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Tris
"Jesus Christ, Al. What happened to your face?"
Al grins at me sheepishly.
"Nothing you need to worry about." He appeases.
"What kind of response is that?" I press.
"Tris, it's nothing." He insists.
I don't believe him.
Not for a second.
You don't get a bruise like that from walking into a door.
"You look like you went twelve rounds with Peter and lost all of them."
"Tris, please stop worrying. I'm fine." He persists.
It is clear he is standing his ground on this one, I just don't know if I can let him.
I reach a hand up and run my fingers over the bruise circling his eye.
"What happened to you last night, Al?"
He shrugs a little.
"Nothing. I stayed behind to clean up a little then I went up to bed."
I frown a little.
"So you got into a fight with your pillow then?"
"Tris…" He groans. "Let it go. I'm fine, I promise."
I know something happened but I don't want to press it too much. Everyone has their secrets.
"Okay. Fine." I let out a small sigh. "I've got to go. If I'm late to simulations again Zeke will kill me. I'll see you later?"
I turn to leave but he grabs my arm and I'm forced to stop and turn back around.
"Wait…speaking of my bed and my pillow…" He laughs a little. "Do you want to come over tonight? You've never seen my apartment…" He shrugs a little. "…could be fun—"
I shake my head a little
"Al, I'm really sorry but I can't."
He looks at me for a moment and then sighs.
"I blew it didn't I? Way too soon to ask you that—"
I hold up a hand to stop him.
"It's not that…I just I have plans tonight. I'm um…I'm meeting someone. Can I take a rain check?"
He nods a little bit.
"Sure." He leans in to kiss me but right before he gets there I turn my head a little bit and he gets my cheek instead of my lips.
He pulls away and for a moment I think he's going to say something about it but instead he just smiles and says.
"Good luck."
"Thanks…" I mumble quietly before heading down the hall towards the simulation room.
…
When I walk into the simulation room my stomach drops into my shoes at the sight of Eric.
This is the very first time I've seen him here in this room along with Zeke.
Zeke meets my eyes and gives me a little bit too big of a smile.
I can already tell that Eric is making him nervous.
"Hey, Tris." He says, his voice just a little too high-pitched for normal.
"Have a seat."
I sit down in the familiar metal recliner and take a deep breath, glancing sidelong at Eric.
Panic courses through me.
I can't do this.
Not in front of Eric.
Zeke moves towards me, syringe in hand his eyes trying to tell me something that I can't quite read.
Then he leans close, the needle pressing against my neck but not quite piercing it yet.
"He's here to watch all the initiates." He whispers. "Don't panic. I know you can do this. Calm yourself down and get through it. Okay?"
I nod just the tiniest amount.
"Good luck, Tris." He says quietly and then I feel the needle pierce my neck.
…
Today, of all days, my simulation starts with the glass box.
I knew it would, given that it's the only thing worrying me at the moment.
I let out a soft whimper as I press my hands against the glass and realize there is no way out.
Water gushes over my shoes and the panic starts to set in immediately.
I bang against the glass hard but nothing happens.
"Come on!" I scream and try again this time throwing my whole body against the glass.
Still nothing.
"Okay, Tris. Come on," I say to myself as the water rises over my hips.
"Calm down. It's okay. You're going to be okay."
My words mean nothing because I know instinctively that it is not going to be okay.
I am going to drown.
Except…this isn't real.
No.
I can't think like that.
The water reaches my chest and instantly I can't breathe.
I have to get out of here.
I have to.
This. Isn't. Real.
I press my palm against the glass as the water starts to rise over my mouth and then my nose.
This isn't real.
Glass can shatter.
I can shatter the glass.
I am probably seconds away from running out of air and there is no other way out.
I press my pointer finger against the glass lightly and then just a little bit harder.
A tiny crack appears in the glass.
I know it's only moments away from shattering.
I close my eyes and wait for the gush of water and rain of shattered glass.
When I open them two seconds later, I'm back in the metal recliner gasping for air.
I grab at my throat trying to get as much air in as possible.
I never feel quite right after almost drowning in my own brain.
It takes me a moment to realize that the room is filled with shouting.
"She was having a panic attack, Eric!"
"I don't care! I told you not to bring her out of it! If she's not dauntless enough to overcome the panic that's her problem!"
I stare at the pair of them standing a good distance away from each other, anger spouting from both of them.
"Our job is to test them not torture them!"
"You stopped it for a reason. You didn't want me to see something."
Zeke scoffs.
"More like I didn't want Tris to have a permanent psychological scar."
"She cracked the glass." Eric says, his voice is so confident that it sends a chill down my spine.
