Hi everyone, sorry I haven't posted in the past few days. I've had some work to do. Anyway, thanks to new reviewers! Wow, eight reviews for a chapter, thanks so much!

Right so…

Right Hand Blue: Okay happier? Thanks very much, it's hard to write situations you aren't in, but I love them, so I tried

KateGreysFan: Painful? Sorry! But thanks, again, it's important for me to be realistic, but still, it was painful to write as well

Addiekatefan: Thanks, here you go!

Simbagirl: No worries, I know how that is. I appreciate your comments. I don't like Mark much on the show, but I think he is a decent enough guy, he has issues sure, and I haven't decided on level of Maddison, but regardless I want him to be a genuinely good guy.

Muse-of-the-fairies: thanks and glad you enjoy it

Ficklewriter: Hi! Thanks very much, realistic is hard to imagine in the AU universe, but I try and watch Addek moments if I get confused and it seems to help

Queen Satan: Yeah, it is sad. I hope he does too, but he's still very human

Crazy-chica6: thanks, and yes the ball is in his court, we'll see how he decides to serve back, glad you know…I only hope

Sidenote I don't like poems much on fanfiction and I'm not a huge fan of song fics, but I like varying things a little so the lyrics here are only bits of "It must have been love," the Roxette version. I don't own them.

Okay without further adieu, usual TV disclaimer applies and off we go….

Chapter 21: What did I do?

Addison stood staring out her window. It was raining in New York. She wasn't really surprised, in the winter months it was gloomy, depressing even. Derek was gone and the loss was palpable even inside the house where he rarely set foot anyway. There was something about him officially moving out that was unsettling to her. She wasn't paranoid but she was also nervous with the baby coming. She turned away feeling uncharacteristically chilly. Rooting through her drawer she found a shawl he bought her while he was at a medical conference in India, years ago. It was soft and warm and she pulled it closer wrapping her arms around her stomach. The bathroom light was on and for some reason it seemed too cheerful for her mood so she walked to the doorway to turn it off. Once glance at the empty counter reminder her of what her life was like, none of Derek's daily things rested beside her own, much like his body no longer warmed the bed. She wanted him and his presence surrounding her.

"Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away..."

She missed him, she missed everything about him, even arguing with him or wondering if he would come home. Addison wanted him to come back, she closed her eyes and imagined the day he would walk into her life and sweep her off her feet. She may have decided this was a good idea, but sometimes she just wasn't sure why.

"I miss you," she whispered out loud, she missed contact and human comfort.

Just then she heard the doorbell ring and she headed downstairs.

"Mark?" She smiled opening it.

"Hey Ads, I talked to Derek today, he had a surgery and wasn't sure if he could make it over for dinner," he hesitated, "he asked me if I could stop by for a bit, drop you off some groceries," sure enough he was holding two paper bags worth of food and Addison stepped aside letting him walk in.

"How is he?" She followed him into the kitchen and walked up next to him to help put things away.

"He's fine," Mark hesitated, "I think he misses you though, his smile is sad."

He suddenly noticed she was unpacking the food and stopped her by pulling the bag away.

"Sit, I'll do it," he ordered.

Addison decided to obey and watched him easily stock her shelves, sometimes she forgot how easily he fit into the situations he was in.

"Do you want to stay for dinner," she finally offered.

Mark smiled at her, "thanks for the offer, but Derek is going to try to make it and I got a hot date tonight."

She rolled her eyes, "oh really?"

"What?" He looked offended and she decided to be nice.

"Okay fine, how about you help a pregnant woman make her husband dinner," she finally offered.

He suddenly looked uncomfortable, "I don't want you to be upset if he doesn't show, or mad at me. I'm not sure if he will, he'd like to, but…" he trailed off.

"I know," and she did, "but two of us still have to eat, and I don't mean you since you have a hot date."

"For you and baby, anything," he quickly acquiesced.

They cooked mostly in easy companionship, a few jokes and tid-bits about their day shared, but mostly just easy friendship

She finally broke the silence with a serious topic, "Mark, I don't know what I did," she whispered.

"What do you mean," he stopped chopping the vegetables and glanced her way.

"Did I destroy my marriage?" her voice broke and the tears came.

"No," and he was next to her wrapping his strong arms around her and pulling her close.

"No, you didn't," he assured her feeling her pain as if it was his own.

"What if I destroyed everything, what if this is the last straw, what if he doesn't come back, what if our marriage is over and it's because of me?" Her tears were choking her and she clutched him almost frantically.

