Chapter 21: Reflection
Amanda stared at the article displayed on her PADD, her elbows propped up on the tiny kitchen table, her fingers massaging her temples in a vain attempt to make the forming headache go away.
The day before- mere hours before Sarek showed up on her doorstep- she had been heading onto campus for her seminar. When she got off the shuttle at her usual stop, it was to find a woman waiting for her. She had told her that she worked for a local e-news center, which featured a column on celebrity relationships every Saturday. She had then proceeded to take pictures of Amanda as she walked away from her- and she had bombarded her with questions. Personal questions- she even dared to ask if a Vulcan was any good in bed! Not that Amanda knew, anyway, but she couldn't believe the woman's audacity, and her temper had easily peaked. When she continued to be unresponsive, the woman had changed tact.
"There have been rumors going around about you and the ambassador- that you broke up. Are you still together or not?"
The last two weeks had been hard enough. That question was only a reminder, and as it was asked, it was like a knife going through her heart. She snapped- spinning around to face the woman.
"No, we're not! Are you happy? Now leave me alone!" she snarled. She was tired of paparazzi hounding her. They only reminded her of what she had lost- and she didn't want them meddling any more. Hopefully, this would put an end to it. She had turned back around and entered the college grounds.
Now, as she looked at the article before her, she regretted snapping. Had Sarek seen this? What would he think of her- announcing their initial break-up like she had? She reread it for what felt like the hundredth time...
But did it really matter if the public knew of their separation? Although she had told him the night before that it wasn't officially over...she knew that it was. Even if he understood what she needed, she knew he could not give it, and she was prepared for that fact. She did not expect him to go against everything he knew, just for her. She knew better than to expect too much.
With a deep sigh, she sat back in her chair. She had missed him...and then, totally unexpectedly, he had shown up out of the blue, and kissed her like...well, she didn't have a metaphor for it. She still wasn't sure what was going on. Why had he backed out of the marriage? He had given her the how, but what had been his motivation?
She was sure that, whatever it was, it was every bit as logical as his reasoning for dating her. She huffed in frustration as she thought about that. He had dated her for the same exact reason that he had proposed to her: because she could teach him about Terrans. Did he really have no other motivation for it? Or did he just pretend not to? Were Vulcans so ashamed of their emotions that they refused to recognize love- the strongest of them all? Did he love her? Did he realize that he loved her?
She knew that answer as it pertained to herself. She had known for some time that her affection for him was growing, but she wasn't sure of the exact moment when it mutated into something more. Or maybe she had felt it for a long time- and had not dared to name it. She had denied it, even as it grew stronger. And...with good reason, considering how things had turned out.
Amanda rubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands. She had not slept well the night before- her brain had simply refused to shut off. Thoughts of Sarek, of the fact that he had not married that woman after all...of the way he had kissed her...had chased each other through her mind for hours, before she finally succumbed to the darkness hovering at the edges of her consciousness.
Her heart screamed at her not to...but her mind knew that it was only right for her to let him go. It was...logical.
Sarek lit the final bowl of incense, and then took his place on the mat, legs folded. He must meditate. He must search within himself for the answer to what Amanda required of him.
He had instructed T'Shan to refuse all incoming calls, and to not disturb him. He had caught up on the sleep he had needed and not received for several days the night before...and now he was prepared to meditate continuously until he reached a conclusion- or he was forced to stop. Whichever came first.
He took deep breaths, inhaling the spicy scent of the incense. A deep calm that he had not experienced in two weeks settled over him as he sank into a meditative state. He was no longer in torment. He had done what was required to free the way for he and Amanda...and as for their current problem...
He had been almost eager as he rushed to her apartment the night before. He had not even paused to think about the late hour. All that mattered was getting to his Amanda and telling her that their way was clear. When she had opened the door, he had been unable to restrain himself from taking her into his arms- in what was a very un-Vulcan action. He attributed it to his lack of proper meditation.
He had not expected her to have doubts...although now, of course, he realized that it was logical after what had occurred, that she be wary of accepting him again. But he had confidence that this would soon be resolved, and she would no longer fear for their relationship. Everything depended on it...he must find the answer.
He had not told her about the link they shared. If she knew about it, she would likely feel obligated to be with him, because he could not bond with anyone else. He did not want her to be with him out of obligation. That was precisely what he had just escaped from- a chained marriage. If she did not desire to bond with him, then he would not attempt to force her into it. But if he could salvage their relationship at this time, he would certainly try to.
