A/N: I realized, with the advent of chapter 619, that I really wanted to include the four Hokage. Mostly because I think Hashirama is hilarious. But bringing them back to life would break the rules for necromancy in the PC… so it's a REALLY good thing that I have my imagination to come up with a solution. Because I did. Come up with a solution, that is. And it's amazing. You'll have to wait a few chapters (so… two to four months, I think? I'll be doing a special update around the anniversary the way I did for Fly Free), but you'll see them. And possibly another dead Kage as well (though only a few people will probably be able to guess which one).

ALSO! Anyone remember my Kakashi Time travel oneshot? Shattered by Time? It got second place in Nezkov-Sou's contest, and I recently got a the prize, which was a full body picture of Agent Opal, including my final decision on her day-to-day outfit, and a really good look at how I imagine her hair, expression, and body language. The link is in my profile, and I highly recommend that you go look at it. The only thing really missing is the scars, and those are only gone because of the way her head is turned. The picture is amazing, but the artist in question thinks he did a bad job, so go and comment on it if you have an account on DA. Comments on DA pictures are even less common than reviews on FFnet stories. So go. Shoo. Look at it.

o.o.o.o.o

Sakura was uncomfortable where she was. She was too small, too cute, too weak to do anything. She was incapable of holding off anyone and everyone that was human… and it was just her luck that every last one of the Akatsuki, even the ones that should be dead, could change back to human form.

Last night had been… odd. The civilian girl, Jade, had wasted no time in having the half-dressed priest, Hidan, explain to them the rules that had been set up over the several months that the Akatsuki had spent there so far. At least the rules weren't too constrictive. They were sensible for the most part, the reasoning behind them sound. But…

It was a little terrifying. The Akatsuki had been here long enough to each be at least a pound or two heavier than her and the rest of the new arrivals (though she was almost definitely the smallest one there), and could turn human in a moment if they had to. And yet, despite that, she and the others were stuck as kittens until their own 'cures' (so unbelievable, that) could be found. Smaller than the Akatsuki members (except that one boy, Juugo, the orange one; he was enormous), less capable, they couldn't defend themselves. Naruto had even mentioned… even mentioned that he couldn't feel the Kyuubi.

Sakura couldn't help but be thankful for the rule that prevented people from fighting or killing each other. Sure, Jade seemed to occasionally ignore certain fights (Sakura was sure she had heard at least one erupt between the water boy and the girl with the strange red hair on Sasuke's new te…

Sasuke.

So much came from that one word, that one name. Dear Kami, he was just a few feet away, just on the other side of the paper wall. And Sakura, much as she wanted to, didn't dare go and try to start a confrontation with him.

Not when Hidan sat only a short way away, half-asleep but still alert enough, with his scythe in hand and ready to strike down anyone that broke these rules.

The rules did suit Hidan, when he wanted them to.

o.o.o.o.o

What did Karin and Suigetsu argue about?

Suigetsu needed to use the bathroom (litter box).

He was terrified of Orochimaru.

He didn't want to go while Orochimaru might be nearby.

Karin wanted him to stop pacing.

Suigetsu was still terrified of the revived snake man.

Suigetsu was pacing to try to relieve the tension in his bladder.

Karin was annoyed and lashed out.

God forbid anyone have the need to go tinkle at the same time as Orochimaru.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade ignored the paper cage as she came down the stairs, yawning and stretching, at almost noon. Bleary eyes looked over the area and moved on to the sole human occupant of the house other than her.

"Morning."

Hidan raised an eyebrow in her direction, and then glanced at the clock.

"Don't even think about it." Jade gave a preemptive admonishment, rubbing the back of her neck as she rolled it and yawned again. "I got a good night's sleep for the first time in months. I'm tired of dealing with your bulls***, Hidan."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know you're thinking it."

Hidan chuckled, but it was surprisingly good-natured.

Mewling noises came from the paper cage again, and then yet more from the basket that Akatsuki normally used (Jade noted that she'd need to get more places for them to sleep soon). She groaned and rubbed at her eyes. "Come on, this early in the morning?"

