Chapter 21
She glanced at the digits from time to time, just to maintain her course. She had left her speeder hidden behind that boulder, and now, she toiled through the inhospitable Sith planet; alone in the dark.
She pocketed the navicomputer, but here and there, she twirled the little disc in her fingers; perhaps not to feel so abandoned. She looked up at the starry night sky. When she stayed with Kylo, the stars were shining like living organisms. Now, she found them hollow. Everything seemed dull and lifeless. The terrain of Korriban was but a barren wasteland; but when he carried her to the shuttle, it felt like oasis.
She didn't play a chastising monologue in her head. She knew what they were doing and she bore no regrets. What she felt was anger. Not with herself, but the circumstances of their relationship. Life played a joke on her, yet again. Orphaned, starved and lonely child on Jakku didn't know love. Now, when she could love, the only man she gave it to happened to be her mortal enemy. Even that word – love, was an abstract concept in her mind, before she felt it towards him. She wouldn't tell him, of course.
The confession made it real; the confession closed the door. There would be no turning back. Besides, Rey suspected he didn't feel so strongly. He felt something, because his body didn't lie. She might have been inexperienced, but even she recognized the passion born from deeper feelings, not lust. She wanted to be loved and desired. Would she believe it, though? She believed when traders told her she was a good scavenger, because there was profit in that flattery. She believed when she felt something in her hands; a loaf of bread, a piece of cloth. Feelings were just empty words.
Real life taught Rey more than any training with Luke Skywalker. She learnt to trust herself first. When Sullust raiders stormed the cantina in search for her, it was her staff which got her from that pickle. She had negotiated her contract when Plutt meant to cheat her out of her portions. Help never came; and Rey needed it many times.
Words didn't tie people together – contracts did. Those she couldn't break. There was a guarantee of return for her part of the deal. How could she now put her trust into three words, no matter who confessed them?
"You can't go against what is right." She repeated in silence. "You can care for him and if it destroys you, so be it. But only you – that price is fine, that price you can pay. The relationship can't endanger your mission, the Resistance, or innocent people."
That was the line Rey drove on her five hour long hike towards the checkpoint. That was the line she swore she'd never cross; no matter how many tears it would cost.
"Damn it," she cursed when her legs refused to carry her. Stumbling was so easy. She got up, dusted off her tunic and went on.
The shine of the stars paled; her body ached and she felt a gaping hole inside her chest. She felt the kind of tiredness that no sleep could replenish; the thirst which no drink could quench. All physical sensation disappeared. She didn't feel chilly breeze of desert night or the way her knees buckled in the sand. She paid no attention where she went, only from where she came. She walked absentmindedly, startled by the aura of the rising sun on the horizon.
When she finally got to the checkpoints, she threaded carefully. It was a metallic booth with several windows and scanners, operated by a single imperial probe. Once the droid scanned the disc, it beeped and lifted the ramp. Rey shuffled her feet past it. She should have felt relieved she passed unharmed. She would have preferred anything, but the nothingness that crept into her thoughts.
When she finally got to the arranged extraction point, she collapsed, sliding down the metal walls of the garrison.
"I feel like I've crossed half the planet," she whispered to her wrist.
No answer.
"Hello? Finn, Poe, it's me – Rey. Do you copy?"
Apparently, they didn't.
"Nevermind," she got up. She had saved herself before, and she would have to do it again. The only difference was that this time, she wasn't sure she wanted to be saved. From what, exactly? Ren didn't terrify her and the First Order changed from the force to be reckoned with to the political dwarf.
Suddenly, she heard voices.
Rey's instincts kicked in. Her body crouched behind a metal container before her mind ordered her to. She ducked down. Four armed stormtroopers passed her hiding spot.
When their chatter subsided, she crawled few feet to another container. To add fan to the flames, her wrist beeped and buzzed at the most inopportune moment.
"Rey? We g- your me-ge, Rey – can you he—us? We - tioned in the - " static swallowed chunk of the message.
One of the guards raised his fist in the air. "Halt," he stopped. "I think I heard something back there."
"This is the third time you think you heard something. We have orders to search for that woman and I'd rather get it over with. We still have half the garrison to scout. Stop wasting our time." Another stormtroopers said.
