You know I want you,

it's not a secret I try to hide

But I can't have you.

We're bound to break and my hands are tied

The Greatest Showman, "Rewrite the Stars"

Glinda woke up an hour earlier than she needed to and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, until her eyes misted over and she was forced to get up before she talked herself out of this. She had told Elphaba she would be there, she wanted to be there, and so she was going. She pushed herself to her feet and went to her dresser to pull out her warmest pair of socks.

The state cross country meet was at the outskirts of the Emerald City—a pretty far drive, but her parents wouldn't notice the gas money it took. If they asked, she could just say she spent the day with friends.

Glinda paused. Why did that feel like a lie?

She stopped and got coffee on her way out of Shiz, then turned up her radio so she wouldn't have to think. The sun was still slowly rising. For the first forty or so minutes, everything seemed numb. Her face felt heavy. Then a song came on that she hadn't heard in a while, and then a few minutes later she found herself singing. She finished her coffee and checked the directions on her phone. It was going to be alright. Really, it was.

The sky was an even grey when she arrived at the meet. The parking lots were overflowing with cars and buses, and a whole row of check-in tables had been set up. Glinda didn't look at the crowd beyond them for too long. She focused on each individual step: parking, getting out of the car, paying entry, and then whatever comes next.

But she had been right earlier. She didn't have to worry. Before she had even passed the line of tables, Fiyero was calling her name and waving her over. Glinda felt herself smile.

"You look cozy," he said as she walked up.

Glinda tugged her hat down further over her ears. "I am, thank you."

"Only Glinda could still have perfect hair, even beneath a hat," Crope said.

"I think you look beautiful, Crope." They exchanged grins. Boq and Tibbett came up then, holding little foam cups of hot chocolate.

"Oz, I feel bad for Elphie," Boq said, passing Fiyero a cup. "Hi, Glinda. I didn't know you were here—I can—"

She waved her hand. "Don't worry about it. Where is she?" The question left her without thought. She saw Boq tense, but she tried to shrug it off. "I mean, they keep warm before running, right? It'd suck if she had to be out here freezing like the rest of us."

"A lot of teams have space heaters in their areas." Crope, coming to her rescue.

"Oz. I'm jealous." And Tibbett. Bless him.

"The price is running, though," said Boq. "Is that really what you want?"

And the tension was broken. Glinda resolved to shut up until the race. Of course she didn't want to see Elphaba. Not yet. Besides, Elphaba never wanted to see anyone before she ran, right? It was just a slip of the tongue. Everything would be fine.

They stayed talking and huddling together until the crowd around them started to shift. Boq led them to a spot on the track away from the starting line, "So she doesn't see us at the beginning."

Glinda looked sideways and saw Tibbett put his arm around Crope. She shivered and longed for Elphaba.

But this was enough. They gathered at a bend not too far into the track. Most people were at the starting line, so they could get as close as they pleased without having to worry about anyone else.

"Five bucks says she gets first," Crope said.

"No way anyone's taking that," said Tibbett.

Then the starting gun went off.

Glinda twisted to look at the huge crowd that was now screaming behind them. She couldn't even see any of the runners, there were so many people. Her breath left her in faint, foggy bursts.

"See her?" Fiyero asked. Glinda shook her head.

"Still too many people."

But not for long. Already the crowd of spectators was dispersing, running to favorite spots along the track. Glinda could see the four-wheeler that led the runners. A moment later, she saw the first few girls.

The wind picked up, and Glinda stepped closer to the boys on instinct. Crope shivered dramatically.

"Damn, Tibbs. I knew we should've painted our chests."

"I've got the stuff in the car."

"Do you really?" Boq asked.

"Why? You want in?"

"Not even if you paid me."

Fiyero stood up on his toes. "Here they come!"

The four-wheeler came around the bend and passed them. Glinda peered around Fiyero to see, and sure enough there was Elphaba—not first, but not far behind. For a moment, just like the week before, all Glinda could do was stare.

Elphaba had a long-sleeved shirt beneath her jersey, but she was in shorts and her hair was pulled back and up off her neck. She should have been freezing. Instead, she looked unstoppable. One glance, and Glinda could see how strong she was, how fast, how well-tuned and stubborn and free.

Elphaba came around the bend. Crope and Tibbett were screaming, making absolute fools of themselves. Fiyero and Boq were cheering, too—Boq's even made a little sense. Glinda was clapping hard, but she said nothing. She couldn't. Her throat was too tight with fear and regret and pride for anything to get out.