"It's ele—"

"You don't have the right to talk." Jade interrupted him irritably, waving a hand sharply in his direction. Hidan blinked in surprise, and put his hands up in surrender.

"O…kay?"

Jade sighed. "Just… did you already give everyone food? Everyone got to go to the bathroom and whatnot?"

"Yeah…"

"Joy." She rubbed the heel of one palm into her eye. "I think Suigetsu's cure is probably the same as Kisame's was, so we could probably get him over with right now. It'll work as proof, at least. Probably."

Hidan shrugged. "Do you want me to get him?"

"Yeah, you do that. I'll make some breakfast for myself."

When Hidan came back with Suigetsu in his hands, Jade raised an eyebrow at the scratches on his arms. "Let me guess: he didn't come quietly?"

"He's a dumba**." Hidan growled, glaring at the kitten that he was holding out at arm's length. The kitten glared back.

Jade sighed again. "Alright, get him over here. I've got a bowl ready, in case getting him wet isn't enough and actual submersion is required.

If it was possible for a kitten to look conflicted, Suigetsu did. On the one hand, water was his life. He was water. On the other hand (paw?), he was currently a cat, and cats generally did not handle water well.

Jade and Hidan ignored this, the latter unceremoniously dropping Suigetsu-the-cat into the mixing bowl.

The poof of smoke was almost expected by this point, and Jade didn't even bother to change her expression at the naked teenage boy that was about to be revealed by the thinning smoke. She didn't even cover her eyes, just turned and left to go get the clothes that she was sure would be on the front step.

"Just don't let him do anything other than henge up and stand on the floor until I get back with the clothes."

o.o.o.o.o

And this was awkward.

Lots of things had been, in the past day, crazy as it was. But to Jade, who had been, for lack of a better word, administrating the whole time, this was the first truly awkward moment.

Kisame sat in one chair.

Suigetsu sat in another.

They sat facing each other from across the room.

Kisame had Samehada.

Suigetsu had nothing.

Jade and Hidan sat on the couch between them.

Hidan had his scythe.

Jade had a pistol (though she knew it would probably be useless in this company).

And things were awkward.

An added problem was that while Hidan could understand anyone present—at least, he would if Jade chose to stick to English as she had during most of the Akatsuki's stay other than the rare incidents where they really, really irritated her—and Kisame could understand at least half of the English, Suigetsu and Jade couldn't really say or do anything without a translator.

(That was one of the main reasons for Hidan's presence. The other was to keep Jade safe and inflict her will and punishment on the two former Kiri nin if she needed it done.)

But, as it seemed to turn out, the translator wasn't needed.

Because no one was talking.

And it was awkward.

Kisame and Suigetsu were just staring at each other, occasionally making weird, semi-antagonistic facial twitches that one could only understand if they'd spent copious amounts of time around an Uchiha, which everyone present sadly had.

Jade stood up. Three pairs of eyes swiveled to her. She ignored them and turned to leave.

"Call me if anything actually happens."

She left.

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori had no illusions about the fact that Jade wouldn't spare anyone from her initial peace-making attempts. At least the girl had reasonable rationale for it. From what ramblings he'd heard from both her and Hidan, many fans would have attempted to seduce at least one member by now (and though Jade and Deidara had had their little evening, neither had considered anything more than a one-time thing, and Jade hadn't been the one to initiate it, anyway), maybe more, and tried to make even more people be friends or even fall into what they referred to as an OTP.

Apparently, that meant One True Pairing.

Where was the nerve gas when you needed it?

In any case, Jade's main reasoning was to get it all over with as soon as possible so that she wouldn't have to deal with festering anger and resentment later on. Sure, it would be amusing, she told them, but it would also likely end in the destruction of something, and she didn't feel like replacing her personal affects just because a few ninja couldn't keep caps on their tempers.

At least that made some amount of sense.