"Wait here." The first voice grunted. Hux must have issued a search warrant on her head – understandable, after the way she left him.
Rey closed her eyes in panic.
She grabbed her wrist to shut the voices, but the transmission played on the loop. She started frantically digging a hole in the sand. The trooper was walking towards her container, looking for the source of the sound which should not have been heard at night. Rey shoved her hand to the sand up her elbow and lied down. She put her other hand across her mouth to suppress the breathing. Use the mind trick, use the mind trick; a voice kept telling her. While she could fool one stormtrooper into opening the restraints, she wasn't sure how to subdue four.
A pair of boots cast long shadows on the container wall. Dust swirled around the ankles that paced back and forth. Rey felt like reliving a night terror from which she couldn't wake up. Suddenly, the stormtooper leaned over the container and peeked behind its back and the wall – the precise place where she was hiding.
He peered down, right into her eyes. He saw her, looking right at her – she knew he did.
Rey raised the hand from her mouth to the air timidly. Unsure of the outcome, she waved it in front of his helmet. "All clear. It was a stray cat. You can move on."
To her surprise, he pulled back. "All clear. It must have been stray tooka cat, or some other vermin. There's nothing here."
Rey couldn't process what had just happened. She dug herself out of the sand hole and brushed her tunic. "Finn? Where on earth are you? Can you hear me now?" She asked. Instead of response, she heard familiar beeping behind her.
"BeeBee!" The droid rolled its head around. It projected small hologram of Poe Dameron, telling Rey to walk about three miles west. She followed BeeBee and together, they arrived to their old ship.
"We sent BeeBee Eight for you when we figured the transmission didn't go over." Finn said coldly. "When you didn't come back, we had to hide behind Korriban's satellite. We couldn't stay here overnight because the Order would have most likely picked our frequency; even at the pole. So let me ask you – where were you? How come you passed those damn checkpoints, unharmed?"
Rey shrugged.
She didn't care for Finn's reproach. Her neck was stiff – she cared about that. Diode in her wrist itched – she cared about that. Anything else was a blank canvas. Here she stood, like a starved animal fresh out of hibernation, and he spoke of their fear and their worry.
"Rey," Finn put his arm on her shoulder."What happened? We were worried sick about you. We almost alarmed half the Resistance…"
"… but luckily, I had more faith in you than Finn." Poe walked closer and sized Rey up. The usual sparkle in his dark eyes was gone. When sure she was indeed unharmed, he sat down, letting out a weary sigh.
"It came close to us blowing the cover and calling a search party for you. It's a miracle we didn't get busted here. We heard Hux got attacked. Then, we saw the stormtroopers running around the garrison like chicken with their heads cut off, because they couldn't find their leader. First Order highest ranking official gets hurt and the closest thing to a Sith lord in their midst vanishes. So – tell me, which part were you responsible for?"
Rey was staring into empty space. Didn't they all play by the same rules? Why was she the only one smart enough to let her personal feelings out of their mission? If they only knew how much she didn't want to be here, with them; that she found greater comfort and understanding in the hands of their enemy. Why did she had to draw the line and they didn't? It hurt not to cry like a child. It took all her energy to curb the budding anger. She felt like a hot furnace at that moment, chastised by the men she had once saved.
"What did I ask you when I found you on Rakata?"
"What?" Poe blinked.
She still didn't meet his gaze. "What was the first think that I asked you once I found you hunched in that magnetic field cage?" Rey repeated stoically.
Poe shot a quizzical glance at Finn, who cleared his throat. "You asked how to open that thing."
"Exactly." Rey bounced off the wall and walked to the middle of the cabin. "I didn't act like I was doing you a favor. I didn't dress you down and scold you for getting captured. I blasted the lock open and kept fighting. To this day, I don't know how or why you got captured by the Order, but I bet you did something stupid. So I don't understand, why the first damn thing out of your mouth, is to make me feel like such a burden to your mission."
She didn't raise her voice. It was the tone which brought chills down their spines. Poe got to his feet and stood next to Finn. The whole cabin shrank under weight of something strange.