"How exactly did she do that?"
Zeke raises an eyebrow.
"I didn't see anything. The image was fuzzy."
"Not fuzzy enough to mask the crack in the glass, Zeke."
They stare at each other for a moment and then Eric grins.
"All those malfunctions you've been having with the machine lately…all those manually entered results…did she crack the glass then too?"
Zeke shakes his head.
"I've never seen anyone do anything like that. The image was fuzzy, Eric."
"Because you pulled her out of it."
Zeke crosses his arms over his chest.
"Like I said, she was having a panic attack. Max told me that my job was to know when it was going to far. That felt like too far to me."
Eric looks him over for a second and then shakes his head slowly.
"Well, we'll see what Max has to say about it tomorrow morning when you're in his office with me."
"Perfect." Zeke says through his teeth, annoyance lacing his tone.
Eric takes a look at me, sitting in the chair gripping the sides tightly.
"How did you do it?"
I stare at him for a moment and then swallow hard.
"…do what?"
"The glass, initiate. How did you crack the glass?"
I shake my head a little.
"I didn't. I just put my hand against it and then I woke up in the chair."
Eric lets out a sigh that sounds a lot like disbelief before he exits the room.
Zeke throws a syringe against the door as it creaks shut.
"I'm screwed aren't I?" I ask, my head turning to look at him.
Zeke shakes his head a little bit.
"No…no, he doesn't have any proof. The image was fuzzy…" He looks at me for a moment.
"They have nothing to back it up with. I erased all the other data of your simulations."
"Zeke, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get you into trouble—"
Zeke waves a hand at me.
"Don't worry about it, okay? Max likes me. I can try and talk my way out of it."
"Let me go with you, maybe I can—"
Zeke shakes his head.
"No. I don't want to draw any more attention to you." He walks to the door and picks up the syringe he'd thrown earlier up off the floor.
"Is there anything at all that I can do?"
"Yes. You can send in the next initiate."
"Zeke—"
"Tris. Please. Just send in the next initiate."
I take a deep breath and then slide out of the recliner and walk to the door feeling like an absolute failure.
Six Hours Later
I pace the simulation room back and forth the same way that I've been doing for the past forty-five minutes.
Tonight is another scheduled session with Tobias and it isn't like him to be late.
As the minutes tick by, my worry increases.
There is always a chance that he could get even though we'd grown pretty cocky about him getting in and out of dauntless as of late.
Then again, who knows if I'll need any more simulation help after what Eric saw in my simulation today?
They might just kick me out all together.
The door creaks open and I let out a sigh of relief.
"Finally, geez Tobias, what—"
When I turn towards the door, I find myself looking at Zeke.
"Zeke." I shake my head a little. "What are you doing here?"
He lets out a small sigh.
"I forgot you'd be in here." He says quietly. "Tris, Stiff isn't coming."
I frown a little.
"Why not?"
"You might want to sit down…you aren't going to like it."
I cross my arms over my chest and wait.
"After your party…Al told Stiff to stay out of dauntless or he'd tell Eric."
I let out a breath.
"What?"
Zeke nods a little bit.
"When he left last night…I don't know, I think he sort of thought you'd be better off if he just…stayed in abnegation. I think he feels guilty. He doesn't want to mess things up for you here."
I place a hand on my stomach just trying to steady my breathing.
"…He just left?"
Zeke nods a little bit.
That explains the black eye Al is now sporting.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with the loss of Tobias.
This room feels so empty without him and I don't think I can bare it for another moment.
He can't just be gone.
He can't just leave.
Not like this…
Not because of…
"Because of Al?" I question, my voice dry.
Zeke nods again.
Anger, intense, all consuming anger rages through me all at once, boiling the blood in my veins and it is all directed towards Al.
"…I have to go." I say quietly.
Zeke raises his eyebrows.
"Where are you going?'
I look back at him for a moment.
"To remind someone that he has no say in who I do or don't talk to."
Al
I'm just about to fall asleep when I hear a knock on the door.
I think about ignoring it but it only gets increasing louder as I lie there listening to it.
It's probably Ellie.
She's been coming over at all hours of the night, panicking about initiation lately.
I love my sister but she's a real pain sometimes.
"Okay, okay Ellie! I'm coming!" I yell towards the door as I climb out of bed and cross the room towards the front door.
When I open it I find myself not looking at my little sister but at Tris.
"Tris. Hi. What are you doing here?"
She shakes her head a little.
"Don't you dare "Tris, hi" me." She says in a dark voice.
"What the hell, Al?"
I raise my eyebrows.
"You're mad."
