A/N: Hey everyone! So I've discovered something important over the 3 years it's taken me to write this – I have less control over my story than I think I do. When I originally wrote this, I intended it to be about 8 or 9 chapters, but nothing over 10. Now it's going to be over 20 chapters and the plotline and characters have developed in ways that I never intended. It's because of this that I don't think I can finish Ashes Ashes before the summer is over. However, I definitely can finish it before the year 2011 is over, so that's my new goal. Thanks again to all my readers, and constructive criticism is always welcome!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Jack the Ripper.

Ashes Ashes, We All Fall Down

Chapter 20: The Diaries of Mikoto Abberline

12 January 1867

I'm going to start meeting with a new patient this week. Kakashi introduced me to him – his name is Jiraiya Lemmens. Kakashi says Jiraiya may be depressed over his recent divorce; apparently it's very serious. The man certainly seems depressed, but to what extent I'll have to find out. I hope I can help this man – Kakashi is very worried about him.

17 January 1867

I had my first meeting with Jiraiya today. Unlike some of my other patients, he opened up to me without hesitation; he seems to wear his heart on his sleeve. Unfortunately, his depression seems to be extreme. He told me that his wife, Tsunade, wanted the divorce, but he didn't. He seems to have conflicting feelings for Tsunade – he still loves her and spoke of her fondly during out meeting. However, at times when he was emotional he expressed bitterness and hatred for her. He did not tell me why Tsunade wanted the divorce.

Jiraiya admitted that he's become antisocial since the divorce and Kakashi is the only person he's kept some amount of contact with. It was this and his recently-developed alcoholism that caused Kakashi to come to me. I'm glad he did – Jiraiya really needs professional help. I pity him. He seems to be a kind and gentle man, and it pains me to see how much this divorce has hurt him.

I did not prescribe him any medication this time. He seemed to feel better after just talking for an hour, so I want to talk to him and allow him to ease the weight off his chest before giving him medicine.1 I'm scheduled to meet with him again next week.

21 January 1867

Itachi made our bed for us today – it was so sweet. He's such a darling, he helps me around the house so much and he's only four years old. Such an intelligent young boy.

I met with Jiraiya for the second time. He emptied his heart out again, and this time I asked him why Tsunade wanted the divorce. He was a little hesitant at first, but he became emotional as he spoke and eventually told me everything. According to him, Tsunade was bored with a married life. She enjoyed drinking, gambling, and flirting with other men, and she believed her marriage held her back from those things. Their first eight years of marriage apparently went well, but their last two years were filled with lies and fighting.

Jiraiya partially blames himself for the divorce. He told me that he wished he would had done more exciting things and devoted more time to Tsunade – then, maybe she would have stayed. At that point he broke down and cried, and I could barely bear it. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't. Seeing as we're still almost strangers and I'm in a professional position, I stayed my distance and let him get it out. He seemed to be calmer after that, though.

As Sasuke read the diary entries, the neat scrawl of his mother's hand brought back the warm, soothing tone of her voice, and he could imagine that she was reading them to him now. He wanted to read all of them, especially the ones involving their family, but she wrote a lot of entries so he sifted through them and forced himself to only read the ones related to Jiraiya. Some of those entries were repetitive however, so Sasuke skipped forward a few to find the important ones.

25 February 1867

Jiraiya offered to take me out to eat for the fourth time since I met him. He's such a kind-hearted person; he always overpays me for our meetings and tries to thank me with all these invitation. I have to decline, of course – it's not wise for psychiatrists to form friendships with their patients. However, I take his attempts to repay me as a good sign; he must be pleased with this treatment.

Sasuke's fingers clenched the diary tightly as apprehension slowly filled his stomach. This was not a diary specifically used for writing about his mother's patients; there were entries about their family and friends, too. So why did his mother write about Jiraiya so often…?

Skimming the entries quickly, Sasuke skipped ahead a couple of months.

2 May 1867

Kakashi came over to visit today – Itachi is very fond of him – and informed me that Jiraiya is doing much better. He's been going out to more social events and Kakashi has noticed that the amount of alcohol in his house is considerably lower. This news makes me very happy.

