Wow. I don't know how long this is gonna end up being. Because, you know, one things leads to another and... but still, i promise it'll get finished. I've never not finished a fic before.
well. actaully.
but usually they get done!!
Notes: (this is in the order I read your reviews, by the way. I 'm not favrotistic! I promise! I love you all equally!!)
Nkundra: I'm glad you found it original :) And hey, i've got to ask, why does everyone say bot!Sam and not just bot Sam? Just a little nuance I don't get. But yes. Thanks for the sweet review.
Blu: I hope you don't die because of this. I would be heartbroken. hahaha i think i should know what "it" is that I'm going to be doing... and yes, do be careful when telling people about the handcuffs and steering wheels. DOn't want any... accidents ;)
Aniay: Well, it's not over yet :D
Sayin_girl: Hi! You're new. Happy to have ya.
Fantasyfan4ever: Cliffhangers are fun :) for me. not you guys. but me. and i'm glad the smut was good enough :) It's not something i've got lots of experience writing.
obsydiandreams: well, admittedly, it is weirdly exciting to know you can make people cry. IT's like an attestment to how powerful the writing can be, I guess.
Bumblebee2009: You thought I'd end it there? Don't worry. I'm not *that* cruel. Well... maybe I am. I haven't decided yet. Although, um, nineteen more chapters.... is kind of... more than I was anticipating... but did give me an idea... and yeah, turn around times are usually fairly fast, the scehdule's the best i can get it. I start the next chapter before the last one's been posted. And thanks for your review, I loved it :)
robins princess starfire: I'm glad you liked the chapter!
Carebear1: true. But as always, there are other factors at work.
Nauthiz: I'm glad you like it :)
Okay. so much for just a few notes. i just love each and every one of you :D
Enjoy!
…………………………..
Bee didn't want to ask.
He wanted it, Primus, but he wanted it, but he would never ask.
He almost did. Sam had looked at him expectantly, but he'd said nothing. Somehow, he'd managed to find the last traces of restraint, and had shut down the words.
It was the closest he'd ever come to saying it. So close, so dangerously close. Bee shuddered to think how the words had beaded on his lip, nearly fallen into the silence between him and Sam. So close.
The shard of his spark was now detached, shimmering on its own, waiting, waiting. Wait on, he thought of the newly created spark, imagining it dulling and dying, it will never happen.
Sam didn't know what he would be getting himself into. He had no idea what would happen. He didn't understand, he couldn't- how could he? He hadn't seen worlds dazzle to life and fade away, everything falling away until a new world rose to life, only to fall. He hadn't seen leagues of people live and die. He didn't know that stars would fade over time, didn't know that the sun never set the same way twice, didn't know that the world today is not the world of yesterday, nor that of tomorrow. He couldn't even grasp that his lifetime, his time with Bee, it was but a fraction of time. Bee didn't know the equivalent, but their time together was so short, it was shattering.
He shuddered to think that their years together would be like a week, in his lifetime. It was so short. So, so short, too short. And yet...
No.
Bee would never ask.
He hadn't expected Sam to look at him like that, though.
Hadn't expected him to come back a day later and look at him like he knew.
"You're not telling me something."
He hadn't known Sam could understand his silence.
Sam stood there, dark eyes fixed on him, question on his face. He'd accompanied Bee on the trek out to the perimeter fence, to check on a satellite, something he usually didn't find interesting. Bee usually told Sam it would honestly be boring, that he wouldn't even have one of the usual companions to talk to, as Arcee was coming to help and not Ironhide or Sideswipe or anyone Sam usually talked to, but this time, Sam had quietly insisted on coming. He'd waited, uncharacteristically patient, while Bee checked the satellite. Bee had switched to his human form to join Sam, sitting at the top of the hill, looking out at the lake, its dark waters shimmering with a reflection of the sunset's last rays of light. Arcee sensed the seriousness of the suspended conversation and chose to linger far out of earshot, the motorcycle parked farther away until she could follow them back.
"I know you're not Bee. I really wish you'd tell me." Sam was silhouetted against the last of the light, but Bee knew the look on his face anyways.
"It's just what you said yesterday." Bee turned his gaze to the darkening lake below, wondering when the reflections of stars would start to appear. "Giving up everything like that. Do you... understand? What that means? It... it's staggering, what you would lose. Everything you knew would someday be gone. Everyone, every human you know, would be gone. It's like reinventing your world every couple hundred years. Once you get used to something, it's gone. Nothing stays the same for long, but you can't help but get attached to your favorite time..." He bit his lip, shaking his head. "Nothing ever comes back."
