"I'm going to bed, Nicol. I'll see you back in the dorm."
"Ok, I'm just going to finish up this chapter. I'll be back soon," Nicol says, his eyes not leaving the perimeter of his textbook.
"Good luck. Hey do you still need this book?" I ask, waving the thin book in front of him.
He finally looks up, "nah; I've read it like four times. It doesn't make any sense to me. Do you understand any of it?"
"A little; only what Tieria explained to me," I reply, stacking the purple covered text book on top of the rest of my books. "Anyway, good luck."
"Yeah, thanks. Night," Nicol says, squinting to refocus his eyes back on his book.
"Night," I mumble as I begin pacing away. My eyelids are heavy and barely open as I wander back to the dorm. Glancing up at the clock, I realize it's almost midnight. The mobile suit licensing begins tomorrow morning at 09:00. I've had my head buried in text books for the last week, and now my brain feels like it's turned to goo. I hate studying for tests; it's always so nerve wracking. I keep thinking back to things I feel like I don't know very well, but I think it's probably too late to learn them now. The written exam is less than ten hours away. I shudder slightly, and carry on to the dorm. The lights are off, but our curfew has been extended as it's our last night to study. When I left Nicol in the library, it was still packed with students taking part in last minute cram sessions. I feel like I've done all I can, and my mind is slowly shutting down.
I enter the dorm quietly and slip off my shoes. Tieria and Kira are both sound asleep, and I do my best not to wake them. I clumsily fumble on a pair of pajama pants and throw my clothes in a pile beneath my desk before climbing to the top of my bunk. Once the curtain is pulled around my bed, I flick on my light for a last minute look at my text book. I prop my pillow against the wall and lean back against the insufficient padding of the hard surface and stare at what appears only to be a jumble of letter and numbers on my page.
Come on, focus! No matter how many times I tell myself, I think I've reached my saturation point. The written exam is in nine hours, I think I'm out of luck for now. Following the written exam, there's the practical portion in which we are matched up with an invigilator and asked to perform certain skills tasks and skill. I guess if they figure you can follow instructions well enough then you receive your license. It seems like a pretty pointless test; if you can lift the mobile suit's left arm when they tell you to and answer a few questions about its engine then you're fit to pilot one in battle. What a joke.
It isn't the practical portion I'm worried about as I've had more than enough practice; it's the written portion. I can pilot a mobile suit fine, but I don't know much about the mechanics. Tieria has taught me a bit and I've been reading up on it a lot in the last week, but I still don't feel ready. Maybe it isn't that I don't feel like I know enough, maybe it's that I don't know if this is what I should be doing. I've already been dispatched on one mission, and yet it still doesn't seem completely real. Once I have my license I can be plucked from this academy and thrown on a team faster than I know. Or worse – I could be taken as the final member of the van Aderkas team. I don't want to leave the academy or my friends. Is this really what I want to do? To be a soldier and fight in a mobile suit until the war is over or until I die; whatever happens to befall me first.
Ugh, I shouldn't be thinking about this right now, I need to get some sleep or I won't be able to focus tomorrow. I shake my head and lean over the bed rail to place my text book on my dresser. Flicking the lights off, I lay back and rest my hands behind my head. I feel exhausted, yet I'm wide awake. I can't force my brain to stop thinking. I have a bad feeling about tomorrow.
Nicol still isn't back yet. He and I have barely left the library this week, yet I haven't seen Kira or Tieria there once. They both seem so relaxed. I guess Tieria is no surprise, but Kira should have at least been studying. I've never seen him pilot before; I assume he's in a lower level group. Then again, he's always been good at whatever he does. Shinn and Rey have also spent a lot of time in the library, as have Yzak and Dearka. There are only a few others in our group that are taking the licensing test.
What if Kira, Tieria and Nicol all pass but I fail. Will they be taken from the academy and put on teams while I'm left behind? What if we're all separated? I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to write this test. I don't want to be here at all. I run my fingertips along the edge of my mother's photograph. If only she were still alive, I wouldn't even be here.
