Chapter Twenty one:
"You should sleep," she said. "You said yourself you hadn't gotten much sleep lately."
"Sara…."
"It's fine. One of my many poor choices of diversions."
She turned her back on him as she pulled on her gown. She slid back into the covers.
"It's cold," she whispered.
He lay there unsure of what just happened. He had an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He spooned his body up next to hers and kissed her tenderly on the cheek. Her eyes were closed and he closed his as well. She was glad because a tear managed to slip down her cheek and she rolled over on her stomach brushing it away in one fluid motion. He spent the next several hours pursuing her in bed. She was restless. He slept anyway, reaching out from time to time in search of her body and finding it. His arm would pull her back but she would soon edge away.
The next time he reached for her, he found nothing but cold sheets. He reached and reached until he felt the end of the bed causing him to sit up and look about. She was nowhere to be found. He dressed quickly and stepped out onto the deck. She was sitting on the beach with cell phone in hand. He wondered if she was talking to Brass. Brass had been hurt when she stopped calling again and he had mentioned it last night. He had been perplexed as Grissom was about her change in behavior. He stepped back and decided he would make breakfast giving her time to finish the call.
Sara sat there on the cold wet sand. Her cheeks were wet from the salt water spray from the ocean and the tears that had not stopped since she woke.
"He doesn't want a baby," she had choked out.
"Did you tell him?" asked William.
"I told him I had decided on a diversion…a baby."
"Sara, you should have told him up front. You made it sound like you want to have a baby…you're already pregnant…going on four months to be exact."
"I didn't want him to feel like he was stuck with this…he's not."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means just what I said."
"Sara, we've been friends not just counselor and patient….don't hide behind words."
"I'm not."
"What did you mean…he's not stuck with this?"
"It's my fault I got pregnant…this is my problem…not his."
"He's your husband!"
"He doesn't have to accept this responsibility. It's mine."
"What are you going to do?"
"I uhm…"
"Sara…you're past the stage of abortion."
"I would never do that! I could never…God William I never thought I would feel this way about anything but…"
"But what?"
"I love Grissom…I love him more than life itself but…"
He could hear her choking back the sobs.
"But what Sara?"
"I love this baby more…I want this baby…I'll do anything to protect it. It's part of us…the best part of us and I can't put anything or anyone before its needs….not even Gil."
"Sara?"
He could hear her sobbing forcibly now.
"Sara!"
"Yes"
"You're going to make a great mother. If you need me, you call any time day or night. Take care of yourself. Get your ass off the cold sand and get inside."
"William, what do I do?" she said slowly calming down.
"Tell him. He deserves to know."
She started to hang up when he yelled.
"Sara?"
"Yes."
"Don't push him away."
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and sat there staring at the ocean. It was freezing and she was past being cold. Her teeth began to chatter and she stood now not knowing when she had managed to get so wet. It would help cover the signs of her short lived break down. She stepped inside to the aroma of pancakes.
"Good morning. I thought I would start breakfast," he said glancing up to take full notice of her.
She was wet and shivering. Her hand clutched the phone.
"You look frozen," he said suddenly.
"Do I have time for a quick shower?" she asked.
"Five minutes," he announced trying to examine her more closely.
She did not appear to be upset but yet she seemed off. He shoved the thought aside for a moment letting his mind drift back to their conversation. He had hurt her. He was sure of it and yet she seemed fine now.
Bullshit…
Who was she talking with?
Maybe it was Brass…
He picked up the phone and pressed the button calling his number immediately.
"Why are you calling me?" he asked.
"Jim, have you spoken with Sara?"
"No…wait, you're supposed to be with her...is something wrong…"
"No…I was just wondering if she called you this morning."
"No, you woke me" he said. "Gil, is everything okay?"
"Uhm yes…I'll see you soon."
He hung up and listened.
The water shut off and he prepared the table. She came out in a pair of sweats.
"Feel better?" he asked.
"Yes…much better," she said.
"I got kind of concerned when I woke and your side of the bed was cold."
"I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep anymore…it's what I get for taking a nap before you got here," she said taking a bite.
"I saw you on the beach talking on the phone."
She glanced at him.
"I needed to make a call. I didn't want to wake you."
"Anyone I know? Jim?"
"Jim? Yeah…it was Jim."
His fork stopped in midair.
It was a lie.
It was a bold face lie.
He watched her intently.
