Here we are again. Second last chapter guys. This has been a lot longer than I expected. Got two ideas I'm working on, both AUs - I do like those. And a couple of others that are just musings at the moment. Anyway, reviews then back to it.

Momo42 - chapter 20: Yeah, I know, I feel like Dean has kind of given up before it's started which is on purpose btw, because Dean in the show is the exact opposite I wanted to show how much Dean's been effected but he gets a kick, stay tuned.

Destiel Lover666 - chapter 20: Oh now I feel bad, I'm not actually a Destiel shipper, even though all of my spn stories are Destiel. I don't hate them either though, I just tend to go with what the show does. But as a writer there is so much material for these two! Thank you so much for your review! One more chapter after this. Oh, happy or sad... I'm on the fence.

Back to it!

Two weeks later

Cas was in the sitting room one afternoon plonked in front of the TV again when the kitten raced passed the door and Cas looked to see Lucifer almost fall and grab the door frame looking down. "Abby, honestly!" He looked along the hall at her. "I'm going to break my neck one of these days." Cas smiled and Lucifer looked at him. He had his coat on and his keys in his hand. "Hey, I'm just heading out to the store. Need anything? Want to come?"

Cas shook his head. "Nope."

"Cassie," Lucifer walked into the room towards him, "you've got to stop this."

Cas sighed and looked to the coffee table as Lucifer sat on the part of the corner sofa facing sideways to him. "Luke-"

"Cas, come on. You've been mopping around here for two weeks." He clasped his keys in his hands. "What is it that's bothering you?"

"Are you kidding?" Cas raised his eyebrows. "Dean's alive and he was alive this whole time!" He gestured with his hand.

Lucifer put his out. "Okay, I get that." Cas lowered his and exhaled. "I do and I can't even imagine how that must have felt," he put his hand to his chest, "it hurts just to look at you." He sighed and lowered it back to clasp his keys. "But I do know that it's not the only thing bothering you." He titled his head. "Tell me." Cas paused. "Cas, we have spent long enough not talking." Cas sighed. "Please?"

Cas shuffled in his seat. "Luke, he just-" He thought back to the way Dean had spoken on the pier. "He's broken." Cas felt his eyes heat up. "He sat there and he told me, he told me the reasons for it all, he said he couldn't face going back. The fact that we were all hurting wasn't even enough to pull him back, it all ate away at him so much, being out there and doing the things he did, that he saw an out and he took it." Cas rubbed his face. "It wasn't like he sought out a way out, it fell into his lap but he did nothing to walk away from it." Cas saw the way he had screamed when Cas touched his shoulder.

Lucifer leaned forward. "Cas, I hate to tell you this but when it comes to running away from things you are hardly an angel." Cas' brow dipped and he exhaled. "Hell, it's a Novak family trait. I ran away, Anna ran away, you ran away." Cas sighed. "I ran here and then I stayed. Anna ran to New York and she stayed there. You ran a bit longer but you ended up in Kansas and you stayed. Even Balthazar ran t-" Lucifer stopped when Cas glared at him. "Cas, whatever we think of him now, just by lying to us all he was running away everyday, running away in the deepest parts of his mind." Lucifer leaned back. "You may not like it Cas but we all run away sometimes, yes what he did was horrible and I'm not defending that but..." He pursed his lips together nervously. "He came back. He came back and he owned up to what he did. And what did you do?"

"What did you expect me-" Cas started, his voice raised.

"Cas!" Cas shut up and lowered himself again. "You can shout at me all you like but you're only so defensive because you know I'm right, he ran away and then he stopped running. He decided that no matter what, you deserved the truth. He stopped running for you, when will you stop?"

Cas looked to the TV again as Lucifer smiled weakly and stood up. Cas heard the house door close and then he heard the familiar patting of paws on hardwood floors. Abby walked into the room and paused, mid-stride, to look at Cas then she glanced back out the doorway before jumping up onto the couch. She walked over and put her front paws on Cas' right leg before extending her face to his.