Jade was looking over them now, all of them still in kitten form. She bit her lip, chewing on it slightly as she presumably considered who to "pair up" for mediation talks next. The new arrivals were all, thankfully, still in Konan's paper cage.

Sasori's eyes narrowed as Jade's demeanor changed ever so slightly. "Alright, I have no doubt that the two have talked already, but can I have Jiraiya and Tsunade over here, please?"

While neither of the two she was ordering about could understand her words, Konan translated from her position on the wall. Hidan was still in the other room with Suigetsu and Kisame (who had progressed to a somewhat stilted conversation), and Nagato, Tobi, and Itachi had been ordered to stay away for the time being for some reason. Konan had at least a little trust from everyone but Orochimaru, and understood well enough to translate, so she got the job.

Sasori knew that was the main reason that he wasn't given the job. It didn't really matter to Jade what people wanted (on the contrary, she seemed to find amusement in occasionally torturing them by making either their favorite food and not giving any to them, or their least favorite and forcing them to eat and compliment it), but what would work best and cause her the least amount of trouble. And Sasori, for all his softening over the past months (which wasn't much, but was noticeable), was still a b****** that none of the new arrivals would trust under any circumstances.

Jade leaned down and picked up the two kittens she'd picked up, lifting them to place one on each shoulder, thankfully covered in thick enough fabric that the claws couldn't pierce it.

Oddly, she then picked up Konan and brought her up close to her face, walking several feet away and whispering something that Sasori couldn't quite hear. Konan did some translating, and Sasori was surprised to see that it resulted in the Senju shaking her head, almost embarrassed. Jade, on the other hand, seemed satisfied, walked off out of sight, presumably to put the two somewhere to talk.

Then she came back, asked for the pink kitten, the Haruno girl, and turned to look straight… at… him…

This was not going to end well.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade smiled to herself as she looked out over the remaining kittens, making sure she had who she needed to get this over with. Tsunade and Jiraiya had actually just been to embarrass and irritate the two (though she rationalized it to herself as needing to get this over with before Tsunade's promise was shown in a video clip or something), and Sasori and Sakura… Well, that was just going to be so many shades of awkward that she couldn't help but laugh a little at times. She had no doubts that the two could have coexisted peacefully just by ignoring each other, but…

Well, she needed to have a little fun with this, right?

"Hey, could I have Sakura over here, please?"

o.o.o.o.o

Sasori's only petty satisfaction was to see Jade's face fall as she heard the doorbell ring while she closed the door on him to his doom.

A petty satisfaction, but a satisfaction nonetheless.

And then he heard the pinkette whispering curses to herself in a panic behind him, and all satisfaction flew out the window in favor of irritation.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade looked out the peephole in the door, relaxing slightly as she recognized the person on the other side. Of all the people it could have been, it was one of the few that she could trust with this. And it wasn't like the other girl was banned or anything, so it was really Jade's own fault for not warning her away.

Green eyes and blonde hair were at the door. A tall physique and a sunny grin under a spread of freckles.

"Kate, now is a really bad time." Jade tried to dissuade her friend from attempting to force entry into the house.

Kate raised an eyebrow and tried to get a look around Jade. "Really? What happened?"

"…We got some new arrivals yesterday." Jade admitted. She didn't really want to bother with trying to argue with Kate right now. It never went anywhere good.

Green eyes lit up. "Who?! Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

Jade blinked. "Post-artist Seven, the legendary three, and Hawk slash Snake."

Kate thought through it for a second, her face pensive, and then a grin spread. "Do you know what this means?"

"Not in concerns to you. I need to go back to keep moderating the clashes." Jade turned, leaving the door open since she knew that her friend would have no compunctions in staying at her door and ringing her doorbell for as long as she needed to. She would refuse to stop until Jade let her in just to spare herself the annoyance.

Kate came in behind Jade, and immediately saw the paper arena, which was only a few feet away from the door. She stepped up to the edge and smiled down at the occupants. She kneeled down and held out a hand, waiting for one to come to here. A black cat came closer, sniffing at her hand before she scratched it on the head. "Let me guess… Sai?"

