Chapter 21:

Time passed and I feel into a deep depression.

I turned from Erik and any comfort that he tried to offer.

I knew that he was hurting also.

I could see the pain in his eyes every time I looked at him.

And I couldn't reach out to him.

So I turned from him and forced him away from me.

So Erik spent more and more time wondering the tunnels or just being gone.

Laddie would try and cheer me up by doing little magic tricks that Erik had taught him.

Nadir would visit and seemed truly concerned for both of us.

He tried to explain to me that it was not unnatural for a woman my age to miscarry with her first child.

I would just thank him for his concern and wonder away.

On some of his visits I would hear him and Erik arguing loudly. But I never cared to listen or to know what it was about.

I had stopped bathing and I hardly ate. I would spend hours in bed or in the library reading the same words in the same books over and over again.

Erik and I hardly spoke to each other.

It wasn't out anger. It was just we didn't know what to say.

I had become a ghost.

Then one day I saw a calendar that Laddie had hung, and realized I had been here over a year.

I looked around my home and knew that this was where I belonged.

There was no life for me above.

I also knew that Erik was all that I would ever have.

I was the Phantom's bride, but I had become the phantom.

A shade that traveled from shadow to shadow, avoiding touching the light.

My hearing had become very sensitive to the different sounds here in my home.

I knew when Laddie was here. I knew when Erik came and went.

And one evening I decided it was time for me and Erik to talk.

It was my only hope for salvation.

I needed my husband and I knew that now.

It had taken me months to discover, but now I knew.

I also knew that if he turned from me I would die.

(A least my pain would end.)

I took a bath and put on the night gown and robe I had worn the day Erik had given me the library.

Then I waited for him to come home.

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. The nightgown did not cling to me like it did then. I had lost so much weight and my skin had become so pale it almost looked translucent. My eyes were sunk in and my cheeks were hollow.

The only thing about me that had retained any of my former beauty was my hair.

It hung in curls down to my waist and still retained part of its old luster.

I heard the panel slide open and then closed.

I took a deep breath and walked to my door.

Opening it I waited for Erik to come up the stairs.

As he ascended the steps to the landing I stepped from my room.

"Erik, may I speak with you?"

"Can it wait? I'm very dirty and would like to clean up."

"I guess." I said dejectedly. Then in a rush I continued "But after, will you please come to my room."

"If you wish, but I am very tired. Are you sure this can not want till another time?"

"No Erik, I need to speak with you tonight."

I knew if we did not speak tonight we never would.

"As you wish then" he replied.

I went back into my room to wait for him.

Time seemed to pass so slowly.

I paced the floor and tried to think of what I wanted to say.

I had wondered in the darkness for so long.

And Erik was my only change of escape.

Then his knock came and I rushed to the door.

Pulling it open I saw him standing there dressed in a pair of loose black pants that tied at the waist and his robe which he had left open.

My breath caught in my throat at his sleek masculine beauty.

Had he become more muscular?

I tore my eyes away from him and stepped back from the door to allow him entrance.

He walked across the room and settled him self in the chair.

"What it is you wish speak about?"

I opened and closed my mouth but no words came out.

I tried to sit on the couch, but I was too nervous.

I paced the floor. I tried to speak but the words kept getting caught in me throat.

He watched me.

I could tell he was getting aggravated by my lack of speech.

"I can see your upset, but maybe we should try this another time." He said as he started to stand.

I ran forward and pushed him back into the chair.

"Please don't leave me." I begged.

"Then say what you mean to say and stop wasting my time."

His voice was so harsh and I wanted to cower away from him.

But I found my voice and started to speak.

"Erik, I know you blame me for what happened to our…"

I could bring myself to say the word.

"No Lesta I don't blame you for our child's death. I blame myself. I should never have…"

"No Erik!" I cried. "It was my fault and we both know it. So I do not want to hear you blaming yourself."

He just sat a stared at me.

I went on saying "Even Nadir said that it isn't unnatural for someone like me to loss a child."

Erik growled at my mention of Nadir's name.

"Please Erik I feel so empty." I was being to cry.

"What is it you want me to do then?" He asked.

"Do you wish your freedom? Then I grant it. You may leave here anytime you wish."

My freedom… The words rang hollow in my ears.

What did freedom mean to me now?

What did the world hold for me?

I was his wife.

For better or worse I was his wife and that would not change.

I fell to knees in front of him and placed my hands on his thighs.

"No Erik please don't send me away, the world holds no place for me now."

He had stiffened at my touch, but I would not remove my hands.

I needed to touch him.

I wanted him to touch me.