are you at MY meeting?" snapped Eddy.
Kevin sat down. Eddy smiled. "That's what I thought."
"Perhaps you should begin," whispered Double D.
Ed danced out, wearing mouse ears. "I'm the Edketeer! Go me!"
"Here's what we're doing," announced Eddy. "Usually, me, Double D, and Ed do scams ourselves, but some weird new guy here suggested that we recruit more people to help. That's all of you!"
(To the tune of "Pick a Pocket Or Two")
Now, listen boys, 'cause I know
What I need, and that's dough
'Cause the honest way won't get you pay
Ed: You've got to pick-a-pocket or two
Eddy: You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys,
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two
Kids: Honest way won't get you pay
You've got to pick-a-pocket or twoEd (spoken): Am I a good Edketeer?
Eddy (spoken): Just don't screw this one up!
Eddy: Throw them all for a loop
Scams are best in a group
All of us win when cash comes in
Ed: Better to pick-a-pocket or two
Eddy: You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two
Kids: Sounds good to us, and why not?
Better pick-a-pocket or two
Jason (spoken): Hey, this is my kind of place! It's great to rip people off!
Double D: We're not bad as it seems
Lots of men have their dreams
Eddy: We are nice, but good advice
Ed: Is to go pick-a-pocket or two
Eddy: You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two
Kids: We agree here with Eddy
He says to pick-a-pocket or two
Eddy: My brother taught me this stuff
Though the scamming life is rough
It only feels like we all steal
Ed: We sorta pick-a-pocket or two
Eddy: You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.
Kids: Can't deny we sort of lie
All: We have to pick-a-pocket or two!
"Okay, perfect!" said Eddy. "You all get it. Now does everybody have a scam planned?"
"Yes," announced everyone but Jason and Marcus.
"Great! Now, get out there and scam!" Eddy hopped down to Jason and Marcus. "You two stay here and start planning."
"Hey, we'll have something done in a second!" assured Jason. "We do this kind of thing all the time."
"Something pigeons would like!" suggested Ed.
Double D stepped in. "Ahem. Not literally, of course. We can't wait to see what you think of!"
Eddy turned to the others. "And as for the rest of you...""
Double D: You can go, but be back soon
You can go, but just remember
That when you're out scamming
Ed: There's a guy here who sings
Eddy: Grab that cash and be back soon
Because you're a team member
So come back this afternoon
Eds: Be back soon
Kids: And when we're in the distance
We'll hear this
Whispered tune...
Have fun, don't forget
You will return yet
We'll be back soon
Eds: Have fun, don't forget
You will return yet
We'll be back soon
Everyone but Jason and Marcus marched out. Eddy was the last to leave and closed the door, which revealed a nerdy-looking boy (yes, even worse than Jason) hiding behind it. "Hello, boys."
"It was Eugene, our old math camp rival," narrated Marcus. "We had no idea what he was doing here."
"Eugene?!" cried Jason. "Just when I thought this place couldn't get any worse!"
"I feel the same way," replied Eugene.
"I thought you'd be at Camp Bohrmore or something," said Marcus.
"I was, but I used the computers and the camp's natural resources for a world domination plot. Needless to say, I was kicked out. So I decided to come here instead. I never expected to run into you two, though."
"Why did you choose this place?" asked Marcus. "These don't seem to be your kind of people."
Eugene grinned the kind of grin only conceited villains have. "They're not! But they're a lot of fun to mess with. After I learned about a certain three that share the same name, I convinced Eddy to start a scam group."
"So?" stared Jason.
"I'm getting him to recruit more and more people," explained Eugene. "Soon, they'll have no one to scam but each other, which means that they won't be able to trust anyone! Everyone will lose their friends, and I'll simply go to some other camp and do the same thing!"
"Why are you doing this?" asked Marcus.
"Because I can! Because I have a grudge against the world!"
(To the tune of "I'd Do Anything")
Eugene: I'll do anything
For revenge
For that is the best thing there is
I know that
I'd do anything
For the heck, anything
For the heck, anything
It's bliss
Jason: Would you mess with minds?
Eugene: Anything!
Marcus: Leave all peace behind?
Eugene: Anything!
Jason: Get things intertwined
Eugene: Anything!
Marcus: And what would you find?
Eugene: That I love it!
I'll do anything
For evil, anything
Yes, I'd do anything...
Jason and Marcus: Anything?!
Eugene: Anything for that!
"Wow," said Jason, "you're a bigger jerk than I thought, and that's really saying something."
"What do you care?" defended Eugene. "You're above them. You never call your get-rich-quick ideas scams. You're a professional. Still, I've been thinking. Things will be pretty bad around here once everyone splits up, and my absence at math camp leaves one empty spot. One of you could take my place."
