AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here it is! As you can see...I'm always trying really hard to update two chapters per week, but lately I've been so consumed at work that I had to use my chapters in stock XD, but hopefully this week I'll have more time to recover my previous rhythm...go and read and as usual, I see you in the comment section ;)
CHAPTER XXI (Piper's POV)
My sensations grew exquisitely with each one of her touches…when she found herself so close to my intimacy my heart had never beaten so hard. For a moment I thought I could not stand the intensity of the feeling anymore, of course, in that moment I did not know that I had not yet reached the epitome of the feeling. When it came to me, a wave dragged away all my senses and thoughts and I became a plain sack of flesh and bones, then I truly feared for my heart…how fast could it go? Would it stop at some point? Gradually, the senses came back to me, but only partially, as that night I had lost a large part fo them. The first thing I was aware of was her cold. My hands were welded around her arm. I was thankful for having been able to hold on to something; the icy feeling of her skin made me stay sane. My fingers were stiff, so I had to force them painfully to release the pillar of my sanity. Apparently, she was less willing to move than I. Seconds passed, maybe minutes, an eternity...and she stayed there. What was I supposed to do? What was supposed to happen now? I found my voice to ask with vacillation…
"Lady Vause?" Her body seemed to respond to my voice. I propped myself a little up with my elbows and looked down for the first time; the image was beyond my imagination. Her black hair scattered across my belly, forming a dense curtain that prevented me from elucidating her face. My heart skipped several beats and I again buried my head back in the pillow, fixing my eyes on the ceiling of the bed. But she was beginning to react. She withdrew her arm from my chest…her breathing felt laborious and sharp, it almost sounded as a deep roar, and extremely wintry in the heat of my core. Her other arm disentangled its strong grip around my hip, the blood flowed freely again along my leg; every little movement seemed to cost her a lot of effort; that worried me…was she alright? She began to crawl up my body, drawing the way up with her wet mouth across my abdomen. I could almost hear the sizzling sound of her cold lips and tongue against my skin. She stopped on my chest and collapsed on me, her dark locks of hair caused me a tickling sensation. There, she lay her right ear just where my heart was…she listened to it for a considerable time. Again, her stillness worried me...
"Alex…?" I whispered her name, and it came so familiar to my mouth that only after I said it, I realized my mistake. In my dreams I always called her by her name…in the reality it was the first time I called her by Alex…she lifted her face leisurely and finished climbing to my height. Her eyes were dark, like that time in the woods "I'm sorry…Lady Vause" I corrected, a little intimidated by her wild gaze...
"No…" She barely said "I like Alex…" The clear green in her eyes were nowhere to be found, but I could sense a tender gesture on her face and her words "You can call me Alex" she leaned in and kissed me with a gentle force; that kiss felt much more powerful than the many and much more elaborated previous ones. A shiver rang along my back…anything could have caused it; maybe it was the kiss itself, maybe it was the feeling of her body pressed hardly against mine, the contrast of the rough fabric of her clothes against my soft skin, or maybe I was beginning to get cold…it was not surprising, I was completely naked and her body devoid of heat was my only shelter. She noticed my shudder, and she was the one to decide that it was the cold after all. Her right hand fumbled for the sheets and brought them to me. She repositioned herself so that her body was not anymore on top of me and wrapped me devotedly with the sheets. She leaned toward me once more to kiss my eyelids and finally my forehead, to whisper with her lips against it…
"Goodnight…" and left…depriving me of the coldness of her body…
When she left, I felt as if I had awakened from a dream…her sudden departure caused a strange sensation in my chest and the desire to cry seized my soul. I sat on the bed, holding the sheets tightly against my chest. I wondered why she had left me after what had happened…I had just given myself to her, in my entirety, and she…she just said goodnight and left…My eyes rapidly filled with tears, and the warmth in my cheeks could only be out of shame…I looked around and saw my undergarments scattered all over. To my right, my nightgown lay messily on the floor; to my left, on the bed, I found the remains of my corset and at the foot of the bed, my breeches…everything was scattered, just as my honor. How had I allowed that to happen? How had I allowed her to dishonor me in that way? A little late to realize it Piper…I felt immoral, used.
