Chapter Twenty – Damaged Soul

A few hours later Light woke up in bed, in his pajamas. He must have passed out for about 3 hours at least. His father was there, as was Misa and the rest of the Task Force. Light was a bit confused as well because he was unconscious for quite a while so he asked Aizawa what happened.

"What happened back there?" Light asked Aizawa.

"You passed out while we were walking back so I had to carrying you here" Aizawa said. "You must have been out in the rain for a long time. Long enough to get sick. You were at a damp and dirty place back there and Matsuda took your temperature. You apparently have a high fever."

"So that means I can't come to the meeting tomorrow" Light said trying to get up only to feel some pain.

"You're too weak to do it Light" Matsuda said. "We are going to contact Near, and ask him to delay the meeting."

"If that is the case, I think it will take me 7 days to fully recover" Light said. "At least I am comfortable here."

"Do you need anything Light?" said Soichiro.

"I need a cup of hot tea and then a long rest" Light said. "Could you leave me alone with Misa as well."

During that time, Misa was able to finish writing the names of the criminals she decided to kill that day. She was watching over Light as he was sleeping. She noticed Light was having nightmares because of the behaviors she saw while he slept. Light was actually having nightmares of the upcoming encounter he was going to have with Near, ranging from realistic to a surreal nightmare of Near being a god of death. Light was dreaming of things to come and because of how miserable his life had become it wasn't a surprise.

Back in the room where the Task Force worked, Aizawa was able to contact Near. The screen showed a big N like it usually did as Aizawa started to speak.

"Near", Aizawa said, "we have to delay our meeting."

"What do you mean we have to delay our meeting?" Near said. "What's wrong?"

"Apparently Light got a fever today and he won't be strong enough to do this until at least January 30th."

"The latest date I can do this at is February 1st" Near said. "If this is the case, I think that would be the best day for us to do it. We will all meet at the nursery school on February 1st."

"February 1st it is" Aizawa said. "We better not have any more delays."

"Trust me" Near said. "We won't."

While Light was sleeping he was beginning to think of everything he went through in his life and was able to find days where he was truly happy. Light now thought that the days he was truly happy were the days he wasn't the owner of the Death Note, the days he truly missed from his life and it is all because he got that Death Note. Light began to think of what his Conscience said that Kira was coming for him once he entered that nursery school. Did Kira really have the power of taking over him again? Kira had temptations but Light wasn't sure if he had enough control over himself to erase Kira from his mind. What did it mean to erase Kira from his mind? Did it mean to forget he was Kira at all or did it mean just eliminate that hallucination from his mind. He wasn't sure? Light would need to find out before he entered the nursery school but he didn't know how to do this.

After several hours of sleep, Light finally woke up. With his lack of strength he was still confined to the bed. At the moment of waking up he thought "I am alive, but I don't want to be alive" It was then that he saw Misa on a stool near the bed. He then asked Misa the question he had been wanting to ask her since he got his memories back again.

"Misa" Light said.

"Light" Misa said back.

"Misa" Light said. "I don't think I'll last much longer so please Misa, go on without me."

"No Light" Misa said "You were the one person I truly felt alive with. You can't leave me now."

"Misa" Light said. "There is more to life than just me. I may have been the person to give you a new reason to live but that doesn't mean there are not other reasons to live as well. I thought the Death Note gave me a new reason to live, but the truth is that is made me wish my life away."

"But Light", Misa said, "you have been like an idol to me. A figure to look up to."

"Misa" Light said. "Nothing lasts forever, not even me. I don't know when I'll die but when I do, you must move on." The truth of the matter was that Light did know when he was going to die. He was going to die on February 1st alongside with Near and he was planning this ever since they made contact with Near again.

It was then that Light said to Misa "Could you hug me?" and Misa did it without demand. Misa's hugs always made Light feel better ever since he killed Sayu. It was the only way of knowing that there were people who still cared about him a lot and he cared about them. Light was nothing but a damaged soul now, a stray dog trying to find its owner but getting lost all the time. He was practically crippled as a human being and there wasn't much left for him to do.