Jason shook his head. "We can't leave each other."
"And they recently allowed pets there..." Eugene mentioned, a bit too casually.
"Jason, you should go," said Marcus. "What if the counselors see Quincy and want to take him away?"
Jason rolled his eyes. "If they think a dog is a kid with a big nose, we can easily convince them that Quincy's a midget with a skin condition."
"Seriously," said Marcus. "You should go. Be happy learning out there. You want it more than me."
"But..." stammered Jason, "I don't even know how I'll get there!"
"Feel free to use my pride and joy!" Eugene led the boys outside to reveal a large purple blimp with his face on it. "I love this thing."
"Like I'm gonna ride in something with a picture of THAT on it." Jason turned to his best friend. "Marcus, what will you do?"
"I can always try to reconstruct this camp."
"Yeah, right," Eugene said under his breath.
"Sorry, Jason," sighed Marcus. "But if you don't get on that blimp, you're gonna regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wait a second!" Calvin interrupted Marcus's narration. "If Jason can't quote from movies, why are you?"
"He actually said that," admitted Jason.
"That's pretty embarrassing," said Hobbes.
Marcus smiled weakly. "Yeah, I should have left that out." He got back to the story.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," narrated Marcus, "Jason got on that blimp and flew away, leaving me alone."
Eugene laughed as the blimp flew into the gray skies above. "Ha! I'm winning already!"
"What?" said Marcus.
"Before I bring this camp to its' knees, I broke up YOUR friendship, which is all I ever wanted!" Eugene laughed again and walked inside. Marcus sighed and lay down on the grass, looking into the sky.
Marcus: Where is love?
Does it fall from skies above?
Is it...
"Wow," narrated Marcus, "this is getting more and more humiliating. I'm gonna skip my ballad and cut to Jason, who sat up in the blimp with a song of his own..."
Indeed, Jason sat in the blimp with Quincy. He was impressed with all the buttons Eugene had installed. He checked the radar. He had almost reached Camp Bohrmore. But what about Marcus? He may have kept Quincy, but he had to admit that you couldn't really have a good conversation with it. And why was Eugene being so generous?
(To the tune of "Reviewing the Situation")
Jason: Have I made a mistake?
It's possible
For this trip that I take?
It's possible
Because judging from the thing's I heard and seen
I have made a wrong choice leaving Marcus with Eugene
I'm reviewing the situation
Is a better life back in that simple camp?
All the trials and tribulations
But when your friend is there, spirits are never damp
That's right! Eugene's plan isn't justified
If we scam, we do it with pride
It's like us to just give in
To fall over with bowling pins
With us apart, Eugene will win
...I think I'd better turn this thing around!
Hey!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I didn't know the kids very well yet," narrated Marcus, "but they were potential friends, and I couldn't let Eugene torture them. I went back inside to warn Eddy."
Marcus approached Eddy. "Eddy, I was talking to Eugene and..."
Eugene waltzed over and started to lead Eddy away before Marcus could finish. "Hey, Eddy, I've gotta talk business with you..."
"Awesome!"
Marcus followed them. "But he's just trying to..."
"Let's take the hoverscooter!" cried Eugene. He used a remote to signal a mini hoverscooter that wizzed him and Eddy away.
Not giving up, Marcus ran over to Double D. "Double D, there's something..."
Again, before he could finish, Eugene flew over and grabbed Double D as well. Marcus ran to Ed next. "Hey, Edketeer guy!"
"That's not my name, so you can wear it out."
"Whatever. Look, Eugene's setting you up! If so many people are pulling scams at once, there'll be no one around to buy anything, and everyone will be against each other! You'll have chaos!"
"Eddy says not to talk to the customers and to act like the wall." Ed fell against the wall.
"What is wrong with you people?!" cried Marcus. He looked down the hall and saw everyone positioned with different booths, ready to scam.
"I don't think there was anyone here who WASN'T scamming," narrated Marcus. "Since two Eds were busy and one was being the wall, I had to warn the kids themselves."
Marcus went to Lucy's psychiatrist booth. "Excuse me, I..."
Lucy ignored him. "Unless you have an appointment, don't waste my time."
"You don't understand!" cried Marcus. "These scams will..."
"I was giving out psychiatric help long before the scams," interrupted Lucy. "Go complain to the others."
Marcus went to Sarah next. "Look, you guys have to..."
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sarah. "We're not supposed to start selling stuff 'till we get the signal!"
"But Eugene's planning to..." Marcus was cut off when Eugene flew down the rows in his hoverscooter, slamming into Marcus.