But, suddenly, it didn't matter. Elphaba saw her—she knew Elphaba saw her—and in an instant, everything changed. Elphaba's entire body lit up. She straightened, her stride lengthened. A new burst of energy took over, and Glinda could see the tiniest hint of a smile as she ran on. The girl beside her seemed to catch some of Elphaba's new strength, and the two of them picked up the pace just enough to pass the group they had been tailing.

Now Glinda cheered. She didn't know what she was saying, but she was shouting it at the top of her lungs. Elphaba passed them. Glinda watched her go, thinking about how beautiful and powerful and brilliant she was—

—and how much Glinda was holding her back.

Hurting her.

Hurting both of them.

Her cheer caught in her throat and she stopped, coughing hard and gasping for breath. Someone's hand went to her back, steadying her. Glinda doubled over and stayed there for a long moment, arms crossed across her stomach, even after she could breathe again.

"You okay?" Fiyero asked once she had straightened. His hand fell from her back. Glinda felt drained. And cold—way colder than before.

"Yeah," she said. She coughed again, clearing her throat. "Sorry. Let's go find another spot."

Glinda tried not to think about it. Really, there wasn't any other option. She followed the boys around the course, she clapped and cheered when Elphaba passed, and she laughed along at their jokes and commentaries. As they stood at the finish line, watching Elphaba come around the final curve first, an entire stride ahead of the two girls behind her, Glinda even forgot about it for a moment. She went crazy with the boys, everyone's cheers deafening. She and Boq grabbed each other, jumping up and down as Elphaba pounded across the finish line.

But then other runners were coming around the bend, and Elphaba was breathing impossibly hard, talking to the girl who had been running with her, and Glinda suddenly had no clue what to do.

"This is insane," Fiyero shouted. "We'll never be able to reach her in this crowd."

"Don't worry about it. We're not going to see her first, anyway," Boq told him. He pointed through the crowd. "See that woman with the girl our age? That's Elphie's family."

Glinda looked where he was pointing. She had never met any of Elphaba's family, but Nanny and Nessa were unmistakable. Nanny was short, wrinkled, and bundled up so heavily Glinda wasn't sure how she was moving her arms. Beside her, Nessa had no arms to move.

Glinda winced, scolding own tactless thoughts, and studied Nessa more closely. She was pretty—in a delicate, old money sort of way. Her hair was as straight as Elphaba's, though several shades lighter. She may have been a freshman, but she looked Glinda's age, maybe older. It was probably the stern look on her face.

While Glinda was staring, Nanny turned toward them. Her expression was much kinder, and it lit up when she saw them. She waved, then put a hand on Nessa's back and pointed toward them.

Boq went over to meet them, and, on instinct, the boys and Glinda followed.

"Young Mr. Boq," Nanny cried. She raised one arm, and Boq stepped into it for a hug. "It's good to see you again, though it could've been somewhere warmer."

"Hi, Nanny. You're not wrong." Boq stepped back. "Hi, Nessa. How's the academy?"

"Wonderful. I love it up there."

"Nessie here is at the top of the class," said Nanny, stroking Nessa's hair fondly. "All her teachers love her. Classmates, too."

"You're embarrassing me, Nanny," Nessa said, but Glinda thought she sounded smug. Nessa looked at her then. "I don't believe we've been introduced."

"Glinda Upland." Glinda almost offered her hand to shake, but she caught herself in time. Nessa raised an eyebrow—she looked so much like Elphaba suddenly, Glinda ached—and looked Glinda up and down. Clearly, she was not impressed.

She turned to Fiyero. "And you are?"

"Fiyero Tigelaar." He bowed just slightly, too comfortable to be mocking. "I'm an exchange student from the Vinkus, new to Shiz this year. You must be Nessarose Thropp. It's a pleasure."

"Fiyero." Nessa tilted her head toward him. "Elphaba's mentioned you."

"I'm flattered." He smiled charmingly at her. Glinda realized he was putting on a show—one he had done many times before. She recognized the motions. "Boq mentioned the academy—Emerald Academy? In the city?"

"Yes."

"Ah. You were almost my sister school."

"Oh? What made you choose Shiz instead?"

Glinda watched them go on. Why hadn't she brought up the academy? She had almost gone there. Maybe Nessa wouldn't have looked at her so coldly if she'd done what Fiyero did.

