Total Drama Return to the Island
Chapter Fifteen: My Imaginary Boyfriend
By: The Firebending Frog
Fanmial created by: The Firebending Frog, FrostPrince, RainbowCloudArt, The OC Lord, And Jackpot 2
Disclaimer
I do not own Total Drama or any of it's characters or seasons, I do however own my characters, anything labeled OC is mine!
Warning:
This Chapter of Total Drama Return to the Island contains scenes of extreme stunts performed by imaginary teens, Hallucinations, Cody, Theodore getting his butt kicked, Obnoxious people, sore losers, A brute, and a blogging interviewer that loves his job. Do not try any of what you read here at home, seriously you could get really messed up.
Note:
This Chapter contains collections of the funniest and most enjoyable scenes of the recent boots, that is why it is so long. You might laugh a little too hard...
Talk about a cutting remark!
Lights suddenly came on in the dark room revealing an excited audience about to see four of the ex-campers get more screen time, unfortunately there was a curtain in the way. The eliminated campers were just finishing with the viewing of the latest episode that had aired the night before and were getting seated or sitting backstage.
Suddenly without a cue the curtain was pulled back and the audience got a good glimpse at Nova and James sitting on their respective chairs. Opposite them was an empty recliner and behind that was a three leveled couch containing Mona, Theodore, Billy, Vanessa, Emily, and Cole. Almost all the contestants seemed happy to be getting more attention but the attention would be off them and on the most recent eliminatees.
"Good evening Toronto." Nova grinned from her chair, "We have a great show for you tonight."
"You got that right Nova." James agreed, "Not only do we have four people who just lost a chance for a million dollars, but we also have a total of three guests for your enjoyment."
"But you know all about us but for now we must ask what the former campers thought about the last four episodes." Nova grinned pointing to the peanut gallery.
"Opinions may vary." James added.
"First up Mona what did you think about the last four episodes." Nova asked.
"What does episode mean?" Mona asked.
Silence.
"You do realize we all know you're faking the dumb act." Emily whispered before receiving a sharp jab to the ribs by Mona.
"Fine, Alexa getting voted off was stupid of her team, Helga's an idiot, Patrice is still hot, Golfer boy and immigrant girl can go shove their unattractive faces together as long as they don't reproduce and take up my air." Mona ranted, "The challenges were lame, the editing was bad, and Julia should be killed for her behavior."
"Okay then..." Nova stammered, "Theodore what are your thoughts?"
"Pass." Theodore stated, "Mona basically stated everything I had to say."
"Well then Billy anything to add or change?" James asked with a grin.
"yeah where can I get fake bodies?" Billy asked, "You could make a fortune off selling them to people."
"... How?" Nova asked.
"There are people out there who like corpses, don't judge them!" Billy yelled sitting up and pointing at Nova with accusation in his eyes.
"Okay then, Vanessa what were your thoughts?" Nova asked knowing she'd finally get a different opinion.
"Oh my god, when Chris faking dying last episode my heart literally stopped and Emily resurrected me with CPR." Vanessa shuddered, "Now I'm on heart attack medication but as long as I don't see Chris die again the doctors think I'll live."
"Wow so you almost died." James asked.
"Yeah until the TV said Chris wasn't dead and Emily got my heartbeat going." Vanessa replied like she didn't care, "Also the Hunger games challenge was genius, the other two I couldn't get into due to the lack of Chris, although I now know he loves sushi."
"YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK!" James yelled.
"Yeah so?" Vanessa asked.
"Someone get her a psycho therapist." James ordered, "Just Please."
"What did you call me?" Vanessa asked.
"EMILY! What did you think of the challenges and eliminations?" James asked changing the subject.
"I thought we had it rough when we were still in the game." Emily sighed, "I mean the capture the flag challenge has nothing on that murder challenge. And I thought Helga was eliminated unfairly but everyone else was eliminated for a reason. I would've liked to stay in but I am glad I didn't have to go through the torture they've been dishing out lately."
"Thanks for an honest to god answer." Nova sighed, "Anything to add Cole?"
"... How did John win that last premerge challenge?" Cole asked.
"Moving on." James grinned, "We have to welcome our first guest, she was spared by Clyde's medevac, she is in love with a famous movie star, and she happens to be one of the least popular contestants this season. Give a round of applause for Alexa!"
Instead of applauding her the crowd booed her and some people began throwing things as she walked from backstage in a tight formfitting pink dress.
"Oh shut up!" Alexa ordered sitting down with a pout.
"What's wrong Alexa?" Nova asked slightly concerned.
"Do you know how much hate mail I've been receiving on Twitter?" Alexa demanded, "It is evil! EVIL!"
"You deserve it!' Someone from the crowd yelled.
"SHUT UP!" Alexa roared standing up and turning red in the face.
"Calm down Alexa!" James requested as Alexa sat down panting, "How about we look over your highlight reel?"
"We didn't get highlight reels!" Emily complained.
"Well unfortunately you didn't get enough screen time." Nova replied, "Sorry."
"Anyway sit back, relax, and enjoy this collection of some of Alexa's greatest moments." James grinned.
"And our next guest is Alexa!" Chris smiled motioning to a speedboat filled with pink leopard print luggage and a snooty looking girl wearing pink sunglasses, a neon green tank top, and short shorts. Her hair was an obviously dyed blonde and she had massive earrings.
"Ugh what a dump, daddy promised to give me another private beach house if I came on this show though." Alexa said snootily.
"This is Alexa, our second most spoiled person on this show." Chris said smiling.
"Ugh, for real!" Greg yelled, "One is bad enough, let alone two!?"
"Oh I like your accent is it British?" Alexa asked stupidly.
"Ok first off that's called an English accent, and second off, are you bloody stupid? I'm from Scotland!" Greg Ranted.
"You're Canadian Greg." Terrance reminded Greg.
"I believe you are correct, but that doesn't change any of what I said!" Greg yelled.
"Oh you're a funny guy, say more words!" Alexa squealed grabbing Greg's face, "Your cheeks are so fat!"
"I'm not fat lassie! I'll show you a thing or two!" Greg yelled charging at Alexa, but Terrance and Spader held him back, "Oh just let me kill the dumb daddy's girl and we can get along with our lives!"
"Greg eat a snickers!" Spader said.
"Now why would I want to do that!" Greg screamed, "Stop quoting commercials!"
"You turn into an angry Scotsman with the temper of an old Japanese man when you're hungry." Spader replied.
"Screw off, I don't need a chocolate bar!" Greg yelled marching over to where Cole was giving Billy a wedgie.
"He's a fun fellow!" Alexa smiling, literally emitting stupidity., "Why is that girl in armour?"
"Don't bother her she's..." Terrance started but was interrupted.
"Who's that big ugly girl?" Alexa asked.
"ME HELGA!" Helga screamed in response spittle flying from her mouth.
"Pleasure."
"You're pretty hot." Patrice flirted pushing past Spader and Helga.
"You're not too bad on the eyes yourself handsome." Alexa flirted back.
"LET ME IN! THERE'S A DIRTY MONSTER OUT HERE!" Alexa screamed as a blurry eyed Teresa staggered to the door and opened it to see Alexa running from a moth.
"And she continues to get more and more pathetic." Teresa sighed as Alexa dashed in and locked the door.
Now Alexa looked just plain terrible, she had an ugly swelling under her eye, several leaves in her hair and quite a bit of spider web on her arms. Alexa normally wore beautiful designer clothing but right now she only appeared to be wearing clothes fit for a homeless woman.
"What happened to you?" Vanessa asked looking Alexa up and down before giggling a little.
"Last night an owl tried to eat my tongue." Alexa replied a wild look in her eyes and curling into a ball on her lower bunk, "And a wolf showed up and began chewing on my leg like a dog does to a chew toy. "
"You had a rough night." Emily said, "Maybe next time you'll find some better shelter."
"No! I beg you to please let me stay in the cabin! I'm begging you!" Alexa screamed grabbing Emily and shaking her wildly.
"I will if you can do one thing." Emily said smiling, "You just have to be nice for the entire day."
"I can..." Alexa began before Teresa interrupted her.
"That means you can't complain, be lazy, make everyone do your share of the work, bully Winter, call Helga ugly, or Julia a retard." Teresa explained while Alexa cringed at every word she said, "Three strikes and you're out."
"I'm not retarded! I'm adorable!" Julia yelled popping out from her ball of bed sheets.
"No you're..." Alexa began before noticing Emily and Teresa glaring at her, "... Super adorable."
"Wanna make out." Julia asked pointing at Alexa with a huge grin.
"NO..." Alexa began before catching herself, "I mean no thanks."
"... Won't shut up until you let me in..." Alexa repeated sitting outside the Girls side of the Falcons cabin, "... Won't shut up until you let me in! Won't shut up until you let me in! Won't shut up until you let me..."
Alexa was interrupted by an axe embedding itself through the door above her head.
"Fine! Be grumpy!" Alexa fumed.