On another note, Kakashi also said that he's been given a position at the Whitechapel (H) Division headquarters as a patrolman. He'll be working alongside Fugaku but at a lower rank, of course. Fugaku is impressed with Kakashi though; he's one of the youngest officers to join there. He is a very intelligent young man, so I'm not surprised.

4 June 1867

Jiraiya relapsed into his old drinking habits again yesterday. He told me that he was ashamed of himself for doing so, but he couldn't help it. Apparently he saw Tsunade at the park and she was on the arm of another man…and it broke Jiraiya's heart. As he talked to me about it, sobbing and cursing, the first thought that came into my mind was damn her. Jiraiya and I have worked so hard these past five months to glue to pieces of his shattered heart back together again…and Tsunade's promiscuity has caused Jiraiya's tears to melt the glue. Now, I just hope I can catch the pieces slowly sliding off so I have the chance to stitch them together for good…Damn her.

The last entry aroused mixed feelings in Sasuke. On one hand he was surprised at the intensity of emotion his mother expressed. When Mikoto was alive, she'd always been calm and serene, her emotions always balanced and never extreme. On the other hand, Sasuke was ashamed at himself for rifling through his mother's personal diaries. There were probably things in here that his mother never intended for him to know. But Sasuke knew that his was something he needed to do, so he pushed his guilt aside and continued reading.

20 June 1867

I've been helping build Jiraiya back up since his relapse and it's been slow but positive progress. I decided not to have him abstain from alcohol entirely, as that would put more strain on his already stressed mind. Instead, I've instructed him to drink no more than three glasses of alcohol a day, one with each meal. Although the temptation has been strong, he's followed my guidance and hasn't slipped up once.

The emotional healing, on the other hand, has been a bit more difficult. Jiraiya understands that Tsunade is now allowed to be with any man she wants, but he can't help feeling a little betrayed. He still loves her deeply, and it pains him to see how easily she has moved on. Unfortunately, his self-confidence has taken a hit from this and I now need to rebuild that, too. God help him.

9 July 1867

Itachi came to me crying today. I was shocked; while most four-year-olds cry a lot, Itachi rarely gets upset and when he does it doesn't last long, so I knew it must be something serious. I held him until he stopped crying, and he told me he had gone into Fugaku's office to ask him something and saw a file with lots of writing on the desk. Itachi couldn't understand everything it said so he asked his father and Fugaku explained the murder in detail. I was horrified; the murder was gruesome and Itachi began to tear up as he repeated what his father told him.

I was furious – that is nothing a four-year-old should hear. Fugaku's retort was that he didn't want to shield Itachi and make him soft. Honestly, sometimes I can't remember why I married him. He holds no compassion, not even for his own son. I left him and laid Itachi down to sleep, reading him one of my poems about the ocean. It didn't take long for him to drift off.

Let me talk about something else to calm my mind. It's been almost nine months since the divorce, so I asked Jiraiya if he had any interest in seeing another woman. I think it would help him heal. It took him awhile to respond and he chose his words carefully. He still loves Tsunade, but he wants to learn to let go of her. However, he doesn't want short-term relationships; he wants to find someone with whom he can spend the rest of his life with. He is a true romantic at heart. What I will say is that any woman who gets him will be lucky, because he will make a most devoted and loving husband.

11 August 1867

Jiraiya has been taking my advice on finding another woman. He told me that he's taken an interest in a woman named Shizune. She is pretty, nice, and comforting, but other than that he's told me nothing else. I'm glad for him though. If this relationship works out, I hope she cherishes him more than Tsunade did.

24 August 1867

Tsunade didn't come up once during our session today; Jiraiya only spoke of Shizune. He talked about how amazing she was for an entire hour. You would think she is a perfect angel from the things he said about her…that is, until I asked how he met her. Jiraiya became quiet then. He only grudgingly told me how he knew her. Apparently she is Tsunade's closest friend…now I know why he's so obsessed with her. I warned him that it would be detrimental to his progress if he continued to pursue Shizune. I think he may be going after her to get closer to Tsunade, which is the exact opposite of what I suggested. Jiraiya was not pleased with my disapproval, but I continued to urge him to put space between himself and anything related to Tsunade. At that he became angry and yelled at me before storming out the door…

…and I have been miserable ever since. I have so many mixed emotions, I can't untangle them. I feel regret for ruining Jiraiya's good mood and his hope, but I also know that what I said was right and he'll only hurt himself more by pursuing Shizune. I also feel sadness and fear…sadness that I hurt Jiraiya, and fear that he may not come back. I've come to look forward to our sessions so much that the mere thought of not seeing him again creates nervous knots in my stomach…which leads to the last emotion I feel. I know I shouldn't feel it, it's petty and wrong and hopeless…but I feel jealousy.

