Dear... This place seems to be swarming with Swedes... Oh, well... know I am a little late with this one, but I've got some kind of a virus at my computer (Merdre!), so...

/Alex, still all-mighty, still the author.

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Chapter Twenty-one
Backlash (Things that are broken…)

And so starts the year which shall be my last together with the rest of the marauders. As I sit on the train, staring out the window, the two years that I will have to spend alone at Hogwarts seems to me unending. Two years without laughing and teasing with James. Two years without fighting and bickering with Sirius. Two years without enjoying the silence of the library together with Remus. Two years without talking to Peter while helping him with his homework.
And two years without being able to kiss Severus.
Oh, of course there will be the vacations, but the corridors of Hogwarts will grow restlessly quiet without the laughing voices of my friends and the constant explosions that usually are the reason for the laughter. And there will be an empty spot in the more shadowy regions of the library, where I always used to find Severus.
I lean my head against the smooth window-glass, feeling the motion of the train like a faint buzzing in my skull, and I feel like trying to keep water clutched in my hand, slowly dripping away and leaving me without… anything.
So what if I make this bigger than it really is?! I have grown used to always having them there, they are my safety and my support in this world, and now they won't be there anymore. And that is hard to take.
One year left… One year left of knowing they are around.
"What is it, Wing?" Peter asks, obviously noticing the dip in my mood.
"One year" I answer, a gloomy echo on my own thoughts.
"Oh" he says, looking unsure on what to say. "Oh, you…"
"Yes." I say simply, letting my hair fall forward to brush over my hands, spilling down at the seat – I should cut it – and hide my face.
"Hey, Al, it's still a whole bloody year" Sirius points out, but the gentleness in his voice contradicts the briskness of the words.
"And two after that. Two empty ones."
James leans forward and gives my shoulder a light squeeze, putting his other hand under my chin and lifting it. "I know it's pathetic, but we will at least write to you."
I smile bleakly at him. "You're right."
"About which part."
My smile turns wry. "That it IS pathetic."
"You'll have Emily" points out Peter, slowly.
"…And Baz" ads Sirius, smiling.
"And Violet too." Remus points out. "She, in facts, needs you as well."
I nod. "I know that. It's not really that I will be lonely, it's just… You guys saved my bloody life." I hold up my hand. "Shut up, I don't want any protests. You don't know… When the letter arrived at my house, I was just about to cut up my wrists, put myself out of my misery. I had spent a whole of three moths cutting my arms up when I was alone, just to… to feel the pain, and I was prepared to… But then I got a small glimmer of hope, and I… Jumped on it. I escaped as soon as I had everything ready, after I had stolen enough money… And I was going to give this new school a chance, but I was sure I was going to fail. I was so very set on failing that that is just what I would have done. I would have spent the whole trip not talking to anyone, out of pure fear, the hat would've put me in Slytherin, and I would spend all my time trying to shut the world away and study. Thanks to you, and only you, I found another way. Nobody else could've done it."
"So you mean to say that…" begins James silently.
"That I have you to thank for being a Gryffindor. I have you to thank for being able to talk to my classmates. I have you to than for four absolutely wonderful years. I have you to thank for the courage to tell about my family, for being able to leave my home forever. I have you thank for the revenge I finally got on my father. I have you to thank for not waking up screaming every night anymore. I even" I flash Sirius and James a teasing grin "have you to thank for Severus. Without the courage you gave me…" my voice trails off, and I smile at them grimacing.
"Oh, THAT stung" James says. "And the worst thing is that there is no way out of it. Because I know that if I had another chance…" he smiles broadly at me. "I wouldn't change anything."
"No. The absolutely worst thing is that I am actually happy for you having the git." Sirius says, looking slightly disgusted at such a disgrace, and at the same time smiling. "But about not changing anything…I know I would." I stare at him in horror, and he realises how what he just said sounded. "Oh, blast, I didn't mean it like that. I would still want to become your friend and all that, I would just… make sure you didn't have to suffer because of us all these years."
I stare at him, as he leans back, looking a little embarrassed and uneasy.
"So would I" says James, very quietly.
"I would've stood up and said something" says Remus, his face clearly speaking of how angry he still is with himself.
"And I wouldn't have encouraged it" Peter whispers, looking guilty.
I look at them, all looking back at me seriously. I stare into a world where the tumbling, brown roots of age-old trees stretch into the clear blue water under a velvet grey sky, a golden dawning lacing the horizon.
"You know what?" I wonder, whispering the words softly, softly, almost reverently.
They shake their heads without ever breaking eye contact.
"I love you." I say simply. "You are my best friends. And you will always be."
And they smile.