"Good thing Alexa left!" Summer yelled overacting her part.
"Let's head to the shower house leaving all of our valuables in the totally unlocked cabin." Jill added also overacting her part.
"Let's go girls." Kai finished as the three girls walked away.
Ten seconds later Alexa dropped down from the roof.
"Idiots." Alexa muttered rolling her eyes and turning the doorknob... To find the door locked with no way besides a key past it.
"Maybe if I pull harder." Alexa muttered pulling hard on the door.
"I can't believe she fell for that." Summer giggled from a nearby bush.
"Well we may as well shower." Kai shrugged while Alexa tried even harder to pull the door open.
"Something's amiss." Alexa muttered scratching her head.
"Adoy!" Jill stated dumbly slapping the side of her head.
Alexa: maybe the door got stuck or something. I'm no good with advanced technology.
Alexa: I have the perfect team, they all love me. (Alexa smiles)
"Great now we're short a player." Summer sighed.
"Not so fast." Patrice stated taking his shirt off.
"Hi Patrice, can I do something for you?" Alexa asked zipping up to Patrice.
"You have to play volleyball." Patrice explained, "Are you capable of that?"
"I am the captain of the volleyball team back home! WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Alexa asked raising her voice proudly.
WHAT!" Alexa exclaimed as Summer caught her marshmallow with a relieved look on her face, "You can't do this! I haven't won!"
"maybe you should've though about that before being bad for ratings." Chris replied.
"I can't go!" Alexa yelled before Chef picked her up and tossed her into the boat of losers.
"Zbz." Jill snorted.
"Okay, whatever that meant." Chris commented.
"NOOO!" Alexa screamed as the boat pulled away from Wawanakwa.
"And that Concludes out collection, these are scenes that the audience liked the most, they were almost all funny and a few portrayed you as a good person." James grinned.
"Sure..." Alexa trailed not knowing exactly what to think about the clips.
"So how was the contest?" Nova asked with a smile.
"Oh it was fine." Alexa replied, "I would've liked to outlast a few more people but it was fun for while it lasted."
"That's actually a better reaction than I was expecting." James stated.
"I lied it was a terrible place, the food was horrible, the other campers were horrible for the most part, and I didn't have any use of my luxuries!" Alexa ranted turning slightly red as she yelled.
"Okay, Okay we'll ask some other publicity related questions!" James yelled, "For the fans how did it feel to outlast six other people?"
"I could've done better." Alexa replied, "But the people on the island were just plain stupid at times."
"Are you going to answer every question with one sentence?" Nova asked.
"It keeps the fans guessing." alexa replied.
"No it makes them mad and they lose interest in you." Nova replied, "Being interesting is far better than being secretive."
"That's a matter of opinion." Alexa replied.
"Which challenge did you like the best?" James asked, "Like I even have to ask."
"The talent show." Alexa replied, "I got to put on a skimpy dress and strut my stuff."
"Yeah having twelve seconds of fame went good for you didn't it?" Nova asked.
"YEP!" Alexa replied, "Besides that I think I liked the camping one since I got to experience how my ancestor's employees lived."
"... Not going to comment." nova sighed after a pause.
"You were placed on the Wicked Weasels, probably the most dysfunctional team this season, how were they?" James asked.
"They were okay I guess, but some of them I hated, like Julia, mother of god! But yeah besides her they were overall good, I may have disliked a lot of them but you can't have a team without a few idiots." Alexa shrugged.
"And how were the Falcons?" James asked.
"Worse." Alexa replied, "They locked me outside multiple times, they were even uglier than Winter, and there were no hot guys, just a bunch of noodles and Cole."
"HEY!" Cole protested.
"Okay Alexa we know you're already rich so I have to ask, what would you have done with the money?" Nova asked.
"That's a very good question, unlike these Peons I didn't need it, so the only real reason I joined the show was so I could get publicity and maybe get noticed by an old rich dude who'd I marry until he died then I'd inherit all his money and marry a hot guy." Alexa explained.
"Great plan." Nova replied, "Really contributing to society there."
"Thanks." Alexa smiled cutely.
"Now we would normally show who voted you off but just like some of the earlier votes it was unanimous." Nova explained, "Any comments."
"I expected them to do that. They're all stupid." Alexa scoffed.
"Now final question, who do you want to win?" Nova asked.
"Well I can't say I'm really cheering for anybody Nova, I either hate them all or they betrayed me." Alexa replied calmly.
"Wait so you don't like Patrice?" James asked in shock.
"Nope." Alexa replied, "He's shown his true colours and non amount of hot abs can cover up the sludge coloured gunk he calls a soul. I have standards people."
"Well didn't expect that." James stated sitting back, "But your contract forces you to pick someone."
"Fine." Alexa scowled pausing and going into deep thought to decide who she hated the least, "I'm going to have to say John."
"Any particular reason?" Nova asked.
"He's likely to lose." Alexa scowled, "And the sooner they're all gone the better, Can I have my fan mail now?"
"More like hate mail." James snickered to Nova.
"I HEARD THAT!" Alexa yelled.
James smiled nervously as an Intern brought a small bag of letters from backstage.
"We'll read a few pieces but if there are only weird ones we'll move on." Nova explained.
"Seems fair." Alexa stated holding her chin thoughtfully.
Nova dug her hand into the bag and brought out a Blue envelope with neat Cursive written on it.
"Okay so this letter is from Mr. Bacca." Nova read after opening it, "And he writes: Dear Alexa, why are you so afraid of Moths? They're harmless creatures that can't hurt you!"
"Well I actually have a decent answer for that." Alexa replied, "Where I live we have a huge problem with these caterpillars, every spring the hatch in disgusting groups and eat all the leaves and making the area look like a fire just ravaged it. If that wasn't already bad enough they all start killing each other so you cant walk three feet without stepping on them. Let alone the fact that they all become moths and just swarm lights."
With that Alexa shuddered.
"Okay that sounds gross." Nova gagged.
"Okay so you had a valid reason." James nodded digging into the bag and pulling out a white letter with Alexa's name in very sloppy writing.
"EWWW!" Alexa scowled, "What person has handwriting that bad?"
"Children." Nova replied with a scowl.
"Don't scowl it gives you premature wrinkles." Alexa ordered.
"Okay so this one is from someone named Preston." James read, "And he Writes: Dear Alexa, yur pritty. Yu shld be an acteress!"
"Um no offense Preston but Alexa isn't the best role model." Nova whispered to the camera.
"Thanks Preston." Alexa grinned, "I do think of myself as Pretty."
"He spelled it with an I." James stated.
"DON'T INSULT MY FANBASE!" Alexa ordered pointing at him threateningly.
"Okay so we're just going to open one more and move on, you get the rest later." Nova explained cutting open another letter, "This one reads: Dear Alexa, how does it feel to be one of the most hated campers this season? You were horrid, and trust me when I say most of the fan base hates you, Even the former Campers. From HappyTrigger349."
"I am not one of the most hated campers in Total Drama History!" Alexa yelled, "And I bet all the former cast members like me, even Wimps like Cody!"
"I wouldn't say that with Sierra watching." James suggested.
"Well why don't we ask him?" Nova asked.
"Huh?" Alexa asked confused.
"Well what better way to add to an interview than have a classic competitor show up?" Nova asked, "Ezekiel has already shown up... Kind of."
"You mean a competitor from the classic group enjoys watching this stuff!" Alexa yelled.
"No that competitors Friend enjoys watching this stuff." James replied, "You know Sierra? yeah she kind of takes the whole friend thing very seriously."
"So give it up for Cody!' Nova yelled looking into the audience, "Where are you... Oh there you are!"
Nova walked offstage and the camera followed her about six rows back and sitting two seats from the edge was indeed Cody who stood up and moved to the middle where he stood next to Nova nervously.
"I only have one question for you and then you can stop live streaming on Sierra's Cody blog." Nova explained.
"Sounds good." Cody replied nervously looking back and forth.
"Is Alexa the worst Camper this season, and where would you rank her in terms of the full series?" nova asked professionally.
"Well Alexa isn't nearly as bad as Alejandro, Heather, Eva, Courtney, Jo, or even that weird Mal personality, I would call her annoying and not fun to watch at all." Cody explained.
"Ouch." Nova laughed noticing the shocked look on Alexa's face.
"If I did have to pick someone this season it would either be Theodore or Patrice due to their attitudes." Cody explained.
"Bigger ouch." Nova laughed noticing Theodore's face.
"I CAN BUY AND SELL YOU!" Theodore yelled in pure rage.
"No you can't." Cody replied dryly.
"Thanks Cody." nova smiled walking back to the stage.
"So there you have it, even classic competitors hate her, but what do her fellow ones think?" James asked the audience, "Let's see, Mona you can start this one off."
"Okay lets see, Alexa was like my besr friend out there and I totally wanted her to win the million." mona explained.
"Drop the valley girl accent." Emily ordered.
"NO!" Mona yelled angrily.
"Theodore?" James asked.