The fingers that held the diary were cold and the eyes that read it were unblinking. Sasuke didn't know what to react to first, the knowledge that Jiraiya now had connections to two of the Ripper victims, or the sinking realization that his mother through of Jiraiya as more than a patient and more than a friend. Either thought caused Sasuke's stomach to do anxious flips…but he knew he needed to read on.

9 September 1867

Jiraiya never showed up for our last meeting and I admit I've been very morose since then. Itachi and Fugaku have noticed the change and Itachi tries to cheer me up every day by picking me a bouquet of dandelions or washing the dishes for me. He's really a sweetheart and such a little gentleman. Fugaku remarked about my somber disposition once and hasn't said anything else since then. You would think he doesn't care at all…But I suppose it's good that he hasn't asked questions, because I'm afraid of what the answers would be.

20 September 1867

I can't find the words to describe how truly happy I am right now. Jiraiya showed up at my office a few hours ago right before I was about to leave and begged me to make some time for him. I, of course, obliged and he poured his heart out to me, all of his anger, regret, and betrayal. He told me that the relationship with Shizune didn't work out. They had started becoming closer as friends first, and then Jiraiya tried to romance her. She was hesitant to start a relationship with Jiraiya because of her loyalty to Tsunade, but she did admit that she was attracted to Jiraiya. They began to date but, according to Jiraiya, Shizune thought that Jiraiya was only using her to heal the wounds that Tsunade left. Shizune was upset by this and told Jiraiya that she didn't want to be with him anymore, and now Jiraiya's heart has been broken once again.

I am not happy because Jiraiya is heart-broken and Shizune didn't work out. The reason I'm so happy is because I still get to spend time with Jiraiya…but it's at the cost of his misery. If he finds a woman he loves and she loves him in return, then he'll no longer need me and the intimate connection we've established will break…so I selfishly want him to stay miserable in order for me to be happy. But that's not fair. The curse of humanity is that life is not fair…but that doesn't make it any more justifiable. I'm so sorry, Jiraiya…

I've done the one thing that psychiatrists are never supposed to do…I've fallen for my patient.

5 October 1867

My affections for Jiraiya are wrong and unhealthy. I have a husband and a child that I would never betray…but I can't control my attraction to him. The way he looks at me…I have tried to ignore it, to push it from my mind. He has called me beautiful before, but I told myself then he was just trying to be a gentleman. I have hid behind a mask of fake ignorance…but I know that he's always been attracted to me.

Jiraiya knows about Fugaku and Itachi, so he's never made any attempt to romance me…but it's all there in those eyes. Those deep coal eyes hold a longing for me that up until now I have refused to acknowledge. The temptation is strong, but I'm trying my best to resist…

24 October 1867

I don't know what to say. I have done something that I regret and I need to write it down, to verify with my own eyes that it actually happened…but I can't find the courage to. Writing it down will make it official and my shame will stay with me forever. I can't believe I was so weak, so foolish. But I need to put it to paper.

I slept with my patient. I had sex with Jiraiya.

There it is. I feel a sense of relief now that I've acknowledged it, but I don't feel any less guilty. Oh, God…I've betrayed Fugaku and Itachi; I don't deserve the titles of wife and mother. I have been unfaithful and it is entirely my fault…Jiraiya is not to blame.

Oh, Jiraiya. I can't face him again, I am not brave enough. I gave him everything, and when I see him again I'll have to take it all away. I won't ever put myself in this position again.