My finger hits a bump at the corner of the photo paper: the thumbtack. No. I told myself I wasn't doing this anymore. But the thoughts won't stop. I don't know how else to make them go away. Should I message Lacus? No, it's past midnight; I can't bother her. I could wake up Kira or Tieria? Or I could go find Nicol, he's still awake. But what do I say? I'm stressed out? They're all in the same position I am. This is stupid; I'm too weak to overcome such a measly wave of thoughts. Was I always this weak?
I pull the tack from the wall and press it into my arm. Why am I doing this? I said I wouldn't do this anymore. I don't want to think about it. I push the sharp object in again, harder this time, creating a second streak across my pale flesh. A third… and a fourth. My mind becomes completely numb. I drop the tack, barely hearing it hit the floor behind my bed.
All that I can think about is the welcomed pain in my arm. Pulling my wrist close to my chest, I curl up facing the wall. I clench my eyes shut and feel a tear burn down my face. Why do I have such a horrible feeling about tomorrow?
I awaken to the sound of Nicol's extremely persistent alarm clock ringing across the room. I hear him slap the off button, but strangely enough he doesn't get up. He must have been up later than I thought. I sit up and rub my eyes with the back of my hand. My head still feels tremendously cloudy from last night. My wrist is tender under the wrist band, and every now and then when I move it the wrong way it stings. I put my palm to my forehead; I can't believe I did it again. I inhale deeply and pull my curtain back.
Tieria's moving around in his bed, but there's no movement from Nicol's corner of the room. Strange, usually he's out of bed instantly. I ensure that my wristband s covering my wounds, then climb out of bed and head for the shower. I turn the water on cold, hoping it will wake me up since I'm so exhausted from last night. I wash my hair and then continue to let the cold water hit my face with a light force. The temperature feels soothing and I feel more relaxed than I've felt in days.
Today's the day – once I get through today it's done. I climb out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. Once dry and clothed, I wander back out into the dorm to find Nicol still asleep. Kira and Tieria are chatting casually, but Nicol's curtain is still shut. I cast Kira a questioning glance, but he only shrugs his shoulders in response.
"Dude, are you ok?" I ask, pulling Nicol's curtain slightly.
"Huh? Wha?" Nicol mumbles.
"It's time to get up. We're supposed to be down there in an hour. You should get up," I insist, pulling his curtain further.
"Right. Sorry," he says, sitting up rubbing his eyes.
"How late were you up last night?"
"Uh... I uno," he murmurs, "maybe two?" He sits up a bit more and then collapses back into his pillow.
I hear a thump and turn to see Tieria jump off his bed, his knees nearly buckling under him. Kira and I laugh a bit, and then Tieria turns on the light before wandering into the bathroom himself.
Kira too, jumps down from his bed and walks over to Nicol's bed.
"Dude, you're pale as fuck! What's wrong with you?" Kira says blatantly.
"I'm just tired," Nicol insists, again rubbing his eyes.
"I'm getting food, coming?" Kira asks me, pulling on a clean t-shirt.
"Uh, yeah. Nicol?" I ask.
"I'll be there soon. I'm gonna take a shower."
"See yeah," Kira says. I follow him out of the room and towards the cafeteria. He seems so relaxed.
At 9:30, we along with the rest of the applicants assemble in the first gymnasium to write the written portion of the exam. I'm blown away by the number of students present; there were only about two hundred students in our year, but I suppose students and soldiers from other years are writing the test too. The doors are opened to reveal a sea of desks as well as many invigilators. As we begin pouring into the room, I lose track of Kira, Tieria and Nicol. I'm swept into a desk before I get a chance to look around. Oh well, I'll meet up with them later. I need to focus now. I wait impatiently as everyone takes their seat and I sloppily fill out my name on the multiple choice bubble sheet. Contrary to others, I hate multiple choice tests. At least if its written answer, I can try for part marks. It seems whenever I'm trying to answer a multiple choice question, I have it narrowed down to two answers and I have to guess. I lean back in my seat and continue to wait. I glance around, but I can't seem to spot any of the other three. Perhaps there are more people in the other gym.
