Chapter 20

xxx

Lisbon pulled into her parking spot, pleased that the day was finally over. It was all she could do not to drag her feet as she walked around to the back door of her condo, tossing an empty coffee cup in the trash back there along the way. She'd needed the extra caffeine boost to get through the last meeting of the day. But now it was done. Her horrible afternoon.

Most of which had been her own fault, her own foolishness. (She'd always known that she'd lose him eventually.)

She'd been unbelievably relieved when she'd gotten out of her last meeting of the day and realized that Jane wasn't waiting for her. She couldn't quite face talking to him yet, but she'd have to eventually.

Tomorrow. She could do it tomorrow. It'd all been a bit of a surprise this afternoon, but it would be fine tomorrow.

Lisbon knew she was acting irrationally, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. This was good after all. Jane meeting people was good. He needed to expand his social circle. She'd been telling him that for years now.

The bubbly Melinda could be exactly what he needed. Lisbon was happy for him. He deserved a shot at a good relationship. She would tell him so. And she would apologize for her curtness, blame the bureaucracy. That was always a good excuse.

After all, this was exactly what she'd always wanted for him.

She'd be happy for him tomorrow.

Mind made up, Lisbon made her way to her back porch, only to find Jane already sitting on it.

Her heart sank. She wasn't ready to deal with him yet, to apologize, but like so many things in her life, what she wanted was irrelevant. She was trying to summon up an appropriately friendly greeting when he spoke first.

"You're insane," he told her.

"What?" Lisbon asked in shock.

Jane stood, dusting off his pants. "You heard me. You are completely, absolutely, one hundred percent insane."

Lisbon stalked up to the porch. He had some nerve! "I am not!" she growled. It'd been a long day and she'd wanted to rest, but if Jane was going to be like this, when she'd been determined to be so understanding too…

"Certifiably crazy," Jane murmured, watching her approach. "Utter lunatic."

"Did you come here for some reason other than to call me undeserved names?" Lisbon demanded. "Because if so, I can tell you right now…"

But Jane cut her off. "They are deserved," he insisted. He'd found himself getting more and more annoyed with her as the afternoon progressed and she hid out in her meetings. Okay, maybe that was a bit unfair. Her schedule had probably been jammed before their not-quite-argument. But Jane had no doubt that Lisbon would have avoided him just as effectively if her schedule had been clear, a fact which he was using to justify his annoyance with her. Besides, she had no reason to act the way she was. He'd been perfectly clear in his intentions. Her reaction was just nonsensical.

"Whatever," Lisbon muttered, hoping that maybe if she just gave up the argument he'd accept it and move on. "Fine. I'm sorry. I'm just tired today. I'm sorry I snapped at you."

Jane let her walk by him onto the porch. "I think I've made it very clear how I feel about you," he said quietly.

Lisbon swallowed nervously. "Yes, you have," she admitted. He had. And now the mess they were in was all her own doing.

"You're the one who's uncertain," Jane continued, watching her face closely, not liking the resignation tinged with a healthy dollop of sadness that he saw there. Maybe even a hint of betrayal, though she was trying desperately to hide it. He really didn't like the implications of any of it. "And that's fine. I don't mind giving you space."

"I know," Lisbon replied, becoming resigned to having this discussion now.

Jane shook his head. "No, I don't think you do. Because your current attitude makes absolutely no sense."

Lisbon sighed and squared her shoulders, and moved to open her back door. "I told you. I'm fine. I'm not upset. I think it's great that you... that you want to make friends with another woman." The fact that she and Jane were where they were now had been her choice. She'd been the one constantly dragging her feet.

"No, that's not what I meant at all," Jane told her, panic clawing up in his gut as he realized that she was serious. She believed that. Lisbon wasn't just panicking irrationally. A part of her genuinely believed that he actually would pursue another woman. Whether he was enough of a jerk to do that to her given their situation was almost a moot point. "The thing is, at lunch today, I think you somehow got the wrong impression."

Lisbon shook her head and sent him a poor imitation of a bright smile, before turning to her purse. "I think it's great that you're pursuing a relationship with Melinda."

Jane had a sudden urge to shake her. "I am pursuing a relationship with Melinda, I guess," he admitted. He had been toying with the idea of making another friend lately, someone outside of the team, like Lisbon had with Jo. And he'd enjoyed Melinda's company. But pursuing a relationship wasn't exactly how he would have phrased it. Lisbon seemed determined to twist everything around.

"Good," she said with a nod, refusing to look at him. "That's good. I'm happy for you. You deserve it."

"What on earth are you talking about, Teresa?" Jane wondered, starting to feel a little out of his depth.

"Look Jane," Lisbon said, searching for her keys, nearly crying in relief when she found them. "I told you, it's great. I've had a long day. Can we please talk about this tomorrow?" she whispered, finally looking at him again, and this time not doing a particularly good job of masking her feelings.

