Ranma1/2 and all related characters are the property of Rumiko Takahashi and Viz

Entertainment. No Money is being made from their use in this work of Fanfiction-otherwise I'd be too rich to work where I do.

Chapter 21: The Saotome Brothers Train on Mount Terror

Ranma moaned as Kinma tried to explain algebra to him. "Look Ranma, if x equals 3 and y equals 11, then what is a triple x squared minus a double y?"

Ranma rolled up his eyes. "A billion?"

Kinma closed his eyes and shook his head. His brother wasn't stupid-no one who picked up martial arts techniques the way Ranma did could be considered stupid-but he just didn't seem interested in anything else. Kinma was no honor student himself but always managed to keep his grades decent. "Look Ranma, you want to be like Pop? Going from town to town dodging bill collectors and freeloading off of people you engage your kids to?"

That brought Ranma to attention. "Heck no!" For the next half hour Ranma actually concentrated on his homework, until he solved enough of the problems on his assignment that Kinma hoped would satisfy Ranma's teacher.

Kasumi came into family room holding a letter. "This came in the mail for you," she said, handing it to Kinma. "For both of you, actually."

Kinma took the letter from Kasumi and opened it. "It's from Ryoga."

"Oh?" Ranma got up and walked over to his brother's side. "What does it say?"

Dear Ranma and Kinma, the letter read, I have been training here in the cold lonely mountains of Okinawa-

Ranma scratched his head. "Okinawa doesn't have any mountains that I know of, and it isn't cold either."

"He must be in Hokkaido," put in Kinma.

-for the past two weeks. I will be coming to Tendo Dojo this Friday. Get ready to die, both of you!

"That's a formal letter of challenge!" The two brothers looked and saw Akane come into the room with P-chan cradled in her arms. "And Friday is today."

"Huh." Ranma snorted. "With his sense of direction he could be just about anywhere right now. I'd say we've got about a week, right Kinma?"

One week later…

Conditioner smiled as she counted up the day's profits. They'd had a very busy day at the Cat Café, and by the look of things, a very profitable one as well. "Added this day, we make 6,000,000 yen this week!" she called to her sister Shampoo, who was busy clearing the tables.

"That good news!" Shampoo said. Suddenly she looked to see the doorway behind her sister. "Welcome back, Great Grandmother!" Cologne had just walked through the door carrying a backpack on her staff.

Conditioner also looked at the family matriarch and smiled. "Did you find the herbs you were looking for?"

"Yes I did. And I found something else too." Cologne held up Dollars: the dog's four legs had been tied up and his mouth lashed shut with his bandanna. "Look at this tasty looking dog I found!"

"It look juicy!" Conditioner said.

"Sure do," Shampoo agreed. Dog properly cooked and seasoned was something she'd missed about China; it had been a shock to her that the Japanese not only didn't eat dogs but also were disgusted that anyone would. Who they to judge other people taste? They eat raw fish and tanuki!

"Stop squirming," Cologne said as she walked past Shampoo into the kitchen, "it'll be over before you know it."

"Say sister," Conditioner said to Shampoo, "where we see that dog before?"

Cologne got the big wok full of water boiling then pick up Dollars. "In you go," she said as she dropped the canine into the scalding hot liquid.

Shampoo looked at her twin sister in horror. "Shampoo remember now!" They rushed into the kitchen. "Great Grandmother! No cook that dog! No cook! No!"

"Eh?" Cologne looked at her two great granddaughters, then lept back to avoid being scalded by the water. For out of the wok lept a red, naked, and angry Ryoga.

"Dog turn into man!" cried Conditioner.

"So, you're a friend of my sons in law, eh?" Cologne asked.

"Don't make me laugh!" Ryoga said angrily. He had dressed himself with the change of clothes from his backpack and was getting ready to leave. "It's all the fault of those two brothers that I become a dog and my sister becomes a pig!"

"Sister become pig?" Shampoo asked. "She violent girl Akane pet pig?"

Ryoga nodded; he was angrier about what happened to Yoiko than his own situation. He could still protect himself as a dog and he didn't have to worry about people trying to eat him-most of the time. "She does it so she can be near that Kinma Saotome-in spite of all the trouble he's caused us."

Cologne took out her pipe and filled it. "Perhaps I can help."

"How can you help me?" Ryoga asked dubiously.

"I'm offering to train you," Cologne to a puff on her pipe. "I've taught both of them new techniques; I might be able to teach you a thing or two."