"START!" announced Eugene. The kids pranced through the halls, singing all the way.
Kids: Who will buy
This wonderful morning?
Such a sky
You never did see!
Who will tie
It up with a ribbon
And put it in a box for me?
Marcus ran around, trying to get the kids' attention, but he did no good. The kids were too busy attempting to sell nonexistent people things. Eugene began to chase Marcus. "Get back here! I have to show you my taser!"
Marcus was chased down the hall, where he ran into a dead end. He turned around to see Eugene flying closer holding the taser. Suddenly, Jason jumps onto him and grabs the hoverscooter remote. He used it to crash Eugene's hoverscooter into the wall, where the taser landed on Eugene, zapping the villain.
"What made you come back?" asked Marcus.
"Fagin number."
"Oh. Well, the kids are looking for someone to scam, but I don't think there's anybody out there."
"Where did they go?" asked Jason.
The kids had all danced into one of the main rooms. "Someone must be in there!" declared Marcus.
Jason and Marcus peered in to see the kids dancing around Charlie Brown, singing louder than ever.
Kids: WHO WILL BUY
THIS WONDERFUL MORNING?
"They're gonna kill the poor guy!" said Jason.
Marcus got an idea. "I think we'll have to fight singing with singing!" The two of them jumped onto a table.
(The tune of "Oom-Pah-Pah")
Jason: Here's a little ditty
About how we both pity
You kids who have fallen for Eugene's mean trick
He's nobody's friend here
In fact, we recommend here
That you listen to us before he gets his kicks
Both: Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
Listen up kids
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
To what Eugene did
He wants to win, but that we both forbid
Listen to oom-pah-pah!
Marcus: Like us, Eugene's geeky
But he's also quite sneaky
You've got nobody to sell all your scam stuff to
Eugene knew the whole time
So don't fall for this old crime
And don't let him manage to trick all of you
Both: Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
Listen up kids
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
To what Eugene did
He wants to win, but that we both forbid
Listen to oom-pah-pah!
The kids all glared at Eugene, who was crawling in. He looked up. "Uh-oh." Eugene ran for it and jumped into his blimp, flying away as everyone watched. "HA! Thanks for bringing my blimp back, Jason! This plan might have failed, but you haven't seen the last of me!"
"I think we just got ourselves a recurring villain," sighed Jason.
Snoopy ran over. "Not yet, boys!" Snoopy sent a stream of Woodstock birds up at the blimp. "Fly, my pretties!"
Eugene saw the birds and began to fire little missiles at them. The birds dodged them and managed to peck a hole in the blimp. It crashed down in the distance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So did he ever come back?" asked Calvin.
"Not yet," said Marcus.
"LOOK!" shouted Eddy. "HIS BLIMP!" Everyone looked in the sky. "Made ya look!"
As they all looked the other way, a familiar blimp flew by in the sky behind them.
Hobbes turned back. "Very funny. So what happened after that?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the flashback, Linus turned to Jason and Marcus. "I believe I should say this. You see, after some consideration, we can state..."
Everyone: Consider yourself
One of us!
Elsewhere, the Eds sat outside, dejected. "That scamming nearly ruined camp, Eddy," said Double D after a while. "Do you think this is a sign?"
"I got a message in my Chunky Puffs this morning," Ed remembered. "It is the milk men and their Plan 10 from outerspace!"
Eddy: Huh. Can somebody change?
Double D: It's possible
Eddy: Maybe it's strange
Ed: But it's possible
Double D: We almost destroyed all that we loved through scams
Eddy: I could turn a leaf over
Double D: And then see who I am
They started to walk into the sunset when Jason and Marcus ran over. "Hey, guys!" called Jason. "My mom's here to pick us up! You wanna come over?"
Double D was surprised. "You're inviting us over?"
"Milkmen..." whispered Ed.
"Sure," smiled Marcus. "We can bug Jason's siblings...set up a scam or two..."
Eddy: I'm reviewing the situation
Once a scammer
You're a scammer to the end
Double D: And Eddy, for your information
It looks like we Eds have finally found a friend
Ed: We'll see lots of things from outerspace
Eddy: We'll get jawbreakers, stuff my face
Double D: Indeed I hear victory ring
Jason: And none of us guys learned a thing
Marcus: I think this is the last reprise
Ed: I really like the taste of cheese
Eddy: And I know that this will be fun
Double D: I wonder what has just begun
All: I think we'll have to think it out again! Hey!
"And so," narrated Marcus, "we danced into the sunset. And that's how it happened."
"I'm putting in Han Solo next time," added Jason.
This will probably be the only episode with Peter and Paige. But not for Eugene...