My lame excuse was...I could not avoid her…when she pressed her lips against my lower lip, I did not think about the immorality of that act. I just thought How exquisite her lips feel over mine, and inadvertently, I wanted more. I had only kissed one man in my life…Larry, although I never was the one that propitiated those kisses; several times I had been taken by surprise with small stolen pecks, and only once he had tried to kiss me with greater impetus, when he wanted a goodbye kiss believing that we were all going to die; but none of his kisses had left me wanting more…Definitely, kissing her was nothing like kissing him…as soon as I stopped feeling the cold of her lips, I knew I had to feel them again. I did not know very well what I was doing, but when I fumbled forward for her lips, I did not have much to think about. It was as if my lips belonged to hers by right. Her mouth was gentle at first, but suddenly she moved to a more quickly pace. Is just a kiss Piper…just a kiss…I fooled my mind to think that a kiss meant nothing, that a kiss was not that wrong, so I let her. When she towered me and I found myself thoroughly lying on the bed, I thought that maybe it was time to stop…I took a big breath of air trying desperately to clear my mind, but when I opened my eyes, I could not think of a reason to stop. Her eyes were the one to blame for my pitiable willpower; the exact moment I saw myself lost, was when she ran her tongue over my lips…I wanted to feel her inside, so I blatantly allowed her to enter at her leisure; when she did, she made a sound that should be banned, provoking a surge of blazing fire inside me. Her tongue was long and soft like velvet…I was amazed by it. I tried to imitate her movements; my tongue was very keen to learn …Still, we are just kissing, right?…but I felt her hand maunder under the sheets, pulling my nightgown up to my ribs.
"Let me take this off of you…" I took those words as a command, my body completely willing to obey every one of her demands, and completely resolved to ignore mine…in the blink of an eye, I saw myself stripped of my gown. It seemed scandalous to me that the fabric of the corset was the only thing that separated my nakedness from her body, but not for much longer. I felt her fingers tugging at the laces that tied the corset on my front with anxiety…She's removing my corset as well...why am I letting her to do so?…Suddenly, I felt the cold air of the room in my bare chest. She stared at my breasts and my breathing could not be more rugged. I had never been so frightened in my entire life, but I coulnd't move, as if I was tied down by invisible threads. Terrible thoughts came to my mind; the words my governess taught me about about what a man did to a woman when they were in bed, about having to endure stoically whatever it came and the pain that it entailed…but she's not a man…What is a woman supposed to do to another woman? Will it hurt too? And then Sylvie's words echoed again in my mind…No, I can't go on…
"Lady Vause…" I was resolute to stop her
"What is it?" She stared deeply into my soul, her eyes full with tenderness...No, I can't…
"Is it…" I changed the direction of my words, accepting my new resolution…I did not want to stop feeling her…no matter the pain, yet I just wanted to know what to expect, so I asked anyway "Is it going to hurt?"
"No…It's not going to hurt, I promise…" Her smile intoxicated me "I could never hurt you…not even in a million years" and she kissed me adoringly proving her point. Of course she was not going to hurt me…How could I think that about her? In that instant, I ceased to be myself to become in whoever she wanted me to be; I stopped thinking and I gave in to the wonderful things she was making me feel, and suddenly I was only hers…everything happened so fast, I could hardly remember in detail what had happened thereafter, as if it were a dream and I was unable to wake up, until she left me alone dealing with the excruciating shame, all by myself
On second thought…maybe used was not a proper thing to say; she did not use me…what was worse…I let myself be used by her. She came in the middle of the night; she got into bed with me, stripped me of all my clothes and owned me deviously, and I had allowed her to do so; I had not moved a single finger to try to stop her. Yet, I could not help feeling utilized, disposable. After all, she had a clear advantage over me; evidently, that had not been her first time. She knew perfectly what was going to happen…Had she assumed that, since I had decided to stay, she could turn me into her…into her…slut?...Had I become that? I thought in horror. Maybe Sylvie had exaggerated her words to scare me, but now it was clear that there was something true in them…Was that why she had given me the horse?