"Maybe he's right." Cas smiled as she leaned up to rub her face on his. He automatically lowered his face so she could reach. His right hand came up to stroke down her back and she lifted her spine. "I was just so..." He looked to the side. "I don't even know." He sighed and lowered his head to touch hers. "He's alive." He smiled. "Like I said to you last night, he was standing right there and I just walked away." Cas widened his eyes and pulled back to look at her. "And he knew I would!" She lowered her head and rubbed it on his leg. "He knew I would run and he let me." He sighed again. "Because he knows what it feels like to need to run away."

.

"I don't know why you're here," Dean mumbled nervously looking around the waiting area, "I don't need a lawyer." Dean rubbed his legs over his dress pants. "You're not even read up on military laws you couldn't-"

"Dean," Sam leaned back in his seat next to Dean, also in a suit, "I'm not here as your lawyer, I'm here as your brother."

Dean nodded. "Good." He took a couple of breaths. "Good."

"Do you need me to go in with you?" Sam looked as shadows moved towards the obscured glass panel in the door. The door had the words 'Commanding Sergeant Major' printed on it and underneath, in smaller letters it said, 'Zachariah Fuller'.

Dean shook his head. "No, I'm okay." He turned. "Besides, you're not allowed to, only lawyers are." Sam let out a little laugh and looked away.

The door opened, Dean stood up automatically and looked ahead at attention, Sam looked up and to the door where Sergeant Turner stood unsure if he was to do the same. "Winchester." Turner gestured his head inside.

Dean turned on the spot, paused and then walked in. Sam watched the way he did it and sighed to himself. He took out his phone and tapped away a text to send out to everyone.

He's just gone in - Sam

He put the phone to his lips and looked to the door.

"Winchester, Sir." SGT Turner said after closing the door. Dean stood beside him looking forward waiting to be told where to sit.

The room had a desk facing the door and three seats in front of it. Turner stood beside Dean, MSG Mills sat in the chair to the left facing the man behind the desk. The man looked up to Dean, he was smiling slightly and yet it still made Dean uneasy. The man was clearly in his late fifties, early sixties and was losing the tufts of white hair that he had left on his head.

He stood up from his seat and Mills did too. "Well, the famous Dean Winchester." He smiled. "Back from the dead." He raised his eyebrows and gestured to the seats in front of him.

Turner put out his hand, gesturing to the empty seats, and Dean cautiously stepped forward, Turner rounded him, leaving Dean walking towards the middle chair. They stood in front of their seats and the man put his hand out. "Zachariah Fuller." Dean slowly took it and they shook briefly before Fuller settled himself in his chair. "Sit."

Mills sat first, followed by Turner and then Dean.

"Now, this has been quite a story, Dean." He leaned forward a little. "Can I call you Dean?"

"Yes, Sir." Dean nodded.

The man nodded back. "I had a look over the files and we had a big meet- a couple of big meetings actually, as I'm sure you'll be fully aware of." He opened the file on the desk in front of him and fixed his tie, looking down. "First of all, how are you feeling, I understand you are living back at home just now?" He looked up again.

"Yes, Sir." Dean stated and the man raised an eyebrow. "Well Sir, in all honesty I will be a lot better when this is over and I know what's happening."

The man nodded. "Quite right, Dean, quite right." He leafed through the papers. "I see that you saw our resident shrink, how do you think that went?"

Dean inhaled thinking about it. "I think it went well and I would like to continue that if that's an option, Sir."

Turner and Mills turned their heads. Fuller smiled a little. "Great." He nodded. "Honesty, I like it. Humanity is flawed, Dean, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that you need a hand to get back on your feet." He looked back to the file. "I like it."

There was a few minutes of silence while Zachiariah read through the papers again. "Now Dean, I know you have probably told this story a million times, not just to us but to your friends and family, right?" Dean nodded. He looked to the paper searching before he looked up. "No spouse?"