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It is nice to see my old classmates again, even if Violet still is lacking a bit in definition, and Baz is a bit jumpy around me. She had a really hard time when Sirius was the most upset with me, a hard time deciding what to think and believe. She wants to think good of everybody, but naturally, she is partial towards Sirius. At the same time, she is a romantic, and could never understand why my love to Severus was so detestable in her boyfriend's eyes.
When we finally made up, she didn't know what to think, since SHE never got to know anything about the Whomping-Willow incident. So she settled for her usual sunny style, but she is still unsure what to make of me. I, after all, lied. She is such a honest person herself that she cannot possibly imagine doing the same, and thus she cannot understand. It doesn't make her a bad person. Only human.
Alice seems now to be joined at the hip with Frank Longbottom. They almost NEVER go anywhere without each other unless they have to sleep. It is nice to see that some people can be in love without violating the Laws Of How It Is Supposed To Be, create havoc over the whole school, commit some kind of obscure crime by doing so, and generally create trouble for them selves and anyone in a mile's radius. It gives me a feeling that this world might be on the right way, after all.
Amos Diggory, on the other hand, is in really BIG trouble. Basics: His two years older girlfriend, happening to be a catholic, is pregnant. Oops. So she wants to keep the baby. Which means that dear Amos will be a father at the age of sixteen.
Marvellous.
But by some reason, some nasty part of me exclaims something very much alike 'serves him right' before being muffled by my better side. The point is this: The perfectionist extraordinaire just realised that he himself has – just as any other person – some imperfections. He's humbled, and a much nicer company nowadays. Maybe because he doesn't open his mouth that often, I will let that go unsaid.
Hermes, on his hand, takes it with grace. Only looks at his brother with one painted eyebrow raised sometimes. And as Lucius Malfoy said something highly inappropriate and generally menacing about Amos, Hermes actually slapped him. A real, stinging bitch-slap with the full of his palm.
He is reputed to have said only one thing to Malfoy after this:
"Now look what you did! I broke a nail!"
Hermes, on the whole, is coming out of his cocoon of thoughts and distance that he was wrapped up in before, to show a quite eccentric, vain, provoking, witty and warm person that we never even knew to be part of our class. He has laid down most of his numerous projects to concentrate wholly on writing and acting.
Yes, I am very impressed by him. I am not saying that I think myself stupid, but the creativity and intellect of this guy is almost intimidating. In school, on the other hand, he does not really concentrate. He does what he likes, and does it good, and those things he doesn't like, he mostly ignores.
Alexander Brown hasn't really changed at all. If possible, he got even quieter when Anna left. It is hard to deal with this guy, because you never know if he enjoys this silence and that you are intruding, or if he is simply shy and WANTS your company. And since I am still quite a quiet person myself, it is even harder. But the boys seem to include him in their group quite naturally, even if he spends most of his time around them staring out into space without uttering a word.
Emily of course, is still the bouncy, energetic optimist she has always been, still just as shrewd and unpredictable. We two and Baz have taken it upon us to form some kind of protective wall between Violet and the rest of the world, or at least those parts of it that would abuse her meekness and constant indecision. We include her, give her space to speak and think, and even though it is tough going, we DO see some results. It's like bringing up a child in one way, because when it came to her relations to other people, that is what Violet was.
I am the one for the so called "Education", which means I try to guide her into thinking for herself instead of trying to follow the lead of others. Emily handles the "Inspiration" part, which means that she tries to give Violet a stronger self-confidence. And Baz, naturally, takes the "Support" part, making sure that Violet feels safe.
It seems that all this indeed should keep me preoccupied enough when I only have my classmates, but from where should I get my strength, my resolve? I NEED the marauders for that.
Sighing irritably to myself, I turn around in my bed, shoving my face into my pillow. These thoughts avail in absolutely nothing. I should stop returning to them. I should think of something else. I should SLEEP, heavens.
Bugger.