I got up hastily from bed and started dressing with tears in my eyes, as if dressing could cover the loss of my good name. I collected my few belongings and wrapped them with the despoiled sheet that I pulled out from the bed…I could not stay in that room anymore. As soon as I finished, I took a candle with my free hand and walked across the castle to my old room, dragging the bundle of my things wrapped with the sheets all over the floor. I hoped fervently not to wake up anybody, and have to face unwanted questions; especially I did not want to meet her. I got to my room, and although the door did not provide any real protection, as it did not have a lock, I felt safer when I closed the door behind me…And now, what is the plan Piper? I felt so deceived…of having known that those were her real intentions, I would have considered returning home…but thinking about going home made me miserably unhappy…yes, I missed my family and my friends, but again, I would lose control of my life again, and be forced to marry Larry…Not that I have much control over my life in here…I thought bitterly. Everything seemed to go so perfectly; our friendship seemed sincere, and now, everything was ruined between us…How could I be able to see her in the face again? No, I won't!...I stubbornly thought. I would stay there in my room if needed, although I knew that sooner than later, she would come and get me…What if from now on I had to keep doing those things with her?...No, she could not force me to it…From then on all I had to do was to refuse her gifts and not to give her more reasons to think that she could use me that way anymore. I went to bed, feeling extremely tired, but I could not sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, hers appeared right in front of me, haunting me. Inevitably, fragments of what had just happened flooded my mind; that did not help me fall asleep either…
Morning arrived, and I was more awake than ever…My eyes fixed on the door, sure that she would come for me…and of course, she did…Knock knock knock…
"Piper?" Her voice froze my blood; it was as if I had not heard her in years "Piper…can I come in?" I did not answer "Piper, I know you are in there…Please, let me in" She pleaded with kindness
"I don't want you to come in!" I said, hoping to hurt her with my words
"Are you aware that a simple door can't stop me?" She said with a playful tone…
"And you always have to get what you want right? Even above the desires of the others…" I spit the words with resentment
"Alright…" I got a reply after several seconds "If that's what you want, I won't come in…but, I really need to talk to you…" she said with sadness…
"There's nothing to talk about!" I said harshly after reminding myself that I did not care about her sadness; I was the wounded one!
"On the contrary…I do believe that we have a lot to talk about…And I will not leave until you let me in" How obnoxious she could be
"Then I'll rot in here because I will never leave this room!" But when it came to stubbornness, no one could beat me…
"Fine! I'll leave then! The last thing I want is for you to rot because of me…" She said cuttingly and silence fell. After a very long moment I approached the door, with light steps not to make any noise, and bent down on my knees to look through the small gap between the bottom of the door and the floor…she was not there…I stood up and very slightly I turned the door's knob and opened the door very carefully to peered out into the hallway…
"Hunted…" Out of nowhere, she was laying a hand very casually in the door frame and a big smile plastered on her face. I startled tremendously and closed the door with exaggerated force, catching her fingers… "Arrrrghhhhh!" She growled savagely and I opened the door rapidly
"Oh my heavens!" I had hurt her…"I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry!" I cried in despair…she was bent over, and kept her hands very close to her chest… "Let me see let me see…" I reached for her injured hand with extreme care to assess the damage
"It's fine…" She did not accept the gesture and kept it more tightly against her chest. I looked into her eyes full with pain and my heart hurt
"I'm so so so sorry…really…please let me see your hand" I begged almost with tears in my eyes
"It's nothing really…" She walked in and sat on the bed with a gesture of pain
"It does not look like nothing…" I followed her and knelt in front of her to see the damage from close
"Don't worry about it…" She made a carefree gesture and wrapped her hand in a handkerchief that she pulled out of the back pocket of her pants. I looked up and our eyes locked
"I'm really sorry...there must be something I can do for you..." I said desperately. I had closed the door very hard...I imagined that the demage on her fingers was very serious