"You miss a time on earth?" Sam's tone of soft, sympathetic wonder showed that he'd never so much as considered the concept. Bee nodded.
"It's pointless, really. It's hardly my planet. But... the medieval ages. There was a magic back then that's dead now. People still had heroes and they still believed in miracles, and everything was different. Back then, there were the Cathedrals, just constructed, and they were beautiful. Unbelievable. You felt like you weren't on Earth anymore. There were the Templar knights, and you always felt safer, knowing they were protecting people, and it was like... they were heroes. People still believed magic existed. It was amazing. I was devastated, the day I realized it was going." Bee drew in a breath, still gazing out at the lake as it darkened, the sun taking the last of its light away over the horizon, "It was my favorite time. And if you stayed, you'd have to live with that too. We've all got something we miss."
"I didn't... didn't know that."
"I'd say you could ask, but... no one can talk about it, everyone's still heartbroken about losing those years. Every time, it feels like you leave a big part of yourself there. It's happened to everyone. Sideswipe misses the Renaissance, how everything was a new discovery and there were still things left to discover. Sunstreaker misses the era when the Greeks ruled everything, misses how the gods and goddesses could explain away everything, liked having that to rely on to make everything seem explainable. Jazz loved the Egyptian era, he was just in awe of everything they accomplished, how the might of that empire was just unrealized until it came into its glory. And Ironhide's time was actually much later, during the American revolution, all that patriotism and self determination. Basically... everyone left their heart somewhere." Bee fell silent for a few minutes. "It's the hardest right afterwards. On the day you realize it's gone."
"So miss the medieval ages most of all?" Sam asked. It was easy, effortless, to imagine Bee loving that sort of era. He was always excited at anything, it was natural that he would love a time when everything was new, when magic was true, when it seemed anything could happen.
"To be honest... not anymore." Bee gave him a bittersweet smile. "I'll miss right now more." His smile disappeared. "The reason I'm telling you this, Sam is because you don't seem to understand how hard it is to lose the entire world you know. You would have to give up everything." Sam slipped his hand into Bee's, saying nothing. Bee laced his fingers with Sam's, but looked away. "I won't let you do that."
Sam felt like the whole world had fallen away, throwing him into a new reality, without warning, none at all.
"Won't, or wouldn't?"
He didn't need an answer. The way a wholly miserable look appeared on Bee's face told him everything.
Words failed to come to Sam, haunting on the edges of his reach, eluding him, but his silence said everything for him. Said you didn't tell me, said I didn't know, said how could you, said I'm sorry.
He'd thought Bee was selfless before. Now, Sam saw that he truly hadn't realized the depth of it.
"I won't." Bee finally said, voice low. "I won't let you do that."
It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.
"Won't, because... because I could."
The world had stopped turning, Sam's breath ceased to come, the moon froze where it was on its ascent into the night sky, as the entire universe froze on a heartbeat.
Bee nodded yes, silent like he was saying, I love you, like he was saying, I love you too much to let you stay with me.
"Then can I ask you something?" Sam said slowly. Bee just nodded. "Just... for a moment, pretend all that didn't matter. That it wouldn't happen, that I wouldn't lose what I loved the most. Can you just imagine that for me?" Bee was silent.
"Yeah."
"Okay. Given all that, would you want me to stay?"
Bee wiped away welling tears.
"Don't do this to me, Sam. Please." His voice hitched. "Yes. Yes. I would. There's nothing else I want. You're my world now. I would want you to stay with me." He took a shaky breath. "Don't ever make me think of that again. It hurts, and I can't have it. Never again."
Sam hated what he was doing, but he had to.
"I wouldn't lose what I love the most, Bee."
"Yes. Yes you would." Bee's stubborn, worn tone was insistent even as he forced away tears, "You'd lose your entire world."
"No. I wouldn't. It's like you said." Sam pressed on gently, "It's you that's my whole world. I don't care that I'd be losing everything else, because that wouldn't matter. I'd have you. Tell me it wouldn't have been different, if you'd lost an era but had someone to be with?"
Bee sniffled, said nothing. Sam was right. Bee had asked the same question once, of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Sunstreaker had lost the time that meant the most to him when he was alone, but Sideswipe had lost his when he had Sunstreaker.
It hadn't hurt as much, he'd said. He'd lost his era, but not his world. His world had stayed with him, consoling him over the loss of a time, easing the pain.
"It would have been different." Bee's voice faltered. "But Sam, you wouldn't just lose a time. You'd lose people. Every single person you know-"
"I'd have you. All the Bots here. And you." Sam squeezed his hand gently. "Don't you think I've thought about this? It's all I can think about. I know it's because you love me that you don't want me to stay-"
"It's all because I love you" Bee confirmed quietly. "I love you too much to let you do that."
