5x07 – Requiem – The one where Gibbs protects Kelly's childhood friend and doesn't tell his team the lengths he's going to to do it. Better know as: the one where Tony jumps into the harbor to pull Gibbs and the girl from a sunken car.
21. Are You Afraid to Sleep?
Gibbs felt guilty about not feeling guilty for the thing he should actually feel guilty about. Which was a hell of a convoluted emotional structure for him.
Gibbs had guilt for leaving his team out of his plan. Felt bad that because he'd been closed off, yet again, Tony had to pull him out of a sunken car, Ziva's trust issues were back out in full force, and Tim looked too terrified to talk to him. Gibbs had hurt them all so he could keep them out of his past, and that's the guilt that kept him up this night.
But that wasn't supposed to be the guilt he felt. He'd felt Shannon and Kelly with him when he was drowning. Felt them telling him it wasn't time yet, he wasn't supposed to die like this. He should've been feeling the guilt for not slipping into the dark to be with them again. Or at least a resurgence of pain at letting them be murdered. But he didn't.
The guilt was for hurting his team. Tony would be sucking wind for days while his lungs threw a tantrum, Ziva wouldn't let him out of the office alone until she was sure rogue operations had been burnt out of his system (meaning she would be staking out his house too), and Tim would be extra jumpy every time he raised his voice and wouldn't express an opinion for the next month.
His team was where his concern was now. Dreams of Shannon and Kelly didn't torment him at night, they brought peace. Torment came in the thought that Tony might have swallowed some of that water, putting him back in the hospital. Or that one of these times he'd push Ziva's trust to a place where he'd never get it back. Or that after all those years of making a man out of McGee he'd lost his temper and just snapped the boy in two.
It was all the wrong guilt. Pain over what he'd done to the new family instead of the old.
Gibbs though about for a moment, realized that Shannon would've kicked his ass for thinking that way. He was sure that wherever his girls were, they didn't see a disconnect between the two phases of Gibbs's life. Shannon would be just as mad at Jethro for leaving the team out of his plans as he was at himself.
Shannon would've had this whole mess fixed in three hours. She would've insisted that Tony sleep in their guest room so she could fret over his breathing from close range. Tony would've refused the help from Gibbs, but after all the years Tony would've spent with Gibbs's family if Shannon was still around, Tony wouldn't have been able to tell Shannon no when she asked. Tony wouldn't feel betrayed because Shannon would be a reminder that Gibbs trusted him completely. He had to, or Tony wouldn't be sleeping in his house, teasing his wife, and corrupting his daughter.
But to have Tony in the spare room meant Gibbs would need to track down a tv to keep Tony entertained. Jethro would still have the broken down tv in his basement, but his girls never were much for movies or tv. Shannon would have to call up Tim to bring over Tony's tv and hook it up, which would give her the chance to build Tim up and show him just how not scary Jethro really was. Tim would be invited to stay for dinner, which would be horrifically uncomfortable for the first few minutes, then Kelly would talk to her daddy about her day. One open laugh at Kelly's stories, and Tim would see the father Gibbs really was, and wouldn't be afraid of him anymore.
Ziva would come for the dinner too, because leaving out one team member was something Shannon would never do. She would chat with Ziva about all those simple things that made up life outside the office, and Ziva would feel like she was nothing but normal. Not a Mossad assassin who Shannon was supposed to be nervous around. She would talk to Ziva just like she did with Kelly, and Ziva would walk away that night feeling like she had a mother again. Ziva would know she had Gibbs's trust because his wife loved her like a daughter. Gibbs wouldn't let Ziva anywhere near those women if he didn't trust her. He'd made a mistake on the job, but he still trusted her with the most important things.
Shannon would make all of it better, and Gibbs would let her. The thought of Shannon treating his team like her children, or of Kelly going with Ziva apartment hunting, or running away to Tony's apartment when she got mad, or turning up in line at Tim's book signings, all sounded perfect. Like the two halves of his life would fit together with barely a wrinkle between them.
His girls were safe somewhere, and waiting for him, but they wouldn't let Jethro destroy the rest of their family to get there with him. His girls loved the team. Jethro didn't know how he knew it, but he did. Sure as he knew anything.
And the dream of them as one big, happy family didn't cause him nearly as much guilt as it should have.