"I was hoping we could continue our discussion this morning…in bed," he said.
"I didn't want to wake you. You were tired," she said.
"I'm not now," he said.
She finished off the pancake and picked up the toast.
"This is good," she said.
"I'm glad you like my cooking. Sara…"
"Let's not…not right now," she said getting up and putting her plate away.
"How long can you stay?" she asked.
The uneasiness in his stomach returned.
"I was hoping I was coming to bring you home."
Me too…
I wanted to come home…
I wanted to be with you…
"Sara, your lease will be expiring in a couple of weeks," he said.
She knew that.
She was counting down the days because she had planned to be packing up her few belongings and then she would be heading home. It was the only home she had ever known.
"I know," she said softly.
"What is it that you're not telling me," he said.
"I uhm…I…"
"You're not coming home are you?" he asked.
She felt her head shaking and for the life of her she had no idea why. There were no more ghosts to settle. There was nothing left here to do except the small matter of the parole board hearing. She intended to speak on behalf of her deceased father. Other than that, she was done. She needed to go home but here she stood telling the only man she had ever loved that she would not be returning.
"Why?"
She struggled for an answer. She had no clue. If she gave him a reason it would only be a lie. She had just told him one lie and she did not plan to tell another.
"Why? I deserve to know," he said sounding irritated.
"I'm not done with counseling," she blurted out.
"You could continue it there," he offered.
"I trust William," she said with arms folded.
He nodded slowly.
He would have to accept it.
She seemed to be getting better.
He prayed it was real progress.
She had never asked for anything.
She had waited for him for years.
The least he could do was give her this time to heal herself.
"What do you plan to do about the lease?" he asked.
"I'll work something out," she said.
"I could extend the lease for you while I'm here…"
"No…I'll do it," she said.
"Sara, you know if you need anything, you just have to ask," he said.
She nodded. "I don't need anything."
"I hope you need me," he said quietly.
She felt her resolve slipping.
"What do you want to do while you're here?" she asked turning away to pick up the journal.
"You said I could read the journal," he said.
She stiffened.
She had.
She no longer wanted him to read it.
He did not know about the baby.
He did not want the baby.
She hid it behind her back.
"It's not finished," she said. "You can read it when it's finished."
He nodded as the confusion set in.
You wanted me to read it…
You insisted that I know its contents and now you won't share…
You lied about the phone call…
You're not coming home…
You said you were done with counseling and now you say you can't come home because of it…
You're in trouble…
"Let's talk," he said.
She came to him now placing her hands on each side of his face and kissed him. It reminded him of that kiss in the lab just before she left Vegas.
"Sara…"
She was kissing him again. This time it was more forceful and as her tongue darted in to meet his, he grabbed her. There was a hunger and need growing between them. They managed to make it to the bedroom and soon they were in each other's arms and he was already plunging deeply before he wanted. She had insisted foregoing any foreplay and he had obliged. He had wanted to talk. His mind needed to talk with her but as he rolled over she was already drifting off to sleep.
He couldn't bring himself to wake her but pulled her close and did the same. He woke several hours later but she still slept. He slipped out of bed and stood there staring at the journal on the table.
It was there.
He could pick it up and read it contents before she woke.
His fingers touched the cover and then moved to the edges.
One flip and it would be open.
He couldn't do it.
He couldn't bring himself to snoop into something so private.
It would be a violation and he knew he would lose her trust by doing so.
He could not risk it.
He worried about the lease.
He did not like the idea that she might move again.
She wouldn't disappear again…
She wouldn't do that…
We're married…
She said she was staying because of the counseling…
Maybe I should talk with her counselor…
His name is William…yes that's it…
Would she let me?
She stirred and he joined her in bed again. She smiled when she rolled over and saw him sitting there already dressed.
"Sorry. I always sleep better when I'm near you," she said.
"Me too."
He took her hand and kissed it.
"Sara, maybe it would help if I talked with your counselor…let him get to know me…maybe we could go together," he said.
She stared at him as she began to shake her head.
"Why not? It might be good for both of us especially since we've been through so much," he said.
"You don't need a shrink," she said grabbing for her robe.
"Sara…"
"No!"
She was up in a flash. She pulled the robe around her tightly.
"I didn't mean to upset you," he said.
She looked down at the floor and sighed.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," she said.
"Forgiven," he said pulling her back to the bed but she gently pulled away.