"But-"
"No, Sam." Bee wouldn't look at him, but his voice was firm in his resolve. "You don't understand what it would be like for you. You've never lost everything you've known before. You don't know what it's like to lose everything, and lose it again, and again. I'm not going to put you through that. Nothing could make me do that to you. Not even myself."
"So you're saying..." Sam said slowly, and Bee looked at him hopefully, like Sam would understand the reasoning, "you don't actually need me to stay, if you won't let me go through all that for you." Bee's expression darkened.
"Sam, that's not-" Bee tried, as Sam stood impatiently, stalking away a few feet. Bee stood up as well, crossing his arms, refusing to go after Sam.
"Come on, Bee, can't you see how much it looks like it? I told you I'd do anything, any you won't let me! Don't you think I should get a say?"
"No." Sam noticed the drop in Bee's tone to a dangerous low, "No, Sam. You don't understand what you would be doing. You don't understand what you would be giving up."
"I don't understand?! Why the hell not?! I have thought about this Bee, and I get it! Anything else I'm not seeing?" He tossed out sarcastically. Bee threw him a furious look, turning away.
"Obviously you don't understand me, either. I'm not doing it because I don't want you around. I'm doing it because I fucking love you too much to let you give up everything."
"It's not everything-"
"Yeah, Sam, it is!" Bee was aware he was starting to yell, but didn't pause to reconsider, "For Primus's sake, Sam, there's nothing that would stay the same!" Sam always flinched a little when Bee used phrases unique to the Autobots. It made him feel that much different, feel farther away, made him feel like the gap between then was really a chasm, a void into which fell the lightyears between them, the planets that separated them, the galaxies they didn't share. "And you just can't understand that! If you don't believe me, fine, ask someone else! Ask anyone about how much you miss something like that once it's gone! Ask anyone! Maybe then you'll get it and understand that I'm not doing this for myself!"
Sam didn't say anything, still couldn't. It was like they traded personalities when they fought; Sam drew into silent shock and Bee said everything he'd kept pent up. Perhaps it was a cause and effect- Bee spoke more than he had over the last couple days all at once, and Sam was startled into silence, maybe Sam's silence enraged Bee into yelling, neither knew, neither could logically think it through during a fight.
"You think I want to live without you? I won't let you give up the world for me!"
"Well, fine, Bee!" Sam found his voice again, shouting across the clearing at Bee, fists clenched, "Maybe you're saving me from making a mistake, who knows. But I'm never going to think so! I don't want you to be in that much pain later, Bee. Can't you see that I don't want you to hurt that much?"
"I won't let you sacrifice anything more for me" Bee hissed, in that entirely un-Bee-like way that always surfaced during fights, "I already fucked up as your guardian by doing all this. I'm not going to steal the little bit of lifetime you have left. You give that up to live for thousands more years! It doesn't just get added on, it changes everything."
"Goddamn it, Bee, I want to give it up!"
"I know" Bee 's voice dropped form a shout to a snarl, as Sam realized just how few times Bee had ever been so determined, so insistent, so impossible, "And I won't let you." Sam turned away, and when he glanced back, Bee was gone.
Sam heard footsteps and turned, only to see Arcee's holo waiting at the edge of the clearing. "Bee said you'd need a ride back." She said quietly. Sam just nodded, unable to speak.
It was so quintessentially Bee, looking out for Sam even when they weren't speaking.
It made Sam wonder if he'd been utterly, wholly wrong to question Bee's motives.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
At first, Optimus had disliked the human holo program, because the Bots tended to get entirely out of hand with it. (Plus, he'd gotten rather tired of nearly walking in on utterly unspeakable things) He'd come to terms with it though, and now employed the bots to improve the fine details of weaponry and technological pieces while in the holo program, due to the increased ease.
Sunstreaker had already finished refiguring hte wiring on a scanner and was sitting on the desk, watching Sideswipe swear to himself and fling things.
"Well?" he persisted. Sideswipe had just climbed up onto the desk, trying to reach the highest video screen on the wall, and didn't try to look back. "Which one?"
"I dunno." He pried at the screen's frame with a screwdriver, then swore at it and tossed it across the room. "I think..." He fished a different screwdriver out of his jeans pocket as he reached up with the other hand to try the frame again, tan skin showing as his jeans were pushed down slightly and his shirt rode up, "you're staring at me, aren't you?"
"Well..." Sunstreaker grinned, leaning back on his hands to better watch his brunette Bot, "your ass, to be exact."
"Don't you have something to do?"