The written portion doesn't prove to be overly difficult. All those tutorials from Tieria paid off in the end, even if I did offend him several times by falling asleep. I ended up leaving earlier than the majority of the students writing, and I'm not sure whether to be proud or worried because of that. Regardless, it's over and I feel extremely relieved. One part down, one to go. In all honesty, I'm far more worried about the practical portion now that it's upon me. I wonder if we'll be required to fight at all; they were a little vague on the details.
After dropping by the dorm to pick up my stuff for the second portion of the test, I slowly wander on down to the cafeteria. I didn't eat anything at breakfast; I was too nervous I guess, but I'm starving now. I fill my plate with hash browns, bacon, eggs and toast. It's weird; I hardly ever come to the cafeteria alone. Just as I'm about to pick up my cutlery, I hear a familiar voice behind me.
"Finally work up an appetite after writing that test?"
Startled, I quickly turn around to see Nicol behind me, a tray full of food in his hands as well.
"Hey – Yeah. How 'bout you? No time for breakfast this morning? You kind of slept in."
"Yeah. I was up late last night," Nicol says, following me to a table. "So what did you think?"
"I thought it was ok, what about you?"
"I found it difficult actually," Nicol frowns, "I don't know if I passed. Oh well, maybe the practical part will save me."
I offer an encouraging smile, "I'm sure you'll do fine." Nicol's a pretty decent pilot, he's naive at times, but in time he'll be a good addition to ZAFT. I look up at him, the only thing he's focused on right now is stuffing his face – which reminds me, I should be doing the same. I resume stuffing my own mouth full of food.
"Hey," I mumble, my mouth filled with hash browns, "did you see Kira or Tieria at all? I haven't seen them since we went into the gymnasium."
"Nope," he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin, "but they're doing the tests in shifts; perhaps they're already doing it?" Nicol suggests.
"Right," I say. Something doesn't feel right. How did I completely lose sight of them in the gym? I guess I didn't see Nicol either. Maybe he's right. Either way, I need to focus on this test now.
After breakfast, I sit alone in the common room impatiently awaiting the dreaded test of fate only hours away. This was a terrible idea, sitting here doing nothing. I feel like my nerves are going to eat me from the inside out. My stomach has been doing back flips all morning and I can even feel myself breathing heavily. Annoyed, I leave the common room and proceed to pace around the building until it's finally 1430.
At that time, I head for the locker room and change into my burgundy pilot suit. I can feel my heart racing through the material. Why am I so nervous? I've fought battles in mobile suits before, yet I'm terrified of a stupid test. I sit down on the bench; beads of sweat pour off my forehead and my hands shake as I finger the ring on the chain around my neck. I wonder if Hylas would be applying if he were here now. I squeeze the ring tightly before zipping up the collar of my pilot suit.
I slowly close my locker and reluctantly make my way to the hangar where I find the last person I would have liked to see about now: Shinn Asuka. I haven't spoken to him since the night with Luna. He shoots me a dirty look and is about to open his mouth to speak just as a commander enters the room. He takes our names and directs us into mobile suits. We head out along with a few other people. I make a mental note of the number of Shinn's mobile suit as we pace slowly out into the field.
As we approach the main battle field, I notice a number of student mobile suits paired with white ZAKU's, much like the one Tieria had piloted on the mission. I'm separated from the rest of the students, and paired with one of the invigilators in white. As he orders certain commands, I realize how young the person sounds; he can't be much older than me. His head appears on my main screen, but I'm unable to make out his face under his helmet. He continues to spout off simple commands; lift the right arm, left arm, focus cameras and read small print, draw weapons, touch certain points with the hands, etc. It's all simple things that I've never really thought about before while piloting. Once the tasks are complete, we engage in a short, controlled sparing match.
