Chapter 21: Loss
"You are the biggest . . . idiot ever born!"
Ben paused in the doorway to the docking bay at the sound of Professor Utonium's voice. A confrontation wasn't exactly unexpected, but at the moment it was unwelcome since he already felt horrible enough. His head was pounding and there was a knot in his stomach and his emotions were raw. Slowly he turned and faced the man, knowing what to expect. Utonium was furious. Beyond furious. He fixed Ben with an ice-cold stare and said,
"I just had to sedate my fifteen-year-old son. He was hysterical and hyperventilating and I had to knock him unconscious to keep him from injuring himself further. He's under the impression that you're holding his age and his decision on how to treat his present condition against him."
"I don't-"
Utonium ignored his attempted protest. "He has no idea of what he's done that you should walk out on him like this and leave him. He doesn't blame you, but he can't help but think that you blame him."
"No!" Ben shot back before he could be interrupted again. He stepped toward the Professor, matching his intensity but not his anger. "I don't blame Dexter. He made the right decision. I know it wasn't easy for him."
"How would you know? You haven't been here."
"You're right. I haven't. But I know how much this cost him. I know how much he wanted to grow up and become an adult."
"You knew that and you still couldn't be here for him?"
"I wanted to, Professor. I just . . ." He slumped, hating himself and the truth. Rubbing his head, he quietly admitted, "I left and it was just . . . easier to be away from here."
"And Dexter."
He erupted, and it felt good in a strange way. "And everything that happened because of me!"
"But you didn't do this to him!"
He held his left arm up, displaying the Omnitrix. "Yes. I. Did."
Those gray eyes narrowed in a hearty glare that Ben somehow withstood. "So you're just going to run away again? That's your answer?"
"I'm leaving – and I'm staying away – so Vilgax doesn't track me right back to Dexter. Believe me, Professor, he's coming back. He can't tolerate losing and every time he comes here, that's just what happens. Dexter hurt him and stood up against him and escaped. Vilgax won't stop until he's had his revenge."
"I'd say he's getting it right now, Benjamin."
That surprised him. Dexter had said something similar. Ben frowned. "What?"
"If you go now and don't return, you'll destroy Dexter even more effectively than Vilgax could ever manage. "
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means exactly what it sounds like." He shook his head sadly, disappointed in this young man that he held so dear and whom his son loved so completely. "Well. You lied to me and now you're lying to yourself. You're not leaving to protect Dexter. You're leaving to protect Ben Tennyson."
Without another word he turned away, leaving Ben even more desolate and confused than before. His emotions in a tumult, he managed to find his way to the docking bay and the waiting SCAMPER. Ignoring the chattering voices and the greetings hurled his way by people he didn't know, Ben sank into a seat among the other soldiers awaiting transport to the front, leaning back into the cushions and closing his eyes as he tried to sort through his feelings and Utonium's words. There was an odd sensation of burning in his stomach, as if he was poised to leap into battle. Who was he fighting? Himself? He'd never felt so lost and uncertain in his life.
It stung to be called a liar, and he didn't think it was quite true. Everyone lied, but it was the degree and intent that set the severity of the transgression. Certainly he lied in his capacity as the Wielder of the Omnitrix. He lied to protect people and to help in battle and to outwit the people and aliens that would do him harm. When it came to people he loved and trusted, though, he was a rotten liar. He knew what Utonium meant. He had sworn not to hurt Dexter and despite his noble intentions, he knew perfectly well that he had crushed the young genius. In Ben's mind, though, this was less a lie and more along the lines of breaking a promise, which was worse. Was he being selfish by making this choice without Dexter's input? He had known full well the younger teen would reject any suggestion that they break up. Was he running away? Was it from Dexter or Vilgax or himself?
He understood the Professor's anger and frustration with him. Deep down, Ben felt the same wrath that he should be forced by circumstances to make such a choice and walk away from the most wonderful and loving relationship he had ever known or ever wanted to know. He didn't even try to tell himself otherwise – he loved Dexter utterly. There was no fighting the feeling, especially since it consumed him. It was almost frightening how completely the redhead dominated his thoughts and dreams. He loved him, cherished him, fantasized about him constantly, carried out imagined conversations in his head with him, and more than once he'd laughed aloud at the mere memory of things Dexter had said.
