A/N: We are going to see a return of Callie's POV in the next chapter, and it's going to start switching between her and Stef more often. These last few chapters just ended up working out better to write from Stef's POV. Sorry if y'all got bored with that!
Stef POV
It is nearing 5am, and it is my turn to be up while Lena sleeps. I've been watching Callie's monitor for the last hour, unable to see too much of her in the darkness. I am thankful for each heartbeat, letting the reality of everything sink into me. It's a miracle she is even alive.
I notice her heart rate pick up, and I wonder if she's having a nightmare. I debate waking her, but before I can settle on a decision, I hear her.
"Mom." She sobs, barely audible. I'm on my feet immediately, flipping on the side lamp, softly illuminating the room. I reach out to stroke her hair, and she violently flinches away from me. "Please," She gasps. "Don't hit." My heart sinks.
"Baby, I'd never hit you. Never. You're okay, love. Look at me. It's mom. Can you see?" She sniffles for a minute as she glances around, and I rub my hand slowly up and down her back, waiting patiently for her to come around. This seems to make her even more upset, as she begins crying harder. "Want you. To. Be real." She cries, louder now. "Why can't. You. Be here."
My heart shatters inside my chest. Lena is awake now, as well. Neither of us are sure how to convince her this is real; that we are real. She must believe she is still back in the motel. She seems so convinced we are a figment of her imagination.. I don't understand it, but I'm desperate to convince her of reality.
"Love, I am real! Look at me. I'm right here! I'm with you, right now. You're in the hospital, and momma and I are here. You just had a bad dream, baby. You're safe now." I speak quickly, wanting her to understand. She begins hyperventilating as she continues crying, apparently either not hearing or not believing what I've said.
"I miss. My. Moms." She hiccups over her tears. "I, I, don't want. To do. This. Anymore. Wanna go. Home." Her voice drags out into a sob on the last word, and her anguish destroys me. I hear Lena let out a choked cry, and I can't stop the tears on my own face. How many times did she utter these words, and we truly were not there?
It occurs to me how selfish I have been. The whole time she was gone, I was so terrified we wouldn't find her in time, that she would be dead before I reached her; and I didn't even know what was happening to her. Yes, my mind conjured up awful scenarios. But in the worst moments, I was able to rely on denial to get me through.. thinking that maybe she had gotten away and was hiding, or maybe she was getting by unscathed.
My soul feels like it is being crushed as I realize now that she, too, thought we wouldn't find her in time. But the difference is, she was being tortured beyond even my worst thoughts, and there was no way for her to survive by denial. She couldn't just pretend like she wasn't being horrifically abused. I had the ability to lie to myself and let myself fantasize that she was okay. She didn't have that escape.
"She thought she'd never see us again." Lena whispers to me, our minds in the same place. "Oh, honey." I wrap my arms around her, never wanting to let go. I want to say more to reassure her, but my throat feels swollen shut with emotion. I gently draw her head to my chest, my own tears falling into her hair. My girl. My poor girl.
Lena grasps Callie's hand gently in her own, giving it a kiss. "We are here with you and we will not go anywhere. You will never be apart from us like that again, okay? Nobody will ever hurt you again. We're right here, and we aren't going anywhere." She says, voice shaking.
After a few minutes of holding her, her cries quiet down, only the occasional sniffle interrupting the silence. "My hands. Tied down. Fix them?" She questions, pulling away. I find myself concerned, and even though I know nobody has tied her arms down, I pull up the blanket to look at them regardless. "No, love, see? You aren't tied down." I gently lift her right arm up to show her.
"But…" She trails off, and it's clear she is slowly coming back to us. Lena lowers herself into Callie's sight. "You're in the hospital, sweetheart. Mom found you, and now you are safe at the hospital with us. Do you remember?" We watch her reaction, see the wheels turning as her confusion turns back into tears, but this time they are tears of relief.
She reaches for Lena, opening her arms for a hug. Lena embraces her instantly. "You guys. Are real." She sniffles. She pulls away from Lena then, turning toward me with open arms. I gladly wrap my arms around her, my heart warming at her gesture. I close my eyes and try to soak up this moment; the fact that she is here with us. The fact that she is alive.