"Alexa is an idiot." Theodore stated bluntly, "Just like the others she couldn't just lay down and let me use her as a stepping stone to victory."
"Well..." Nova trailed, "Billy?"
"For a limited time only you can get a compliment absolutely free with any purchase totaling five thousand dollars." Billy marketed.
"No." Alexa replied with a glare.
"*****." Billy grunted crossing his arms.
"Vanessa?" Nova asked.
"Alexa you're my friend, and I really like you, but your plan sucks." Vanessa explained, "Wouldn't you rather be a productive citizen than be some freeloader?"
"I don't know what that means but i'll take it as a compliment." Alexa replied cheerfully.
"Okay so I hated you." Emily stated, "You were nasty, rude, and all around a pain."
"Gee thanks!" Alexa growled angrily.
"And I didn't know or care a thing about you." Cole replied, "So you can go-"
"That's all the time we have for Alexa Folks!" Nova interrupted quickly, "So thanks for answering all those questions and you may now choose a seat in the peanut gallery."
Alexa smiled and walked over to the peanut gallery before sitting between Mona and Vanessa.
"She's an absolute fan favorite!" Nova announced.
"May or may not be in a relationship!" james added.
"And she stands at seven feet exactly, give it up for HELGA!" Nova announced as the audience burst into applause and Helga walked out onto stage in her normal clothes and sat in the chair accidentally breaking all four legs through the floor.
"Helga is happy to be here." Helga grinned.
"Helga you were one of the best so we put together a bunch of footage of you at your best." Nova explained.
"And then we have an entire interview filled with Helga-tertainment!" James added, "Yeah that sounded better on paper."
A large speedboat that was mostly underwater due to the weight of its passenger sunk just offshore of the dock and a square jawed, red haired, extremely broad shouldered, black eyed girl wearing a pink T-shirt and shorts pulled herself onto the dock.
"Greetings Helga." Chris welcomed, but Helga just sniffed him and grunted indifferently.
"She's the ugliest girl I've ever seen!" Patrice Yelled, "I mean what girl is taller, bulkier, and not to mention has a square jaw and barely any assets! And she's right behind me isn't she."
"Helga no like this pretty man who thinks he knows everything!" Helga yelled in third person.
"She can't even speak properly!" Patrice exclaimed before Helga picked him up and tossed him aside into the water where Julia jumped on him and began yelling, "Onward seahorse!"
"Thanks Helga, he was getting annoying." Summer muttered.
Helga looked at Summer intently before smelling her. "You smell like fruit, Helga likes you!"
"Oh that's my shampoo, its strawberry. Wait, why did you just sniff me?" Summer asked with a confused look on her face.
"Because Helga thinks you smell good!" Helga yelled smashing a dock post with her oversized fists before screaming, "Fruity!"
"This is getting weird." Vanessa muttered.
"Yes, yes it is." Cole replied.
Helga: Helga don't like green anymore.
Helga: Helga has a time based wakeup schedule, it's a family trait.
A giant hole appeared near the base of the wall and Summer drove her tank inside knocking Spiderwasps off their feet and shooting them with noxious gas.
"KILL THE QUEEN FIRST!" Helga screamed punching the queen in the face knocking its head off.
Helga: Helga can't wait to have a well cooked hearty meal for breakfast, Helga used to eat bricks for breakfast when she was three so Chef's cooking is fabulous.
Helga had dumped her massive pile of random objects onto the stage and turned to face the crowd.
"That's the worst art I've ever seen." Chris commented.
"Helga will begin smashing things now!" Helga yelled picking a boulder up and smashing it into rubble with her head.
"Now this is what we've been waiting for!" Chris laughed as Helga smashed a log into splinters with her pinky fingers.
"Helga is good at breaking thins!" Helga screamed smashing an entire tree into timber with her elbow.
"I'm giving it a 10 halfway through!" Chris rated while smiling as Helga broke a sump into little pieces.
"I agree." The intern agreed giving Helga the score of 10 also.
"Helga will bend metal bar as finale!" Helga yelled putting the metal bar in her mouth and biting it in half before eating the part she bit off.
"10 points!" Chef exclaimed giving his score to Helga.
"HELGA DID IT!" Helga screamed running backstage.
"If you let us take the flag we'll let you not get shot!" Luke explained.
"HELGA DOESN'T AGREE!" Helga screamed dumping all the water from her gun onto Luke's head.
"NOOOOOO!" Luke screamed as he was swarmed by bees.
"What is in this water?" Summer asked giving her water gun a hard stare.
"Helga thinks pouring the entire gun on Luke's head was a terrible and cruel idea now." Helga agreed.
"I GOT THE FLAG!" Clyde yelled dashing into the woods giggling.
"Audios." Summer saluted dashing after Clyde.
"HELGA DOESN'T THINK YOU'LL GET AWAY THAT EASY!" Helga screamed trampling over Luke and pursuing his team into the woods.
"Remember me." Luke stammered weakly before passing out.
"YAHHH!" Terrance yelled jumping into the air and punching Helga heavily and repetitively while a combo began playing out on the screen.
SUPER POWER NINJA TURBO NEO ULTRA HYPER MEGA MULTI ALPHA META EXTRA UBER PREFIX... COMBO!
Helga literally fell over and her health bar reached -5,000.
"Helga is defeated." Helga groaned her eyes looking like those of a fainted Pokémon.
"Winners don't lose!" Terrance stated.
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!" Jesslyn yelled before being cut out by static.
"but doesn't Helga make any team she's on overly capable?" Helga asked.
"What do you want to be ref or something?" Teresa asked.
"HELGA WOULD LOVE THAT!" Helga screamed in joy hugging Teresa.
"Great now we're short a player." Summer sighed.
"Hello?" Helga asked the phone, she was squeezed in the booth so hard that she could barely move.
"HELGA! EEEEE!"
"Lydia? EEE!" Helga squeed back although it sounded more like a dying humpback whale.
"Oh my god you've been doing... Wait for it... A-MAZING!"
"Thank you Lydia." Helga nodded.
"You were picking up campers, destroying walls, eating plates, Picking up campers... Wait did I mention that? Anyway It was so awesome I think I might just be going CRAZY!"
"Helga wonders how Lydia has been." Helga explained.
"Oh I've been fine... But bored. Nothing ever happens here when you're away, just a bunch of guys trying to get me to date them again."
"That sounds awesome!" Helga stated.
"No they care nothing for me, only my body. It's like they think I'm in a vegetative state despite the fact they probably don't even know what that is. Now if Austin noticed me..."
"Helga knows for a fact Austin is too wound up in math to appreciate a girlfriend." Helga stated.
"Speaking of relationships... Whoa that is one brown spider, and do I smell cookies, also think a storm's rolling in..."
"Lydia is getting off topic." Helga stated.
"Sorry! ADHD and all that distracting stuff... Whoa that's new... wait no it's not!"
"Lydia has been concentrating too hard." Helga stated.
"Maybe I have been, how many times can I reread a sentence before I realize I'm doing it? Oh well, I'm cheering for you and I swear whether you win or not i'll be taking you to... Wait where was I taking you?"
"Helga understands." Helga nodded.
"Did I give away I was taking you to... BZZZZZZ!"
"Times up!' Chris announced.
"But Helga wasn't done!" Helga complained.
"You can give dating advise to distracted-a-lot later!" Chris barked.
Helga grumpily returned to her seat.
... Helga." John announced as Helga smiled and caught her marshmallow, "Boat of losers is that way Patrice."
"Oh I'm not going to the boat of Losers." Patrice smirked, "Helga is."
"Helga got a marshmallow." John replied glaring at Patrice.
"and the second most amount of votes it seems." Patrice smiled, "As the last person to get a marshmallow she technically had at least more votes than Teresa."
"But you had the most." John stated.
"I also have hidden immunity." Patrice smirked taking the necklace out.
Everyone gasped and Helga dropped her marshmallow.
"Sucks to be you ugly." Patrice laughed.
Helga stood up and turned to Patrice.
"Since Helga is no longer bound by her contract..." Helga trailed picking Patrice up, slamming him on the ground, and then body slamming him with her elbow.
"YEAH!" John cheered, "Go Helga."
"This is for being a jerk!" Helga growled sacking him so hard his voice sounded like one of the chipmunks.
"**** YOU! YOU STUPID HALF GIANT!" Patrice yelled in that high pitched voice.
Helga leaned in close, "I'm watching you *******."
Patrice's eyes widened at the sudden use of proper grammar.
"Helga had fun but Helga must leave now." Helga stated.
Everyone rushed forward to say their goodbyes.
"That is going to be awesome for ratings." Chris laughed, "Someone make a loop of him getting sacked!"
Helga waved goodbye before boarding the boat of losers and disappearing into the fog.
As the collection ended Helga looked very happy about her time on the show and her interviewers were extremely excited to get some answers.
"So Helga, how was the show?" James asked with a grin.
"Helga thought it was fun, Helga would've liked to get further but Helga had to go when Helga had to go." Helga shrugged, "Helga made some new friends, new memories, and even a giant fan base."
