Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

(onboard the Black Pearl, men, including Norrington, are scrubbing the deck; when nobody is looking, Norrington pulls out the Playboy he took from Jack and grins looking at the photos inside)

Gibbs: Beckett!

Elizabeth: Yes, they're signed, Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company.

Jack: Agh. (spits on deck) I remember him. Short fellow, right?

Elizabeth: Very short, indeed, yes.

Jack: I'll bet there's more than one thing about him that's short.(cut to Will on drums: rim shot and cymbal crash; then back to others)

Gibbs: Will was working for Beckett and never said a word.

Jack: Agh. (spits in Gibbs' face)

Gibbs (wiping Jack's spit from his face): Beckett wants the compass. Only one reason for that.

Jack: Of course. (turns to Elizabeth) He's not satisfied, Izzy.

Elizabeth: What? No! He wants the chest!

Jack: Exactly. (studies her) Looking at you, I'm not seeing the chest, if you know what I mean.

Elizabeth (right in their faces): You sexist BASTARDS. (to Jack) And you're my brother, for Pete's sake!

Jack: You're the only woman onboard, and damned if I'm not lonely. (Director steps up and hands Jack a copy of Penthouse magazine) Oh. Thank you.

Director (to Jack): Incest won't be tolerated in a family film, Yakko.

Jack: Forgive me. I was in character way too deep. (looks at magazine) Wait. Incest won't be tolerated, but nudie mags will?

Elizabeth (to herself): Sexist bastards.

Director (to Jack): The way I see it, nudity is natural, and anything natural is good for the entire family.

Jack: But some of the women in here have, well, unnatural modifications to their bodies….

Director: Yeah, but who cares? They're naked!

Elizabeth: Sexist bastards.

Director: Could you, like, stop saying that already, Dot?

Elizabeth: Nope. I'm just gonna keep on saying it every time you objectify women.

Director: Then why, of all films, did you sign up for this one?

Elizabeth: Everyone I know is working on it, that's why!

Jack: I haven't seen the Hip Hippos anywhere, sis.

Elizabeth: They're signed on to appear in At World's End.

Jack: Sweet....

Director: Speaking of which, we have to finish this film before we can make that one! Everyone get back to your places! And…action!

Gibbs: If the company controls the chest, they controls the sea.

Jack: A truly discomforting notion, love.

Gibbs: And bad. Bad for every mother's son what calls himself a pirate. I think there's a bit more speed to be coaxed from these sails. Brace the foreyard! (runs off)

Jack (to Elizabeth): Might I inquire as to how you came by these?

Elizabeth: Persuasion.

Jack: Friendly?

Elizabeth: Decidedly not.

Jack: Will strikes a deal for these and upholds it with honor. Yet you're the one standing here with the prize. Full pardon, commission as a privateer on behalf of England and the East India Trading Company. As if I could be bought for such a low price. (tucks letters into his coat and begins to walk away)

Elizabeth: Jack., the Letters, give them back!

Jack: No. Persuade me.

(Elizabeth kicks him the groin)

Jack: Have you forgotten? I'm wearing a cup!

(Quickly, Elizabeth pulls out a mallet and is about to whack Jack on the head with it, but seconds before, he has put on a helmet, and when the mallet hits his head, it doesn't affect him at all)

Jack: Too slow! (sticks out tongue, mocking her)

(Elizabeth thinks quickly and, in a matter of seconds, zooms around Jack cartoonishly, and when she's done, he is tightly wrapped in a several layers of dynamite and cannot move his limbs to remove them; she tosses him into the sea, turns back, and covers ears during explosion)

Elizabeth (after explosion): Yes! Yes! Woooo! Yeah! Yee-haa!

Jack: What are you so excited about?

Elizabeth (unaware of the circumstances): I just blew up Captain Jack Sparrow!

Jack: Nice. I hated that guy.

Elizabeth: Me too. You know, he was one sexist—

Jack: Bastard, right? Yeah, I know!

Elizabeth: Oh my gosh! You totally got it!

Jack: Cool.