But then, Glinda knew that wasn't true. The look Nessa gave her—it wasn't just a bad first impression. Nessa knew—she knew. And that was far clearer, and far more terrifying, than anyone else so far.

"Look," Nanny said after a couple minutes. "Looks like Fabala's making her way toward the canopy. Let's go catch her."

Nessa nodded. She didn't look at Glinda again, just nodded to Fiyero and Boq. "It was nice meeting you. Boq, nice seeing you again."

"See ya, Nessa."

Glinda turned to Boq after they were out of earshot. "Fabala?"

"Elphie's childhood nickname." Boq looked at her. "I wouldn't recommend calling her that."

"I would never." It didn't feel right, anyway. She gazed after Nanny and Nessa. "Well. At least she likes you two," she said to Boq and Fiyero.

Crope put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, babe. She doesn't like Tibbs or me either."

"You've met her before?" asked Glinda. "I couldn't tell."

"Exactly."

"So what do we do?" asked Tibbett. "Rescue Elphaba from evil sister's clutches?"

"Nessa's not evil," Boq chided. "Just give them a few minutes."

Glinda shivered. "I'm going to get hot chocolate," she said, and left them, slipping through the crowd.

The tables selling water and hot chocolate were pretty empty—most people were still gathered around the finish line. Glinda bought her cup and turned to find the boys again, but she was nearly knocked over by someone running past.

"You were amazing, babe!"

Glinda blinked, steadying herself. Beside her, the girl who had almost plowed her over was hugging someone else. And Glinda recognized them.

"Sorry, I—" Milla stopped short, recognizing Glinda, too. "Glinda. What are you doing here?"

"Supporting Elphaba," said the girl beside her—the same girl who had run beside Elphaba for most of the race. She smiled at Glinda. "Hi. I'm Nami."

"Glinda."

"I know."

Glinda tried to think of something to say. Milla and Nami were standing side by side, Milla's arm around Nami's waist, a little too pressed together for casual intimacy.

"Um." Glinda adjusted her fingers around her foam cup. "Great race, Nami. You were awesome."

"Thank you."

"You're really here for Elphaba?" Milla was studying her—curious, a little amused. Unlike the first time she'd been given that look, weeks ago at that party, Glinda understood.

She had no answer. Not a safe one, at least. So she just shrugged. "I'm gonna go catch up with the others. See you guys later."

She found the boys again, but they got so distracted with the crowd and other friends that by the time they got to the team's canopy, Elphaba and the other girls were gone, lining up behind the stage for the award ceremony. They rushed back to the main area just in time for the top runners to be called up.

"Just in time for her to put the medal on her shiny new letter jacket," said Crope, nudging Glinda and grinning. She smiled back.

In all honesty, the ceremony was anticlimactic, but it didn't matter. Elphaba actually smiled when she was handed her medal, though it faded before anyone could snap pictures. Still, she was happy. Glinda was proud. For a moment, that's all that mattered.

When the chaos died down and the crowd started changing out and heading toward the starting line for the next race, Glinda stood on her toes, trying to catch sight of Elphaba again. She found her standing near the corner of the stage, a hand on Nessa's back.

There was enough of a crowd between them still that Glinda just watched. Elphaba's mouth was tight, and she kept rolling her eyes and looking away from Nessa. She even shifted her feet once, as if uncomfortable. Then Nanny came over and replaced Elphaba's hand on Nessa's back. Elphaba hugged Nessa—that shocked Glinda—and then Nanny and Nessa were leaving, and Elphaba was slumping against the stage, watching them go.

Crope and Tibbett ran over first, throwing their arms around Elphaba. Glinda trailed behind Boq and Fiyero as they went over. Elphaba shrugged Crope and Tibbett off, but Glinda could see her smile.

"Pretty impressive, Elphie." Fiyero nudged her. "How are you going to live up to it next year?"

"Oh, shut up."

Boq went to stand next to her, also leaning against the stage. "Nessa seems well."

"Shit. You talked to her?"

"She and Nanny came over to say hi."

Elphaba looked them all over. Her eyes lingered on Glinda for a beat, then flickered away. "How did that go?"

"As charming as ever, that one," Crope said happily. "And speaking of charming, I think Fiyero wooed her."

"Nessarose is not woo-able," Elphaba said flatly. "It's just not possible."

"Well, she approves of him," said Crope.

"I was just being polite." Fiyero rubbed the back of his neck. "Make a good impression, you know?"

"You were very charming," Tibbett said, batting his eyes.

