Chp 19: What have I become?

It's been months since Stef left me standing and crying. She left me. I knew this was going to happen! I should have never even started a relationship with her. My heart is empty and numb but my head is full and hurts. I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her hair, eye's, lips, being in her arms. When I close my eye's, there are moments where i can smell her sweet perfume.

The only thing I've been doing is going to work, coming home, and getting drunk until I fall asleep. I haven't even done my car duty. I've been asking different teachers to do it. Brandon talks to me all the time and it kills me because he is always talking about Stef. I don't even know what I would say if I ever saw Stef again. It completely befuddles me that she wouldn't tell me she wasn't ready. I thought we were doing good. Guess thats what I get for thinking.

So I sit her, in my office, dreading the thought of picking my parents up. My mom wants to take me out but to be honest I haven't even told them and I don't want to. They are going to find out. I look like hell. I just don't care anymore. And i really don't want to go to dinner with my parents. I don't want to but I know I have to.

I gater my things and walk out. On my way to my car, my arm is grabbed, and I am spun around. When I see the person who done it, I say nothing. I look into her green eyes. I see her lips move but don't hear the words.

"Lena?" she shakes me.

"What?"

"Please talk to me"

"Go away! Just go! I mean it!"

"Just hea-"

"Hear what?! Say sorry, for what Stef!? You won't mean it! You have a bunch of nerve coming here! Now leave!"

She backs up and walks away. I get in my car and quickly leave. I need to get home now. Once I reach my door I burst in crying. I miss her so much but I have to be honest with myself. I can't make the same mistake twice. This time I have to be strong.

Once I am finished, I collect myself, and get ready to pick my parents up. I try my best to make my eye's look un-puffy. To a normal person I would look the same but to my mom, she would know quickly. And after the run in with Stef, I just don't have the energy to deal with mom. I leave and pick my parents up. I am spared because my dad sits up front. I know it won't last long though. And when we sit down at the restaurant, my mom can tell, and it starts.

"Hunny, what's wrong"

"Nothing mom"

"Don't you lie to me!"

"Can I please talk to you when we get back to my place. Please?" I look at my dad for help and I can tell he isn't thrilled.

"Dana, maybe this isn't appropriate dinner talk."

"Okay. But when we get back to your place you will tell us what happened. And I mean that Lena Elizabeth Adams."

"Okay mom."

Great. I'm save for now. But later I'm going to have to tell them. Just wonderful. We sit and eat. The food is actually quite wonderful. I haven't really been eating. I haven't starved myself but I just don't eat as much. We talk about how our jobs have been going. And of course they want me to go with them like always. I think it's more of my mom. We finish eating and we leave. The moment I have been avoiding is now staring at me in the face.

"So...Lena what happened?" My moms face is stern.

"Stef and I are, we-"

"She left you didn't she?" Her hands are on her hips now.

"Yes" I feel my face get hot and the next thing I know, my mom is holding me and telling me everything will be okay. I know eventually everything will be okay but right now it's not.

After my mom held me, I wiped my tears away and sit up. My dad had been making us some hot tea. I could tell by his facial expression that he was mad. We sat there in silence for awhile. My mom breaks it though.

"So..what do you want to do about the whole situation?"

"Nothing mom. I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." They finish drinking their tea, then leave, and I just go to sleep. This is what I do now. It's routine. Work, drink, sleep. Although the drinking is getting boring. Maybe I should switch it up.

When I wake up, for the first time in awhile, I don't have a hang over. Once my body knows this, my heart starts to feel. All my emotions hit me. The hate, pain, guilt. No! Stop it! If you don't then you will end up calling her and you don't need to. She's married with a son. Don't make that mistake again.

Once I sit up, I get up, and get in the shower. When I get out I look at myself in the mirror. I see my face but I know I'm not the person that I used to be. My hair is wet and in it's curls. I don't want to deal with it, so I just put it up and get dressed. As soon as I pick up my book, the phone rings, so I answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey sweetie. Mom wanted me to check on you." I smile slightly. I love my dad. He's the only person that I really want around me right now.

"I'm fine daddy. Thanks."

"How about we go get some lunch? My treat."

I sigh. I really don't want to be in public but I do want to see my dad. "Yeah okay. What time you want me to pick you up?"

"I'll pick you up at 11:30 am, so be ready"

"Okay"

I hang up and go put some pants and a nice shirt on. After that I read until my dad is knocking on the door. I grab my keys and purse and we leave. He takes me to my favorite cafe. It's a small one. We only go when we talk about serious things. That's why it's my favorite. Most people don't go there and the people that are in there aren't nosey. We get our seats, our drinks, and our food.