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There! The sound of someone sneaking down the crossing corridor... Filch?
I wait until the noise of softly padding feet is so faint that I can barely hear it, before risking a peek. There, a thin frame, slipping softly over the floor on bare feet. Quite tall, shiny black hair, a face that looks familiar without being so... Of course. Regulus.
He is quite far away in the corridor, looking around himself time and time again, as if scared of being followed. That is not just the watchfulness of a student up after hours, it is the nervousness of someone who knows he is doing something wrong and is trying to blame his uneasiness on fear of being caught.
Intrigued, I follow him. Unfortunately, with my attention directed fully at him, I do not notice the shadow hiding in an alcove until...
"Ouff..." I am pulled in by a firm hand, another settling over my mouth. I struggle, but then hear a familiar voice whispering in my ear.
"Don't fret, Alex."
The hand slides slowly from my mouth, and I turn to stare up at him. His eyes glitter in the moonlight, and a teasing smile plays on his lips. He lifts his hand, placing a finger over them with a small hushing noise.
"Severus? What are you doing here?"
"I might ask you the same thing."
I do not answer that, merely glare at him. He sighs. "Easy, love. I was up late tonight, and I saw the younger Black sneaking out. I followed him to see what he was up to. And you?"
"Just sneaking off to get some time alone to think. I am not too spoiled when it comes to that. And I heard Regulus sneaking about, so..."
I thing of The Order. Was Regulus...? And how in the world will I be able to tell Sirius, if that is the case?
Severus smiles, playing with a lock of my hair. "He was just meeting some girl in the astronomy-tower" he says in a soothing voice. "Nothing else. I should've known. He hasn't got spine enough for anything worse."
Why does he always seem to read my mind?
"I don't know what he's about now, but I bet it is just as harmless" he continues, nimble fingers exploring the lines of my face. His gaze is sincere, but there is something guarded about it...
Nah, I am probably just imagining...
I start slightly, as I suddenly feel his lips brush against mine, but then I smile, leaning into the embrace. "Why were you up?" I wonder.
"What was it that you needed to think about so much?" Severus counters, looking down at me with raised eyebrows.
I stick out my tongue at him. "I asked first."
"Yes." He agrees. And then he is silent.
"Well?" I demand impatiently after a while.
"Well what?" he asks carelessly.
"Answer me!"
"Only if you answer me first."
"That is not fair!"
"Life rarely is."
I hit him. "Well, if you really want to know, I... well, I couldn't sleep because... Because this is the last year that..."
I feel the tips of his finger, cool and smooth, sneaking their way under my robe to run up the length of my arm, and down again. "I see."
"I just... needed some time to STOP thinking about it, to tell the truth. It feels like I am stuck in those thoughts, and I don't want to, I just want to be able to be happy as long as I still have all of you around..." I lean my head against his chest, feeling his slow, even breathing like soothing, wavelike movements and warm air flowing against my forehead. Once more, his hand wanders up my arm, and I shiver slightly.
"I understand" he answers, and it feels good.
"So why were you up?"
I can feel him chuckle softly, and his hand suddenly rests at my chin, lifting it. "The same reason" he mumbles before kissing me gently, and my knees almost give in.
Bastard.
"I must go now" he mumbles against my lips. "I have a test in Transfiguration tomorrow, and I have to get some sleep." I nod, and give him a final, small kiss, before he slips out the alcove and walks down the corridor. I start walking in the opposite direction, but after just some seconds, I freeze. Looking back over my shoulder, I can just see Severus disappearing around up the stairs to the West tower.
Up the stairs.
Up.
The wrong direction, if he was indeed on his way to his dormitory. And when I come to think of it... the boys have Transfiguration with Slytherin. They haven't said a word about a test, and you actually tend to notice, since Peter always almost goes into hysterics. So why lie to me?
He was walking in the same direction that Regulus disappeared...
Why was he lying? Why was he covering up for Regulus?
It would be easy to follow. Easy to find out. But a shiver, travelling like a river of ice down my spine, tells me very clearly that I really do not want to know.
Turning back, I start walking hastily down the corridor. I do not want to think.
Why?
I do NOT want to think!
Why?
I start to run.

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The next day when I go down for breakfast, my eyes immediately jump to the Slytherin table. Severus sits with his head bent, staring at a spot of empty table, apparently totally lost in his thoughts. I notice that he is absently rubbing his right arm vigorously, as if it is itching really badly. Strange.

I frown, sitting down beside Sirius, who is currently having some kind of spell-battle with James, in witch some bread, a glass of juice, a tube of mayonnaise and a lot of laughter configures. Emily and Hermes are acting as cheerleaders, making up silly rhymes and songs and waving around a baguette each. They hardly even notice as I take my place, starting to absently butter a piece of bread.

But Remus and Peter are both looking at me with looks of concern, having noticed my worried face.

"Something wrong, Wing?" Peter asks, and Remus tilts his head gently in an indication of that he already knows the answer, but wonders what I am going to let on.

No, don't ask me, please! I don't want to think about it, I really don't. I don't want to know, I am scared of what I will find, just leave it alone... It feels bad. It's like a wound. The more you poke around in it, the more it hurts, and the worse you might make it, but leaving it alone could be dangerous...

The Order of the Phoenix...

What I owe them, owe them for the sake of friendship...

But my love...

"N...nothing..." Even though I deny it, I try to ask them forgiveness with a pleading gaze. I'm sorry I am lying, but I cannot...