"It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out"

"Addison," he rubbed her back soothingly, "you did what you had to do."

"Did I," she hated how weak she sounded, and felt.

"Yes," he had no doubts.

"Why do you think that," she had to know, maybe Mark had some magical foresight powers.

"Because you're Derek and Addison," he smiled thinking of their life together, "and you have a baby growing inside you Ads, it is proof of that."

"But Mark," she was cut off by him.

"He'll come back to you Addison, it might not be right away, but he will. Do you know why?"

"Why," she whimpered.

"Because he loves you so much honey, he's lost, and he's confused, he may be egocentric, even a jackass, but he loves you," Mark had no doubt of this.

"Derek could decide we're not enough, he might never really be here," she whispered.

"He will have to make a choice Addison," Mark finally affirmed.

"What if he doesn't choose us," a scenario that almost made her physically ill.

"He will, he doesn't ultimately has a choice, he just doesn't see that yet," Mark knew his friend couldn't leave her.

"Am I being mean," she did feel terrible.

"No Ads, you're not," he gave her a gentle squeeze, "you're absolutely not."

"Really?" Mark was Derek's best friend and she knew Mark would tell her the truth if she was really being mean to him.

"He does need a reality check, and best it come from you, you are not in the wrong here." Mark hated his friend, no pregnant woman should have to deal with this different situation as well.

"Okay," she whispered, "you know why I wanted this Mark?"

"Why," he thought he did, but maybe not.

"Because I wish he was here," she hesitated, "I miss being held."

He said nothing, but within his arms she could pretend more easily that it was Derek who was here with her. It was an illusion she happily embraced for she feared that she would turn to one giant puddle if she couldn't have him.

"Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away..."

She pulled back feeling suddenly pathetic and he rested his chin on her head.

"Are you alright," his voice was full of concern.

"Yeah," she wasn't really sure.

"You're not in the wrong," he whispered, "He needed this."

She pulled away, "will you tell me if he's going to leave me Mark?"

He stared at her, "I think you'll know before anyone else Ads, I won't. He won't leave you."

"But Mark," she stared into his eyes trying to discern and found only calm.

Suddenly his lips were to close and before she knew it she was kissing him frantically like she was an animal starved for food.

"Addison," he pushed her away and searched her eyes waiting for her to realize.

"Oh God," she stepped back like she had been burned

"Mark, I…" she had no excuse.

"Mark I'm sorry, it's just you were here, I don't know what Derek and I are going to do, I'm so worried about our future, about the baby, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I'm sorry, I can't cheat on him, I don't know what we're going to do. It's hard, I mean if we divorce, I'll need a friend. You've been such a great friend, I can't lose you. I just, I needed you," in her frantic ramble she somehow managed to realize that Mark had moved in again.

He was holding both sides of her face and he was smiling sadly at her.

"Addison, I wish you weren't faced with this, god knows I'd do anything to spare you pain, but life isn't like that. I want to be your friend, and no matter what happens with Derek, I will be here. I know you don't want to lose our friendship. I won't deny that I find you to be a strong, talented, beautiful and absolutely amazing woman, but this isn't right. I shouldn't have put you in this position, I'm sorry."

She could only stare brokenly at him wishing the last few minutes could be redone.

He pulled away with a look of terrible sadness in his eyes, "I should go."

"Mark," she whispered feeling as though her last safety net was tearing apart.

"I'll see you soon, please don't hesitate to call," he smiled and then walked away.

She saw him leave and realized that when Derek walked away she feared the loss of their life together. Now she also feared the loss of a dear friend.

" It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows"

"Mark," the door closed behind him and Addison felt the tears start falling.

She couldn't stand there feeling pathetic, he was gone, but she had to focus on what she did. What did she do?

She kissed Mark, not Derek, but Mark. Why?

She was so stupid. The day she met Derek, their courtship, medical school, marriage, internships, it was all there. It had been good then; all she wanted was that goodness back again. That was all she wanted. Mark had been there through it all, did he love her? She saw the grief in his eyes, even if he did; he was their friend, first and foremost. He saw it all happen and now, she choked back a sob, and now he could be gone forever…and maybe Derek with him.

"It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out"

Had time really run out for her and Derek? She refused to believe it was true, she was still in the battle, and she wanted them to win. She didn't want their life together to be over. Their time hadn't run out, somehow Mark had to be right. Derek had to come back to her.