The entire thing resulted from one moment of weakness. I was angry at and tired of Fugaku's apathy. No matter what subject we speak of, he only responds with either annoyance or disinterest. I cannot remember the last time he kissed me or the last time we made love. I was feeling particularly amorous last night so once Itachi was sleeping I tried to lead Fugaku to bed. He asked me if I was interested in having another child, and taken aback, I responded that I hadn't thought of it. He then said that if I wasn't trying to have a child then the sex was pointless. I have never been so angry and offended in my life. All Fugaku cares about is extending the damn Abberline bloodline! I slept in the guest bedroom that night, sobbing and cursing until I fell asleep.

Today I refused to say goodbye to Fugaku when he left in the morning. I almost didn't feel like going to work, until I remembered that I had a session with Jiraiya. An eagerness that I am now ashamed of flooded me. I could barely focus on my other patients because I was so stressed and impatient. It was such a relief when Jiraiya showed up later in the afternoon. At first we made chit-chat and talked about his progress, but he noticed that I wasn't in the best mood and asked what was upsetting me. It all just burst out and I opened up to him like he did to me that very first day. I told him everything about Fugaku that bothered me, including the situation that happened last night. I can't believe I said all of that to him…I was a sobbing, hysterical mess.

We had switched places: he was the calm and comforting psychiatrist and I was the insecure, broken patient. When I finished Jiraiya didn't say a word, he only hugged me tightly and stroked my hair gently until I stopped crying. I can't remember Fugaku ever holding me that way. It was after Jiraiya let go of me that everything went wrong…When his touch left me, I was suddenly filled with an aching emptiness. He was kind, caring, and funny, and he actually listened and cared about what I said. I needed him and I wanted him. So I kissed him.

He was surprised but he pushed me away gently. He asked me if I was sure about what I was doing – I have a husband and child. In that moment of passion and lust and disillusionment, I was sure. So I kissed Jiraiya again and he kissed me back. And then…it's so hard to write…we soon lost our clothes and I gave myself to him. I was so rash and foolish…but I didn't feel the guilt until later. Afterwards we lay together and I fell asleep in his arms. When I awoke a couple hours later he was dressed and he kissed me on the head before leaving…and that was when the full extent of my actions reached me.

I did not only betray Fugaku…I also betrayed Jiraiya. By sharing that moment of passion with Jiraiya, I have given him a taste of something that he can't have. I did not sleep with Jiraiya out of pure lust – I also hold affections for him. Affections…why don't I stop avoiding the truth? I love him. I love Jiraiya…but I don't love him enough to hurt my family. This would destroy Fugaku, and Itachi would be caught in the middle. I can't do that to my son…But then what should I do?

Jiraiya…I don't regret that I made love to him and I don't regret that I loved him. What I do regret is that I didn't stop it when it started. I didn't have enough self-control to stop myself before I broke two hearts with one stone…and now I don't know how to keep the different broken pieces from mixing.

The leather-bound diary slowly slipped from Sasuke's fingers, falling to the floor in a ruffle of pages. His fingers curled back toward his palms and the nails dug into his soft flesh. Unblinking, his eyes stared at the floor. Time seemed to stop, as if patiently waiting for Sasuke to react. But it was not that simple. He didn't know how to react.

Sasuke wanted to be angry. He wanted to scream and curse, wanted to shred the diary with his bare hands while calling his mother a whore and a wench. He also wanted to be depressed, to sob and wail and curl up into a ball in order to shut the truth out. But most of all, he wanted to press his forehead against the cool smoothness of his mother's tombstone and let everything leak out, all his fury, sadness, and confusion, until only understanding was left.

But Sasuke could do none of these. Instead he hunched over, pressed his forehead to the floor, and choked.

He choked on a knot of bitterness that was threatening to suffocate him unless he could cough it up and expel it from his system forever. How could she do that to father? Didn't she love him? How could she do that to Itachi? And how could she still have me, knowing she'd betrayed dad like that? Tears welled in his eyes from the lack of oxygen. Images of his mother and Jiraiya together were conjured by his imagination and Sasuke bit his lip in frustration and disgust. It was wrong and she was unfaithful and whorish and stupid and –

– and she was his mother and he was being judgmental. The knot in his throat began to loosen a little. Who was he to judge his mother's past mistakes? Sasuke certainly had a handful of his own misdeeds and fumbles and he knew what it felt like to have everyone criticizing him. What his mother did was not right, but that didn't make her a whore. Hate the sin but love the sinner, didn't someone say that?