"No, Sir." Dean's throat tightened. "But my boyfriend didn't take it too well." Dean inhaled. "Ex-boyfriend, Sir."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that." He nodded and looked down again. "Anyway, I've never met you and although we have already had the meetings and things, I would ask that you tell me the story," he tapped the paper in front of him, "I have details here but I would prefer to hear it out of your mouth if that isn't too much to ask."

Dean nodded. "Of course, Sir." He sat forward in his seat.

.

Cas sat on the sofa curled up with the little orange furball that seemed to like his company when Lucifer got back from the store.

"Cassie, I got you a burger, do you want me to make that a cheese one for you?" He shouted from the kitchen.

"No, I got it." Cas stood up and walked into the kitchen. Abby opened one eye and then looked before deciding she was comfortable.

"Have you heard from..." Lucifer turned, narrowing his eyes, "Sam, wasn't it?"

Cas nodded. "Why would I have heard from Sam? He'll be in California by now."

"What, his brother comes back from the dead and has all of the court stuff to go through and he just goes back to California? From what you've told me, I highly doubt it." Lucifer had been rooting around in his carrier bag when he pulled the burger out and handed it to Cas.

Cas looked as he took it. "Court stuff?"

Lucifer started emptying the rest onto the worktop. "Yeah, I mean the guy hid from duty for nearly a year, he might be found guilty of going AWOL."

Cas looked down as he reached for a pan from the hanging ones on the wall. "I hadn't even thought. What happens if they decided he was?"

Lucifer shrugged. "I don't know but it won't be a slap on the wrist. It's the Army, you get a two hour run for sneezing in those places."

Cas took out his phone in one hand and Lucifer took the pan, smiling a little as he put it on the heat for him. "Thanks."

Cas found Sam's number and thought about phoning but what if he was in California? Cas sighed and found Jo's number.

Hey, can I ask you something? - C

Jo and Cas spoke every day, they had even already spoken that day, so she wasn't surprised and less than a minute later there was a reply.

Anything. - Jo

Will Dean be in trouble with the Army, for not going back? - C

There was a delay in texts there, Jo and Cas had never discussed Dean since he had left. he had no idea what was going on with him.

We don't know yet, there's been a big investigation into it to see if he's been declared AWOL, if they decide he was then he could be in serious trouble. He finds out today. Why do you ask? - Jo

Cas bit his lip, leaning against the island in the middle of the kitchen before answering.

Can you tell me what happens? - C

Of course. Miss you. - Jo

Miss you too - C

.

Zachiariah had been quiet for a few minutes after Dean's story. He had his hands clasped in front of his face and stared at the desk.

He suddenly took a sharp inhale and sat forward. "Alright Dean, thank you for telling me all of that again. I'll lay it out for you. Our shrink has postulated that you may be suffering from PTSD." Dean saw Turner nod slightly. "And she wrote here," he flipped the page over to look at it briefly before letting it fall again, "that she believes it was your trauma that caused you to refrain from contacting your unit." Dean waited. "Now, when I read this I disagreed, I have here," he held up a booklet, "the forms to start the process of declaring you having gone AWOL and this," he put the form back down and pointed to a pink form, "the formal sanction that would allow me to start the process of your punishment."

Dean nodded. He had fully expected that. "I understand, Sir."

"That said," he paused, "after hearing the story of Lazarus from your own mouth." Fuller inhaled deeply as he looked from the form to Dean's face. "I have to say I agree with her." He tapped the paper he had previously indicated as the shrink's profile of Dean. "I think that you were and still are suffering from your experiences before and after the explosion and I think they had made you act in a manner that, according to the previous reports we have on you, is out of character." He leaned off of his elbows.

Sam was in the waiting room when his phone buzzed.

Cas text me asking about Dean and the Army, he wants to know what happens. - Jo

He hasn't come out but I'll let him know too, have Stanford called yet? - Sam

Yeah, Jess was talking to them earlier, they said the start of September? - Jo

That's fine. Need to go back some time - Sam

Dean was trying not to be sick.