"so you aren't upset that Patrice scammed you out of a chance for one million dollars?" Nova asked.
"Nope." Helga replied, "Helga got to beat him up with no legal repercussions, so Helga is content."
"Well that's always a good thing." Nova nodded, ""Speaking of content would you have rather placed higher than eighth overall?"
"Helga was supposed to be tenth but since Pete and Clyde got back in the game it's only fair that Helga would drop two positions in the rank." Helga replied, "But Helga is happy placing Eighth, it's a good number, even though Helga would've liked the top percent better."
"That's a very mature outlook on it." James smiled.
"Thanks." Helga smiled, "Helga tries her best."
"What challenge was your favorite?" Nova asked, "You dominated in most of them."
"Helga would have to say the second one since Helga was solely responsible for the immunity her team won." Helga replied remembering her decapitation of the queen SpaderWasp, "It may sound bigheaded but no one helped Helga in that challenge."
"I totally agree with you." James nodded.
"Well I don't!" Mona complained, "How the heck did you outlast me? ME!"
"Mona was annoying and Helga was awesome." Helga replied without any pause between the question and answer.
"Take that back!" Mona ordered.
"Make Helga." Helga growled cracking her neck.
"N-n-no thanks." Mona mumbled going quiet.
"Speaking of annoying-mc-first-off over there how did you find your team?" Nova asked.
"Helga's team was interesting." Helga sighed, "We fought, We argued, We even hit one another, it was a disaster. But Helga made a long term friendship with Winter and that counts as something."
"Indeed it does." James nodded.
"Also Helga found Patrice annoying, bigheaded, and even wimpy at times, he's like Chris if he wasn't famous." Helga joked making the audience laugh, "But Besides him, Alexa, and Mona, Helga had an awesome team."
"well so Helga did like the majority of her team." Nova told the audience, "But Helga what would you have done with the prize money?"
"Helga thought it would be a good start for her future, when Helga needs a house that has eight foot door frames she could've used the million, But Helga's Boyfriend has enough money to cover that." Helga explained.
"Your imaginary boyfriend?" Theodore laughed, "What Ugly Brain dead moron would go for you?"
"Helga's boyfriends is not Ugly! OR BRAIN DED!" Helga roared standing up and approaching the know it all.
"Mummy!" Theodore shrieked covering his face.
"Helga, he isn't worth it." Emily stated.
"Emily is right." Helga sighed sitting back down.
"well since there were no votes cast when you were eliminated how about I ask you who you want to win out of the remainder of the contestants?" James asked with interest.
"Helga would like Either Winter or Teresa to win." Helga replied.
"Teresa?" Nova asked, "Didn't she betray you and cause your elimination in a way?"
"Yes, but Helga can forgive if Emily can forgive." Helga replied, "Helga was mad at first but she isn't upset anymore and hopes Teresa can smooth things over."
"Wow that's really cool of you Helga." Nova smiled, "I wasn't expecting it but then again you're a pretty cool person."
"Thanks." Helga replied with a happy smile.
"Well without further ado let's read some FANMAIL!" James yelled waving his hands wildly and making the audience cheer.
An intern lugged a gigantic bag of letters, small packages, and pictures of attractive guys over to James and fell over upon reaching them.
"We cant go through it all but we'll read a few just for fun." james grinned opening the bag and after throwing a few pictures away and handing a package to a man in a bomb squad uniform he pulled a bright green envelope out and after reading it over he grinned, "Okay so this is from a fan under the alias Jackpot2, and he writes: Why is it that even though your not the sharpest tool in the shed, not that I'm trying to insult your intelligence or anything, you were one of the nicest campers competing? also how did it feel to beat the living custard out of Patrice? You rock!"
"Uh Helga is a bit confused as to how Jackpot thought intelligent people are always nice." Helga replied pointing at where Theodore was rapidly punching things into a calculator, "But Helga will answer the question anyway, Helga was raised to be friendly and ever since she accidentally broke a girls arm in kindergarten Helga has made sure to be nice to people."
"You broke someone's arm!" James exclaimed.
"Yeah but her and Helga are friends now." Helga replied, "Lydia still remembers it but she gets distracted and tends to repeat things often due to her ADHD."
"What is it like having a friend with the condition?" James asked.
"Well Lydia gets distracted easily, Constantly switches activities and forgets what she's doing, Lydia also asks which side of the road she's supposed to driving on when in the car with anyone." Helga replied, "But Lydia is never bored, and as long as she takes her medication she can focus on one activity for about an hour before losing interest."
"Cool." nova nodded, "Anyway back to Jackpot's question..."
"Oh yeah Helga had fun injuring Patrice, she hopes she caused pain only and no long term harm." Helga replied, "And Helga thanks Jackpot for saying she Rocks."
"I think he'll be happy with that answer." Nova nodded opening a second letter, "Helga, How did you get to be so big? I wish I could grow tall like that but I'm kind of vertically challenged. Sincerely Bernard."
"Well Helga ate a lot of food, and she has an exceptional amount of Human growth Hormone in her blood so Helga has no clue how she got this big, but Helga is curious to how anyone would want to be Helga sized, She hates shopping because nothing fits unless she custom orders it, and she sometimes breaks doorframes or whacks her hear on low hanging signs." Helga explained, "Helga doesn't understand why she is tall but she can guarantee she would rather be a bit shorter. Helga also hates how broad her shoulders are, they add excess weight and Helga is supposed to weigh three hundred pounds in order to be healthy."
"That's an interesting answer." James nodded, "So in short you have no clue."
"Bingo." Helga replied.
"Okay so this next letter is from a fan named Locomoto 234.5." James stated, "And they write: Dear Helga, Why do you speak in third person?"
"Helga speaks in third person?" Helga asked, "Helga is sure this is prank mail."
Even Emily facepalmed at this.
"Moving on." Nova stated opening a forth letter, "Dear Helga, Excellent job on Total Drama, I was just wondering why you never said your boyfriend's name during it. Sincerely Andreo Malcolm Vanswanna."
"WHAT!" Alexa and Mona yelled in unison.
"A famous actor slash model slash mr. perfect award winner sent Helga fan mail but not me!' Alexa yelled.
"Well of course Andreo would send Helga fan mail." Helga replied, "Because Helga is dating him."
"Liar!" Mona yelled, "Prove it!"
"How about I prove it!" A Spanish accent announced as a person walked onto stage.
"YAY!" Helga cheered as Mona passed out.
"Andreo! Have you come for me!" Alexa asked.
"No I came for my Girlfriend, Helga."
"A Bu-a bu-a bu WHAAAA!" Alexa stammered, "How could you date Helga."
"Why not?" Andreo asked in deadpan, "Helga didn't mention me because everyone wouldn't believe it."
Andreo couldn't speak more because Helga hugged him and picked him up off the ground.
"Ugh, ugh, yep this is happening again." Andreo muttered.
"Give Helga a kiss!" Helga ordered.
"Okay." Andreo shrugged before kissing her passionately.
Alexa fainted and Emily had a DAWWW face.
"Well I think we'll just end Helga interview right here." Nova suggested.
"Not yet." james replied despite the fact that Helga and her boyfriend were still kissing, "We must know what everyone else thought of her."
"Okay then." Nova shrugged, "Mona?"
"An-an-andreo..." Mona stuttered, "It's a lie!"
"Okay then Theodore?" James asked.
"She was good at the game, what can I say, I hate her for it." Theodore shrugged.
"Billy?" James asked.
"I have no comments besides shouldn't they stop kissing and breathe?" Billy asked pointing at the couple.
"Vanessa?" James asked.
"Helga has a boyfriend, score, now my hope of eventually marrying Chris is bigger than ever." Vanessa grinned.
"... Okay then, Emily?" Nova asked.
"Helga was one of my best friends and someone I loved playing the game with." Emily replied, "I'm happy that she's content with her rank."
"And Cole?" James grinned.
"She has muscles, that I have undying respect for." Cole replied.
"So there you have it folks, Helga's happy, has a boyfriend, and is a fan favorite. So rest assured there is enough Helga for everyone." Nova nodded, "You may claim a seat on the peanut gallery."
"Helga will see you at dinner." Helga smiled putting her boyfriend down and sitting between Emily and an empty seat.
"Well we may as well start the people who made it to the merge." James smiled, "And who's better to start that off than Greg?"
"Patrice?" Nova asked.
"And you killed my joke." james sighed, "Roll the footage!"
"FORE!" Yelled a blonde, Scottish looking guy with grey eyes, wearing plaid green golf gear.
"Yeah I can read at a grade 13 level, which is like higher than 8th grade math, wait What does Fore mean?" Patrice asked before a golf ball hit him knocking him out.
"Finally." Summer muttered rolling her eyes. "I thought he'd never shut up about made up things and how he's so smart. I hate guys like that."
"Where did my shot go? It was my best all day, it was like 14 yards." Greg boasted.