"So what happened? Why did she leave?"

"Because she wasn't ready to meet you and mama. Instead of telling me she just kept it inside."

"Has she tried to apologize?"

"Yesterday she tried to talk to me but I told her to leave me alone."

"Why?"

"Because I need to leave her alone. She isn't gay. Besides i'm too angry to talk to her at this moment. I don't have anything to say to her."

"I think she is. Maybe you should give her another chance. This isn't like you sweetie. You never held a grudge. You got mad and we would leave you alone but after awhile you would want to talk about it. You're angry because you love her."

"I'm just not ready. My heart hurts too bad right now daddy."

"I know sweetie. When it heals though you should talk to her." He wipes the tear that is slowly going down my cheek.

"I don't know"

"I understand sweetie. Why don't you go out tonight. Go to a bar or a club." I giggle at my dad. He never told me to go to a bar to drink away the pain. I wonder if he even knows how I have been drinking? Don't tell him either stupid ass because you know your mother will be all over you. Asking you 100 thousand different questions.

"Yeah I think that's a good idea. Thanks daddy"

"For what?"

"Checking on me."

"Hey your my only little girl. I got to look after you." I smile and he smiles back.

After we finish, he takes me back home, and walks me to my door. I kiss his cheek and we say our goodbyes. I go inside and bury myself in my book. The lunch with my dad helped and the book is helping. It allows me to stop thinking about it all. I get to go into a different world and be a different person. I finish the book and when I look at the time 8:30 pm.

I stand looking at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a sexy dress that fits perfectly to my body. I feel good. I'm going out. Maybe I will get lucky. I want to drink and forget about everything and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I leave and when I pull up to the club it's packed. I never really go to clubs. I prefer bars. I always heard that clubs are nothing but drugs and sex. All i'm going to do is drink and maybe meet somebody. Besides I'm young and sexy and Stef isn't gay. I'm going to drink and have fun.

The last thing I remember was dancing and drinking. I was having a blast. But for some reason I find myself in the car. Why am I in this damn car. Where am i going...? Oh! Stef's! I'm going to confront her! The lines in the road are all bunched up together and are going by fast. I look at my speed meter and it reads 100mph. Damn! Slow down! She will be there! Before I know what is going on I see blue light. I slowly pull over and sit straight. Play it cool Lena. Maybe if I flash the cop he will let me go NO! DON'T FLASH THE COP! I start to giggle at the thought of me flashing the officer. I hear the officer tap on the window so without looking I roll the window down and reach for my purse.

"License and registration" I know that voice...I look up quickly. I hand Stef my info. She doesn't say anything. She just shakes her head and walks back to the squad car. My drunken mind isn't working straight. She is soo hot...I wonder if I should pull her in the backseat and have my way with her. Yeah that will show her what she's missing out on. I can see her walking back and I shake my head to get the dirty thoughts out my mind.

"You know why I pulled you over tonight ma'am?"

"I don't know you tell me. Or wait you can't can you? Your too much of a chicken to say what's on your mind. You're a coward." I hear the attitude in my voice.

"Get out of your vehicle."

"Why?"

"Now!" I take my seat belt off and get out the car. "Blow into this."

"You're suppose to ask me to walk in a straight line first"

"Yeah well I can smell the alcohol on your breath, so blow." I do as I am told. Next thing I know i'm being placed in handcuffs.

"What? Wait what!?"

"You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say will and can be held against you in the court of law. You have a right to an attorney if you can't afford it we will appoint you one"

"Stef you can't take me to jail!"

She doesn't listen instead she put's me in the squad car. Her and her partner are talking I can't hear them. Oh my god! I can't go to jail! I will loose my job! Stef gets in and drives off. When I look behind us, her partner is my car following behind her.

"Please don't take me to jail. I can loose my job! Please Stef"

"You should have thought about that before you got in your car drunk!"

"It was a mistake! Ple-"

"Shut up! Just hush...damn!"

I look at her in the review mirror. She looks back at me then focuses on the road. Once we are at the stop light our eye's catch and lock. Please Stef don't take me to jail.

"I'm not."

"Huh?"

"I'm not taking you to jail. I'm taking you home."

"Than-"

"Don't talk."

We sit there in silence. After another 30 min we are pulling u to my apartment. Stef get's out and takes the cuffs off. Her partner get's out of my car and hand me the keys.

"Can we talk Stef?"

"No."

"Plea-"

"No. You said to leave you alone. Don't let this happen again. I mean it."

I say nothing. I just go inside and lock the door. I lean against my door and put my hand over my mouth. Stef just saved me from going to jail and getting fired. I miss her so much.