Now that he'd spoken to Dean, Sam wanted to tell Lara his plans. Needed to tell her, even as he wondered if she would care. He made to go towards the kitchen but Cas stopped him on the way.
"Are you ok Sam?" His blue eyes were full of concern.
"I'm..." he was all ready to say he was fine. Just like he always did. Then changed his mind. "I don't know Cas. Its been a crazy day. No, wait... did I say day? I meant life. Every damn day is a rollercoaster of shitty lows followed by even shittier lows." He stopped himself, embarrassed. "Sorry Cas, I didn't mean to get all whiny..."
"You have nothing to apologise for - you're been through so much. Even today you endured significant trauma. You and Dean have taken on the world's problems more than once, and been forced to suffered the consequences."
"Same could be said for you Cas. I know how it feels to be..." He didn't want to bring himself to say the word possessed. "...to have Lucifer inside you, inside your head. Like you did." The thought was sickening.
Castiel also paled at the thought. No, at the memory of it actually happening. "It's true that we've all borne great burdens - us more than most. But I'll feel a lot lighter once I can get back to tracking Lucifer and then putting him down. For good."
Hell, if anyone could get on board with that it was Sam. "Do you have any idea where he is?"
"No, I lost him completely once we began our search for you after your abduction. And I've been kept busy ever since Dean's...um" He couldn't seem to find the right way to phrase it. "Since...um you...left us."
Sam felt his friend's awkwardness. And sadness. "Cas, as soon as Haversham is dead we're going back to the States. And I'm talking no later than tomorrow. You can count me in for any help you need to find Lucifer. Anything at all."
"You're coming home?!" Castiel's face lit up like it was Chinese new year. The change was dramatic and made Sam feel guilty all over again at the way he'd treated his friend.
"Yeah buddy, I'm coming home."
"And you and Dean? How's...?"
"Not great. Honestly Cas, it never will be. But I won't let that get in the way of doing what we do best...putting monsters in the ground. And that includes Lucifer."
"It will be...it will be so good to have you back with us Sam." Castiel put a hand on Sam's shoulder and squeezed it hard. On impulse, Sam reached out and grabbed Castiel into a huge hug. He had missed his friend so much. He hadn't realised just how much. A prickling from behind his eyes started and he blinked it away.
He let go of Cas and steeled himself against the prospect of the much more difficult conversation he needed to have.
Lara was back in the kitchen, halfway through another can of cider. She seemed unable to meet his eyes as he opened the fridge and grabbed a beer, fiddling with the ring pull for too-long a moment. In the end he stepped up close enough to her that she surely had to look up at him. But there seemed to be a very interesting spot on the wall just behind him that she seemed fascinated with. He didn't let it put him off. "Um, hey. Will...um, will there be any problem with you getting us that tracker from your office?"
Finally she turned to look at him. He savoured the moment, trying to commit every freckle, every line to memory. He knew he would dream about her for a long, long time.
"The biggest problem will be avoiding all the questions. Everyone will want to know where I've been all day."
He nodded casually, low key. Opened the can and took a long swallow. "What are you going to say?"
"At the moment I'm torn between 'I was kidnapped and held hostage but it's ok cos I was rescued by an angel' or 'I had the runs and couldn't get off the loo'. Not sure which would work best." Her voice had an edge to it that he couldn't quite work out. "What do you think Sam?"
Again, some kind of mad emotional impulse took over him and he grabbed one of her hands and held onto it like it was the only thing stopping him from drowning. "I'm so sorry Lara. I don't even know how to begin to make this better for you."
Her brown eyes searched his. They looked so sad. "I know you are Sam. I am too. I..." She didn't finish the sentence. It was easier for her to swallow some more cider.
"Hey, its ok. I get it. You don't have to explain."
"I want to. It's just..."
"Seriously, don't. You don't need to explain to me. You don't owe me anything." The moment hung heavily. He took his hand away with no resistance from her. He decided he didn't really want the beer after all, and put it on the counter for Dean. Then changed his mind and picked it back up again. He hated how uncertain and unconfident he was when around her.
Lara took a big swig of her can, finishing it off before asking "What are you going to do once you've...kil...once you're done here?"
"Leave. Go back home with Dean and Cas."
"Home? As in America? So does this mean you've made up with your brother?" She seemed a little bit angry. "I thought you hated every single last thing to do with him? You were nothing but disgusted by him two hours ago."
He finished off his can and put it down on the counter next to Lara's. Turned them both so they were facing the same way. "I was. I did." It was so hard to explain. "A big part of me still is, I guess. But today has affected me in ways I couldn't begin to imagine. I've got to work everything out properly and I think I have to be home to do it. It wont ever be the same with him as it was, but maybe we can get somewhere better than we are now." He hoped. He shrugged.
Lara's anger softened. "I wish you both the best. No, more than that - I wish you peace Sam, you desperately need it. But I also think you're never gonna get it."
Sam was struck by her brutal honesty and it must have showed on his face.
"Oh - I don't mean that in a horrible way and hey, its just my opinion, but the stuff that you're running back to? How's that ever gonna make you a healthy and happy person?"
He swallowed. "It won't. Not in the way you mean, anyhow. But hunting with Dean's all I've ever really known and I guess there's a certain kind of comfort in that." It sounded as weak to him as it did to her.
She sighed. Pursed her lips into a 'whatever' shape. "Then I best hurry up and go get your tracker so you can go do your thing." She left the kitchen in something between a storm and a flounce, muttering 'what is it with men and their total lack of ability in seeing any goddam common sense.'