"So here's what I'm going to do, Dean." Fuller sat back in his chair. "I am going to ask you to complete all of your remaining years of duty at the training camps as an instructor and continue to see Dr. Tapping, uh," he looked to the paper, "Naomi." He nodded. "And after that you can decide what you want to do, if you want to stay after those years are up we'll need to have another review with the Doc and everything but those are my terms."

Dean blinked.

"Dean?" Fuller turned his head a little.

"Sorry Sir, I was just so surprised."

Fuller smiled. "Did you think we would smite you for being human and making a mistake, Dean?" He laughed a little. "No, I'm confident that given other circumstances these events would have played out very differently." He paused. "And besides, just talking to you I can tell your memories are punishment enough."

Dean looked down a little. "Thank you, Sir."

"It took a lot of courage to come back here the way you did, Dean."

Dean looked at him. "If you had seen the look on my ex-partner's face Sir," he swallowed, "this was the easy part."

Fuller stood up and the other officers followed suit. "Now, you are still on leave until September first but report to Fort Riley on Monday, just for logistics and everything, Cain in personnel and handling will have all of the information you need on that. That's us for now but I will pencil you in for a review in three months."

"Sir." Dean nodded.

The man nodded to Mills who turned to Turner and nodded.

"Dismissed Winchester." Dean nodded and left out the door.

Dean closed it behind him and exhaled looking at Sam. "I don't know what the hell just happened," he whispered, "but I think Mom was right about an angel watching over me."

Sam widened his eyes. "What happened?"

Dean and Sam said thanks to Becky, Fuller's secretary, and exited into the main corridor.

"Been transferred to Fort Riley as an instructor until my time runs out and I have to keep seeing the shrink."

"That's it?" Sam exhaled himself. "Could have been worse."

"Worse? Dude, I could have been in Army jail!" He whispered. "No," he nodded, "I like talking to the shrink." Sam glanced at him. "I think it'll help." Sam patted his shoulder. "Help me find personnel." Dean walked away.

.

Cas was standing in the kitchen while Lucifer loaded plates and everything else into the dishwasher, Lilith sipped a glass of wine and Cas held baby Adam. Who was getting heavy.

"He certainly likes you." Lilith smiled.

"Every time I hold him he falls asleep." Cas smiled back.

"And that's why we like you." Lucifer smirked at his little brother. "I have to say bro, I'm glad you called that day." Lilith put her hand out and rubbed Lucifer's back.

"Me too." Cas smiled down at the bundle in his arms as his hand reached slowly out and relaxed to still in the air. Cas brought his hand and touched it to the baby's gently. "I only wish it had been sooner."

"No point thinking like that, bro." Cas looked up. "Regrets will eat you up."

"Yeah." Cas whispered, his smile falling, as he looked back down."

Cas' phone rang and he pulled it out.

Sam

He flipped it open. "Sam." He and Lucifer shared a look. Cas swallowed, trying not to seem too eager. "How- How are you?"

"I'm good, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks." Cas took a breath. "I take it Jo told you I asked."

"Yeah, I just wanted to call and let you know that he's been diagnosed with PTSD," Cas closed his eyes and nodded, "he's been transferred to Fort Riley to carry out the rest of his duty as an instructor and he has to carry on seeing the Army shrink."

Cas opened his eyes. "I think that sounds like a good idea."

"So does he." Sam sighed. "How's Michigan?"

"Its great." Cas smiled down at Adam. "I still miss you guys though."

"Yeah, we miss you too. Dean starts the first of September and Jess and I go back to California about the same time."

"Oh so you're still in Kansas?" Lucifer looked over with a 'told you so' expression and Cas tutted at him. Adam stirred so Cas gestured to Lilith who reached out and took Adam.

"Yeah, we couldn't go back just yet, had to take time to let everything sink in." There was a pause. "How are you dealing with it all?"

Cas walked into the hallway, moving away from Adam in case Sam was on for a long conversation, and pulled the necklace out of his pants pocket. "I am..." He sighed. "I'm dealing."