Overall, I feel that I did fairly well. I guess this test is designed for those who haven't had much experience in a mobile suit; after all, pilots aren't actually supposed to embark on missions like ours without a license. I don't know why I was so nervous.
Once finished the match, I am informed that I'll receive the results within twenty four hours, and I am sent to the sparring field. I guess this is their last chance to see how we fight from a spectator's perspective. Uninstructed, I approach a lone mobile suit and offer to spar with him. He turns around, and I am mortified when I recognize the number on his suit. I wonder if he recognizes me as well. Unfortunately, I glance around to see the evaluators watching us already, waiting for something to happen. An invigilator approaches to instructs us and we are each handed a shield and to my surprise, a beam saber. I've never fought with a weapon such as this before; it makes me nervous.
"In this match, you will demonstrate your power, your skill and most of all, your control. You have been supplied with one of the more deadly weapons generally wielded by a mobile suit pilot. Unnecessary killing is a huge problem amongst soldiers. Once a soldier holds a powerful weapon, they become less than human. You are to disarm your opponent only. Good luck," the invigilator in the white ZAKU's pilot says, stepping aside and allowing us to begin.
I take up a defensive position and await Shinn's next action. Sure enough, his face appears on my screen and his beam saber ignites. I've never handled or even seen a real beam saber before. I've used practice ones for certain, but I've never held such a powerful weapon in my own hands. Come to think of it, it isn't my own hands I'm worried about.
Sure enough, Shinn raises his beam saber above his head and quickly moves for a vertical slash. I quickly ignite my own weapon and block it high above my own head. I break free of the hold and manage to swing my weapon horizontally into Shinn's shield, causing him to stumble backwards.
Before long, our innocent sparring match has escalated into a heated battle. We simultaneously swing our weapons only to have them clash and lock at shoulder level. To my utter astonishment, Shinn thrusts me back with great force and before I have time to react and regain my position, his beam saber is raised high above his shoulders in both hands.
"You've taken everything from me! No matter what I do, all you ever do is cause me more pain! I'm through with trying!"
"Shinn stop!" I gasp as he brings it down fiercely through the shoulder of my machine, piercing the left side of my cockpit.
"Arrrrggggghhhh!!" I let out a hoarse cry as it comes into contact with my body. My mobile suit is thrown back and I feel an overwhelming heat conquer my body. I know I should be in pain right now, but I all I feel is hot. I can see blood gushing from my hand, but then I realize I'm still in battle. My cockpit is wide open now.
I look up to see his weapon again raised above his head, ready for the killing blow.
"THIS ENDS TODAY!" Shinn belows.
This is it; it's all over.
"Athrun! Get out of there!"
That voice… it's painstakingly familiar. The invigilator; the white ZAKU! The face appears on my screen! It's Kira!
Before I'm able to speak, the ZAKU dives in front of me, blocking Shinn's blow. The ZAKU's beam sword and Shinn's beam saber swing wildly against each other. I hear both of them scream angrily; words I cannot distinguish. I can hear my heart beating through my chest; I cough and look down at the blood covering my monitor. Am I dying? I grit my teeth tightly and force myself to watch the ongoing battle; a battle more ferocious than any I've seen or fought before. I can taste the blood in my mouth, and I feel as though I'm going to pass out. I force myself to continue to stare.
I watch in horror as the two suits swing their weapons violently, accompanied by loud cries of pain and determination. I hear a blood curdling scream, only to see Shinn's green beam saber emerge from the back of Kira's cockpit. Shinn too releases a horrid scream as Kira's sword simultaneously pierces his cockpit, and the two suits begin to spark and fall.
The white ZAKU hit's my machine.
Everything goes black.
Does this answer some questions? Sort of? Not yet? I suppose you'll have to keep reading...
Let me know what you thought, the more reviews, the faster the next chapter will go up!
Do I believe in character death? I guess you'll find out!!