He followed her out into the living room to see that Dean had opened the heavy curtains and some of the windows. He'd also found some old coats and jackets and laid them out on top of the soiled carpeting.
"Home from home eh Sam? Stayed in worse places..." He said it like that was a good thing.
Lara grabbed the cell phone, handbag and coat that had been taken from her when they had first arrived at the apartment. "Well, this is me off." She paused. "Um...where exactly are we?"
Sam realised he had no idea either.
"Whitechapel" answered Cas. "The underground station is about five minutes walk away."
"Oh wow, ok, at least I kind of know where I am. Nearer than I thought. I'll be back in a couple of hours at the most then I reckon."
"You going on your own?" Sam frowned and looked around. "She's going on her own?"
"Yeah...I don't need an escort to my office, thanks. Been there before once or twice." She was irritated at him and that irritated Sam. Then she took it a step further. "Do you want me to bring us back some take-away?"
"You're coming back?"
"Well duh, how else are you gonna get the tracker? So...food or no?"
"Yes food!" Dean was definitely up for that. "Pizza for me. Large pepperoni. Sam?"
"I meant...I don't know. Whatever." His frown deepened at Lara planning on coming back to the apartment. He didn't want her here. He wanted her home safe, and well out of the sphere of chaos that pretty much permanently surrounded him and his brother.
"Get him a veggie one, he likes all that crap. You sure you don't need one of us to tag along? I don't think this area is gonna be too great once it gets dark."
"No thanks Dean, its fine." Oh him she smiles sweetly at when he asked her the same question I did.
Cas spoke up. "Or I can come?"
"Jeez guys! Tell you what, once I'm back at the tube station one of you can come meet me there, alright? I'll call when I get out. Castiel, what pizza do you want?"
"Oh, I don't eat, but thank you. Please - at least let me walk you as far as the station?"
She threw her hands up in the air, theatrically. "Oh my god! Ok already! You've worn me down. Lets go - but I need to know why you don't eat..."
Lara and Cas' conversation faded as they left the apartment, leaving Sam and Dean properly alone for the first time in a long time. Being late afternoon in October, the light was already starting to fade outside. Even with the curtains now open, the room had taken on a dingy grey hue so Dean snapped on all the light switches. Wasn't his electricity bill.
They looked at each other properly under the unflattering harsh lighting. Sam, blood stained and tired. Dean, looking older, with new worry lines etched onto his face. Sam saw his resemblance to dad more and more.
"I don't want her to stay Dean..."
"I know, you told me! Soon as we've eaten she's gone."
"Good, ok."
"Ok."
Silence. Not even a peep from the guys in the pleasuredome.
It was awkward. It got to the point where Dean went over to the TV and plugged it back into the wall. The sound of Sky Sports filled the room. "Where's the remote? You seen it?" Dean scrambled around until he found it lying on the floor by the side of the couch. Putting his feet up, he settled in as only Dean can, flicking his way through the channels before settling on an old Scooby Doo.
Sam, meanwhile, stood around like a spare part, not knowing where to put himself. The couch was filthy and he wasn't as into cartoons as Dean. At least not since he was six, anyway. So he hovered, knowing it would annoy Dean - it always did - until finally, eventually, Cas came back holding a thin plastic bag.
"Sam. There was a shop selling sweaters near the station so I bought you one." He pulled it out of the bag and held it up. It was obviously aimed at tourists as it had a big Union Jack flag with 'Welcome to London' plastered across the front in hideous Comic Sans font. There was one second where you could actually feel the air around them contract before Dean exploded it with laughter. He went red, he started choking, he was crying with laughter so hard that Sam went from deeply annoyed to actually concerned for his welfare. Cas just looked confused.
"Oh...oh no way..." Sam was adamant. "I'm not wearing that!"
"The shirt you are wearing is unsanitary, you have to change it."
"I don't and I wont."
"Its covered in blood and smells terrible - surely you can't be comfortable wearing it?"
"Its gross...but that sweater's worse!"
Cas looked crestfallen. "I'm sorry Cas, I don't mean to offend you. Its just...the shirt is just..."
"Awesome!" Dean couldn't help himself. "It's an awesome shirt Cas. And clean. C'mon Sammy - don't be so ungrateful! He went out of his way for you!"
Sam huffed. And puffed. And didn't see a way out of it. So he grabbed the shirt off Cas with extreme sulkiness and stomped off to the bathroom to go wash up.
Bill's bathroom was dirtier and stinkier than Sam was. By a looonnng way. There was no soap, no towel. Not even any toilet paper. So he had to settle for just stripping off the now-crimson shirt and pulling the new sweatshirt straight on.
It was warm at least. With Dean having opened the windows, the chill October air had seeped into the living room. Dean raised an eyebrow at him and sniggered. "Well here he is, a proper British gent. Awright guvna, up the apples and pears..."
Sam was baffled.
"You've been here too long," said Cas. "and your cockney accent is just awful."
"Well you have a go then!"
"I...no I wont Dean, I've told you, I don't do accents."
Sam listened to their easy banter and fought down the envy that came up to surprise him. It was so different to the awkward silence of him and Dean when they were alone. It was his own fault, he supposed, for leaving them. No! It was Deans fault for lying to him and forcing him to leave! He tried to muster up the old anger but let it go. He was just too drained. Instead he ignored their ridiculous conversation and slouched leggily in one of the hard back chairs, tiredly watching cartoons and waiting for Lara to return.