Sasuke coughed and air began to flow to his lungs. His mother slept with Jiraiya almost twenty years ago. No matter how much he hated it, he couldn't change it. Why get upset over something that he had no control over? Pushing off the ground slowly, Sasuke rose to his knees and wiped his damp eyes with his sleeves. His gaze fell on the diary and he brushed his fingers against it lightly.

"Mom," he whispered, "I forgive you." He took a deep breath and found that he could breathe easily again. "Hopefully no more surprises await me in those diaries of yours…" Because Sasuke honestly didn't know if he could handle any more bad news. Picking the diary up off the floor with twitching fingers, Sasuke found the place where he left off and forced his eyes to read on. There were more important things at stake than his sanity.

The next few entries were still about his mother's grief and regret over Jiraiya, and Sasuke skipped these as his heart clenched painfully.

28 October 1867

I've come to a decision on what I'm going to do. I can't avoid the situation forever, so I might as well deal with it now rather than later. I'm not going to tell Fugaku that I slept with Jiraiya, but it's not because I'm being selfish. If it was just Fugaku I would have to answer to then I would admit to my mistake. However, not only would it ruin my marriage and my job, it would also traumatize Itachi. He's much too young to understand now, although I'm sure Fugaku would try to make him understand. No, Itachi should not be punished for my moment of weakness. I will be the only one to suffer. Fugaku and Itachi will know nothing of it. Ignorance is indeed bliss…

As for Jiraiya, I will not hide from him. I will meet with him as scheduled and tell him the truth. I'll tell him that what happened was a mistake and it's entirely my fault. I don't blame him for any of it. I'll tell him that I care deeply about him…but I can no longer have sessions with him. I cherish all the time we've had together and I'm so proud of him for all the progress he's made, but I can't be around him anymore. Jiraiya is too much of a temptation for me and he's also a symbol of my shame and weakness. I can't ruin my family…I'm so sorry, Jiraiya. I didn't want to break your heart…I hate myself for it. But I have to, and hopefully you'll find a woman who will love you and give you everything, one love, one lifetime.2 I'm so sorry.

When Sasuke turned the page he frowned. The ripped edge of a page jutted out of the diary's spine. There was a page missing – why? It could be nothing…but Sasuke doubted it. It was probably something important, and it was also probably something that Sasuke and everyone except his mother shouldn't know. Because why else would it be missing?

7 November 1867

I don't know how to describe my meeting with Jiraiya. I'll just start from the beginning. I was so nervous, my knees were shaking and I couldn't keep my fingers steady. I was such an anxious mess. When he walked in the door to my office, the first thing that hit me was how lovingly he looked at me. His eyes…they stared at me as if I was the most precious thing in the world. But it was then that I also realized how intimidating those eyes are. I was sitting down and he stood over me, his tall, strong build and penetrating coal eyes reducing me to a quivering wreck. I desire him…and I also fear him for the same reason. Which is why I couldn't bear to see him any longer.

Jiraiya held me gently and tried to kiss me, but I turned my head. I told him that I needed to talk to him about something important, and worry creased his features almost immediately. I tried to be as kind and gentle as I could when I spoke, and I told him everything I said I would in my last entry. But no matter how kind I was, I couldn't stop the heart-breaking look of insecurity and helplessness from forming on his face.

Jiraiya stuttered and stumbled over his words, desperately begging me not to leave him. He told me that he couldn't imagine life without me, that ever since he started coming to me his depression was barely a nuisance. He told me he needed me…and that was when I started crying. But I remained firm. I told him, I made sure he knew that it wasn't him. There is nothing wrong with him – it's all me. He is a kind and wonderful man…and it hurt me to see him cry. I wish there was another way…

Jiraiya never was angry with me, only distraught and upset. I finally made him understand why we couldn't continue to have sessions, but he of course was still unhappy. It was hard to say goodbye to him. I'll still see him again sometimes, as he is a close friend of Kakashi's, but I will greet him only as a psychiatrist would greet a past patient, nothing more. It was sad…and heart-breaking. His eyes were red from crying, those beautiful coal eyes, yet they were intense and passionate as he kissed my hand. And then he left…and now I feel an emptiness that I cannot explain.

Oh Jiraiya…please, I hope you can forgive me someday.