"It will pass...they are only a few fingers..." Her voice was pitifully "Besides...the only thing that could calm this pain would be that you allowed me to exchange some words with you..." What a terrible mistake it was to look into her eyes. It was as if I could not refuse anything she asked me if she looked at me like that. Yet, there remained in me some good sense…I turned my gaze away and got up, walking across the room, turning my back to her
"I told you there's nothing to talk about…" I crossed my arms across my chest, to keep my ground
"And I think me need to talk about what happened last night…" Of course she wanted to talk about that…
"That's definitely the last thing I would like to talk about…in fact, I would like to completely forget the whole thing…" Ha! As if I could forget about that…
"Why?" Her ghostly voice so close to me startled me
"Because!" I turned around and put some distance between us with my hand like a shield in front of me, gesturing her not to come any closer…I had to be extremely careful not to look into her eyes…If I did I was lost "I did not like the way you made me feel…" the silence after my statement was unbearable, but she broke it after a while
"You did not like the way I made you feel…" She repeated the words appalled "Piper…" She had never said my name so carefully… "Answer me something…and I beg you to be completely honest" She added sternly "Did I…" she seemed to be troubled asking the question "Did you…feel…somehow…forced…by me?" I could tell she had a hard time delivering the words…
"Forced?" I repeated, still not willing to see her in the eyes…
"Yes…forced, to do something you didn't want to do…" I thought carefully of her words…Forced…No, I had not been forced. In fact, it had been completely the opposite…I mean, how can you force someone who has all the defenses with the guard lowered?
"No…I did not feel forced…" I recognized
"Then…why did you say that you did not like the way I made you feel?" Bits of the night went through my mind; I had loved the things she made me feel…at least, while they lasted. What I did not like was the feeling I had when she left…when I realized that I had dishonored myself…
"Because…it was wrong…" I had to turn my back to her again, to hide my blush
"Wrong?" She let out a heavy sigh "Piper…You are frustrating me…I need you to look at me…" She forced me to turn around by my shoulders. Still, my head remained down, not to look at her… "Look at me!" She urged me
"I don't want to…" I said with determination
"You are being childish…why on earth wouldn't you look at me?" She demanded to know, I thought by her tone that she was beginning to lose her patience…
"Your eyes!" I burst out "They make me feel weird things and…they don't let me think straight…" I recognized really embarrassed. She seemed to consider my words…
"Alright…then don't look at me if you don't want to" she softened her words "But answer me…What do you mean by wrong?" Did I really have to explain to her what I meant by wrong?
"Wrong…as immoral as…sinful…" How else could I explain it to her?
"Sinful…" She repeated, and I did not need to see her face to know that she was smiling
"Yes sinful!" I retorted annoyed…what would she know about that kind of morality!
"Pipes…" Her affectionate term of endearment surprised me delightfully "That's ridiculous…there's nothing wrong with what we did…" She got closer to me but stopped as soon as she noticed my reluctance to be close to her "Could you answer another question?" She asked but gave me no time to respond, delivering her second inquiry immediately "Did you like it?" Those four words sounded loaded with slyness. I was so surprised by her brazenness to ask that, I had to look at her to see if she was serious…Grave mistake…Her lips were up in a corner, slightly outlining the most wicked of smiles and her eyes sparkled gloriously with a glow I had never seen in them before, making me lose responsiveness "Because…I would swear you did…" My hair bristled with the sound of her raspy voice. She immobilized me with her gaze, and approached me deliberately slowly, forcing me back until I hit the wall "I know I liked it…" She pinned me against the wall with both hands at my hips and leaned forward to place her icy lips lightly above my ear "You have no idea of how much…" I forgot how to breathe when her lips took a nibble of my earlobe and withdrew a little to face me "And I'm not ashamed to admit it…" Something inside me was about to burn, but her icy lips quickly mollified the feeling when they crashed against mine without warning
"Lady Vause…please…don't" I said between her insistent kisses. I pressed my hands against her chest to get her away from me very slightly, but my strength was nowhere to be found, and my mouth had a will of its own
