(4,350 words) oh shit I haven't updated in over two months, um...sorry? I've wrote two chaps in a row for this if that's better, I should have the next one up in a couple days, my beta needs to go through it.

I was writing this in a funny fashion for some parts of this, it was funnier than the actual chapter.

and now for this,

I CAUGHT THE MOTHERF**KING HYLIAN LOACH MOTHERF**KER, 35 POUNDS! FULL SIZE! THREE YEARS OF OBSESSING AND FINALLY I CAUGHT IT, HE LOVES ME, HE REALLY LOVES ME! I SCREAMED AND STARTLED ROLLING AROUND ON THE GROUND IN TEARS LAUGHING FROM SHOCK!

shhh, that never happened.

disclaimer: I don't own this, I'm just going to go steal Paine's boots

Chapter: inner pains

Paine opened her eyes after suffering a rude awakening from the sun's shine sneaking in from a window she'd forgotten to close. Grouchily and groggily, she flipped onto her back and lay there with one hand running through her knotty silver strands of hair while the other lingered over the top of her blanket fumbling with the idea of getting up. Tired eyes took a second to deliver that God-forsaken window a glare before, more than forcibly, she commanded her mind to rip that stupid comforter off and get up. Her body responded slowly but at least she was getting somewhere.

Sitting on her scrunched-up blanket, she rubbed sleep from her eyes and yawned. She had slept in her clothes that night and made a lovely crinkled mess of them. What a shame; it was her favourite outfit. The top had had been stretched in the wash some time ago, but she thought it looked better. It hung loosely over her arms and had been extended out far enough that the hole for her head showed her bra straps and edged closely to her shoulders.

She stood up, stretched her arms and rolled her shoulders; the couch was always a bad place to sleep, as it left her back in a bad way. She kicked a fallen plate out of her path and headed for the shower; she needed one right now. She hadn't gone to school yesterday; instead, she'd stayed home in the familiar darkness of her apartment. Although she had money, she couldn't be bothered to pay the TV Company what she owed them and she'd lost her extra channels. There was nothing on, so she didn't watch. If she wasn't careful she would lose all her electricity too; again she had the money but she had more to care about then the stupid bills. At least she had given them enough that they were kind enough to keep her appliances running. So with all that she lacked, her place was left dark and noiseless. But she didn't care in the least; it gave her time to think, it didn't matter that she never got the answers.

She entered the bathroom and stripped down before rummaging about for a towel in the bathroom cupboard. When she found one that wasn't falling apart she dropped it on the lid of the washing basket overfilling with clothes that needed washing desperately, got into the shower and shut the blurred glass door behind her. She stood under the head and turned the water on cold first; she shuddered under the icy droplets as they assaulted her. But it was fine, she needed to wake up, clear her mind, to properly separate it from dreamland to reality. The water was so fresh; it washed away all the gunk taking up space in her head and let her concentrate on what she needed to be thinking of. She knew the time wouldn't last; when she stepped out it would all parade back to her. When her body couldn't take the cold any longer she switched on the hot and sighed as its wonderful warmth cascaded down the full length of her body. She put it up to as hot as she could stand, despite knowing she'd more than likely mildly burn her scalp while washing out the shampoo and conditioner. Why care, if it was something enjoyable, she'd take it with open hands and enjoy it for as long as she could. There was nothing good in a life like hers.

When she was finished she kept the water running but stepped out of its way. She slid open the door of her shower and reached out to grasp the tiffany blue towel off from her washing basket. For the second before she shut the door again she eyed it with disgust. Her apartment was a mess; it was still early, she might as well do the washing. With that thought already run through she dried herself, only turning the water off when all the beads of water were gone from her body. She could relish its warmth for longer instead of shivering her pitiful ass off during the time before she got to put on some new threads.

Outside the bathroom she strode to her bedroom, which had become virtually uninhabited for the last two weeks, to dig about in the mountain of clothes scattered about on the green shag-carpeted floor. These clothes needed to be washed as well; she couldn't find a single one that was clean. Giving up on the idea that she could she picked up a long top and put that on; the black fabric ended around her knees so it wouldn't matter if she went out without pants. She picked up the majority of the clothes, headed into her bathroom and dropped them into the clothes basket that had been void of use for a time so long she failed to recall the last time she'd even gone near it with intent to use it. With light steps she was over at the other side, near the overflowing washing basket, and with a strong lift she had picked it up and painfully carried the surprisingly heavy hamper over to the other pile of clothes, dumping them in as well; which caused to create a tall pile of garments leaning dangerously over on one side. Being smart she picked it up and had the side of the clothes leaning against her chest.

