Raised By GLaDOS
Harry Potter, the splitting image of his father and the personality of a maniacal robot who raised him mixed in with his mother. Witty, clever and able to talk which made the other person who spoke around here a lot less appealing.
"So Harry what have you been getting up to at school?" I asked wondering if he was carrying on the legacy of the marauders , Harry grinned and realised I was not talking about lessons. I had told him a few of my past stories but I wanted to hear some of his
"Well I dyed Snape's hair pink, made on fat kid crap himself, brought one of the towers down by throwing a troll at it, scaring staff with a space core and ruined the wall opposite my dorm," Harry answered,
"Wow, you are like the son I never had, well you are my godson but wow, your father would be proud," I told him beaming
"What was he like?" Harry asked and I knew he wanted honest information about his parents, sure he had a hot mute and a robot, two of which may now want to kill me but I was always one for attracting female attention.
"Your dad, well he was a good man, the best I ever knew. He pranked the school half to death and yet he was willing to get stuck in, he fought the death eaters the first chance he got and I know he loved every second of it. He adored Lily and without her his ego would have been the size of skyscraper, think of GLaDOS," I told him. To be honest the computer did have an ego
"I have an ego? The great and magnificent AI superior to all human intellect, just because people are better than you in every possible way doesn't mean that you need to say things about them because you think your inferior, you are but don't do it," was her quick and instant response.
"How have you lived with her for this long?" I asked Harry, she was almost as bad as my mother, then again that was going a bit too far.
"With great effort," he responded with a smile. I patted him on the back, it was a good answer and GLaDOS didn't say anything so that was good.
"So what was mum like?" he asked next,
"Lily was a lot of things, smart, witty, persistent and she was brave, stood up to a lot a people bigger than her and your father may have been among them once during the ego years. She was a good woman, headstrong and she fought the Death Eaters too. If she hexed you then you knew about it, something would ache for a long time," I told him in all seriousness.
"What happened to them? Why did this Dark Lord person actually attack them?" Harry asked the awkward question
"No one knows but you took him down, you saved us all from an evil man, and yet ended up in the hands of someone who I would actually would Voldemort to meet," I answered not knowing the answer. Though imagine Voldemort meets GLaDOS; I could sell tickets it would be the showdown of the century.
"I'd be up for that, He said he was immortal according to some court reports I had some duplicate aurors steal because the real ones starved and I needed spies, anyway he said he was immortal and that is a test I would like to do. How much can he go through before something happens?" GLaDOS dreamed aloud somewhat sadistically
"Don't give her ideas," Harry warned looking solemn, I half wanted Voldemort to rise from the dead so he could meet her. Half wanted not really
"I'll try not to, so what did she put you through when you were a kid?" I asked knowing her obsession for testing
"Not much, she said she tested me before I could walk, Then as I got older the tests got bigger; I enjoy them, you get to play around and feel like you're doing something important," Harry explained thoughtfully.
"Well I can't say life's dull around here, there is always quality entertainment,"
"I know watching you and Chell work out a test chamber is pretty funny, all seven hours of it," GLaDOS cackled and I looked at the camera
"You kept moving the doors," I accused remembering that test where you had to push the button to open the door, however she kept moving the doors so the timer on the button ran out long before we even got close.
"If you wish to make a complaint please submit it to [insert fake address here]" was her automatic response and I wasn't sure if she meant to say that.
"Are you going to get around to actually putting those addresses in?" Harry asked suddenly
"No then you'll work out they're fake," GLaDOS informed us ironically.
Harry
She wants something, the first warning light signalled when I got no response about my effort comment and the second was the lack of sarcasm when I mentioned I had been tested from a young age. Too young Sirius may have been thinking but life is life, however lack of comments led to one conclusion she wants something. The question was what, it was something only I could get her obviously and also something she really wanted;
"Ok what is it?" I asked entering the main chamber, Sirius had gone to the kitchen while also hiding from Chell who was out for his blood and I thought I'd end the days of strange flattery and gifts.
"What's what?" she asked swivelling her giant body towards me, I flinched at the piercing yellow light making up her optic eye
"You want something," I pointed out
"Wow I raised you well, ok now in your school you have heard rumours of something being kept hidden from everyone else," GLaDOS began and I think I know what she's talking about
"You mean the three headed guard dog?" I asked her
"Sorry what? I sent you to a school with a giant three headed dog? What the hell is this place? Anyway it might do, you see I was told by someone who died of completely unavoidable complications that there is something inside Hogwarts," she explained and this was odd, she sounded excited like this was something I would give her as a mother's day present.