"Just you."
"Single-fucking-minded-"
"You bet I am. Well? Which was your favorite?" Sunstreaker persisted. Sideswipe laughed.
"Let me think." He rose up on his toes to reach higher, "Got it. The time it was under the table during Prime's video conference with the secretary general." Sunstreaker snorted with laughter at that.
"We almost got caught that time."
"Would'a been mortifying."
"Yeah, no kidding. He'd a gotten jealous" Sunstreaker grinned, "I wouldn't want to like, share you with him. No threesomes, either." This made Sideswipe laugh so hard he nearly fell off the desk and had to hang onto the shelf to stay upright.
"So what's your favorite time, then?" he managed to ask.
"Hmmm..." Sunstreaker ran his tongue over his lip, thinking, and then suddenly brightened, "Oh, I know!" Sideswipe didn't happen to see the devious look on Sunstreaker's face. "In the store room when we were supposed to be doing inventory."
"What was so special about that? I mean, it wasn't anything-"
"Oh, yes it was." Sunstreaker smirked. "The security camera was actually recording." Sideswipe whipped around towards him, and in doing so, tumbled nearly to the ground. Sunstreaker conveniently reappeared right below, catching Sideswipe in his arms.
"It was on?!" Sideswipe spluttered. Sunstreaker nodded, still smirking.
"Did I forget to mention that to you? Darn." He dropped a kiss to Sideswipe's forehead. "It was cute how you didn't even notice that Ironhide was looking at us funny the next day."
"I thought it was a coincidence." Sideswipe protested, and Sunstreaker just laughed.
"Swipe, I love you, but for all your over thinking, you really are a ditz sometimes."
Before Sideswipe could protest again, they heard footsteps in the corridor. "Better finish whatever you were doing" Sunstreaker deposited Sideswipe on the desk unceremoniously.
"Owww. Bastard." Sideswipe picked himself back up, as Sunstreaker sauntered back to his desk to watch. "Primus, I'll never be able to so much as look at Ironhide again. I had no idea he'd seen that!"
"Who knows? Maybe he liked it." Sunstreaker laughed and ducked when Sideswipe flung a wrench at him.
"You're going to give me a spark meltdown, I swear to Primus. And so help me, I will just kill you before you can do that!"
The door to the control room opened, "Why are you killing him?" Ironhide's voice made Sideswipe choke, as Sunstreaker burst into wild laughter. "What the hell is so funny?"
"N-Nothing" Sunstreaker gasped, avoiding looking at Ironhide. Sideswipe said nothing, head against the screen, shoulders shaking.
"What the hell is wrong with you two? I was just going to ask if someone could check something in Engineering, but you know what? You're too weird to help." Ironhide shut the door again, walking away and muttering to himself about how he would never- not in a million lifetimes, never- understand the two.
"I'm gonna go help him." Sunstraeker hopped up, crossing the room to look up at Sideswipe. "You gonna be okay to finish up here?" He handed up the pliers Sideswipe pointed to.
"I'd'll be eas'r wi'out 'ou" Sideswipe said, end of the screwdriver between his teeth, as he worked with the pliers on a wire, "'onest"
"Catch ya later hten."
"Mm-hm." Sideswipe dropped one hand to caress Sunstreaker's cheek, and Sunstraeker pressed a kiss to his palm.
"I'll be expecting you"
He paused at the doorway, though, "maybe you should keep a better record of where security cameras are." He left laughing at the sight of Sideswipe nearly falling again.
Sam, meanwhile, had decided to take Bee up on his offer. Granted, it wasn't something Bee had thought he'd take seriously, but Sam was curious anyways. He hadn't spoken to Bee in two days, and he wanted to have something good to say when we went back with an apology. There was no doubt in Sam's mind that he would make up with Bee- but later, when he could have some decent argument as to why Bee should just let him stay already.
He'd gone down the list of Bots several times, trying to decide who wouldn't shoot him on the spot for asking such a potentially personal question. Ironhide was a no-go. Sam didn't want to get shot right off, as had almost happened when he'd asked a seemingly innocent question about what an 'overload' was, after hearing the other Bots talking about it. Sideswipe was likewise a no, what with how much he hated talking about how he really felt; Sam had once made the mistake of asking him whether Bots were into dating (In retrospect, Sam now saw that he couldn't have found a worse question to ask that particular Bot). The Twins Sam dismissed almost immediately; he had yet to ever get a serious answer out of them. He'd never have the guts to ask Optimus, and Ratchet, although always willing to talk, wasn't one of the bots Sam was closest to; it would feel way too much like an intrusion to ask something, if it really was as emotional as Bee claimed it to be. Arcee was a Bot Sam would never approach; there was a reason she had worked on her own more- she wasn't the most agreeable, and could get unspeakable cold when she wanted to be, which was most of the time. Sam would have seriously considered asking Jazz, who had been honest when prompted to be. He eventually settled on Sunstreaker. Sam had never asked him anything quite like this, and figured that a wild card was better than a card that marked him for death.