Sometime during this, Elphaba's eyes had found Glinda again and stayed there. Boq cleared his throat and pushed himself forward.

"I thought I saw Milla earlier," he told them. "I'm gonna go say hi."

He left, and the rest of the boys followed without another word. Once again, Glinda couldn't think of anything to say. She broke eye contact, staring down at her feet, and moved to stand where Boq had been a moment before.

"Good race," she finally said. "You were incredible."

"You met my sister."

Glinda shrugged. "For a minute." When Elphaba didn't say anything else, Glinda risked a glance up at her. "…she knows, right?"

Elphaba sighed. "She knows who you are, yes. But no details."

"She doesn't like me."

"Don't feel bad. She doesn't like me most of the time, either."

"You did look uncomfortable."

Elphaba turned her head toward Glinda. They both looked away.

"I…" Elphaba cleared her throat. "I didn't think you'd be here."

Glinda looked down, then up again when she saw Elphaba's hand move. She had pressed her palms to her eyes.

"Fuck. I'm sorry. That's not what I—I mean, I was awful to you yesterday. If you hadn't shown up, I would've understood."

Glinda watched her for a moment. "I wanted to be here," she said quietly.

"I—" Elphaba took a breath, looked her in the eye. "I'm glad you came. I am."

Glinda saw, again, Elphaba running. Powerful. Beautiful. Everything. It scared her. It made her ache.

"Me too," she whispered. Elphaba studied her, as if she knew that wasn't the entire truth.

"I'm so sorry," said Elphaba. "I was horrible. The things I said—"

"It's okay."

"I didn't mean it."

Glinda almost laughed. What a reversal. But then Elphaba kept talking.

"I wanted…I wanted you to reassure me. Yesterday." Elphaba stared at the ground. She pushed her shoe over the dead grass, and Glinda suddenly wondered how she wasn't freezing. "I wanted you to tell me that I was different, and that you'd never…"

Glinda swallowed. "I wanted that, too."

"I know. But you couldn't."

"Elphaba—"

"It's okay. I don't—I'm not—I can't blame you for that, right?" She took a breath. "You're trying, and I know that, I understand. But I just, it made me question all of these things I'd been ignoring, and…"

Glinda looked away, blinking hard. This was too much. It sounded like realization, like regret.

"Please don't cry." Elphaba was facing her now, even reaching for her. Glinda shook her head and wiped frantically at her eyes. "Really. You're already freezing."

"I'm freezing? What about you?" And that was it, wasn't it? What about Elphaba? She could care for Glinda all she wanted, but the fact remained that—

Elphaba's arms were around her then, and she was so strong and warm and solid that Glinda could only sink into her.

"I'm sorry," Elphaba breathed into her hair. "It's going to be okay. I'm sorry."

Glinda held on to her, thinking that, for all Elphaba's apologies, wasn't she the one who pushed her to that point?

But still, even with that horrible thought, she was unable to let go.

Glinda drove home alone and spent the rest of the day in her bed, curled up beneath the blankets. She wasn't looking at her phone. She didn't want to do anything.

She wanted Elphie. She'd wanted to drive back with her, but only a guardian was allowed to take Elphaba from the meet. She supposed she could've texted her and met up afterward, but by the time she had driven all the way home, Glinda's thoughts had settled in and weren't leaving her alone.

She shouldn't want Elphaba so much. Confusion and hurt and anger—those were not things that should make her want to run to Elphaba. Yet they did. And she did.

And she shouldn't.

Groaning, Glinda pushed herself up from the mattress and snatched her phone from the night stand. She needed a distraction. She needed—

1 new message from Shenshen

Glinda! Pfannee's about to lose her shit. You're coming tonight, right?

That was absolutely not what she needed. She opened the message and typed out a reply.

Yeah! See you there!

Exactly one week ago, Glinda had been sitting in the bed of Elphaba's truck, pointing out constellations, hoping beyond hope that she was going to give in first and kiss her. It seemed inevitable from the moment they left the party together, but especially once Elphaba had parked and they had climbed into the back.

Tonight was just as cold and just as dark, and that was where the similarities ended. Glinda arrived at Avaric's house and stepped out of her car—there was no way she was drinking here, she'd be able to drive home. It was already swarming with people, most of them probably already drunk. A girl on the front porch saw Glinda and fell into her in an attempted hug, then let go and wandered back inside, her cup tipping dangerously in her hand. Nobody else paid her any attention.