With some struggle she got out of the room and out of her apartment; opening the door with her elbow had been tricky. She was lucky that the apartment block had a laundry room on each floor or she would have had to face some real dread going down an untrustworthy set of steel and stone stairs. When she reached the room, the door, luckily enough, was open so she needn't have a struggle with yet another door. She dumped the first half into the laundry machine but it was too small to fit the rest; so sorry for anyone else insane enough to wash their clothes at this ungodly hour, but she took occupation of the second washing machine. Well at least if anyone else wanted to there was one spare for them.

Paine sighed inwardly and took a seat on one of the plastic seats put there for people like her. She'd have to wait twenty minutes for the washing to be done and then another twenty for them to dry. How people could manage to stay sane doing this for almost an hour was beyond her; she was bored already. She eyed the tiny stack of magazines with disdain. They were all a bunch of shit; wasting away doing nothing would pass the time better than they ever could. She spotted a wedding magazine with an ecstatic-looking bride on the cover; it made her stomach twist and turn and then stop only to plummet so fast she almost puked. There were another three, all stupid ones: a magazine about celebrities (why do people care about their lives so much? They're just a bunch of people!), a Women's Day magazine (she couldn't be bothered with it even if it made the best option; it was still stupid), and a teenage fashion mag, which really made her want to question as she was just about the only non-adult in the building. She knew for sure she was the only one on the second floor. Did people really still read it? It created false images of beauty on a generation that's screwed-up enough already. Sure she was thin, but she simply couldn't be bothered half the time to eat; she didn't have an eating disorder. It was everything else that was messed up.

Paine ripped her eyes away; they were putting her into a worse mood, not like she wasn't in one already. She adjusted the hem of her top; sure it was long on her but that didn't change the fact it was a shirt and not a dress. With a sigh she shut her eyes and decided to see if she could catch up on the sleep she'd lost while waiting for the machine to finish its job.

Back in her room, she put down the recently cleaned pile of clothes next the bed and checked the clock. It was 6:03. If she got ready now she would get to school around seven. School started at 8:12; she'd make herself be stuck with nothing but waiting for the second time today. But she could deal, not like it was the worst thing going on. She wasn't even supposed to be going to that school anymore, orders straight from the top. So far it'd been a week and she was still attending. She was waiting for them to care.

Shaking the thought from her head she kneeled down in front of the basket and hunted for a suitable outfit. She stumbled upon one she hadn't worn for weeks, and thought might as well, considering she already had it in hand. It was a navy blue garment; the best way she could think to describe what it was was to say it was a dress but instead of the skirt it had shorts. It had a zipper at the back which was how she could slip into it so easily. It had a V neck collar and wide sleeves ending halfway down her upper arms. The short part was as long as what those annoying popular girls usually had on; so it showed off much of her lengthy legs. Only difference was she was deathly pale and they were revoltingly tan. She didn't even like the look of tan skin; hated it in fact. It was loose around her hips and chest so she put a matching brown belt on which made it tighter around her bust and only loose at her hips. Inspecting herself in the mirror she couldn't help but think the outfit, on comparison to other clothes she had, looked cute. No it was not cute, this was a comparison after all, but the thought plagued her mind and made itself a nuisance.

To put in a bit of her Gothic charm she put on a pair of probably the most ridiculous pair of boots she had in her possession. She had bought them from an online Lolita store; not like she liked the Lolita style, but the boots had caught her attention and she needed them. They were knee-high with 4 inch platforms and a two inch heel to add to that, so they made her look extremely tall. They had buckles running up the lengths that were completely for show as they didn't make anything tighter or looser; she got them on by the zippers on their sides. On the toes was a tiny red love heart with an arrow through them. She didn't like that part as much as others. Tying her short hair up into the tiniest of ponytails she left her room to have something to eat.

Breakfast was quick and easy: simply two pieces of toast and she was out of the door. She ignored the rumbles she still felt in her stomach, she'd rather go about wishing that the thoughts rushing about in her mind would stop; it was getting to be too much to stand.

At school she put on her normal emotionless act to make thick-headed people go about thinking that nothing could possibly be wrong with her life, that her only problem was her personality. It wasn't so odd for one or two randoms, or whole groups of fellow students to gather up their confidence and talk to her. They'd either go about saying that she needed 'a change in style' from the popular twats, or that she needed to 'show more emotion' from the concerned no-one's on the out of school society. These were ignored; she didn't want to change herself and she didn't want to change what she looked like considering that didn't truly reflect who she was inside. She just didn't want to be close to anyone; she didn't want to drag others into her hell-on-earth. What was between her and Gippal was originally an accident. Not a day would go past where she didn't mentally scold herself for letting herself fall. Sure she loved him, but she was so scared about what would happen if anyone found out about their relationship.