Sunstreaker was at the engineering complex, fiddling with what looked to Sam like a jumble of wires and bits of metal and nothing more. "Hey, Sam." He glanced up from the tabletop to offer a smile, "We broke the handcuffs. But it was entirely not my fault." He grinned devilishly, "Then again, there's something to be said for creativity."
"Way more than I wanted to know, thanks. You must be a hell of a masochist if you liked that." Sam said. Sunstreaker just gave him a suspiciously thoughtful smile. "Anyways. Totally didn't come here to talk about that."
"Really now? I'm' disappointed. What did you want to talk about, then?" He waited as Sam paced around the metal table. "What, are you trying to tell me you accidentally burned down a building or something? What is it?"
"I just had a question for you" Sam stopped his nervous pacing, standing at the other end of the table, "and you don't have to tell me. Really. I just-"
"Just tell me, Sam. It's okay." Sunstreaker urged gently. Sam sighed.
"It's just that I was sort of... arguing with Bee. And- what's with the shock?" He scowled at the look of surprise on Sunstreaker's face, "It's not like everyone else never fights."
"Of course, but-" Sunstreaker looked back down at the destroyed handcuffs, "I'm sorry. It's just a little surprising. Go on."
"Well.. he said something I was wondering about. He was talking about how it's not easy to live for such a long time, on a planet that's sort of set up for shorter lifespans. And..." Sam tried to judge how Sunstreaker would react, but apparently, Sunstreaker couldn't figure out enough of where Sam was going with the line of questioning, "And he said that Bots get attached to eras and hate it when they go. And... I just wanted to ask... if that's true?" Sunstreaker just looked at him for a few moments.
"Yes. Very true. That's all he told you?"
"Um... yeah." Sam frowned. "Why? Is there something more?" Sunstreaker bit his lip, averting his gaze. "I mean, what's it really like? He said everyone had a time..."
"Yeah" Sunstreaker's voice was painfully wistful, "you end up loving it so much, you forget it won't last. And one day, of course, an empire falls, and you realize that you're the only one left who remembers just how amazing it really was..." Sam almost wished he hadn't asked, wished he had believed Bee's warning, that asking would be tearing at old wounds that never truly healed. "One of the most painful things in the world. You want to die with the world you gave your heart to." He ducked his head, brushing away tears with one hand. "I'm sorry, Sam, I can't-"
"It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" Sam stammered, guilt tripling at the glint of tears, "I'm really sorry." He ran straight into Sideswipe in the doorway, and got a questioning look.
"What's with you?"
"I just... yeah." Sam stammered out the vague excuse, and Sideswipe slipped by him, Sam forgotten when he saw how Sunstreaker was trembling. Sam hung back outside the doorway, as Sideswipe put his arms around Sunstreaker, whispering to him, kissing his cheek and holding him tight. The two might have fought nonstop some days, but it was obvious, from the tenderness to every touch, that they had a world more than that.
"What's wrong, Sun?" He picked his lover up and set him on the table to sit so he could see Sunstreaker's face, and as if knowing Sunstreaker wasn't going to be able to stand. "Tell me. Please." As if it wasn't already heartbreaking enough to see Sunstreaker so upset, Sideswipe was just as affected by his lover's pain.
"I just... was just talking about... about..." His voice broke and he just sobbed into Sideswipe's chest and said nothing more. Something about the pained look on Sideswipe's face made Sam certain that this wasn't the first time, wouldn't be the last, couldn't always be avoided, and that it was never any less painful.
"Greece?" Sideswipe murmured. The fact that Sideswipe could guess from the reaction alone was painfully powerful; Sam knew it wasn't just because Sideswipe knew his lover that well. "It's okay, babe."
"I miss everything" Sunstreaker whispered brokenly, "I want that all back... I miss it, I miss it so much..."
"I know, I know you do" Sideswipe's murmur was soothing, "and it's okay. I know you miss it. But you're going to be okay without it. I promise."
"No. No I'm not. I want it back, I really, really do. Does it always hurt this much? Does everyone feel like this?" He lifted his gaze to meet Sideswipe's, "Do you?" Sideswipe was speechless for a good two minutes.
"Yeah, babe. I miss it." He was silent for a few moments, "But it was different."