But what was it that she needed of him, to assuage her doubts? As to that, he was confused. He had not bonded with T'Para. He had defended her before the Council and T'Pau. What more did she want?
"I need to know that there are illogical reasons for this relationship, too..."
To what illogical reason had she referred to? He was courting her because he wished to bond with her...he wished to bond with her because she could teach him. He enjoyed her company, he enjoyed kissing her...she made him feel...Ahh, that was it.
Even he could admit that his reasoning for not bonding with T'Para was...less than logical. Perhaps he should have told Amanda this? That he had refused the bonding because he simply did not wish to go through with it- because he wished to be with her?
Sarek's brow furrowed, even as he was still in deep meditation. Why had he not wished to bond with T'Para? And if his reasoning for being with Amanda was so logical, why had their separation pained him so? These questions disturbed him. Perhaps there were illogical reasons after all...
He was beginning to get closer to what Amanda required, he knew it...and he knew it was time to evaluate his feelings for her. He had denied himself this before. Logical beings did not dwell on their emotions- because they did not allow them to interfere with their decisions- but wasn't that what he had already done? Had he not acted emotionally when he refused to marry T'Para? If there was ever a time to dissect and study his emotions, it was now.
He focused himself inwardly, and thought of Amanda. Her brown eyes- shining as they looked at him. Her lips, curving in a smile- lips that he knew were even softer than they looked. Her voice, a caress to his senses. Contentment settled over him, mingled with the unnameable feelings he experienced for her. She had given him names for many of them. But he never acknowledged them like he should.
She made him feel...proud. He was proud when he pleased her, when he made her smile or laugh. He was proud that she was his. That she wanted no one else.
She made him...happy, when he was with her. He felt light, and his heart seemed to beat faster when she was near. He did not understand why she made him feel this way. But she did.
He felt...desire for her. Vulcans were not supposed to desire. Yet he did, for her. He desired to kiss her. He desired to hold her cool body close to his. And...sometimes, when she was too close to him, he felt the illogical desire to take her as his, even though he was not in the midst of Pon Farr.
He felt both protective and possessive. She belonged to him. He did not want to see her with another male. And if anyone were to ever harm her- or even touch her- he would have to step in. He could not bear to see her hurt. And it was her hurt, most of all, that had pained him these last two weeks. He had hurt her when he left her behind. He had hurt her with logic- just as she had claimed. He was his own worst enemy.
Yes, he felt all of these things. But what caused them? Why did he feel proud, happy, desirous and protective of her? These were all connected. They were parts that made a whole. They were products of something much more powerful.
Suddenly, he understood.
Love. Love was what this was- the very emotion humans placed so much importance on in their decision-making process with their mates. How could he have been so in denial as to not recognize it for what it was? That much of what he had done, was out of love for her? He had spent so much time ignoring his emotions, he had nearly lost her because of it. He had not allowed himself the truth- that when it came to her, even his logical decisions were infused with emotion.
This was what she sought from him. She wanted to know that he felt this way, for him to leave her in no doubt of it. She wanted to be reassured that this was the illogical reason he had for being with her. That their relationship was not based solely on logic. And it wasn't- he had known this all along, even if he would not have admitted it freely. She, however, did not know- because he had never told her.
She did not know how much he had already done because of this love. He had not bonded with T'Para. He had stood up to the Council and his matriarch. He had shelved his Vulcan dignity to participate in courtship. He had done everything he could to stay with her- because he loved her.
He had used logic in each situation, of course. Yet, this love had been what drove him to seek logical alternatives in situations that seemed hopeless. Amanda had once told him that logic could be bent to suit one's desires. She was correct. He had done so, without even realizing it. And if he had done it before, he could do so again in the future.
He felt light, as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, as he stood from the mat. The incense had burned down- the scent was not even lingering in the air. How long had he been in meditation? He checked his internal clock, and was surprised to find that it had been six hours and twenty-four minutes.
He now knew what she needed. But how to tell her? How to soothe away her worries? He was inadequate when it came to verbal expression. But he must learn, if he wanted to keep her. And he did want to keep her.
As much as Sarek wished to tell her today- he must wait. He did not yet have the proper words. He wanted to do this right- to prove that her fears were baseless. He must consider the task before him carefully- there was no room for errors.
A/N: Just want to point out that the article mentioned that Amanda was reading, will be in the next chapter. So you don't feel like I left it out completely :)
Also...to nonymouse's review for chapter 19...good job at noticing that T'Para is a geneticist :) You're right- we haven't seen the last of her.