Rating: M
Characters: Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo, Tim McGee, Abby Sciuto, Ducky Mallard, Jimmy Palmer, Ziva David, Leon Vance, OMC, OFC
Pairings: Gibbs/Tony
Warnings: Rape/non-con, torture, violence, trauma, angst, slash, swearing, mild Ziva bashing (She behaved horribly towards Tony at the end of season 6. I never liked her after that.)
Spoilers: Parts of the end of season 6 and the beginning of season 7
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just like to play with them.
NCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS
Dr. Rachel Cranston stood on the porch of the old house and took a few deep breaths, mentally preparing for the task ahead. Through years of practice, she had learned to distance herself, and not let herself become emotionally invested in her patients' issues.
But today, that would be nearly impossible.
For two years, she'd heard her late sister, Kate, tell stories of her NCIS team mates. Leroy Jethro Gibbs; tough but caring. He expected a lot of his agents, and he respected them enough to know they could deliver. A man who smiled so rarely, his occasional displays of humor were at once disarming and refreshing.
Rachel had spoken to Gibbs on previous occasions, but today would be their first time meeting face to face.
Though she was too distraught to attend Kate's funeral, Gibbs called to check in on her after it happened. She was surprised, and truly touched by this show of concern from a virtual stranger.
Gibbs called Rachel every year after that on the anniversary of Kate's death, and the thoughtful gesture meant more to her than she could ever express. So when Gibbs called unexpectedly, needing her help, she was more than happy to offer whatever assistance she could.
As for Tony DiNozzo, Rachel always hoped to meet him someday. But she never thought it would be under these circumstances.
Kate had shown her photos of a handsome man with a playful smile who, from all outward appearances, was healthy, energetic and confident.
Kate described Tony as a smart, competent investigator who had at first fooled her with his childish pranks and playful spirit. But she eventually discovered a depth and intelligence behind this facade.
The intelligence, Kate had admitted to Rachel, was easier to see than the depth.
In fact, it was only weeks before Kate's death, when Tony was fighting for his life with the plague, that she finally saw his mask begin to crumble. It was then that Kate saw the sensitive, vulnerable soul behind the womanizing frat boy persona. And it was then that she regretfully admitted she had judged Tony unfairly, never really making the effort to know him.
But now, it seemed, all that had been taken away from him. Yes, it was true that male survivors of rape faced their own unique set of challenges. But for Tony to completely regress to the mental state of a toddler, he must have lived through an especially disturbing set of nightmares.
Rachel knew the hours ahead would be difficult. But somehow, she felt that helping like this was a way to keep her sister close.
With that thought in mind, she slowly brought her finger to the doorbell and rang.
Through the open window, she could hear voices coming from inside. A male voice - obviously Tony's - sobbing and gasping in fear. Then came Gibbs' voice, soothing and comforting Tony. Telling him not to worry. He was safe. After a minute, the sobs quieted, and Rachel could hear footsteps. A moment later, the door swung open, and Gibbs greeted her with a tired smile.
"Good to see you," reaching out his arm, Gibbs pulled Rachel in for a hug.
"I never figured you for a hugger," she laughed, surprised.
"Yeah, well, I wasn't. Then Tony..." Gibbs' voice trailed off. It was obvious he was tired, overworked, and overhwhelmed. But, more than anything, he just wanted to know how to help Tony.
"So, how do you wanna do this?" Gibbs asked, after taking a moment to collect his thoughts.
"I was thinking I could spend a few hours with you and Tony. Just seeing how you do things here. And if Tony feels like opening up to me, even better. Then, if you're feeling up to it, I can come back tonight after Tony is asleep, and talk with you about your concerns."
"All right," Gibbs nodded with the faintest of smiles. "Come on in."
Rachel entered behind Gibbs and was met with the sight of a tight-lipped Tony turning his head away from a stocky, dark haired woman in her early 50s.
"Come on, Tony," she urged. "Just one spoonful, and it will be all over."
"No," Tony protested, putting his hand over his mouth. "Is bad."
"I know it tastes bad, but it helps to stop the hurt in your body. You want that, right?"
Unconsciously, Tony rubbed his left shoulder. "Yeah," he conceded, opening his mouth compliantly.
Rachel tried to hide her alarm as she watched Tony accepting the medicine. Gibbs told her Tony had gained a few pounds, but it couldn't have been much. He was frighteningly thin; arms practically twigs, eyes sunken into his gaunt features. Tony's oversized clothes covered his body, but Rachel was certain he was skin and bones underneath. The skin on Tony's wrists was bruised, and slightly raised; evidence of healing gashes. Similar marks formed a gruesome collar around his neck.
Swallowing the liquid, Tony scrunched up his face.
"Here," the woman chuckled, digging a spoon into a nearby bowl and offering it to Tony. "Why don't we wash that down with some oatmeal."