"Not impressive." Vanessa muttered. "Chris could do a much better job with a blindfold on.
"Yeah right." Greg muttered, "I'm like a total pro!"
Everyone was silent for a few seconds until Julia popped out of the water spitting Greg's golf ball onto the deck before jumping into the water again yelling "For Narnia!"
"Why does everyone here seem crazy?" Greg asked.
"Because most of them are." Chris growled while Chef was holding Vanessa away from him.
Spader and Greg were watching Patrice pick the last bits of watered down marshmallow out of his eyes.
"That looks painful." Spader commented cringing.
"Why did Chris even throw it at you?" Greg also commented snickering behind Patrice's back.
"I know! He is such a freaking jerk!" Patrice yelled banging the wall with his fist.
"I have eye drops in my bag if you want them. They hurt for fifty seconds then your eyes should be fine." Spader offered.
"Heck no!" Patrice yelled angrily, "You're trying to kill me!"
"No." Spader said panicking.
"You can't just attempt murder for no reason!" Patrice screamed knocking Spader's books off his side table.
"Back off!" Greg yelled pinching Patrice's neck and knocking him out, "let's put him in his bed and pretend this never happened."
"Agreed." Spader said grabbing Patrice by his shoulders.
Greg: I have to come up with far better jokes if I ever want to become a stand up comedian.
Greg was now standing on the stage holding his bagpipes smiling.
"So what is that thing?" Chris asked pointing at Greg's bagpipes.
"These are bagpipes, a wonderful instrument from my homeland of Scotland!" Greg explained his accent really popping up when he said Scotland.
"Well let's get this show on the road I guess." Chris sighed looking at the other two judges who were covering their ears as good as possible.
"What are you two doing?" Chris asked giving the two strange looks.
"Cover your..." Chef began but was cut off by Greg beginning to play the bagpipes, now don't get me wrong here, bagpipes are awesome but Greg is just plain terrible at playing them.
"MAKE IT STOP!" The Intern whined covering his ears while Greg continued to blast terrible music made by the bagpipes.
"I can't!" Chris cried falling off his chair.
"Not half bad." Chef commented raising a 6 for Greg's score.
"I hate it!" Chris yelled holding a 0.1 into the air from where he was on the ground.
"Ditto." The intern agreed holding a 0.9 into the air.
Okay everyone round eight will be feeding you something you've all ran into before." Chris explained as Chef placed several dishes on the table, each containing a large almost as big as the plate cooked piece of Spiderwasp flesh that had flies buzzing around it and in Greg's case was squirming a little bit.
"I hate you." Greg muttered reaching for the mystery dish and uncovering the head of a Spiderwasp, "I defiantly hate you both."
"We're used to it." Chris replied leaning back a little ways in his chair, "Now begin eating!"
"Look at how they sit there." Greg growled, "They act like enemies are no big deal."
"Maybe because Cole and Jill both have the reflexes of jungle cats." Spader replied, "So yeah enemies aren't that big of a deal."
"Well that changes when we attack!" Greg stated.
"What's the plan?" Spader asked.
"I'll tell you when I think of one." Greg replied looking at the sky.
"You better hurry though." Spader muttered, "I have a feeling that they'll pinpoint our location at any time..."
"I win for the thirtieth time in a row!" Jill cheered as Cole punched a hole in the floor of the dock.
"... Actually just take your time." Spader changed his mind.
"Whoa check out how trees are falling over there." Greg stated pointing to where trees were falling in the distance but still moving closer.
"Uh Greg..." Spader started.
"Yes Spader?" Greg asked.
"Whatever's knocking trees over is heading right for us." Spader pointed out as Summer and Clyde suddenly burst through the trees in front of them holding the Weasels first flag.
"HEY!" Greg yelled chasing after them, but the chase soon turned into running for their lives as an extremely angry Helga burst out of the trees roaring.
"I want to see a guy crossdress!" Chris pouted.
"You'd like that wouldn't you." Greg mocked.
"GET UP HERE!" Chris yelled pointing at Greg.
"Okay, okay." Greg replied sticking his hand into the hat and drawing a paper, "Hey I get to be the masterchief from halo!"
"Here's your armour." Chef groaned handing the extremely heavy armour to Greg.
"WHAA!' Greg yelped being brought to the floor by its weight.
"Heh, heh, that's funny Chris laughed as Helga approached Greg and helped him with the armour.
"... Greg." John continued.
"YES!" greg cheered walking forward.
"uhhhhh." Jill stuttered as she stared at Julia and Greg's chariot, "Is that legal."
"Sure it is." Greg replied leaning on the chariot with a smile.
"GRAR!" The mutant growled swiping at Greg.
"I'm pretty sure Ezekiel isn't a mutant." Terrance nodded.
"His spit is acid!" Julia laughed poking the bandages on her arm that had been placed there by Chef earlier.
"THE SUN! IT'S LAUGHING AT US!" Greg yelled with a crazed look in his eyes before turning to it and yelling, "SHUT UP YOU SOLAR TWIT!"
In Greg's mind a deep laughter began to boom.
"ARGH!" Greg screamed.
"How long has it been." Patrice complained now fully clothed with a bored expression on his face.
"I don't know." Teresa shrugged, "But Greg suffering from extreme heatstroke isn't helping."
"Captain! Are those ice cream cones ready?" Greg demanded.
"Nope!" Julia replied, "But I pushed all the buttons fifty seven times each."
"If I don't get those Ice creams right away you're going to walk the plank!" Greg jeered pulling out his golf club and acting like it was a sword, "On guard!"
"Greg please go sit in the shade." Teresa begged.
"Who gave you authority? I demand Ice cream!" Greg yelled swinging his golf club and falling flat on his face.
"Greg, no one's in charge." Teresa sighed.
"Well then I nominate myself for the position." Greg stated, "And she'll be my first mate."
Greg pointed at Julia.
"YAY!" Julia giggled, "I can push all the buttons again!"
"Helga thinks Greg should go sit in the shade with Winter." Helga grunted while Teresa thanked herself for taking the keys out of the ignition before Julia pressed the on button.
"As captain I authorize that request." Greg saluted before staggering over to the little shade the boat had to offer with his albino teammate who was still rocking back and forth muttering ineligible things to herself.
"I've never seen someone suffer from heatstroke that quickly." Spader muttered as he splashed his feet in the water.
"More like heat madness." Patrice muttered.
"BUTTONS!" Julia giggled poking Teresa all over the place.
"What are you doing?" Teresa sighed putting her hand between her fingers.
"Pushing all your buttons." Julia stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "BUTTONS! BUTTONS! BUTTONS!"
"I don't have buttons." Teresa hissed grabbing Julia's hands and pushing her away.
"Can we just stop fighting?" Spader sighed.
"Helga agrees." Helga nodded.
"Oh shut up! You're an ugly girl so who care..." Patrice started but Helga smacked him in the face with a paddle before he could continue.
"Helga dislikes Patrice's." Helga grunted beginning to row again.
"OW!" Patrice yelled.
"ARGH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Greg screamed running at Patrice and shaking him, "GIVE ME ICE CREAM!"
Patrice just slowly pushed Greg away.
"Judging by how far we are from land I'll say that we're about an hour out." Spader judged.
The rest of the team groaned.
"Winter's panicking for no good reason, Julia is pushing my buttons, Greg has heatstroke, and these two won't stop fighting!" Teresa yelled motioning to Patrice and Helga.
"It could be worse." Spader shrugged.
"How." Teresa grumbled.
"Alexa could be on our team." Spader replied.
"You have a point there." Teresa agreed.
"YO HO YO HO A Weasels life for me! We're boring and lame, we're stupid..." Greg sang before Teresa clonked him on the head with her shoe causing him to crumple to the ground.
"This sucks." Spader sighed gazing at the now quite close island that loomed over them.
"Helga will get us there in the next two minutes." Helga assured.
"Finally." Patrice sighed, "This has been taking too long."
"MUTINY!" Greg screamed, "I'm the captain."
"no you aren't." Teresa argued.
"Then she is." Greg stated pointing at Julia.
"No." Teresa growled.
"Yes!" Greg responded.
the two were knocked off their feet as the boat made landfall.
"ICEBERG!" Greg screamed jumping to his feet, "Permission to abandon ship sire!"
"Permission granted." Julia saluted as Greg fell over the edge of the ship.
"Greg? Are you okay?" Teresa asked peering over the edge of the ship.
Greg was lying flat on the sand with his limbs sprawled out.
"Look I'm a starfish." Greg stated.
"Greg?" Kai called as she walked into the medical tent, "I just wanted to see if you were okay, this is purely for that reason and not another stranger one."
"Oh hi Kai." Greg greeted turning to face Kai.
"GREG! YOUR EYE! YOUR HANDSOME EYE!" Kai screamed pointing at Greg's face.
Greg had an eye patch over his eye.
"I knew you liked my face!" Greg cheered.
"Does it hurt?" Kai asked clutching her hands together.