"Damn right I'm mad."
"I'm not sure I know why."
She lets out a loud scoff of breath.
"How'd you get that black eye, Al? I swear to god if you lie to me I'll slap that stupid grin right off of your face."
She knows.
My heart rate speeds up just a little bit.
"Okay, I'll tell you everything…just come inside first. Please?"
She stares at me for a moment and then pushes past me into the apartment, hitting my shoulder on the way.
I close the door behind her and then watch her as she paces back and forth across my apartment floor.
"What happened, Al?" She says, voice shaking slightly.
"I saw you." I say softly.
"Saw me what?" She presses.
I shrug.
"Whatever you were doing in that secluded corner with Stiff at the end of your party."
She closes her eyes for a moment and then shakes her head.
"We were just talking, Al."
"It looked like a little bit more than that. Last time I checked you don't need to press your lips against someone's forehead to have a conversation. You also don't need to hold hands."
"Al, he's a friend, a dear friend of mine and sometimes—"
"He's your EX, Tris! At some point you have to decide what you really want, me or him!"
"What HAPPENED, Al!?"
"I told him to get the hell out of dauntless and to leave you and me alone! I told him that you were happy and that he was ruining it."
She blows out a breath and then shakes her head running her hands through her hair.
"And then what?"
"He hit me so I hit him back a couple of times and then I told him if he came back to dauntless that I'd tell Eric."
"Why would you do something like that?"
I rush towards her, taking her hands in mine.
"Because I'm in love with you, Tris and I know that you will never give us a real chance until he is completely out of the picture. I just wanted a fair chance, Tris."
She pulls her hands out of mine and then shakes her head.
"Do you have any idea what you did?! Do you have any idea what abnegation is like for him? It's a noose around his neck, Al! He can't breathe there, the only thing keeping him going is being here with his friends—"
"No, Tris. No. The only thing keeping him going is you."
She turns away from me for a moment, her hands still shaking, probably from anger.
"I was just doing what's best for you."
She turns towards me again one hand pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"You don't get to decide what's best for me, Al."
I nod slowly.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I just…I lost my temper when I saw you with him like that. It's fine, he can come back to dauntless, I don't care. I just…I don't want to lose you, Tris."
"You're damn right he can come back to dauntless."
I let out a sigh.
"Tris, I'm sorry."
"I know you are."
She turns quickly towards the door and I run after her practically tripping over myself.
"Wait, Tris. Stay. Stay with me. Please?"
She turns to look at me for a moment.
"I have somewhere that I need to be." She says quietly.
"Is this…is this over?"
She shakes her head a little bit.
"I don't know. I don't know what this is but right now I can't even look at you."
"Tris." I plead. "I'll spend the rest of forever making this up to you, I swear to god just don't…please don't break up with me."
"We'll finish this conversation later. I can't do this with you right now."
I nod a little bit.
"Okay."
"I'll see you." She says and then she's out the door.
Tris
I don't think I will ever forget the streets of abnegation so when I walk them on my way to Tobias' house I still know exactly where I'm going.
Climbing the wall up to his bedroom window is easy, and I'm reminded instantly of when I'd done the exact same thing to ask him why he'd broken up with me.
Something tells me I will always be climbing in and out of Tobias Eaton's bedroom window for one reason or another.
The window is already open when I slip through it easily and land on the floor.
"Tris?"
When I look up, I see that Tobias is sitting on his bed, his eyes fixed on me, his abnegation grey night shirt in his hands, about to be slipped on but not quite there yet.
At the moment, he is only wearing sweats.
It is almost completely impossible to tear my eyes away from him.
How is it fair that I'm still this attracted to him?
I take a deep breath, trying to regulate my breathing.
"…What…what are you doing here?" He presses, still staring at me.
Why had I come here again?
I stand up quickly, feeling silly still sitting on the floor like a child.
I meet his eyes for just a moment and then I remember exactly why I am here.
I'm pissed.
"How dare you?" I say quietly.
"How dare you think that you could just stop showing up and I wouldn't notice!"
"Tris—"
"No! Don't Tris me! How many times have I told you that I need you in my life? That I want you around? God, are you deficient?"
"I—"
"How were you planning on protecting me from abnegation, or did you just give up on that plan too?"
"Tris, I—"
"God, you just left me to the wolves like I didn't matter all because stupid Al, TOLD you too?"
"Beatrice, please—"
"No! NO! Do you even realize what happened today? How much I needed you?"
"TRIS!"
I pause for a moment and take a breath.
"I didn't think that you wouldn't notice. I was hoping that you would notice, hoping that if I took myself out of the equation your life would be easier."