The expression in her eyes nearly knocked him over. The overwhelming pain and hurt bursting out of her because she just couldn't control it any more certainly killed any residual annoyance he might have felt towards her. Somehow, inexplicably, she had misunderstood. She'd really misunderstood. And he needed to fix it now, really fix it, before any hope of something between them disappeared.

Jane took a step towards her, placing a hand on the door to prevent her from opening it and effectively boxing her into the corner of the porch. "No, we can't talk about it tomorrow," he said firmly. "It's too important. And somehow…" He reached his right hand up to cup her face, making sure that she was looking at him. He needed her to look at him right now, and he needed to see her eyes, see the pain go away. "Oh, Teresa, darling…"

Lisbon abruptly stopped playing with her keys. Darling? Since when was she darling? Somewhere, buried deep, a brief spark of something stirred to life.

Jane sighed, recognizing shock when he saw it in her eyes. Why couldn't he just tell her? He needed to tell her what she was to him, what she'd become. It was obvious that she didn't know. He'd phrased it as a kind of a game, but it'd never really been one. Not to him at least. He groaned softly. "What did you think I meant when I told you I wanted to move in with you?"

"How should I know?" she asked desperately. "How should I know what you're thinking? You're the one who's insane. You always have these crazy ideas, and it's half-impossible to predict what you mean by them, or what you're going to do next. No one asks someone to move in with them just out of the blue… I don't…I…"

"I'm sorry," Jane whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. "I'm so sorry, Teresa. I didn't explain…"

Lisbon shook her head violently. This wasn't what she'd wanted. She hadn't wanted to make him feel guilty, or upset. This wasn't his problem. "No, no, it's my fault. I'm no good at this. You deserve someone who's going to be good at this, someone better than me…"

"Shut up," Jane ordered.

Her eyes widened in shock as she glanced up to see the anger in his.

"Shut up," he repeated, though she hadn't spoken. "I probably don't deserve you at all, as it happens. And if you don't want to do this, or if it's too much, or too fast, we can talk about that. But don't tell me I'll find someone better for me than you, because that's my choice. And I choose you."

Lisbon stifled a gasp. "Jane," she whispered, too overwhelmed to say anything else.

"Teresa," he murmured, smiling slightly and brushing away a tear threatening to overflow from the corner of her eye.

"I..." she tried to say, dropping her head on his shoulder.

Jane slid his arm further around her. "I wanted to have lunch with Melinda," he admitted candidly. "You're right about one thing, the two of us do have a lot in common. And I enjoyed our lunch. It's been the first time in a while that I've met someone that I wanted to spend a bit of time with. I watched you with Jo, saw how much you enjoyed it. And anyway, you're always encouraging me to make friends. I thought… I like her. But I wasn't looking for anything more than that. I wouldn't do that."

"Well, how was I supposed to…" Lisbon grumbled. " Anyway, it's not like we've ever talked about this, what you meant, what this is."

"Which is why we need to do it now," Jane told her. "When I said that your attitude makes no sense, I didn't mean that you had no right to be jealous if I was showing signs of wanting another woman. I meant that your jealousy makes absolutely no sense because I want you."

Lisbon froze. "I'm not jealous," she said after a second, exhaling in relief.

"Sure you're not," Jane agreed, stepping closer, and trying to get a better look at her eyes. "Anyway, I guess my brain was so wrapped up in you that I didn't even see how you might misunderstand what was going on. It's always been so clear to me." It'd been clear to him since Portland. She made him happy, filled a gap he hadn't realized had existed. She just fit.

"Oh," Lisbon murmured, ducking her head under his chin and resting it on his shoulder. "Well, you were still going out to lunch with a single, beautiful woman, who obviously liked you very much."

"Just like you did with Jo in Oregon," Jane reminded her. "You made a friend. You're always telling me that I should try to make friends. I thought I'd give it a try." Melinda had realized he was only interested in friendship awfully quickly. Why couldn't Lisbon?

"My friendship with Jo was a little different," Lisbon muttered into his shoulder.

Jane was about to dismiss that concern, when a thought struck him. It was a little different. What if Jo had been male? What if she'd been a single, heterosexual male who'd asked Lisbon out for drinks one evening? What if, instead of Detective Frasier, Lisbon's chosen companion in Portland had been Detective Samson, particularly if he hadn't been married? After all, married or no, Detective Samson had found Lisbon attractive.

Jane's arms tightened possessively around the woman in his arms. No. Just no. He wouldn't allow it. Any men trying to make time with her would find it a bit of a challenge. He would see to that, he thought to himself, pulling her closer.

"What is it?" Lisbon asked curiously, enjoying being in his arms, even if his hold was a little too tight.