"Misa" Light said. "I will still be with you even after I die. You must realize this."

"But you won't" Misa complained.

"Trust me Misa" Light said. "I will. I have gone too far. I've lost too much to turn back now. The fact is that I care about you and I want you to be happy. I just might have to make this sacrifice."

"You might" Misa thought. "He didn't say when he was going to die."

"Misa" Light said. "You have been writing criminals names behind my back. You care about me so much to keep me alive. Can you see that I care about you to want to keep you alive? We are both broken souls, Misa. You lost your parents while I lost my sister and if it wasn't for our decision making, they would still be alive. We cared about them enough that it changed our direction in life and it led us to this point. Me and you, we are not so different. We are very similar and it hasn't been till recently that I have seen this."

"I can understand" Misa replied. "You want me to keep you company?"

"Yes" Light said. "I feel more comfortable when you are around."

Back at the hotel Mello and Matt were staying at, Mello found that the room smelled smokier that usual.

"Matt" Mello yelled. "How many packs have you smoked today?"

"About six" Matt said. "What's the problem?"

"Could you slow down on those?" Mello said. "It is getting annoying. You commented to me to slow down eating chocolate and now I am commenting on you to slow down with all the smoking you have been doing."

"Who cares" Matt said. "It's just me. Plus we haven't told Near to slow down on the seafood diet. It is not like he eats his toys."

"Yeah" Mello said. "Because it would be disgusting if he did."

It was then that Mello's cell phone range and it was Near.

"Near", Mello said, "why are you calling me?"

"This is urgent Mello" Near said. "The meeting has been delayed until February 1st. We must make the switch tonight or they will notice the fake."

"Got it" Mello said. "I am going right now. They are deep asleep by midnight, so I will be able to do it at that time."

"I have found the page you should do it" Near said. "Once I tell you, remember the page number. If you mess this up, the plan I had falls apart."

"Got it" Mello said "And it is not like I messed up before. If L was still alive, I wouldn't need to do this shit."

"Mello", Near said, "if L was still alive, neither of us would have to do this at all."

It was then that Mello arrived that the headquarters and switched the pages when Light and Misa were asleep.

"The job is done" Mello said.

"Good job Mello" Near answered "I'll see you on February 1st."

"Got it" Mello said.

At the SPK Headquarters, Near was celebrating a premature victory.

"Everything has fallen into place" Near thought. "Light and Misa are in the position where they have no choice but to come to the Zetsubo nursery school. For over five years this case has gone on and it is finally going to come to an end. Since L wasn't able to stop Kira, it will have to be me. Friday will be a very important day. It will be the day where Kira will be truly put to the test. If Kira wins than we have one last trump card just in case; Linda. If he loses, it will prove that Kira is not the way this world should work. You can't change the world but that is what makes the world so great. Kira stole this planet from everybody. He is the sickness and I am the cure. Kira, who are you, because I am more than interested on seeing you in person."

Back in bed Light was staring into space. Misa was doing her kills as usual and he couldn't hang out with her in the condition he was in. Light felt upset again that he couldn't hang out with Misa, something that brought him happiness in the last few months. Sayu would have wanted a kinder gentler world and Light knew by now that he couldn't provide it at all and he felt sorry that he couldn't. All Light could do right now was think about where were destiny had led him. The curse that the Death Note brought to him was something he was trying to avoid. It was a self fullfilling prophecy and he knew it was his fault. He wasn't blessed, he was cursed. He told so many lies during his time as Kira that he even started believing them at one point. Kira wasn't a god, Kira was an enemy that had to be stopped and he was the only one who could stop him. Light stuck with his plan. Kira would die the same day as Near. Killing Near is what Sudou would have wanted.