A sickening feeling started up in her stomach at the thought, but she couldn't deny it. If she was given the chance to go back in time and change one thing about her life, if it couldn't be joining REI, it was that she would wish she had never met Gippal. He was the only good thing in her life, but having him there was a daily threat to him. He'd be better off without her, but she knew he'd never let her go.

The day blurred past her; she managed to both keep her attention on school, and yet not have it anywhere near it. She barely knew where her mind had ended up; it was mostly on REI she knew, but what exactly? Was it her fears that everything would go wrong? The ass-holes that had taken full control of everything she did?

She was happy that she got to the end of lunch without having to say a word to anyone. She got the usual looks, but for today they were directed at her feet, to her sanity-lacking boots to be more exact. Well that was a reason for why she wore them, their stares wouldn't be right at her face, looking into her crimson eyes with idiotic curiosity, wanting to know what went about in her head. The looks, oh those looks, they made her so uncomfortable; they made her sick and they made the silence scream.

She'd gone off into her own little world without them to distract her and bring her to reality. She'd enjoyed it for the little time it lasted despite her thoughts to be torturous. It was the little 'Are you alright?' that forced her back this time. She knew, she knew well, that people only said that to help, but it was never the case for her. She looked back to see Gippal leaning against a locker and looking at her with deep concern. She was blank. Void. Emotionless. She didn't know, she didn't know, she didn't know the answer to that anymore. Everyone passed by, they didn't care for why he was asking her. He was nicer than the others in his group, that was answer enough. They didn't look into it, it wasn't a concern; there was no need.

Her gaze flickered with silent pain. She glanced up to him; maybe he'd noticed, and maybe he hadn't.

"I'm fine." She said it as if she were so sure of herself, and maybe she was. But he didn't believe it.

When school had ended Paine had rushed out, she had nowhere to go but back home. She didn't even have reason to rush. But she didn't want to be here anymore, she wanted to avoid all the questions; she needed to, she was so sick of them. She couldn't go anywhere but back to that lonely old apartment; Gippal wouldn't come, too much homework; he'd been getting a lot lately. She didn't know if she was glad that she knew it was the honest truth, her mind wasn't working right today. She couldn't go to REI even if she wanted to; when they contacted her she would find out her punishment. She wouldn't go anywhere else, it wouldn't be fun. She had no one, and she didn't want to suffer silence when there was no silence. It was the most peculiar horrible feeling. She hated it.

She caught a bus to get home quicker. This part of town was where all the houses were, the part where she lived was a good half an hour's walk away, and she couldn't be bothered to walk it today. She found a seat without a word; some woman was sitting next to her, texting on her phone to her friend with a smile. Life must be pretty simple for her. When she got to her stop she ran off. She landed in a puddle of rainwater filled with leaves and mud washed off from the side-walk; how horrible for her new boots. And she didn't even know if she cared.

She was on the home-stretch, she was on her street. Just two houses down and she'd be there. So you could expect what a mood she was put into when a familiar voice laced with animosity asked, "Having a bit of a breakdown are we, Little Miss Princess?"

She barely had to turn her head to see Tidus sitting on the steps to the apartment lot next to hers. She was well aware he lived with his father in REI's HQ, so that meant he had come out of his way just to piss her off. Oh joy.

"Oh here's something," She laughed with a laughed sprinkled with a little 'I hate you.' "How 'bout you go fuck off, ass-wipe." She kept walking; she didn't feel like dealing with him today. It wasn't her thing to go about swearing, but it seemed like it would be the best to get him to leave her alone. But this was Tidus, and he was a stubborn bastard. So he latched onto her hand and spun her round.

"How dare you say that, you bitch!"

"And how are you supposed to be better if you go about swearing too?" she chuckled, rolling her eyes. It surprised her how she could hop into this mood. It was purely acting, for inside she was dying, but outside she was a cold hard bitch.

He let out a big groan and kicked over a child's toy that had presumably been left on the concrete by a hurrying kid.

"Stop that! I know this isn't really you!"

"And I know this isn't really you. What's with you, scolding me for something you're doing yourself? It's idiotic." She dropped the emotion from her voice. Well, she'd been caught out. She wasn't bothered by stopping, for it was fun while it had lasted.

He glared intensely at her and sighed. "Weren't you the one that was always stronger in this situation? Why are you being all depressed now?" He clenched his hands into fists.

She tilted her head like a confused puppy with an unfitting expression to go with it. It harshly pointed out where he'd gone wrong with silence. He looked like he'd been hurt for a second there. Something alien had flashed in his eyes, and then it was gone just like that. Maybe he would have explained the reasons, but he said nothing, because he knew she was about to speak.

"I've never been strong with this situation. My parents were murdered by your lot when I was nine, and while I was grieving over the fact that I was an orphan with nothing left in the world, I was forcibly made to become an assassin. Who in their right minds would be fine in that situation? Tell me!" For that last second, her emotion returned. It was said so painfully that she felt daggers stab at her. And she hadn't even faked the emotion; she'd had never had true emotion in her voice for a long time. Only Gippal could bring it out.