"Why?"
"Why?" Sideswipe echoed, smiling slightly. He dropped a kiss to the tip of Sunstreaker's nose. "Because of you, of course. I had you." Sunstreaker bit his lip, turning his face back into Sideswipe's neck, starting to cry again. Sideswipe bit his lip, rubbing his hand over Sunstreaker's back, ducking his head to whisper to him, words only Sunstreaker had ever heard, words that could have saved his heart years and years ago.
"I wish I had you when it was over..."
Bee had been right, but there was so much more to it. Sam could see that, could feel it, even as he didn't want to, even as he didn't want to accept that such a life would be harder than he even had the capacity to imagine.
Sunstreaker just sobbed, like the world was ending, because his world had.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sam dove to the ground, shaking, hands over his head. "I give up! I surrender! Just don't kill me, please!"
"If you insist." Tanner sighed, letting hte ping pong ball bounce against the table. "You lost. You owe me coffee."
"Yeah, yeah." Sam got back to his feet, shooting a wary look at the paddle still in Tanner's hand. "First Ironhide puts a hole in the wall with a ping pong ball, and now you want to do the same to my face. I'm not liking this new table." There was a hole straight through the wall, the size of a ping pong ball, from when Ironhide played Sideswipe.
"You should be glad it wasn't worse." Tanner grinned, setting down the paddle. "And that you don't owe me a new car or something. Wanna bet that?"
"I would like a new car..." Sam said wistfully. Tanner burst out laughing.
"WHat, did you break up with yours?" Had Bee been in the near-empty rec room, he would have been growling a very threatening "why do you sound so hopeful?!" but he was- well, Sam didn't exactly know where. He hadn't seen Bee in four days.
"Course not. I just want a car that doesn't have a mind of its own, and isn't so busy elsewhere that it can't always take me where I want. Must be nice, to have an inanimate car..."
"Dream on, Sam" Lennox appeared in the doorway connecting the rec room to the cafe, coffee in hand, "I've wanted one of those for several years, but all I've got is a car that doesn't mind ditching me when he's got something more important to do." He wandered out again, saying he was going to go see if his own car was currently available.
"So, where is your car-and-boyfriend?" Tanner asked, crossing the room to flop down on the couch and turn on the widescreen TV. Sam followed, hesitant to admit that he didn't have an answer.
"Oh, he's got stuff he has to do around the city. Engineering and all. You know. The usual." The vagueness of this made it all-too obvious to Tanner.
"So when was the last time you saw him? Last week?"
"Four days ago, actually." Sam watched as Tanner flipped through the TV channels, spending no more than thirty seconds on each one. "we had a... um... disagreement."
"How the mighty have fallen."
"Shut up. We'll make up later."
"Unless you fight again. What would happen?" Tanner asked with a genuine, worrying curiosity. "I mean, what then?"
"We won't break up." Sam said quietly. "I know that. I wouldn't, at least. I don't... don't really know how to explain it. I just... know he's the one."
"That's called Sparkbonding." Sideswipe's voice made Tanner flinch. Sam twisted around to see Sideswipe wander in, looking distracted, like his mind was far away. "At least, assuming that's it."
"I've never... never heard of that." Sam ignored Tanner, who was sliding off the couch and discreetly heading for the door.
"You lay one hand on my Bot and I'll tear you apart" Sideswipe called out, like it was just his standard goodbye. Tanner froze.
"I swear I won't! Why won't you believe me!"
"Because you did!"
"Once! Just once!" Sideswipe crossed his arms and glowered. "Okay, twice! Just twice! But I won't do it again!" Tanner frowned, "also because he told me he'd murder me."
"He knows he's too good for you."
"So why are you with him?" Tanner bolted from the room before Sideswipe could tear him to pieces.
"That little-" Sideswipe hissed under his breath, glaring after Tanner. "I may not be good enough for him, but I'm damn better than that idiot." He decided not to chase after Tanner, sitting in one of the empty armchairs instead. "So. Sam." Sam crossed his fingers and hoped he wasn't about to meet the same fate Tanner was tempting. "May I ask why you did that to him?"
"Tanner?" Sam asked hopefully. Sideswipe shook his head no, not even giving Sam the words. "I really am sorry."
"I know you are. So does he. He'd come talk to you himself, but..." Sideswipe bit his lip, "he's not up for that." That was why Sideswipe had been looking so disoriented, Sam thought, he was still worried. It never ceased to amaze him, how boundless teh couple's care for each other was, despite how they could scream and howl at each other in anger. "Just wondering why, that's all."