"What have I done?" Light thought. "What have I become because I never wanted Kira to result in this bad a life. I hate you Kira, but I don't know how to get rid of you. You still aren't out of my life. Kira is me and I am Kira, but Kira is now an enemy to me, a thing that has made my life this way. Kira has been a problem even when I lost my memorie. My amnesic self hated Kira, so why should I be a hypocrite. I have been a hypocrite. I have betrayed everything I once stood for. I am not that 10 year old who helped stop an armed robbery. Since that day I wanted to be a man of justice like my father, but that Death Note made me become the thing I made my mission to destroy, a criminal. I am just a crazy serial killer, nothing more, nothing less. I made this goal because I thought the people who made this world rot deserved to die but now I know. They don't. It just seems like death is the only way out now. My plan to permanently make sure I never got the Death Note again failed as soon as it started. Whether people feel sorry for me in the end is their decision but fate has taken its course. If people hate me, let them hate, I deserve it. This is the play that is my life and I don't think the curtain is going to stay open for much longer."

That same day there was an argument between the Task Force.

"What do you mean that you think Light is Kira" Matsuda said. "Even if the 13 day rule is false, that doesn't mean Light is Kira. L's mock execution proved it. If Light was Kira, his father wouldn't be alive right now."

"The 13 day rule being false brings up the possibility that Light is Kira again" Aizawa said. "I've been suspicious for a long time. I think he is very likely to be Kira but whether I am right or not is all based on what happens on February 1st. If he isn't Kira, then I'll admit I'm wrong but the problem is that there is no complete evidence on either side."

"Light is the heart of the Task Force" Matsuda said. "He is leading us to victory."

"Victory", Ide said, "or just another red herring. I caught onto this pretty quickly but for a long time I just thought Kira had a lot of red herrings. If Kira was the person we least suspected for a long time, than that is how we should treat him. Matsuda. if Light is Kira, don't give into any of his temptations."

"Kira isn't all bad though" Matsuda said. "The crime rate has gone down by a lot and there is no more wars."

Both Aizawa and Ide answered at the same time.

"Kira is bad" they both said.

"I know but" Matsuda said to be interrupted by Aizawa.

"Kira thinks he is a necessary evil but in the end he is just pure evil" Aizawa said. "Necessary evil does not kill people who disagree with him or people who are after him. That is what has irritated me about you being a borderline Kira supporter Matsuda. You hate him but you don't. You have some understanding of him, but you have never met him before. I don't want Light to be Kira as well, but that won't prevent me from taking him down if he does."

"But what if Kira is different from what you expect?" Matsuda complained.

"Then we will approach him differently" Ide said.

"We don't know if Kira regrets his crimes or not" Aizawa said. "But right now, that is not our concern. It is finding Kira. It has taken us too long to find Kira in the first place. This test Near is going to give is important in seeing who Kira really is. Near said that Kira is most likely a mole in the Task Force. If it isn't him than we are low on options. You are not Kira are you Matsuda?."

"I'm not" Matsuda said. "Why would you be suspecting me? I am just the funny guy here. I am not the smartest or brightest but I can get the job done. Remember when I helped find out who was Kira during the Yotsuba case? I was brilliant there. I did things as good as I always could. If it was Kira, I would have been caught long ago."

"We know you aren't Kira" Ide said. "Just remember his crimes are unforgivable. They always have been."

"Yeah" Matsuda said. "But can we forgive him as a person, if Kira is a broken soul? If he just wants to be put down? Can we just understand that? Kira is evil, I get that but can we feel sorry for him if he truly is broken? That is the question I have been thinking for a long time."

Light was listening to the conversation outside while he was resting. He understood everything that Matsuda was saying. Matsuda was the guy who had always looked up to him in all these years. He was a guy Light really enjoyed being around but it wasn't until recently that Light saw him as just a friend and he was afraid of what Matsuda would think of him on Friday. Was he ready to face this bullet?