"There's a nice place down the road," she said. "We could go there for lunch or dinner."
"Hungry?" he asked.
Hungry…
I'm hungry all the time now…
No longer have to worry about missed meals…
"I could eat," she said.
"You look good…the weight is back on…I mean that in a good way," he teased.
"I'll take it as such," she said with a grin.
"Let's have lunch here….in bed," he said with a slight grin.
"Does it include food?" she asked.
"I think that can be arranged," he said pulling her in for a kiss.
She swiped the bread crumbs out of bed and frowned after their bout of lovemaking. Sandwiches were eaten quickly as their desires began to stir again. The afternoon was followed by a nice dinner in town at this small spot Sara had discovered. There was a moment of awkwardness when they ran into William. He had hugged Sara whispering something in private as Grissom watched the exchange. It was her expression that caught his attention. She had feelings for this man. There was more than just a counselor-patient relationship.
"It's good to finally meet you Mr. Grissom," he said extending his hand.
Grissom took it.
"How long do you plan to stay?" he asked.
He thought it was an odd question for a counselor.
"Awhile," he said.
"Good. Sara needs the company," he said.
"I offered a counseling session with you," said Grissom.
William's eyes lit up. "That would be…" He glanced at Sara. "I take it Sara did not approve."
"He doesn't need your help," she said.
"Counseling never hurt anyone," William countered.
Grissom was beginning to like the man.
Sara frowned, "I won't subject him to…"
"To me? You know she can be crabby at times. I'm not your average counselor," he said looking at Sara.
"No, you're just as screwed up as the rest of us," she said.
"See…she can be abusive. I ignore her…She often says 'bullshit'. I understand she got that from her friend, Jim Brass," said William.
"He has been known to say that several times a day," said Grissom.
"Well, if she doesn't want a joint counseling session, perhaps a one on one," he said. "on the house."
"So she must have told you a lot about me," said Grissom.
"Actually no but I am curious. You managed to get a ring on her finger after nine years. I'd like to know a little more about that," said William.
Grissom glanced at Sara.
"A counseling session might do me some good," said Grissom.
"We would keep these completely separate and confidential," William added as he saw Sara bristle.
"What about tomorrow around five?" asked William.
"Tomorrow would be good," said Grissom.
Right now would be good…
I need to know if she's okay…
He could tell me that…
He could let me know if I needed to worry…
I am worried…
I'm worried sick…
She seemed quiet on the ride back. She placed the kettle on to make tea as soon as she walked through the door.
"You seem quiet," he said.
"I don't understand," she said.
"Understand what?" he asked as he stood across the counter from her.
"Why you feel the need to talk with William?" she asked.
"I thought it would help…me," he said.
"You?"
"Sara, everyone has problems. You know better than I do, I have issues. I've buried them like you."
"You're not saying that just because …you never hinted you wanted or needed to talk with anyone," she said.
"I've never trusted anyone but you…you trust William…I trust your judgment."
She accepted his reasoning.
They were sitting now with tea in hand before the fireplace.
"Still mad?" he asked.
"I'm not mad," she said quietly.
"You seem upset," he said.
"I'm not upset," she said.
"Sara…we've been together too long for us not to know one another's quirks…you seem different."
Her finger circled the top of the cup as if she were contemplating her words, "Do you need to talk with a counselor because of me? Did I do…"
"No! I did this. I want this to work between us. I don't want us to keep anything from each other. A marriage won't work if we hide…"
She felt the bile rising and she jumped up causing him to spill his tea. She did not have time to apologize as she rushed to the bathroom shutting the door just before she lost the contents of her dinner. She sat down and breathed in deeply. She had not had a bout of nausea in weeks. She thought it was over and yet she found herself hanging over the toilet once more losing what was left in her stomach.
He tapped at the door. She wanted to respond but felt another wave hit her. There was nothing left to lose. She clutched her abdomen at the dry heaves. They were painful. She rinsed her mouth and felt another wave. It was not as intense and she managed to control it. She quickly rummaged through the medicine cabinet and grabbed the nausea pills taking one with a glass of water.
"Sara?"
"I'll be out in a minute," she called.
She rinsed her face and then stood letting her hands linger over her abdomen in a protective gesture.
She opened the door to find him standing there with arms folded.
"Have something to tell me?" he asked.
Note from author:
Oh yeah...what do you think Sara is going to say? Leave a review.
Take care,
Penny