Tony nodded, opening his mouth and gobbling the offered food down hungrily. It seemed he couldn't get rid of the medicinal taste fast enough.
"That better?" The woman asked, smiling.
"Yeah," Tony answered with a small nod. As he did so, his eyes met Rachel's gaze, looking at her with a frightened and suspicious curiosity. "Who dat?"
"Hey there, Tony. I'm Rachel," she introduced herself, slowly approaching him.
"She's a friend," Gibbs added.
Tony's features noticeably softened at that word, and Rachel knew it held some special power for Tony. At least coming from Gibbs, it did.
"Hi...Chel." Tony reached out a bony hand for Rachel to shake, and she accepted it with a smile, careful not to grip too firmly. Tony almost seemed breakable.
She then turned her attention to the woman who had been feeding Tony. "Dr. Rachel Cranston," she introduced herself.
"Bonnie," the woman smiled, extending her hand. "Bonnie McFaddan. I'm one of Tony's home health aides."
"It's very nice to meet both of you," Rachel said, looking from Bonnie to Tony warmly.
"You need anything?" Gibbs offered. "I made a fresh pot of coffee, and there's some oatmeal left in the pot."
"I'm fine. Thank you," Rachel politely declined, taking a seat across from Tony.
By this time, Bonnie had turned her attention fully back to Tony, encouraging him to place his hand around the special spoon with the large, rubber base. "You want to try feeding yourself, Tony?"
Tony looked up anxiously at her, whimpering.
"It's okay if you spill, Tony," Bonnie assured him. "That's what your bib is for. To catch any spills. Accidents happen, and you don't need to feel bad if they do."
Whimpering again, Tony reached for the spoon, grasping it with a shaky hand and bringing it up to his mouth. Most of the oatmeal ended up on his chin, but a little bit get in his mouth.
"Good job," Bonnie praised, wiping Tony's chin. "Can you do it again?"
Tony nodded, then proceeded to repeat the action a few more times. Each time, he found a little more success getting the oatmeal into his mouth. And each time, his confidence seemed to grow. But after the fifth bite, he stopped eating, dropping his spoon back into the bowl with a messy splash.
"Aww done," Tony quietly declared.
"But Tony, you've hardly eaten anything", Rachel noted. "Aren't you hungry?"
"Aww done," Tony repeated, looking down.
"It's like this at every meal time," Gibbs sighed, before sitting down beside Tony and lifting the spoon to his mouth. "Tony, if you could eat a little more, that sure would make me happy."
Tony whined, looking at the spoon with fearful, teary eyes.
"It's okay, Tony. It's not a trick," Gibbs assured him. "Come on. Just three more bites. Think you can manage that?"
Giving a small, almost imperceptible nod, Tony opened his mouth, allowing Gibbs to feed him. And with each bite, he became more visibly upset, flinching every time the spoon came near his face.
"Good...that's a good boy," Gibbs whispered, setting the spoon back in the bowl. "I'm proud of you for eating a little more this time."
"Good boy?" Tony repeated back what Gibbs had said in disbelief. "But...eat so much."
"Nah. You didn't." Gibbs grabbed the back of Tony's head and began lovingly massaging it. "Eat as much as you want."
Tony shook his head, as if he didn't quite believe what Gibbs was saying. "I aww done."
"All right." Gibbs kissed Tony's forehead. "Let me know if you change your mind."
"K, daddy," Tony said, reaching his arms out for a hug.
Rachel didn't miss the discomfort in Gibbs' expression at being called "daddy" as he embraced Tony. She added it to her mental list of things to discuss with Gibbs that night. After observing Gibbs and Tony for only a few minutes, she could already tell they had a lot of work ahead of them.
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As she had promised, Rachel stayed through the morning, observing the routine that Gibbs had set for Tony. Though she gave them privacy for more intimate moments, when Tony might feel more vulnerable around strangers.
One thing that stood out to Rachel was that Tony's every action seemed motivated by fear and uncertainty. Every word that came out of his mouth was spoken with hesitation, as if he were asking permission. Every movement looked as though it were made with the expectation he would be punished for it. And, while Tony obviously loved and adored Gibbs, he also seemed very afraid of displeasing him.
As for Gibbs, his interactions with Tony were very cautious and deliberate. He encouraged Tony to speak up, and try to be more independent. But he never wanted Tony to feel he was being forced. This resulted in Gibbs giving in at the slightest sign of agitation from Tony; continuing to baby him, rather than potentially upset him by demanding more.
From the brief phone conversations they had prior to her visit, Rachel knew that Gibbs' behavior was largely motivated by guilt. Guilt over his treatment of Tony in the past. Regret at words and actions he could never take back. He didn't want to raise his voice to Tony, or push him too hard, because he felt Tony had been hurt by him enough.
