Chapter 21 : Fly away
Sometimes she wishes she could make time stop. Or at least slow down. Slow down enough for her to catch up. For her to do everything she has ever wanted to do. For her to live through the motions. For her to have a live. But time doesn't slow down for anyone. It just keeps going and never stops. Never slows down. Before you realize it time has passed. Months have passed. You wish you could stop it or at least slow it down. You can't.
It's been months. Truth be told you wouldn't change what you have been trough for anything. You're time with your friends. Your dates with Luke. The funny times you had with your brother. But slowly you are losing focus. You are losing strength. You try to keep it hidden. You don't want to be locked up. Kept in bed so that you might live longer. You won't live longer. But for the time you have left, you want to live. You're just so tired.
It was Scott's idea really. He proposed that a holiday is exactly what the family needed. And since he was in France, and she has always wanted to see France, why not meet him there? It was a simple request really. And in another time, another place, another life, she might not have thought of it twice. But she heard the question (the one that was not said out loud) and she knew what he truly wanted. They didn't know how long they had left. And Scott wanted to see his little sister again one more time.
And now here they are. Walking around in Paris. She puts a smile on her face and grabs a hold of Luke's hand. And smiles. She doesn't know how convincing she is anymore. The strength is slowly disappearing, and if someone will see it it will be Luke. Or Robbie. That's what she always thought. Instead the person to notice it was Scott.
She hadn't seen him in months. Not since Henry's funeral. It had been such a long time. She was different. She hadn't really noticed it, her family hadn't really noticed it. It had happened so slowly. But for Scott, who hadn't seen her in so long, the change was big. She was much thinner then she used to be. She was pale and she looked like she could faint at any moment. Her eyes had lost their live. And as he looked to her he could almost see her giving up. The only time he sees the light fully return is when she looks at Luke.
Scott sees her for the first time in moths when she gets off the plain. He is immediately taken aback from how she looks. So thin (she must have lost at least half her weight) and so pale. He just wants to rush to her, gather her in his arms and never let her go again. Never let her out of his sight again. He's afraid if he will she will break. Fall to the ground, shatter and disappear. But he doesn't. He's to afraid that if he does that he will break her. He looks at her and he knows. Even if they make plans for him to come and visit them, even if they make plans for her to return. It won't matter. This holiday right here, will be the last time he sees his little sister. He doesn't tell his mom nor his brother. He doesn't tell Matilda either. He just can't do it.
Matilda looks at the people below her. They almost seem like ants from way up here. She has always wanted to see the Eiffel tower. Stand as high as she possibly could. And look down below at the world. Stand on top of the world. But now as she stands here she feels disconnected. It's almost as if she's looking at her future. She stands up high and looks down below. And somehow she feels no connection to the people there. As if they live in different worlds. As if she doesn't really belong here. She just passing trough. And in a way she is.
She looks at the bird that has landed close to her. It looks so small, so insignificant. But it isn't. The bird has one thing she does not have. The one thing she longs for the most. Freedom. Sure the bird lands here and rest but eventually it will fly away. It will go wherever it wants to go. It is free to do what it wants. She wishes she had that. The freedom to do whatever she wanted. But she doesn't.
Her eyes wander to the sky. And she wishes she could fly. Fly away from her pain. Fly away from everything that has happened in her life. Fly as free as a bird. Fly up as high as she possibly can and look down at the earth. Fly and feel nothing. No pain, no longing, no regret. No fear of what is to come. She just wants to escape it all. And flying seems to be the only way. She wishes she could do it. Fly up high in the sky and feel nothing. Fly away from it all. Be free just like a bird. Fly away and never return to this empty life.
In a way she realizes that one day she will. One day – a day that will come far to soon - she will fly away. She will spread her wings and fly away. Up in the sky as highs as she can. And she will look down upon earth. At the people she has left behind. And she wonders if there she will find the peace she so longs for. If there she will find happiness. If she will feel no more pain. No more fear. No more anger. If she will finally be able to rest there.
Matilda Hunter wishes she could fly. Fly high in the sky just like a bird. Free of any burden. Free to do whatever she wants. But as she watches the bird sitting close to her a realization suddenly strikes her. Birds are not as free as they may appear. Sure they fly away when they want, go where they want. But they always return to earth. They always come back. And she wonders if, when she finally flies away, she will return as well. She wonders if Henry is close to her.
She feels two strong arms around her. And instantly she knows it is Luke. She knows when he is close to her. She feels comfortable in his arms. Safe. Protected. When he holds her, when he kisses her. When he is with her. It's almost as if the pain disappear. For a while she can forget how tired she is. For a while she doesn't have to fight. For a while, thanks to him, she is strong. She can hang on a little longer. She wonders if this is what love is. She wonders if she had a chance to live, they would love each other forever. Or will they're love only last forever because it didn't last? Could she really ask this of him? To suffer forever for a love that might not have lasted the years? But it was to late now. There was no turning back. She has made her choice, and she is to selfish to give him up now. In a way she feels that she disserves to be selfish. She deserves this piece of life. She deserves to be loved. Even if in the end it will end up destroying him, it is not like she asked for this. It is not like she wanted this. Does this make her a bad person? Or does it just make her human?
She looks at the bird and for a second it looks at her. Then it flies away. She stares after it as it rises up in the sky and disappears through the clouds. And she wishes she could follow it. Just jump up and fly away. Fly away from her pain. Fly away from it all. But she can't. It's not her time to fly. Not just yet. She still has life left in her. She still has a little bit of time. She doesn't know how long she has left. Nor does she think it will last much longer. Still it's not her time. So she stares at the point where the bird disappeared and sighs. It's not her time to fly. But oh how she wishes she could.
When they leave two weeks later it's almost as if it's already over. Scott hugs everybody and forces a smile as he reaches her. He holds her a little longer than he usually would have. And kisses her on the top of her head. The last time he did that was when she was a younger child. They lock eyes and in that instant they both know. This is the last time they will see each other. It doesn't matter how many plans they make. It doesn't matter how hard they try. She is running out of time. Out of strength. And he has seen it. She won't make it until Christmas. Tears appear in her eyes but he wipes them away instantly.
Scott doesn't know what he's going to do. How he is going to say goodbye. He has spend as much time with her over these two weeks as he possibly can. But he knew it wouldn't last forever. The time would eventually run out. It's the thing he hates the most. Time it doesn't slow down long enough for them to catch up. It just keeps running on, almost mocking them. He takes a deep breath and tries he really tries. But as they reach their end, as the time comes to say goodbye, he finds it's harder then he thought it would be. He holds her longer then he ever thought he could. And gives her a soft kiss on the top of her head. Their eyes lock and he knows, she knows. This is it. Their final goodbye. He sees it in her eyes. Their time is running out. Her eyes fill with tears but he wipes them away. She should not cry. He doesn't want her upset. He wants her happy. For the time she has left. So he fights his own tears and smiles weakly at her. She almost smiles back.
He watches as his family makes their way through the crowd. She knows that as soon as they pass custom they will be gone from his view. She turns around one last time and their eyes lock again. He smiles faintly. She smiles back. She puts her hand up and waves as he blows a kiss at her. Then she turns around and slowly walks away. And he knows. As the tears roll down his cheeks, he simply knows. It's the last time he will ever see his little sister alive.
Matilda looks out the window at the land below. They're climbing higher and higher. The tears she didn't shed before, escape from her eyes. And as she watches the land below her become smaller, her thoughts go back to the free bird. And again she wishes she could simply fly away.
But it's not her time. Not yet.