"I didn't know. Bee had told me, but... I didn't believe him. I thought he was just trying to talk me out of staying with him. And he said... 'ask anyone', so I... did."
"Good choice" Sideswipe said sarcastically, "ask the most emotional. That was great."
"I didn't mean to!" Sam protested, wide-eyed, "Honest! I just thought, well, who I could ask, and Ironhide would have killed me, the Twins would have like, lied or something, I didn't want to ask Ratchet or Prime, and you would have-uh-"
"Yeah. Probably wouldn't have been pleasant. Although it would have been better than most of the Bots. But definitely not fun for you, that's for sure." Sideswipe confirmed, "But how could you have known that?"
"Remember that one time? When I asked you-" Sam started slowly, and Sideswipe nodded.
"Oh, I remember that. Asking me about dating among the Bots."
"I really am sorry about that" Sam said- and a quick assessment of voice files told Sideswipe it was the two hundred and sixty-third time. "I didn't know."
"Well, how could you have? It was just... a very bad guess." Sideswipe was putting it mildly, both knew that. Sam had innocently chosen a random Bot to ask, and had happened to choose the one that hadn't dated in five hundred years because he hadn't been over the last and never would be. "And I probably shouldn't have gotten as hostile as I did" he added grudgingly, the closest thing to an apology he would ever give, "but this isn't the point. You didn't believe Bee, huh? Why were you guys talking about that?"
"I want to stay and he doesn't want me to, doesn't want me to get hurt." Sam shrugged a shoulder, eyes downcast. "That was one of the reasons, he said." Sam looked up to meet the dark eyes, "what were you saying before? Spark something?"
"Sparkbonding. Every spark has another half. Our universe is very technical; everything has a responding charge, be it opposite or the same, or anything. Like electricity, or magnets."
"Pre-destined lovers?"
"Kind of, yeah. And a Sparkmate... they're forever. You just know it, you can feel it. It's because you were made for each other."
Sam had a sinking feeling at those words.
"Don't you usually.... tell each other?"
"Yeah" Sideswipe said, as if it were perfectly obvious, "I mean, you're freakin' overjoyed to have found the one, so, yeah, you tell each other. And everyone else, too. Why exactly do you ask?"
The sinking feeling wasn't going away; instead, it felt like all the breath had been drained from his body.
"Just... Bee never.... mentioned that before..." Sam looked to Sideswipe for some sort of comfort, but Sideswipe had a worried look on his face.
"Oh. Really? Never?" Sam just nodded yes mutely. "That's... uh, that's interesting."
"Interesting like 'a sign you're doomed' interesting?"
"Not... really." Sideswipe looked uneasy. "I mean... he might... uh-" he looked up all-too quickly when someone else came into the room. "Ironhide!"
"Hi..." Ironhide flinched at the sudden, nearly shouted greeting. "What's happening?"
"I was actually gonna ask you something." Sideswipe stood, not looking at Sam, "About a, uh, security camera."
"What about 'em?"
Sam turned to watch; Ironhide looked like he was trying to figure out where Sideswipe was going with it.
"There was this thing... about... I dunno, maybe six hundred earth years ago..." Sideswipe leaned against the back of the couch, crossing his arms across his chest, "involving a store room..."
"I don-oh. Oh." Ironhide suddenly turned a crimson color, "Oh, right. That."
"Yeah. That."
Sam looked between the two, completely lost. Ironhide looked almost mortified, and Sideswipe, well, Sam would have said he was embarrassed, if he didn't look so livid.
"I just found out about it" Sideswipe said slowly, "so glad you guys both decided not to tell me."
"Honest to Primus, it was a total accident. And, y'know..." Ironhide shrugged a shoulder, "It wouldn't kill you guys to be more..." He wisely let his words trail off.
"I can't believe youv'e seen that. And didn't tell me!"
"And how was I supposed to tell you?" Ironhide fought away a smile, "'oh, hey, by the way, just saw you getting fucked in a store room'?"
"What?" Sam choked, eyes widening. Sideswipe groaned, shooting a murderous look at Ironhide, who shrugged.
"You say one damn word about it, Sam," Sideswipe spun to glare down at him, "And I will personally murder you. Understand?"
"Yeah" Sam all-but squeaked, "I understand."
Sideswipe stalked out of the room without another word. As soon as he was gone, Sam looked to Ironhide for some sort of explanation.
"I'd hoped he'd forgotten about that.." Ironhide mumbled, half to himself.
"What happened?"
"I was on monitor duty, and I guess they thought the cameras were off or something... although I swear Sunstreaker knew it. I have no idea how he found out I saw it, I ran out as soon as I saw that screen..." Ironhide shook his head, "They're just too creative, if you ask me. Or maybe love drives them crazy. Who knows. But speaking of that-"
"Of crazy or of love?"