Once she has calmed down, Lena wipes the remaining tears from her eyes. "How's your pain?" I ask gently, remembering this is a touchy subject. She eyes me and bites her lip, looking back down at the blanket. "Like this blanket." She whispers, her finger twitching on it. Her face twists into concern as she looks up at me. "Can't feel it." She says, looking back at her hand. Her fingers twitch again.
"Can't feel what, love? The blanket?" Now I'm worried. She nods. "Or hand." She shrugs as though it doesn't bother her, but I can tell by the way she is looking at me that she is scared. I clear my face of worry, knowing she is taking my lead. Lena reaches down and carefully puts Callie's hand in hers, wrapping her fingers gently around her own.
"Do you feel this?" She asks as she rubs her fingers on Callie's. Callie stares at their hands for a moment with worry etched into her face. "Not really." She bites her lip, nervous. "When did that start?" I question. She looks away as though she's thinking, before she turns back to me and shrugs, her sight dropping onto the bed.
"What is it, love? You can tell us." She shrugs again. "Haven't felt. Hand for a. While." My stomach drops. "Define a while.. The last day? Several days?" I'm praying she will say not long, hopeful that the shorter the time has been, the more likely it is something reversible. "Guess for.. Couple weeks. Maybe." She mumbles. Dammit.
I assumed her weak grasp and lack of capable movement was due to the broken bones, not anything nerve-related. But, this is obviously a possibility. We saw how deeply embedded that handcuff was. I try to push my anger down and focus.
"Okay, hun, well we will ask the doctor when they come around in the morning. For now, why don't you try to rest some more?" I give her a smile, and Lena tucks her back in. "Mmk." She whispers. "Mom?" She looks at me again, anxious. "Yes, sweets?" I'm curious what is causing the sudden anxiety, hoping it is something I can help with.
"I hurt." She says, eyes flickering between me and the bed. My heart hurts for her, but I'm thrilled that she is being honest. "Do you want some pain meds?" I try to confirm, making sure this truly is what she is hinting at. She nods. I smile at her, feeling both surprised and grateful that she is not only accepting medication right now, but actually asking for it.
"I'm so proud of you, you know that? Thank you for trusting us." I press the morphine button the nurse had showed us earlier, then press a kiss to her forehead. "There you go, love. Easy as that. Now get your rest." I wink at her, and she gives me a small smile back as she burrows herself a little deeper under the blanket. This is a new habit, and quite adorable at that.
We sit down again, leaving the small lamp on this time. Lena lets her head fall back against the wall, sighing. I hold her hand in mine, automatically rubbing my fingers over hers, soothing. I return to my watch over Callie while Lena attempts to get some more rest, as well.
I allow my mind to wander, a dangerous thing to do in my emotional and sleep-deprived state. I flash back to Callie on that bed, chained up like an animal, no clothes. Made to sit in her own filth. Anger and sadness well up inside of me, and my stomach feels sour as I begin imagining how things felt from her perspective.
There were no blankets on the bed, just a sheet underneath her. It dawns on me that she probably never had anything to cover herself with. I'm sure he didn't allow that. Rage burns inside me. This is probably where her new quirk comes from; the gratefulness to not be exposed. I swallow the lump in my throat as I think of how vulnerable she must have felt. This new habit suddenly feels much more sinister than before, tainted by the reality of what brought it around.
I close my eyes, trying to think of other things. Like what we plan on doing moving forward. There are so many questions I have. Is she going to want to be back in her room? Will she want one of us in there? Will she want to sleep with us? Will she even be able to sleep?
She's going to need help showering, getting changed, brushing her teeth.. Doing basically anything. If she has permanent nerve damage to her hands, what other difficulties will that add? It's the middle of August right now, but school starts in just a few weeks. There's no way she will be ready for that in time. We are going to need to keep her out for a while. Even when she becomes physically capable of going back, will she be able to handle it emotionally? The questions swirl in my mind, one after the other, never ending.
An hour later, I am jolted from my thoughts by Callie's loud warning that she is going to be sick, directly before she throws up on herself. There is really nothing in her stomach except bile, but it was enough to get on the blanket and her gown. I hit the nurses call button and let them know what has happened. Callie is immediately afraid. "Am sorry! Don't want. People." She chokes out. "Just. Feel bad."