"yes, but it isn't permanent." Greg replied, "But lets move onto more important matters, you think I'm handsome."
"I never said that." kai replied blushing.
"Your cheeks say otherwise." Greg responded pointing at Kai.
"It's just hot in here and..." Kai started but Greg had stood up and kissed her right on the lips before she could continue.
"Deal with it." Greg stated.
"Get over here!" Kai growled kissing Greg again.
Terrance happened to walk by and had to take a second glance.
"OH NO THEY'RE EXCHANGING BACTERIA!" Terrance screamed running away straight into a tree.
Kai shrugged and kissed Greg again.
"Was Terrance drunk for that last clip?" Greg asked walking from backstage rubbing his check and wearing a suit as well as his eye patch.
"No, he's just a little afraid of germs." James replied.
"You don't know fear of germs till you meet my friend Roxanne." Greg grumbled, "But anyway can we hurry with this I want to get back to kissing my lady friend."
"We have to interview her next." James replied.
"Shame, she and me go together like cheese whiz and pickles." Greg grinned.
"Ewww!' Nova gagged.
"Don't hate it till you try it." Greg replied, "So I take it you're Nova and James."
"Guilty." James replied, "And we're here to ask you a bunch of questions and maybe go through some fan mail."
"Awesome!" Greg grinned, "Fire away."
"Okay then, what did you think of Total Drama?" Nova asked.
"Well I wish I hadn't been on a team with Patrice." Greg shuddered, "But besides that I made some cool friends, won a few challenges, made the merge, and got a girlfriend."
"Cool, but is Spader still your friend?" James asked.
"Probably..." Greg trailed, "We'll have to see at his interview."
"Agreed." James nodded, "Someone make a note of that."
"So Greg, You outlasted eight other people and made the merge, how does that feel?" Nova asked.
"Well I kind of wish I hadn't knocked Spader off and maybe got eliminated from the challenge earlier because I'd still be there if I hadn't." Greg explained, "Spader betraying me comes at no surprise since I went all Villainous on him for a few seconds."
"You do realize Chris has labeled you as a villain because of that?" James asked.
"Yeah but it was fun." Greg replied with a smile, "And if Chris does another season with Heroes and Villains I'm very likely to return, well more likely than anyone this season."
"I guess." Nova shrugged, "But since when does Chris repeat things?"
"Season five's challenges." Greg replied.
"Moving on, What Challenges did you like? You were kind of negative about them all." James asked.
"Well if I had to choose a form of torture I'd prefer... most likely the talent show, I hate performing in front of crowds but there wasn't much of a crowd to throw things at me this time." Greg answered.
"Yeah I'd hate to play an instrument in front of a large group of people." Nova nodded.
"So Greg, how was your team?" James asked.
"Terrible." greg replied, "Spader was my pal but besides that none of the girls talked to me and Patrice was just..."
"Patrice." Helga stated.
"Exactly!" Greg agreed, "Oh and Helga you talked to me occasionally so you were nice."
"Sorry Greg but I was always hanging out with Teresa and Winter." Emily stated.
"It's fine, now that I'm here I've been socializing more." Greg shrugged.
"Yeah with Kai's face." Theodore whispered to Billy.
"I've been wondering for a while what you would've done with the million." Nova explained, "Care to let us know."
"I actually just came on the show for the experience, I didn't care about the cash." Greg replied, "My dad has a collage fund set up already so I didn't even need it."
"Oh... okay then." Nova shrugged, "That's cool."
"So want to see who voted for you?" James asked.
"Pass." Greg replied, "Me and Kai have been talking and we'd rather keep that stuff behind us so don't go asking her who voted her out GOT IT!"
"Understood." James gulped.
"Who do you want to win then?" Nova demanded.
"Spader all the way." Greg replied, "Can I see fan mail now?"
"Of course." James nodded, "INTERN!"
An intern dragged a medium sized sack of letters over and James dug into it eagerly.
"Okay so this first one's from Tyrone Bellita." James read, "And he writes: Dear Greg, Julia had nicknames for a lot of people, how did you feel to be called Gerg?"
"Okay Julia thought Spader's name was Brian, she refers to Terrance as Benson when she's mad, and she doesn't recognize herself in mirrors, I think I got a good nickname from her, I could've been called something weird or worse, offensive." Greg shuddered, "Julia needs to go and not win the money because otherwise she'll just eat it and call it good."
"Yeah Julia's a little crazy." Nova nodded.
"A little?" Theodore asked making Billy laugh.
Nova had opened another letter and was now reading it over, "This one's good: Dear Greg, What is your most romantic fantasy about a date with Kai? From: FrostPrince."
"Well my most romantic fantasy would be on vacation in Mexico where we can eat lobster at a resort restaurant. Kai loves seafood you see." Greg explained.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like something else?" Theodore asked.
"Keep your perverted mind out of my romance!" Greg ordered.
Theodore stuck his tongue out at Greg due to this.
james cut another letter open and after reading it he recoiled in disgust and threw the letter away before drawing another one, "Okay so a fan named Bevis writes: Greg, How does it feel to have been dragged around by Helga during the Episode where Theodore tried to take the island over?"
"Well Helga made that pretty enjoyable so cant complain." Greg replied, "It was embarrassing sure but so was Theodore's paper cut!"
"SHUT UP!" Theodore screamed.
"Oh look he's angry." Greg stated in deadpan.
"Moving on." Nova stated opening a forth letter, "Dear Greg, Why did you turn on Spader in the Hunger Gamers challenge? You two could have given Patrice the boot if you didn't pull an evil, backstabbing, deceiving move like that? -Jackpot 2."
"Okay I believed that he was already out or that I could beat him, yeah it was villainous but how was I supposed to know Chris didn't fire the cannon a few times to many?" Greg asked, "But yeah I kind of regret it because Patrice could've been here and me and Kai could still be in the game."
"Well I think that answered their question." Nova stated as James opened a fifth letter.
"Dear Greg, I hated you, you were always negative, weird, and you were obsessed, I think you should go to..." james stated but stopped reading halfway through and threw the letter away, "Inappropriate."
"Well I can see how some people could hate me but being negative is part of who I am and I cant change it, so either deal with it or change the channel because I'm not killing myself anytime soon." Greg stated dryly.
"Well I think that's enough fan mail for a while, how about we see what your fellow competitors think about you!" Nova exclaimed, "Mona you can start."
"Why do you wear a shirt, are you embarrassed by your lack of six pack?" Mona asked.
"No." Greg replied bluntly.
"Theodore?" Nova asked.
"Greg was knocked out when I tried to destroy the show so he's alright." Theodore shrugged.
"That doesn't help my newfound status as a villain does it?" Greg asked.
Helga shook her head no in response.
"Greg refused to buy stuff so he can burn in ****." Billy swore while keeping a marketing smile the whole time.
"Greg was no Chris but he was okay when he wasn't complaining." Vanessa explained, "A lot better than... TERESA!"
"Greg was a little negative but he meant well when he did things, betraying Spader though... Not cool." Emily stated crossing her arms in the process.
"Yeah I know." Greg sighed, "But It's nice to know some people like me."
"Yeah I didn't know you, care about you, even look at you. Meh." Cole shrugged.
"Well that wraps up your interview Greg." Nova stated.
"I may be a... you know what I have no clue if i'm really a hero or villain, but I played a good game and I hope everyone can respect that." greg grinned standing up and walking over to his seat next to Theodore.
"**** off!" Theodore ordered.
"That's it!" Nova yelled standing angrily, "I don't care how rich you are and how much power your company has but I am done with your attitude."
"What are you going to do about it?" Theodore asked with a laugh.
"me? Nothing." nova replied sitting down with a smirk.
Theodore felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to Face a professional kickboxer with a grudge against him.
"... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Theodore screamed running away in absolute fear from Yvonne.
"I love this job." nova grinned leaning back.
"She's a ninja." James stated.
"She has a Scottish boyfriend." Nova added.
"And she lives with about fourteen peo- WILL YOU SHUT UP!" James yelled at Theodore.
"I can't when this psycho is trying to kill me!" Theodore yelled before Yvonne grabbed his legs and dragged him screaming into the shadows.
"Anyway it's Kai." Nova concluded.
"hi!" Kai greeted suddenly in the chair and scaring everyone in the premise.
"Okay that was creepy." James stated.
"hot." Greg argued.
"No it's just creepy." James replied.
"Roll the footage!" Nova ordered over the arguing.
"The Drama continues with the introduction of Kai" Chris exclaimed pointing at an empty boat that had just pulled up."
"YOU CALLED!" a Black haired, black eyed, Asian girl wearing an unzipped orange sweater, green shirt, blue jeans, and a purple toque popped out of nowhere.
"Ahhhhhhh!" everyone screamed, shocked by her sudden appearance.
"Uhhh, this is Kai everyone." Chris said settling down. "She's a samurai!"
"I'm a ninja actually, right place wrong Job." Kai responded striking a pose, Ninja style.