"Good. Listen, I have to go but I'll text you."

"Yeah, bye." Cas heard the click on the other end and stuffed the necklace back in his pocket before he walked back into the kitchen. "He's been confirmed as having PTSD and made an instructor at Fort Riley."

"How do you feel about that?" Luke asked closing the dishwasher noticing a bit of lace poking out of Cas' pocket.

Cas smiled. "I'm glad he's not in trouble." He walked away, letting the smile fall, until he got to his room door. He opened it and a ginger furball ran under his feet and inside. "Abby." Cas closed the door and walked to the bed. "You need to stop doing that."

He dumped himself on the bed and watched as she walked up beside him and sat looking down at his face.

"I still love him." He muttered before looking up. "He told me he loved me, did I tell you that?" She dipped her head. "Yeah, I don't even think he meant it, he just said it in the middle of a stream of other things." Cas rolled his head and smooshed it into the pillow before turning back to look at her. "PTSD, that was obvious." He looked away. "I'm an idiot, aren't I?"

She meowed.

He let out a little laugh. "Yeah well, you're ginger." She meowed again looking at his pants. "Sorry." He sighed. "What do I do?" She walked towards his pocket and pawed it. "What?" He looked down and watched as she played with the bit of lace hanging out.

There was a few minutes of silence while Cas thought to himself. One thing was bothering him.

He took out his phone and tapped out a text to Sam.

Why didn't he fight for me? - C

It seemed like an eternity before he got a reply.

I think because he knew what he had done was so unforgivable that he didn't want to put himself out there when he knew he'd be shot down. Fear, I guess - Sam

Cas pressed the phone upside down into the cover and looked down again as Abby jumped off the bed onto the window sil, looking out. Then his phone went again.

Would you have wanted him to fight for you? - Sam

Cas looked at it and sighed. "I don't know." Abby turned her head to look at Cas and then licked her paw.

.

Sam was sitting in the diner when Cas didn't reply. He looked across at Dean, who's head was bowed, and sighed. "Was it the Army that made you like this?"

Dean looked up, Jess, Jo and Kevin looked around to Sam and then Dean. Ellen was serving and Bobby was in the restroom.

"Like what?"

"You just gave up." Sam shrugged. "You used to fight until there was no more fight left and even then you'd keep on fighting." He shrugged again. "For everything."

"I don't-" Dean started confused.

"Right down to the last mini-muffin." Sam leaned forward. "So why didn't you fight for Cas?" Dean inhaled. "In fact, why didn't you fight for me?"

Dean's head lifted. "What?"

"You knew I wanted to leave, you knew I was angry that night, you knew when he came in drunk, again, that I would take off. Why did you let him throw me out?"

"Sam-" Dean said a little sterner.

"Why didn't you fight for me!" Sam shouted.

"Because I knew you wanted to leave!" Dean shouted back.

The diner went silent.

Dean's eyes were on Sam, his voice lowered. "I knew you wanted a normal life, Sam, I did too but the difference was that you could have really got it, I knew you wanted to go and I knew we were holding you back so when I didn't say anything Sam, when I let him throw you out..." Dean sighed. "I was fighting for you." He looked back to his coffee.

Sam took that in.

Jo looked between them. "And Cas?" She croaked.

Dean turned his head. "It was hard enough to come back to you all and explain knowing he'd walk away, it would have been impossible to do it with hope that he could shatter knowing I deserved it, Jo. I had to tell myself there was absolutely no inch of hope or I wouldn't have been able to step on the plane never mind actually come back. And he needed me to come back, he waited for me, I owed him the closure."

Sam opened his phone as everyone went back to their thoughts and chats.

It was never that he didn't want to fight for you, it's that he felt defeated before he even began. He told us he did it all so you could be happy, Cas. - Sam

In Michigan Cas read it and read the last bit again. "But I'm not happy." He looked up as Abby meowed again and then looked out the window.