The cat cocked its head to the side, but nodded, seeming to recognize its name. Kate picked him up and noted the white underbelly as she set him down in her lap, still sitting on the floor. She grinned a little more as she pet him, and he began to purr.

"Well, he's not one of the ones I was planning on using at any point, so I don't really mind if you keep playing with him for a while." Jade spoke up from behind her, and then stepped past to come closer to the arena area, and then hesitated. "Ah… I should have done the Hawk and Seven meeting first. I can't take care of the second set of family business…"

She sighed, looking over the kittens that were still in the area. "Guess I'll just wait a while, then. Three at a time isn't so bad, after all."

"What are you talking about?" Kate frowned up at her.

"I've been setting various members of the different groups up for… discussion, I suppose. If I let things fester for too long it'll cause trouble later and I don't want any fights breaking out. If I get it all over with as soon as possible… well, it's just going give me less trouble in the long run."

"Huh." Kate stood up, still holding Sai in her arms. "Who have you gotten so far?"

Jade's eyelids came down slightly as she thought. "Hm… Well, I took care of the Uchiha brothers and ToMaTo man yesterday, and the Ame trio and Jiraiya as well. I've got Suigetsu and Kisame talking things through in the living room with Hidan there to prevent a fight if necessary. Um… Sakura and Sasori are over in that room, but that wasn't really necessary so much as it was me feeling like messing with Sasori's head again. And… I've got Jiraiya and Tsunade talking over the promise she made to herself after he left on his last mission, about what she would do if he came back alive."

Kate raised an eyebrow. Her tone, when she spoke, was as sarcastic as you would expect of a teenage girl. "That all?"

Jade smirked back. "I've also got something planned for," She leaned in close to whisper quietly enough so that none of the kittens would hear, "the last three known Uzumaki," she leaned back away, "And a few truces that have to be made over deaths. Let's see… Kakuzu has to put up with Naruto and Kakashi; Deidara's probably going to be at Sasuke's throat for a while; I already got Sasori and Sakura, even if they were probably the two that I would have to worry about the least… Let's see, Nagato and Yahiko died on their own terms. Hidan can wait, and Kisame, Konan, Zetsu, and Tobi didn't even die. We both know what the deal with Itachi is, and, um, who else…" She tapped her chin. "I'm just going to keep Orochimaru isolated for as long as possible."

Kate stared at her for several more seconds. "You overthink things."

"No, I just think them through." Jade corrected. "Actually, I'm pretty sure we could get the Kakuzu-Konoha confrontation out of the way right now… could you give me a minute? I want to do this quickly."

"I have a question, though." Kate spoke up. Jade turned back from where she had been heading out of the room, one eyebrow raised.

"Yes?"

"What about the ones that already talked without your orders?" Kate pointed at the caged area. "I mean, couldn't they have talked on their own already?"

Jade just shook her head. "I've kept Taka and Konoha separated, and Orochimaru's been isolated the whole time. Jiraiya and Tsunade might've talked, but I doubt they talked about the promise, mostly because only Tsunade was aware of it and hadn't really told anyone. I can't remember if she even told Shizune, but the point is that it would be indescribably awkward to just randomly bring it up, and even more so for everyone to find out through the show. No, I doubt they've talked about it, and I'm sure that getting them to talk is a good idea."

"…You could have just said that you took some precautions, you know."

"I like explaining things. Now, I need to go set up a truce between a miser, a Cyclops, and a demon container. Wish me luck."

"Uh… good luck?"

Then the fire alarm went off.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade got down from the chair, kitchen broom in hand, from where she had stood turning off the alarm. She rounded on the two men that were supposed to be her guests, and frowned, arms crossed. "Was this supposed to be some sort of joke?"

Kisame shifted a little, not quite nervous (Jade was a civilian, after all), but not exactly comfortable either. "Er… yes?"