Jane glanced down at her, deciding after a moment that, embarrassing as it might be, it was probably a good idea to explain, really drive the point home for her. "I realized I was lucky Jo was a woman," he admitted. "You're much more mature than I am, Lisbon, if a little too self-sacrificing in my opinion. Because I have to say, if Jo had been a man, I'd have probably inserted myself into all your little field trips. I imagine I'd have placed myself physically between the two of you."

"Oh," Lisbon gasped again, pleasure rushing through her as she buried her head against his vest.

"You don't need to feel threatened by anyone, Lisbon," he murmured into her ear.

Now it was her turn to tighten her grip.

"And you don't need to be upset," Jane added.

"I'm not upset," Lisbon insisted.

"Sure you're not," Jane repeated.

Well, she wasn't, not anymore at least, she admitted to herself before meeting his eyes. "I'm glad you're making friends. I want you to make friends," she told him again.

Jane smiled. "I know you do."

She exhaled. "Good."

"And while I do want to be friends with Melinda, you don't have anything to worry about. She's not a threat to you," Jane assured her.

"I didn't think..." Lisbon attempted to argue.

"Hush. Lisbon," he murmured. "Just listen. I want to spend the majority of my time with you. Preferably some part of every day, something that would be made easier if we lived together by the way."

"You're not moving into my condo," she told him automatically with a smile. For some reason his constant insistence on moving in together was reassuring.

"I wanted to have lunch with Melinda because I do think she's interesting. I might even want to have another conversation with her at some point," Jane continued. "Maybe next week, probably the week after."

Lisbon was beginning to feel overwhelmingly foolish. "Jane..."

He forced her to acknowledge him, staring right into her eyes. "On the other hand, I want to make you coffee in the mornings, and go for walks with you in the evenings, and watch baseball with you, and split the chores."

Lisbon's breath caught in her throat. "That's..."

"Don't you dare say insane," he whispered, taking a moment to nuzzle her neck. There was a spot on it that he particularly enjoyed.

"Jane..." she murmured, when he pulled away, not sure whether she was admonishing him or encouraging him.

"It's not insane," he murmured against her throat. "It's one of the least insane things I've wanted in the last decade."

Lisbon tilted her head to give him better access. "What?"

"Lisbon, you may remember, I chased a serial killer for over a decade," Jane said almost conversationally.

Her eyes popped open. "What?"

Jane chuckled. "Yes, I thought you'd remember that."

"What does that have to do with anything?" she demanded, pulling away.

"Would you agree that during that time I was rather single-minded in my goal?" he asked enjoying the combination of her flushed cheeks and shocked eyes.

She rolled her eyes, "Single-minded is an understatement."

He nodded. "And would you also agree that I was methodical and patient when it came to getting what I wanted."

"Yes," Lisbon agreed. He'd been positively calculating. It'd been frightening sometimes.

He smiled slowly. "Guess what I want now? Or rather who?"

"God," she whispered, suddenly feeling like she couldn't breathe. Now he was frightening for a whole other reason.

"Not quite," he murmured. "Hadn't really planned on finding religion at this point in time."

And just like that, she felt like herself again. Lisbon glared at him, "Did you honestly just compare me to a serial killer? Because that's not a particularly comforting..."

"Of course I didn't compare you to a serial killer," Jane assured her. "I just used that as an example of how dedicated I can be to a cause."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, well in that case..."

Jane ignored her skepticism. "Do you have any idea how many people have lamented to me over the years that I've chosen to waste my considerable talents on a goal as poisonous as killing Red John? Well, now that he's dead, I think you'd agree that I'm using my talents for something better. I'm still helping to solve murders, and now I'm trying to woo you. I think that's a laudable goal. You make me happy. I'd like to think I have a similar effect on you. Maybe I didn't earlier today, and admittedly, I'm sure there will be lots of times when we'll drive each other crazy, but on average..."

Laughter bubbled up in her throat from somewhere. He was absurd; she'd give him that. And somehow she actually felt better. "Jane..."

He smiled at her. "Quite right, Lisbon. I'm digressing. My point is, I don't change my mind that easily. Having decided that I'd rather like to live with you, I've become rather committed to that goal, and you don't have to worry about me switching my affections to someone else anytime soon. I'm perfectly willing to give you as long as you need to adjust."

"You seriously think that's a normal thing to say to a person, don't you?"she wondered.

"Normalcy's overrated," he assured her. "And I suppose one could be concerned about my approach, if I was forcing myself on you in any way Teresa. But I'm not. I'm just trying to convince you that a change in our relationship would be a good thing. We talked about this last week."

"I... I know," she admitted. Although, it hadn't gone particularly well then. She'd been maybe coming around to the idea, until... well...

"And I thought you agreed, at least tacitly," Jane replied. "You did invite me over for dinner."