"I believe it M'lady." Patrice said bowing, "Is it hard being a Ninja."
"Yes it is quite hard, but the skills are useful in real life." Kai replied happily.
"That's what she said." Billy whispered to Cole.
"Ahaha! Not funny." Cole Growled angrily glaring at Billy.
"So Kai... where did she go." Summer asked looking around.
"YOU CALLED!" Kai yelled from behind Summer and Cole who froze the moment she appeared.
"That is really weird." Winter shuddered.
"I know right." John muttered emptying water from his boots.
"This girl is kind of creepy." Greg whispered to Summer.
"Awww just give her a chance Greg, or should I say Nessie true believer." Summer mocked smirking at the angry expression Greg had plastered on his face.
"Shut up you!" Greg hissed, but it was kind of hard to take him seriously with his accent. "And we all know she be real deep down."
"Yeah, deep down in wherever you're head is, oh wait it's in your butt." Cole said while Summer awed like Greg was a cute baby that had just done something adorable.
"It'd not be funny young sir, or adorable young lassie, I be off in a huff." Greg yelled walking over to where Patrice and Kai were standing.
"Greg's annoyance is funny, but we must continue." Chris laughed.
"Giggling is too girly girl for my tastes." Jill sighed, "Why can't we just laugh and be found attractive?"
"Three words: Testosterone Filled Males. Like Patrice." Summer replied sitting down on her bed.
"That is true." Kai replied glancing at Summer.
"I wonder if guys ever complain about estrogen filled females." Jill pondered putting her forefinger to her chin.
"Probably not most guys." Kai sighed.
"Why the long face Kai?" Jill asked.
"It's nothing." Kai replied.
"It's something." Summer argued, "Tell me!"
"No." Kai growled suddenly defensive.
"Tell me!" Summer repeated.
"No!" Kai yelled waving her arms in the air.
"Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME! TELLMETELLMETELLMETELLMETELL..." Summer repeated in an annoying manner.
"OK FINE!" Kai yelled over the noise, "My boyfriend cheated on me just before I left because I wasn't pretty enough."
"He was a jack***!" Summer yelled.
"Summer you potty mouth!" Jill joked, "You're going to leave like Theodore if you keep speaking like that!"
"He had a bad influence on me!" Summer argued before jokingly saying, "Now leave me alone so I can go party and get drunk mom!"
"You've been smoking haven't you young lady!" Jill responded playing her part.
"I kid, I haven't even tried drinking in my life, heck I don't even go to that many parties." Summer explained.
"What's it like not having the title of nerd on your head?" Jill asked.
"Pretty lame actually." Summer replied remembering school, "I have like no real friends, they're just fake basically because we never hang out or do anything."
"I hate popularity." Kai muttered.
Kai: It will take time, it will take effort but I will cure Winter of her fear of water.
"For the second course we have a beautiful dish made of cooked beetle salad." Chris explained as Chef passed dishes to everyone and put an especially big plate in front of Kai, "Of course they're spiced with Chef's favorite blend of ground barf flavored plant seeds."
"What's the mystery dish?" Kai asked quickly.
"Uncover it and you either have to quit or eat the entire thing." Chris explained as Kai reached for the plate and uncovered it to find live raw beetles in poison ivy.
"I'm out!" Kai panicked throwing the plate against the wall and dashing out of the hall as quickly as possible.
Kai and Terrance had set up their flag in plain sight below the thousand foot cliff. Terrance sat next to the flag pretending to not pay attention while Kai hid in a nearby crevice with her gun pointed at the bushes nearby.
"I think my rash is starting to peel." Terrance muttered to himself while he prodded his arm with the back of his water gun.
"I don't think anyone will show up anytime soon." Kai sighed jumping down from her hiding spot and swatting Terrance's hand away from his arm, "Don't do that."
Can we move the flag now?" Terrance asked with a sigh, "No one has found us in ages."
"You get whiny when you have an allergic reaction." Kai giggled, "And no, if no one's found us yet they probably won't anytime soon."
"I can't believe the guards at their first flag haven't looked down yet." Terrance laughed looking up at the top of the cliff.
"Maybe they have no guards." Kai shrugged, "But we shouldn't concern ourselves with the offensive maneuver Summer came up with."
"I recall you dragged me away before Summer explained that part." Terrance argued.
"You're hopeless." Kai replied, "We can rest assured that we're not being hunt..."
Kai was cut off by Winter slamming into her and holding Kai's arms away from the flag strapped to her back.
"What luck!" Terrance exclaimed before Teresa tackled him.
"Lucky for us that you weren't paying attention." Teresa laughed wrestling Terrance for his gun.
""OUCH! Please mind the sunburnt rash!" Terrance yowled as Teresa brushed her arm against his.
"Sorry about this." Teresa apologized before she slapped Terrance's arm as hard as she could.
"SWEET MOTHER OF... GYAAAAAH!" Terrance screamed rolling around on the sand in an attempt to stop the pain.
"MOVE WINTER!" Teresa ordered while Winter rolled out of Kai's arms.
"You forgot your flag." Kai laughed before she got a spray of water from the gun Teresa had swiped from Terrance.
"I'll take that." Winter replied grabbing the flag from Kai's outstretched hand before she was swarmed by a lot of bees.
"NOOOoooo..." Kai screamed before passing out while the stings began to swell.
"Who?" Kai asked, "Legolas, The nostalgia critic, Mabel, Dr. Who, Link..."
"You're James Bond!" Chris exclaimed as a suit and fake gun were chucked at Kai.
Well all that's left is Kai." Teresa stated.
"I see I have no choice in the matter so I'll just go along." Kai replied.
"Well..." Patrice trailed.
"Well I live with a huge family from Japan but I was born in Canada." Kai interrupted, "And no we're not illegal immigrants Patrice. Anyway we live in suburban Edmonton in a nice little neighborhood with low crime."
"There are areas of Edmonton without crime?" Patrice gasped in disbelief.
Kai responded by picking a stick off the ground and after pausing for a few seconds whacked her opponent over the head with it.
"As I was saying, we live in quite a big house since I have a lot of siblings and lots of relatives." Kai explained.
"How big Is your house?" Terrance asked raising his hand.
"It's a custom built mansion made by pooling my family's profits for seven years." Kai stated, "Money can be used smartly."
"I'm surprised a bunch of stupid Asians know anything about money." Patrice laughed, "I know they like math but being smart? Nope, they're only good at math."
"My mother is a graduated microbiologist and works for a biology lab in the states where she breeds and tests virus's in order to find ways to stop pandemics and you say all she can do is math?" Kai asked.
"Well yeah all you need to do that job is math." Patrice shrugged.
Almost everyone face palmed while Patrice inwardly smirked.
"I'll just ignore him." Kai sighed, "My father is the owner of a small animation department that works for Disney while the rest of my family works various jobs around the city except my older relatives who are obviously old and frail. So most of us kids do the cleaning and whatnot while the parents make the money needed to fuel our family, we're not rich or anything, we just all live together and everyone does their share otherwise we'd fall apart."
"I wish my family worked that way." Terrance stated, "Everyone but Katharine does their share."
"Maybe she just needs a good punishment." Kai replied.
"Trust me, she's a moody selfish jerk with no respect for anyone, we've tried but she just keeps ignoring us." Terrance replied, "You'd think she'd have a bit of respect for the two people who gave her chromosomes."
"Well in my family if you don't do your job it'll be your job until it gets done, and it has to be done every day. So if I skip dishwashing I still have to do it plus I do it again tomorrow as well as the job that would've been rotated to me anyway." Kai replied.
"Well that must build up quickly." Terrance replied.
"Yeah, when I forgot to do dishes for a week while my parents were on vacation I ended up doing them for two months." Kai shrugged.
"That is where being an only child has disadvantages." Teresa stated, "I have a lot of chores."
"Me and my dad do some but we live in a suburban house with three bedrooms so cleaning is easy." Greg replied.
"Well I have to cook." Teresa replied.
"Hey don't judge my fathers love for appetizers and leftovers." Greg retorted, "We love mini pizzas and anything containing shrimp."
"How did the conversation get all the way from Kai to food again?" Terrance asked.
"It's best not to ask." John replied.
"Well I'm off to hit the hay." Kai stated stretching, "Summer's got first watch so I'll try to get as much sleep as possible."
"Where's Winter?" Summer asked.
"Speak again and I'll stab you!' Kai threatened.
"No seriously where's Winter?" Summer asked again.
"HYAAAH!" Kai screamed charging at Summer With a knife, "STOP KILLING PEOPLE!"
Pete screamed and climbed the wall until he sat on the rafters like an owl.
Patrice just looked out of his furniture fort with a suspicious look on his face.
"THIS IS FOR VOTING OFF MY BOYFRIEND!" Kai screamed missing Summer and having the knife ripped from her hands and pointed at her by Summer.
"I DIDN'T VOTE GREG OFF!" Summer screamed kicking Kai back and looking at her angrily.
"Yes you did." Kai hissed throwing a chair at Summer.