For the moment, Tony was content, sitting in the living room and watching an old VHS copy of U2: Live At Red Rocks that had been brought over from his old apartment. Gibbs sat in an easy chair beside him, reading a magazine. Seeing Rachel, Gibbs grabbed the remote, turning the volume on the TV down low enough that she could talk to Tony if she wanted to.
As the opening notes of I Will Follow played, Rachel took a seat on the couch. Watching Tony in his wheelchair, eyes lit up, mouth turned into a joyful smile, the man seemed transformed. For the first time that morning, Tony looked truly happy.
"I like this song," Rachel commented, tapping her feet to the rhythm. "You've got good taste in music, Tony."
Tony looked over at Rachel with an excited smile, truly connecting with her for the first time since her arrival . "You yike?"
Rachel nodded. "I do. And my sister loved U2! For a long time, they were her favorite band."
"You has sister?"
Rachel nodded. "I had a sister. Her name was Kate. Do you remember Kate, Tony? She was a friend of yours."
Tony looked down into his lap, fidgeting with his hands. "I don't yike a-memmer tings. Twy...not a-memmer. Is bad."
Rachel smiled sadly at Tony. "Not all memories are bad. Sometimes they remind us of times that made us happy, or the people that care about us. And you know what, Tony? My sister cared about you very much."
"Kate...yook yike you?" Tony asked, eyes focused intently on Rachel's face.
"A little bit, yes," Rachel replied, her smile brightening. "I have some pictures with me," she added, reaching into her purse and pulling out a small photo album. "Would you like to see?"
"I...don'...don' know," Tony stammered, his words thick, as though struggling with his answer.
"Well, I'd like to see," Gibbs finally spoke, getting up and moving to stand behind Tony's wheelchair. "Tony, Kate was my friend too. Would you look at these pictures with me?" Gibbs asked, gently squeezing Tony's shoulders.
Tony reached up, lightly touching Gibbs' hand draped across his right shoulder. Worry and hesitation were written all over Tony's face. But so was a desire to make Gibbs' happy. The poor man was truly torn. But at last, after a few moments' hesitation, he gave his answer.
"Okay."
Opening the small, light purple photo album, Rachel turned to a photo of Kate wearing a t-shirt, shorts and hiking boots, standing on a walking trail. It was taken during a hiking trip the sisters had taken together two years before Kate died. She looked free-spirited and care free. A side of her that neither man had seen before.
Tony studied the picture carefully, and it wasn't long before his eyes lit up in recognition.
"Kate...I a-memmer."
"You remember Kate? That's wonderful, Tony," Rachel softly exclaimed. "What do you remember about her?"
"Kate is...nice," Tony said slowly, smiling over at Gibbs. "When I sick...she stay."
"She sure did," Gibbs confirmed, lightly squeezing Tony's hand as he smiled at the younger man with hope and pride. "She was a good friend. Wasn't going to leave you alone until she knew you were all right."
"Kate...nice..." Tony repeated, watching with interest as Rachel turned to the next picture. It was Kate, standing between Gibbs, Tony and McGee at the 2003 NCIS Christmas party. This was the NCIS family as Kate had described it. This was the team as Rachel wished she could have met them.
"You see, Tony?" Rachel pointed to each person in the photo in turn. "There's Jethro, and that you. And there's Kate and Tim."
Tony's eyes became watery as he stared, speechless, at the image before him. And as those green eyes began darting around, and his lips mouthed wordlessly, Tony reminded Rachel of a computer overheating. Trying desperately to make sense of his memories, and entirely overwhelmed by the feelings they were bringing to the surface.
"I a-memmer...I a-memmer..." he repeated, rocking back and forth, his words increasing in volume each time he spoke them, until finally, he slapped the photo album out from Rachel's hand.
"Tony?" Gibbs moved in front of Tony, lovingly caressing his cheek. He looked helpless and afraid. Unsure of what was happening, or how he could help Tony.
"Kate...Kate..."Tony's voice, thick and cracking with emotion, almost sounded inhuman as he started violently punching his forehead; an obvious imitation of Kate being shot in the head.
"Kate gone!" Kate gone! Gone! Gone...gone...g-gone..."
Tony stumbled over his words as Gibbs gently grabbed his wrist so he could no longer hurt himself.
Tony looked up to meet Gibbs' gaze. Tears now flowed freely from his eyes, and his lower lip trembled in an open-mouthed display that reminded Rachel of those silent cries that babies make before they begin wailing at top volume.
And then, sure enough, the sobs came; loud and heartbreaking. Tony collapsed into Gibbs' waiting arms, his thin, shaking form appearing truly broken.
All Rachel could do was look on as she fought to keep her composure. She felt completely useless at the moment. Unable to help, as her own heart broke all over again.