"I did." And then he'd invited another woman for lunch and it'd all fallen apart in her head.

"Do you want me to stop? Back down?" Jane asked her.

Oh god. She didn't. She really, really didn't. The breath clogged in her throat. "I..." She shook her head ever so slightly.

Jane smiled. "I want you, Teresa. Only you. And I'm not going anywhere."

She stared at him, realization and relief rushing through her in an instant. That. That was exactly what she'd wanted him to do, to say. What she'd needed him to say, maybe for weeks now.

Running a hand through his hair, not quite realizing what she was doing, she stretched up on her tiptoes and kissed him.

Jane's response was enthusiastic. Lisbon suddenly felt the porch railing digging into her back, but decided she didn't care. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. She needed him closer. She moaned in pleasure when she felt his hands on her waist. He'd slipped them under her blouse at some point.

Jane couldn't quite believe what was happening as he pushed Lisbon farther up against the railing. He'd started the evening annoyed with her, then afraid he'd made a stupid mistake, and now... Now he was having trouble thinking about anything beyond what her lips were doing. It was the first time she'd kissed him, well that she'd initiated a kiss at least. And she'd apparently decided to skip right over tentative and just take over his brain. This was becoming real now. Very real. Very quickly. He briefly considered hoisting her up on top of the railing, before changing his mind.

Jane let himself enjoy her kiss for a few minutes before pulling back slightly. Because i was too fast. Not because he didn't want… But part of him was still coming to terms with what moving in with her would actually mean. Besides, he didn't want their first time to be borne out of a misunderstanding (albeit one that was straightened out). And he wouldn't rush her either. Not when she'd been so off-balance earlier.

Lisbon stole another kiss before eventually pulling away herself, and settling into his arms. "I should probably call Melinda and apologize, or something," she murmured against his neck..

"What for? Did you egg her house while I was out?" Jane wondered, running a hand up and down her back.

"Don't be an idiot," Lisbon muttered. "No, I was just, I was awfully short with her this afternoon."

Jane chuckled. "I wouldn't worry about it. She thinks you're admirably focused on your job. Much more so than either of us scatterbrains."

"She's hardly a scatterbrain," Lisbon was forced to admit.

Jane couldn't resist a smile over the fact that Lisbon hadn't seemed to find it necessary to rise to his defence. "But Melinda doesn't have your dedication to the common good either. It's why she's in the private sector."

"She said that?" Lisbon wondered.

"Mmhm." Jane hummed, placing light kisses along her neck. "And I agreed. We spent a fair amount of time discussing you, actually."

She sighed. "You did?"

"Well, somehow I guess I kept bringing you up," Jane admitted. Something that had been particularly successful in stopping Melinda from dropping hints about future collaboration.

Lisbon was starting to feel foolish again. "Oh."

"Oh," Jane repeated. "So, are you feeling better?"

"Yes," she admitted, feeling even more foolish.

Jane started toying with her hair. "Good."

Lisbon lifted her eyes to his. "Jane?"

He watched her, taking the time to enjoy the emotion in her eyes. "Yes?"

Lisbon bit her lip, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

This time, when he smiled at her, instead of ignoring it, Lisbon let herself enjoy the spike in her heart rate.

"I'd love to, dear," he assured her.

Glancing up at him shyly, she slipped down the porch steps, comforted by the hand he kept at her waist.

When they reached the sidewalk, Jane settled in beside her as usual. They started off in silence, Lisbon's eyes flicking towards him every few seconds. He still wanted her. She hadn't screwed this up irrevocably. The idea made her smile.

Then it hit her.

She didn't want to screw this up irrevocably. She'd been terrified of losing Jane, still was, if she was honest. But she was enjoying this, enjoying him. Not the panic and the nerves and the fear, but the rest of it.

She wanted him. She'd never really let herself admit it fully, but it was true. She wanted to do this. It may have been crazy, but somehow, it also just worked.

She looked up at him, eyes full of wonder. After a second, she bit her lip, and reached for his hand.

She watched him smile out of the corner of her eye, as he tangled his fingers with hers, tugging her slightly closer, and trying to catch her eye.

Eventually she let him, looking up at him shyly, not caring that he could probably see the happiness bubbling out of her.

Her expression shocked him so much that Jane actually stopped walked to stare at her. A few seconds later he got a hold of himself, and pulling her hand up, kissed her knuckles.

Then, keeping hold of her hand, he started walking again, smiling to himself.

Lisbon was the first to break the silence. "You weren't supposed to want me," she murmured softly as they turned down a quiet street.

Jane shrugged, obviously unconcerned by the shift in worldview he'd caused. "Well, I do."

Lisbon took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. She thought she might believe that. "Okay."

Jane squeezed her hand with a smile.

xxx

TBC

A/N: Alrighty, so FYI, only one chapter left now.