"No thanks." Ryoga strapped on his backpack. "See you granny."

"This show stupid," Conditioner said glumly as Shampoo's favorite Japanese anime was ending. "Five girl prance around in sailor fuku fight silly monsters. And boy in tuxedo throw exploding rose. How corny can get?"

"Shampoo agree watch Wall Street with you, so now Conditioner have to watch what Shampoo want now," Shampoo retorted.

"Excuse me." The Amazon Twins looked and saw Ryoga in the doorway of the T. V. room. "Can you show me to the door?"

Conditioner had just stepped of the shower and was about to wrap a towel around her when all of a sudden the door opened. "Where is that-AAAAGGGHHHH!"

"You peep on me, pervert boy!" Conditioner cried. "What you still do here!"

"I got lost." Ryoga covered his eyes and held his nose to stop the bleeding. "Just walk me to the door, will you?"

Sighing, Conditioner put on a bathrobe and walked Ryoga through the house to the Café door. "Here is door. Now if you ever walk in on shower no care if you is human. Become dinner for Chinese New Year!"

Kinma Saotome was as happy as he could be-without having won the sixty trillion yen lottery, at least. He was walking back on the canal rail from the Tomobiki ward; he'd sold several pictures of Akane, Ranma-chan, Kodachi and the Twins to that one guy with a goofy looking expression on his face. That rich guy who seemed like a smarter version of Kuno also bought several of them and those four bought even more photos of that alien girl who vaguely resembled an Oni. He now had enough for at least three months of rent.

"Prepare to die, Kinma Saotome!" Kinma looked up and barely dodged out of the way. "Well, well, well, look what the cat, dragged in." Kinma adjusted his glasses. "It's about time you showed up. You're a week late."

"Then I just gave you and that brother of yours another week to live!" Ryoga snarled. He swung again, and barely missed Kinma. Had Kinma as agile as his brother he would have leaped over Ryoga's head. As it was the best he could do was simply dodge out of the way of Ryoga's fists.

And his best wasn't quite good enough. He moved to block a punch, momentarily forgetting the bills in his hand-until they flew out and into the canal.

"NO!" Kinma cried as he saw his money floating out to sea. He turned back to Ryoga, and leaped to the ground. "Alright Hibiki," he said as he whipped out his staff, "I'm ready."

"Happy to oblige,"Ryoga smiled. He grabbed the umbrella from his pack and charged at Kinma. Kinma met and blocked every one of Ryoga's blows with his staff, and landed a few on the Hibiki boy. Ryoga obviously felt them but only grunted a little. This guy's an animal,Kinma thought. Quickly he turned his head and noticed a nearby fountain.

Ryoga grinned as he saw Kinma back away. He put more strenth into his blows that the older Saotome boy still managed to block. Then he saw they had come next to a fountain and rage poured out of him. "Planning to make yourself invisible, are you?" In his fury he grew careless, and failed to notice the right end of Kinma's staff come between his legs-and trip him into the fountain.

"No one said anything about me turning invisible, you mangy mutt," Kinma said to the dripping wet Dollars emerging from the fountain.

"How could you!" Kinma turned and saw Nabiki standing behind him. Dollars walked out of the pond and sat before Nabiki whimpering. She slapped Kinma in the face. "I've been worried, wondering where Dollars is, and you find him and get your kicks by dunking him in the water!" Nabiki knelt down hugged the wet dog who licked her face. "Don't worry Baby. Mommy will get you home and get you all nice and dry. And then maybe we'll get Aunt Akane to be beat him up!"

"But you can't-," Kinma said, then stopped while Nabiki and the dog walked away. You can't tell her. For Yoiko's sake you can't.

He looked back and saw the dog wag his tail as he walked alongside Nabiki. How'd he get so slow?

"It's obvious, Kinma," Ranma said as Kinma blocked one of his kicks, then fell backwards with punch to his center. "Ryoga's not slower; you're just faster."

Kinma used his staff to straighten back onto his feet. "How do you figure that little bro?"

"Simple," Ranma said. "I've gotten faster when I learned the Chesnut Fist; and you spar with me all the time. If you hadn't, you couldn't keep up with me now." Suddenly Ranma grabbed his brother's staff and sent him flying back against a tree. "Although you still don't keep up that well."

All of a sudden Genma-Panda leaped out of nowhere and kicked Ranma down next to Kinma. AND YOU'RE STILL BOTH-his sign flipped over-SLOW FOR ME!