"Same thing. Are you gonna talk to Bee anytime soon?"
"Why?" Sam leaned on the couch cushions, watching Ironhide wander to the other side of the room. As always, there were decorations up in the room, this time banners proclaiming "Happy Hot Tea Month!" Sam hadn't been aware that January was the official month of said beverage, but he'd learned a lot about holidays in his few years spent in the city. The banners were accompanied by lots of silver streamers, as well as signs that read, "NEVER Try Tea-Flavored Vodka!" and "Green Tea Yogurt Sucks" and "My Girlfriend Uses Green Tea Moisturizer Or Something Like That" and "Real Men Drink Tea." The cafe had refused to give out free tea in honor of the event.
"Because... well..." Ironhide was looking out the window at the end of the room, instead of at Sam, "He's been sulking around for the last few days. If you haven't noticed."
"I haven't seen him."
"Ah. That explains it." Ironhide sighed, "Well, to clue you in, January's become National Emotional Month."
"Why?" Sam was fairly certain this was going to be partly- if not mostly- his fault.
"Well, let's see. I know Sunstreaker had a breakdown today, for starters. And, oh, Epps is in a rage because the place where he parks just raised their rates from eighty to one hundred and twenty. Lennox is pissed off because his daughter's day care is closing and they have to find another one fast. This girl, Kate, has been in hysterics because she swears her oven is haunted. Sideswipe's obviously in a snit. Optimus is frustrated because the video screen keeps on breaking down. And you haven't exactly been Mr. Wonderful To Be Around yourself. And Bee's been snapping at anyone that talks to him, and looks like he's gonna end up going into histrionics like Sunstreaker. So if you're smart, you won't go mentioning you-know-when to him. And that, my friend, is why January is National Emotional Month!"
"Oh. I, uh, I see..." Sam nodded slowly. "That's, uh.... that's nice."
"It's hell, if that's what you mean" Ironhide snorted, "You try putting up with your closest friends when they're all worked up about something or another. At least you've got some friends who aren't currently going mental."
"I do?"
"Uh, yeah you do. Me and Tanner aren't going off hte deep end this month. You should feel so lucky." No matter how many times he heard it, Sam always felt sort of privileged, that the Bots counted him as a close friend. "Then again, you do have a pissed-off Bee on your hands. So maybe you're not so lucky."
"Thanks for that" Sam said dryly. "I really, really needed to be reminded just how screwed I am."
"Don't you mean how screwed you aren't? Because I dunno about you, but usually, when a guy's pissed off his lover, he rarely ever gets any..." Ironhide laughed when Sam spluttered and choked.
"Do I wanna know?" Tanner leaned around hte doorway to the cafe. Sam shook his head no. Tanner's gaze slid over to Ironhide.
Sam recognized that look.
"Oh, hi, Ironhide" The hopeful smile made his motives all-too obvious, and Sam inwardly groaned. "What's up?"
"Nothing..." Ironhide arched an eyebrow. "Uh... what about you?"
"Nothing" Tanner was entirely too energetic. "So, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure..." Ironhide's unease was obvious. Sam covered his face with his hands and sank back into the couch.
"Really?" Tanner beamed.
"Uh... sure. Why not?" Ironhide said, even as Sam waved his arms and tried to signal for him to say no.
"You don't have a super possessive lover, right?"
"Uh. No." Ironhide didn't seem to have made the connection, even as Sam groaned aloud and pressed a couch pillow over his face in a hope to just smother himself.
"So... that means you're single?" Tanner was stepping past the thin ice onto the water itself in hopes of staying afloat.
"I suppose, logically, yes." Ironhide frowned. "But why in the world are you asking?"
Tanner looked a little discouraged at how disappointingly dense Ironhide was being.
"Look, if you're done with the interrogation here, I have stuff to do."
He bid them both goodbye and left the room.
"Damn but that guy is oblivious..." Tanner mumbled, sulking out of the room. Sam flopped back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. His thoughts refused to be silenced, the sounds of the past week continuing to whirl in his mind until he couldn't escape them, like all he was breathing was those heart-wrenching sounds.
Those words, their insistence, the crushing finality.
Sunstreaker's sobs.
Bee's screaming.
Screaming that he wouldn't let Sam stay.
The silence whispered in words he'd never said, words to slip into the fractures of Sam's heart and freeze, widening scars, never letting them heal.
Not saying he wouldn't let Sam stay because they weren't Sparkmates, not saying that.
But meaning it.
……………………
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sunshine