They see that I am not telling the truth, naturally. I am actually not trying to hide it, I don't want to deceive them anymore. But they have to accept that I do not want, cannot tell them what is disturbing me. Remus looks worried now; Peter surprised. He opens his mouth to say something, but...

Wham!

He is hit over the head with a flying baguette.

"Oh my god Peter, I am so sorry!"

"No... I'm fine..."

"I'm so clumsy..."

"Really, Emily, I'm fine" he picks up the baguette and hands it back to her. She receives it with a slightly sheepish smile.

"Thanks."

"It's broken" he points out unnecessarily.

Hermes gives out a loud "Naaaaaaw! Cutesie!" and they both glare at him. Sirius laughs, James smirks, and Remus shakes his head.

"Pass the bread, please" says Baz, who hasn't even noticed the commotion, and Emily instinctively hands over the halfway-broken-in-two baguette, earning a really odd look from her friend.

Attention is effectively directed away from me. For two moments, Emily catches my eye, and I am ALMOST positive that she winked at me. Then she continues to apologize to the blushing Peter, as if nothing at all had happened, and I am not sure that what I saw was real. Just almost.

Emily wouldn't ask. She would just help, hoping I knew what I was doing. She cares, but she doesn't stick her nose where it is not wanted.

So maybe it really was intentional, maybe she threw a bloody baguette at Peter to save me from interrogation. I will probably never get to know.

I watch her tease Peter about his flushed cheeks, smiling, and I think to myself: "At least, I don't think my obvious discomfort was not the ONLY reason."

Heh.

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I notice some more people with itchy arms over the week, all of them Slytherins except one Ravenclaw. Finally, I can no longer take not knowing what it means, except my horrible suspicions about why whatever it is was done.

So I hide in an empty chamber in the dungeons until Regulus walks past. The blackout-spell puts him out immediately. No trace, nothing. When he wakes up in the corridor, I will be far away, and he will not even notice anything different. I pull him into the room, securing the door behind me.

Then I grab the sleeve on his right arm, giving it a sharp jerk. The white skin on his arm is revealed, and on it... A Dark Mark, tattooed on the skin, which look sore and inflamed, as if wanting to reject the black ink.

I gasp, letting go of him with shaking hands. A Mark. Isn't that what they say that they found on the arms of the so-far captured Death Eaters?

Oh, Severus...

I imagine the flawless, white skin on his arms, imagine it smudged, marred by this death-marking, and I feel about to be sick. No, it cannot be! It's wrong, it's not how it's supposed to be, I...

But nothing can change it. I know now why he lied. We're suddenly both standing on one side of this mark, looking over at one another, unable to do anything... Why? Why did you have to do this?

I stare at the boy, lying motion-less before me. In the dim light, it might as well be Sirius, staring blankly up at me. A fourteen-year-old Sirius.

God! Fourteen years old! He's just a child, for heavens sake. He's not supposed to be branded with the mark of murderers. He's supposed to be curious about girls, not killing-curses. He's supposed to sneak out after curfew with his friends to steal food from the kitchens, not go to secret Death Eater-meetings and receive a Mark.

In this moment, I feel an unparalleled hatred towards his parents. Theirs are the fault that he is doing this. Their twisted views on life, their race to play out Sirius against his brother, them putting all their expectations into this easily-led boy when his big-brother has 'failed' them, them manipulating the soul of a child to one similar to theirs...

He never even got the chance to live for himself. He walks with his father's legs, his arms are his mother's, his thoughts are planted in his mind by his parents, his words have been spoke by them before reaching his mouth.

Damn them!

Damn all that lead their own children into this.

But...

But Severus choose for himself. I know that, yet I do not want to think about it. Do not want to know that he turned away from the path that I am bound to walk on his own accord. Will he leave me behind, when he realises that I will never join his side? Will I be able to take that pain? Or would it be better if I left now...?

No. That is something I cannot do. Cannot walk away, no matter what it will cost me in tears and agony later. I will milk the time I've got with him of all its happiness, and try to forget that it is to be snatched from me. Maybe the memories will be able to soothe my heart, afterwards. Maybe I will recover in time.

People don't die from broken hearts. Love cannot kill a person. Romeo and Juliet were WRONG!

Whimpering, I bend down, stoking the black hair out of the forehead of the boy lying before me, as if wanting to brush away the darkness lodged in his mind.

"Poor little lamb,

creep close to mum,

the lightning and thunder can't hurt you..."

I think: How, oh how will I be able to tell Sirius about THIS? Without letting on that Severus is a part of it?

Does it matter if I do or don't?

Or is everything too late?