I give her a sad smile. "It's okay, honey, you don't need to apologize for anything. All the nurse is going to do is get you a new blanket and gown, okay?" I try to reassure her. This apparently makes her realize that she's puked on the blanket. "My blanket." She cries, tears forming in her eyes.
Lena has woken up from the commotion, but she is digging through the duffel bag, doing god-knows-what. I pull off the blanket, reassuring her that we will get it washed and it'll be back as soon as possible. A nurse comes in with a new gown and blanket at the same time that Lena pops up, bright smile on her face, with a different blanket from the house. "I brought extras!" She exclaims, happy.
I grin ear to ear. Leave it to Lena. Thank God. I help Callie out of her old gown and into a new one, this time prepared to see the dark ink marring the large swath of skin. My stomach flips, but I don't freeze. Lena settles the new blanket over her, tucking it in.
"Are you feeling any better, bug?" Lena asks. She shakes her head. I notice she is shaking quite a bit. "Are you cold?" I question, the wheels turning in my head. "Yeah." She answers. Moments later, though, she is trying to push the blanket off her. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" Lena asks, frowning. "Hot. Too hot." She exclaims, and now she is sweating.
I press the call button again. I have my suspicions, but best to make sure she doesn't have a fever, first. The nurse comes in and we explain to her what Callie has told us. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well, Callie. Let me get your temperature real quick. Let's see if you have a fever." She grabs a thermometer out of the cabinet, turning back around to Callie.
"Open up." She states calmly, leaning toward her face. Callie reels back. "No!" She croaks out as she raises her arms, trying to shield herself from the nurse. She is obviously triggered by this, and my mind goes back to the incident with the Jello.
"Shh, you're okay, love. Everything's okay. Take a breath. You're safe." I stroke her hair before lowering her arms down, and begin to run my hand over her back, soothing her. "Give us just a second." I mouth to the nurse. She nods, understanding. Callie shudders as she takes a few deep breaths, calming down.
"Let's go ahead and use the forehead thermometer instead, would you prefer that, Callie?" The nurse questions, switching devices. Callie nods. This she accepts without incident, only flinching slightly as the nurse reaches toward her face. The thermometer beeps and the nurse pulls it away just in time for Callie to make us all aware she is going to be sick again.
Lena thrusts a small bowl in front of her, and she proceeds to throw up whatever bile is left inside her stomach. "No fever." The nurse confirms. Lena takes over my place as I step around to speak with the nurse. "I'm pretty sure she's going through withdrawals. Is there anything you can give her?" The nurse nods. "Let me run it by the doctor, and we'll get her taken care of." I'm about to thank her when I hear Callie gasping for air.
"Cant. Breathe." Her arms are outstretched, trying to grip onto something. She manages to latch a finger onto Lena's shirt, panic in her movements. I return quickly to her side, rubbing her back. "It's okay, love, try to relax. You're going to be okay, it'll stop in a minute. You'll be able to breathe." I try to coach her. After a few minutes, she gulps down air before relaxing slightly.
"That's it, Cal. Just breathe." Lena coos. "Want a sip of water?" I hold a small cup out to her, and she take a sip through the straw. "Better?" Lena asks. She nods. The nurse comes back in, syringe in her hand. "Don't want." She says, terror lacing her words. "It's okay!" I'm quick to reassure her, having completely forgotten to tell her the nurse was getting medication. "It's just medicine to make you not feel sick. You won't feel sleepy or anything from it, I absolutely promise you."
Callie gives me a hesitant look before agreeing to the medication. She watches her inject it into her IV, her body tense. "Call if you need anything." The nurse tosses back as she leaves the room.
"How are you feeling, hun?" Lena asks several minutes later. "Cold." She's shivering severely, enough to make her teeth chatter. Lena tucks in all the edges of the blanket from home, and I lay the hospital blanket over it, tucking that in as well. The shaking subsides quickly. "Thanks." She whispers, already looking tired. "Always." I wink, giving her arm a squeeze.
Lena and I return to our respective chairs. "It's my turn to stay up, babe. You catch some sleep." Lena states, and I am not about to disagree. I glance at my watch. 5:43am.
I watch until Callie drifts off, refusing to let exhaustion take me over until I know she is sleeping and peaceful. Once it's clear that she is, I allow myself to be pulled into the heavy lull of sleep.