Inhaling deeply and closing his eyes, Sasuke managed to suppress the feelings of betrayal and helplessness that were threatening to rise up. It wasn't just an affair…his mother held a tenderness for Jiraiya that she never showed for his father. Would she have been happier with Jiraiya…? Sasuke shook his head roughly, banishing the thought. That was the past, he thought. This is now. Flipping through more pages, he searched for any more mentions of Jiraiya. Five more pages in and he encountered another ripped-out page. Coincidence? Could the topic on both pages be the same?

Sasuke continued to skim through the pages, but for the next four months there were very few mentions of Jiraiya, and when he was mentioned it wasn't important. However, in February of 1868 there was another missing entry. Sasuke frowned. "Mom," he muttered, "what were you trying to hide? What was so horrible that you had to erase all traces of it?"

There was still twelve years worth of entries for Sasuke to look through. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair; that was lot of reading. But he forced himself to find the motivation and continued his search. He switched over to the next diary when he got to the end of the first one. Throughout both diaries there were more random pages missing, and Sasuke was sure that they were all connected. He began to get the sinking feeling that they involved Jiraiya, as the man was barely mentioned at all in the twelve years worth of entries. But why would his mother tear out those entries when she didn't tear out all the previous entries about him? There was something off about all of it.

It wasn't until he reached the year 1880 that Sasuke found an entry about Jiraiya that was interesting.

12 August 1880

I must admit that I am frightened. I saw Jiraiya again today…but that's not what scares me. I dropped Sasuke off at Iruka's today to see Naruto, Sakura, and the other kids, and Jiraiya was not there then. However, when I came to pick up Sasuke later Jiraiya was in the living room talking to Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. Apparently he came by to converse with Iruka and see Naruto. The boy thinks of Jiraiya as a father-figure. But the look Jiraiya gave me…I didn't like it. His eyes were filled with intensity and an emotion I couldn't read, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fear that he told Sasuke everything.

I made polite small-talk and then took Sasuke and left as fast as I could. I don't like the way Jiraiya looks at Sasuke…I don't trust him to be around my boy. Thankfully I don't think Jiraiya said anything to him, because Sasuke didn't act any differently toward me. But I have this dreadful feeling that he'll try to tell Sasuke sometime…and I won't let him.

The first thing that struck Sasuke was that now he knew why Jiraiya had always looked at him so strangely. He'd wanted to tell Sasuke the truth about his mother…although why he tried to tell Sasuke and not Itachi, Sasuke wasn't sure. The second thing Sasuke wondered about was why this page was not torn out. It also involved Jiraiya and his mother's secret, so why did his mother leave it?

Sasuke continued on, but only grudgingly. His apprehension increased as the dates flew by; the day his parents were murdered drew ever closer…

Early in October there were two more pages missing, one after another, but after that the rest of the pages of the diary were left intact. Slowly Sasuke reached October 32rd, the day before his parents were killed and the last entry his mother ever wrote. The last and the most important, because it was then that Sasuke made the connection he had been too emotional to make before.

23 October 1880

I'm so nervous…tomorrow is the anniversary of that day, the day I made the worst mistake of my life. Every year on that day I am overcome with shame and regret, but this year I feel a new emotion: fear. I don't know why, but my instincts are telling me to be cautious. I think it's because of my last interaction with Jiraiya…he left with anger and bitterness in his heart. I'm afraid that anger has turned to hate for me. I can understand if Jiraiya hates me…I'm just afraid that he may put his hate into action.

I might be overreacting, and maybe I'm just paranoid. But if my foolish actions put my family in danger, I will never forgive myself. Please God, give me strength and courage…because I really need it.

The diary hit the floor at the same moment that pain and rage replaced the blood in Sasuke's veins. How could he have not noticed before? The date that his mother had an affair with Jiraiya was the same date that his parents were murdered.

There was no doubt about it anymore. Jiraiya was the Whitechapel Slaughterer. Jiraiya murdered his mother and father.

xXx

1 Does anyone know what psychological term this refers to? I'll give you a hint – it deals with Sigmund Freud.

2 The "one love, one lifetime" line is actually from the song All I Ask Of You from the 2004 movie version of the Phantom of the Opera.