I let out a loud scoff.
"Contrary to popular belief you are not the sole reason that my life is difficult."
He lets out a small sigh.
"I didn't leave you to the wolves. You do matter. You are the only thing that matters."
"Then how could you leave?!" My hands are shaking as I say the words.
"Why do you just keep leaving?!"
I can feel the tears but I hold them back.
I don't want to cry right now.
It will cheapen the entire conversation and I'm better than that.
"I was just trying to give you what you want. I just want you to be happy."
"And due to prior experience, leaving is what you think makes me happy?"
"You aren't the only reason that I'm not coming back."
I cross my arms over my chest and wait for an explanation.
"I don't want anyone to get in trouble because of me. If Al tells Eric what I've been doing for the last three years I'm not going to be the only one in trouble. Zeke would be in hot water."
I stare at him for a long moment.
"Al isn't going to do that."
"How do you know?"
"Because I told him not to."
"And you believe him?"
"He's too afraid of losing me not to listen."
He nods a little bit.
"He's right though…" He mumbles quietly.
"Right about what?"
"I can't keep straddling the factions. I made a choice. I should stick to it. That's what a man does."
I let out a soft breath.
"Now you just sound like Marcus." I say disgust lacing my tone.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Beatrice."
"Come back to dauntless." I say trying to sound surer of myself than I actually am.
"Why?"
The true answer is glowing in my chest but I ignore it and stash it down deep.
"Because Zeke will miss you and I need your help with initiation.."
"You're telling me that you came all the way here from dauntless, in the middle of the night all because Zeke would miss me?"
"I care about you, Tobias. You know that. It's not a secret."
"But you're with Al." He says quietly.
"I'm allowed to care about other people." I say in a clear tone.
He nods a little bit.
"Why do we keep doing this?"
"Doing what?" I question.
"Pretending that we don't feel the things that we feel? Pretending that my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I look at you?"
Just like that my exterior breaks.
I am no longer the dauntless first jumper brave Tris who is dating Al.
Just like that, I am Beatrice, the abnegation girl whose only mistake was loving someone too hard.
"What else are we supposed to do? There isn't another choice."
He shakes his head slowly.
"Isn't there?"
I raise my eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"Tris…" He says softly. "I love you."
"Stop it. Don't say that to me."
"Why? Why can't I say that to you?"
"Because it's confusing and…wrong and…"
He takes several steps closer to me until his inches away from his hands resting on my hips.
"Tris, I love you."
"Stop it." I whisper.
"I love you." He says again.
"You're abnegation!"
"You're dauntless and I love you!" He fires back.
"I—"
"You can't stop it, Tris. It's out there. I said it. You're dauntless. I still love you. It doesn't change anything. The factions don't matter, Tris. They don't. If I was supposed to be here in abnegation then I wouldn't feel the way I feel about you and if you were meant to be in dauntless you wouldn't feel the way you feel about me. We're divergent. We don't fit in, Beatrice. We're not supposed to. "
"…But we have to fit in…"
He shakes his head hard.
"Tris, take a leap of faith with me. Don't trust the test. Trust…me. Trust us."
I look up at him for a moment, taking in his face, his dark blue eyes and prominent jawline.
"Tobias…I can't. I can't do that. I'm terrified. We don't know how to navigate this; we can't just play jump rope with the factions!"
He touches my cheeks with his palms lightly.
"Beatrice, I don't give a damn about the factions the only thing I care about is you. Make a choice."
He runs his fingers through my hair and as I look up at him I already know that I'm all in.
There is no other option in the world for me but him.
I've always known that.
I don't know why I fought it for so long.
"Make a choice?" I whisper.
He nods slowly.
"It's you. It's always been you." Then I lean up and press my lips against his so hard I think I might break them.
He holds his own against my lips though, pressing back just as hard.
It's almost a natural instinct for me to press myself up and wrap my legs around his waist.
He easily adjusts and holds me up by holding the underside of my legs all the while his lips never leaving mine.
Before I know it, he's pressing me back against the bed, the bed that we've done this exact thing on several times before.
I finally feel like I'm home.
I'm home.
He lays me down against the pillows easily and climbs over me, leaving a trail of kisses from the bottom of my neck all the way to my mouth.
"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this moment?"
"Since my choosing day."
He smiles down at me.
"Good guess."
"It's how long I've been waiting for it too."
"Beatrice I—"
I raise a hand and cover his lips with my hand for a moment.
"I know, Tobias. I know." I nod a little bit and then let my hand fall away as he leans down and presses his lips to mine again.
Then, we lose ourselves in each other for hours.