She was restless, flitting back and forth between groups, leaving and re-entering and leaving again before anyone could really draw her into a conversation. For a while she sat with Shenshen, who clumsily braided part of Glinda's hair and babbled on about something that had happened the night before. Then she was leaning against a counter in the kitchen and listening to Pfannee size up a few of the football players. Then she was on the couch next to one of the defense guys and Avie, the latter looking even less comfortable than she felt.

But she didn't see Avaric, not until the air inside had gotten too hot, too loud, too thick, and she found herself slipping through the crowd to reach the back porch.

It was freezing outside, but this place was familiar, quiet, and dark. Glinda went to the railing and leaned against it, counting her breath in, holding it, then releasing. Her hand went up to her hair and her fingers slid through it, undoing the braid Shenshen had put in behind her ear.

The door opened again behind her. For a moment, the music was back. There was a rush of heat from inside, then it was gone, the latch clicking back in place.

"I thought you might come out here."

Glinda closed her eyes. "And why is that?"

"You're not going to tell me to get lost?" Avaric stepped up to the rail and leaned against it, leaving a few feet of space between them. "Guess I'm making progress."

"Get lost, Avaric."

He chuckled. "So are you enjoying the party?"

"Yes. I'm standing in the freezing cold because it's all so much fun."

"You've gotten hostile." But he didn't sound angry. He slid closer, and she opened her eyes to look at him. "You know, if you're not having fun, we can—"

"Don't even start."

"At least let me get you a drink."

"I drove here."

Avaric frowned. "Why would you do that?"

"So I could leave." She gripped the rail. "Which is starting to sound tempting."

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to upset you."

Glinda narrowed her eyes. "Why are you out here?"

"It's my house, remember?"

All too well, Glinda thought. She continued to scowl at him. He shrugged.

"Fine. I just…well, we used to be friends, right?"

"We used to date. There's a difference."

Avaric stepped closer. Glinda shifted back so she was leaning against one of the posts.

"Well, either way, I miss you."

"No, you don't."

Avaric tilted his head. "Geez. Maybe Pfannee was right about you."

"Oooh, great tactic," Glinda said. "That'll definitely help you get in my pants"

"I'm not trying to get in your pants, Glinda." Avaric rolled his eyes. "I'm just saying. You've gotten so superior."

Glinda almost laughed. "You're one to talk."

"It's different." But he did smile a little. "I mean, okay. You and I? We are superior. But in a different way. You know what I mean."

"We're rich and popular, so we're automatically better?" Glinda asked, bitter. "Yeah, I know what you mean. And it's stupid."

"You believe it, though." Avaric tilted his head to watch her. "Or, you used to."

She sighed. "What do you want?"

"You looked lonely."

Glinda didn't say anything. She couldn't. She just looked across the yard again, trying to ignore him. Avaric took a step closer.

"I'm right, aren't I?"

"Even if you were, why would you care?"

"I care about you." His voice was soft now. Glinda's knuckles turned white around the rail. "I do. Still."

"No. You don't."

"How do you know?" Another step. They weren't touching, but they were getting close. Glinda thought about stepping away, but she was too tired.

And she was lonely.

Exactly one week ago, Elphaba was holding her, strong and warm and gentle. Glinda shivered, and Avaric closed the space between them, putting an arm around her. He was warm, too.

But it wasn't the same. Not even close. Because last week, she didn't have to think. She didn't have to pretend. She didn't have to manipulate Elphaba's body or move her hands or kiss her a certain way in order for it to be enjoyable. They just were, together, and it was beautiful without Glinda even trying.

"Hey," Avaric whispered.

Glinda sniffed. She wasn't going to cry in front of him. If she felt scared, or guilty, or lost—it didn't matter. She wouldn't cry.

"Hey, it's okay."

The words were empty, meaningless. Glinda knew that. But she also looked up at him, and this was the Avaric she'd had a crush on. Stupid, awful decision that it was, she'd still liked him at one point, hadn't she?

He leaned in, and she didn't stop him. She didn't move, not even when he pressed his lips to hers. He tried for a moment, tilting his face and putting his hand on the back of her head in order to get a response from her. When that didn't work, he pulled back to look at her.

Glinda didn't say anything. She hardly looked at him. She just turned and walked away, going back through the door, through the loud, crowded house, and out the front to her car. Avaric didn't come after her.

When she got home, she went straight to her bed, buried herself beneath the blanket, and cried until she fell asleep.