"Lady Vause? I thought we had agreed that you could call me Alex…" She said heavily against my lips…Yes, last night when you lay over my bare chest…I thought with embarrassment, and that thought was exactly what triggered my next response
"I'm not willing to become your slut!" I dared to say with great conviction, pushing her away from me; I don't know where I got the strength to deny her lips. She was aghast, a couple of steps away from me
"My slut? What are you talking about?" She frowned deeply, pretending to be shocked by my words…It offended me enormously that she thought I was that stupid, so as not to know her real intentions…
"I don't want your gifts or your nice details…I don't want your horse or your books…no more walks, no more breakfasts together…if this is how I should return your favors…then it's over!" I felt an immeasurable misery within my soul by spitting at her all those things with hatred. I shed the tears without even noticing that they had begun to cloud my eyes. I lowered my sight, ashamed
"Is that how I made you feel?" Her voice sounded distant, like miles away. I nodded trying to muffle my sobs "Do you really think I've been nice to you just to get you into bed?" I felt her cold fingers firmly under my chin, forcing me to look up, but I held my head bowed "Please, I need to see you in the eyes" I acceded to her request and stared intently into the green of her eyes, clearer than ever "Piper...All the things I've done, I've done them only to make you happy…You have to believe me when I say that, under no circumstances I was expecting for you to pay me back in any way" I heard every word entranced "What happened last night, was not something I planned, it just…happened…and to me it was the most wonderful night of all my nights…which are not few…" she joked a little at the end…my heart swelled at her statement…Did she just tell me that it was the best night of her life?...Had it been the best night of my life? I suspected yes, but it was dangerous to recognize it, even to myself. Still, there was something still bugging in my mind
"Then why did you leave…after?" Really, what happened with my will to shut my mouth?
"Is that what you did not like?" I just nodded hopelessly, again, prey to her gaze "I'm so sorry…nothing was further from my intentions than hurting your feelings…" She cupped my cheek with her hand and wiped the remnant of a tear with her thumb "And please…under no circumstances tell me again that what we have is over…"
"But it is…" Maybe her intention was not turning me into her…slut…but that did not mean that what we did was right…and I was not able to go on as if nothing had happened between us "If I'm going to stay here…I think the best is to resume our initial status…I still have a debt I must pay so…I'm to serve you, Lady Vause" I said with severity, hoping that she understood that I was not going to fall again on such…doings "Now I'm completely recovered, so I'm ready to perform the tasks assigned to me" I waited anxiously for her response, I sensed I waited an eternity
"Alright…" She said nonchalantly…honestly I was not expecting for her to take it so well "If that's what you really want…" Her face was devoid of any kind of expression
"It is…" I confirmed
"Well…if you say you are ready to take on some tasks, I think that the most logical thing is that from now on you assume the responsibilities of the housekeeper" No…not that…
"The Housekeeper?" I asked with dread
"Yes, I really need one…You know what happened to Sylvie…" And then, she added with underestimation "Except you think is too much for you of course…" No, the responsibility that brought the work itself it was not too much for me however, dealing with her constantly and closely…That could be a lot for me…
"No…I can absolutely do it…" I agreed, pretty unconvinced
"It's settled then…consider this your free day" She adopted a behavior of command, ready to give orders "Tomorrow, I want you in my room first thing in the morning, to explain to you what your duties will be"
"Which room?" I asked slightly confused…
"My former room...where you spent the night..." As if I needed to remember it "Please, do not forget to bring my breakfast and…I would really appreciate if you would return the sheets you took from my bed" My face reddened wildly with her words, and again, I was not capable of holding her gaze. I hid my chin and closed my eyes waiting for the embarrassment to pass "Unless you want to keep them as a souvenir" I felt the chilly air left by her words very close to my ear. I opened my eyes stunned by her proximity, but she was already gone; she had vanished into the thin air.
From the night before and on, her absence seemed to weigh over my soul excruciatingly, every day, a little more…