Elizabeth (offering to shake his hand): I'm Elizabeth Swann.

Jack (shaking her hand): Nice to meet you. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

Elizabeth (screaming): OH MY (CENSORED)ING GOD!!! (runs—practically flies and explodes like a rocket—away screaming)

Jack: Wait! Come back! Persuade me! (she doesn't return)Fine. (sits down and pulls out Gameboy Advance) All right! Pikachu!

(at the other end of the ship, Elizabeth faints and calms down next to Norrington)

Norrington: What happened to you?

Elizabeth: Jack's a zombie!

Norrington: Don't tell me you've forgotten that you're cartoons?

Elizabeth: Oh snap. (runs back over to Jack) You! Give me those letters right now!

Jack: Later. I'm trying to catch Rayquaza.

(Elizabeth pulls out chainsaw and turns it on)

Elizabeth: Now.

Jack: Rayquaza, Rayquaza, Rayquaza…

(Elizabeth slowly walks toward him, steadily lowering the chainsaw as she gets closer to him)

Jack (singing casually): I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh…I'm walking on sunshine…

(Elizabeth brings the chainsaw down even further, mere inches from his face)

Jack: And don't it feel good! (having caught Rayquaza, he smiles, saves the game, turns the Gameboy Advance off, and outs it away; then he turns to see the chainsaw in his face) Can I help you?

Elizabeth: Give me the letters, or I'll cut your head off.

Jack: Wouldn't that hurt?

Elizabeth: Yes! That's the whole point!

Gibbs: You wouldn't cut off Jack's head.

(Elizabeth and Jack look up to see the whole crew looking at them, sleeves rolled up, ready to beat up Elizabeth should she be foolish enough to hurt Jack)

Anamaria: We won't allow it.

Marty: We won't stand for it.

Ragetti: And if you do do it… (to Pintel) Ha ha! I said doodoo, Brain!

Pintel: Yeah, Pinky, that's admirable…(to Elizabeth) If you do hurt him, we won't hesitate to hurt you back.

Ragetti: …Well…I will, Brain…

Pintel: Just shut up and look threatening.

(Cotton mimes hanging Elizabeth)

Bobby (looking at Cotton): Yeah, that's what we'll do. Don't (censored) wit us.

(Cotton continues to mime what they'll do: he mimes taking the chainsaw and tearing Elizabeth apart and eating her remains)

Pesto: Hey hey HEY! What's up wit dis guy?! We ain't cannibals! We escaped from cannibals!

(Cotton then mimes pulling out a machine gun and shooting everyone with it)

Squit: Am I the only one who's a little bit…um…scared now?

Pesto: I hate to admit it, but no.

Bobby: We got us a crazy person over 'ere!

Gibbs: Cotton, have you been drinking? (Cotton shakes his head) Okay. Okay. (Gibbs nods to crewmen, and they take Cotton away) Don't worry, this is only until you regain your sanity…or…when you die…whichever comes first!

Jack: So are any of you going to save me, or what?

Elizabeth: No need. (throws chainsaw away, but it's still turned on, and we hear an offscreen man screaming in agony) I'm sorry.

Jack: All is forgiven. (the crew return to their places)

Elizabeth: Now give me the letters already!

Jack: No. Persuade me. (walks away)

Elizabeth: You do know Will taught me how to handle a sword.

Jack: Bitch, you just threatened me with a chainsaw. Why should a sword bother me?

(Frustrated, Elizabeth walks away and leans against the ships railing while Jack makes an odd grunting noise)

Gibbs: What was that noise, Jack?

Jack: I ate a toe on Pelegosto, and I think it's getting to me. That, or it's love.

(Norrington walks up to Elizabeth at the railing)

Norrington: It's a curious thing. There was a time when I would've given anything for you to look like that while thinking about me.

Elizabeth: I don't know what you mean.

Norrington: Oh, I think you do.

Elizabeth: Oh, don't be absurd. I trust him, that's all.

Norrington (laughs, begins to depart, pauses near the mast): So you never wondered how your latest fiancé ended up on the Flying Dutchman in the first place?