Kinma and Ranma got back to their feet. They looked at their transformed father, at each other, then at Genma-Panda again.

SMACK! BAM! POW!

WHY DO YOU TWO INGRATES-flip-ALWAYS TEAM UP-flip-AGAINST ME?

"Well Pop," Ranma began, "there's the Cat Fist training, the time you made us grab a raw steak that was hanging over a pit of hungry wolves,the time when I was eight you stole my rice crackers-,"

"There's also the inicident with the pigs," Kinma added. "And when I was 12 you stole my winnings from a poker game to bet on a race horse that came in dead last; when I was 13 I had to spend all my pool-hustling money to bail you out of jail; and when I was 15 you paid off a bunch of bill collectors with the yen that had taken me six months of blackmail to save up!"

Nabiki carelessy placed the kindling she'd gathered into the fire. "Exactly how did we get dragged into this, Akne?" she asked her sister, who was chopping wood with her bare hands.

"While Saotome and his boys are training in the mountains it will be both of you girls' duty to take care of the cooking and all the cleaning." Soun Tendo told his daughters

Kasumi added, "It'll be great bridal taining for the both of you!"

"Duty he says," Akane grumbled, "Bridal training she says."

"It's summer vacation and what are we doing?" Nabiki moaned. "There's no running water, we have to sleep in tents on futons I can feel the hard ground on, and mosquitos are all around me!" She swatted herself. "Shoo shoo!"

Akane put the logs she'd been chopping into the fire, then saw Nabiki gather up her towels and soap. "C'here Dollars, here boy!" Nabiki called, and the big gray dog trotted up from where he'd been napping with P-Chan.

"Where are you going?" Akane asked.

"There's a hot spring nearby. I'm going to take a bath, and Dollars is going to make sure Invisible Boy doesn't spy on me."

"But we've got to get dinner ready!"

"Unlike you Akane, I know I can't cook.

Happosai grinned in delight as she watched Nabiki undress herself. She was very glad she decided to follow the others on this training journey. If only I could join her, she thought to herself. Wait a minute. You're a girl now Happi-you CAN join her!"

"Cannonball!" Nabiki blinked as she saw the pink haired little girl run and jump into the hot water spring with her.

"What are you doing in here!" Nabiki cried. "Dollars, get in here and get this pervert out!" The dog, however, only backed away from the spring and shook his head.

"Aw Nabiki," Happosai fluttered her big eyes and looked Nabiki square in the face, "What's wrong with two girls taking a bath together?"

"Because even if YOU have a little girl's body, there's still the mind of a dirty old man inside." Haposai's eyes only widened further. "Oh very well. You can stay. But no touching!"

She's making currey?" Ranma said as he, Kinma, and Genma got back to the camp. "Great!"

Kinma looked around. "Where's Nabiki?"

"She went off to that hot spring over yonder." Akane mumbled. "She doesn't care for cooking."

Akane ladled the curry into bowels. "Here, have some."

Ranma took a spoonful out of his bowel and sniffed. "It smells-interesting."

Akane smiled. "That's the white wine I used."

"Are you supposed to put that stuff in there?"

"Just shut up and eat."

Genma, Ranma, and Kinma all spooned the curry into their mouths, and gagged.

Nabiki heard the groans from camp and smiled. Akane never could cook anything decent. Nabiki couldn't cook herself, something she'd known since that home-ec teacher ate her cookies.

In room 204b of the Tokyo Insane Asylum, Ms. Megumi Karahachi, formerly a home economic teacher for Furinkan High School, struggled inside her straitjacket. "Gummi Worms! Gummi Worms inside my head!" she screamed. "They're chewing on my brain!"

Dollars wagged his tail as he watched Nabiki bathe. She was so lovely rubbing the soap over her body, and rinsing it off in the sulfer water.

Suddenly he sniffed something in the air. At first he thought it was the sulfer water, but then he realized it was something a bit different-that he'd smelled only four days ago.

He turned his head and saw Cologne balancing on her staff. "I saw what happened between you and Son-in-Law four days ago," she whispered in a voice so low Dollars only heard it because of his dog-ears. "If you want to beat both of them, there's a way I can teach you."

End of Chapter 21.

Okay, you probably know what's coming up next. Cologne is going to meet the new Happosai next chapter. How do you think she'll act?

And am I going too far with the Chinese eating dog jokes?

And Akane learns that P-Chan is Yoiko. How will she react?