Jade turned to look at Itachi. "I expected you to have better sense than this."

"If I get this farce of a fascination out of my way now, I don't need to do this later."

Jade frowned as her own reasoning was thrown back at her. "Still, couldn't you have at least told me beforehand?"

Her only answer was a shrug from Kisame and a blank stare from Itachi.

"Uh, Jade? The water is still on fire… How is that even possible?" Kate stood in the doorway, still holding Sai, and stared at the pot on the stove.

Suigetsu was still edging away from Itachi. Slowly. Because, um, he wanted to get some fresh air. Right.

It had nothing to do with the fact that he was made of water and had just seen Uchiha f***in' Itachi set a pot of the lovely life-giving liquid on fire.

Nothing.

o.o.o.o.o

Well, Jade at least knew the outcome of the discussion between Suigetsu and Kisame, which had ended in a decision to tolerate each other, though there seemed to be good-natured teasing coming from both sides. Usually, good-natured, anyway, as the smirks on their faces occasionally grew strained and made it seem as though they were far less happy with each other than suggested.

Her next move, Jade decided once Kakuzu, Naruto, and Kakashi were taken care of, was to check in on the other groups that were… dealing.

Sakura and Sasori had apparently worked through the issues enough that they seemed at most ambivalent, though Jade was tempted to play at pretending to be an armchair psychologist to irritate Sasori a little more. Unfortunately for all of us who would have loved to see this, her common sense won out, and she simply let them out, carrying Sakura back to the Konoha section of the cage, though the area was now empty. Sasuke, Karin, and Juugo were still in Taka's area, and no one actually wanted to go near Orochimaru.

Kate, strangely, decided that Sakura looked lonely. So within thirty seconds, the girl had a cat on each shoulder, one pink, one mostly black, and both rather confused. Jade just shook her head and turned back towards the door that led to another room, and opened it to find one of the cutest scenes she possibly could have found.

Jiraiya and Tsunade.

Sleeping.

Side by side.

Snuggling.

It was adorable.

…She decided to leave them on the floor of the room (one that happened to be her brother's) until she actually needed them.

o.o.o.o.o

Kate looked up as Jade came back into the room, and then noticed that while the slightly older girl didn't have any kittens with her, she was wearing a slightly indulgent smile. "What happened?"

Jade chuckled. "They fell asleep on the floor, and they looked so cute that I didn't really have the heart to move them."

"Oh… is that all of them, then? Kakuzu's in the office with Naruto and Kakashi, right?"

"Yes… we'll give them another hour or so, and then we'll arrange for the meeting between Team 7 and Taka." Jade mused. "That should work."

Kate shrugged. It wasn't really her problem anyway. "Hey, Jade…"

"What?"

"Can I make a giant kitten pile and just snuggle with them for a while?"

Jade sent her a look. "How many of these predominantly male kittens do you think will refrain from using it as a chance to touch your chest?"

Kate blinked and glanced down at her chest. She looked back up at Jade. "It's not like there's really a lot to touch, Jade."

"My answer is still no."

o.o.o.o.o

A/N: Don't hate me. I just… Sakura and Sasori probably would have been boring (I may recap later with a flashback, but don't get your hopes up), and I really don't want to "intrude" on Tsunade and Jiraiya's privacy… because it would just be weird.

Jade now has over twenty kittens in her house. She officially a cat lady.

Guess what? I was talking to someone on DA yesterday, and they apparently nearly had a freak out when they realized that I was "the phoenix corporation lady." They even said that they were "euphoric." I'm not making this up.
…That experience made me very happy for a few hours. And then I had to go write English IA stuff and my mood plummeted.

I have been promised more fanart by people! I'm not sure why, but late January/early February seems to be the point when people started deciding to take my requests seriously and actually drawing stuff for me and reccing (Fly Free, in this case) and stuff. So, to all you people out there who care: Thanks.

Ja ne,

Phoenix

PS – We get a godly visitor next chapter, and maybe another after that. Anticipate them.