If only the Professor could understand the desperation that drove Ben. His conduct and lack of control had put Dexter in this terrible situation and no matter how painful it was, he could more easily accept Dexter alive and hurting than dead (or worse) at Vilgax's hand.
Dexter would be all right. He had his father and sisters to take care of him. Ben would still fight for him even if the only reward he received in the end was the knowledge that Dexter was alive. He couldn't imagine a world without that fiery temper and crazy accent, and he really didn't want to. Maybe someday Dexter would forgive him. He could only hope.
"Ben?"
Surprised, he snapped to only to find himself face-to-face with Number One. The KND's concern was evident as he leaned in and softly asked,
"Are you feeling all right? You look awful. You're pale as a sheet."
He shifted a little, aware of the attention just being Ben Tennyson was generating. "I . . . yeah, I'm just really tired, Nige."
Yeah, he was a crap liar. Nigel Uno gave him a questioning look and quickly came to a decision. "There's a bunk behind the cockpit. Why don't you lie down and try to sleep? I'll make it an order if I have to," he added, gently teasing.
It was too good an offer to pass up, so Ben gladly followed him forward. The narrow, recessed bunk was occupied by half a dozen Rainbow Monkey plush toys and a blanket covered with cartoon characters. He piled a few monkeys up as a pillow and curled up around another and let something akin to sleep claim him. He tried not to think, but a deep, lonely emptiness filled his heart and mind, and no matter what he tried, he could not convince himself that his decision to walk away was all for the best.
()()()()()()()()()()
He knew what had been done to him as soon as he woke up. The sense of heavy grogginess and the taste in his mouth were unmistakable, and he knew he had been knocked out. Again. Even if it was for his own good, it was still annoying. And where were his glasses? He was sick of the world being one big blur.
Ben.
Misery such as he had never known slammed down upon him. He had been shocked by Ben's decision to break off their relationship. He was still reeling. So many hopes and dreams – gone. Wiped out. Destroyed. A few words, and the world had ended.
Ben thought he was doing the right thing. Dexter knew that. That did nothing to allay the grief that filled him. He had never known such emotional pain was possible. From the start he had placed his heart and all his trust in Ben's hands. He had dared to dream of forever. And now . . . this.
Ben.
Even though Ben rejected him as a lover, their friendship was even more important – to them both, or so Dexter had thought. But even that lifeline had been severed. Ben wasn't returning. Was it the notion that Dexter would not age, or not age very far, from this point? He hadn't said anything about leaving until Dexter had told him about his decision. Was the thought of being with a child so repugnant to Ben? He had believed that issue had been dealt with. Hadn't Ben found him attractive? He thought of the morning he had tested the Speed Demon and Ben's hands, so warm and strong, gliding down his sides to his hips before pulling him in close and tight. What was that if not desire? What had happened to make him repulsive?
There was no anger in him, just confusion and uncertainty. Dexter could grasped Ben's skewed logic, though he could not understand why the brunet would think that leaving him would somehow ensure his safety from the likes of Vilgax. Ben knew the alien dictator best. Perhaps he was right. It didn't make the loss any easier to bear. Even if Ben had given up loving him, Dexter could not simply turn off his emotions and stop loving Ben. The connection was too much a part of him to ever abandon.
He thought back, remembering the harshly-spoken words he had flung at the older teen. He should have let Ben speak. He should have listened. Reasoned. Instead he had made demands and shut Ben down just the way Kevin Levin always did and Ben . . . oh, god, Ben had let him do it. Why? Why had he been so stupid?
The twilit hospital room in DexLabs Medical became blurrier still as tears filled his eyes. The pain of his shattered leg paled in comparison to the ache in his heart. There were no hysterics this time, no alarms or rushing about. There was just a lonely, stricken, mourning teenage boy silently crying out his grief at everything he had lost.
Ben.