"Ok so I have the back story but I don't have the actually story," I pointed out having no clue what she wanted,
"There is a stone, a stone that bring immortal life," she answered
"Now I'm interested," I told her realising immortal life sounded slightly appealing, the idea of not dying was worth pursuing
"That's the boy I raised, anyway I would like you to have a look for the stone and maybe if you find it steal it and kill anyone who gets in your way," GLaDOS suggested meekly, ok most of that sentence was fine except the last part which sounded like something that would be a bad idea. Unless you were an all-powerful AI
"Ok I'll have a look for it, but what do I get in return?" I asked her, we did not do something for nothing in Aperture, that was something I learned a long time ago.
"Eternal life," she answered bluntly "Sorry what could be better than that?"
"How about unlimited access to all gels and experimental products that you never got around to improving?" I suggested
"What exploding lipstick? The razor blade comb? Sulphuric Moisturiser? What would you do with that crap?" GLaDOS asked, whoever was in cosmetics was the biggest moron of all time, these ideas weren't only terrible but plain stupid.
"That's for me to know," I answered slyly
"Fine you can have all the crap and you can have as much propulsion and repulsion gel as you need, some of the walk on walls gel but that's it. Deal?" she asked.
"Deal," I answered realising it was the best possible deal I would get, she was programmed to be a tough negotiator and she did not give up easily.
"Aperture Science giving lethal experimental, bone destroying, permanent destructive materials to children, business is business. Speaking of business I think Sirius is going to cancel his Chell in the shower video," GLaDOS warned
"Ok can we please stop talking about that? It was kinda funny but she is like a mother to be and I don't want to know about naked videos of her," I requested simply. GLaDOS laughed and the phoenix chirped
"I know Fawkes he won't be saying that in a few years time," she turned towards Fawkes and then back to me
"Eww," was all I said deciding to leave before this conversation got any creepier, I have no idea how it could we were talking about my adoptive mother in the shower.
"Fine I won't mention the naked video to you unless you ask," she vowed
"I won't," I assured her and she started chuckling again.
Chell
"Could you let me out now?" Sirius asked banging on the door of a round metal chamber which I had stuck him in, it was the anti gravity chamber and I thought I'd have some fun and get revenge. It was the best of both worlds,
"Please" he asked as I jammed the button for up, it was like a turbine had opened under his feet and he shot up, I pressed the down button before he could hit the ceiling. I wanted revenge I didn't want to kill him; I think.
"You have a sadistic streak you know that!" he commented as I suspended him in the air, now that was not the thing to tell someone who has your life in one finger. I would tell him these things but I instead opted for throwing him up and down a bit more
"Chell how are... what are you doing?" Harry asked walking in and I turned and waved, it was good to have him back and I wrapped him in another hug, I had really missed him over the summer and once this hiccup about a shower video was out of the way we would all have a good Christmas.
"Harry help she's torturing me!" Sirius cried and I decided to prove him wrong, not by letting him out no by playing with the gravity so he was walking on the ceiling.
"You know this woman is no very nice, I like her dominant streak though," the man had to get a joke in and he paid for that with three seconds of violent spinning.
"Now I could let him out, or I could stay and watch," Harry commented as Sirius went rather green
"How about letting me out?" Sirius suggested, instead I threw Harry a bag of popcorn
"Sorry Sirius she has popcorn," Harry told the man as I started pressing buttons again. I think I had slightly more than popcorn, being the person teaching him right and wrong and not the warped version counted for something; as did feeding him as a baby and being a motherly figure. Then again Popcorn was good too.
"Chell do you know how to get him out of that thing?" Harry asked suddenly looking at the chamber, of course I did when Harry was around five I took him down to the anti gravity chambers every week. He loved the flying and jumping around, then again this one didn't seem to have a door unlocking mechanism.
"Sorry did I hear that right?" Sirius asked looking slightly alarmed
"No no, I'm joking she can get you out any time she wants," Harry assured the man as I looked around for a release button, there was a locking one but not the opposite.
"Really? She can barrage eight inches of solid steel and lead, she may be large but breaking through one of those deadlock doors is impossible," GLaDOS interjected. Really not helping right now in all honesty.
"Sorry what? Can I get out or not?" Sirius asked looking concerned and he had a right to be, well I suppose this was getting back at him in many ways.
"Don't worry [subject name here] we have a twenty four hour phone line which will help you, please ring [fake number here]"