Tidus was quiet; he looked at her like he was seeing her in a new light. How stupid, hadn't he been aware of it all? What was the point of the look?

"'My lot'? What do you mean, 'my lot'? I hate them just the same as you do, so how are we different?" He forced out, his expression pained.

"Because you were born to it, and I was not. I was forced…."

"'I was forced'! Just because you had no prior connections, it doesn't make us different!" he yelled, perhaps just a mite too loud considering their location.

Something was gone in Paine's mind, and unlike they usually were in their fights together, the reply wasn't immediate. She looked down to the ground; maybe at her feet, maybe the cracks on the side-walk.

"Have you ever wondered if your mother was as much of an angel as you regard her?" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him stiffen. The question was out of the blue, but it was one of the many things bugging her.

He adored his mother; she was the only good things from his childhood memories. When his father tried to push him further with his training, she would dive in and stop him because she understood the one thing Jecht didn't: he was only a kid.

"Just because she understood her role as a 'mother', just because she is one of REI's victims as well; does that really make her good? She chose to join them, Tidus." He winced but it was the truth, one he was already conscious of. "Maybe she was just like the rest of them; she may have had something in her, not like those soulless, empty cowards. But she was the same monster they all were…"

She didn't get to finish that sentence.

In a second she found herself on the concrete, nursing a cut on her elbow. She'd been on the receiving end of one of Tidus' punches. A red mark was already beginning to form on her left cheek.

"Shut up! How dare you say that?" He screeched. She wanted to say more, even if it would piss him off and end up with a mark on her right cheek, but there was more she wanted to say. But she didn't get to say it: he was already walking off.

She lifted herself from the cold side-walk. The cut on her elbow stung as it bled, but she was more interested in watching him walk off.

God, he's so messed up.

When she got home she cleaned the cut, taking out the minute jagged rocks that had made their way in through her skin. Each touch with the wet cloth was like fire but she got used to it, it needed to be done. When it was fine she placed a simple Band-Aid over it to halt the bleeding.

She walked into her tiny lounge room, and plopped homework onto her coffee table. Seeing as she had lost most of her electricity and her lights didn't work, it would be best to do this now and get it out of the way when it was still possible. She wasn't going to do homework by candle-light.

She got through most with ease; it was until she got up to her history that she paused. It wasn't because it was hard, it was easy, but her mind had chosen now of all times to drift off. It wasn't exactly REI that her mind had chosen to torture her with this time. It was her parents.

Life had been so calm and humble. It had only been her parents and her, never anyone else. Both her parents were only children, and her mother grew up in an orphanage. Her dad's parents had died some years ago. He still had his grandma, her wonderful Nannan, but she didn't see her much as she liked. Her hair had been long then, ending at her waist, because daddy was always saying it was so pretty. She'd gotten it from him, and her red eyes from her mother, who herself was a brunette. She had gotten the strangest traits from them; everyone always thought she looked weird. They were the only ones who said she was beautiful, because she was so different. They'd been loving, caring, and everything had been perfect. They'd lived on a farm in the country; she didn't have a pony like most girls in her situation would. She had five chickens; to this day she could still remember their names: Abby, Bernadette, Cassowary, Daniela and Emily. She had an ambition to have a chicken named after all the letters in the alphabet, but that dream never came true.

Her Nannan had died and they had to go to the city for her funeral. They'd been the only family there, because she didn't have any others besides them. It was at the end: they were set to leave when they heard a bang, and looking in its direction, they saw a man dead in the hallway. He had a puffing women standing over him with a gun in her hand. The image was seared into her mind, as it would be forever. She shot both her parents in the head without a second thought about it, and then the gun had been aimed at her, at the middle of her forehead. So she screamed, she voiced all her fears as her short life flashed behind her shut lids. She didn't know why, but she'd yelled louder than she ever had, "I'll do whatever you want! I'll do whatever you want!"

She put the gun down and strode over to her cowering form. Her hair was black; it was a wig, it was hazel. Her eyes were the strangest she'd ever seen, a blue and a green. They were so bizarre yet they were so beautiful. She spared her, for a price: she was to keep quiet about what she'd seen and join her organisation. Little did she know that what she was getting herself into was hell itself.

Because of those eyes she had stared at that Yuna girl in disbelief the first time she'd seen her. They were the same, exact. She knew Tidus had had the same reaction too, because the woman with those exact eyes as her; that had also been the one to cut short her parent's life,

was his mother.

Reviews will be much appreciated, plus I'll give you cookies (Bribebribe)

Jya ne.

~Serah Villiers Valentine