"EEP!" Summer screamed ducking under it.
"You were my friends but it turns out you were just going to kill me." Kai stated.
"It's a game, it didn't have to come to this." Summer replied, "You could've still seen Greg again but no! You had to piss everyone off because you'd lost something!"
"I always lose at everything!" Kai yelled making Summer pause.
"What?" Summer asked.
"I never win at things, I'm always second or worse." kai sighed sitting down, "So winning a boyfriend and losing him was a huge blow to my pride."
"And sanity." Patrice added.
A knife was embedded above his head a moment later.
"I didn't know." Summer stated, "But did you have to be such an annoyance about it?"
"No... I just wanted to find someone to blame, and I kind of took it out on you guys." Kai sighed.
"Well I still owe you a shopping spree." Summer replied kneeling next to her friend.
"That might make me feel better." Kai smiled.
"Friends?" Summer asked.
"Friends." kai replied hugging her.
As the two girls embraced the lights went out.
"Kai?" Summer asked before the lights came back on and she saw a knife in Kai's jugular.
The scream she emitted was so high pitched only dogs could hear it
... Pete!" Chris finished as Kai and her alliance grew shocked expressions.
"Bu-bu-but I had a safety net." Kai stammered.
"Yeah and you got eight out of thirteen votes." Chris replied, "Everyone felt threatened by your boyfriends gift apparently."
"I guess I should've expected this." Kai sighed, "I understand though."
"Sorry Kai." Pete apologized, "You were a threat."
Kai smiled.
"Better a threat than elimination fodder." Kai grinned.
"Indeed." Pete nodded.
"Unless you have the Mclean brand immunity statue you're off." Chris stated.
"Wait when did you add an immunity statue?" Clyde asked.
"... Dang it!" Chris groaned slapping his forehead, "There's an immunity statue shaped like my beautiful head out there somewhere and please use it dramatically."
"Okay that could've helped." Kai sighed, "But I'll see at least ten of you before the finale, good luck."
"Thanks." Winter mumbled.
With that Kai stepped aboard the boat of losers and it drove off into the night to reunite her with her boyfriend.
"Well you left out every scene with me helping Winter." Kai stated dryly.
"Eh those will show up at her interview." james shrugged as Theodore staggered past with multiple bruises and passed out on the ground.
"So shall we start?" Nova asked.
"Lead on." James replied.
"So Kai was Total Drama what you expected?" Nova asked.
"I was actually surprised, in past seasons they've had some pretty weird stuff go down but with a Maniac stalker, Julia, and mutants it was one heck of a crazy season." Kai replied, "I think my team was a lot more sane though.
"Agreed." Emily nodded from the peanut gallery.
"The Wicked Weasels were one crazy team." James laughed, "But I was wondering, you managed to outlast nine other people, how does that feel?"
"I could've done better but I'm glad I made the merge at least, even though Chris pulled a psycho challenge on us yesterday." Kai replied.
"Yeah that was pretty weird." Nova laughed, "I assume you wont be reading any murder mysteries anytime soon?"
"You've got that right." Kai nodded rapidly.
"Did you even have a favorite challenge?" James asked, "Because most of them this season were very painful."
"Well if I had to choose I'd say the Temple one." Kai replied, "It was my own fault I was cut out of it but I got to bother Patrice so... BONUS!"
"That was a very enjoyable scene." Nova grinned, "I'm guessing you felt the same way about some members of your own team?"
"Cole wasn't bad for the first part but the moment he was deprived of tobacco he went all full time bully on us." Kai shuddered.
"Hey just be glad I'm nothing like my little brother Brutus." Cole replied, "I may be mean but I at least have a soft side."
"I can't believe you about any family you speak of." Kai replied.
"I'm not lying we sometimes have a competition to see who can steal more money from kids and he always wins, and gets arrested." Cole replied.
"Billy was also terrible, along with know it all here." Kai replied pointing at Theodore.
"Who actually likes Theodore though?" Nova asked.
Kai shrugged.
"Question about the prize but what would you have done with the million?" James asked.
"Well I'd fund my education to become a seamstress." kai replied, "I'm very good at it."
"That's smart, most teenagers would blow it on a party." Nova sighed.
"What have you never been to a party?" James asked.
"No. And before you ask I don't want to attend a social gathering where people will hit on me and kill their brain cells." Nova stated.
"Okay, I wasn't going to ask anyway." James replied.
"Liar." Vanessa coughed.
"So Greg clarified the votes situation?" Nova asked.
"Yep." Kai nodded.
"Well then who do you want to win?" Nova asked.
"Well I have to either say Jill or Summer, I wrongfully accused them of betraying me when I should've trusted them, I wonder what they'll do now that I'm gone." Kai sighed, "There are way too many guys right now."
"Most of them are friendly." James stated.
"Yeah But Patrice is still there." Kai replied.
"True." Nova nodded, "Now do you want to see some fan mail?"
"heck yeah!" Kai cheered as an Intern handed James a moderate sized sack and he dug his hand into it and pulled a small yellow envelope out.
"Dear Kai, Why did you go all Crazy when Greg was voted out? and don't give me any of that I never win crud!" James read, "from the OC Lord."
"Well I had just hooked up so it's to be expected that I'd be mad, emotions were high and I scared everyone including Winter. I really can't explain it, it was like an ancient estrogen demon possessed me until I was murdered." Kai explained, "I'm sorry if I pissed you off."
"Cool answer." Nova nodded opening another letter, "Dear Kai, What's it like being a ninja? From: The Man."
"Well one of my ancestors trained ninjas during the feudal era and the tradition to teach the family it has been just that, tradition, so my entire Ninja lifestyle is surrounded by honour and traditional values, of course that doesn't stop me from sitting on the couch and doing dishes but I am a trained assassin." kai explained, "Good question though."
"Dear Kai, How does it feel to be a dirty Jap?" James read in disgust, "From Etaripasawihsiw."
"Okay thanks for using a derogatory term!" Kai yelled, "Because I'm Japanese apparently makes your little brain think of the bad things my people have done instead of the peaceful, technological, and humanitarian advancements they've accomplished in the last few years, Yeah do whatever the **** you want because I don't care. You can live in the world war two era all you want but this is the twenty first century and I guarantee you will have no positive benefits to society you racist son of a ******* *****!"
Everyone was shocked by this outburst as Kai composed herself.
"In short, **** you." Kai stated.
"Moving on..." James trailed.
"Dear Kai, do you smoke weed?" Nova read.
"No." kai stated bluntly.
"I think we'll wrap this up here." James stated, "Mona what did you think of Kai?"
"You're a ****." Mona stated.
"Gee thanks." kai growled.
"I concur." Billy nodded.
"Make that three of us." Theodore groaned standing up only to be bowled over by Yvonne's foot.
"Kai, I really didn't see you except during challenges." Vanessa admitted, "So I have no reason to hurt you unless you dislike Chris."
"Thanks?" Kai replied a little quizzically.
"I thought Kai was hard working and a good competitor, but you were quick to believe someone when they told you something." Emily explained, "But who's flawless?"
"Kai was okay I guess." Cole shrugged, "She could pull her weight in challenges."
"Well Kai that wraps up your interview and this segment." Nova explained, "I think we can be sure that next time you see us we'll be having one heck of a dramatic show."
"Agreed." james nodded, "Until next time, I'm James Letterman."
"And I'm Nova Moonbeam." Nova added.
"And this has been Interviewing time!" James exclaimed before the lights turned off, "Okay I never planned this but how do we find the exit now?"
Campers (12): Jill, Luke/Sly, Summer, Julia, Terrance, Teresa, Winter, Spader, Patrice, John, Pete, Clyde
Eliminated (10): Mona, Theodore, Billy, Vanessa, Emily, Cole, Alexa, Helga, Greg, Kai
Interns: Jesslyn (Black hair in a ponytail and glasses. She's in charge of editing the episode and sending the good parts to the production team.), Wallace: (the fat one), Jeff (Has an English accent and is the main cameraman. He has black hair, Green eyes, and always wears a scarf), Rajesh (Indian one: He is the chief medical intern) , and the one they all call Steven.
There you go OC Lord, I did a classic competitor cameo. God I've been getting a few requests lately, This one was usable but the sheer amount of you that want Izzy to show up around Julia is just... Insane. And yes that Cameo will show up eventually. Ever since Ezekiel made a cameo you guys seem really positive towards these, requests include Sierra, Heather, and Noah. My question is why no Revenge of the Island contestants? Oh well, If you do want a cameo i'll try to work it in somewhere.
Anyway so how was the latest and greatest chapter? It finally reached the goal I wanted, to be over 10,000 words every time! Well except Bonus Material but anyway... I hope this answered some questions and I think we're always happy to see some of the eliminated campers again. But besides that this chapter was written quickly but I took a while longer than I'd hoped due to the class above me's graduation.
Next Time: Out on a lake for ten hours... With Julia! Join us next time for an epic monster hunt that'll take more than a few funny moments to complete.