I'm reaching into the distance, gasping for air. "Must...finish...story..." Just kidding guys. I've been so busy these past few months though because I've had to stay with my grandma for a while and school is just killing me! Luckily I only have a week left, and then I'll be updating regularly, I promise!
I love all of you guys, and I hope I didn't loose any of you with my irregular updating habits! This chapter is cute, if I do say so myself. Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-One – Finnick
Self-loathing isn't really a new concept for me, but this time it seems to be a lot harder.
There's been books about it… love.
When I first became a mentor, I searched for that a lot. In the Capitol, I would read books at the training center, just trying to figure out exactly what it meant. I know one thing though, it's not found in a quick night in bed with someone you've just meant.
However, the books are also wrong.
It's not found in physical contact either. Nothing to do with appearance or lust.
There's just that person that completes you.
Annie is that person.
The problem is that Annie could be that person for anyone. She's perfect.
She could be that person for Jax.
It's hard to make sense of what's going through my mind, and I lean against the counter for a long time, forcing myself not to call Annie back and beg her to forgive me.
If President Snow has some hidden cameras around here to make sure I did my job, I bet he's getting a sick laugh out of this.
For the first time in forever, I'm trying to hold back from collapsing and just forgetting everything.
For some reason, Haymitch Abernathy's drunk smile flashes in my mind. Maybe I should have just turned to alcohol. I bet we would have become great drinking buddies.
I go upstairs and get in the shower, even though I took one before I called Annie. I let the water run over me for a long time, not moving. I try to push it away, but I can't stop thinking about Annie. I want to go over there so badly, just to make sure she's okay, but that would be so selfish of me. I can only hope she took my advice to call Jax.
Hopefully he would make her feel better, because it would be too self-centered if I ever touched her again. Even brushing her hair away from her eyes would be too much to ask.
I get out when the water runs too cold to stand. I'm angry that my sore body isn't enough to distract me from my faults. At least something physical would pull me out of for just a minute. I consider playing piano, but my mom is already asleep.
I wonder into my room, but as soon as I see the stars that Annie painted on my ceiling, my stomach rolls. I can't take it. I whirl around and run down the steps, already contemplating how I will beg her to forgive me. I swing the front door open so hard that it hits the wall with a crack that I'm sure woke my mother.
I'm halted in my tracks though, as I see a small girl with long dark hair and bright green eyes looking at me with an unfathomable expression on her lovely face. Her arm is raised as though she was just about to knock.
I stand there for a second, balling my hands into fists so that I don't touch her. It doesn't work though, because she steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist very tightly and rests her head on my chest.
I push her arms lightly, trying to get her off, to realize what a mistake she is making by being here. The sick thing is, that I can't imagine her with Jax either. I try to swallow, but my throat is too dry.
"Annie-"
"Don't bother." She mutters, still not letting go.
I'm taken back to the train before her games because of that statement. A part of the old Annie comes out from where she's buried it. She's still as stubborn when she likes to be.
"I love you so much." I choke.
In the morning, Annie is still asleep when I wake up. I cover her up with the blanket and watch the sun rays peak through the window and touch her face, causing it to glow. I make her breakfast, and when my mom comes down, she doesn't take any stabs at Annie for once.
All mistakes come with consequences, even the ones you were forced to commit by an evil, self-centered old man.
Though Annie I don't leave each other's sides for the next four months, Jax hardly leaves us be. Annie thinks he's wonderful, of course, and I'll forever be amazed by her ability to see the good in every sort of situation. She's like an innocent child, complimenting the upside of everyone she meets. I even see it when we go to town to shop. Though it's easy to see that her eyes are sometimes far away, she never fails to leave me smiling.
Then again, maybe it's only me that sees those qualities. The books I've read say that love does that to you. However, when I looked before, I had nothing to compare it to. When we go to the Captiol for Jax's Victory Tour, I'll be sure to scour the pages again, this time only reaffirming something I already understand.
"You're thinking about the victory tour?" Annie whispers to me one morning in Mags' guestroom. I didn't know she was awake. I roll over to her and smile because waking up to her every morning never gets old.
"Are you a mind reader?" I kiss her on the nose.
"You always bite your lip when you think about bad things." She says quietly, like she's afraid I'll be angry with her.
"I wasn't thinking about bad things. I was just thinking about the books I want to read."
I brush her cheek with my fingers, and her eyes flutter shut. It's quiet for a while, allowing me to hear the wails of seagulls in the distance combined with the wind drifting through the open window.
Just as I am being lulled into that place between sleeping and waking, I hear Annie's voice. "Do you want to build a boat?"
That would normally startle people, her abrupt randomness. I know that something led her there though. Her mind may not be all the way here, but that doesn't mean it isn't somewhere else, in a place the rest of us aren't lucky enough to see.
"A boat? Why?"
"I don't know, Finnick." Her green eyes look just to the side of my head. This isn't one of the rare times where she looks me in the eye. "I just… I want to."
"I have a boat, Love." I smile at her gently, hoping this doesn't have something to do with her fear of drowning. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night, afraid to go to the restroom because she thinks the faucet is dangerous.
"But not a boat that you own. A boat that you possess, but the Capitol owns. If you build it yourself, it's yours." She shrugs like it's the most normal thing in the world. She's right, but I don't see the point. I'll do it if she wants to though, it's not like we don't have the time. We mostly spend our days in Mags' living room, playing games or talking. Sometimes Annie paints, or I'll read them a book, and Mags mumbles and giggles along with whatever we do.
"I have a lot of things that are mine, Annie…" She plays with the collar of my shirt, distracting me and causing me to trail off midsentence.
"I'm yours."
"Knock knock!" Jax walks into Mags' kitchen, carrying fresh bread.
Mags' smiles her gummy smile at him and reaches out her arms in a gesture of welcome. Like Annie, she's fully impressed by Jax too. I still can't place why I'm not fond of him, though I know something is there. Maybe it's just the fact that you can't tell he's a Victor.
With everyone else, you can see it in their eyes. You just know.
With Jax, nothing. He could still be the innocent schoolboy he was last year, fixing boats with his father. Maybe I'm just jealous.
"Guess what, Jax?"
"What is it, Annie?" He instantly beams when he looks at her, focusing all his attention on her beautiful pale face.
I shift uneasily, and Mags shoots me a glance with raised eyebrows. It's like she knows my every thought. I feel the urge to leave the room, but I take the bread from the table and begin to cut it.
"We're going to built a boat!"
I'll give Jax credit for one thing, he definitely doesn't think Annie is crazy. Or if he does, he doesn't show it. He doesn't seem the least bit surprised about Annie's sudden desire, and his eyes actually light up with excitement.
"You're going to help, right?"
He puts his arm on her shoulder. "Of course," He looks at me before adding, "What brought this on, may I ask?"
"To own something that's not the Capitol's." I say, looking at Annie for confirmation. She nods, but she twitches when I say the word "Capitol."
"Rebellious, aren't we?" His tone is playful, but the words seem to have a challenging note to them. "Are you sure that this is okay?" He seems to put the emphasis on the last word, and I shift uneasily again.
"It's okay." Annie says quietly.
The room has a weird atmosphere suddenly.
I decide to studiously ignore it and pass out the bread. Maybe in this whole boat adventure, I'll be able to find a legitimate excuse to stay away from Jax.
Boy, do I have plans for this story... strange, I always have the best ideas at one in the morning... but stuff is about to get interesting. Please leave a comment if you have time!