"You," she stepped closer to them," have picked a bad time for your tirade, when an hour away, there is a whole slave colony waiting for our help. Our help! We all have to make sacrifices. We all have to do things we hate!"
The dashboard panel started beeping. Several screens burst into flames. Sparks flew and cracked the glass surface. She was approaching them like a caged animal that was finally let free. She had no control over her rage. She didn't mean to damage anything, but when her shaking hand dropped towards her lightsaber, it took all her strength not to draw it.
Kill him – even if he can't die; kill him again and again. They can die… they deserve to die.
That voice – it was the voice spurning her wicked thought into action.
"Rey – calm down, Rey." Poe had no idea what do to not aggravate her further. He reluctantly removed his blaster; visibly enough to let her know he had no intention to use it on her. "I think something happened to you. I think it's not us who you're angry with. We're your friends," he put his hands in the air in the gesture of surrender. "We were just so worried."
Finn followed his lead. "If you want to tell us…"
"No." She cut him off. There would be no point – they didn't understand. The heat crept from her cheek down her neck, to her chest.
You are the Emperor's legacy; the daughter of the dark side. There are others in the First Order – those who would rally to your side. You could rule the Galaxy without bloodshed, if you were the only Force user in it.
She heard Hux loud and clear, in that small insignificant cabin, standing next to two insignificant rebels. The little ball droid beeped in the corner, several screens still produced foul smoke; and Finn and Poe still lingered on her lightsabre handle.
And to all, her wrist itched and burnt like wildfire. So, this was how giving into the dark side of the Force felt. Something cataclysmic and all consuming got hold of Rey. Another computer screen exploded. She held back because she still knew it was the right thing to do, not because she wanted to. On the contrary – she desired to be rid of them; of Skywalker, of the First Order… She would take them all out…she could do it…and then, she would rule.
"Enough!" Rey screamed. "Stop it!" She yelled at that insidious voice in her head.
She clawed the tracker with her bare hands. In one swift scoop, she scratched it from her flesh; letting blood trail down her wrist. Both Finn and Poe jumped at her. Finn quickly took the lightsabre while Poe's hand enveloped her wrist.
"What did you do?' he asked panicked.
The spell broke.
Rey woke up from that night terror she lived since she left Ren's shuttle. As quickly as it came, the anger waned. The flame within her changed to cooling waves, washing up all the pain, misery and doubt.
"I got rid of the voice," Rey whispered. She didn't register bandages Poe wrapped around her hand. Finn led her carefully to one spare cabin in their ship. He lay her down onto bed and tucked her in. He planted a loving kiss on her forehead which she didn't feel, because she fell asleep in a heartbeat.
"I took this; just to be sure," he threw her lightsabre on the table in the main cabin. Poe was crouching over the navicomputer with a screwdriver in his hand.
"It's done. We're done. We can't jump to hyperdrive, the circuit on the main board is damaged."
"She didn't mean to…" Finn started.
"I know." Poe tossed the tool on the floor, kicking it for good measure. "That was terrifying. Whatever happened to her, we're not gonna be able to help her. She needs someone like her, someone with the Force."
Finn slumped in the chair. "I think it's this planet. All the Sith presence – maybe it's affecting her somehow. You're right, we should get out of here, the sooner the better."
"Best we can do is stay hidden on the pole here, on Korriban, and orbit the planet at night, when they double their patrols. We can start planning the operation to help these slaves. Without hyperdrive, any attempt to escape is pointless. We're gonna have to contact the Resistance and wait for an answer."
"Not again," Finn lowered his worn out head into his palms. The years spent in the First Order seemed like a breezy vacation compared to this. "At least we scouted and confirmed they have slaves."
"And we still didn't get busted," Poe gave Finn's shoulder a light punch. "I think we're doing pretty good. You don't get to blow up a Starkiller base every other day. Most of the times, you screw up the mission, or the mission screws you."
"Yeah?" Finn asked in voice laced with sarcasm.
"Yeah. Welcome to the Resistance, my friend." Poe laid his legs on the table, and in a few minutes, their thunderous snoring filed the whole cabin.
A/N "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbiden." Jedi knew what they were talking about. How easy it is to long for something forbidden...Thank you for reading and reviews 3